Original subtitles

[ Clock ticking ]

[ Computer beeps ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Computer beeps ]

[ Clacking continues ]

[ Computer beeps ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Clock ticking ]

[ Keypad beeps ]

All units, please respond to a possible intruder

In the research department.

[ Blaring continues ]

This product is the result

Of years of research and development.

Everyone at the company

Is convinced the stock price is going to soar.

[ Christmas music playing ]

A toy?

Chubby snubby.

I was the exec overseeing its safety report,

Which came back with a level three choking hazard rating.

But I refused to cook the books, so hazlit fired me.

Hazlit?

Trent hazlit, c.e.o. Of poggio toys.

And he's not worried about lawsuits?

Hazlit does cost-benefits for everything.

And the deaths of a few kids is an acceptable risk

In the name of profit.

Well, he is awfully cute.

Not so cute when a kid swallows its nose

And it swells up to the size of a pomegranate.

Hazlit buried the chubby snubby report

So he could launch before christmas.

All the toys are at retail warehouses

Waiting for the announcement at the pacific toy expo.

We're looking at a ticking bomb.

Don't let this thing hit the market, mr. Ford -- please.

[ Computer beeps ]

Trent hazlit -- c.e.o. Of global toy giant poggio toys.

Now, the days of the colorful family toy exec are long gone.

Nowadays, companies bring in these wall street wolverines

Who couldn't care less about kids or toys.

All they care about is branding and stock growth.

Well, where'd hazlit come from?

-One guess. -Santa's workshop.

-No. [ Chuckles ] -doughnuts.

No. And that's two guesses. Stop playing.

He comes from defense contracting.

20 Years ago, he was selling rpgs and anti-aircraft weaponry

To both latin-american dictators

And the rebel groups that opposed them.

-I hate arms dealers. -Yeah.

Now, nine years ago, he takes over poggio toys,

Moves the manufacturing overseas,

He lowered safety standards,

And he buried class-action suits.

Okay, uh, what's security like?

He's using the same m.o. As he did when he sold weapons.

He's using double-walled rooms.

He's locking away toy designs at the end of every shift.

He's changing codes daily.

Uh, safety report?

It's digital. It's kept in a special server,

Which is locked in a special safe,

Which is held in a special server room.

-Parker? -A boylan-kim 53-11.

Just have to drill it -- no problem.

Okay, so, we'll steal the safety report,

Release it to the public,

Then hazlit is gonna have to spike

The chubby snubby dog launch.

Let's do it.

[ Sighs ]

I-i'm saying that we --

Uh, I think we went overboard on christmas gifts last year.

[ Sighs ]

Nate, I love my ecosse motorcycle

From last christmas -- compliments of my santa-baby.

[ Drill whirring ]

You spent $100,000 on a motorcycle?

Don't hate the gift. Hate the elf.

I do hate the elf.

[ Whirring continues, stops ]

So, are you saying

[Exhales sharply] no christmas presents at all?

Not even something small?

No gifts.

But [scoffs]

How are we supposed to do christmas without any presents?

Let's just put a limit on spending.

Say...$1,000 A--

[ Clears throat ]

-$100 A-- -[ clears throat ]

-50 Bucks a person. -Mm.

Fine, whatever.

[ Dial clicking ]

[ Door opens ]

I'm in.

[ Beeping ]

[ Cellphone beeping ]

Okay. Downloading now.

And...i got it.

Three minutes to seal up, and he'll never know we were here.

Yeah, he doctored the data.

And the american safety association of pediatricians

Is giving it five stars!

Yeah, I thought that was weird.

Yeah, they're a bunch of retired doctors

Based out of guam with no standing in the business.

I'm sure they're on hazlit's payroll.

Shouldn't somebody be regulating this stuff?

Want to know who regulates toy safety in this country?

The toy companies.

What about government?

Consumer product safety commission. They try.

They're a solid government agency,

But safety studies are voluntary,

So certain companies just won't take that risk

Because if a toy is found hazardous,

They have to make it public.

Yeah, unless you buy some doctors in guam.

I appreciate you trying.

Wait, wait, wait.

Mr. Marris, listen -- this isn't over.

It isn't.

Now, we are not gonna let that toy get released.

