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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,307
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,977
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:15,047
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,503
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,266
♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
8
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,923
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:29,928
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,152
All right, everyone.
11
00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:39,065
Because today is
Christmas Eve...
12
00:00:39,089 --> 00:00:41,222
♪ School's out... ♪
13
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,408
Not yet, Griffin.
14
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,422
I thought it might be
a nice treat to...
15
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:46,811
♪ School's out... ♪
16
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,124
Griffin!
17
00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:49,281
Thank you.
18
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,733
To let everyone leave
a little bit earl...
19
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,187
♪ School's out for ♪
20
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,749
- ♪ Summer... ♪
- Christmas!
21
00:00:56,773 --> 00:00:59,508
Fine. Everybody have
a nice holiday.
22
00:00:59,576 --> 00:01:01,009
Up yours, teach.
23
00:01:01,077 --> 00:01:03,828
♪ Out forever ♪
24
00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:07,749
♪ School's been... ♪
25
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:10,351
- See you at the moon tower.
- You know it!
26
00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:12,304
Hey, Wooderson,
see you at the moon tower?
27
00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:15,240
Nah. I'm just gonna
drive around in my Lincoln.
28
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,924
Weird people out.
29
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,161
♪ ♪
30
00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:23,315
Bells on bobtail
ring, making spirits bright.
31
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:26,367
Oh, what fun to laugh and sing
32
00:01:26,436 --> 00:01:28,803
a sleighing song tonight.
33
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:34,109
Jingle bells. Jingle bells.
34
00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,844
Jingle all the way.
35
00:01:35,913 --> 00:01:37,945
Oh, what fun it is to ride
36
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:40,332
in a Lincoln AKZ.
37
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,278
The Family Guy
Christmas Special,
38
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:43,801
brought to you by Lincoln.
39
00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,703
Lincoln. What are we doing?
40
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:55,430
Oh, I love this time of year.
41
00:01:55,499 --> 00:01:58,033
You know, Chris, you
and your stillborn twin Tmas
42
00:01:58,102 --> 00:02:00,185
were named after Christmas.
43
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:02,955
I see the kids put their
gifts under the tree.
44
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:05,206
Brian, I don't think
you've put yours there yet.
45
00:02:05,275 --> 00:02:07,609
Well, as we know,
the true spirit of the holiday
46
00:02:07,677 --> 00:02:09,177
is one of giving.
47
00:02:09,246 --> 00:02:11,512
So, I've signed all of us up
to volunteer tomorrow
48
00:02:11,581 --> 00:02:13,798
at a homeless shelter.
49
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,934
- That's your present.
- What?!
50
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:17,936
Last year, you wrote us
a freaking poem,
51
00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,170
and now this?!
52
00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:21,206
I thought the poem was lovely.
53
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,407
Now, hold on.
54
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:25,177
I think that's actually
a wonderful idea, Brian.
55
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,578
It'll be good for the kids.
56
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,014
Nothing reminds you more
of what you have than watching
57
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:31,583
a grown man poo right through
the split in his pants.
58
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,012
Now, let's finish decorating
before your father gets home.
59
00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:38,156
Okay. I'll put the Kanye Canes
in the stockings.
60
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,835
You know, it's just like,
61
00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:42,727
you know, music and fashion,
all that...
62
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,407
You know I can't be stopped.
63
00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:47,765
Whatever I do, you know,
I just want to be the best,
because
64
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,734
the best is never enough.
65
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,269
Mark Zuckerberg promised
66
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,072
he'd give me $50 million,
fam, but then
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00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:55,951
he welched and I'm penniless.
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00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:57,487
♪ Kanyeis the greatest ♪
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00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,212
♪ Kanye drops the latestThere can be no debatest ♪
70
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,075
♪ And Kanyegot the status. ♪
71
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:03,910
The Family Guy
Christmas Special,
72
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,601
brought to you by
anthropomorphic candy canes.
73
00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:08,670
Family Guy.
What are we doing?
74
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,472
Dad's car is coming!
75
00:03:16,647 --> 00:03:19,615
He's coming fast.
He can't wait to see us.
76
00:03:19,683 --> 00:03:21,399
Get out of the road, you idiots!
