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00:00:01,552 --> 00:00:04,886
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,955 --> 00:00:08,240
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,292 --> 00:00:11,943
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,980
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,283
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,587
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,638 --> 00:00:23,188
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,873
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:29,928
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:38,286
This program is brought to you
by fruit bouquets.
11
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:41,240
Got a birthday coming upfor someone youabsolutely hate?
12
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,986
Why not tell them to
go screw themselves
13
00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,859
by sending
a giant fruit bouquet?
14
00:00:44,928 --> 00:00:46,628
With just a few clicks,
15
00:00:46,697 --> 00:00:49,631
you'll be able tosend someone 14 poundsof unwanted decorative produce
16
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:52,217
that will go bad
within an hour of arrival.
17
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:54,452
Hungry for
a strangely warm strawberry?
18
00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:57,789
How about a hard, green wedge
or a slime-glazed melon ball?
19
00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:00,025
Well, we have
all these gross things.
20
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,637
Order now and make
someone feel guilty
21
00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:03,139
about throwing it
straight into the trash
22
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,123
six hours later.
Fruit bouquets!
23
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:07,415
The rotting gift
with flies on it.
24
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:09,935
Okay, I'm heading out
for ladies night.
25
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:13,350
There's a casserole
in the refrigerator.
I'll be home at 11:00.
26
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:14,851
Hey, Lois?
Yeah.
27
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:17,320
How would you
find out the name
of the actual actress
28
00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:19,093
who plays the AT&T chick?
29
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,514
I left a list of
hot commercial girls
on the refrigerator.
30
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,983
What is this refrigerator
you keep mentioning?
31
00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:26,963
Are you talking about
the sandwich house?
32
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:30,322
I guess
I'm not the only person
with a useless husband.
33
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,474
I mean, look at
Mrs. Butterworth's.
34
00:01:32,543 --> 00:01:35,388
I still don't understand
why we couldn't
take my last name.
35
00:01:35,412 --> 00:01:38,463
Well, my last name
helps keep
a roof over our head
36
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,915
and pays for your hobby.
37
00:01:39,984 --> 00:01:41,033
"Hobby"?
38
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:46,054
Oh, look at that,
my business line
is ringing.
39
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,607
Hello. Lamps That
Look Like Soccer Balls.
40
00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:49,874
Yes.
41
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:50,976
Okay.
42
00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:52,922
How many would
you like to return?
43
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,079
Yeah. Just send them here.
44
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:57,165
Care of Mr. Butterworth.
45
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:06,207
Oh, it's so nice
getting out of the house.
46
00:02:06,276 --> 00:02:09,072
If I had to
change one more diaper
I was going to lose it.
47
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,162
I'm in exactly the same boat.
48
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:13,059
I mean, what would
our husbands do
49
00:02:13,083 --> 00:02:15,200
if they had to
change their own diapers?
50
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:17,819
Different boat, Bonnie.
Much different boat.
51
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:20,605
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's crank call them.
52
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:23,842
Yeah, we can block our numbers
and say we're Bard Medical
53
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,396
and tell all our husbands
their Foley catheters
were recalled.
54
00:02:27,464 --> 00:02:29,013
They'll freak out!
55
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:32,028
Again, Bonnie,
nobody else at this table
is living your life.
56
00:02:34,204 --> 00:02:38,774
You're weak, Cleveland.
You're worthless and weak.
57
00:02:38,842 --> 00:02:41,209
You've found Brown.
58
00:02:41,277 --> 00:02:44,038
Hello, Cleveland.
This is Michelle Obama.
59
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,664
It is?
Yes.
60
00:02:45,716 --> 00:02:49,451
I've received
all your letters and
I do like your mustache.
61
00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:52,887
Oh. I've been doing
all your arm exercises.
62
00:02:52,956 --> 00:02:55,935
Thank you, but those won't
work on your fat arms.
63
00:02:55,959 --> 00:02:57,904
How do you know my arms are fat?
64
00:02:57,928 --> 00:03:00,406
I deliberately
left them out
of all the photos.
