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# Don't lose your head

# Don't lose your head
when you can't pay your taxes

# Don't lose your head
when they're grinding their axes

# Try to be calm when your head's on
the block

# You may be in for a nasty shock

# Don't lose your head,
get a hold of your wig

# Smile when the grave-digger starts
out to dig

# Don't lose your head,
you'll get by in the end

# Don't lose your head, my friend

# Don't lose your head
when they're screaming for blood

# Don't lose your head,
or your name will be mud

# You're asking for trouble
if you've no head

# Because, when you wake up,
you'll be dead

# Don't lose your head
when the world's at its worst

# Don't lose your head
when the bubble has burst

# Don't lose your head,
you'll get by in the end

# Don't lose your head, my friend

# THE MARSEILLAISE

# Don't lose your head, my friend #

NARRATOR: Paris, 1789.
The Great Revolution has begun.

The hands of the masses are smeared
with the blood of the poor bleeding
aristocracy.

The tumbrels run a regular half-hour
service

between the Bastille and the many
guillotines around the city.

The growing mounds of noble heads

are only matched by the growing
mounds of unused return tickets.

No-one is spared.
Madame La Guillotine claims them all.

Dukes and duchesses,
lords and ladies, men and women...

of both sexes.

A dozen times an hour,

the drums roll, the blade falls,

and the heads roll.

Yes, every five minutes, a freshly
sliced loaf.

And there, as always, grimly watching
the results of his evil machinations,

keeping a watchful eye out for
queue-jumpers, stands the most
dreaded man in all France,

Robespierre's Chief of Secret Police,
Citizen Camembert.

Eurgh!

And beside him, as always, keeping
count of the grim harvest,

his number-one assistant,
the toadying Citizen Bidet.

(LAUGHTER)

I said heads, not tails.
The wretched aristo's the wrong way
round.

(LAUGHTER)

That Malabonce doesn't know his
head... Never mind all that. He'll
have to aller.

Eh? He'll have to go.

(THUD)
(CHEERING)

And the next one, s'il vous plait.

(DRUM ROLL)

(CHEERING)

(WILD CHEERING)

What a carve-up.
Disgusting.

What, sir?
That last one had terrible scurf.

Sterilise the blade!

You can't be too careful.
Oh, I agree, Citizen.

Sir!
Sorry. Citizen, sir.

That's better. What's the tally for
today?

Er... 26 head of aristo.

Ooh, that's very good.

Carry on choppin'!

# RULE BRITANNIA

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, just across
the Channel far removed from
the awful scene of carnage,

the cosy little homes of England
ring with merry, carefree laughter,

and satisfied after-dinner belches,

as the aristocracy, oblivious
of the horrors facing their
counterparts in France,

continue with their normal
and fashionable country pursuits.

Hunting.

And, of course, shooting.

Not to mention the most pleasurable
of them all.

Fishing.

No-one indulged in these pleasures
more diligently and energetically

than two of society's most
distinguished and fashionable
layabouts -

the powdered, bewigged, beribboned
Sir Rodney Ffing,

with two Fs,

and his inseparable companion,
Lord Darcy Pue.

Good day, gentlemen.
(LISPS) Good day? I suppose so.

(SIGHS) It's all a monstrous bore.
What say you, Darcy, my dear?

Definitely the same old round.
Same old people.

Same old girls.
Same old tea parties.

Same old concerts.
Same old balls.

(BOTH SIGH)

Henri, we regret to inform you,
we're bored with our appearances.

Exceeding bored. This wig you gave
me is absolutely common.

Definitely below your usual
standard, Henri.

Please forgive me, but I'm so upset
by the news I've received from my
beloved France.

Your beloved who?
France, my country.

Oh, I thought he meant a person.
A chap, a girl.

News? What news?

Why, the Revolution. Revolution?
What does he mean, Darcy?

Some new form of vice, I imagine.
You know what they're like.

Oh, yes. Another bore.

No, no. Haven't you heard,
gentlemen? All the French
aristocracy are losing their heads.

But that isn't news!
(BOTH LAUGH)

By the guillotine.
BOTH: Oh.

Executed. Oh. For what reason?

For no reason, except that they are
lords and ladies.

Ladies too? I say, that isn't
cricket.

Damnable waste, to boot.

It's madness, absolute madness.

And no-one is lifting a finger to
help them. No-one at all.

Please excuse me, Sir Rodney.

(CRYING) I am so overcome.

Stab me sideways. Did you hear that,
Darcy, my dear?

They're chopping their heads off.

With no-one lifting a finger to help
them. Disgraceful. Damned.

I say, Darcy, my dear. Do you think
that you and I might...

..lift a finger? Or two.

I say, that would be a good idea!

Wouldn't it just?

Darcy... to Paris.

NARRATOR: And so started the rescue
operation that was to utterly
bewitch, bewilder and bedevil

Citizens Camembert and Bidet. An
operation in which Sir Rodney and
Lord Darcy,

by means of a series of audacious
ruses and artful disguises,

snatched the victims from the very
steps

of Madame La Guillotine.

(SHOUTING AND JEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

(PEOPLE COUGHING)

He always leaves one of these
behind, eh, Camembert?

Yes, Citizen Robespierre.

Well, what is it? What's it supposed
to be?

From inquiries I've made, I gather
it's a sign used in England to
convey contempt.

England? Yes. Many of them have it
on their coats of arms. Two digits,
rampant.

Then what you're trying to say is
that this... What did you call him?

The Black Fingernail, for want of a
better name. One nail is black.

Yes, yes, yes! Is he one of the
British aristocracy?

Oh, undoubtedly.

I spit on them.

So do I. (SPITS)

Oh, I beg your pardon.

He must be stopped, Camembert.
Don't worry, Citizen. I'll get him
next time.

Well, you'd better.

The Duc de Pommfrit goes to the
guillotine tomorrow,

as a prominent leader
of the Royalists.

I said "Royalists", Camembert.

Oh, yes, of course. (SPITS)

That's better. Now, as I was saying,

if the Duc de Pommfrit should
escape, it would be disastrous.

Don't worry, Citizen. I'll
have the guillotine inspected
and put extra soldiers on duty.

By this time tomorrow, the Duc of
Pommfrit will have had his chips.

Whoa! Here we are, then, Citizens.

This is it. Working models of the
guillotine. Only five francs each.

Complete with six aristos,
with fully detachable heads!

Ha-ha! Take one home to the kids
tonight.

Play with it yourself and watch it
fall off in your hands.

Right. Here we are. Five francs.

Good old Darcy.
That's right. Lovely.

Come on, Bidet. Come on. Let's get
started.

Certainly, Citizen, sir. Le Duc de
Pommfrit.

Le Duc de Pommfrit!

Le Duc de Pommfrit!
Le Duc de Pommfrit!

That's him. Get ready.

Well, don't just stand there, man.
Go and get him.

Eh? Yes, all right.

Clear the way! Clear the way there!
Get out of it.

Pommfrit.

(LAUGHS)

Pommfrit, we're waiting for you.

Oh, hello.

I shan't be long. I'm on the last
chapter.