I don't think you know who you're up against.

Trent hazlit is a corporate hitman --

He's capable of anything.

You realize that without that safety study, we got nothing.

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

So, why'd you promise him that?

Because we are not gonna let that toy get released.

We're gonna steal christmas.

No, the trojan horse won't work.

We'd have to sell hazlit a toy company

So filled with financial liability

That it bankrupts him before the launch of chubby snubby.

Exactly. We just bait him with a new hit toy.

But the launch is in three days.

We don't have time to create a whole new toy.

Ah, that's why hardison is finding us some failed toys

That already exist.

Yeah, this is second run of fun.

It's a third-party toy distributor

That sells failed toys to bolivia and the sudan in bulk.

They also sell those super bowl "loser" t-shirts.

Now, check this out -- they got tsa security screener,

Whirlie-glee-glee, homeless mother and daughter doll set.

These are toys.

And this is my favorite -- sir boat-a-lot.

You pull his arm, and he gives you a sailing tip.

Go back, uh, to the turny thing. Just --

-The whirlie-glee-glee? -Yeah.

This thing was supposed to do figure eights.

It barely did a figure one.

Sold 1,100 units.

I actually think I had one as a kid.

Well, it's bland enough to slip through the cracks

But quirky enough to seem novel.

So, we just have to get the kids to go crazy

For a toy that was once considered junk.

Mm. Well, a toy craze is like a con --

You just got to convince someone they want something

That they didn't know they wanted.

In this case, it's preschoolers.

So, when is this thing shipped to africa?

In 39 hours.

Okay, well, we got to get our hands on the, uh -- the, uh --

Whirlie-glee-glee?

Whirlie-glee-glee before it's gone-gone.

Right.

[ Click ]

Hmm.

Who in the hell would give this thing to a child?

It's not a thing.

It is a doll, and kids love dolls.

It ain't no doll. That's some old, voodoo witchcraft,

And I don't want it up in lucille.

You know what? What if I said that about the flashy kicks

You've been giving me lately?

Hey, they are awesome. They make you shiny and fast.

Okay, this thing, no kid should ever be subjected to -- ever.

[ Sighs ]

[ Camera shutter clicks, cellphone beeps ]

-Nate, you see this? -Oh.

Guys, it doesn't matter what toy parker picks.

Anything can be sold.

Eliot's right. It's just a mass-marketing con game,

And it's about creating wildfire buzz

Like the modern-art world or the movie business.

Any crappy product --

Wha-- baby joy rage is not crappy.

-It's crappy. -Any misunderstood product

Can make billions as long as it has the right buzz.

We just got to get that thing on hazlit's radar.

J.i.c. Says the kids will clock the mutt in at 88.6% satisfied.

-[ Chuckles ] -the what, sir?

The j.i.c. -- Jubilation index calculator.

New app I developed.

Just take a pic of the item.

Boom -- the thing registers the toy's gross market

And franchise potential

Vis-à-vis the kid's hand size, age, and ethnicity.

88.6 is 4 points higher than trampy...what's-her-face?

-Damsel judy. -[ Sighs ]

Still don't know how dads let their girls near that thing.

But, hey, the little tramp

Earned us $24 million last year, right?

Hazlit has a vise-grip on retail giant joylandia's

Premium shelf space.

Companies fight to the death each year

For the best shelf space in stores.

And that kind of contract gets re-upped here at this expo.

All right, sophie, you're the new competition.

Get that contract.

End caps, action alleys, interactive kiosks --

I want it all because this toy is gonna be massive.

[ Chuckles ]

You don't know how many reps tell me that, miss...ronder.

Well, unlike them, I'm not guessing.

I never guess. I have a 95% sell-through rate.

Listen -- I'm telling you, this toy is a hit.

I'm staying at the lamy.

-Oh! -Oh, pardon me.

Excuse me. [ Laughs ]

Hey. Trent. How the hell are you?

Good, gil. Who was that?

Oh, mimi ronder.

New toy rep with a ton of charm --

And a great pair of legs.

She's bidding on joylandia's premium shelf space?

[ Laughs ]

You don't have a thing to worry about, trent, old boy.

You always come up with the highest bid.

You know hazlit's just gonna outbid us

-For that shelf-space package. -Ah, that's fine.

