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there we are
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Woody Allen is a gentleman who you might
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call him one of the last of the great
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boulevardier he's detached and droll and
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the essence of a man of the world he he
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can be cruel when necessary having to
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fight his way through the hoards of
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women who wait at the stage door I don't
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know what mood he'll be in tonight but
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will you welcome playwright author and
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bon vivant Woody Allen
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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this is the show where I know I know
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that I balanced shoelace
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the
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bingo that takes care of but or no not
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the other one no no like you can do that
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[Music]
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you come back I do that again at 10 and
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12 my side of you I haven't seen that
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takes care of my first question which
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was how are your shoes how's it going
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that's a dumb thing to ask but I know
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you're playing Knightley on Broadway and
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it's really roughly it even find time to
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get over here yes it's going okay I came
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back so the first time I ever took a
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vacation at all for a weekend I went to
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Fire Island for the weekend why do they
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do this I don't know there's something
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about Fire Island that I don't know what
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it is
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I don't either I know that I went there
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once I did not see anything unusually
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odd about fire the same way I found it
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yeah I went there on Saturday night and
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this is my beach at tire I have sand and
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my sneakers in my pockets and the little
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crevices of my body get into that later
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I dunno
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what is this you don't believe we can
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switch audiences and bring in another
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one no I do know that there's there are
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jokes about certain segments of Fire
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Island because there's one bless you
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there's this guy sneeze on my arm I
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didn't think they caught that at home
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germs are spread that way
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germs are our friends that's another of
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your odd theories yes you have several
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they make us sick and then we don't have
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to show up do our show everybody you
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know why it's gonna ask you once I know
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that your show anyone knows who's seen
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it or who will see it will know that
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it's just chock-full of beautiful girls
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you know I don't know if that was
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intentional and that but did you have a
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tough time finding that many pretty
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girls auditioning them and it wasn't no
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it was tough to find girls that could
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act that we're pretty that was the
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problem was there beautiful women are a
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dime a dozen this is the truth you know
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and for a guy like myself this is so
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high I'm not come off like dominoes you
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know like that now
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any now when you go into the theater
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they have like 20 or 30 waiting in the
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wings and each one is more beautiful in
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the next and they come out and they
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speak and they sound like Minnie Mouse
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or you know they're really bad and it's
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hard to find eight girls that can
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actually act yeah but we did but if you
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manage to get a really a passel of
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lovelies it is a really terrific I mean
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it just is a it's a joy to go in there
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every night I'll be playing the play
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till October I think or you know maybe
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beyond that I don't know and then you
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have your film coming out which is how
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soon in the future I believe six weeks I
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think six to eight weeks and the movie
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should be out yeah why don't we we have
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a clip from your film can we show that
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you know that we did yeah and we'll show
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it the name of the movie is the name
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change it's my turn yeah take the money
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and run
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and you want me to tell you I get
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emotionally little bit because this is
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I'm I'm a racketeer in the picture I
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keep telling people that I'm with the
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Philharmonic to throw the look so they
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don't so they don't catch me sure and in
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this section of the picture I stick up a
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guy on a street corner
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this is toward the end of the picture
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but it's not the actual end of the
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picture okay with that in mind we roll
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we don't believe we roll we look at - if
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you look right there last films of
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Virgil Stockwell being captured by the
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FBI right get your hands up it's a
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stick-up
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[Music]
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that's right with the Philharmonic look
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it's been great speaking to you really
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oh it's so nice to see you you too take
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it easier that's the average oh I just
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realized
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you kidding house going oh it's a great
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job I get it I get a patient
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[Music]
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I think they love it well that's one
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little section of the picture and the
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fellow with me was Mark Gordon who is
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that we shot this we shot that section
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of the picture in New York and it's
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toward the end of the picture I can't
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tell you the end because no don't
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breathe a word at the end no surprise to
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it at all
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oh no no he's seated during the picture
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are after it started before it started
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or or at the end what rating does the
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picture have then the picture it's pee
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perverts only I guess yeah I guess I