(LAUGHS) This is good, you know!

Put that book down.

Oh, I couldn't possibly do that.
This is the latest Marquis de Sade.

Oh.
(LAUGHS)

Come on.

Take your filthy hands off me,
peasant.

Peasant, am I? Let me tell you that
my blood's as good as yours.

Nonsense. Everyone knows your father
was a basket-maker.

Ah-ha. That's where you're wrong,
see?

Nobody knows who my father was.
Not even my mother.

(LAUGHTER)

You'll laugh on the other side of
your face when your head comes off.

Thank you. I'm quite capable of
making my own way.

(CHUCKLES CONDESCENDINGLY)

Your Grace, there's an urgent letter
for you.

Drop it in the basket. I'll read it
later. (LAUGHTER)

Short back and sides. Not too much
off the top.

One has to admire his courage.

These aristos are all the same.
Anything for a giggle.

Hold it. The Duc de Pommfrit?

Oh, hello. I'm sorry to bother you
at a time like this.

Quite all right. It happens to all
of us.

A pinch? Thank you, no.

I represent Lloyd's of London.

Could I interest you in life
insurance? No, not today.

It's a very good policy. It covers
accidental death by drowning,
shooting,

stabbing, poisoning, hanging...

Beheading?
No. We can't take too many risks.

What's going on here? You, sir, how
dare you obstruct the course of
justice in this way!

All right. I'm only trying to make
a living. A living?

Are you fully covered? I hope so.

Come on. Get off. Come on. Allez.
Go.

Terribly sorry to keep you waiting,
Your Grace.

That's all very well, but it would
never have happened under a Royalist
government.

There's no need to make a political
issue out of it.

Carry on, Malabonce.

(CROWD GASPS)

Now what's the matter?

I dunno. It worked all right this
morning.

Excuse me, but isn't the rope caught
up at the top there?

No, it isn't, and mind your own
business.

I was only trying to help.
We're quite capable of managing,
thank you.

Well, I wish you'd hurry up. I'm
getting a shocking pain in the neck
down here.

I assure you, my dear Duke,
that once we get this working,

you'll be the first to know about
it.

Excuse me. I think I can see what
the trouble is here.

What do you know about it?
Plenty. Take that blade up.

I'm sorry to bother you, but could
you step out?

Oh, really! Just as I was getting
comfortable.

Aha.

I thought so. Who made this thing?

I did.

I approved the design, of course.

Well, you didn't do a very good job.
One of these runners has a kink.

Yes. You have got a kinky runner.

I ain't got a kinky runner.
See for yourself.

I don't see no kink.

Oh, it's there, all right.
It'll never work. Of course it will.
Won't it, Malabonce?

Of course. Course.

Do you want a bet? Yes. 100 francs.

You're on. Right.

We'll show him, won't we, Malabonce?
Yeah, yeah. We'll show him.

Mon Dieu!

(THUD)

(GASPS OF SHOCK)

Dear, oh, dear. I owe you 100
francs.

What have I done? Is there a doctor
in the house?

(SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)

You have no right to get up...
Guards!

Guards! Protect my person. Get 'em
off.

I'm a faithful servant of the
Republic!

You have no right.

Thank you. My pleasure.

Get 'em off. Down! Down!

Help! Help! Guards! Guards!

Protect my person!

Guards! Guards!

You have no right!

I'm Camembert. I'm the big cheese.

Get off. I'm a member of the
Government. You have no right.

It's all the fault of that insurance
salesman.

Where is he? Where's he gone?
I'll have his head for this.

He's gone. So has the Duc de
Pommfrit.

What?! Aargh!

What is it, Citizen, sir?
The Black Fingernail.

It seems that the English have struck
again.

Yes, Citizen Robespierre, but then,
they say it's the one thing the
English are good at - striking!

I'm not amused. Neither am I.

So, Citizen Head of Secret Police
Camembert,

the so-called Black Fingernail has
fooled you again.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Citizen.

Oh, you wouldn't? No.

This is his calling card! It was
found on the guillotine this
afternoon.

Yes, that's true, but he didn't fool
me. Oh, no, not for one minute.

He didn't? Perhaps I've got the story
wrong. He posed as an insurance
salesman. Correct?

Yes.

He abducted the Duc de Pommfrit?
Yes.

And tricked you into executing
Malabonce? Yes.

And he didn't fool you for one
minute?

I knew who he was. I wanted to see
how far he would go.

Mon bloomin' Dieu!

He couldn't have gone very much
further, could he?

I don't know. We've still got the
guillotine.

Now, listen, Camembert.

I want this Fingernail caught.
Do you understand me?

Yes, Citizen, but the trouble is,
I don't know what he looks like.
Nobody does.

Then find out, or nobody will know
what you look like.

Oh, everyone always recognises me.

Without a head?

Now, get out of here, and find him.

Yes, Citizen. I'll do my best,
but it won't be easy.

The Fingernail is a master of
disguise. He could be anyone.

(SHRIEKS) Get out!

Get out!

Come, now, girl. Admit it. You're a
cursed aristo, aren't you?

Come, come. We secret police have
ways of making people talk.

Shall we use the thumbscrews? Not
till Citizen Camembert gets here.

If there's screwing to be done,
he'll do it.

He's screwed up the Revolution
already.

Ah, Bidet.

All roads and other exits
out of the city are guarded?

Oh, yes, definitely, sir. This woman
here...

Bridges are securely held?
I haven't asked her, sir.

I said bridges, not britches.

Oh, yes. Yes, sir.

Good. This accursed Fingernail must
be caught this time.

If only we knew what he looked like.

Don't worry. I've given orders to
hold anyone disguised...

as anyone.
That'll be a lot of help, won't it?!

Who's this woman? What's she doing
here?

I was about to tell you, Citizen,
sir. She was out after curfew.

Well, nothing wrong with a bit of
after-curfew, eh, my dear?

(SIMPERS) But you shouldn't be out
late, you know.

(SIMPERS) You're a naughty girl,
aren't you?

Yes. And I bet you've done it
before, haven't you?

Oh, yes.

Well, I don't think we need detain
you any longer. You can go home now.

Thank you. You're very kind.

(CHUCKLES)
Just a moment.

You'd better let me have your
address. I'll be along later to
erm... check up.

Thank you.

Nice little...citizen thing, eh?

You're not letting her go, sir?
Of course I'm letting her go, Bidet.

I think you're making a great
mistake.

You should get the chance to make
such a mistake, Citizen Bidet.

But she's probably an aristo.

Have you ever known a lady who
needed a shave?

A shave, sir? Yes.

When she kissed me just now,
I distinctly felt her stubble.

Really?

And not only that. She positively
reeked of tobacco.

Well, perhaps you're right, Citizen,
sir.

Of course I'm right, Citizen Bidet.
Ah-ha-ha.

Make a note of these things, and
we'll make a policeman of you yet.

Well, I must be off now. Business,
you know. Let me know immediately of
any developments.

Yes, Citizen, sir. Where will you
be? At this address... Aaargh!

What is it?

It was him. The Black Fingernail.

Really? Aaargh!