That bid was just to get on his radar.

Now comes the hard part --

Getting the kids of america to love a toy they never wanted.

Ah, we just got to find the right place

To start a viral toy craze.

Now, I ran algorithms on all the portland zip codes

To find the most likely nexus for a social-buzz epidemic.

These hub agents are the most influential family areas.

Families who start fads. Good.

Right. Now, they're all connected to different groups,

But they have one thing in common.

[ Computer beeps ]

Ah, a weekly farmer's market.

So, I figure we go set up a booth,

-Start a grassroots-type craze. -Perfect.

I get a vendor's license to sell the toy.

-We can -- -ehh, I don't think so.

So...no to the farmer's market?

Yes to the farmer's market. No to selling the toy there.

-We're not? -No, we're gonna do something

Much more effective than selling.

These look great.

That's fine.

Look, it's happy.

Aw, it's not so happy, but then it's happy again.

It changes moods. It's pretty cool, right?

No?

Hey! Here, take it -- it's free.

Thank you.

Tell your friends!

Free toys! Yeah!

[ Children cheering ]

Hey, hey.

[ Chuckling ] there you are. All right. Huh?

There you go, buddy. Good?

Nate, it seems to be working.

The drug-dealer approach -- you for real?

First taste is free.

Word spreads, keeps them coming back for more.

Now, we got to get that toy in the hands of a tastemaker.

You know, the people that tell other people what to buy.

And you know who the most influential tastemakers are?

Celebrities.

[ Laughs ] I got one.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

This is pre-teen sandy matteo.

She's from that show "sandy's school times."

She's got a major fan base -- major.

An endorsement from this girl's gonna give us a tsunami of hype.

What? No! There is no way.

It is three points on the gross, or --

Okay, or I fire your ass --

The harold shuckersan agency shrivels up and dies!

[ Purse thuds ]

[ Sighs ] [ cellphone beeps ]

[ Sighs ] where the hell are my clothes?!

It's impossible to find anything in these giant totes, isn't it?

You know, I almost lost my shih tzu in mine.

[ Laughs ]

No. No, no. That's disgusting.

What's yours, hmm? A gucci?

It's an original erin walter -- not on the market yet.

Ohh.

You're sandy matteo, right?

You're marvelous, darling!

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Sandy matteo now loves and endorses baby joy rage.

You know what, man?

I could actually make a second career as a paparazzo.

All right, great. Let's get that endorsement out there.

Got you. I am currently embedding matteo's photos

On 23 different sites --

Teen blog pages, game portals, toy blogs -- you name it.

I even got celebrities tweeting about it.

Man, if there is a kid who does not know

What this toy is by next week,

They're probably being homeschooled somewhere

Under a rock.

Okay, next step is scarcity.

All right, we got to make it feel like

Every mom and dad in the country

Can't get their hands on this toy.

Got it.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

I was just wondering if you might, by any chance,

Have one of those baby joy rage -- no, "joy rage."

It's a doll.

Okay. Well, yeah, I --

[ Telephone clicks, dial tone ]

Zachary. I need more conviction.

What's the most important thing

For an actor to remember in character?

-Your lines. -No -- desire.

What do you want, zachary?

What does the character want?

The toy.

Why do you want it, zachary?

-To make my child happy? -No.

You want that toy so that your child

Will sit still for a couple of seconds

And give you some peace and quiet

So you can finally open that delicious bottle of merlot

That you've been dreaming about since 10:00 a.m. This morning.

[ Sighing ] god.

You get me.

-When I win my first oscar... -Mm.

...i'm gonna name it after you, ms. Devereaux.

I'm gonna thank everyone, and then I'm gonna say,

-"This is not an oscar..." -Mnh-mnh.

-"...it's a devereaux." -Okay, zachary.

Right.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Telephone beeps ]

Hello. Yes.

I need this baby joy rage doll.

"Baby joy rage."

Yeah, my kid has been going crazy for this thing.

All of his friends have one,

And my wife has made me drive to the store three times

Just to see if it's in yet.

Pantani!

You wanted to see me, sir?

What the hell is this?

Sandy matteo is plugging this doll?

