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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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What? No. No, I can't stay with my
boyfriend because he is still in prison.
2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,800
Besides, we're not that serious.
3
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:10,028
We talked through the toilet
and I've only seen a picture of his dick.
4
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,430
Look, I'm really sorry.
I should've been honest with you.
5
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:13,347
I'm over it.
6
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:15,117
And just to be clear,
you and I are no longer...
7
00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:16,934
A couple? No, we're not.
8
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,561
You've been locked up for three years.
9
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,688
I know you're itchin' to get laid.
10
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:23,023
Maybe it's time to scratch that itch.
11
00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:25,943
What the hell.
Probably never see you again.
12
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,570
Mm-mm.
13
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,989
That's not social distancing.
14
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,668
Hmm.
15
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:15,279
Hand me the vacuum.
16
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:16,363
Yep.
17
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:21,911
And what's with this cheese?
18
00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,246
That's gonna represent
a Swiss bank account.
19
00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:25,998
Or the plan still having
some holes in it.
20
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,124
Haven't decided yet.
21
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,808
What are you doing?
22
00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:49,146
Oh, nothin'.
Just puttin' my hand on your knee. Why?
23
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,230
Don't do that.
24
00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:51,482
Oh, okay.
25
00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:55,861
I thought maybe we were cool again,
like we were in prison.
26
00:03:55,945 --> 00:03:58,405
Since... we kissed.
27
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,157
I don't know what you're talking about.
28
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,117
Come on, we weren't that drunk.
29
00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,244
We played rock, paper, scissors.
30
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,681
My paper covered your rock,
we had a little bit of a moment,
31
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,248
and then we just...
32
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:09,541
That didn't happen.
33
00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:12,086
Uh...
34
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:15,756
Oh, okay. I see.
I see what you're doin'.
35
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,182
Did the TV break?
36
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,977
Gloria's comin' up with a plan
to steal the Congresswoman's money.
37
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:31,271
What are you doin' with my magazines?
I use those.
38
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:34,233
Look what you did.
You cut off the "C".
39
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,485
Now it's a recipe for asserole.
40
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,195
Where's the new phone I got you?
41
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:42,324
Oh, I sent it to Jean Michel Duklon
so we could finally video chat,
42
00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:46,453
but he told me
a squirrel was chasing a bird,
43
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,038
the bird startled the mailman,
44
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:49,623
the mailman dropped the package,
45
00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:50,624
when he went to pick it up,
46
00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:54,211
accidentally stepped on it
and broke the camera.
47
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,630
It's my fault
for not paying for insurance.
48
00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,216
Hey, what's the vacuum for?
49
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,051
Oh, the vacuum represents the housekeeper.
50
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:05,389
Okay. You know how the Congresswoman
is selling all her valuables
51
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,559
and dumping her cash
into a secret bank account
52
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,102
under her housekeeper's name?
53
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,061
Yeah. Lucia.
54
00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:14,314
Yep, and the first thing we need to do
is unEarth some information about her.
55
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:15,524
Last name, address...
56
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,735
Why'd you cut out a boner ad?
57
00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:20,821
Or is it not for the wall?
58
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,489
It's for the wall.
59
00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:25,659
In fact, it's for you.
60
00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:27,786
We're gonna need you to start dating Stan.
61
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:28,871
Excuse me?
62
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:31,540
Stan, the bank manager
who's in love with you.
63
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,893
The only way this is gonna work
is if you start dating him.
64
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:36,795
So when I show up to the bank
as Lucia to make a transfer, you can...
65
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:40,799
I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't hold another man's hand.
66
00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:43,886
And I sure as hell can't run in sand
with this wonky hip.
67
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:47,848
No, you need to find another picture
and figure out how to make it work.
68
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:48,932
Find another...
69
00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:52,603
Wait, do you think I just
cut up a bunch of pictures first
70
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,354
and then came up with the plan?
71
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:56,648
Here. Put this up there.
72
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:58,734
We used to trick
our dog Pickles to go to the vet.
73
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,795
Maybe there's a way
you can trick the Congresswoman
74
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:01,979
into givin' us all her money.
75
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,072
I like that idea, Mom.
76
00:06:03,155 --> 00:06:05,574
We're gonna have to figure out
what kind of treats she likes.
77
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:09,286
Barb, this is a lot of money.
I'm just asking you to...
78
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,204
Cheat.