(LAUGHS)

No wonder she reeked of tobacco!

He...he... He kissed me!

(GASPS) Don't worry, Citizen, sir.
It was a marvellous disguise.

It would have fooled me.

He did fool you, didn't he?

What?

You had him here, and you let him
go, didn't you?

I did, Citizen, sir?
Yes, you did, Citizen nit!

Ooh! Oh, you great whey-face, you!
You!

Oh! I've just remembered...

what I was about to try and do with
him.

He can't have got very far.
No, and neither could I.

I mean out of the city. If we're
quick, perhaps we can catch her...
him.

Yes, that's right. Yes, he'll make
for Calais, if he can get past the
roadblocks.

Coachman!

Coachman! Did you call, Citizen?

Yes. Prepare my coach. We leave at
once for Calais.

Right, Citizen.

To Calais, as quick as you can!

Wait for me! You stupid great fool!

Pick your hat up. You're supposed to
make way for a superior citizen, you
know.

Allez to Calais!

Halt! Who goes there?

Citizen Camembert.

Listen. Has anyone passed out within
the hour?

Only the sergeant. He's sleeping it
off now.

I'm looking for a woman.

Oh, nothing doing out here, chum.
You want to try Montmartre.

I don't mean that!

Oh, how I loathe these peasants.
Give me the aristocracy any time.

Has anyone passed through here this
evening?

No, not as far as I know, Citizen.

Well, you keep a sharp lookout. Mind
my hat.

Keep a lookout for an Englishman,
a woman and the Duc de Pommfrit,

probably all disguised.

What as?
Well, how should I know?

There'd be no point in the disguise
if I knew what it was.

Oh, open the barrier.

Coachman! Calais, with all speed.

With pleasure, Citizen.

Aaargh! I'm sorry.

Fool.

Wait here, Coachman. The rest of
you, follow me.

Sorry, Citizens. You're too late.
I've already called temps.

Curb your insolent tongue, wench.

You're talking to Citizen Camembert,

head of the Secret Police of the
glorious Republic.

Vive l'egalite! Vive fraternite!
Vive -

Oh, shut up. I wish you wouldn't
keep viving all over the place.

Now, listen to me, woman. Have you
had any men in here disguised as
women?

I should say not! What sort of place
do you think this is?

We are looking for a man who's
trying to flee the country disguised
as a woman.

Well, there's nobody here except me,
and I'm just going off.

She's gone off, if you ask me.
She's gone off...

Wait! She could be him. She's got
the right build.

Leave it to me, Citizen, sir.

All right, woman.

Give us a kiss. Oh! Aargh!

Stop messing about.

Well? No beard.

Come along, then. We'll try
the harbour. Come along.

And let that be a lesson to you,
woman.

Oi, blackhead!

Look! The horse has gone.

(RASPBERRY)

The Black Fingernail!

I don't believe it. The horse?
He couldn't have been.

Duc? Come on, Duc. Come on.

Search everywhere.
(Here they come.)

They can't be far away.
(We'll never get to the boat now.)

Don't worry about it. Just give me
your hat and coat.

Quick.

(GROGGILY) Hello!

A thousand francs for the first man
who takes the Fingernail alive.

A thousand francs? Ho-ho!

I don't know where he's getting it
from.

I'll keep them busy.
Meet you at the boat.

Yoo-hoo!

It's me.
'Tis he.

After he! After who?

After him. After you.

Yoo-hoo!

Can't catch me.

Bolt the doors.
He's in here somewhere.

(BOLTS SLIDING)

(GASPS)

Zounds! 'Tis a woman. And what a
cracker.

What means this intrusion, Monsieur?

How handsome he is! And every inch a
gentleman.

I mean you no harm.

Opportunity would be a fine thing.

Please...leave at once.

If he does, I shall surely swoon
with disappointment.

Alas, I cannot.

Just look how that pretty bosom
heaves.

Pray, why not?

Oh, why does my pretty bosom heave
so?

The Secret Police are after me.

What's this pounding in my ear
holes? Could I be in love?

The Secret Police? But why?

Oh, my fluttering heart.
Can it be I love him?

They seek me because...
I am the Black Fingernail.

The Black Fingernail?

My hero in person!

I must love her, or I wouldn't have
told her that.

I, and all France, are in your debt,
Monsieur.

I salute you.

Now, that's what I call a salute.

I would do anything for you.

Your wish is my command,
and your desire is my desire.

Really? Mm-hm.

Methinks, if I play my cards right,
I might be onto a good thing.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Ouvrez, in the name
of Citizen Camembert and the
glorious new French Republic!

Vive l'egalite, vive fraternite,
vive...

Oh, shut up. Open up! We wish to
search the room.

One moment.

You must flee.

(WHISTLES)

(WHINNIES)

Open up in there!

Go quickly, my dearest love.

I will return. Here.

Take this, as a token of my undying
love.

What a beautiful locket!
My mother's. It contains her
last set of teeth.

Thank you. I will think of you every
time I clean them.

Ouvrez! Ouvrez!

Oh, go, man, go.
Till we meet again.

(KNOCKING)

Ooh! Go on! Giddap!

Go on! Go on!

Oh. I'll have another go.

Show your authority, man.
I can't.

Show your authority!
My trousers...

Bidet, I warn you...

Ouvrez! Ouvrez!

Stand aside, sir. I'll open it this
time.

There he is. Seize him.

So, the accursed Fingernail is in
our hands at last.

It would seem so, Monsieur.

Oh, no, all your disguises and funny
voices won't help you now.

Take him below, and get fresh
horses. We leave for Paris
immediately.

And Bid... Bidet? Where is he?

And this, you claim, is the Black
Fingernail?

Yes, Citizen Robespierre.

Er... but this is a woman.

Oh, yes!

He may look like a woman, but the
Fingernail is a master of deception.

Just because he rode all the way
from Calais side-saddle...

All right, Citizen Camembert. If you
insist this is a man, prove it.

Me? But how? How? How, he asks.

Call yourself a Frenchman?

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) If I might make
a suggestion. Well, what is it?

I have an infallible method for
finding out the true sex, sir.

Yes? Yes, sir. Sooner or later, sir,

he or she will want to go and powder
his or her nose.

Right, sir. When that time comes,
we merely put him or her in a place

that has two cloakrooms.

Ladies and gents.

Then we secretly observe which one
he or she goes into.

Citizen Bidet, I really must commend
you.

Any time, Citizen.

If I chopped off your head,

you'd still have as much brains as
you have now.

Thank you, sir.

I'll show you what sex she is.

There. Have either of you ever seen a
man looking like that?

Well, it's marvellous what you can
do with padding.

If I could just have a bit of a
prod...

No, you cannot have a bit of a prod.
Imbecile! Admit it.

This Fingernail has made a monkey out
of you again.

All right, girl. Tell me. Where is
he?

Out of your reach. Safe back in
England.

It should be quite obvious to you
now, Camembert.

She and this Fingernail have been in
collusion together.

Oh, no, Citizen. I don't think they
had time for anything like that.

Take her away! And make her talk.

And get me this Fingernail.