I thought she had an exclusive with us --

-On the mini-skirt dancer hoop. -Well, I'll look into it.

And customer relations is saying we're getting calls

Asking if we own the doll,

Wanting to know when it's gonna be released.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, well, look at this.

That toy rep I saw.

Oh, oh, she is a naughty, naughty girl.

Okay, I want a sit-down with gil barton at joylandia

A.s.a.-Freaking-p.

And I want the media saturation numbers

On this demon doll before the end of business today.

Come on! Chop-chop! Let's move!

Baby joy rage's media saturation number's hovering around 62%.

It's not enough.

We need it to be at least 89%.

Santa's little helper here is right -- the doll's a bust.

Whirlie stupid thing would have done worse.

And you're an expert on this because?

-Guys. -Because I was there.

-It spoke to me. -It spo to you?

Yes, it reminded me of a toy

My social worker used to make me do exercises with.

Are you kidding me with that?

Oh, like you always do what you're supposed to?

-This is stupid. -Guys, just settle down.

Wait a minute. Exercises -- what kind of exercises?

Identifying emotions or something like that.

And what do you feel here?

Anger.

And this girl with an ice-cream cone?

More anger.

And these happy folks at the beach?

Actually, this one may be...

Definitely anger.

That's it. That's it. It's obvious.

We can't con a 6-year-old.

You know who we can con?

Their parents.

Okay, so, hardison, you get on that lecture thing.

Eliot, you get on the mommies.

And he doesn't mean that literally.

-That joke is never funny. -It's always funny.

No. It's not, hardison. Comedy's about timing, and you don't have it!

Do we really think parents are gonna bite on this?

Uh, yeah. What do you think parents are most afraid of?

-Clowns. -No.

-Evil clowns? -No, parker.

Crazy clowns called geegee who whisper your name from under your bed?

No. No, parents are most afraid that their kids

Aren't gonna be successful -- that they're somehow

Not gonna be able to compete with other kids.

They're gonna be left behind --

That's what they're most afraid of.

So, we pitch the doll as a developmental tool,

And the child uses it to access their emotions

And become more socially aware.

Absolutely. This is gonna work. And if they don't buy it,

They run the risk of the kid being a misfit

And living in the basement until he's 40.

We need a name for the new toy -- and a good name. Uhh...

Not crazy geegee.

Uh, no. Umm...

Baby feels-a-lot.

Wait -- wait, what? What?

"Baby feels-a-lot."

I feel a lot. You feel a lot. We all feel a lot.

And it's okay to feel a lot,

As long as you use your words, right?

Sophie devereaux.

Isn't this... I don't know, wrong --

Messing with christmas presents, playing with parents' fears?

I mean, don't you feel just a little bit guilty

Given the holiday?

Mm, no.

-I do. -Why?

Because.

Parker, why is that people give each other christmas presents?

To be nice.

No, because they're being programmed

By these giant corporations that do all this research

To figure out how to push these psychological buttons in people

To make them get these presents, right?

Make no mistake, what we're doing

Is we're manipulating fears and making these toys,

All of it.

This -- this...is christmas.

Yeah.

Let's get to work.

Children are unable to communicate

The way they once did.

We have taken away their need for cognitive thought process,

Their yearning for communiqué, if you will.

But I'm here to tell you that that is all about to change

Because we are bringing you a new toy to the marketplace.

Please allow me to present baby feels-a-lot.

Now children will be able to once again communicate

On a humane level.

They will be able to learn how to be emotionally articulate.

Are they happy?

Are they sad? Are they mad?

It is because we, as adults,

Know that fun is the work of childhood,

And toys are the tools that we use to accomplish that work.

Thank you.

All right, cut.

Dude, how do you come up with this crap?

I studied early-childhood development.

Look, man, video's done.

I make it seem like I'm talking to hundreds,

Upload it to the blogger-mom sites, we're good to go.

-Dude, the blogger moms? -Yes, blogger moms.

They talk about parenthood, schools, life at home.

Look, you get one of these sites to endorse you,

Your toy's gonna go viral -- trust me.

[ Computer beeps ]

-That's a blogger mom? -Uh, chardonnay mom?

Yeah, that's allie stanbrook, man.

She runs one of the top blogger sites in the nation.