65
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:03,498
You're eatinga pie on the toilet,aren't you, Cleveland?
66
00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:05,901
Who is this?
Is this a jerky boy?
67
00:03:05,969 --> 00:03:07,569
It's your wife, you big dummy.
68
00:03:12,176 --> 00:03:14,943
I used to have my own show.
69
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,348
Hello.
70
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,117
Hello, is this Joe Swanson?
71
00:03:22,186 --> 00:03:23,729
Wait. You can
talk normal?
72
00:03:23,753 --> 00:03:25,103
What do you mean?
73
00:03:25,171 --> 00:03:28,139
Never mind.
We're calling from WQHG,
74
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,674
Quahog's hottest hits.
75
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,794
And we'll give you $500
if you can sing
Britney Spears'
76
00:03:32,862 --> 00:03:34,846
I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.
77
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,197
You've got 10 seconds to...
78
00:03:36,266 --> 00:03:38,078
♪ I'm not a girl
79
00:03:38,102 --> 00:03:40,085
♪ Not yet a woman
80
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,704
♪ All I need is time... ♪
81
00:03:42,773 --> 00:03:44,806
Oh, but you have
to be able to walk.
82
00:03:44,875 --> 00:03:46,107
Ah, nuts.
83
00:03:48,178 --> 00:03:50,562
Okay. My turn, my turn.
84
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:56,284
Hello. Don't say anything
about the 1998 Oscars,
I'm watching it now.
85
00:03:56,353 --> 00:03:58,632
Hello, is this Peter Griffin?
86
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:01,051
If this is
the fracking people,
I have made it clear
87
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,225
that I am 100% on board.
88
00:04:03,293 --> 00:04:07,145
No, my name is Rebecca.
You've never met me before
89
00:04:07,213 --> 00:04:11,249
and probably don'teven know I exist,but you're my father.
90
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,164
- Hello?
- How'd you get this number?
91
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,766
Don't you ever call here again!
92
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,418
What the hell?
93
00:04:18,442 --> 00:04:21,092
He just got mad and hung up.
He what?
94
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:24,024
Why?
I don't know.
He sounded weird.
95
00:04:24,048 --> 00:04:25,608
Like, when he was
an NFL announcer
96
00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:28,900
and had to pretend
he cared about the shows
after the game.
97
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:31,436
Patriots calling thei
third and final time out.
98
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:35,139
Hey, after the game,keep it here for an all new
Madam Secretary.
99
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:38,977
Tonight Madam Secretary facesan internationalcrisis in Pakistan,
100
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:41,513
while her teenage daughter
faces her own crisis
101
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:42,881
finding a date for the prom.
102
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,350
Madam Secretary, tonight on CBS.
103
00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:48,052
Is this the longest
time-out of all time?
104
00:04:53,777 --> 00:04:54,910
Hey, Peter?
105
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:58,162
So, um, anything
interesting happen tonight?
106
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:01,282
Yup. I finally
peed that chunk of poo
off the side of the bowl.
107
00:05:01,351 --> 00:05:03,079
You know,
the one you've been
yelling at me about.
108
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:06,087
Nobody called or anything?
Nope.
109
00:05:06,156 --> 00:05:10,425
So, hey, uh, are you
tipsy enough to let me have
lazy Tony Soprano sex?
110
00:05:10,494 --> 00:05:13,294
You know,
where I just lie there
and arch my hips a little bit
111
00:05:13,363 --> 00:05:14,891
and breathe like a dying whale.
112
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,197
Uh, I don't know.
113
00:05:16,266 --> 00:05:17,560
All right.
Well, just in case,
114
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:20,704
I'll be upstairs
getting into my boxers
and black socks.
115
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:40,805
Do you think it's possible
he actually has
an illegitimate child?
116
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,701
I don't know,
but something's going on
117
00:05:42,725 --> 00:05:45,209
because I'm telling you,
he lied right to my face.
118
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:48,212
Sometimes friends
put wine out for each other.
119
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:51,983
I just don't understand it.
