All language subtitles for Gomer Pyle U S M C S03E06 How to Succeed in Farming Without Really Trying 1080p BluRay FLAC2 0 H 264-BTN_track5_[eng]

[marching band plays]

[male announcer] Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton
as Sergeant Carter.

[jolly music]

Excuse me!

Well, Mistress Mary,
how does your garden grow today?

Hi, Sergeant Carter. Corporal Boyle.

The garden's coming along just fine.

See those little leaves there? Radishes.
And do you know what?

In about three weeks, they'll be
on our mess hall table, ready to eat.

Think of that.
Little leaves, and one day real soon,

there'll be a little red crunchy feller!

Wonderful. Pyle,
you're a Marine right now, not a farmer.

What should you be doing
right this minute,

instead of standing around here
waiting for a radish to be born?

Well, nothing, Sergeant. I finished
all my chores back at the barracks.

- Yeah?
- Absolutely.

That's the reason I got permission to have
this here garden in the first place -

as long as I wouldn't let it interfere
with my Marine work,

and I haven't let it interfere with
my Marine work. You can be sure of that.

You better not, Pyle. Let's go, Boyle.

Hey, Sergeant Carter?
Look here at my collards.

They're already up out of the ground.
Did you ever taste collards?

Some people call them tree cabbage.

They're the best vegetable
you ever tasted,

especially if you cook 'em
with a little ham hock.

How about that? Come on.

Hey, Sergeant,
look over here at my watermelons.

Some of 'em are as big as my fist
in less than two weeks.

That's cause I raised 'em up on the mound

and treated 'em
with some special fertilizer.

MacEvoy's Super Nitrate's the best.

Grandpa Pyle says it gets to the roots
faster than anything else will.

Well, what do you know?
It gets right to 'em, huh?

That's right. MacEvoy's Super Nitrate.
It's sold in all the better feed stores.

Yeah? And what have they got to
put over yourself so I can get to you?

- Huh?
- Pyle, permission or no permission,

you get back to the barracks,
like, right now!

We got an inspection in ten minutes.

- Move it! Move it!
- Right, Sergeant.

Radishes, watermelons... Brother!

- Well, why does it bug you?
- It just does!

A garden on a Marine base?
Did you ever hear of that?

What kinda job is that for a Marine, huh?

Well, he says it's not interfering
with his duties.

You want a bet? Besides, I've seen some
of Pyle's garden work and I don't like it.

Huh? What garden work?

That pumpkin he's got for a head!
I don't like it!

Not bad, Matthews, not bad.
Watch them corners.

Okay, Farmer Brown,
let's see how well prepared you are!

All right, Pyle, what is this,
some kinda joke?

- What's that stuff you got in there?
- Summer squash. Summer squash and chard.

The chard's the one
with the little curly leaves.

Get it out, Pyle, get it out!

Well, I can't, Sergeant.

You can't? Did I hear you right?
You can't?

On account of they're heat-loving.

- They're what?
- That's right.

They need warmth and shelter
just like they was a little baby,

else they'll die.

Just one night of frost will do it.
Honest, Sergeant, they'll die.

Really? Well, we all have to go sometime.

- Please don't ask me to take 'em out.
- Pyle!

You wouldn't want that on your conscience,
would you?

Don't worry about it, Pyle. I'll see that
your squash gets a decent burial.

Summer squash! There's a difference.

You can tell the difference by the leaves.

- Knock it off! Just get it outta here!
- Well, yes, Sergeant.

And I'm sorry, I don't mean for my garden
to upset you like it seems to.

I suppose you got a horse and plow
in here.

For the love of Pete!

Can you believe it?! Can you believe it?!

All right, Pyle, that does it.

If you're gonna act like a knucklehead,
I'll treat you like a knucklehead!

No. Check that. Like two knuckleheads.

But first, get that junk
out of your footlocker, but fast!

- But, Sergeant...
- Out!

Atten-hut! As you were.

- [Carter] Afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon, Sergeant.

- Where are you taking those?
- Well, out, sir.

- Out? Where?
- Just out, sir. Anywhere.

- Don't do that.
- Sir?

That's summer squash and chard in there,
isn't it?

That's what it is, all right, sir.

