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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:08,207
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,910
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:14,846
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,916
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:21,503
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,166
♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,890
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,962
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,584 --> 00:00:37,769
We now returnto Vedder Call Saul.
11
00:00:37,822 --> 00:00:39,766
♪ Hey, Saul ♪
12
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:42,191
♪ Got into a little troubleand I'm gonna need a lawyer ♪
13
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:43,725
♪ Hey-ey ♪
14
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,305
Okay, so tell me
exactly what happened.
15
00:00:45,329 --> 00:00:47,830
♪ I was driving ♪
16
00:00:47,898 --> 00:00:50,465
♪ Had a bit to drink and thenI ran into a milk truck ♪
17
00:00:50,534 --> 00:00:51,900
♪ Yeah-ah ♪
18
00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:53,202
Were you on drugs?
19
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:55,554
♪ "E" and blow. ♪
20
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,622
Turn that off. I'm mad at TV.
21
00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:58,990
Peter, what's wrong?
22
00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,560
Family Guy has been around
since 1999
23
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:03,806
and whenever it's time for the
Emmys, they don't give us one.
24
00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,230
I'm sick of it!
25
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,010
Well, I'm not making another
episode with The Simpsons.
26
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,111
What did that get us?
27
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:09,468
I'll tell you what it got us.
28
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,236
More ink for The Simpsons.
29
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,772
Yeah. "Simpsons plays down
to competition."
30
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,807
"Simpsons step
into the sewer."
31
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:17,842
"Shame on you, Simpsons."
32
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,678
Those lucky bastards.
33
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,880
Well, this week,
we do classy comedy.
34
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:22,981
Emmy comedy.
35
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,816
I think that's a great idea.
36
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:27,319
It's about time we made
some quality television
37
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,955
like Modern Family, Girls
and Transparent.
38
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,773
That's the spirit. Griffins,
39
00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:34,075
let's make this
our Emmy-winning episode.
40
00:01:34,144 --> 00:01:36,478
So get all your pukes
and farts out now.
41
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,801
I mean, I mean, I mean...
42
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:44,702
not funny.
43
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,838
♪ ♪
44
00:01:52,496 --> 00:01:55,898
Kids, it's me, tu madre,
Lois Griffin.
45
00:01:55,966 --> 00:01:57,265
Time for breakfast.
46
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,601
Oh, yeah.
47
00:01:59,670 --> 00:02:01,937
Good morning, Lois,
which is who you are.
48
00:02:02,006 --> 00:02:03,850
My wife, Lois.
Hugging my wife.
49
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:10,178
Package for Peter Griffin.
50
00:02:10,247 --> 00:02:12,313
Thank you,
unknown delivery woman.
51
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:13,581
Forget the freaking Emmy.
52
00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:15,312
If you touch her ass, I will...
53
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,703
"Amazon."
54
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:20,205
Ay, my Uncle Alejandro
lives in the Amazon.
55
00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:23,542
Do you think he has sent us
shoes made from banana leaves?
56
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,677
Boy, the, uh,
the ethnic characters
57
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:27,011
on these Emmy-winning shows
58
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,125
aren't exactly rocket
scientists, are they?
59
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,817
I don't know what you
talkin' about, Liz Lemon.
60
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:34,005
No, this is something
I ordered, for me.
61
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:39,324
I am a woman
and always have been.
62
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,353
I've made plans
to undergo surgery
63
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:44,190
so my wang
don't get in the way
of the woman what I am.
64
00:02:44,214 --> 00:02:46,013
Ay, dios mio.
65
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:48,194
Lois, I'll still be a parent
to our children.
66
00:02:48,218 --> 00:02:51,052
But now I'll be a trans-parent.
67
00:02:51,121 --> 00:02:52,920
Get it? Transparent?
68
00:02:52,989 --> 00:02:54,272
Clever pun, right?
69
00:02:56,326 --> 00:02:58,104
Please, honor me for my courage.
70
00:02:58,128 --> 00:03:00,128
♪ ♪
71
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:07,318
I think gender-reassignment
surgery is very brave
72
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,566
and the fat man should win
some kind of award for it.