77
00:03:23,554 --> 00:03:25,554
And he's headed
right to the bar.
78
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,456
The Clam's on
the other side of town.
79
00:03:27,524 --> 00:03:29,164
He went out of his way
to do this.
80
00:03:34,231 --> 00:03:35,642
We now return to
81
00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:37,077
"'Twas the Night
Before Christmas,"
82
00:03:37,101 --> 00:03:39,617
as read by Norm Macdonald.
83
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,819
"'Twas the night
before Christmas..."
84
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,389
W-Wait, "'twas"?
What's "'twas"?
85
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,291
Is that short for "it was"?
86
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,204
What kind of rush
are you in, man,
87
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,861
you can't just say "it was"?
88
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:52,364
Oh, you saved
a lot of time there, fella.
89
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:55,400
Oh, don't come at me
with that "it was" stuff.
90
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,701
I got things to do.
91
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,614
Got to get down
to the donut shop.
92
00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,651
You know, two days ago,I was at the donut shop,and I said,
93
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:04,576
"Hey, donut guy, you got
anything warm back there?"
94
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:07,011
He says, "Try the fritters.
They were."
95
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,280
"They were"?
96
00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:10,549
What does that even mean,
"they were"?
97
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:12,617
You must mean "'twere"!
98
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:15,187
The fritters "'twere" warm.
99
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,021
What's that?
We're out of time?
100
00:04:17,091 --> 00:04:19,491
Oh. I'm fired?
101
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,304
Hey, you know,
uh, O.J. Simpson
102
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:23,139
is a wife-beating
murderer, right?
103
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,330
Oh, right, was. 'Twas!
104
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,565
Well, I got to get home.
105
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:30,735
Every year, we gather round
and play "O Holy Night"
106
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,938
from our favorite holiday album,
107
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,807
A Very Slow Christmas
with Peabo Bryson.
108
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:44,683
♪ O... ♪
109
00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:01,082
♪ Holy... ♪
110
00:05:01,151 --> 00:05:02,661
Well, I suppose
I better get out of here
111
00:05:02,685 --> 00:05:05,020
before that overenthusiastic
group of carolers
112
00:05:05,088 --> 00:05:06,208
makes their way in here.
113
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,722
♪ Have you heard the story ♪
114
00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:09,268
♪ That they're telling'bout Bethlehem? ♪
115
00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:11,776
♪ Have you heard the storyof the Jesus child? ♪
116
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,645
Aw, too late!
Let's head out the back!
117
00:05:13,696 --> 00:05:16,576
♪ How he came from heavenand was bornin a manger bed ♪
118
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,811
- To the windows!
- ♪ Mary was hisvirgin mother ♪
119
00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:20,168
♪ Pure and mild ♪
120
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,287
Oh, my God, they got Quagmire!
121
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,023
♪ Sing hallelujah,sing hallelujah ♪
122
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,826
♪ Worship the Jesus childand praise his mother mild. ♪
123
00:05:30,881 --> 00:05:32,509
Coming this holiday season,
124
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,032
it's Star Blizzard!
125
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,401
Using laser technology
to shower your home
126
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,754
in a blizzard
of dazzling lights!
127
00:05:38,822 --> 00:05:41,623
So much easier than
stringing Christmas lights.
128
00:05:41,691 --> 00:05:45,010
I can light upmy whole housefor just pennies a day.
129
00:05:45,079 --> 00:05:47,245
I looked into it,
and now I'm blind.
130
00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:48,958
Honey, the house looks great!
131
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,148
Who's there?
132
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,928
Hey, Frank,
could you turn that off?
133
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,186
- My cat's freaking out.
- Who's that now?
134
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,654
I don't know voices yet;
I'm new-blind.
135
00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:58,006
Star Blizzard.
136
00:05:58,075 --> 00:06:00,191
Happy holidays,
and just don't look into it.
137
00:06:01,244 --> 00:06:02,977
Oh, Peter, you're finally home.
138
00:06:03,046 --> 00:06:05,413
Yup, just in time
to watch Patrick Swayze's
139
00:06:05,482 --> 00:06:06,981
Christmas in Wonderland.