I mean, we don't keep
secrets in this house.
120
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,292
We didn't even keep
the Pop Secret, secret.
121
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,373
Psst. Hey, did you hear?
122
00:05:58,442 --> 00:05:59,457
Hear what?
123
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,043
Orville Redenbacher is gay.
124
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,779
But he has a son,
he's in the commercial.
125
00:06:04,848 --> 00:06:07,565
His son's gay, too.
They're both gay.
126
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:10,184
They have sex parties
in the Hollywood Hills.
127
00:06:10,253 --> 00:06:14,071
It sounds like you're just
making up stories
about your competitors.
128
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,184
You're gay, too.
129
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,307
What?
130
00:06:17,827 --> 00:06:19,977
Ah! You're a psycho!
131
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,924
Dad, you're never
going to believe what...
132
00:06:21,948 --> 00:06:24,949
Chris,
meet Orville Redenbacher
and his son. Watch.
133
00:06:29,005 --> 00:06:33,959
And that's where
we get the expression,
"Gay as a bag of popcorn."
134
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,071
All right, I'll see you later.
135
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:36,772
What?
Where are you going?
136
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:38,412
Laser tag orientation.
137
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:41,633
Well, that's obviously not true.
138
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,501
Yeah, that boy got liarrhea.
139
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,197
Oh, my God.
I got to follow him,
140
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:46,849
find out where
he's really going.
141
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:50,292
Good idea.
If I was you I'd stick
to him like gluerrhea.
142
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,539
Okay, I think
I'm starting to
crack your code.
143
00:06:53,563 --> 00:06:55,341
Quick. Brian,
I need your car.
144
00:06:55,365 --> 00:06:58,183
I don't know, Lois.
You're not on the insurance
and I don't think...
145
00:07:06,910 --> 00:07:08,571
Fruit bouquet for Brian Griffin.
146
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,028
Happy birthday, buddy.
147
00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:32,083
What the hell?
148
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:36,032
Peter, what are you doing here?
149
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,291
Lois! I was...
I'm just, uh, shopping.
150
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:41,626
Yeah. I'll take
a large sperm, please.
151
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,645
Nice going.
Now you've ruined Christmas.
152
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,731
Peter Griffin, you tell me
what's going on right now.
153
00:07:46,783 --> 00:07:50,485
Okay, fine.
I'll be honest with you.
154
00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:53,621
A long while back,
just before we got married,
155
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,239
I was a little short of cash.
156
00:07:55,292 --> 00:07:56,941
What? To buy our rings?
157
00:07:57,010 --> 00:08:00,712
No. I wanted to pay
for dial up modem
impression classes. See.
158
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:14,425
Wow,
that's pretty good. I...
159
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,105
You've got mail.
160
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,746
Okay, but hang on.
You were a sperm donor?
161
00:08:18,815 --> 00:08:20,710
Yeah. I had almost
forgotten about it,
162
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,574
but then last night
I get this call
163
00:08:22,619 --> 00:08:24,602
from a woman who
says she's my daughter.
164
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,388
Peter, that was me.
I was prank calling you.
165
00:08:27,457 --> 00:08:30,074
You what?
I can't believe
you would do that to me.
166
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,503
Can you guys argue elsewhere.
167
00:08:31,527 --> 00:08:33,472
You're making it
tough to finish in here.
168
00:08:33,496 --> 00:08:36,147
No. Fight louder.
Call her a bitch!
169
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,916
But I don't understand.
Why did you come here today?
170
00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:41,319
'Cause that call
last night gave me a scare.
171
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,121
I figured if I do
have a kid out there,
172
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,451
I want to make sure
they're not giving out
my information.
173
00:08:45,475 --> 00:08:47,442
They're not supposed to.
I signed a form.
174
00:08:47,511 --> 00:08:49,777
Hold on, Peter.
I'm sorry I tricked you.
175
00:08:49,846 --> 00:08:52,364
But if you do have
a child out there,
176
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:54,713
isn't it only fair to
let him or her meet you?
