Original subtitles

In the land of Sparta

when babies were born

the elders would inspect them for defects.

BABY Ah. Are you my mama?

'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat.

If any imperfections were found

the baby was rejected.

And if the baby

was Vietnamese

Brangelina had first dibs.

Cute, huh?

Behold Leonidas

Ah-ooh!

the perfect Spartan.

From an early age

Leonidas was taught to fight.

Come on, you little shit! Come on!

You can't beat me.

You're never gonna be a Spartan, never.

Take this, Granny!

Aah!

He was tortured, taught to show no pain.

Tell me, Mr. Bond

what is the account number?

Who the hell is Mr. Bond?

I'm Leonidas.

You're testing my patience, Double-Oh.

But I am not Double-

Oh!

Oh!

Little Miss Sunshine!

Oh, oh-

Here's a nice one. Oh-

That's right. Yeah.

No, no, no.

Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable.

Good boy.

Good boy. Who's a good boy?

Leonidas was sent into the wild

to learn how to survive.

He braved the elements

endured starvation.

No mayo?

This is bullshit!

The beast stalks Leonidas

red eyes glowing like the fires ofhell.

Man, you've got happy feet.

What you laughin' at, asswipe?

I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass

cracker. Nice penguin.

Where you going, pussy?

I'm 'bout to make you my bitch, Leonidas.

Lick my snowballs.

Now eat my penguin asshole.

That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.

Oh, it smells!

Ha! Caught you with your mouth open.

You dead, Leonidas.

Say Wassup? To Anna Nicole for me.

Shit! I'm stuck!

Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!

Help! Help!

Oh! My ass!

My ass hurt! Oh!

Why you wanna do me like that?

Come on, man, I could hook you up.

We could work it out.

I'll suck your dick!

And the boy that was cast into the wild

returned a king!

Oh!

Yeah, yeah

Ak' sizzle

The bomb Get down

Baby, down, I know you love the sound

When we do what we do

We get you in the mood Ak'Sent's in the building

Pick it up, pick it up Yeah

I know you love the feel Come on

Let's keep it on the real

This is like the bomb

So fresh Whoa!

The bomb, so dope

The bomb, so def

The bomb Boobs.

So cool, the bomb, so fresh

The bomb, so dope

The bomb

Sign my rack?

So cool

And they're real, too.

Yes!

Marry me?

What's that?

The combination to my chastity belt.

Oh-

Leonidas!

Leonidas was stoked.

He wed Margo, and she bore him a fine son.

And life in the land of Sparta was good.

Yes! Yes! Good!

Thanks, Dad.

Give me your hand.

Remember, Son: A warrior

must learn to take a hit.

Fight with your head;

think with your heart.

Huh?

Give him the pile driver, honey.

Pile driver?

That's my boy.

My queen.

No!

Captain. No!

I see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta

to be a man.

I remember when my father used to beat me.

Traditional rites of passage.

No. My father was an alcoholic.

Ow!

Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king.

Greetings, Leonidas.

Greetings, messenger.

What the hell was that?

What?

You just kissed me!

That is how men of Sparta greet one another.

High fives for the women

and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men.

Ooh.

I get it.

Get what?

Uh y-you have a

free society here.

Yes. The freest.

Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I dig big black dudes.

Yeah.

Come, messenger, let us walk.

The great Xerxes has taken over the world

with his vast Persian army

and has set his sights on his final conquest-

Sparta.

Let us talk by the giant pit of death.

Okay.

Xerxes is a kind god-king

and offers these

peaceful alternatives to war.

No blood will be shed

as long as you Spartan men build his pyramids

your women become his sex slaves

and your children

work at sweatshops

making Nikes.

That sounds reasonable.

I'm sure you would

think so, Councilman Traitoro.

Tell Xerxes

to take his proposal

and shove it!

What the hell?!

What? He came on to me!

I did not.

Dawg, your wife's a ho.

This means war!

Hey, hey, hey, it's cool, it's cool.