140
00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:08,349
Well, before you sit down,
141
00:06:08,418 --> 00:06:09,829
I just need you to do
a couple things.
142
00:06:09,853 --> 00:06:11,564
Okay, first,
I need you to take down
143
00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:13,087
last year's Christmas lights
144
00:06:13,156 --> 00:06:14,967
and put up this year's
Christmas lights.
145
00:06:14,991 --> 00:06:17,391
Then I need you to get the
eggnog cups out of the attic
146
00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:19,038
and bump your head
on a low eave.
147
00:06:19,062 --> 00:06:21,262
After that, take my cousins
to the airport
148
00:06:21,331 --> 00:06:22,764
and pick up my other cousins
149
00:06:22,833 --> 00:06:24,866
at a different,
farther away airport.
150
00:06:24,935 --> 00:06:26,901
Then shovel and salt the walk.
151
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,681
Then shovel and salt
the driveway.
152
00:06:28,705 --> 00:06:31,172
Then shovel and salt
Mrs. Whitaker's driveway.
153
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,341
She's 96 and has no one
to help her.
154
00:06:33,409 --> 00:06:35,944
We need four netted bags
of cinnamon pinecones.
155
00:06:36,012 --> 00:06:39,180
Get the bags at Hobby Lobby
and the pinecones at Pier 1.
156
00:06:39,248 --> 00:06:40,927
Next, inflate the giant snowman
157
00:06:40,951 --> 00:06:42,283
and put it on our front lawn.
158
00:06:42,352 --> 00:06:44,552
The pump's broken, so you'll
have to do it by mouth.
159
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,788
Then it's just laundry,
take out the trash,
160
00:06:46,857 --> 00:06:48,957
and move the house
a little bit to the left.
161
00:06:49,025 --> 00:06:51,259
Ugh. Can I do
some of that tomorrow?
162
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,661
No, because tomorrow
we're going down to volunteer
163
00:06:53,730 --> 00:06:55,808
- at the homeless shelter.
- What time will you be back?
164
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,115
You're coming with us.
165
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:59,517
What? What does that
have to do with Christmas?
166
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,519
Peter, it's a holiday
of giving back.
167
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:02,954
Yeah, but bums?
168
00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:05,301
What kind of presents would
they possibly have for us?
169
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,492
Bags full of bags full of bags?
170
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,105
You know what, Peter,
I've had it.
171
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,795
I'm tired of your selfishness.
172
00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,848
It's setting a bad example
for our children.
173
00:07:12,916 --> 00:07:14,282
Kids, get your coats!
174
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,468
Oh, is this it?
Is this the divorce?!
175
00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:18,536
Coats? Where are
you guys going?
176
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,905
Every year, my parents
invite us to their house
177
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,574
to enjoy Christmas in Newport.
178
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:25,242
And every year, we don't go
because you don't want to.
179
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:26,778
Well, this year, I am going
180
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,880
and the kids are coming with me.
181
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,082
Go ahead!
I'm fine by myself!
182
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,185
I'll just watch
my Patrick Swayze movie
183
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:34,785
and take a too-full bath.
184
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,807
Aw, now I want to be
on that side.
185
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,244
Well, that didn't work.
186
00:07:43,313 --> 00:07:45,280
Now to take
a slidey-toilet-seat,
187
00:07:45,348 --> 00:07:46,647
soaking wet dump.
188
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,706
Merry Christmas, kids.
189
00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:57,375
Merry Christmas in Wonderland!
190
00:07:57,427 --> 00:07:59,160
Aha, ha!
191
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,129
I love you, Patrick Swayze.
192
00:08:06,636 --> 00:08:08,653
♪ ♪
193
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:16,160
Peter.
194
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:19,030
Peter Griffin!
195
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,683
Hello? Santa?
196
00:08:24,554 --> 00:08:25,987
Santa?
197
00:08:26,056 --> 00:08:29,324
You think Santa could fit into
a pair of 22-inch-waist jeans?
198
00:08:29,392 --> 00:08:30,891
Patrick Swayze?
199
00:08:30,961 --> 00:08:32,927
How is that even possible?
You're dead!
200
00:08:32,996 --> 00:08:35,930
Haven't you ever seen Ghost?