73
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:10,590
The fat woman.
74
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:11,701
He hasn't chopped it off yet.
75
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:12,765
That doesn't matter.
76
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,638
Peter already
identifies as a woman.
77
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,907
And on karaoke night,
I identify as George Michael.
78
00:03:16,931 --> 00:03:18,363
That doesn't mean it's true.
79
00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:21,066
Brian's just mad because
he has to be the lady one.
80
00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:23,535
Which makes you the one
who's gay in real life.
81
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:27,105
Daddies, I'm standing
here, delivering my line
82
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,975
with more emotion
and less of a monotone
83
00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,945
than the actual Lily
on Modern Family.
84
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,414
I'm now confident enough
to share my truth
85
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:38,642
with the rest
of my loved ones,
beginning with my son, Chris.
86
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,804
Bazinga, Father.
87
00:03:42,873 --> 00:03:46,541
Assuming father is still
the appropriate designation.
88
00:03:46,609 --> 00:03:47,809
What-what are you doing?
89
00:03:47,878 --> 00:03:49,588
Waiting for the laugh
to die down.
90
00:03:49,612 --> 00:03:51,090
I'm here because I've decided
91
00:03:51,114 --> 00:03:53,381
to become the woman I am inside.
92
00:03:53,449 --> 00:03:55,950
Can you find it in your heart
to accept me?
93
00:03:56,019 --> 00:03:59,120
Oh, Dad, science has moved
so far past
94
00:03:59,189 --> 00:04:01,122
binary gender construction.
95
00:04:01,191 --> 00:04:03,169
And if being a woman
makes you happy,
96
00:04:03,193 --> 00:04:06,427
then in the words of Mr.
Spock, "It's only logical."
97
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,041
Wow, I couldn't
follow any of that,
98
00:04:08,065 --> 00:04:10,131
but look how smart
your audience is.
99
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,250
Ha-ha.
100
00:04:17,207 --> 00:04:18,673
Louis C.K.?
101
00:04:18,742 --> 00:04:19,742
Is that you?
102
00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:21,688
Yup. I'm a big fan of yours,
Peter.
103
00:04:21,712 --> 00:04:24,746
Wow, that's great because
if Louis C.K. likes something,
104
00:04:24,815 --> 00:04:26,592
- everyone has to.
- That's right.
105
00:04:26,616 --> 00:04:29,483
Well, I'm glad my popularity
has cooled off just enough
106
00:04:29,552 --> 00:04:31,164
that you were able
to get me to do this.
107
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:32,337
Bye, Peter.
108
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:36,374
Boy, he's not afraid
to go there, I'm told.
109
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:39,111
♪ ♪
110
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,224
- Norm!
- Norm!
- Norm!
111
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,614
Ative gender roles
have been turned upside down.
112
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,100
Correct, Quagmire.
113
00:04:45,169 --> 00:04:46,713
I'm going in for
gender-reassignment surgery.
114
00:04:46,737 --> 00:04:48,103
What the hell, Peter?!
115
00:04:48,172 --> 00:04:49,554
First my dad and now you?
116
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,701
Am-am I... is it...
am I doing this to people?
117
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,970
Is it... do you guys feel like
cutting off your penises?
118
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:58,263
No, but I can
turn it inside out
like rolling up a dress sock.
119
00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,942
You guys aren't
supporting my choice?
120
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:01,277
Well, what do you expect, Peter?
121
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,878
I-I mean a sex change operation?
122
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:04,068
Why are you doing this?
123
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,116
I'll tell you
why I'm doing all of this.
124
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,305
For me.
125
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,941
M-E. M-E.
126
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,894
I'm doing it for M-E.
127
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:19,951
Ew. I mean, yay!
128
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:29,494
Man or woman,
I'm a big fat joke.
129
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,496
No one takes me seriously.
130
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,498
I do, Dad.
131
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:37,852
You've inspired me
to nakedly eat this cake
in a weird place.
132
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,755
Thanks to you,
I now believe in me.
