All language subtitles for [English (auto-generated)] Woody Allen Dick Cavett 1969 [DownSub.com]

the Dick Cavett show with Woody Allen

and Bob Rosengarten at the orchestra

ladies and gentlemen

Dick Cavett

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

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oh there's no place for sick humor in

this movie get that thing down welcome

to this latest show in our series really

the latest I have no joke monologue

prepared tonight so but I'm gonna do a

monologue anyway and this is it and if

you don't like it

tonight I'm never gonna do it again this

is it folks after tonight santé flesh

finds itself a new boy we listen I would

like to say I'm gonna talk about the

show later on not a lot right now but I

would like to say if I forget later that

I have made a lot of new friends on this

run it was a limited engagement I'll

explain that later I mean it was always

meant to be and I've met a lot of new

people and new sponsors and friends and

stolen a lot of ballpoint pens from the

network it's been fun and I remember

when my other show went off that was a

cancellation that was the real thing and

the network has somehow under mr. rule

gotten somewhat classier than then I

don't know what it is but I remember my

old cancellation was a telegram just a

telegram nothing personal roses are red

violets are blue save your money we're

dumping you

I knew it came from the top because red

was spelled wrong but

we we I ABC has been very kind they have

made terrific fuss over me right up to

the last show now I mean really a fuss

the way NBC treats Johnny Carson just

really they came in and burned my office

down so anyway I look forward to the

winter and I'm gonna relax in the winter

my biggest problem this winter will just

be whether to use coal or raisins as the

snowman's mouth they say none of the

pressures intentions of television hey a

stagehand gave me a joke he waited all

this time and he gave me a joke said you

may need this in the monologue he said

tell him we were gonna serve Long Island

duckling but the train didn't get in the

stagehand gets applause I get nothing

more stage hands should be out on stage

and more performance should be back

where they belong

oh hi Rosengarten he's not there knock

it off what's he gonna tell you Oh

someone asked yeah I did a joke about

Shirley Temple the other day and they

said what were the reason mr. Nixon uh

know appointed her to the UN delegation

and theories have been coming in one of

them is that he wants the world to have

a happy ending that's not the best one

that's coming

listen I have some mail to read to you -

we were deluged with phone calls about

the Adam Clayton Powell show Tuesday

night and the mail won't be able to come

in by that but I am going to read you as

we come back some angry mail and some

nice mail that we've gotten so that you

know that your mail is looked at and I

don't want to go into a long thing about

thanking all the little people because

none of them is littler than I am and so

we should just get on with it we have

tonight Woody Allen who has had a number

of honors lately one of them he's been

appointed fashion consultant to the

manga narrow trucking and delivery and

one of the great ladies of the American

theater and screen miss Ruth Gordon is

here with us and I will we'll be back

after this massage

[Applause]