Peter, you're in trouble.
201
00:08:35,999 --> 00:08:37,631
So, I've come back to help you
202
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,667
recapture the true spirit
of Christmas.
203
00:08:39,735 --> 00:08:42,170
- Ghost House.
- Road House.
204
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:43,966
- Ghost Road.
- House House.
205
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,090
Road Ghost.
206
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:54,566
The ghost of Patrick Swayze!
I can't believe it!
207
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:56,434
I just want to
run through your hair
208
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,570
like a dog bouncing
in tall grass.
209
00:08:58,638 --> 00:09:00,321
Go ahead.
210
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:04,792
Yay!
211
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,833
That was awesome!
Hey, where are we?
212
00:09:11,902 --> 00:09:13,935
Peter, you've lost
your Christmas spirit,
213
00:09:14,004 --> 00:09:15,536
so I'm taking you on a journey
214
00:09:15,605 --> 00:09:17,772
to "Christmas Past" to find it.
215
00:09:17,841 --> 00:09:19,174
Oh, wow.
216
00:09:19,242 --> 00:09:22,076
Th-This is my old house
from when I was a little kid.
217
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,494
That's right, Peter.
218
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,874
I've taken you all the way back
219
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,298
to the year 1970/80/90.
220
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,033
I'll never forget that year,
221
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,935
when President Richard
Reagan Clinton
222
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,037
lied to the American people.
223
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,590
Hey, hey, that's me!
224
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,359
Look how skinny I am.
225
00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:40,612
Yay! It's Christmas!
226
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,179
And I made your favorite,
227
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,381
peanut butter chocolate
chip cookies.
228
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:45,950
Wow, these are all for me?!
229
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,485
Of course, Petey.
230
00:09:47,553 --> 00:09:49,954
It's Christmas;
everything's for you.
231
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,189
Yay! Cookies at 7:00 a.m.!
232
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,226
Thank you, careless parent!
I'm gonna eat 'em and hum!
233
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:01,065
See? Look how happy I was.
234
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,901
That's the Christmas spirit.
235
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:04,869
I haven't felt that in years.
236
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,882
Yeah, looks like your mom
really went out of her way
237
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,618
to make Christmas
special for you.
238
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,253
She sure did.
239
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,004
Oh, hey, look,
there's my friend Holden!
240
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,761
Merry Christmas, Peter!
241
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,296
He could still talk then.
242
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,931
I wonder what happened to him.
243
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,050
I gotta go!
I gotta go!
244
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,020
Hold it in!
Hold it in! Hold it in!
245
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:27,291
Hold it in! Hold it in!
246
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,827
Hold it in!
247
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:31,896
Hold in! Hold in!
248
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,547
Holden.
249
00:10:33,616 --> 00:10:35,394
You died before Game of Thrones,
250
00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:37,258
but a-a lot of people
will like that.
251
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,640
What is this?
Are we still in the past?
252
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,475
No, this is the present.
253
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:48,012
And I just want you to see
that not everyone in Quahog
254
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,580
has lost the Christmas spirit.
255
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,093
- Christmas!
- What's this?!
256
00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,161
- Coal!
- Why?!
257
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:53,585
- Bad!
- Aw!
258
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,090
Ho, ho, ho!
259
00:11:02,445 --> 00:11:03,878
Thank you, Santa!
260
00:11:05,382 --> 00:11:07,048
Daddy, you missed Santa.
261
00:11:07,117 --> 00:11:08,316
He was right here.
262
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:15,723
♪ ♪
263
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:39,147
♪ Night... ♪
264
00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:47,621
Wow, no wonder I don't see
Cleveland until New Year's.
265
00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:49,090
At least they're together.
266
00:11:49,159 --> 00:11:51,519
Well, I know one family that
isn't together for Christmas.
267
00:11:57,651 --> 00:11:59,784
That was a delicious meal,
Daddy.
268
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:02,420
You all laughed when
I suggested Boston Market.
269
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:03,922
Well, who's laughing now?
270
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:07,091
I guess I am.
271
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,138
All right, everyone,
grab your hot ciders
272
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,907
and gather around
the speakerphone.
273
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,797
It's time to call
my grandmother,
274
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:13,981
Nana Pewterschmidt.