79
00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:13,540
You're askin' me to cheat
on the first man in my whole life
80
00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,664
I've remained faithful to
and it's not gonna happen.
81
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:21,882
Nope. If I have to choose
between love and money,
82
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,258
I'm choosin' love.
83
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,971
But, seriously, you need to find
another way to get this money.
84
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,057
I wanna surprise my man
with a lime-green Tesla
85
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,726
and I've also got my eye
on some elective surgical procedures.
86
00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:37,064
And from what I'm askin' them
to accomplish, it ain't gonna be cheap.
87
00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:46,115
Someone needs to tell her
her boyfriend doesn't exist
88
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:47,491
and she's being scammed.
89
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,744
Yeah, well, uh...
I don't wanna be here for that.
90
00:06:50,828 --> 00:06:53,413
You're just gettin' started on the plan.
91
00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:54,766
Maybe you can find a way around it.
92
00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:56,583
Jack, this isn't just about the plan.
93
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:59,461
This is about Barb.
She's been taking care of us.
94
00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:00,754
We need to take care of her.
95
00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:02,840
Sooner or later,
Rooster's gonna tell Barb
96
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,425
that he's engaged to Wiggles,
you and I will be gone,
97
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:08,804
and Barb will be here all alone,
sending half her money to this asshole
98
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,682
and using the rest to turn herself
into FrankenMILF.
99
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,642
She deserves to know the truth.
100
00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,645
Well, I guess you're right.
Who's gonna tell her?
101
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,856
Rock, paper, scissors?
102
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,777
I don't think she's gonna listen
to either of us.
103
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:27,823
This guy has her so brainwashed,
she's not gonna believe he doesn't exist
104
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,199
unless she sees it for herself.
105
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,127
Get the treats.
We're taking Pickles to the vet.
106
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,133
This was a great idea.
107
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,260
Can't tell you the last time
I've been to DC
108
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,930
And thanks for drivin'
so I can look at the cherry blossoms.
109
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,223
Yeah, no problem.
110
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:39,311
Oh, no, Jack, Honey...
DC's that way.
111
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:42,648
We're not going to DC, Barb.
112
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:43,731
What?
113
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,907
We're taking you to see
Jean Michel Duklon.
114
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,408
Surprise.
115
00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,369
No, we can't show up unannounced.
116
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,246
Why not? It'll be romantic.
117
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:58,330
What if he's not home?
118
00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,749
He splits his time between Ohio
and the South of France.
119
00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:04,253
He is home. I've been using the phone
you sent him to find his location.
120
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:05,921
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
121
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,899
- Turn this car around.
- Do not turn this car around.
122
00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,926
Hey, what are you doin'?
Barb? Barb?
123
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,804
I swear to God,
if you don't turn this car around,
124
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,138
I'll jump.
125
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,848
- Barb, no!
- Pull over!
126
00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:18,934
- Barb, don't jump!
- Pull over!
127
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,703
- She's not jumping.
- I feel like she might.
128
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,312
I'm jumping!
129
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,318
And don't think I don't know
what you did with the Twizzlers!
130
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:31,280
Treatin' me like a damn dog with worms.
131
00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:34,992
Fine, we won't go see him!
He wasn't gonna be there anyway!
132
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,413
How do you know?
133
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,958
Rock beats blank stare.
134
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:44,084
Tell her, Jack.
135
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:46,378
Tell me what?
136
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:48,547
We think you're being scammed.
137
00:09:49,715 --> 00:09:53,093
Not to say you're not
a ripe, beautiful woman,
138
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:58,140
but don't you think it's a little odd
that you've never talked face-to-face
139
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,350
because his camera phone
is always broken?
140
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,019
He drops things. Big whoop.
141
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,105
Yeah, but you always
send him cash and gifts.
142
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,606
He never sends you anything back.
143
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,567
Because he's between jobs.
144
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:12,446
The Eastern Ohio male modeling industry
has been crippled by Covid.
145
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,781
He lives five hours away,
he's never come to visit you.
146
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:18,827
Because he's a saint
who takes care of his sick father.
147
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,370
He can't leave him alone.
148
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:23,707
Doesn't all that
sound a little convenient?
149
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,418
I mean, trust me,
I know a scam when I see one.
150
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:30,172
You might know a scam,
but you sure as hell don't know love.