133
00:05:40,824 --> 00:05:42,023
Me.
134
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,458
M-E.
135
00:05:43,526 --> 00:05:45,893
I believe in M-E.
136
00:05:47,030 --> 00:05:49,030
Okay, okay, all right.
137
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,749
Don't want one that bad.
138
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:56,165
Peter, I'd like
to introduce the surgeon
139
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,251
who will perform
your procedure today.
140
00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,291
Dr. Wang Gon.
141
00:06:00,343 --> 00:06:03,377
Wow, I can't believe all you
guys came out to support me.
142
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,058
You guys aren't just
the best friends
I've ever had.
143
00:06:06,082 --> 00:06:08,883
You're also the best comedy.
144
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,112
- Aw.
- Aw.
- Aw.
145
00:06:13,157 --> 00:06:14,422
Great job, everyone.
146
00:06:14,491 --> 00:06:16,136
If that don't get us the Emmy,
nothing will.
147
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,804
Where do you think you're going?
148
00:06:17,828 --> 00:06:20,039
Doc, I'm not actually going
through with the operation.
149
00:06:20,063 --> 00:06:21,229
I'm going home.
150
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,342
We're doing this
whether you like it or not.
151
00:06:24,835 --> 00:06:27,135
Doc, no. Stop him!
Somebody help!
152
00:06:27,203 --> 00:06:28,931
You want the Emmy, don't you?
153
00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:31,757
And that is how
I became your mother.
154
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:39,642
So, the Emmy committee
155
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,244
watched our submission
for Best Comedy?
156
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:42,534
Uh-huh.
157
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:44,635
All right, thank you.
158
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,072
They hated it so much,
they gave us a negative Emmy.
159
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,440
We now owe them an Emmy.
160
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,276
The Emmys aren't fair.
161
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,522
I mean,
shows like Nurse Jackie
are basically dramas,
162
00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:55,341
but they get comedy awards
all the time.
163
00:06:55,365 --> 00:06:56,815
That's it.
164
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:59,217
We'll sneak
into the drama category.
165
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:02,954
That's how
we'll win the Emmy with dark,
confusing plot twists
166
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,517
like on Homeland or Mad Men.
167
00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:06,274
Ooh, or Breaking Bad.
168
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,143
Or Mr. Robot Chicken.
169
00:07:08,211 --> 00:07:09,977
No, Chris, it's Mr. Robot.
170
00:07:10,047 --> 00:07:11,812
- Chicken.
- Mr. Robot.
171
00:07:11,881 --> 00:07:13,826
- Chicken!
- No, no, Chris, you see,
172
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,184
Mr. Robot is a critically
acclaimed show.
173
00:07:16,253 --> 00:07:19,620
Robot Chicken is something
kids used to watch in 2006.
174
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,923
It's basically
four minutes of nonsense
175
00:07:21,991 --> 00:07:25,760
on at 1:00 in the morning
breaking up
personal injury ads.
176
00:07:25,828 --> 00:07:27,462
Chicken.
177
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:44,712
Please, don't.
178
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,200
Why... won't...
179
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,484
you... die?!
180
00:07:56,259 --> 00:07:57,892
Shh.
181
00:07:57,961 --> 00:07:59,460
Shh, that's right.
182
00:07:59,529 --> 00:08:00,929
I'm your dad.
183
00:08:00,997 --> 00:08:03,064
Your gentle, suburban dad.
184
00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:05,333
Oh, what a twist. Shh.
185
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,667
Hey, Dad.
186
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,147
Sure must be tough having a son
187
00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:10,338
with goofy noodle
legs like mine.
188
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:11,773
Chris, I love you
189
00:08:11,841 --> 00:08:14,041
no matter how useless
you are in a paddleboat.
190
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,358
Peter, those crows
keep getting in.
191
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,400
This whole house
is falling apart.
192
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:25,703
It's okay, my long-suffering,
quietly dissatisfied wife.
193
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:27,105
We'll get everything repaired.
194
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,806
How? We can't afford it.