275
00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:35,603
What did she say?
276
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,383
She wishes you
a merry Christmas.
277
00:12:37,407 --> 00:12:38,906
That's not what she said.
278
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,475
Time for figgy pudding!
279
00:12:40,544 --> 00:12:42,927
Yay!
280
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:44,907
Seems like they're having
a good time without you.
281
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,442
Oh, they're just
pretending to have fun.
282
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:47,565
I'm sure they miss me.
283
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,366
We should probably call Durd.
284
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,902
You mean Dad?
285
00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:53,103
No, the fat guy
who sleeps with Mom.
286
00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:54,505
You guys talking 'bout Durd?
287
00:12:55,959 --> 00:12:57,659
More champagne, miss?
288
00:12:57,727 --> 00:12:59,861
Miss? Oh, my!
289
00:12:59,930 --> 00:13:02,170
It's been a long time since
anybody's called me miss.
290
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,799
Wow!
Merry Christmas, huh?
291
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:07,334
Oh, Merry Chris-miss! Ha!
292
00:13:08,971 --> 00:13:11,839
Oh, my God, she's doing
that flirty laugh she does.
293
00:13:11,908 --> 00:13:13,386
It's subtle, but when
you've been married
294
00:13:13,410 --> 00:13:15,559
as long as we have,
you notice these things.
295
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:19,831
You're very funny, Lance.
296
00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:21,899
You're a very handsome,
funny man.
297
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,467
Now, let's see that penis!
298
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,496
Yeah, see, again,
if you read between the lines,
299
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,670
she's flirting.
300
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,550
Why, this isn't
a merry Christmas at all.
301
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:30,352
I don't like anything
you're showing me, Pat...
302
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,143
Oh, my God, they got Joe.
303
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:33,444
♪ Have you heard the story ♪
304
00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:35,090
♪ That they're telling'bout Bethlehem? ♪
305
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,715
♪ Have you heard the storyof the Jesus child? ♪
306
00:13:46,675 --> 00:13:49,476
You're not scaring me with
any of this, Patrick Swayze!
307
00:13:49,545 --> 00:13:51,090
And no matter what you show me,
308
00:13:51,114 --> 00:13:53,580
there's no way my family
won't be right back here
309
00:13:53,649 --> 00:13:55,494
spending Christmas
with me tomorrow!
310
00:13:58,955 --> 00:14:02,890
- ♪ Oh, my love... ♪
- Wha... Wh-Wh...
311
00:14:02,959 --> 00:14:04,191
What's happening?
312
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,627
I'm the Ghost of
Christmas Yet to Come.
313
00:14:06,695 --> 00:14:08,462
I'm shaping your future.
314
00:14:08,531 --> 00:14:10,898
And you will see...
315
00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:14,201
Oops. That's what happens when
I talk while I'm doing this.
316
00:14:15,538 --> 00:14:17,538
Is this how Jonah Hill was made?
317
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,901
I can't believe
our buddy's dead.
318
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,679
I know. And it's so sad,
319
00:14:24,747 --> 00:14:26,614
he left his family with nothing.
320
00:14:26,683 --> 00:14:29,717
Yeah, Lois had to sell
her clothes to get by.
321
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:32,219
I mean, I love having
this underwear, I just...
322
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,066
I just don't love why I have it.
323
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:36,024
God, it's so sad.
324
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:38,359
Who's this poor Benjamin
that just died?
325
00:14:38,427 --> 00:14:40,227
Nobody ever said Benjamin.
326
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:41,696
Poor, dead Benjamin.
327
00:14:41,765 --> 00:14:43,242
All right,
you're not getting it.
328
00:14:43,266 --> 00:14:45,026
Let me just take you
to your house.
329
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,291
Boy, I love the holiday season
with my husband
330
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:55,493
who's right upstairs,
just out of frame.
331
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,927
Oh, am I coming down?
332
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,374
Oh, please tell me
I lost the weight
333
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,747
and kept it off this time.
334
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,198
Merry Christmas!
335
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,067
Who's that guy?
336
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:05,335
That's Lois's
new husband, Lance.
337
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:06,704
Wow.