151
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,799
You just think all men are scumbags
because you gave your heart
152
00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:36,511
to Jack in prison and it turns out
he was lyin' to you the whole time.
153
00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,847
Ah, scumbag's a little strong.
154
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:43,060
And you can't believe a younger man
could be attracted to a mature woman
155
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,021
because you're repulsed
by the thought of being with an older man.
156
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,815
Older man?
We're 12 years apart.
157
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:51,860
And that's prison years.
There's no sun damage in lockup.
158
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:52,943
Let it go, Jack. Just...
159
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,154
Show me a crow's foot.
160
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,572
Other side.
161
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,032
Nothing.
162
00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:00,744
If you are so convinced that he is real,
why are you so scared to go see him?
163
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,371
Because I'm not ready.
164
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,207
I got a whole list of nips
and tucks and lifts I gotta do
165
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,666
before I see him in person.
166
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,211
I mean, this bra's puttin' in the work,
but without it,
167
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,797
I got a left knocker
that's got a mind of its own.
168
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,799
You sent him a phone
so you could video chat.
169
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,722
He was gonna see you then,
why not see you now?
170
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,137
Because if we video chat,
I can dim the lights,
171
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:22,432
pick my own angle,
smear a little Miracle Whip on the lens.
172
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:23,975
I control the environment,
173
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:27,896
just like when I send him pictures of me
from no less than 20 feet away.
174
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,778
What are you doin'?
What are you doin'?
175
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:38,031
He can zoom in on the pictures, Barb.
176
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,033
Huh.
177
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,869
You can just do that with your fingers?
178
00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:43,787
Mm-hmm.
179
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,497
He knows what I look like?
180
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:46,706
Warts and all.
181
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:49,792
Well, then...
182
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:52,921
...take me to my lover.
183
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,259
And it's not a wart, it's a skin tag.
184
00:11:57,342 --> 00:12:00,429
And it's on the list, under nips.
185
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,152
What are you doing?
186
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:17,144
Lettin' him know we're comin'.
187
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:20,115
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are not warning him.
188
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,701
If he's real,
he'll be thrilled when you surprise him.
189
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,789
Hey, oh, uh...
190
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:28,874
Hello?
191
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:32,002
Hey, so I was at the house showin'
Wiggles how we spy on people and shit
192
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,212
and the Congresswoman
called up some guy
193
00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,773
to come pick her up
and take her to work.
194
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:38,008
Yeah, that's great, Rooster.
Can, uh...
195
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,986
Can I call you back?
I'm a little busy right now.
196
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:42,804
She also said that they gotta
stop by the cleaning lady's house
197
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,806
and pay her for the work last weekend.
198
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:47,184
They're goin' to Lucia's!
199
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,828
We're on our way over there to follow her.
200
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,872
Rooster says the Congresswoman's
goin' to Lucia's house.
201
00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:51,896
He's gonna follow her.
202
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:55,525
Absolutely not. We can probably figure out
where she lives online.
203
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:59,154
Rooster, do not follow the Congresswoman!
204
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,174
I think Gloria feels like
we can hold off on that.
205
00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:02,991
Yeah, I heard.
206
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,496
Fine, keep the damn phone.
207
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:13,376
Rather see the surprised look on his
very real, very handsome face anyway.
208
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:22,052
I got road snacks!
209
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,678
We're not going.
210
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:27,057
Really? Why? You were so excited.
211
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,768
They think I'll screw it up
by doing something stupid.
212
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:33,146
That's crazy.
You're the smartest guy I ever dated.
213
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,315
Come on.
214
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,609
Who taught me unicorns were extinct?
215
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:40,028
I didn't want you to waste
any more time saving up for one.
216
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,156
Who taught me that 2% milk
is actually 100% milk?
217
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,491
- Me.
- See?
218
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:45,784
They only think you're stupid
219
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,911
'cause you haven't shown 'em
how smart you are yet.
220
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:51,331
What do you say, baby?
Should we prove 'em wrong?
221
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:52,414
Let's do it.
222
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:58,046
Who taught me there's
actually a calculator in my phone?
223
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,840
Well, I did. Do you use it ?
224
00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:04,177
No, it's too hard,
but it's nice to know it's there.
225
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,898
Was the kiss less than spectacular?
226
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:19,693
Excuse me?
227
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:20,920
Is that why you're pretending
we didn't kiss?
228
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:21,861
Wait, what?
229
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,363
'Cause I'm out of practice.