Uh, we got San Francisco

and West Hollywood.

We don't need Sparta.

I'll just tell Xerxes it's a no go.

Kick his ass in.

This is madness!

Madness?

This is Sparta!

Why did you do that?

He was backing down.

My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta

is not for them, so, whatever you do

don't kick him into the pit of death.

Stop kicking people into the pit of death. Really!

Oh, no

Oh, yeah

Uh-huh, yeah.

I don't know why y'all

have to always get on my back for everything.

I'm a responsible adult.

Look at me- I'm booby-feeding my baby.

Sometimes I like to give him fried milk.

I call 'em milk poppers.

It's just like breast milk, but it's fried.

And you just pop 'em in your mouth.

He loves 'em. Don't you, baby!

Goo-goo, gah-gah

Gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah.

I'm a smart shopper.

I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexico woman.

Bargain

Shopping

Yeah.

Why do y'all think I'm messed up?

Shit! Do I look crazy to you?

Oh

my God!

Aw, damn, cuz!

There goes my palimony!

KFed ain't havin' it, yo.

KFed, come back to me, please!

Please? I'll let you under my skirt.

There goes K-Fed's cheddar, yo.

Oh, yeah!

Ah-ah-ah, yeah!

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I'm not gay!

Leonidas.

Ryan Seacrest?

How did you feel about that kick?

Let's see what the judges have to say.

Randy? Yo, Leo, dawg, man

I, I wasn't really feelin' you on that kick, dawg.

I don't know what happened, man.

It was just all right for me, dawg.

I mean, just all right, dawg. Paula?

Leonidas

you

move me.

Y-

I don't-

Simon?

Leonidas

I thought the kick

was utterly dreadful.

Oh Simon-

In fact, I've seen better kicks

from a geriatric donkey.

Oh-

And I'm not talking about you, Paula.

I am sorry, King

but your journey ends here.

Oh, go yourselves!

What are y?

Seacrest out!

Excellent work, my king.

It's time to consult with the prophets.

The ancient prophets were advisers to the king.

Grotesque swine, their consult came with a bribe.

Oh. Oh, Oxy 10.

Oh, Neutrogena.

This has an SPF.

Th-This is all-day protection.

Look at this.

Exfoliator with alpha hydroxy.

This is good for you, Glenn.

Rub it all over your disgusting face.

What need you, King Leonidas?

Ancient prophets

I need your guidance.

I'm assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia.

I'm going to take them in the rear.

Here, here.

And then I'm gonna reach around

and I'm gonna take them again from the front!

What?!

Why are you sniggering?!

Nothing.

It'sno-nothing-

What's so damn funny?!

Look, it's all there for you to see!

These are battle formations!

Battle form-

That's what he calls them!

It looks like backstage at an Elton John concert!

Cut it out! This isn't funny!

This is serious business!

No Spartan goes to war

without first consulting

the oracle!

The prophets chose only the most beautiful

of Spartan girls to be their oracle.

Oh-

Ugly Betty?

She has a great personality.

Eww!

I look likeJabba the Hutt.

That is hot to me.

Oh-

See-nah skah-nah

labwana no-cho dame.

Fo' shizel my nizzel.

Save the cheerleader save the world.

Actually, I'm, I'm not into Heroes.

Douche bag says what?

What?

Chest waxer says what?

What?

He walked into that one.

What, what are you saying to me? I don't understand.

Go to war with Persia and you will surely die.

You're screwed, dude.

What?!

He looks like a Ken doll!

It's cold!

Tommy Lee?

Shaq?

Borat?

Oakland Raiders?

Why is my king so restless?

Can't sleep.

It's this whole Battle ofThermopylae thing.

Are you still thinking about what that young oracle said?

There's only one woman whose words you should listen to.

Oprah.

Your wife?

Right, right.

How will I be tried

in the court of public opinion?

Well, Harry Knowles at Ain't It Cool News

says this movie is just a cheap rip-off of 300.

Even if the oracle doesn't support you, I do.

And Sparta does.