She's local, too -- pdx, baby.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

All right, look, listen to me,

If I'm gonna do this, all right, I want to --

I want to be tough dad.

You know what I mean? Cool dad.

Just enough to turn her head.

Don't go overboard on this. Keep it simple.

You know, someone who's -- who's not afraid to make a pb&j,

Okay, but still wants to go out in the yard, get dirty,

Kick the soccer ball around a little bit --

Strict...but fair.

After my wife passed, it was, uh...

It was very tough for me and my son...dashiel...to communicate.

But...that's when baby feels-a-lot came into our lives.

And, you know, listen, don't get me wrong.

I'm one of those dads --

I had a problem with my son playing with a doll.

-[ Chuckling ] -yeah.

But...i'll tell you something -- it worked.

We were talking again.

Aww.

You know, we were father and son.

And I felt the duty -- I had to get this out there.

I had to let the other dads know what this product did for us.

So, I started a blog. [ Laughs ]

Oh, my god.

Well, I know what it's like to be left alone. [ Chuckles ]

I mean, after my divorce, I was utterly gutted,

Went through all the stages of grief.

It's what led me to start blogging.

Hang in there, okay?

I will.

Honestly, I think with you here, allie,

I might just be able to hang on forever.

-Aww! -Aww!

-Oh, carl. -Oh.

Oh.

Well, not only do you have my support,

But you have the support of every blogger mom in the state.

Oh, thank you. [ Laughs ]

Ladies?

I don't know who you are, lady,

But your latest move with that doll,

Playing the smart-baby card?

Nicely done...

If this was 2004.

Smart babies are so eight years ago.

Well-adjusted children are so today.

In dallas last week, firemen used a baby feels-a-lot

To coax a runaway child down from a radio tower.

Do your toys save lives, mr. Hazlit?

-Well, that is one smart baby. -Hey, trent.

-Let's talk shelves. -Let's.

Oh, mr. Barton. I'm so sorry.

I just have a few minutes before my 3:15 at mattel.

So, if you could possibly --

[ Chuckling ] well...i don't suppose old trent would mind,

Would you, son?

I mean, ladies first.

Ladies -- of course.

Okay, I've written three months' worth of blogs

For our sensitive dad over here.

I got prices for the braces, dashiel's chess club --

You put in there that we went to the super bowl?

Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, you even met some of the players.

Now, what I was thinking -- tell me what you feel.

You guys go on, like, a road trip cross-country,

You do a tour, something like that.

Yeah, yeah. I like that. I like that.

Or -- and I'm just gonna put this out there --

What if I took him on a tour

Of all the ballparks in america, hardison, huh?

Or maybe took him to the opera or the moon, huh?

A little sarcasm? A little sarcasm?

You know, believable father-and-son stuff!

Will you guys -- a little focus, please.

Look at the picture he used, man!

Hey! Hey! Excuse me, man.

I'm sorry if this kind of writing opens me up creatively.

I'm usually stuck looking at binary codes all day.

Maybe I was writing the father that I wanted one day, okay?

M-- what's the problem with getting emotionally butt naked?

-Whoa. -Oh, please, don't.

I'm just trying to share my feelings on paper.

We don't want to see that. No, please. Please, don't.

Now, listen, hardison,

I'm very happy with your creativity and everything,

But what I want to know is, what do you have

On the blogger moms about eliot?

Oh, what did the mamas say?

Oh, what are they saying about the sensitive dad?

[ Keyboard clacking ]

I got something for you. I got something for your ass.

Boom. Chardonnay mama. She cute, though.

-Ain't she fine? -She is.

Look what she says.

[ High-pitched ] "oh, this week, I was introduced

"To an amazing new toy called baby feels-a-lot,

"Thanks to a gentleman who couldn't be a more kind,

More handsome, or more sensitive single dad."

You don't deserve none of that.

Now, how are we doing with the toy's popularity?

Saturation indexes are ticking up 'cause I did my job.

[ Computer beeps ] all right.

Sophie, what's hazlit up to?

[ Both laugh ]

Well, if you're really serious,

I mean, our next retreat's gonna be in tahoe.

Oh, tahoe -- count me in.

[ Chuckles ] don't tease me, gil.

I am so flattered that you asked me.