Well, you set summer squash out
on the kind of nights we've been having

- and they wouldn't stand a chance!
- Sir?

- Well, they'd die. Every one of them.
- That's what I told the sergeant!

Those were my exact words, wasn't it,
Sergeant?

How's your garden coming along?

Well, the watermelons and the radishes
are doing real fine.

I think it's that fertilizer I'm using -

MacEvoy's Super Nitrate.
Oh, it's a marvel!

Good!
By the way, Pyle, this is Captain Shanley,

- our Base Public Information Officer.
- Sir.

- Pyle.
- He heard about your garden

and wanted to take a look so he can send
a photographer down from the local paper.

You know, "Tough Marine Cultivates Garden
in Spare Time."

Captain Shanley thought it might make
a good human interest story.

Well, yes, sir! I'd be glad to.

It's right out here in the back,
right this way.

My, my, a local newspaper!

Might even get you a national release
on it, you never know.

Carry on!

Well, what do you say to that?

I say, "Don't put your summer squash out,
and always use MacEvoy's Super Nitrate."

- Where is Pyle? Gardening?
- Right.

A farmer I got on my hands!
Can you believe it?

Not a Marine, a farmer!

Vince, it's with the colonel's blessings.
Relax. The colonel is a gardener himself.

Yeah, but Pyle? Pyle, of all people?
Pyle?

You think he'll really grow anything?

Sure! Sure, he will.

I can just see what a meathead like Pyle
will grow!

Like a circular carrot!

Or maybe a potato with no eyes,
just noses!

You can't tell.
He sounds like he knows what's he doing.

Sure! Sure! Just wait.

You think nothing will come up
the way he expects it to?

I'll bet on it.
You give Pyle a watermelon seed

and I'll lay you ten to one...

Wait a minute!

- Wait just a minute.
- Huh?

What you just said about nothing coming up
the way Pyle expected it to,

- it just gave me a brainstorm.
- What do you mean?

Sure, it's a natural!

Hey, how would you like
to play a trick on Pyle, huh?

- Like what, for instance?
- You'll see.

All you gotta do is go down to the market

and get the biggest watermelon
you can find. One with a stem.

- Stem?
- Right.

And last but not least,

get a big bottle of vodka
and bring it back.

Vodka?

I think I can understand the watermelon,
but what's the vodka for?

Here, get it, get it. You'll see.

There we go. Just like the good old days.

It's called plugging a watermelon.

[Boyle] So that's how it's done.

The cheapest party a guy could throw!

Two bits for the melon,
a coupla bucks for the booze -

presto, instant refreshments!

Tastes wild, just wild.

I've heard of a Bloody Mary,
I've heard of a screwdriver,

but vodka and watermelon,
what do they call that?

- Huh? It's the all-purpose drink.
- What?

You can eat it, drink it,
wash your face in it and get smashed,

- all at the same time!

That's beautiful, Vince. Beautiful.

Yeah. Now, see how the plug fits back
nice and neat?

You can't even tell
where it's been cut out.

Hey, you're right, I can't!

Now, we just set this bomb
in Pyle's watermelon patch and wait.

Listen, Vince, I think it's a funny gag,
but I'm not sure I get the point.

- What are you gonna accomplish with it?
- What am I gonna accomplish?

I'm gonna accomplish
the end of Pyle's gardening, that's what.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

He just gets a taste of a watermelon
that he grew. He wakes up drunk.

Pyle's never been drunk before.
He wonders what hit him.

And I tell him he's been poisoned.

I point out that's the risk you run

when you grow anything in this here soil
around here.

Presto. End of gardening!

Aren't you going to a lot of trouble?
Why don't you make him give up the garden?

Why?
He's liable to complain to the colonel.

Believe me,
I'm doing this for his own good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

Come on.
It's time to take baby home to roost!

[jolly music]

goll-II-lly!

Golly! Golly!

Sergeant Carter!

Sergeant Carter!

- Here he comes.
- Right on schedule.

Come on, come on, look busy,
like you don't know from nothing!

[Boyle types loudly]

Wait till you see, Sergeant!
Wait till you see!

Huh? What's up? Wait till I see what?

Just look at that! Just look at that!

Pyle, where did you get that?
From the mess hall?

No. I found it out in my garden
this morning. It was growing.