This could be our last night together.

You wanna do it?

Like we've never done it before.

97 98

99

100!

Beat my record.

Captain.

My king.

Have you assembled my army who are ready

to fight to the death for the freedom of Sparta?

Yes, King.

I wanted 300.

This seems like less.

These were the only men who met with your stringent

specifications.

Hunky with deep Mediterranean tans

hot bods

and, uh

Yes?

well endowed.

Haawoo! Haawoo!

Haawoo!

Ready to fight for you, my king!

Never give up! Never surrender!

To infinity and beyond!

He has a lot of heart, my king.

And nice man boobs.

Indeed.

These men will do.

You are a fine captain, Captain.

But a better friend there is none.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Damn!

He's got a huge package.

I brought you some fudge. Mom said that you like to pack it.

She's a good woman.

Good-bye, Father.

Farewell, my son.

Introductions?

King Leonidas, this is my son, Sonio.

My king.

Why is he not fighting?

Well, he is not a warrior.

And he's my only son

destined to carry on my name.

What do you think?

Yummy.

Work it, sister.

I think he's fierce.

Come and give it 2 me

You know you want my body, need my body

Show me them goodies

And if you don't like it

you can kiss my fat ass!

Ooh! Oh!

Watchin' your curves

Thinking of words, baby

My vision is blurred

Congratulations, Sonio.

You're now on your way to becoming Sparta's

Next top warrior!

right where my mind is

Gimme your goody and your body

Uh! Come and give it 2 me

You know you want my body, need my body

Show me them goodies

You're gonna love my body, touch my body

Spartan!

My child

I shall never forget you.

You are so small now

but one day you will grow to be big and strong

like your father.

That's not your son.

You asshole.

Take care of your mother.

Stay tough, Son.

Come back with your shield

or on it.

And if I come back on it, I want you to move on.

I would never.

Hell, if you died, I'd play the field.

To be honest

I've always wanted to do a fat chick.

The men are ready, my king.

Good. We'll head south to the Hot Gates

where we'll intercept the Persian army.

Where are you going?

The oracle said if we went to war, we'd be screwed.

The oracle also said that our painted-on abs look fake.

But I beg to differ.

Give the order, Captain.

Spartans! In formation!

Ah-ooh!

Spartans heading south.

Move out!

Oh, no, not I

I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive

I will survive

Hey, hey

Woo!

I'll survive

I will survive

I will survive!

Yeah

Ooh

The fearless Spartans

reached the Hot Gates

where danger lurked around every corner.

Halt skipping!

Exhausted from thejourney

the Spartans replenished their electrolytes.

Gatorade. Is it in you?

What do you think, my king?

We'll use the narrow passageway of the Hot Gates

to funnel the Persians in

where their vast numbers won't count for shit.

Captain, have the men found any other trails

that the Persians could use to attack us?

None, sir.

WOMAN I know such a road, my king.

Back off, hideous creature.

There's a secret goat path just above the Hot Gates.

If the Persians found it, they could outflank you.

Slow your roll, Captain.

Reveal yourself, creature.

Paris Hilton?

Hey, fellas.

What happened to you?

Oh. You mean the hump?

Yeah. The hump.

It was all that, You're going to jail.

Now you can get out of jail.

Now you're going back to jail.

And on and on and on and onUgh.

It's just been really confusing.

I mean, even Tinkerbell's affected by it.

She hasn't moved since Saturday.

But she still poops, which is weird.

And me

they've turned me into this, like

totally grotesque monster!

And I don't even know oh.

Do tha hump-de-hump

Hang on a minute.

Oh-

Hello?

Oh, hey, Nicole.

Nothing. Just some guys with swords.

No, I'm talking about their actual swords, Nicole.

You're gross.

Yeah, I'm hungry. Did you eat?

Oh, you ate an almond?

Oh, yeah, you're done eating for the day.

Okay. And then let's go to Pinkberry.

Bye, sexy.

Look

it's my dream to be a Spartan.