195
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,786
We have to pay
for Chris's doctor bills
196
00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,244
and meds for our daughter
in the CIA.
197
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,782
Damn, she's good at her job.
198
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:39,895
How are we ever gonna
pay all these bills
199
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,730
that have been perfectly
ripped across the top
200
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,804
so the words
"past due" are visible?
201
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:45,357
Oh, I just thank God
202
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,403
there's no devastating
turn of events going on
203
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:48,927
that I don't know about.
204
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,684
- You have cancer.
- How long do I have to live?
205
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:57,085
One week.
206
00:08:57,154 --> 00:08:58,831
While I give the rest
of your diagnosis,
207
00:08:58,855 --> 00:09:00,566
I'm going to gradually
talk quieter,
208
00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:02,135
as if I'm growing distant
209
00:09:02,159 --> 00:09:04,842
to show how overwhelmed
you are by this news.
210
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,515
Yo, you five-o?
211
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,166
No, I'm 87.
212
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,768
But how flattering.
213
00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:33,421
Now, get me drugs,
scummy drug dealer.
214
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,224
You got it, mayor of our city.
215
00:09:38,962 --> 00:09:41,929
Mm. I wonder which of us
is the bigger criminal.
216
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,075
Oh, that's easy. You are.
217
00:09:43,099 --> 00:09:44,677
Hey, can you teach me
to sell drugs?
218
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:47,468
Hold up.
Are you wearing a The Wire?
219
00:09:47,537 --> 00:09:49,770
No. I need money
for sympathetic reasons
220
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,717
and I have no other option
than crime.
221
00:09:51,741 --> 00:09:54,909
I mean, I could sell stuff
on eBay, but... shipping.
222
00:09:54,977 --> 00:09:57,312
Well, I am pulling
a heist at a meth lab.
223
00:09:57,380 --> 00:09:59,258
I suppose I could use the help.
224
00:09:59,282 --> 00:10:00,815
Great! You won't regret this.
225
00:10:00,883 --> 00:10:02,295
When it comes to selling drugs,
226
00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:03,663
you and me will be a better team
227
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,920
than the old lady's
eyeballs on Downton Abbey.
228
00:10:05,988 --> 00:10:09,057
I'm looking way over
in this direction.
229
00:10:09,126 --> 00:10:12,460
And I'm looking way over here.
230
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,830
That way we can see all
the awards flying at us.
231
00:10:15,899 --> 00:10:18,066
Here comes one now.
232
00:10:18,135 --> 00:10:20,701
Best Cutaway.
233
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,864
Remember, kill anything
that moves.
234
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,999
- Even a kid?
- Especially a kid.
235
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,913
You got to kill a kid
at least once a season
to make people go,
236
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:40,371
"Oh, I can't believe
they killed a kid."
237
00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:42,306
Let's go.
238
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:48,980
Wait, we did this already.
239
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,414
G-Go back.
240
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,816
Or-Or forward?
241
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,234
I'm-I'm lost.
242
00:10:55,372 --> 00:10:57,338
♪ ♪
243
00:11:10,987 --> 00:11:12,303
I'll get help!
244
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,779
Brian, call off
this drone strike,
245
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,181
Dad needs us.
246
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,378
Damn it, Meg, we're about to
take out the head of ISIS!
247
00:11:25,402 --> 00:11:27,013
Hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
248
00:11:27,037 --> 00:11:28,915
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
249
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:31,034
- Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
- Okay, you've made your point.
250
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,324
You're lucky you're
so good at your job.
251
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,875
Wha...?
252
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,719
That was badass how it went
from the guy burning up
253
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:04,122
to the barbecue, right?
Best Director.
254
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:06,202
Hey, Peter, I was thinking
about this Emmy thing.
255
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,593
What's the most acclaimed
drama of all time?
256
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:09,738
- The Sopranos.
- Right.
257
00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:11,140
And what's the most
memorable moment
258
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,748
- in the history of that show?
- Well, I'd have to say...
259
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:18,819
♪ ♪
260
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,734
Nice briefcase full of cash.
261
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:33,501
Where'd you get the money for
a briefcase like that, Peter?