177
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,786
Maybe you're right.
178
00:08:57,854 --> 00:09:01,522
I mean, as long as
we're here, maybe you
should sign a consent form.
179
00:09:01,591 --> 00:09:05,042
Okay. Yeah.
All right. I'll do it.
180
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:08,212
You know what?
It feels good doing
something nice for others.
181
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,698
Like when I was
a mentor for Kid Rock.
182
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:14,469
Okay. I took a leak
into this can of Busch Light
without spilling.
183
00:09:14,538 --> 00:09:15,786
You're ready.
184
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,371
You don't need me anymore.
185
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,007
Will I see you again, Peter?
186
00:09:19,076 --> 00:09:22,944
Wherever a father
weighs less than
his daughter, I'll be there.
187
00:09:23,013 --> 00:09:26,347
Wherever someone
has a banner for
a football team as a curtain,
188
00:09:26,415 --> 00:09:27,966
I'll be there.
189
00:09:28,018 --> 00:09:31,969
Wherever there's a fight
in a Waffle House,
I'll be there.
190
00:09:32,022 --> 00:09:35,773
Now go. People need
a concert to go to
after the water park.
191
00:09:47,537 --> 00:09:49,671
Hi, is, uh...
Is Peter Griffin here?
192
00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:51,689
Oh, my God.
193
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,208
Is everything okay?
194
00:09:53,276 --> 00:09:56,744
Yes. It's just...
You look just like...
What's going on?
195
00:09:56,812 --> 00:09:58,012
Who's this super model?
196
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,764
I'm Katie.
197
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,432
I'm your daughter.
198
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:02,767
You're what?
199
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:03,968
Holy crap!
200
00:10:04,036 --> 00:10:05,870
Yeah. I hope you
don't mind the drop in?
201
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,639
But the, uh,
sperm bank said it
was okay to contact you.
202
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:11,803
Yeah. I guess...
I guess I didn't
expect this so soon.
203
00:10:11,827 --> 00:10:14,179
Well, we were all
pretty excited to meet you.
204
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:15,980
What do you mean, "we"?
205
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,855
Hi, Dad!
206
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,457
We're all your children.
We came from your semen.
207
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,626
Semen.
208
00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:32,146
Semen.
Semen.
209
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,033
Oh, sorry. Wrong house.
210
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:38,014
Look. Eddie's at
the wrong house.
211
00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:53,985
Peter, how many times
were you a sperm donor?
212
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:57,439
Only once. But I had just
seen Uma Thurman in
Beautiful Girls,
213
00:10:57,507 --> 00:10:59,190
so it was kind of a kablamo.
214
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:02,177
You ever seen those videos
where they put
Mentos in Diet Coke?
215
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:06,314
Uh, listen. I want
all of you to know how
happy we are to meet you.
216
00:11:06,382 --> 00:11:09,550
In fact, this calls
for a celebration.
217
00:11:09,619 --> 00:11:11,347
Can you all stay for dinner?
218
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,770
Aw, we'd love that!
219
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,772
Wouldn't we, guys?
Yeah, absolutely.
220
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,642
You said it, babe.
Yeah.
Chinese Peter very hungry.
221
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,472
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down there, Lois.
222
00:11:19,496 --> 00:11:21,674
Just 'cause they're my kids
and they all look like me
223
00:11:21,698 --> 00:11:23,709
doesn't mean we have
anything in common.
224
00:11:30,306 --> 00:11:31,422
Daddy.
225
00:11:45,855 --> 00:11:49,290
I've never felt proud
of any of my children
until now.
226
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:55,780
This is so exciting.
227
00:11:55,848 --> 00:11:59,011
For years I have
dreamed of one day
traveling from Bavaria
228
00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:02,203
to play the accordion
for my birth family.
May I?
229
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,076
I have just
one question for you.
230
00:12:10,079 --> 00:12:12,197
What are those?
231
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:16,050
Oh, I get that.
Because this comedy
has just made it to Germany.
232
00:12:16,119 --> 00:12:18,770
Wow. You look
exactly like me.