I want to fight for you, my king.

What can you do? WellMmm.

Have you seen my video?

I don't like the way you handle a spear.

You grip the shaft firmly.

Then with one hand on the base

you slide the other all the way up to the tip.

That's hot.

I'm sorry, but we cannot use you.

No!

It's not fair!

Mom!

You'll be sorry! You're making a terrible mistake!

I'm not as stupid as I look!

Help.

Look! Persians!

I am the emissary to the great god-king Xerxes

come to accept your surrender.

Oh, we're not here to surrender.

Haawoo!

Xerxes will enjoy making you his slaves.

Ow.

Spartans!

Yah!

Let's battle!

Oh, we about to stomp the yard.

SPARTANS We are the Spartans.

We stomp the yard.

Check out our buns.

They are rock hard.

Ooh, ooh.

Spartans!

Yeah!

Persians!

Let's show 'em why we're national champs

three years runnin'.

You dig?

Oh, come on.

We like wearing turbans and eating baklava.

We like chicks with burkas

that cover their ta-tas.

Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah!

Persians, huh!

You're joking, right?

Man, come on.

You gotta shake your ass Let's go!

Shake your tambourine

Go and get yourself a whistle, shake your tambourine

Go and get yourself a whistle

Shake your tambourine

Ladies!

Shake your tambourine

Ladies! Shake your tambourine

Shake, shake, shake, shake

Shake your tambourine

Ladies and gentlemen

E-V-E come through in the Mazarat'

Doin' it big like I live in the Taj Mahal

Yeah!

That's real, been the chick that they talked about

God damn is the words that come out they mouth

Oh-

Ask for her

Yeah, she back and cakin' out

Ladies! Shake your tambourine

Oh, please, take a hike.

Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle

Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle

They be watchin' while we wiggle around Look at 'em droolin'

Niggas ain't used to this sound I keep 'em movin'

Put your hands in the air It's all right now

We gonna keep you up on your feet the whole night

Now pop them bottles Yeah, drink that up

Yeah!

Get low, get low, then pick up, pick up, get your

Hands in the air, it's a stick up, stick up

Shake your tambourine

Shake it to the floor, gotta love dat

How she keep it going on, gotta love dat

To the beat like a pro, know you love dat

Oh!

Don't come up in my kitchen

with that weak-ass shit.

You gotta shake your ass

Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle and

Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle and

Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle and

Shake your tambourine

Shake your tambourine, go and get yourself a whistle and

Eee! Ooh!

You got served!

You telling me we lost?

Dance them to the cliffs!

No mercy!

Come on, man, can we talk about this?

Yo, I just met these dudes right here.

I don't even know them.

Onward! Keep dancing, boys!

Last one in is a rotten egg! Cannonball!

Marco!

Polo!

Hyah!

We may have won the battle, but they will win the war!

Hyah! What?

Buttmeister presents

Real Men of Genius.

Real men of genius!

Today we salute you

Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual.

Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual!

Wearing nothing but leather underwear and a cape

you charge your enemy like an oiled-up hairless wonder.

Spray-on tan!

Sure, there's danger-

charging rhinos, stampeding elephants

and that cute toga-wearing guy named Chad.

Ooh!

You only went out on one date

but you'll remember it

Forever, forever

Take your daily Valtrex!

Your keen instincts tell you to cut, slice and chop

every man you see.

But enough about your career as a hair stylist

let's talk war.

Ow! That curling iron is hot!

So this Butt's for you, King Leonidas

because when the going gets tough

the tough go antiquing.

Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual

Yeah.

Queen Margo

we must speak.

Loyalist, what do you want?

Nice tomatoes.

Your husband needs you.

You must convince the council

to send more troops to support your husband.

My husband is dead.

He told me to move on.

Besides, I'm already registered on J Date.

A little to the right.

That's it.

If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over

and you will be stripped of your crown.

I won't be queen?

Ow! That's too hard.

You will lose everything.

Ow! Ooh, stop.

Your palace, your Mercedes

Hi-yah!