-Excuse me, sir? -[ Chuckles ]

Oh, excuse me, mimi.

If I had a nickel for every deal memo I had to sign.

Oh, no problem, gil.

It's been such a pleasure talking to you.

Next year, you and me -- kite surfing, tahoe.

[ Both laugh ]

-Tahoe? Great. -[ Sighs ]

What the hell's going on here?

What are you talking about?

It's all over the expo. Little miss high heels there

Is bidding on the premium shelf space --

Days before my chubby snubby launch.

I don't think I like your tone, trent.

I'll call you later.

You have my number.

I got yours.

-Hi. -Merry christmas!

Merry -- ohh, you're grumpy. [ Chuckles ]

Merry christmas!

A little worried, mr. Hazlit?

[ Chuckles ] 1989.

"1989"?

25 Macheted contras wanting to gut me navel-to-chin

In the honduran rain forest -- then, I was worried.

This? This is nothing.

But I earned the contras' respect,

And they taught me one thing.

I'm all ears.

"Plata o plomo."

"Silver or lead."

Exactly.

Take a bribe, the silver, or you get a bullet, the lead.

Those are gonna be barton's options in the next few minutes.

Behind door number one -- $80,000 in cash.

Take a peek inside for the lead.

Pictures of barton's last trip to cabo --

Pictures the missus doesn't want to see.

Which do you think he's gonna choose?

You play dirty, hazlit.

Well, you have no idea.

And without joylandia, your baby feel-me-up

With all her little feelings

That make the kiddies so emotionally articulate --

You know what happens to it?

Poof. Bye-bye.

Hazlit is blackmailing barton to try and nix my shelf space.

And he thinks it's turning me on.

[ Gags ] the guy is a menace.

He's a menace. So, we become more of a menace.

Hardison, how are we on sales?

Umm... [ Keyboard clacks ]

Well, the blogs in sophie's theater group pimp the demand,

But the parents are buying 52% of their holiday gifts

On the internet.

Okay, so, we have to up baby feels-a-lot's online appeal.

-Yeah, presales. -Yes.

And then when the sales go through the roof,

Hazlit is gonna want to buy in.

So, we set up a meeting with him and the owner of...

Lucky beans toys.

Yes, me.

-All right. -What?

Nothing.

Okay?

Well, it's just... I was talking to parker,

And, I mean, we're a little down about christmas.

We think...we're...

Kind of ruining the holiday or something.

Hardison, christmas was pre-ruined.

You know how it began?

[ Gasps ] no. Shh.

Yeah, it was a fat guy in a chimney.

Christmas began as a pagan, pre-roman feast

Involving the sacrifice of children.

Ho-ho-ho.

Is he serious?

I mean, dang, I feel like I just got sucker-punched

By an elf-hating, scrooge-loving,

No-gift-giving anti-claus.

I mean, am I bleeding?

Little bit.

Sir, this baby feels-a-lot craze isn't going away.

What do you mean? We killed it.

Well, the toy's generating so much buzz

That it's already ranked 5th on the npd charts for web presales.

Ahead of chubby snubby?

Two days max before it hits the top spot.

People are pre-ordering it like crazy,

And it hasn't even hit a single store shelf yet.

It's just gone viral, boss.

I want a sit-down with this baby feels-so-hot woman,

And I want it now.

Go.

So, you take away baby feels-a-lot's shelf space

And then take me out for drinks.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Maybe I was wrong...

Underestimating baby feels-a-lot.

Oh?

I'm a sensible businessman.

Let me meet the owner.

You be my back channel.

Maybe you and I can... Do business.

What's in it for me?

You make a move on baby feels-a-lot, I'm out of a job.

Quarter-point of the gross on the deal --

Compensates you well.

Enticing, but...i have to warn you about earl greipal,

The owner of lucky beans.

He's -- well, let's say he's somewhat eccentric,

And he's very hostile to selling his company.

Most of these indie toy guys are frigging nuts --

That is, until they see the number of zeroes

I put on a check.

Half a point of the gross, $21k as a finder's fee,

And a v.p. Position at poggio toys -- that's what I want.

God, you're good.

Deal.

By the way, you available?

No, I'm married.

You see, I didn't ask you that.