230
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,991
I haven't voluntarily kissed anyone
in 26 years.
231
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:27,242
When did you guys kiss?
232
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:28,159
We didn't.
233
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,036
She's pretending it didn't happen.
234
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,290
Oh. That's because
she doesn't believe in love.
235
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,916
I believe in love.
236
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,502
But that kiss that he's talking about,
it didn't happen.
237
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:40,005
Fine.
238
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:45,302
Goddammit.
Rooster's gone rogue.
239
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,479
Shit!
240
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:57,999
They should be impressed
that I remember
241
00:14:58,023 --> 00:15:00,583
where the Congresswoman lives,
but they're telling me to go home.
242
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,820
I still don't think I can do this.
243
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,656
That's bullshit.
You can do anything.
244
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:10,535
Who taught me that Thanksgiving
is only a holiday in America and...
245
00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,953
What was the other place again?
246
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,037
Turkey.
247
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,834
Oh, here she comes.
Get down.
248
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,002
I guess you can't threaten
249
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:21,463
to put your foot up Lindsey Graham's ass
for a few weeks.
250
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,965
Poor guy probably bleached
and waxed his hole for nothing.
251
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:25,175
Funny, Collin.
252
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,028
I was gonna give you
an after-lunch painkiller,
253
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:29,054
but you just blew that little treat.
254
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,976
Thanks for believing in me, baby.
255
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,060
Of course.
256
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:39,272
This kinda reminds me of the time
when you told your mother
257
00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,274
that even though
she thought I was garbage,
258
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:42,942
you knew I could still do great things.
259
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,195
Remember what you said?
260
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:49,032
It's called "garbage can",
not "garbage cannot".
261
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:13,682
Here we are.
Chateau de Jean Michel.
262
00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,767
Jean Michel is his first name.
263
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,895
Duklon is his last name,
not whatever you said.
264
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,522
You want one of us to go with you?
265
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:24,442
Do I look like I need a chaperone?
This ain't the damn prom.
266
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:26,695
Just be ready to take a few pictures.
267
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:29,406
If this goes the way I hope,
268
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,075
it's gonna end up
in the wedding slideshow,
269
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,911
accompanied by a Van Halen song.
270
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,539
I'd tell you which one,
but I want it to be a surprise.
271
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:40,041
Okay. Okay.
272
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,428
Ah, damn hip locked up!
273
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,596
It just locked up!
274
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,099
I gotta wrestle this bastard
back into place.
275
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:02,731
Cover your ears.
The pop can be a bit startling.
276
00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:07,401
Okay.
277
00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:11,906
Someone's here.
278
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:21,374
Holy shit, he's beautiful.
279
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,585
And he's real.
280
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:25,128
He's 100% real.
281
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,671
Well, just because...
282
00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:30,967
I mean, I'll admit it,
I was terrified you guys were right.
283
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,969
That I was being tricked,
284
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:37,766
and no one would ever love
a washed-up old woman like me.
285
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:40,393
But someone does.
286
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:41,853
He does.
287
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,023
He loves me.
288
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,779
Shit. We need to find a motel.
289
00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:51,988
- What?
- Why?
290
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,283
Well, you saw how amazing he looks.
291
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:59,370
I can't show up smellin'
like the inside of a 1976 Pacer.
292
00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:02,540
And plus,
until my hip pops back into place,
293
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,876
I can't jump after he kisses me,
294
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:07,879
so it's not gonna sync up with
the Van Halen song about jumping.
295
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,173
What is that song called?
296
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,090
- "Jump".
- "Jump".
297
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:14,302
That's it! "Jump".
298
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:17,347
Don't tell Rooster, I want someone
at the wedding to be surprised.
299
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:21,392
Barb, don't take this the wrong way,
but you've looked a lot worse.
300
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,602
Just... Just go out there.
301
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:23,685
No way.
302
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:28,399
I need to ice my hip, shower,
and get a good night's sleep.
303
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:32,320
And if there's a Marshalls nearby,
maybe pick up a sexy new blouse
304
00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:33,780
and a sturdier bra.
305
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:37,075
'Cause this one's
startin' to walk off the job.
306
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:40,036
Holy shit. Rooster found Lucia.
307
00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:50,755
Oh.
308
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:52,340
What'd they say?
309
00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:55,802
They sent an emoji fist bump
and said that Jack's gonna come back later
310
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,555
to steal her mail so that we know
her last name for the fake ID.