Ow! your Nintendo Wii

No, no, no, no, no.

Ow!

your vaginal regeneration surgeon

Hi yah!

your gardener.

Antonio?

My husband needs me.

I'll do whatever it takes.

I will set

the meeting with the council.

But in order to win their vote

you will need to get Traitoro's support.

He holds great influence

with the council.

There better be a happy ending.

King Leonidas!

Xerxes approaches.

Xerxes.

He looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat.

I am the great god-king Xerxes.

Ooh!

Ow, ow, ow!

Not again! That always happens.

Ow!

Whew!

Damn!

Oh, s-sorry, Xerxes. It's cool.

It's cool, cool. I'm fine.

I meant to do that.

Oh, shit!

I'll tell you, kid, you got balls.

I come over here with a big army.

We going to shish kebab your ass.

Before this battle is over

people will know

that even a god-king can fall.

Listen, Leo, I came here to talk.

Just listen to my deal.

Ladies!

Hi, Xerxes.

Ah, that's probably for me.

Hello?

Really?

Okay.

That was the banker.

He's offering

to buy back your briefcase

for a weekend getaway for two

in Las Vegas, Nevada

at the Palms Hotel and Casino!

Ooh

I've always wanted to go there!

All you have to do is bow down to me

and surrender Sparta.

Deal

or no deal?

Deal! - Deal! Take it!

Take the deal!

You think I should? No!

Take the deal! It's simple.

Take the deal! Come on!

What about Sparta?

Hit the button! Come on!

Take the deal! Take it!

Take it! Take the deal!

Hit the button!

Take it!

No deal!

Oh, great!

By the time I'm finished with you

Sparta will be annihilated.

It will be as though you never existed.

I will see to it that you are

written out of the history books.

Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes

because I can't read.

Xerxes didn't take rejection well.

From every corner ofhis empire

he sent his most vicious warriors to fight.

Yo mama's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds

Kool-Aid comes out!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur

was a Jewish holiday!

Get her, Dilio!

Yo mama's so fat, her pants size is, um, um, um

Bitch, lose some weight!

Your mama's so butch

Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even date her.

Uh-uh! No, you didn't! No, you didn't!

Whoa! No, you didn't!

Well, yo mama titties is smaller than yours.

Bounce some D's on that bitch!

Your mama's so fat, Sir Mix-A-lot decided

he doesn't like big butts!

And he ain't lyin'! Kiss that!

Oh! Ow!

Oh, my eyes!

Oh! Oh!

Walk it off.

How you like that, huh? Sit down.

Yo, yo mama's so fat, that when she farts

Al Gore accuses her of global warming, dawg.

Whew!

Cranking it up!

Yes, well, that may be the case, but your mama's so hairy

the only language she speaks

is Wookiee!

Oh!

That's it!

Well, yo mama-

Yo ma-

Yes!

Bye-bye!

Back to the hood!

Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated.

It sent an all-too-human chill up his spine.

Or perhaps that was the Dentyne Ice

with cool mint crystals.

Loyalist said you wanted to see me.

That's my urine sample.

Tastes like asparagus.

Leonidas needs more troops.

Without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and-

I'll do anything

For my husband.

Anything?

Awesome!

I'm so getting laid!

Good-bye, virginity.

I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this.

But I suffer from premature eja-

Oh-

Mmm.

It's okay; I have crabs.

Ooh-

Betray your beloved Spartans-

Nice.

And I will give you anything you desire.

That's hot.

Bow down to me.

Bow down to the great god-king

Xerxes.

I'm a Hilton.

I don't bow.

But I do bend over.

Ah, good.

There's a secret goat path into the Hot Gates.

You could totally use it to defeat Leonidas.

Ah-

And what do you desire?

I want my record expunged.

Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse.

Thank you.

I want throwing up to be fun.

You got something to say, say itI got things to do.

What was it?

I can't remem-

Oh, God, geez, yeah.

I want to get this hump removed.

Mmm!