Yes, Citizen, but it won't be easy,
if he's gone back to England.

Then go to England. Find him.
Unfrock this master of deception.

But what if I fail? Then don't
bother to get your hair cut!

Go to England? What for?

I told you. To find this accursed
Black Fingernail.

Well, what's going to happen to me?
What do you mean, happen to you?

Well, you're my protector.
Who'll protect me?

I can't think about things like that
now. I'm in danger of watching my
own head roll.

It wouldn't roll far.
It's too square.

I wish you wouldn't do that. When
you undress, it's like emptying a
dustbin.

Well, why don't you buy me a
wastebasket, then?

That's all I've ever really wanted
out of life - the simple things.

I'd like to marry a nice man with a
fortune...

and a chateau...and a title.

Then why don't you go and marry
someone with a title?

How can I? You keep slicing their
bloomin' heads off.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Who's that?

Oh, it's you.

Sorry to disturb you, Citizen, sir.
I mean, you did say, if it was
anything im...

...portant...

Evening, Citizen miss.

Well? Very nice. Very nice indeed.

Well, don't just stand there, man.
Get it out.

Get it out. Get what out?

Whatever it was that was so
important.

It's about the girl. It's like you
said, sir.

I spent half the night working to
get information out of her.

And what did you find out?
Nothing.

Nothing? Nothing at all?

No. She kept mum.

Never mind her financial
arrangements with her mother.

What about the Fingernail?

Oh, well, there was this silver
locket. It appears he gave it to
her.

With a lock of his hair?
No, a set of his teeth.

A set of... A set of his teeth?

Fancy keeping your teeth in a silver
locket! I ask you!

Isn't that typical of these damned
aristocrats? A glass of water isn't
good enough.

Mind you, sir, it'll help us to find
him.

All we've got to do is to look for a
man...

who talks like that.

A man who talks like that? That's no
good.

You know these plutocrats.
He's probably got a second set.

What are you gawping at? Er... I
come from a poor family, miss.

We couldn't afford luxuries like
you.

Just a crust of bread and...

an occasional bit of crackling.

Cammie, I'd be very much obliged

if you'd ask this underling to take
his hot, sticky eyes off me.

Underling? There'll be no more of
that talk. In our glorious Republic,
all are equal.

Equality, fraternity... and liberty.

I don't care about the equalities
and fraternities, but I am not
having the liberties.

Quiet, you two. I've got it. I've
got it! Well, you didn't get it off
me.

This girl, she is the bait with
which we set the trap.

The Fingernail must be in love with
her.

But how do you know?
My dear Bidet,

gentlemen don't go giving lockets
with their teeth in them to every
casual acquaintance.

Oh, the English are a queer lot.

Be that as it may, once we let him
know we have this girl a prisoner,

he will hasten back to France to
rescue her, and then... he's in your
trap.

Then what? Shut your trap.
I only asked.

But how can we let him know
the girl's a prisoner,

if we don't know who he is?

We'll find out. We leave for England
immediately.

Now, there's a packet leaving at
dawn from Calais.

Oh, no, Citizen. It's too dangerous.

It won't be the first time I've
caught a packet.

I mean, to go to England. You know
what they think of you over there.

Yes, he's right. Only aristos are
welcome there now.

Then we shall be aristos. Hurry up,
Bidet. Order my coach.

Yes, sir. And don't forget my bag.

Not that one, you fool. I mean my
travelling bag.

Oh, I don't know, though. We'll need
something to do on the journey.

Oh, excuse me.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah, Sir Rodney! I must congratulate
you.

A perfectly splendid charity ball.

Thank you, Lady Binder. Now, do
tell me. What is it all in aid of?

SFA.

Oh, come. It must be in aid of
something.

SFA. Stranded French Aristocrats.

Oh, of course. A very worthy cause.

And you've done them proud tonight.

But then, you've always had
magnificent balls, and I wouldn't
miss one of them.

Thank you, Lady Binder.

Darcy, I've been waiting for you.
What news from France?

Nothing yet. We have agents making
inquiries, but the girl seems to
have disappeared.

I've got to find her, Darcy. Did you
tell them they'd recognise her by my
mother's teeth?

Yes. It's very difficult looking in
every girl's mouth, you know.

Not in the mouth, you fool! In the
locket round her neck.

Isn't it marvellous? No wonder they
haven't traced her. I'll have to go
over myself.

I wouldn't, if I were you.
There's a price on your head.

Oh, and a couple calling themselves
the Duke and Duchess de la Plume de
Ma Tante

arrived in London from France
yesterday.

Escaped? Mm-hm.

Without our help? Exactly.

There is something fishy going on,
so I took the liberty of inviting
them here tonight.

(LISPS) Good lad. It'll give us a
chance to... quiz them, eh?

Oh, thank you.

Come along. What's the matter with
you?

It's these humpback bridges. I
shan't be able to sit down for a
week.

Oh, don't be so vulgar. You're
supposed to be an aristocrat.

Don't they have bottoms, then?

Of course, but down here they're
called country seats.

And what do they call them in
London? The London derriere.

Well, I won't be putting my derriere
on a country seat.

Come on.

Welcome to Ffing House, my dears.
I'm Sir Rodney Ffing. Two Fs.

Ah, Sir Rodney.

I am Count Henri de la Plume de Ma
Tante. One P.

Delighted, my dear. Methinks we have
met before.

Oh, methinks not. Er... this is my
sister, the Countess Desiree.

Charmed to make your acquaintance.
(IN POSH VOICE) Likewise, I'm sure.

Grace and beauty. You're a picture,
Mademoiselle... if a trifle
overexposed.

You'll forgive this intrusion, Sir
Rodney, but after we heard about your
ball...

Think not of it. My house is yours.
You're very kind.

And now you must make up for lost
time. You've got a little behind.

Oh, fancy you noticing! (LAUGHS)

So, you've just escaped from France?
Yes, by fishing boat.

Oh, yes. I thought that perfume
wasn't from Paris.

We're anxious to make the
acquaintance of the Black
Fingernail.

The what? The Black Fingernail,

that gallant gentleman who's been
helping so many of my dear
compatriots to escape.

Oh, yes, that big show-off.
You know him, then?

Heavens, no! I have no stomach for
the manly, virile type.

Now, excuse me. My card is marked
for this dance.

Perhaps the Countess will honour me
later.

Delighted...if someone will mark my
card. (LAUGHS)

I will, Countess. Don't worry.

Do you think that's the Black
Fingernail?

What, that Ffing? Don't be silly.

Well, he seems very nice, and he's
got a title.

Yes, I'm sure, and it's not one you
use in polite society.

Well...what do we do now, sir?

Circulate. Try and pick up anything
that might lead us to the Black
Fingernail.

Circulate? Right, sir.
But remember, you must be
circumspect.

Oh, I was, sir, when I was a baby.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Excuse me, my dear. May I cut in?

Of course, Rodney, darling.
Thank you, my dear.

Your friend, the Duc de la Plume de
My Aunt.

What about him?

He's the living image of Camembert.
What, the leader of the Secret
Police?