I know that when you watch a television

show and you write in about something

you wonder if your male has ever read

and I have been trying to catch up in

the mail it's been coming in about the

show going off in boxes of 500 which are

piling up so I assume I will get to your

letter sometime in November if it's at

the bottom of that file but if we did

some past shows which we got an awful

lot of mail particularly about when we

had Allen Ginsberg and Joan Baez on I

would just like to read it to you to

show you what what happens when you have

something like that on the show these

were not typical yes but I'll just read

these straight through how could you

stoop so low as to have anyone like Joan

Baez on your show is beyond me she made

the statement who would want this

country if she doesn't like it why

doesn't she go somewhere else I must say

your show has the most appropriate

sponsor Santa flash of any show on

television and I'm sure no one would

miss her and her miserable Talent and I

would be willing to bet no other country

would want her either

dick obviously where's it from Michigan

method of matters it was so good to see

Joan Baez on your show nonviolent

movement as the future of humanity if

you managed to have a future hope to see

her back again on your show thank you

shows such as yours can be an influence

for good but not by providing a platform

for those of who hold our country and

contempt Joan Baez has amassed a fortune

in our country under our system I'd like

to see her do it in any other country

she held up as an example

I'm sick of such on American Activities

and pronouncements my country right or

wrong that's from Iowa the actual source

of that quote I looked up and it's Carl

shirts and the quote was our country

right or wrong when right keep her right

when wrong to make her right again which

is more complicated actually

mr. Carter active male you may have

gotten about joan baez harris enjoyed

her very much after your tasteless

remark about her husband as well thanks

for having more courage than CBS may i

say further that bland uninspired

television offends my group sincerely

and jennings the appearance of joan by

this is a telegram on Dick Cavett show

Monday night was a revelation Cavett's

introduction quote the only guest I've

had his husband is in jail

end quote was tasteless but his opening

remarks out of the field to have your

old man out of the house that's a new

standard for brutality and a median was

basically contribution to American life

is vulgarity Cavett's comeuppance from

the studio audience was surprising but

the revelation came from Miss Baez for

Grayson her humanity and Cavett who when

faced with a human being revealed

himself a fool this is written to let

you know that there are people

appreciate your letting Joan Baez

express her views and relationships to

draft in the war and so on

Denver disappointing treatment of Baez

deserves apology would appreciate

explanation on air tonight is your

liberal attitude a facade sorry to see

you've been emasculated by ABC

fraternally the San Francisco resistance

thank you for showing courage and

integrity by having someone on like

Allen Ginsberg it was the only

opportunity many of us have had to hear

this man speak your questions get right

to the heart of the matter thank you why

do you allow an insect like Allen

Ginsberg to make a statement that

Sinclair was sentenced to nine and a

half to ten years for possessing two

marijuana cigarettes I enjoy your show

but he was convicted for the third time

someone should clear this up who I allow

people to lie on your program I'm

disappointed in you I guess I'll have to

discontinue being one of your viewers so

mr. Denton er so someone can tell him

that I read his letter your show is

consistently interesting and

entertaining but tonight with Allen

Ginsberg was the best yet I hope that

you'll continue to see you for a long

time and mr. Ginsberg again William

Mulligan MD I'm sorry I shouldn't read

that should not read some names and not

others oh thank you for having Allen

Ginsberg on he's a great human being on

Tuesday you had Allen Ginsberg on your

show after listening to your

conversation with him we came to a

conclusion he was in favor of drugs he

complained that a friend was given a

sentence for nine years for selling two

sticks of pot we would have given him 20

years we are not old people were 15 and

16 year old girls and we don't consider

ourselves squares and our opinion this

man is a pig and if the world were left

in his hands we feel it be in a worse

state than it is now the drug user is a

menace nutterman with himself but all

society and thank you for we'd like to

express our opinion that not all young

people are in favor of drugs well this

goes on it's interesting and confusing

another letter in favor of Ginsberg

another letter against him I honest

people can disagree on this subject and

I am not against either of you this sort

of thing gets me a bit why did you have

that Ginsberg or animal on your show do

you think young people should take LSD

no I do not as I said on that show he

was as repulsive and obnoxious and

furthermore he should be tried for

treason why doesn't the army round up

some of these rats and put them away

somewhere mrs. so-and-so you madam our

fool

anyway I would like to I didn't hope you

won't take that personally

[Applause]