Will you please just do it? It's really heavy and really hard to keep clean.

Done.

Aah!

As long as Xerxes doesn't find

the secret path to the Hot Gates

their vast numbers won't count for shit.

My king!

Catch your breath.

Vanilla blended.

What is it, boy?

Xerxes has found the secret goat path

through the Hot Gates.

Aw, shit!

Damn that Paris Hilton.

I hate her.

He's deployed thousands of Persian soldiers

that'll be here any minute.

Dilio

how bad are your injuries?

Oh, it's, uhit's just a scratch, my king.

You've got no eyes.

The gods blessed me with a spare.

No, they haven't.

You just had the two.

Jeremy has the spare.

I can still fight!

Whoa! No!

Dilio! Dilio!

DiDilio! Dilio! Dilio.

Walk with me.

No. No. No.

Your fate is the most important.

You must go back to Sparta

and tell of our tale.

Yes, my king.

Any message for the queen?

None that need be said.

Now go, Dilio.

Tell how 13 Spartans fought for honor

for glory for freedom!

Good luck, Dilio.

Spartans!

This is your final chance.

Bow down to me or you will die.

I bow for no man!

Take a knee.

No!

Curtsey. Enough!

Well, your sandal is untied.

Oh thanks very much.

See? Was that that difficult?

No, wait, no! Ah-tah-tah-tah-tah-

No, I wasn't bowing. No, no, no.

I was just doing my shoe!

No, you acknowledged me as your god-king.

High-five!

Ooh.

What?

What-What-What the hell is so funny?

You! Me?

You greet like women.

You idiots are wearing banana hammocks

and you're laughing at me?

Now you're pissing me off.

I'm getting everybody.

Hello. Where you at?

I know where I'm at.

Bring in my vast army.

You 13

putz are no match

for my massive Persian army.

They number in the millions!

That's just a blue screen.

Stupid.

It's a visual effect.

It's going to be digitally inserted later.

And the army is quite impressive, as you can imagine.

Gentlemen, may I present

Queen Margo.

Come on, baby. I'm gettin' a chubby.

Boner alert. Boner alert.

Okay, boys, make it rain!

Do the D-A-N-C-E, 1-2-3-4 fight

Stick to the B-E-A-T, get ready to ignite

You were such a P-Y-T, catching all the light

Just easy as A-B-C, that's how you make it right

Good councilmen

I implore you.

Your king, my dear husband, needs your help.

Sparta will fall

if you don't agree to send the rest of our army.

Gentlemen, our only hope for survival

is to surrender to Xerxes and beg for his forgiveness.

Do not be swayed by the words of this common prick-tease

with crabs all up in her coochie.

Ooh-

Oh, no, you didn't.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage

much like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3.

I'm evil.

Made of sand.

Ohh!

Oh, no.

Ooh!

Oh cute.

Gross.

What is it?

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God! Oh! Oh, my God.

How you like me now, Sandman?

Oh, no.

Dust-busting bitch! No!

No!

Ah-

Well, tickle my nipples with a feather.

Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five.

Grumble, grumble, grumble-

Traitoro was a traitor?

Duh!

All in favor

of sending more troops say aye.

Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye-

Spartans!

We have you surrounded.

Lay down your weapons!

Come and get them!

Formation!

Um-

A Spartan always protects another man's rear.

Adjust your sword, boy.

It's digging into my back.

But I'm not wearing my sword.

Carry on then.

My son.

Today you are truly a Spartan.

Thanks, Father.

Attack!

Steady, Spartans!

Remember this day, boys!

For today is the day you die!

Huh? What? Huh?

What?

LI mean they die.

Today's the day they die- that's what I meant to say.

Go!

Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits.

God, that smarts.

I am gonna go Hercules on your ass!

Ghost Rider!

You're going to hell.

Stop, drop and roll!

Yo!

No!

Yo, Sonio.

I'm gonna knock your block off.

Oh, shit.

Sonio!

You'll pay for this, Balboa.

Go for it.

Adult diapers?