The big cheese himself. Well,
what's he doing over here?

Shh. Act naturally.

(HICCUPS)

Oh, hark at me.

You needn't request an audience.
You've got one.

I can't help it. These bubbles get
lodged in my chest.

Hm, there's room for a few lodgers
there.

Psst. What?

Psst. Don't be ridiculous.
I've only had a couple.

(No, no, no. I think I've
got a lead. Over there.)

The Duc de Pommfrit.

Do go on with your story, Duke.
It's so thrilling.

Oh, yes. There I was, face down on
the guillotine,

with a basket full of dirty great
heads staring up at me.

I wonder what happens to all the
heads.

Oh, my dear, they have a special
place for them - the napper's yard.

(LAUGHS)

Do go on with your story, Duke.

Well, the drum roll stopped, and
everything went extremely hush.

The executioner pulled the handle,
and the knife came down,

and bounced off the back of my neck.

Bounced off the back of your neck?
Yes! I had 'em fooled.

I was wearing a hard collar.

(LAUGHS) Well, before they had time
to recover themselves,

I leapt to my feet, I seized the
sword, and I laid into them.

Take that. Take that.

Take this. Take that. (LAUGHS)

And I must say, they took it very
well.

How many did you kill? Oh, six,
seven.

Six or seven? What a bloody sight it
must have been.

Oh, it could have been a bloody
sight more.

But what of the Black Fingernail?

Was it not he who saved you?
Him? Oh, no, my dear.

He was around, but I didn't need
him.

Did you hear that, sir? What a load
of bull.

All men talk nonsense in their cups,
Bidet. It's what we call "coq au
vin".

But I bet he knows who the Black
Fingernail is.

I say. Would any of you young ladies
care to join me for a stroll in the
garden?

I know a nice, quiet little nook.

Not the nooky types, obviously. Oh,
well.

Follow him, Desiree. See what you
can learn. Why me?

Because you are a woman, and women
can do things to...disarm a man.

By the looks of him, he isn't even
armed.

Do as I say! Oh, all right.

But I warn you, one hint of the old
whatsit, and I'm turning it in.

Follow her, Bidet. Watch what she
does. Why? Don't you trust her?

Not all are as loyal to me as you
are, my faithful Bidet.

Thank you, sir.

I wish I had someone to follow him.

That's him there, the one who looks
like he's smelling something nasty.

What do you think?
Difficult to tell with that wig on.

Yes, if we could think of some way
of getting it off...

..like a nice, juicy sneeze.

Ah, Sir Rodney. All alone? Where's
your gorgeous sister?

They just popped out.

(TUTS) That sort of thing is bound
to happen with those low-cut gowns.

You do take snuff?

The taking of snuff is a vice of the
degenerate aristocracy...

And I love it.

Well, you'll go mad about this one.
It's very special.

Rather mild for my taste, I fancy.

Aaa-choo!

My wig! Where's my wig? Oh!

Excuse me, madam.
That's my wig, I think.

Yes, that's more like it...

Oh... Well, perhaps not.

Oh... excuse me, but I seem to 'ave
dropped my 'andkerchief somewhere.

Oh, it was yours, was it? I did see
it somewhere.

Oh, don't bother, really. I... l...

What is it? I feel a little wan.

Oh, dear. Then perhaps you'd better
sit down.

How kind you are! (CHUCKLES)

Is there somewhere we can be quiet
and undisturbed?

Oh, rather. There is a beautiful
spot in the arbour.

Oh, really? I had no idea we were so
near the sea.

(BOTH LAUGH) Come!

What a quaint little place.

It is called a "love pavilion".

Oh, really? I wonder why.

Yes, so do I. This marble seat's
enough to cool anyone's ardour.
However...

Why, sir, what are you doing?

Mademoiselle, may I say you are the
most ravishingly beautiful woman I
have ever seen?

Am I really? Oh, no, sir, you
mustn't. I do insist.

'Ere, knock it off.

What's wrong? Well, there is
something I want from you.

Oh, well, that's all right,
then. As long as we're both
on the same lines.

No, no, sir. Besides, I insist we
have a little talk first.

Oh, very well, then. What about?

I believe you know who
the Black Fingernail is.

Yes. Well, I enjoyed that little
chat. Now, then...

I haven't finished yet. Besides, my
brother, the Count, wishes to meet
him.

I'm afraid that is impossible.

You see, I promised never to reveal
his identity.

Not even to please me?

Not even to please you.

Not even if I were to please you?

Not even if you were to...

Oh, that's different.

I say. How pleasing do you think you
can get?

As pleasing as...

..that, for example.

A few more examples like that,
and you can please yourself.

Come here, you little vixen!
Oh, get off! Stop it!

I can't stop it. My blood's on fire,
my heart's on fire...

Yes, and your hands are groping. Get
off!

Vive l'amour! Down with
everything!

Darcy, you must be more careful
where you sneeze.

You quite upset Monsieur Camembert.

What's that? What did you call me?

You called me Monsieur Camembert.
Why?

Oh, do forgive me. A slip of the
tongue.

But you do look like a chappie of
that name we met in Paris. You
remember, Darcy?

Oh, yes, a weaselly-faced little
runt

who tried to sell us those funny
postcards.

Of course, it couldn't be you, could
it, Count?

Do I look like a man who sells funny
postcards?

Not a bit. You look more like the
chappie on the funny postcards.

I hardly think that's possible.

That's what I said when I saw the
postcards.

Forgive me, gentlemen. I find this
conversation rather boring.

Well, then, let's change it, Count.

Did you have any luck finding that
chappie? What did you call him?
The Big Toenail?

The Black Fingernail.

Ah, yes, of course. Aren't I a silly
Ffing?

Er... excuse me. My secretary wishes
to speak to me.

Well? She's with him, Pommfrit, in
the garden.

Excellent. Is she getting it?
Not half.

What do you mean? (WHISPERS)

Had what off? His gloves.

Bad news, my dear Count?

On the contrary. I fancy my quest for
the Black Fingernail will soon be at
an end.

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

He... Oh.

Never again. Next time you want
information, get it yourself.

(LISPS) Was it a distressing
experience?

Distressin'? Talk about wanderin'
hands! He could write a travel book.

Well, never mind. Did you get the
information I wanted?

Oh, yes, he knows who the Black
Fingernail is, all right.

Oh, there you are!

Oh, hello, Duke.

Naughty little girl. Running off
like that, just when my resistance
was weakening.

Oh, this is my brother, the one what
I was talking to you about.

How do you do? Delighted.

My sister says you have some
information for me.

Oh, you must be the one who's
looking for the Black Fingernail.

Yes, I am. There you are.

Oh, why can't we go home? I'm fed up
with this country.

They all want you to talk about
their parents.

What do you mean?

I've had dozens of men say to me,
"What about a bit of
how's-your-father?"

Well, what else can you expect from
a bunch of beef-eaters?

Why don't they eat frogs' legs and
snails, like normal people do?

Oh, the English have always been
backward.

Do you know, they're still taking
people's heads off by hand!

Ow!

Doesn't surprise me. People who keep
false teeth in lockets are capable
of anything.