You're kidding?

No.
I found it in my melon patch just now!

That thing grew in your garden?

Boyle, look at that!

Oh, boy, Pyle.
You really must have a green thumb.

A green thumb? A green arm,
all the way up to the shoulder!

There's just one thing I can't figure out,
is how it grew so fast?

All the other melons out there on the vine
are just about that big.

And practically overnight, too.

It don't make no sense at all.

- Wait a minute! I know what it is.
- You do?

- Sure. That Macintosh stuff.
- Huh?

You know, that super-duper fertilizer
you've been using.

- MacEvoy's Super Nitrate?
- That's it.

I'll bet you instead of spreading out,
it concentrated all in one place

so that only one melon
got all the vitamins.

- Gosh, Sergeant, I don't know.
- Sounds logical to me.

Of course it's logical!
Let's face it, Pyle,

nobody is perfect
when it comes to spreading fertilizer.

Not even a natural-born farmer
like yourself

is perfect every time out, right?

Well, no, sir, I guess not.

- And this melon here proves it.
- So there you are.

The only thing that really matters

is that you've grown yourself
a prize-winning watermelon.

- How about that?
- Thank you, Sergeant.

And that's just the way I want it to be.

I want you to be the first to know
about anything I do, good or bad.

Good. Yes, sir, Pyle,

It looks like you're gonna have yourself
some mighty fine watermelon-eating there,

so take it and enjoy yourself.

Sergeant,
I want you to have the watermelon.

Huh?

On account of it's the only way
I can show my appreciation

for you being so cooperative and letting
me have the garden in the first place.

Oh, no, Pyle, I couldn't do that!

This is your melon. You grew it.

It wouldn't be right for me
to even take one bite of it.

And that goes for Boyle, too.
And the entire platoon, in fact!

- So you take it.
- But, Sergeant...

The satisfaction is all yours, Pyle,
every bit of it.

Or should I say, every bite of it?
[chuckles]

But I'd feel a whole lot better
if you had it.

No, Pyle, I wouldn't think of it!

- Please take it.
- No!

- Please?
- Pyle, I want you to take this watermelon

and eat every bite of it yourself,
and that's an order!

I mean, well, it's nice of you to offer,

but, well, right is right.

Here, take it and eat it in good health,
Pyle. Cheers!

I-I mean, enjoy it!

All right, Sergeant.

And thank you.

I only hope that someday I can be
just half as thoughtful towards you

- as you are towards me.
- Yeah. Well, uh...

The next melon, Pyle.

Maybe the next one, okay?

I consider that a promise, Sergeant!

- Bye!
- Bye.

Boy, he almost took you with your own gag.

Yeah. You know, I kinda hate to do it.

But like I said, it's for his own good!

He's not that hot a Marine that
he can afford to start taking up hobbies!

- Say, how much time do you give it?
- Hm?

Well, he's, uh, curious.

I'd say it's a matter of minutes before
he starts eating himself into a hangover.

Sergeant Carter! Sergeant Carter!

- I've been looking all over for you!
- Pyle!

- Are you all right, Pyle?
- I'm fine, just fine!

- Are you sure?
- Yes, sir, I never felt better.

- Why, do I look bad?
- Huh?

Oh, oh, well, no. It's just, I thought,
after eating all that prize watermelon...

Well, you know what they say,
the eyes are bigger than the stomach.

Well, that's what I wanted to tell you,
Sergeant. I didn't eat it.

- You didn't?
- No, sir.

After I left you,
I got to thinking about what you said.

- Remember, you said, "Right is right."
- Yeah, yeah, so?

So I got to thinking about who,
above all else,

deserved that watermelon
more than anybody, even me.

Who, Pyle, who?

The one man without who
I wouldn't even have a garden at all.

- You didn't?
- Yes, I did.

I gave it to the colonel. I couldn't think
of any better way to show my appreciation.

What do you think, Sergeant?

Talk about a joke backfiring!
What are you gonna do?

All I know is I gotta get that watermelon
back from the colonel, and fast.

What do you think will happen
when he gets a taste out of it?

I don't even wanna think about it!

You know the colonel.
He's death on any kind of drinking.

Yeah. And a watermelon
pumped full of vodka is a lot of drinking!