311
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,473
You did it!
312
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:04,102
Victory blunt, victory blunt...
313
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:05,454
Oh, it's a little messed up, though,
314
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,815
'cause I feel like
I just proved myself,
315
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:11,401
and they still don't trust me
to get her last name.
316
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,947
You thinking about stealing her mail?
317
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:20,326
Nope. Something better.
318
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,120
Stealing one of her kids?
319
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,706
No. Uh...
320
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:26,374
What...
321
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:29,794
What's the first thing that a cop
wants to look at when they pull you over?
322
00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,754
My titties.
323
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,173
Well, no, after that.
324
00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:38,011
Your license.
325
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:42,390
I'm gonna steal this lady's license.
326
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,517
Cool.
327
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,525
Just give me a second.
328
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:56,988
My husband took the face shield
and went out to get us some milkshakes.
329
00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,116
We only have two rooms available.
330
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,369
Jack and I can share. That way,
you can get your beauty rest.
331
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:06,456
I'm gonna get snacks from the machine.
332
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:14,631
A woman doesn't volunteer to share a room
unless she's plannin' on gettin' laid.
333
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,967
Good luck, stud.
334
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,731
Have there been any changes
in the way people kiss
335
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,900
in the last 26 years
that you're aware of?
336
00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:36,152
Hmm...
337
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,196
Well, I've been hearing
a lot of chatter lately
338
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,865
about people licking
each other's hiney-holes.
339
00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:43,618
Would you consider that kissing?
340
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:44,869
I wouldn't.
341
00:20:44,953 --> 00:20:50,083
Me neither. So, no,
I think kissing is still just kissing.
342
00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:51,376
Thank you.
343
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:18,444
Did you push the beds together?
344
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,239
No, they were like this.
345
00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:23,199
Must have been
the last people who stayed here.
346
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,332
Oh...
347
00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:36,671
I can't figure you out, Gloria.
Why won't you acknowledge our kiss?
348
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:42,719
Because if we kissed,
we'd be talking about what it meant
349
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,362
instead of concentrating on our plan
to steal millions of dollars
350
00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:46,448
from an evil Congresswoman.
351
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,266
We'd lose focus
and the next thing you know,
352
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,643
we'd be back in prison
talking through the toilet.
353
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:52,645
That is why the kiss never happened
354
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:54,564
and that is why
we are not sleeping together.
355
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:56,232
Well, why are we sharing a room?
356
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:57,608
Because we're not sleeping.
357
00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:02,321
We are gonna rob Jean Michel Dumbass
or whatever his real name is.
358
00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:04,782
What do you mean?
He looked just like his pictures.
359
00:22:04,866 --> 00:22:05,866
Better than the pictures.
360
00:22:05,908 --> 00:22:07,368
I gotta agree with Barb on this one.
361
00:22:07,452 --> 00:22:10,121
Ugh. No one who looks like that
is in love with Barb.
362
00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:11,873
Okay, he may be using his own picture,
363
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:14,834
but he's still asking her
to send him money.
364
00:22:14,917 --> 00:22:16,478
Did you see that gold watch
he was wearing?
365
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:18,504
To be honest,
my eyes stopped at his biceps.
366
00:22:18,588 --> 00:22:20,733
I've been tryin' to figure
how to get mine to pop like that.
367
00:22:20,757 --> 00:22:21,591
It's so...
368
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:22,884
We are stealing that watch.
369
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:25,887
For our plan to work,
I need a fake ID that says I'm Lucia
370
00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:27,972
and selling that watch
should cover the cost.
371
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,850
Can't we rob him tomorrow?
372
00:22:30,933 --> 00:22:33,978
After Barb talks to him
and we're 100% certain it's a scam?
373
00:22:34,062 --> 00:22:35,563
I'm already convinced.
374
00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:38,107
If we're gonna hit this guy,
we need to do it tonight.
375
00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:41,652
Hip's back in!
376
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:44,006
He lives with his dad. His sick dad.
He wasn't lyin'.
377
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:45,883
- I'm puttin' the watch back.
- No!
378
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:47,260
- Yeah.
- No, listen.
379
00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:48,761
That doesn't prove anything.
380
00:23:48,845 --> 00:23:50,847
- Innocent until proven guilty.
- In what country?
381
00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:07,655
Hey, baby.