262
00:12:33,569 --> 00:12:34,969
I want in.
263
00:12:35,038 --> 00:12:38,172
I need the money to pay off
my mysterious boss, Mr. Robot.
264
00:12:38,241 --> 00:12:39,685
Chicken!
265
00:12:39,709 --> 00:12:41,109
Chris, get back in the house!
266
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,307
My whole plan,
267
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:47,599
fallin' apart like a...
house of cards.
268
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,579
You know, growing up in Gaffney,
269
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:52,103
my daddy always said,
"Turn the other cheek."
270
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,071
Kevin Spacey always said,
271
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:57,041
"I was just walkin' my dog
in that park at 3:00 a.m."
272
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,887
I don't trust either one of 'em.
273
00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:02,013
I suppose it's time
to tell my wife the truth.
274
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:03,414
Like a man.
275
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:08,186
And then I sold all the drugs...
276
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:11,222
'cause the doctor
said I had the cancer...
277
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,723
and I killed the guys,
278
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,226
and Joe took all the mon...
The money!
279
00:13:17,581 --> 00:13:19,480
I see.
280
00:13:21,084 --> 00:13:22,883
Are... are you leavin' me?
281
00:13:22,952 --> 00:13:24,268
No, Peter.
282
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,604
I'm helping you kill that cop.
283
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:29,923
Because I'm darker than you
and the audience ever thought!
284
00:13:29,992 --> 00:13:31,742
What a twist.
285
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:35,013
For five long years,
orange was my new black.
286
00:13:37,534 --> 00:13:39,700
Peter, I don't care
if it's drug money.
287
00:13:39,769 --> 00:13:41,547
I have grown accustomed
to Hulu Plus.
288
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,011
If you think I'm going back
to regular Hulu, you're crazy!
289
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,484
We don't even watch
that much Hulu.
290
00:13:45,508 --> 00:13:47,475
I still want it just in case!
291
00:13:47,544 --> 00:13:50,089
Now take off all your clothes
so we don't
get blood on 'em...
292
00:13:50,113 --> 00:13:52,713
when we kill that cop
in the desert.
293
00:13:52,782 --> 00:13:56,201
Oh, the beginning
all makes sense now.
294
00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:11,549
Why... won't... you... die?!
295
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,255
♪ ♪
296
00:14:38,227 --> 00:14:40,528
♪ ♪
297
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:43,647
Whoa!
298
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,449
I did not see that coming.
299
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:47,162
One more.
Let's watch one more.
300
00:14:47,186 --> 00:14:48,519
Well, hold on.
301
00:14:48,587 --> 00:14:49,887
Like all television viewers,
302
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,533
our first priority
before deciding
303
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,890
to continue watching a show
304
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:55,204
should be whether or not
it features enough diversity.
305
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,010
I felt very well-represented.
306
00:14:57,079 --> 00:14:58,579
Aw, I'm glad, honey.
307
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,047
Mmm.
308
00:15:00,115 --> 00:15:02,500
Hey, thanks for letting me
come over, you guys.
309
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,810
Telegram for Mr. Griffin.
310
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:14,178
Thank you, someone's nephew.
311
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,524
Would you mind
reading it out loud
312
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,164
for maximum old-timey effect?
313
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:20,000
"To P. Griffin, from the
Emmy Board of Governors.
314
00:15:20,069 --> 00:15:21,636
"Dear Mr. Griffin, stop.
315
00:15:21,705 --> 00:15:24,016
"We understand
you've been attempting
to win an Emmy, stop.
316
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,006
Stop, stop." Is that all?
317
00:15:26,075 --> 00:15:27,753
No, there's another
from Fleetwood Mac.
318
00:15:27,777 --> 00:15:28,843
"Don't stop, stop.
319
00:15:28,911 --> 00:15:30,255
Thinking about
tomorrow, stop."
320
00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:31,691
And here's one
from The Supremes.
321
00:15:31,715 --> 00:15:33,392
"Stop, stop.
In the name of love, stop."
322
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:34,482
Are you finished?