338
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,706
I finally had the guts
to leave her.
339
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:10,207
Good for you, Peter.
340
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:11,787
What about the kids?
How are they doing?
341
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:13,093
See for yourself.
342
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,996
All right, everybody,
I'm off to Colombia...
343
00:15:16,065 --> 00:15:17,581
Chris got into Columbia?
344
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:18,883
South America.
345
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,792
Where I will attempt
to smuggle drugs
346
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,221
back into the country
in my rectum.
347
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,456
Aw, I knew there was
some kind of rug-pull coming.
348
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,926
- And I'm off to Yale...
- The lock maker?
349
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:31,111
The lock maker, where
I have a minimum wage job.
350
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,347
All right, okay, yeah, I'm-I'm
getting ahead of these.
351
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:34,949
I'm going to Brown...
352
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:39,287
four boxes of Jimmy Dean pure
pork sausage for my breakfast.
353
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:42,022
Well, I'm proud all my kids
got into Ivy League puns,
354
00:15:42,091 --> 00:15:43,591
but what happened to Brian?
355
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,225
Hey, what's Brian doing
out here in the graveyard?
356
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,860
He usually sleeps
at the foot of my bed.
357
00:15:50,884 --> 00:15:52,049
He still does.
358
00:15:56,673 --> 00:15:58,172
Oh, my God!
359
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,407
I'm dead? But how?
360
00:16:00,476 --> 00:16:04,245
You died from a fire started
by your MILF-On-A-Shelf.
361
00:16:04,313 --> 00:16:06,347
Want to see some pictures
of my teenagers?
362
00:16:06,415 --> 00:16:08,716
No, Karen. Look, I haven't
watered my Christmas tree
363
00:16:08,785 --> 00:16:10,395
for a few weeks now,
so could you watch
364
00:16:10,419 --> 00:16:12,053
your really long cigarette,
please?
365
00:16:12,122 --> 00:16:14,233
Did I tell you I went
to the mall with my daughter
366
00:16:14,257 --> 00:16:16,157
and an employee
thought we were sisters?
367
00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,591
Yes, many times.
368
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,777
I don't understand.
369
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:22,046
Why didn't someone
in my family save me?
370
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:25,183
They went to Newport because
you wanted to be by yourself.
371
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,251
Remember?
372
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,686
Looks like you got
what you wanted.
373
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,587
Oh, my God, look, it's my ghost!
374
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,022
Not exactly.
375
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:33,624
Ugh, why do I smell so bad?
376
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:36,227
- Because I'm a dog fart now.
- What? Why?
377
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,808
Because that's what happens
when you lose your Christmas
spirit.
378
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,698
You spend all of eternity
as a dog fart.
379
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,401
- Was this in the book?
- Yes, it was an obscure
chapter
380
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:46,303
written during Dickens'
opium and spoiled lamb phase.
381
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:47,672
But how do I...
382
00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:49,206
Where'd... where'd he go?
383
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:51,609
Don't worry,
Brian's a 13-year-old dog.
384
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,578
You're around a lot.
385
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:56,447
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.
386
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,015
It's disgusting in there.
387
00:16:58,084 --> 00:17:00,629
He eats garbage and his own poo.
388
00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:03,187
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.
389
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,490
This is no life for a person.
390
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,925
Please, Peter,
he ate Lois's trash.
391
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,960
There's tampons in there!
392
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,929
- Please, Peter.
- Keep your Christmas spirit.
393
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,965
- Please, Peter.
- This is no life for a person.
394
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,167
- Please, Peter.
- I'm the tampon one.
395
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:17,935
No! No!
396
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,304
No!
397
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,240
No, please, spirits, no.
398
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:23,407
No!
399
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,977
Wh-Where am I?
What day is it?
400
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,847
All the porn girls
I follow on Instagram
401
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:32,516
have Santa hats on.
It must be Christmas!
402
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:35,086
Merry Christmas, P.O.V. Angie!
403
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:37,388
Merry Christmas,
triple-X underscore
404
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:39,423
Tara Kink underscore triple-X!
405
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,859
Merry Christmas
to all the thirst traps!
406
00:17:48,518 --> 00:17:49,917
Thanks, Grandpa.