Let's stick to business for now, trent.

"For now."

[ Chuckles ]

Hazlit's on the hook for baby feels-a-lot.

Damn, girl, you were right all along.

That toy does have legs.

[ Laughs ] and you doubted me just like the rest of them.

Me? No.

I would -- I wouldn't do that.

[ Cellphone speed-dials ]

Mm-hmm. Yep. [ Clears throat ]

Hello. Lucky bean toys?

This is charlotte gerrard, fire chief.

Our machines detected a severe gas leak

In one of your company buildings.

Yes, that's the one -- the one you have.

That company building.

Yes.

Yes, you need to evacuate everyone immediately.

I said "everyone"!

[ Cellphone beeps ]

-Think that'll do it? -Yeah, it should.

Yeah. I think I scared her a little bit. Did you jump?

-You scared me. -Jumpy.

Well, while I'm baffled --

Delighted by the sudden interest in my toy,

Money is not why I designed baby feels-a-lot.

No.

I did it for my son, nestor, yes...

Who is now in federal prison.

Oh?

Yes, it was a nasty episode

Involving horses and men from tacoma.

Doctors attribute it to nestor's difficulty growing up,

Having emotions, frustration, anger issues.

-I see. -Mr. Greipal has often said

That he wished that there had been a toy like baby feels-a-lot

During nestor's developmental years.

I wish there had been a toy like baby feels-a-lot

During nestor's developmental years.

Ah, different times.

So, mr. Hazlit, you know, experts --

They can look at data or color schematics

About what children supposedly like or don't like.

But really what they should do is they should...

They should look inside at the child inside themselves.

That's what we intend to do with baby feels-a-lot, mr. Greipal.

We have an excellent track record --

Yes, okay, but the child within me

Is saying that what you intend to do

Is ship nestor's toy off to china

And turn it into some sort of emotional abomination.

You haven't heard my offer.

Well, I'm afraid that no matter how generous your offer is...

...the answer is no.

Okay. Fine.

[ Sighs ]

You ask me, geppetto in there

Wants to navel-gaze for the next 10 years,

Not sell his company.

Look, you make a very fast, very large offer

Before this craze goes nuts, and I promise you he'll bite.

He's odd, yes, but he's not stupid.

I know that you corporate guys like to move slowly, you know,

While lawyers poke around for months,

But if greipal gets hinky, this thing is all over.

Give me the sample of the toy.

I want to run a safety study.

Well, don't we just fudge the safety numbers down the road

If we have to?

Ohh, we could be so great together.

I'll overnight an expedited study -- my company's license.

Whatever the results, call me tomorrow with greipal's price.

[ Sighs ]

I'll be as gentle as if I was holding your --

Don't...say it.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I need this expedited a.s.a.p.

Tell wiggins it's for trent hazlit,

And I want the 12-hour turnaround for poggio.

Manufacturing license and medallion?

It's all...right in there.

Hazlit?

-Mm? -Good news.

I have a figure for you.

He was a bit hesitant at first, but I --

Let me stop you. I have no interest

In buying the doll or mr. Greipal's company.

-Why not? -Only reason I did

The safety study was to get the toy's specs.

What for?

To release a knock-off that'll undercut

The baby feels-a-lot's price point by 40%.

In fact, I plan to mention baby happy mad -- nice, huh? --

This afternoon at my press conference

For chubby snubby dog.

So, thanks for the free buzz.

Your knock-off will never replace

The real baby feels-a-lot.

Listen, darling...

I got three floors of highly paid fungineers

Who are already amping up the happiness factor on that doll

Like you would not believe.

Mr. Greipal might make toys with love on the inside,

But mine are made with petroleum-based plastics

And the blood, sweat, and tears of third-world 11-year-olds.

You can't beat it.

So, come on, help me celebrate.

You are a --

The male version of you.

Come on.

Who doesn't dream of dating themselves, right?

[ Sighs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

"Chubby snubby is the future of our company."

"Chubby snubby is the future of our company."

Can you feel the energy out there, sir?

This is gonna be big. "The energy out there."

It's not about the energy out there.

It's about the energy in here.

-This is about trent hazlit. -Oh, right, right.

So, go out there and give them a big, old bag of trent.