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should have known we have to poison
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we'll be back yes I'll tell you what let
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me reword that now a word from a bowl
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cleaner with a more active cleaning
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ingredient than the other leading brands
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santé flesh yes sir
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[Music]
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Oh before you came here tonight some of
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the people in the audience were anxious
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to meet you and we couldn't have
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everyone meet you of course so they
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wrote questions to you and we grabbed up
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a handful of them and do you mind if we
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just have a go at these and see what
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happens
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no no I don't mind anything I'm good
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this is to mr. Allen now these people
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sign them I guess they did
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[Music]
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do you like blondes or brunettes thin or
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just pleasingly that's from Joe Brendan
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Joe is that two people Joe Brendan I
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know I think Joe brand is one person
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unless he or she or both of them
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disagree
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I like blondes and the fatter the better
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I like really fat chicks that's you know
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it's it's never revealed it this is true
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if it's a weirdness of mine but I like
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I'm really gigantic women who are 500
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pounds with gels and fat thighs thighs I
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love to brush my cheek up against a
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really bulbous file
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if we'd known perhaps we could have
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arranged something this woman says did
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you ever meet a real woman I mean the
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artists kind of underlined that's what I
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was trying to figure out there better I
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believe you've dealt with the kind you
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would like to be a real woman
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what is it depends on the definition of
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a real woman yeah it's hard to know what
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they mean by there yeah a real woman
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they don't you always get the impression
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that it's someone you know who sits
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around on silks and satins and breathes
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fire and everything and but I um I stay
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away from real women as often as
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possible you know it's true because you
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don't know they're they're too
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formidable you know what I mean the idea
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is to get to try and get losers you know
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there are certain good if you hit on
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ugly chicks as you go through life you'd
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be amazed what a great percentage of
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scores you make
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that's funny didn't-didn't dr. rose
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friends blouse a much the same thing let
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me see what outstanding talents do you
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have and what are some of your hobbies
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hope that doesn't overlap yes I I
198
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collect open sores this is true how many
199
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of you thought he wouldn't treat me
200
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seriously and I'd like to fill cavities
201
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a little bit of amateur dentistry on the
202
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side yes and I like to be hickey by
203
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midgets well I believe if we put
204
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something in for everybody there let's
205
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see how did you know this is odd how did
206
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you like the tuna fish in the Midwood
207
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high school cafeteria is there anybody
208
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out here from is that a real place yeah
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middle high school well that's your
210
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actual yes it is there someone here from
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familiar yep oh that's right this girl
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right down here oh is Midwood bisexual
213
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what is the phrase I want
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sneeze again John we need it
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what was the word I wanted co-education
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yes right I often say bisexual or me
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something else let's move on before we
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get why do you always scratch your head
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Sharon Weinstein they're sharing up
220
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there right I'm trying to to stimulate
221
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my dandruff I'm trying to accumulate the
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world's largest collection of dandruff
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which I presently can when you get it
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can we be the first to show it yes it's
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multicolored flakes and I accumulate
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them a neat little piles around the
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house and I have people over and I use
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them as conversation pieces that's
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somehow I knew you were going to say
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that would you like to meet we have a
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surprise for you because I know what an
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inveterate fight fan you are you're
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practically always ringside I was the
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other night even when the garden is
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closed what he goes oh I think to almost
236
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all of the major the other night we did
237
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our show played against a man wheat and
238
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we we cut the first intermission down by
239
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about five minutes and we cut out the
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second intermission completely which was
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really work and we just ran as fast as
242
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we could and we got to the garden time
243
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to see the championship fight the Frazer
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fight the phrase your boyfriend I don't
245
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know if he says Frasier or phrase the
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phrase would you handle it listen I plan
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to tell him exactly what I think of him
248
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when he gets out here which is that he's
249
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honorable and courageous and all of
250
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those things
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I have never over right you may whether
252
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you want to or no kiss I've never met a
253
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heavyweight champion that I well of
254
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course to Cassius Clay what but I mean
255
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right after he had fought like this it's
256
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quite a quite a thrill for me I don't
257
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know a great deal about heavyweight
258
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boxing my interest in it spans the Billy
259
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Conn Joe Louis fight up to the marriage
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of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine
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it seemed to be several
18188
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