[Carter sighs]

- You wanted to see me, Sergeant?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on in, Pyle!

Hey, Corporal Boyle!

You know, Pyle,

- Corporal Boyle and I were just thinking.
- About what?

The mistake you made
giving that watermelon to the colonel.

Mistake? But that wasn't a mistake.
I wanted him to have it.

I know, I know.
Nobody's knocking your motives,

- just your brains!
- Huh?

Pyle, how could you give it to him
without tasting it first?

You don't even know what's inside.
Suppose it's rotten,

or yellow and black inside
and tastes like shoe polish? What then?

Well, it looked like
a perfectly good melon from the outside.

Pyle, you don't judge a book by its cover.

You don't judge a watermelon by its rind!

Remember, it was awful big

and it grew awful fast.

I'd worry about that.

- You would?
- Sure would. It might even be poisonous.

- Poisonous?
- Yeah, poisonous!

I just hope it ain't too late
to get it back.

- Back?
- Well, naturally!

Unless, of course, you wanna run the risk

of having the colonel
close down your garden for keeps,

right after he's had his stomach pumped.

Golly. I'd better get that watermelon back
right away!

Yeah. And the first place we'd better look
is the officers' mess.

It's probably sitting in the ice box
right now!

- But, Sergeant, are you going with me?
- Well, sure, Pyle!

I don't want you to get in a jam
with the colonel!

Well, that sure is thoughtful of you,
Sergeant.

Yeah!

All I gotta do is find a melon
with a plug in it. It'll be a cinch.

- Yeah, well, you better get it outta here.
- Huh?

I mean, I don't want to serve the brass
around here any spiked watermelons,

or it'll be my head in the sling!

Okay, come on over here!

Okay, help yourself.

Just stay outta sight, huh?
I got an inspection due today.

Golly!

Ain't that a coincidence?

They must be serving watermelon
for dessert for the men, as well, tonight.

- What are you doing, Sergeant?
- Huh?

Oh, I'm, uh, looking for your watermelon.
What do you think I'm doing?

Well, they all look alike.

Yeah, well...

Yeah. I guess you're right.
I can't tell anything by feeling 'em.

Oh, I know what, I'll taste 'em!

And that way, if they all taste all right,
then there's no problem.

Good. I'll be glad to help. I just love...

No, Pyle. Remember what I said
about it being poison?

Well, I can spot poison
faster than you can,

so if you'll just wait outside
and see that nobody interrupts me,

- everything will be okay. Okay?
- But, Sergeant...

Pyle, there are taste buds,
and there are taste buds.

Now, mine happen to be razor-sharp.

That's why I can't stand C rations
and you can.

Now, if you'll just do as I say,
we'll be in great shape, okay?

Well, yes, sir.
I'll be outside if you want me.

Huh.

How are you doing, Sergeant?
Did you find my watermelon yet?

No, I didn't.

And I'm not going to, either.

Because it's not in there.

- Well, how do you know?
- Huh? I just know.

Well, did you find a particular one
that tasted bad?

Huh? No, no, they're all fine.

Well, then, everything's all right!

- Why, you miserable creep!
- Huh?

You cut open every one of those melons,
didn't ya?

If I get my hands on you...

Where do you suppose that melon could be,
Sergeant?

I don't know.
I'm sure it's not in the officers' mess.

Are you sure he just didn't leave it
sitting there in his office? Now, think!

Well, I don't know, Sergeant.
I left right after I gave it to him.

All he said was thanks and how
he'd better get it on ice right away.

Well, he didn't get it on ice...

- No!
- What, Sergeant?

- Someplace else he could put it on ice.
- Huh?

His home! His own home!

You're really sure my melon's
gonna turn out to be bad, huh?

No, no. This is just insurance.

In case yours turns out to be rotten,
we'll put this one in its place.

- Smart?
- It really is.

But now the whole trick is switching
the melons. You better wait out here.

[playful music]

- Oh, yes, Sergeant? What is it?
- [background chatter]

Uh, watermelon for Colonel Gray.

A watermelon? Another one?
One's already been delivered.

- Yeah? The colonel sent this over himself?
- That's right.

- Were you, uh, gonna serve it?
- That's right.