and I don't mean to lump the other

people who did not like allen ginsberg

with you my husband and I have been

watching your show Reggie this is

confusing about doing this show I

explained this one night I was talking

to Jack Paar about it over the weekend

at least I think speak for themselves my

husband I have been watching his show

regular enjoy it very much

last night Joan Baez one of your guests

and I'm writing to let you know we did

not agree with your stand against her

usually you're quite broad-minded but

last night you acted like a boob

recently I viewed the show much Joan

Baez was interviewed and I was so

appalled that I felt compelled to

express my feelings how sad that

Americanism is slip to this level hard

to believe that anyone could make such

comments on national television without

one word of opposition from the host as

a contradiction in those two one more to

show you that may I tell you how happy I

was that your audience did not applaud

Joan Baez in the garbage or draft-dodger

husband wrote but why did you sit there

nodding and smiling agreement with every

word out of her mouth and the next

letter says mr. Cavett hostility and

total ignorance of Joan Baez message of

brotherhood was despicable

he hates the love that she speaks of and

that is possessed by Joan Baez and it is

a symbol of his insignificance it's very

hard to know which I did anyway I just

want you to see that people write and

I've said this before when I disagree

with someone they say you're supposed to

shut up and be an objective host and not

interrupt and when I don't disagree with

someone they do they say why are the

same people say why don't you tell them

you know why did you shut that guy up so

as I said please be more precise in your

instructions it's hard to know I there

have been thousands of letters about the

show going off and this one I amused me

I have favored my furniture the kitchen

floor shots Bravo the three toilet bowls

are Santa flesh thanks to raid the only

pests around is our dog our teenage

daughters go with Clearasil and Sinex

and I'm smoking a Viceroy as I write is

there anything else we can do to keep

your litter and entertaining programs so

on on the air

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be commended for bringing us the best

hours on television so and thank you I

read that only to thank my sponsors who

stuck with us all through this oh I

don't know how this got in here but I

get it from the left and the right how

could you stoop to having William

Buckley on your show the man is a known

snake that's it

a known snake is really somebody I know

that's going to ruin his day anyway

thank you for indulging me and all that

and letting me have it I must read now

this from Elton rule of ABC as president

of ABC it's a telegram congratulations

on the Dick Cavett summer series as I

mentioned in our meeting earlier this

week the response to this innovative

programming is most gratifying as you

know we are now developing plans to

ensure the future of the Dick Cavett

show on ABC I assure you that Kevin

figures strongly in ABC's future Alton

rule president ABC television network

I want to read that because I did want

to explain once again to those who

understand it that this show was merely

planned as a summer experiment so to

speak with the possibility of bringing

back in the fall and so in fairness to

the network this was not a cancellation

they had bought their fall schedule and

they have to go ahead with it and there

in fairness to you there is not a

definite time at the moment for me to

come on but they there will be talk in

the next couple of weeks

Woody Allen after this message

[Applause]

I'm confessing that I love you that

never fails I don't know what it is I

wish I could read you Judith Chris

review of Woody Allen's new film but I

cannot it's a rave review and it is a

hilarious movie I just saw it for the

second time and I would like you to

welcome woody he's had a slight

disappointment and he may not be in a

great mood I probably shouldn't say that

but the 10 best-dressed list came out

and he was edged out by the rest of the

country will you welcome from the pages

of gentleman's quarterly mr. Woody Allen

[Applause]