382
00:24:10,867 --> 00:24:12,785
Hey. Hey, you're early.
383
00:24:12,869 --> 00:24:16,164
Yeah, they sent me home.
Covid's got people scared to eat out.
384
00:24:18,708 --> 00:24:20,710
- Well, I'm not scared.
- Mm.
385
00:24:33,097 --> 00:24:35,099
Oh!
386
00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:38,769
Oh, that's my spot, baby.
387
00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:10,176
That was, um...
388
00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:13,638
That was...
quite the session.
389
00:25:13,721 --> 00:25:15,640
Herculean effort.
390
00:25:17,475 --> 00:25:18,809
On a weeknight, too.
391
00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:29,820
Did he eat an energy bar while she was...?
392
00:25:29,904 --> 00:25:31,322
- I believe he did.
- Mm.
393
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:36,577
Goodnight.
394
00:25:36,661 --> 00:25:37,661
Goodnight.
395
00:25:42,333 --> 00:25:44,418
This didn't happen.
396
00:25:44,502 --> 00:25:46,504
Absolutely not.
397
00:25:46,587 --> 00:25:50,424
Oh, my God.
398
00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:51,508
Oh, shit.
399
00:26:01,352 --> 00:26:04,897
Hey! Wakey, wakey!
Time to go surprise my man!
400
00:26:08,401 --> 00:26:10,820
Are we gonna tell her
what we saw last night?
401
00:26:15,992 --> 00:26:18,411
I'm gonna take that as a no.
402
00:26:25,543 --> 00:26:27,211
There she is.
403
00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:28,921
You got this, baby.
404
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:08,771
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I forgot about gravity.
405
00:28:08,854 --> 00:28:10,523
Why do I always forget about gravity?
406
00:28:14,276 --> 00:28:16,237
Rooster, it's okay.
407
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,560
No, I should've quit while I was ahead.
Jack and Gloria were right. I'm a screwup!
408
00:28:20,408 --> 00:28:26,122
Yeah, well, I don't know if they're gonna
feel that way when you show them this.
409
00:28:27,331 --> 00:28:28,624
You got it?
410
00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:32,253
When you smashed into her cart,
the stuff in her purse flew everywhere.
411
00:28:32,336 --> 00:28:34,046
I pretended to help clean up
412
00:28:34,130 --> 00:28:36,715
- and then I did the old...
- slip-it-into-the-tit.
413
00:28:36,799 --> 00:28:40,845
Same thing I do with dollar bills
if there are two dancers on the stage.
414
00:28:42,596 --> 00:28:45,266
What's wrong? You did it.
415
00:28:45,349 --> 00:28:46,350
No, I didn't.
416
00:28:47,643 --> 00:28:48,643
You did.
417
00:28:50,563 --> 00:28:52,022
Remember that Fourth of July
418
00:28:52,106 --> 00:28:54,567
when I spilled blue Slurpee
all over my white dress
419
00:28:54,650 --> 00:28:56,485
and then you dumped
your red Slurpee on me
420
00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:58,988
so it looked like I did it on purpose?
421
00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:00,406
Yeah.
422
00:29:00,489 --> 00:29:02,741
And when I had black mold
in my apartment
423
00:29:02,825 --> 00:29:04,618
'cause I left the tub running,
424
00:29:04,702 --> 00:29:07,371
who painted over it
so I wouldn't have to see it anymore?
425
00:29:07,455 --> 00:29:11,500
Me, but you don't even use it that much
'cause baths make you wheeze.
426
00:29:11,584 --> 00:29:15,921
My point is, I screw up sometimes, too.
427
00:29:16,005 --> 00:29:18,340
But you're always there
to catch me when I fall.
428
00:29:18,424 --> 00:29:20,301
That's why we're good
for each other.
429
00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:22,928
Like oil and water, right?
430
00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:24,513
One's good for salad dressing
431
00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:27,057
and one's good
for cleaning up salad dressing.
432
00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:28,559
They work together.
433
00:29:30,186 --> 00:29:31,854
You're pretty smart, too, Wiggles.
434
00:29:31,937 --> 00:29:33,272
We both are.
435
00:29:33,355 --> 00:29:35,065
Except for when we're not.
436
00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:37,818
We just need to make sure that
we don't screw up at the same time.
437
00:29:43,199 --> 00:29:46,368
Baby, I don't think this is my car.
