I was diagnosed as a high functioning
psychopath when I was 15 years old
for several months I underwent an
extensive diagnostic process a handful
of diplod doctors were involved
with each doctor came a new bag I did
neuropsych test personality tests brain
scans social interviews and had my
childhood analyzed incessantly it wasn't
a quick snap diagnosis it was something
that was arrived at over an extended
period of time
I'm not the Dahmer kind of psychopath
the animal abuser the killer I have a
therapist I always have I'm working on
my blunted emotions
in the most basic definition I'm
detached from everything that normal
people are attached to
what a superpower
sometimes I think being a psychopath is
the best thing that's ever happened to
me
but then I got this love letter
and now it feels like the worst
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I received a love letter today from
Sadie Smith a new friend
my only friend at the moment we met
about a month ago at Saints bookstore
and now she wants to date me she
professed her feelings
maybe I'm irresistible after losing 15
pounds and getting contacts
I run so I can smoke
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I smoke because I have oral fixations
I tried sucking dick but let's face it
I'm a girl's girl
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my therapist says all Psychopaths wear
masks
then again my therapist says a lot of
stupid [ __ ]
it's true that I feel the need to blend
in
if I behaved or said the things I was
actually contemplating
[ __ ] people are stupid to think that
Psychopaths don't have emotions I feel
things my emotions are just turned down
sure I don't feel things as intensely as
most women my age I mean they cry at
everything greeting cards and
three-legged mutts when they're fling of
two weeks breaks up with them or if they
watch an especially captivating sunset
I mean they cry if you look at them
wrong
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okay [ __ ] you
emotions rarely serve humans
so what's all the fuss with having so
many of them
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I'm smart really smart but not all
psychopaths are
in fact the majority of them are stupid
they rob liquor stores or sloppily buy
and sell drugs and that's why they spend
most of their lives in prison
I don't need to break the law to get
what I want
my parents cried over me a lot as a
child
I emancipated myself at 16.
I didn't like watching them cry
foreign
I see every loss as a relief one less
ball and chain weighing me down and one
less person to disappoint
most people equate family with love
but I equate it with Duty
a duty that I feel no natural
inclination toward
s
and now I have to consider the ultimate
love
romantic love
cue the [ __ ]
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foreign
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foreign
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the truth
then she'll understand
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hi you
[ __ ]
she's so pretty it almost hurts
I like Sadie because she's beautifully
bizarre and because she likes me for
some reason
and I don't really have friends so I
can't be too picky Sadie is my first
friend in a long time I like your hair
Sharp
Sadie is everything I'm not
maybe that's why I like spending time
with her
she could toss a book bag down without
getting anxious about the shifted items
inside
I love your place she's so comfortable
in her skin in any setting and here I am
wearing a suit inside my own home
you seem nervous
no definitely not
I'm joking chill
right
sorry
can you come sit
it's time for me to take over
control the outcome
saying
I appreciate the letter you hid in my
jacket pocket that was sneaky
but
you can't love me
don't tell me what to do
I didn't mean it that way
I'm just saying I don't think it's a
good idea for you to have feelings for
me feelings that I can't reciprocate
you don't think I'm cute no
I do you're one of the prettiest women
I've ever seen
my childhood traumas made me too weird
huh
I like that you're weird
well then what
what is it
oh God here it comes
the disaster
I'm a psychopath
I know
but
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figured you were either a psychopath
sociopath or autistic she knew okay so
then you know I'm not emotionally all
there I'm not correct for you she's
laughing at me I see the way you look at
me
everyone looks at you yeah but
you look at me like I'm special you are
special objectively
you're the only person in my life
at the moment but I don't know why you'd
want to date me
I want to date you because I like you
a lot I feel like I'd have a lot to
catch up to
and that's stressful you'll get there
just
give it a chance
what if I can't get there
I don't think I can get there you're
going to
I'm going to make you feel
you deserve to experience love too
love
Sadie wants me to fall in love with her
just try with me
I don't think it's a good idea I think
you'll get hurt
that's a risk I'm willing to take
be my girlfriend Andra
girlfriend
thank you you want to kiss me
yes
and kiss me as a yes
this is bad
I shouldn't kiss her
I shouldn't
and just like that Sadie and I started
dating
Sadie said the only way this would work
is if I threw myself all in
so I have
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we do all kinds of couple like things we
go on aimless walks we go on Hikes we