407
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,285
This Christmas is perfect,
isn't it, Mom?
408
00:17:52,354 --> 00:17:55,089
Almost, Meg. Almost.
409
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,857
Yeah, it is,
410
00:17:56,926 --> 00:17:59,593
except every time Grandpa
bends over to get a present,
411
00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:01,261
his robe opens up.
412
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:03,330
Let's see, I think
this is for Chris.
413
00:18:04,818 --> 00:18:06,083
Good God!
414
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:09,053
Looks like two eggs
in an old handkerchief.
415
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,172
Merry Christmas, everybody!
416
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,458
- Peter!
- Durd! -Dad!
417
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,409
Oh, Peter, you did come.
418
00:18:15,478 --> 00:18:17,110
Yes, Lois, I'm here,
419
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,046
all loaded up
with Christmas spirit
420
00:18:19,114 --> 00:18:22,282
and a sack full of hastily
bought gifts from the CVS.
421
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,785
For Chris, a special
People magazine look-back
422
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,988
at Robin Williams,
'cause he killed himself.
423
00:18:27,056 --> 00:18:29,590
Wow, look how thick
the cover is.
424
00:18:29,659 --> 00:18:31,492
It's almost like a real book!
425
00:18:31,561 --> 00:18:34,461
For Stewie, a two-dollar
Styrofoam cooler.
426
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:36,797
Awesome!
I can probably fit 16...
427
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,365
Oh, the top blew away.
428
00:18:38,434 --> 00:18:40,635
For Brian,
a Rhode Island sweatshirt
429
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:43,954
with both "Rhode"
and "Island" misspelled!
430
00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,257
Wow, it hurts when I put it on!
431
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,325
And for my beloved wife,
432
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:51,662
a lawn chair that was 80% off
because it's winter.
433
00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:54,848
Oh, Peter, I can't wait
to drink outside in this.
434
00:18:54,918 --> 00:18:56,583
And finally, for Meg,
435
00:18:56,652 --> 00:18:58,920
a clock radio with an iPod jack
436
00:18:58,988 --> 00:19:01,172
for the iPods
they don't make anymore.
437
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,908
Dad, you've never bought me
anything before.
438
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,560
Are you sure this is for me?
439
00:19:06,629 --> 00:19:08,295
Of course, Meg, sweetie.
440
00:19:08,363 --> 00:19:10,681
It's Christmas;
everything is for you.
441
00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:15,052
I love you, Peter.
442
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,771
I love you, too, Lois.
443
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:20,625
And, Patrick Swayze,
thanks for helping me find
444
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,326
the true spirit of Christmas.
445
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,272
I wish there was some way
I could repay you.
446
00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:25,630
Who are you talking to?
447
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:27,732
Well, actually,
there's one thing in heaven
448
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,211
that Chris Farley
won't do with me.
449
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,602
I know exactly
what you're talking about.
450
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,438
- Hit it!
- Hit what?
451
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:42,413
♪ Everyone's watching ♪
452
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:46,316
♪ To see what you will do ♪
453
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:50,387
♪ Everyone's looking at you ♪
454
00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:52,890
♪ Oh ♪
455
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:56,961
♪ Everybody's workingfor the weekend ♪
456
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,649
♪ Everybody wants a new... ♪
457
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:05,476
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
458
00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:07,354
♪ For the weekend... ♪
459
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,590
Mom, what's he doing?
460
00:20:09,659 --> 00:20:10,891
I don't know, Chris.
461
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,304
Let-let's just keep
opening presents.
462
00:20:12,328 --> 00:20:13,827
He'll tire himself out.
463
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,013
Great idea.
Here's one for Meg.
464
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,750
And here's one for Stewie.
465
00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:21,919
And here's one
for my beautiful daughter.
466
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:23,627
Sweetie, come help me with this.
467
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:33,430
♪ Everybody's workingfor the weekend ♪
468
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:39,670
♪ Everybody wantsa new romance ♪
469
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:46,410
♪ Everybody's goingoff the deep end ♪
470
00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:52,583
♪ Everybody needsa second chance ♪
471
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,117
♪ Oh ♪
472
00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:56,287
♪ You want a pieceof my heart ♪
35187
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