The locket! I almost forgot. We may
trap the Fingernail yet. Put this on.

Oh, not that horrible thing. It's
got false teeth in it.

Oh, it's all right. They won't bite
you.

Oh, all right.

When you go back in the ballroom,
make sure you dance with every man
there, if you have to,

and also make sure he gets a good
look...at that.

They always do.

I mean the locket. Oh.

Go on, then. And don't forget, keep
flashing it.

Watch her, Bidet, and report to me if
anyone recognises the locket.

Oh, yes, sir.

I see you're admiring my locket.
What locket?!

Ah-ha!

Excuse me.

Pretty, isn't it? Magnificent.

'Ere, have a good look. That better?

Yes, thank you. It was rather in the
way.

Oh. Excuse me.

Erm...excuse me, but erm...that
locket.

Yes? What about it?

W-Would you mind taking it off?

It keeps b-bashing me in the face.

Really, Sir Rodney! This chain round
your neck... may I pull it?

Please do.

Where did you get that?
You recognise it?

Yes, it was mine. I gave it to...
Yes?

I must talk to you alone. Where?

In the arbour in five minutes.

Oh! You didn't tell anyone about our
assignation?

I didn't even tell 'em we was
meeting.

Clever girl.

Oh, sir... you mustn't.

I must say it, though. I must
confess, his kiss kindles a flame in
me.

I s-s-simply cannot help it.

I'm absolutely enamoured of you.

I've got to say it, even if she does
get on my wick.

And I of you, from the first moment
we met.

Oh, how can I betray him to Cammie?

This is a bit of luck. I can find
out where she got that locket.

My little poodle.

I never knew that Englishmen could
love so. Hold me close again, I pray
you.

I care not if you are the Black
Fingernail,

and an enemy of France.
How did you know that?

You recognised the locket. It was
set there to trap you.

By Camembert? Then you know who he
is?

From the moment I saw him. Now,
where is the girl you got that
locket from?

I will tell you, if... If what?

..if you will make me thine.

Make you mine? Make me thine.

I don't think I can go that far.

Look, I want to be Lady Rodney
Ffing.

Yes, all right, providing you
promise not to tell Camembert
that I am the Black Fingernail.

Gladly. Right.

Now, then, about that girl...

Camembert... has her prisoner.
The Bastille.

I know what he is. Where is the
girl?

I've just told you. She's in the
Bastille.

The swine. I'll kill him.
No, no, you must not do that.

He has left orders that if he does
not return within the week, she will
go to the guillotine.

Then I've got to
get back to France...
'Ere! What about our bargain?

I hadn't forgotten it.
Well, then, seal it.

I haven't got any sealing wax.
Well, I have.

No, madam! Madam! Put me down.

It worked! It worked! We've got him.

Who is it? Who? You'll never guess.
Sir Rodney.

What? That Ffing? Impossible.

It's him, all right. He said the
locket was his.

I can't believe it. That fiddlesome
fop? That doodling dandiprat? The
Black Fingernail?

Yes. Shall I do him now?

No, no, this must be handled with
caution. We're not in France now.

In this ridiculous country, you need
a reason for killing someone. Where
is he?

In the rose arbour with Desiree.

In the rose arbour? Doing what?

Well, I bet they're not watering the
plants.

He's played right into my hands.

I'll walk in there, surprise them
both at it, play the outraged
brother,

and challenge him to a duel... thus.

Aren't you taking a bit of a chance,
sir?

You seem to forget, Bidet. I am the
finest pistol shot in France,

and it's obvious he's no use with any
sort of weapon.

You wouldn't say that if you'd seen
him in the rose... (CLEARS HIS
THROAT)

I'll go and fetch a duelling pistol.

But just to be on the safe side, make
sure you only load one with ball.

(SIR RODNEY WHIMPERS)

What's this I see? Cammie!

Oh! My own sister ravaged before my
very eyes.

No, no, it's the other way round.
You despicable cur, sir.

I demand immediate satisfaction.

This seems a failing in your family.

Enough, sir. You have insulted the
honour of the de la Plumes.

To say nothing of Ma Tante.
Ooh, that hurt.

As the injured party, I have the
choice of swords or pistols.

Well, we won't quarrel. You have
the swords, I'll have the pistols.

Do not jest, sir! Believe me - I am
deadly earnest.

And I am living Rodney, and mean to
stay that way.

You have no choice. This is an affair
of honour.

We meet at dawn.

Couldn't we make it later? I sleep
until midday.

At dawn, sir. One hour from now.

Oh, very well. Where?

You may choose the location.

What about the Garden of Fragrance?
The Garden of Fragrance it is, sir.

They say the scent's lovely in the
morning.

Till dawn, then.

What hour is it?

A minute before dawn, sir.

Hello. Here they come.

I don't care for your choice of
location. I know what I'm doing.
Are the horses ready?

Waiting. Will you kill him?
No. He'd have the girl's head.

I've just got to delay him long
enough for us to get a good start.

Morning. Well, here we are, then.
What happens now?

What? Haven't you ever fought a
duel before? Only with conkers.

It's going to be a piece of cake,
sir. I've never had a fight with
cake.

Wait for me!

What's he doing here? The Duke has
agreed to act as referee.

Good morning, gentlemen. Lovely day.
Are we ready?

Yes. Splendid. Now, I want a good
clean fight.

No fouling, plenty of action, and no
shooting below the belt. Right?

Right. Right.

Now, then, arm yourselves,
gentlemen, please.

For me? Oh, thanks.

You're only supposed to have one.
Yes, only one.

Well, for heaven's sake, get on with
it!

Now, now. Temper, temper. I am the
referee,

and we shall start when I am ready.
Ready?

Seconds... out.

(CHUCKLES) Well done.

Now, then, will you face me,
gentlemen, please?

Now, when I give the signal, you
will turn,

walk ten paces, and fire.

Are we ready? Good show.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Aaargh! I say, you're a bit close,
aren't you?

You nincompoop! You're supposed to go
the other way.

Which other way?
Over there. Go on.

Did you see that? He pushed me.

Come back here at once!

I'm very cross with you. Another
incident, and I shall send you both
off.

Well, he started it.

No, I did not! Yes, you did.

That's enough. Really!

All this fuss over a silly little
duel. Now, take your positions
again.

We will start back-to-back this
time.

That is better. Now, are you ready?

(SCREAMS) No! No! Don't kill him!

I love... No!

Get out of the way, woman!

Get off! Get off! Get her off.

Get that fan off the pitch.

Oooh! Oooh! I have never seen
anything like it.

You're a disgrace!

If I may say so, sir, you're showing
an extraordinary lack of control.

So are you, in those trousers!
You mind your own business.

Now, for the last time, gentlemen...
places, please.

Yes... Oh, thank you.

Are you ready?
Excuse me. Oh, what now?

Could we make it 15 paces instead of
ten?

What on earth for? Well, 15 is my
lucky number.

Oh, all right! 15 paces. For heaven's
sake, let's get this thing over with.

Ahh! (LAUGHS)
Oh, no! (CHUCKLES)

Come on.