323
00:15:34,551 --> 00:15:35,961
Are you asking me to stop, stop?
324
00:15:35,985 --> 00:15:37,902
Peter, close the door.
325
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:38,986
Well, that's it.
326
00:15:39,055 --> 00:15:40,765
We didn't get Best Drama either.
327
00:15:40,789 --> 00:15:41,889
This is hopeless.
328
00:15:41,957 --> 00:15:43,141
We've tried everything.
329
00:15:44,227 --> 00:15:45,827
No, Lois, we haven't.
330
00:15:45,895 --> 00:15:49,096
But that's just what
we're gonna do: everything!
331
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:51,966
We're gonna try for
every single Emmy category.
332
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,063
Starting with
Best Stunt Performance.
333
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,120
Aah!
334
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,600
Peter, I don't think
that's a category.
335
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:58,956
Oh, okay.
336
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,858
Best Documentary.
337
00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:02,209
Aah!
338
00:16:02,278 --> 00:16:04,445
♪ ♪
339
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,248
Chris
is playing my dummy nephew.
340
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,772
Our family actually lines up
really well for this.
341
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,707
Best Competitive Reality Show!
342
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,026
♪ ♪
343
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,948
- Peter, you're out.
- I'm off the show?
344
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,817
No, your penis is out.
345
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:28,163
- You're in.
- I'm in?
346
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,554
No, urine is running
down your leg.
347
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,107
Outstanding Casting
for a Comedy Series!
348
00:16:33,176 --> 00:16:35,743
Okay, so the deal is,
I get girls like you jobs.
349
00:16:35,811 --> 00:16:38,045
The jobs pay $1,000
to $5,000 a day.
350
00:16:38,114 --> 00:16:39,480
I'm recording this interview.
351
00:16:39,549 --> 00:16:41,393
And then I send the
demo tape to producers,
352
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:42,794
and if they like you,
they're gonna hire you.
353
00:16:42,818 --> 00:16:44,580
Have you done anything
like this before?
354
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,637
Never. This is my first time.
355
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,351
All right, now, a lot
of these scenes are gonna be
356
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,152
you interacting
with someone else,
357
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,020
so I'll just come around
and read with you.
358
00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:53,456
Now,
since I'm holding the camera,
359
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,913
I'm gonna need some help
with my belt buckle.
360
00:16:55,965 --> 00:16:58,799
And there you have it,
Family Guy reaches a new low
361
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:02,102
as it grovels and begs
for a meaningless award.
362
00:17:02,171 --> 00:17:04,382
I would say they've got
about as much chance
of winning an Emmy
363
00:17:04,406 --> 00:17:08,008
as the Republican Party has
of accomplishing something.
364
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,706
Peter, over here.
365
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,616
♪ ♪
366
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,787
Bill Maher? What are you doing
not smirking outside a church?
367
00:17:20,856 --> 00:17:22,334
Uh, yeah, I was just doing that.
368
00:17:22,358 --> 00:17:24,592
Uh, look, Peter,
I'm here for two reasons:
369
00:17:24,661 --> 00:17:27,595
first, to find out who that
Asian girl was on the couch,
370
00:17:27,664 --> 00:17:29,229
and second, to tell you that
371
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:33,100
Family Guy will never,
ever win an Emmy.
372
00:17:33,169 --> 00:17:34,529
Okay, first of all,
that was Asa Akira.
373
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,020
I think you knew that.
374
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,600
Second, are you sayin'
there's a conspiracy
against us?
375
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,541
Follow the Emmy.
376
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:44,078
♪ ♪
377
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,407
It's back this way.
378
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,810
And who was that
Asian girl on the couch?
379
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,528
I think you knew who that was.
380
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,833
To convey this moment of shock
381
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:23,813
at the depth
of the conspiracy around me,
382
00:18:23,837 --> 00:18:27,037
here's Ryan O'Neal
in the movie
Tough Guys Don't Dance.
383
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,440
Oh, man.
384
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:30,908
Oh, God. Oh, man.
385
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:32,242
Oh, God.
386
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:33,627
Oh, man.