Botox overdose.

Yes!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yes!

Xerxes!

It's aa beautiful death.

It's actually not that attractive.

I'm a Barbie girl

In the Barbie world

Life in plastic, it's fantastic

Come on, Barbie, let's go party!

Ah-ah-ah-yeah

Come on, Barbie, let's go party

Shit!

Enough of this gratuitous video game violence!

Waah!

Ah-

Aha!

A Transformer cube!

Okay, baby, let's transform.

I am Xerxestron

equipped with advanced alien technology.

Leave Britney alone!

He is a god-king.

Please-

Leave her alone!

She's a human!

Oh, oh, ain't that a bitch.

Leonidas was true to his word.

A god-king did fall.

But unfortunately, right on them.

III just-

Oh-

Ooh.

Queen Margo.

Yeah. Oh.

Leonidas and the Spartans

died for honor

for glory.

They died a beautiful death.

Today we stand against 30,000 Persians.

But we now have 100,000 soldiers!

Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh!

To victory!

Ah.

Follow me, boys.

I don't know.

And thus, Dilio blindly led the Spartans

Away from the Persians

To Malibu

just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving rehab again.

At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights

Thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along

And so you're back

From outer space

I just walked in to find you here

With that sad look upon your face

I should have changed my stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I had known for just one second

You'd be back to bother me

Go on, now go

Walk out the door

Just turn around now

'Cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one

Who tried to hurt me with good-bye?

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I

I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive

I will survive

Hey, hey

Whassup, dawg?!

Ha-ha! It took all the strength I had

Not to fall apart, dawg!

Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart

And I spent, oh, so many nights

Just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

But now I hold my head up high

And you see me

Somebody new

I'm not that chained-up little person

Still in love with you

That's Britney, bitch.

And so you felt like dropping in

And just expect me to be free

Now I'm saving all my lovin'

For someone who's lovin' me

Go, come on, now, uh!

Britney's in the house, where my babies at?

Ah, like this

Go, now, go

Walk out the door

Just turn around now

'Cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one

Who tried to hurt me with good-bye?

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I

I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive That's right, dawg!

I will survive

Hey, hey!

Hey, yo

When I wake up moaning, yawning

I put up my hands

Thank the Lord for what I got

And never stop my plans

Giving all for the goals

Got to keep it up, never let my head drop

Make me a home on my own

Better make the bed rock

A place for the dog, a garage, a yard to play around

Kitchen for missus

She be fixing them biscuits golden brown

Got me a shorty and some kids, just like a family should

Made it through changes, that's how I live

And now it's all good

You gonna breathe now

It's all how you bounce back

How you bounce back

It's all how you bounce back

You gonna breathe now

It's all how you bounce back

How you bounce back, how you bounce back Hey, hey

You gonna breathe now

It's all how you bounce back

How you bounce back

It's all how you bounce back

You gonna breathe now

It's all how you bounce back

How you bounce back, how you bounce back Hey, hey

Super-classic-play-a-listic homie, I'm the dopest

If you close your eyes and miss it

Ask me why I wrote this

I have come so very far to make this here my home

So if you thinking otherwise, I guess you thinkin' wrong

All it takes is all I got, a little bit of try

And if you make my babies cry, I'll bust you in your eye

Gonna put in work, gonna make it happen

Ain't no way you could tie me up

'Cause I hocus-pocus, keep your focus

Then you know this, that's what's up

You gonna breathe now

It's all how you bounce back

How you bounce back

It's all how you bounce back

You gonna breathe now

It's all how you bounce back

How you bounce back

It's all how you bounce back.

As the Spartans kicked major ass

even Leonidas believed

victory was theirs.

Victory is ours, boys!

Ah-ooh!

Let's celebrate!

For tonight, we dine

at Hooter's!

Hoo!

Eat from them

everything!

And tip them

nothing!

Yeah! Yeah!

It's Two-fer Tuesday.

Yeah!

Come on! No! Whoa!

Oh, isn't that sweet.