Sir! Sir! Are you all right?

Was it the...? The cesspit, where he
belongs.

Oh!

Ooh! He's right in it this time.

That's why you picked this place.
Yeah, that's it. Get the horses.
Come on.

(GROANS)

Ready?

Now!

Come on. Here we go.

Oi, Rodney, what about our bargain?

Looks like you've lost your
new-found love!

Are you all right, sir?

The kiss of life!

What, no chopping today?
Too early.

The unions won't let them work
before breakfast.

Why didn't you get rid of old stinky
Camembert when you had the chance?

You stupid Darcy. If Camembert
doesn't come back alive, the girl
gets the chop.

Now, where is this Bastille,
Pommfrit?

I haven't got it.
You've been there.

Oh, there. Yes, of course. Follow
me.

I shall want half your detachment,
Captain. Right, half of you, fall
out.

We're too late.

(DOOR OPENS)

He hasn't got her, sir. Look!
I can see that, you great nitwit!

Citizen Nitwit, if you don't mind,
sir. In our new Republic, all are
equal...

Yes, yes, I know all that rubbish.

So, Mademoiselle, we meet again.

I'm not afraid of you. Send me to
the guillotine, if you will.

You will never learn the identity of
the Black Fingernail.

I don't need to, Mademoiselle.
I already know who he is.

What? Yes, an English fop.

A dancing dandy. A mincing ninny.

His name is Sir Rodney Ffing.

With two Fs.

Sir Rodney Ffing! With two Fs.

Even his name is music to my ears.

And I happen to know that he's in
Paris even now,

and that he intends to try to rescue
you.

And when he does try, I shall be
waiting for him.

Oh, what a dastardly scheme!

Now, now, none of your filthy,
bourgeois language here.

I shall not let him come here. I
shall get warning to him somehow.

I thought you might try that,

so I've arranged to have you secretly
conveyed to another place of
detention. Come.

I can't stand it. I'm going in.

You must be joking. There's too many
of them. We're not even armed.

So what? Who knows what's happening
to her in there?

Death, or even a fate worse than
death.

Don't worry. I haven't tried death,
but I tried the other. It's not as
bad as they say.

Somebody's coming. Come on.

Oh!

You know where to take her?
Yes, Citizen. Get going.

And guard her well, if you value
your head.

I want two men on duty near her old
cell, night and day, Captain.

Yes, Citizen.

And you, Bidet, will remain in her
cell.

If anyone tries to get in, arrest
them immediately,

no matter who or what they look like.
Understand?

Don't worry, Citizen, sir.

He won't fool me with his disguises.

Good. Let me know the moment anything
happens. I shall be in my office.

Nice of them to tell us they're
setting a trap.

Yes, isn't it? We'll make good use
of it.

How?

Well, the first thing we do is find
out where they've taken her. It's
very simple. Come on.

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

You two, follow me.

(GRUNTING)

Count of Marseilles, Princess of
Lyons, Duc de Saville...

Guillotine, guillotine, guillotine.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come.

Citizen! Bidet's caught someone.

What?! At last! At last!

(CACKLES)

This should be him. Come on.

Hands up! What are you doing?

I'm arresting you, you fool.

Are you out of your senses? It's me,
Camembert.

Yes, of course, and I'm Madame
Pompadour.

Don't take that tone with me, you
upstart!

Watch it, watch it. Oh, you've made
a right mess of this, haven't you?

You don't even look like Camembert.

But I am him. I mean, he.

Yes, we'll see about that. Guards!

You fool!

Does this look like Camembert?
No, not half ugly enough.

Where are those beady little eyes?
And the snotty nose?

And the rabbit teeth?
All right. Take him away!

Where are you taking me?
To Citizen Camembert.

But I am Citizen Camembert.
Get out! Go on.

He's not here.
Of course he's not here. I'm him!

Why don't we take him to Citizen
Robespierre?

Yes, Robespierre. He'll tell you who
I am.

Out! Out!

All right. In you go.

Citizen Robespierre, will you tell
these fools who I am?

Well, who are you?

I don't believe it. You know me.
Citizen Camembert. Little Cammie.

I know Citizen Camembert very well,
but who are you?

Oh, no! Oh!

I caught him trying to rescue the
girl, sir.

Well done, Bidet.

Of course, the idea for the trap was
mine, Citizen.

Your idea? Don't believe him,
the two-faced little rat.

The girl isn't in the cell. I had her
removed, so the Fingernail couldn't
get her.

Oh? Where to? The Chateauneuf.

Chateauneuf, eh?

With a guard of 20 soldiers over her.
Would I know all that if I weren't
Camembert?

I'll look into it. Bidet, guard him
well.

Yes, sir. You two, come with me.

So, trapping the Fingernail was your
idea, was it?

Yes, that's right. Citizen
Camembert's not a bad old stick,

but he hasn't got it up here like
me.

You stupid great fool!

(GROANING) What's that?

I don't know.

(GASPS) Citizen Robespierre!

It can't be. He just went out.

That wasn't him, you blithering
idiot! That was the Fingernail.
He's done it again.

Then you must be...
BOTH: Camembert, yes.

Now will you believe me, you
blithering idiot?

Oh, no! The girl. I told him where
she is.

My coach, quick.

(ROBESPIERRE GRUNTS)

There we are. The Chateauneuf. Or,
as you would call it, Number Nine.

Well named. It won't be easy to
take.

Not against 20 soldiers. Are those
doors the only way in?

Oh, yes. They look pretty solid
to me.

We need a ram. I saw one in the
field.

That was a ewe. Wait. I've got a
better idea. Gunpowder.

'Ere! What about me?

Well, hurry. Nice manners, I must
say.

Ouvrez! Ouvrez! And hurry up about
it.

Ouvrez! Ouvrez!

Oh, it's you, Citizen.

Is the girl all right?
Yes, Citizen. Fine.

Thank goodness for that. We're in
time. What's all that?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) # He loves me

SOLDIERS: # Yeah, yeah, yeah

# He loves me

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# He lo-o-ves me

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

What's going on in here?
# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# He loves me

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# He lo-o-ves me

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

Stop it! Stop it at once. Get off the
furniture, you louts!

How dare you sit on old, priceless
antiques!

How dare you spoil beautiful things
with your grubby seat marks!

It's a disgrace. What's she doing
with that harp?

Plucking it. Well, I didn't
think she was knitting with it.

I didn't see any harm in a bit of
freedom.

No harm, when the Fingernail may
arrive at any moment?

Take her to the top room of the High
Tower.

Yes, Citizen. But there's a window
there. He might see her at it.

Fool! I want him to see her at it.

She is the bait that will draw him
into my final trap.

Yes, Citizen. Right, you two, bring
the girl.

Follow me.

Oh, filthy great louts!

Oh, absolute vandalism. They don't
appreciate good stuff when they see
it.

Why the fuss about a crummy bit of
furniture?

Crummy? This was the home of Prince
Jacques de Tourville,

one of the greatest art collectors in
France.

Every piece in it is priceless.

So what? It's not yours, is it?