233
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:22,273
Yes. I'm not actually part
of sperm donation thing.
234
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,908
I'm your secret clone.
235
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:27,245
We have been
Orphan Black- ed
and you soon will be dead.
236
00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:33,868
Meg, where are you?
237
00:12:33,936 --> 00:12:35,656
I'm right here, Mom.
238
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:39,023
Wow, look at your fine ass.
239
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,509
Are you talking to me?
Damn right.
240
00:12:41,577 --> 00:12:43,956
I've been looking
around this whole house
for something to nibble on,
241
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,529
I think I just found it.
242
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,416
So many confusing feelings!
243
00:12:48,484 --> 00:12:49,817
Dad.
Sex.
244
00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:52,937
Black woman.Historically lowmortgage rates.
245
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:56,257
Ah! I got to go buy a house.
246
00:12:56,326 --> 00:12:59,060
Lois! Lois, can I keep
the little Persian Peter?
247
00:12:59,128 --> 00:13:00,745
No. They're too much work.
248
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:02,564
But I'll take care of it.
I promise.
249
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:05,360
You always say that and
I'm the one who always
ends up feeding them
250
00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:07,346
and walking them,
and doing all the clean up.
251
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:11,472
Excuse me, I'm a candidate
for a doctorate in
classics at Wesleyan.
252
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,424
It talks. Lois, it talks!
253
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:16,928
Ah!
254
00:13:18,914 --> 00:13:20,464
Whoa, that was close.
255
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:23,012
You almost dipped
one of your yabos
in the marinara.
256
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:26,487
Let me help you with those.
Well, thank you.
That's so sweet.
257
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:28,916
You're the first person
who looks anything
like my husband
258
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,524
who's offered to
help in any way.
259
00:13:30,593 --> 00:13:33,272
Oh, you must be
Peter's wife, Lois.
I'm Larry.
260
00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:34,912
It's nice to meet you, Larry.
261
00:13:36,282 --> 00:13:38,466
Weird hands-full pinky shake?
262
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:44,055
I got to tell you,
it's so strange,
you look so much like Peter
263
00:13:44,107 --> 00:13:45,256
when I first met him.
264
00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:47,419
Well, I'm guessing
you look
exactly the same, too.
265
00:13:47,443 --> 00:13:48,971
You're in such great shape.
266
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:52,447
Well, I do have
tiny blue weights
in my garage.
267
00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:02,189
Gross. It's all pretzel dogs
with the dogs sucked out.
268
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,393
Oh. Hi, Larry.
269
00:14:06,462 --> 00:14:07,978
Hi, Lois. Is Peter here?
270
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:09,809
Larry, it's only
2:00 in the afternoon.
271
00:14:09,833 --> 00:14:12,283
Peter's still sleeping off
last night's party.
272
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,252
Then why... Why are you still
in your pajamas and bathrobe?
273
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:17,500
Oh. That's because
I'm depressed.
274
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:21,292
Is that why that sad
Shel Silverstein blob
is following you around?
275
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,045
Who would ever fuck me?
276
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:27,153
Anyway, we didn't really
get a chance to finish
our conversation yesterday,
277
00:14:27,183 --> 00:14:29,383
and I thought maybe we could
grab some lunch together.
278
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:32,403
Ah.
That would give me a reason
to get dressed today.
279
00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:36,140
Oh, would you,
uh, like to join us?
280
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,376
That didn't sound
like a real invitation.
281
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:41,946
See. This is why no one
ever wants to fuck you.
282
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,764
Thank you again
for lunch, Larry.
283
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,387
Sorry, I drew
so many Nazi symbols
284
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,323
on the place-mat.
I was just nervous.
285
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:56,260
That's okay. I just wish
we hadn't gone to
a kosher restaurant.
286
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:59,241
Oh, look at me,
I got ice cream
all over my fingers.
287
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:00,375
Do you have a napkin?
288
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,833
No, but let me
help you clean it off.
289
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:14,979
Larry, are you
turned on or starving?