[ Chuckles ]

Shut up. [ Clears throat ]

There he is. Mr. Hazlit! Mr. Hazlit!

I'll take questions after the launch celebration.

So, you're treating this chubby snubby toy dog

Recall as a celebration?

Recall? What are you talking about?

Well, surely there will be a recall after the government

Released the failed safety study this morning.

Government? [ Feedback squeals ]

I never submitted any study to the government.

I need this expedited a.s.a.p.

Tell wiggins it's for trent hazlit,

And I want the 12-hour turnaround for poggio.

Manufacturing license and medallion?

It's all...right in there.

Want to know who regulates toy safety in this country?

-The toy companies. -What about government?

Consumer product safety commission. They try.

They're a solid government agency,

But safety studies are voluntary,

So certain companies just won't take that risk

Because if a toy is found hazardous,

They have to make it public.

-Can I help you? -Hi.

I need an expedited, overnight

Government safety inspection of this.

Mm-hmm.

Relevant forms, my signature.

And make sure to run it through your strictest,

Most rigorous tests.

Okay.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Everything okay, carl?

Your call sounded like something was wrong.

No, actually, a fan of mine sent me this safety study,

And I find it very alarming.

I think that we should get this out there,

And we should let the parents know about it.

Is there any way that you could, uh, maybe help me with that?

-Oh, my god. -Yeah.

Okay. We are so all over this.

-Okay. Thank you so much. -Mm.

What the hell's going on here?

Do you care to comment on the recall, sir?

No, I don't care to comment.

I have no idea what happened here.

[ Clears throat ]

I am gonna sue your ass, hazlit!

Who did this to me?

I can't believe you did it.

I wish there were more people like you out there.

-You did it, mr. Marris. -Yeah.

Without you, hazlit would still be around.

I was just doing my job.

Well, speaking of jobs,

The chief examiner's looking for a new analyst.

Chief examiner?

For the consumer product safety commission.

When he found out that he could hire the guy

That took down hazlit, he jumped at it.

I-i don't know what to say. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ] I can't thank you enough.

W-- merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

Promise me those things will never hit store shelves.

Nah, I'm keeping them all to myself.

I've got them lined up in my warehouse

Like an army of joy and rage.

You don't ever want to be in that warehouse alone.

[ Chuckles ] ever.

I think it's really sad that we're so cynical about gifts.

I used to [sighs] I loved christmas as a child.

Yeah, well, nothing's genuine anymore.

That's not true. No. I've been thinking about this.

And you know what is genuine? Trust.

-Trust? -Yes, trust.

[ Chuckles ]

I think -- no, seriously.

I think we should give each other some trust for christmas.

What, like that willow exercise

Where you fall back and someone catches you?

No, not like that.

Good, because I did that once, and I dropped the person,

And they had to get stitches.

Still hurts.

I know.

I just think that, well,

We've been through so much together, all of us,

And we should give each other something really personal this year,

Like, um, I don't know, a story or a secret.

-No, come on. -[ Clears throat ]

Bear with me, please. Please.

Who's gonna go first?

Eliot.

All right.

When I was a kid...

I wanted a trumpet one christmas.

[ Sighs ]

My father played sinatra all the time,

And sinatra had this trumpet player named "sweets" edison --

Harry "sweets" edison. Great sound -- amazing.

I wanted to sound just like him, you know?

Christmas rolled around, and, uh, there was no trumpet --

Just a pack of, uh, baseball cards.

Well, my father said that santa

Must have had a rough year at the track.

So, there's...

Anyway, a couple of days later,

I wake up in my bed, and at the foot of the bed is --

Is a trumpet.

I mean, it's all tarnished and dinged up --

My dad probably rolled somebody for it, but there it is.

And i, uh, I played that trumpet every day for 10 years.

You know, I never --

I never, uh, ended up sounding like "sweets" edison,

But...

So, I gave it to, um,

I gave it to sam...

On his 8th birthday.

And that was, um...

His, um, first trumpet lesson was scheduled for the day,

As it turns out, that he went into the hospital.

And I -- so, he...

I don't have anything left...

From my childhood, but I did keep the trumpet.

I keep it on the boat.

Okay, who's next?

[ Slurps ]

[ Clears throat ]