438
00:29:58,088 --> 00:29:59,882
Oh, my Lord.
439
00:30:06,430 --> 00:30:07,431
How do I look?
440
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:09,474
They even?
441
00:30:10,309 --> 00:30:12,478
Oh, uh...
identical twins.
442
00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:20,026
Hey!
443
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,241
Hey!
444
00:30:28,410 --> 00:30:29,453
Can I help you?
445
00:30:29,537 --> 00:30:30,746
It's me.
446
00:30:31,956 --> 00:30:34,291
You didn't zoom in
on the pictures, did you?
447
00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:36,627
You were wrong.
He didn't zoom in on the pictures.
448
00:30:38,295 --> 00:30:39,672
Hey!
449
00:30:39,755 --> 00:30:41,340
I'm sorry. Who are you?
450
00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:45,052
Barb. It's Barb.
451
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:48,055
Je swiss Barb.
452
00:30:48,138 --> 00:30:49,848
I'm sorry, Ma'am.
I think you're confused.
453
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:53,143
Ma'am? But it's me.
454
00:30:54,186 --> 00:30:56,105
Your little Honeysuckle.
455
00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:57,106
My what?
456
00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:58,691
Hey, asshole. It's over, all right?
457
00:30:58,774 --> 00:31:01,419
Just admit you've been scamming her
so she can get on with her life.
458
00:31:01,443 --> 00:31:03,445
Gloria, leave him alone.
459
00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:04,822
I think he has amnesia.
460
00:31:04,905 --> 00:31:06,949
He doesn't even have
his accent anymore.
461
00:31:07,783 --> 00:31:10,327
Sweetie, did you hit your head recently?
462
00:31:10,411 --> 00:31:11,412
No.
463
00:31:11,495 --> 00:31:13,831
See? He doesn't even
remember hitting his head.
464
00:31:13,914 --> 00:31:15,392
Hey, buddy,
what you're doin' isn't cool.
465
00:31:15,416 --> 00:31:17,209
Just be honest with her.
466
00:31:17,293 --> 00:31:18,544
Hey, what's goin' on, baby?
467
00:31:18,627 --> 00:31:19,712
Baby?
468
00:31:19,795 --> 00:31:22,798
Ah, hell no.
469
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:24,818
I don't know what's goin' on,
but I'm callin' the cops.
470
00:31:24,842 --> 00:31:26,861
Seriously? You're gonna use
the same phone she sent you
471
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:27,803
to call the cops?
472
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:29,013
That's a dick move, bro.
473
00:31:29,096 --> 00:31:31,241
What are you talkin' about?
I bought him that phone for his birthday.
474
00:31:31,265 --> 00:31:35,269
Ah, soon as I get my shoulder warmed up,
it is go-time, bitch.
475
00:31:35,352 --> 00:31:39,815
Okay, when I find your name
in her contacts and call that phone,
476
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:43,193
it's not gonna ring, right?
477
00:31:45,446 --> 00:31:47,448
- Bonjour, mon amour.
- Bonjour, mon amour.
478
00:31:55,831 --> 00:31:57,750
Are you there, Honeysuckle?
479
00:31:58,834 --> 00:32:03,380
I'm looking out upon the Champs-Elysees
and thinking of you.
480
00:32:03,464 --> 00:32:04,465
Really?
481
00:32:06,467 --> 00:32:07,676
Barb?
482
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,430
No. No, no. It's too soon.
It's too soon. I'm not ready.
483
00:33:19,915 --> 00:33:20,916
Wow.
484
00:34:01,206 --> 00:34:02,517
I fell in love the moment I saw you.
485
00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:05,753
But since I used my son's picture,
I was too scared to tell you the truth.
486
00:34:05,836 --> 00:34:09,006
I knew that if you ever saw me in person,
it would all end.
487
00:34:10,257 --> 00:34:11,800
But then you started sending me money.
488
00:34:11,884 --> 00:34:13,427
Wait, you didn't ask her for money?
489
00:34:13,510 --> 00:34:15,345
No, she just sent it.
490
00:34:15,429 --> 00:34:18,474
And I was going to send it back,
but then I thought,
491
00:34:18,557 --> 00:34:22,978
"What if I used your money
to give you everything you've dreamed of?"
492
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:25,481
I used to look like John Michael.
493
00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:28,150
I thought maybe I could turn back time.