Yes! It was presented to me as a
reward for all my services to the
Revolution.

Who by? Me, of course.

Oh.
But what about Prince Jacques?

Never mind Jacques. I'm all right.

But where do I fit in? Wouldn't
you like to be mistress of this?

No, I'm finished with that.
It's marriage for me or nothing.

"The Princess
Desiree de Chateauneuf."
Yes, I like the sound of that.

Oh, we'll see. We'll see. Come.

I must show you the private
apartments. They're magnificent.

Do you know, even the china thing is
Dresden. Bidet...

Yes, Citizen, sir? I shall want
top security. This is my final trap.

And she is the bait.

And what a smashing bit of cheese,
sir!

(LAUGHS)

Oooh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, isn't it lovely?

What's that mirror up there for?

Oh, as I was saying, the Prince was a
great collector.

Oh, yes. He had some beautiful
pieces.

Just look at this wardrobe here.

(GASPS) Oh!

These were the Prince's?

His wife's.
Oh, I was going to say!

Oh, look at this beautiful one.

Would you like me to get it out for
you? Oh, yes, Cammie.

Ooh!

Isn't it lovely?

Why don't you try it on? Can I?

Of course.
Oh, Cammie! Oh, this is fun!

Help me get my dress off.

Why are these doors bolted?
So the Fingernail can't get in.

Imbecile! We want him in. It's a
trap. Open them.

But... Open the doors!

I've had my orders, Citizen.
Oh, well...never mind. I'll do it.

Come along. The doors are open.
I know, but they opened them.

What was that noise? Bidet? Bidet?
Where are you? Where?

It looks like a trap.
Yes, it's the spider-and-fly trick.

We'll have to find another way in.

I've got to get into Jacqueline's
room.

Isn't it marvellous? I can't trust
him to do a thing without making a
mess of it.

Bidet? Bidet? Are you all right?
Bidet?

Mother!

Sorry, Citizen, sir. I can't think
straight.

My brain's not working properly.

Yes, he's all right. Perfectly
normal.

The Fingernail will be here any
minute.

Now, no shooting. I don't want bullet
holes in my furniture.

Back to your stations, out of sight.

Yes, Citizen.

(GROANS)

Are you sure this will get me up
there?

We used it at the siege of
Agincourt.

All right. Go on. Let her go.

Aaaargh!

(GLASS SMASHING)

You!

Now, don't scream. Why? What are
you going to do to me?

Nothing. Well, that settles it.
Help!

I tell you, I distinctly heard a
crash. Come on.

Now, you know where she is, and I've
got to get her. Will you help me?

Look, you made a bargain, and you
never kept it.

I promise you, if you help me,
you'll marry your title.

Honour bright?
See that wet? See it dry?

If I break my promise, you can spit
in my eye.

Not now!

Well?

All right. It's a deal.

And what, pray, is the meaning of
this intrusion?

What was that crash?

Oh, well, I had a little accident
opening the window.

A little accident? That was worth
thousands of francs.

It's a stained-glass window.

Well, if it was stained, it needed
replacing.

It needed repla...

Someone's been in here.

Don't be silly.

I don't believe you. Search the
rooms.

Please yourself. I will.

Citizen, sir. What is it?

Look. Earmuffs.

You idiot! They're kneepads.

Oh, yes.
(THUD)

(SHRIEKING)

Citizen, sir, I've got him, the
Black Fingernail! He's trapped.

Citizen Camembert? Citizen...

..Camembert.

(BANGING)

(MUFFLED) You stupid... Where are
you? Where are you?

You stupid idiot! What do you think
you're doing?

Hello. Citizen Camembert wants me to
speak to the girl.

Certainly, madam.

All right. You can come out now.

That was a hair-raising experience.

You! Yes! It's me.

You said you would come back.
I said I would come back.

And you are here.
And I am here.

Like you said you would.
Like I said I would.

Oh, all right. What are you trying
to do? Make a play of it?

I never thought you would come back
like this. It was the only way.

You took a big risk.
Not half as big as the one I took.

I love you. And I love you.

Oh, that's enough.

Come on. Let's get out of here.
But how?

I've got friends. Here. See?
They're waiting for my signal.

Right, my friend. To arms.

In case it slipped your mind, you're
supposed to get us out of here.

Eh? Oh, yes.

Right. You go first, and we'll
follow. In a couple of days.

Oh, no, you don't. We all go
together, or not at all.

All right, then, spoilsport. Go on.
Make a noise. Call for help.

(SQUEALS) Help!

(CACKLES)

Stay here. I'll send for you when
it's over. (LAUGHS)

Yoo-hoo!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) It's me.

The Black Fingernail! After him.

(SOLDIERS SHOUTING)

Bolt all the doors, Bidet.
We've got him in the trap.

Yes, sir.

Come on, Pommfrit.

Ah-ha-ha! Come on. Defend yourself,
you poxy knave!

I'll have you arrested for this.
You know what you're doing?
You're masquerading.

Help! Help! Help!

Pax! Fainites!

Cor!

No, no! Don't shoot. Mind the
furniture.

No, no. Use your swords.

Darcy!

Now.

Ha-ha-ha! Come on.

Aaaargh!

(LAUGHS) Tremendous fun!

Get going. I'll hold 'em off.

(LAUGHS)

You'll pay for that window! You'll
pay for it. Do you hear?

Hey-yaargh!

Argh!

You clumsy great lout! Can't you be
more careful?

You've ruined my petit point.

It could never have happened before
the Revolution.

(GROANS)

Oh, beautiful things! Irreplaceable.

(SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS)

Wait! Mind the vase.

Ready?

Oh, no! One of the finest collections
in France.

Ruined! Ruined! Gone for ever.

SOLDIER: Go on!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, no!

(CACKLES)

Won't be a minute, Duke.

Oh, no! Not the harp.

Ah-ha! Ooh, I say!

(LAUGHS)
Thank you, Duke.

Vandals! This took years to make.

Oh, beautiful thing!

Bidet! Bidet! Speak to me.

Waargh.

Oh... my bust!

Oh, beautiful thing.

Ha-ha!

Ole! Oh, shut up. Get the girls.

Look out, Rodney!

Oh, no! What have I done?

(GASPS)

Well, Cheeseface, the reckoning has
come.

All right, Sir Rodney.
You win. I give up.

What shall we do with him, Darcy?

Well, there are lots of things we
could do. Hang him, drown him...

Or just ventilate him!
I'm coming, Citizen, sir!

Oh, no!

Oh, oh, no, no, no!

Darcy, bring the girls!

Come on. Let's get out of here.
Come on, Pommfrit.

Pull it up!

Up a bit! I'm holding it.

Let's get out of here.

Anyway, we've drawn a big crowd.

I have, you mean. You don't think
they've come to see your miserable
head fall, do you?

I hope the rain keeps off. I forgot
my hat.

Thank goodness the accursed
Fingernail is not here to see this.

I've got news for you.

I wouldn't have missed this for the
world.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Nice way to keep a bargain, I must
say!

What's the matter? I promised you a
title, and he's got one.

I hate to think what it is.

(CACKLES)

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