387
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:35,563
Oh, God. Oh, man.
388
00:18:35,631 --> 00:18:38,282
Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, God!
389
00:18:43,472 --> 00:18:44,516
Peter, there you are.
390
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,018
I've been calling you all night.
391
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,086
Where the hell have you been?
392
00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:48,175
No time to explain.
393
00:18:48,244 --> 00:18:50,010
This Emmy thing goes deep.
394
00:18:50,079 --> 00:18:52,479
The same people win year
after year after year.
395
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:55,049
It's like there's
some kind of secret society
396
00:18:55,118 --> 00:18:57,563
that takes all the awards
and is keepin' us
from getting one.
397
00:18:57,587 --> 00:18:59,770
Yeah, I know.
They're all here to see you.
398
00:19:01,006 --> 00:19:02,568
Hello, Peter.
399
00:19:02,592 --> 00:19:03,791
The Michelin Man?
400
00:19:03,859 --> 00:19:04,925
You're part of this?
401
00:19:04,994 --> 00:19:08,261
No, I'm two-time
Emmy-winner Alec Baldwin.
402
00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:10,241
Peter, stop snooping
around the Emmys.
403
00:19:10,265 --> 00:19:11,364
Yeah, butt out.
404
00:19:11,433 --> 00:19:12,633
It's none of your business.
405
00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:14,268
Well, why not, Julie Bowen?
406
00:19:14,336 --> 00:19:16,454
Huge fan, by the way.
Just huge.
407
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:17,588
What are you hiding?
408
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,123
What's the big, secret reason
409
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,032
Family Guy can't win an Emmy?
410
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:24,895
All right, we'll tell you.
411
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,897
Your show sucks.
412
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:29,094
Peter,
I'm famous writer
Aaron Sorkin.
413
00:19:29,118 --> 00:19:30,267
Walk and talk with me.
414
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,547
You wouldn't know
my work because
415
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,604
I don't write
for Juggs magazine.
416
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,584
Let me explain "writing" to you.
417
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,670
You can't take a scene
from Ferris Bueller,
418
00:19:37,694 --> 00:19:40,328
cross out the name "Ferris,"
and replace it with "Peter."
419
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:43,731
And the racial stuff on your
show is just embarrassing.
420
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,416
You have people of color
voiced by white actors.
421
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:48,052
- No!
- Yes!
422
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,619
Hell, I'm Shonda Rhimes,
423
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,889
and I'm being voiced
by a white actor.
424
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:53,140
And worst of all,
425
00:19:53,209 --> 00:19:55,609
you take this
big pile of garbage,
426
00:19:55,678 --> 00:19:59,080
and you tie it all up
by having everyone
sit around saying,
427
00:19:59,148 --> 00:20:01,215
"At least everything's
back to normal,"
428
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:03,049
as if something happened.
429
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,852
When nothing happened!
430
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,772
It was a complete waste
of everyone's time!
431
00:20:14,313 --> 00:20:16,473
Well, I'm glad all
this Emmy nonsense is over
432
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:18,082
and things are back to normal.
433
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:19,316
Yeah, me, too.
434
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:20,851
You know, I may not get Emmys,
435
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,154
but I do get the best award
of all: my family.
436
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,357
And this e-mail
from a young fan.
437
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,204
"Dear sir, your show helped me
438
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:30,268
when I was going
through chemotherapy."
439
00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:31,862
Aw.
440
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,576
"My favorite episode
was when Homer
stays home from church..."
441
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,111
Ah, damn it, he thinks
we're The Simpsons.
442
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:38,202
Hey, what do you say,
one last try?
443
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:39,271
Why not?
444
00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:40,704
Ladies and gentlemen,
445
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:44,075
please enjoy this spectacular,
live-action chicken fight,
446
00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:45,443
starring Ty Burrell.
447
00:20:45,511 --> 00:20:46,894
Good night!
448
00:20:49,031 --> 00:20:51,499
Shh. Shh.
449
00:20:55,237 --> 00:20:57,388
I don't have
any more room in my house.
32714
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