494
00:34:28,233 --> 00:34:32,988
I started buying testosterone pills, HGH,
following Tom Brady's meal plan.
495
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:36,158
The guy won't let you eat a tomato, Barb.
496
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:38,076
And I really want a tomato.
497
00:34:39,703 --> 00:34:41,038
But I want you more.
498
00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:44,166
I feel like there's too many people
in this room for all the Covid stuff.
499
00:34:44,249 --> 00:34:45,959
- Maybe we should move this outside.
- Shh.
500
00:34:46,043 --> 00:34:47,628
Every penny you ever sent me,
501
00:34:47,711 --> 00:34:50,547
I invested in trying
to make your dreams come true.
502
00:34:50,631 --> 00:34:52,800
I even started hair transplants.
503
00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:54,486
You only send me
a couple of hundred a month,
504
00:34:54,510 --> 00:34:55,886
so I had to do it in installments,
505
00:34:55,969 --> 00:34:57,888
but I think it's starting
to look pretty good.
506
00:35:00,682 --> 00:35:02,935
Barb, the pictures weren't me.
507
00:35:03,977 --> 00:35:06,522
The emails, sexting...
508
00:35:06,647 --> 00:35:08,106
Oh, God.
509
00:35:08,190 --> 00:35:11,652
...all the late-night phone calls,
those were me.
510
00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:14,029
Every time I said I love you,
I meant it.
511
00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,866
I love you, Barb.
512
00:35:21,286 --> 00:35:22,913
Let me see the top of your head again.
513
00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:27,918
Ugh.
514
00:35:28,001 --> 00:35:31,505
Yeah. No, it's not gonna happen, buddy.
515
00:35:39,972 --> 00:35:43,308
I, uh...
I found this outside on the sidewalk.
516
00:35:43,392 --> 00:35:45,310
I don't know.
Maybe you know.
517
00:36:05,914 --> 00:36:11,211
As pathetic as that guy was,
he really did love me, didn't he?
518
00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:14,381
He sure did, Barb.
519
00:36:14,464 --> 00:36:16,633
He was just afraid to tell the truth.
520
00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:21,388
He knew you were out of his league,
so he lied just to stay in the game.
521
00:36:21,972 --> 00:36:23,265
So he'd have any chance at all.
522
00:36:23,348 --> 00:36:25,309
It doesn't mean
he didn't care about you.
523
00:36:26,310 --> 00:36:28,520
If anything,
it shows that he did.
524
00:36:29,771 --> 00:36:32,691
Well, when the hair comes in,
maybe he won't be so bad.
525
00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:37,029
Maybe, but you need
to start seeing Stan first.
526
00:36:37,112 --> 00:36:38,739
We need to focus on the plan.
527
00:36:41,325 --> 00:36:44,286
What about after the plan?
What's gonna happen after the plan?
528
00:36:45,287 --> 00:36:50,751
I guess if we get through
all of this and end up millionaires,
529
00:36:50,834 --> 00:36:52,628
then, yeah...
530
00:36:52,711 --> 00:36:55,297
if she decides
she wants to give it a shot...
531
00:36:55,380 --> 00:36:57,090
maybe there's a future there.
532
00:36:58,175 --> 00:36:59,551
Maybe.
533
00:37:00,636 --> 00:37:02,554
You guys screwed, didn't you?
534
00:37:02,638 --> 00:37:04,973
Nope. Didn't happen.
535
00:37:08,852 --> 00:37:11,355
Well, today is full of surprises.
536
00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:14,316
Rooster got Lucia's license.
537
00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:15,817
Hot damn!
538
00:39:12,267 --> 00:39:16,271
Barb, one of the Congresswoman's
sculptures just sold for 46 grand.
539
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,774
You're kiddin' me.
Let me see, let me see.
540
00:39:19,399 --> 00:39:22,152
We got this new kind
of Asian spaghetti soup.
541
00:39:22,235 --> 00:39:23,737
Raymond noodles.
542
00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:28,241
And sure, my sister's a crack addict,
we got a handful of felons,
543
00:39:28,325 --> 00:39:31,495
and my father was a Methodist
for a few weeks, under duress.
544
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:36,500
Let go! I bruise like a banana
and it's comin' up on my tank-top season!
545
00:39:56,520 --> 00:40:00,107
♪ We're gonna get high,
high, high, high, high tonight ♪
546
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:02,131
https://www.MY-SUBS.com/
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