eat almost every meal together
we hang out with Sadie's friends
Sadie's friends have now become my
friends
I think I'm strange but Sadie doesn't
seem to care
because Sadie is also strange
we thought we came here to nap
I'm decorating you like a king
I feel like I'm being entombed
good
do you dream
when I go off the grid it drives Sadie
nuts
she sends a million texts
relationships are stressful I'm learning
but there are moments of calm
like this one
but then Sadie will ask me something
like what are you thinking about right
now women realize the power of the Mind
aware that a whole world exists up there
by asking they're interjecting
themselves into your world more
frequently they're hoping they're on
your mind and by default they now are so
I tell Sadie she's on my mind
I'm thinking about you
What specifically
[ __ ]
romantic
thank you
cheers
to she's leaving space for me to say
something cute why doesn't she just say
something cute if she wants this moment
to be cute two
us
to us
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Sadie is being sensual on purpose
you know
we haven't slept together yet
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I'm aware
is that because you've never slept with
a woman before
I should lie
I sleep with women all the time
hmm
she doesn't believe me
take off your shirt
right
go to my bedroom and wait for me
yes ma'am
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my therapist says I shouldn't have sex
that it's not fair to the other person
whatever
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she looks like she's trying
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turns in hell
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before you know it we're [ __ ] all the
time
everywhere
places we shouldn't
often enough that I should have a PhD in
sex with Sadie foreign
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Sadie looks good pressed against the
wall
even better pressed against a shallow
wall
sometimes I wonder what Sadie's thinking
when we [ __ ]
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but then I think
it's better not to ask
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have you ever slow danced with anyone
before there's no point in lying here
she knows
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no
to tell you isn't it funny that it's
called slow dancing
why
we're moving slowly just what
but everything inside me is moving so
fast
head
my heart oh God she's looking at me the
way Noah looks at Ally throughout the
entirety of The Notebook
I would argue that as a psychopath I'm
more tuned Into The Human Condition if
anything I play the game better than
emotional people it's simple objectivity
is power emotions are weakness emotions
basically confuse and blur everything I
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humans are in search of the reaction
they want rather than the truth once you
understand this you can excel at Being
Human
Sadie is telling me she loves me in
reaction she wants me to say it back
if I don't say it back it will hurt her
I love you too
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oxytocin is how you feel a lot of things
namely love Psychopaths don't process
oxytocin like neurotypicals do it's
confusing that Sadie gets to feel love
and I don't
I want to be where she is
it seems nice there
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I'm aware that my voice sounds monotone
sometimes I try to add emotion and
emphasis when I speak but it either
makes me sound condescending or stupid
this ice cream is good
being sarcastic
no it's good
okay
you are so cute
and Sadie is kind
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we do this for hours sometimes
Sadie thinks we're bonding but
Psychopaths can't bond to anything not
to significant others their children or
pets
and when she wants it really bad I find
myself wanting to comply
please
it's easier that way
I feel so close to you
I like the time we spend together
I'm trying not to lie as much
I love you
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hey I love you
but sometimes
you regret not lying
Sadie ran hot for me always she came
into my life roaring and passionate so
something I never calculated as smart as
I am was that she could go cold
that the dramatic highs could sweep down
to the lowest lows sure I'm a psychopath
but she's a twisted love addict a
heartbreaker a snake you said that you
loved me
and from my understanding of love you
don't just end things with someone you
love it's not that I don't love you
I do
it's just
you don't give enough
I know you never will
you made me do this
you made me be in a relationship so I'm
not having the exact emotional reaction
that you want me to have so now it's
over don't say it like that that's
exactly what it is
I don't want it to be over
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it has to be you don't really love me
you were right
never should have done this
I should have known better
where did you go
you were here
what are you talking about
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look I gotta go
so a bit much
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how could she do this
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cry
I'm not going to [ __ ] cry
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[Laughter]
it's 80. how could you
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