Mrs. Gray's having a luncheon.
I was about to serve it for dessert.

Oh! Well, then, I'm just in time.

- You see, there's been a mix-up.
- Mix-up?

Yes, ma'am, that's right.
That one's store-bought!

This is the one that was grown right here
on the base by one of the colonel's men.

You see, it seems there was a mix-up
right after it was picked.

Well, all right.

Yes, ma'am! You should've seen how proud
the colonel was when he saw...

Sergeant? Aren't you leaving one of those?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah!

[laughs loudly]

I just wasn't thinking!

You did it, Sergeant!
You got my watermelon back.

I think so, Pyle, I think so.
With a little luck.

Looks perfectly all right to me.

Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out to
be sweet and red and juicy as any other?

- [dramatic music]
- What's wrong, Sergeant?

No?

I picked the wrong one. The wrong one!

I don't understand, Sergeant.
Didn't you go in there and...

You would, Pyle! You would!

You would have to stick your big fat head
in the window!

- I'm sorry, Sergeant. I really...
- Shh!

[phone rings]

You...

Company B, Corporal Boyle speaking.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

It's the colonel. He wants to see Pyle
in his office right away.

- He does, huh?
- Yeah, he does.

Yeah. [sighs]

Well, go tell Pyle the colonel
wants to see him in his office right away.

Just like that?
You've got nothing to do with it?

- Just throw Pyle to the wolves, huh?
- Look, Boyle, don't give me that stuff.

You went on the gag, too.
Thought it was pretty good, as I recall!

But the gag didn't work out
the way you wanted.

- So?
- You gonna let him face the colonel alone?

What is he gonna say?

I'll say it again.
I was doing it for his own good!

It was just a way of getting him out
of gardening and back to being a Marine!

Look, if it had worked out the way
I wanted it to... [stammers]

All right, all right.
I'll go see the colonel, too.

Maybe I can weasel-word my way out of it.

My, uh, combat record and all...

Gunnery Sergeant Carter and Private First
Class Pyle reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, men.

I don't recall asking you to come in,
Sergeant.

Oh, I know, sir.
But I can explain everything.

Don't listen to him, sir.
It's all on me. I'm the one to blame.

Sergeant Carter
didn't have nothing to do with it.

Blame? For what?
What are you talking about?

- For the way that my melon tasted.
- Uh, sir...

But the watermelon tasted fine. In fact,
according to my wife, sensational.

- Sir?
- That's what I called Pyle in to tell him.

Did you hear that, Sergeant?
They liked my watermelon after all!

Liked it? They loved it.

Mrs. Gray said
it was the hit of the bridge luncheon.

It wasn't! Do tell!

It was the first time in seven years

that a bridge luncheon
ended with the girls singing.

- Is that a fact?
- Yes.

I heard that when Major Brady
came to pick up his wife,

she actually danced out to the car.

Do you hear that, Sergeant?
Do you hear that?

I grew as good a watermelon as anybody.
Even better!

How about that?

How about that?!

Pyle? Yes, Sergeant?

I know, inspection in 15 minutes.
I'm all prepared.

Okay, just as long as you know, Pyle.

[car horn beeps]

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.

- How's our prize garden doing?
- Oh, fine, sir, just fine.

Any more watermelons?

No, sir,
but my cucumbers is doing real good. See?

Oh, yes!

Notice, sir, the way Private Pyle has laid
a mulch blanket around the main stems?

- Cuts down on his weeding time.
- Really? Peat moss?

- No, sir, it's...
- Leaf mold. Plain, ordinarily leaf mold.

Right, Pyle?
Best thing in the world for nutrients.

And this here sandy soil,
it's the only way to fly.

You mean it doesn't choke off
the feeder roots?

- No, sir...
- Long as you have enough irrigation.

The sergeant's right.
Absolutely right, sir.

Really, Sergeant,
I didn't peg you for the type

to take an interest in this sorta thing.

Oh, yes, sir. Like the colonel once said
to Private Pyle here,

"Every man should have a hobby."

And, well, with a garden like this
right in front of my nose,

I figured, "What the devil?"

I mean, what could be more exciting

than bringing something like an artichoke
into the world?

Now,
you take these here perennial greens...

Excuse me, Pyle. I grew these myself...