thank you you should you should know

that I this is true that I every year

for the last four years nobody ever says

anything about this I made the 10

best-dressed list in Poland well I'm

glad we cleared that at you all the time

because this movie of yours involves

crime you know I get asked who does he

really have a serious interest in crime

and were you once as a kid I guess

you've given interviews in which you've

claimed an interest in crime I do I

haven't I have an interest in anything

on the other side of the law you know

and when I was when I was younger I

wanted I wanted originally to be an FBI

man when I was a little kid thank you

but I didn't I didn't have the I

couldn't pass the physical to do it I

didn't have the height requirements or

the you know I wasn't blonde enough and

I didn't have and then I wanted to be a

criminal for a long time but this is

true but in in in New York State you

have to be I think over five seven to be

yeah I guess the written but I couldn't

they keep revising the requirements to

II just can't keep up with it I

understand you're following the Queen on

what is known as another Network

yes I guess we shouldn't mention which

one but people can easily probably this

Sunday night this coming Sunday night

which is the eve of a most sacred Jewish

holiday I'm on television and all the

Jewish people around the country are to

atone for their sins they put me on

and I the funny private is the show it's

it's a comedy show and it's on the times

vary according to the country but it's

on this Sunday night on CBS and I and I

follow the Queen of England and it's me

and candy Bergen and I in a sketch where

we both get naked which is really gonna

be an interesting sketch it's true it's

a sketch that an actual picture we've

done it already we taped it already and

and it's really very interesting I don't

know why I find this hard to believe but

I guess I do

oh that's mighty too young and naive and

oh no but it is it's an hour of horny

comedy you know it's really gonna be

interesting and the fifth dimension Iran

with me who really one of my favorite

singing groups because I you know I'm

not I I never wanted to have a group on

the show that I didn't really like

because I don't have the nerve to come

out and give him a good introduction if

I don't and and they consented to do the

show and and also Billy Graham the the

noted reverent and it's all man who's

gonna be very unlikely combination I yes

you know the royal family do you know

you in England I was in England but I

did a command performance once for the

Queen Raquel Welch and myself did a

command performance it's true it's not

what you think it was it's another and I

got a chance to meet the Queen and I was

in a long line of people and I was

dressed with tails and white tie and

Tails and everybody else was next to me

and the Queen came down the island we

all had a bow and meet her and you know

she she said you know what he in town

for I said can you get rid of the king

for five minutes

I wouldn't have thought of that that's

great

do you know what speaking of Raquel

Welch did you know have you ever heard

this rumor that I was married to her

once

I swear yeah no kidding it appeared in a

national magazine a question in a

question column that we understand it

was once married to Raquel well I

thought that was true no I would have

remembered wouldn't it I hadn't namath

on here Joe Namath the other night and

you know what am i under frustrations in

my life is that I never was able to play

football it was just too small did you

go for football even though you were

young I played all sorts well I got it's

the truth I got a you know it's I'm a

remarkably good athlete and

I'm a great great baseball player I got

tremendous power to all fields and

kidding and I wish I was a great

quarterback you know I'm a fantastic

field goal kicker and I was a great high

jumper and I was a boxer for a while and

I was a great tennis and golf player and

I was a remarkable long-distance runner

and a soccer star for a long time and I

do a lot of work on the trampoline and I

do quite a bit of charity work for the

ballet breath I I wondered where that

was going

we have listen I have an idea they have

put these chairs out here I thought it

was before we went on it what Norman

Mailer calls an existential caper why

don't we step down center stage as they

do in the bishop show and let the

audience ask us anything they want to it

might be stupid and we may be sorry I

don't mean you well I mean we may you

want to do that I was doing right now

let's move right into that okay

try to be a good we could stand if it's

more comfortable it's a funny feeling

you really feel like a dunce we look

like two Charlie McCarthy's Bergy Bergy

Bergy anyway raise your hand if you want

to ask us either of us a question

how does it feel to be perverted how's

it feel to be governor I didn't feel to

be perverted yes it's a warm wonderful

feeling I'm always asked that question

in this week's New York Magazine

I'm quoted as being in quotes one of the

country's leading perverts it's true one

of the top ten I haven't seen this

year's list who who else would let

there's a gentleman right there gonna

get a microphone to him either of us I

saw you on 59th Street a week ago going

to see that movie Swedish heaven and

hell with a girl do you remember when I

said to you a hello paranoid yes yes I

do

one of us is crazy I just want to

clarify this right now

I wasn't going to see sweet in heaven I

was going to see the three films of

Edgar Allen Poe's the vadim milan

Fellini film and that was not a girl

with me and that's why I answered you

the way I did there now let them wonder

yes the gentleman in the tie I've heard

a rumor that you're gonna run for the

presidency in 1972 is that true which

one of us is he talking to I don't think

he's talking to either of us

yes he's not and I am NOT neither

president no I myself believe in a

fascist dictator state I would like to

it was you're gonna run from fascist

Victor dictator

yes I'm running for dictator I'm my

fondest wishes to to be a benevolent

dictator I would like to you know get

control of the reins of government for

maybe just 20 minutes if I don't really

see shaft running for fascist they're

one of the fascist runners and down

[Applause]

who else has one guess there must be a

balcony yes balcony what yes you I'm

assuming there's someone up there anyone

down here it's hard to see the balcony

yeah

yes ma'am yell it out sorry sorry what

size shoe do I wear which leg that's not

bad for an ant that was good yeah my eye

they're actually booties yes lady in the

hairpiece no I'm sorry okay would you

bendin griffin or Johnny Carson if they

asked you we were thinking of having

them here but they're gonna have to

hurry

yeah I think we're both free to it to

appear wherever we like got yes balcony

[Music]