Oh! Oh-

OhOh-

That's my boy.

Where do you think you're going?

Aah! You little pussy.

No! No!

That's it.

Yay.

If you can dodge a golf ball, you can dodge a sword.

Ha! You missed.

Ow!

He can outflank us now, my king.

Men!

We are facing certain death.

Cherries.

But

the joke's on them, because they don't know

that dying in battle is the greatest honor

for any Spartan!

Ah-hoo.

God, that's a shitty plan.

Look, Leonidas

war is not the answer. Heh-heh.

Trust me, I know.

No! War is the answer!

Where am I?

Spidey, you're fired.

ELLEN DeGENERES: Hi. How are you, Leonidas?

Ellen.

Listen, I don't know why you're so upset.

You look great. You know, the cape is great.

Love the diaper.

II'd wear something very similar

for Portia on Friday nights.

We get frisky.

Hello, Leonidas.

Wow, is it hot in here?

Okay, Portia, Portia, women, women, women.

Women, you like women.

I can see by your-

your reaction, you're not amused.

It's the same reaction anyone who went to see Mr. Wrong had.

Uh, let's play a game- maybe we could play a game.

How about Who Sneezed?

It's a real easy game.

We close our eyes and someone sneezes

and you guess who.

If it was you, you win'cause obviously, you know.

Listen, chill out.

Let's just dance, shall we? Come on.

That's right. Oh, boy.

Okay.

There you go, you're getting the hang of it.

You know, back and forth- No, I can't do this!

Yo mama's so ugly, if she was

on the Spice Girls, her name would be

Dookie Spice!

Doo-doo!

Leonidas.

You should try Scientology.

I'm gonna set Katie free.

Yes!

I had to buy a million and one glitters

with my own money, and I had to buy-

I put them on by hand, Simon

and my reputation is all I have, and for you to sit here

telling me that I'm not intennigent-

inte- that I'm not intenni-

Let me start over. Intelligent. Yeah.

Hang on. Intelligent. Yeah.

I looked everywhere.

Don't you hate when you're on an airplane, you know

and the captain's, like, If you look out the window

to your left, you're gonna see another plane?

Am I right? See what I'm talking about?

Another plane? Right?

Don't you hate when you're in the supermarket

you know, and you're in aisle three.

And, like, Clean up on aisle three.

You know? And you're, like, What am I doing here?

I'm in aisle three, huh? Right?

You're all my fans, right? You all love me, right?

Who saw Employee of the Month?

Okay, that's cool.

Right? Yeah, what's up, Leonidas?

Super fingers to you.

No.

Super fingers

to you, Dane Cook!

This is a metaphor for my career.

You're off my MySpace page.

I'm really 42.

Sorry, I didn't hear what you said

Because I can't understand you

'cause you talk like this.

Your mama's such an old sloppy drunk

I thought she was David Hasselhoff.

Yeah!

From Knight Rider.

Dinaladas, do-

DotDingalidas, Dingalidas

Dingledangle, do

leg squats, and then you will be a star

you will be a star.

The last episode of Sopranos was most disappointing.

I mean, did Tony get whacked or live or what?

What happens in Vegas

stays in Vegas.

You just-You keep doing the thing you do

'cause the do is thing you do.

Hey, DJ, turn me out

You gotta keep me movin' till the moon goes down

If you want to show me, get below me

Shake your thing till you don't feel lonely

Hey, mister, break it down

You're a B-Boy that nearly hit the ground

You could play it real cool, act the old school

Jump around until your act is so cool

Clap your hands if you're feelin' me

One to the two, two to the three

Clap your hands if you're in the mix

Four to the five, five to the six

Hey, DJ, turn me out

You gotta keep me movin' till the moon goes down

If you want to show me, get below me

Shake your thing till you don't feel lonely

Hey, mister, break it down

You're a B-Boy that nearly hit the ground

You could play it real cool, act the old school

Jump around until your act is so cool.

When you're pushed, killing's as easy as

Dancin'. Ri