is he back again

folks at home the question is where is a

strange animal musk Esther Ellen exudes

the drives women wild and where can we

get it next yes gentlemen mr. Allen

there was an item in the paper yes

that stated that you can make a lot more

money writing but you prefer performing

could you tell us why you personally

prefer people I don't I don't prefer

writing or performing actually how do

you do more performing than writing I

don't I do an inverse ratio of writing

to the amount of perverse at there's

someone actually freaking out in the

balcony

yes yes yes yeah I'm married but

separated you know so it's the same

thing in a different sense I have to

walk a few blocks to get what I want

I must be I don't understand a word it

is

to walk a few blocks yes someone with

glasses please there's a gentleman with

glasses right back there sir

congratulations on your glasses I

thought you had a question I don't mean

to be impertinent

I wonder if mr. Cavett has yet made or

if he would now care to an endorsement

for the position of mayor of New York

endorsed whom for the position of mayor

well your choice I would presume yes I

want the funny one yes we all know who

that is

yes gentlemen raising his hand

timorously but has a terrific limousine

thank you a personal question

Oh detail yeah you know who's your

tailor who's my tailor right I bought

everything that this is true at the Army

and Navy store on 42nd Street this event

it's the best place you go in there and

it fits right off the rack and and it's

like $7 repair pants and they last

forever they have an interesting

built-in musky odor that you might

now there's a lady right here you're

both known for your athletic prowess

which of you can do the most pushups

which of us can do the most pushups

[Applause]

I think we all know the answer to that

yeah we would cancel each other out so I

started to push up in 1946 this is true

and it lasted through I think the late

50s you think they're daring us to try

[Applause]

effectively over I can't do push-ups

because I have a terrible I have an N

physique my chest that extends this is

true down to my leg and back up the

other side negating also my chest is

that the Broadhurst theater we should

give odds we should start even I should

take my jacket off

[Music]

so we take our whole shirt off and do

our push-ups on this come on

the chili is on with the eyelids no no

actual push-ups from the floor I can't

get that I will if you will take my

shirt yeah I'll roll my sleeves

I can't take my shirt off cuz I have a

pornographic tattoo it cannot be seen on

a major Network you know unless

accompanied by a parent pardon me did I

all my muscle okay yeah are we undressed

a nap if we took our shirts off it would

close the network actually want to do

push-ups I don't know if we gotta get

going

okay but think of it this way what if I

drop dead from a heart attack

[Music]

[Applause]

now you clap but you'll feel guilty

right when you're going because ya know

you will cuz I'm vulnerable and you

think that guy he was sweet and he

dropped dead from a heart attack as we

egged him on to do push-ups I don't want

to do any push-ups I if you want to see

a physical act performed I knew you'd

get us out of this do we have to break I

have a tattoo that says Wilma that I'm

very ashamed oh no I really I got it as

a kid at the fair there was a girl named

Wilma after that I broke up with her and

there are no red-hot Wilma's running

around so I've wasted night Wilma I

don't want to do five and and we'll let

the audience count and we'll they'll

judge on who did them better

how long can we stay this way okay this

is ridiculous

[Music]

[Applause]

Oh

[Music]

[Applause]

it's funny have you ever heard him in

herniate from the waist up very strange

we have to pause and collect our safety

[Applause]

miss Gordon will be here in a moment

what is your movie around the country at

or are we talking about a movie that's

only in New York no oh no the movie is

in New York at the 60hz Playhouse and

it's in Los Angeles at the Regent

Theatre and it's in Boston at the sherry

one theater and it opens next week in

Philadelphia at the Lane Theatre and the

week after that at the United Artists

Theatre in in Chicago and do we hear

those again you might um uh say you're

very frank in those answers if you've

always been about your personal life

about anything I've never seen anyone

answer questions with such candor you

talk about the ladies yeah I'm very cool

about that you know about this is a true

story about two weeks ago I ran into my

ex-wife at a restaurant in New York and

and I'm a sophisticated person about all

these things you know and I said to her

would you be interested in for old times

sake to make love one more time

and she said over my dead body and I

said why not that's the way we always

used to do

I wish I were older and understood all

these things she was traumatized cuz on

our honeymoon night I was making love to

and I got a tear in one of my rubber

gloves oh let me wait is there a camera

on me oh yes I would like to introduce a

lady who is one of the incomparable

ladies in the American theatre there

have been