290
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:16,163
Can't it be both?
291
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:31,462
Wow, Larry.
That was unexpected.
292
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,130
Shh. We'll discuss
this later.
293
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:35,210
I have to get back
to my high school.
Oh.
294
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:36,696
Where I work.
Oh.
295
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,096
As a janitor.
Oh.
296
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,253
To pay for medical school.
297
00:15:39,322 --> 00:15:40,371
Oh.
298
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,440
That I'm building.
Oh.
299
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,349
Out of Popsicle sticks.
Oh.
300
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:56,054
That big one doesn't
blink a lot, does he?
301
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:59,306
Hey, Lois, where's your purse?
Me and some of my kids are
going to the movies.
302
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:03,310
By the way, dwarf Peter died.
I didn't know what he ate,
so I gave him nothing.
303
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,062
His name was Tyler!
304
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:07,165
He had a name.
305
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:10,267
Everything you say,
you say with pride.
I like that about you.
306
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:12,703
Anyway, where's Larry?
Maybe he wants to
go to the movie.
307
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,640
Larry? Why would I know
where Larry is at?
308
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,788
Who is Larry?
Oh, never mind.
309
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:19,271
All right. Everybody
bring your phones,
310
00:16:19,295 --> 00:16:21,862
so we can text each other
during the movie.
311
00:16:25,268 --> 00:16:28,101
Wow, you want to
tell me what that was?
312
00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:31,638
Brian, Larry and I
sort of crossed
the line yesterday.
313
00:16:31,707 --> 00:16:33,969
I don't know.
He's just so
sweet and fun-loving.
314
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,353
And for God's sake
he looks just like Peter
did when he was his age.
315
00:16:37,379 --> 00:16:41,866
Yeah. But?
Well, he kissed me
and I kind of let him.
316
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:44,558
I told him it could
never happen again
and I...
317
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:46,165
What are you doing?
318
00:16:46,189 --> 00:16:49,557
Oh, I thought that
was kind of like,
"I'm open for business."
319
00:16:49,626 --> 00:16:52,393
No! I'm confiding
in a friend.
320
00:16:52,462 --> 00:16:55,246
Oh, you're the safe friend.
321
00:16:55,298 --> 00:16:58,332
Look. I feel awful about it,
but I told Larry that was it,
322
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,618
and we couldn't be anything
more than friends.
323
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,064
So, you're still
going to see him?
324
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:03,304
Yes, of course.
325
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,890
He's a nice young man,
and he's practically family.
326
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,191
Lois.
327
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,827
No! Zoloft blob, don't!
328
00:17:16,185 --> 00:17:19,653
Almost there. Almost there.
329
00:17:19,722 --> 00:17:22,874
Costmart? What are
we doing at Costmart?
330
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,387
I thought we could
spend the afternoon
eating free samples
331
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:28,262
and watching Avatar
on 12 flat screen TVs.
332
00:17:28,331 --> 00:17:29,747
Oh, what fun!
333
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:31,193
You know, Peter and I
used to come here
334
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,145
all the time when
we were first married.
335
00:17:33,169 --> 00:17:36,087
We'd go to the film counter
then steal
other peoples' photos
336
00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:38,851
and replace them
with some of our
neck-down nudies.
337
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,476
Should we do that?
338
00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:43,689
Larry!
339
00:17:43,713 --> 00:17:44,729
Yes.
340
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,397
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
341
00:17:52,421 --> 00:17:54,683
I'm fine. I just hurt
my neck this morning,
342
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:57,358
vigorously nodding
approval to Judge Judy.
343
00:17:57,427 --> 00:18:01,328
Okay. All right.
The doctor is in. Come on,
back it up over here.
344
00:18:01,397 --> 00:18:03,247
Somebody's got
a neck massage coming.
345
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:04,493
Ah, right there.
346
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,884
Okay. But let's
keep this friendly.
347
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,047
You can choke me
for just a second.
348
00:18:09,071 --> 00:18:11,416
You know,
maybe I should just go ahead
and do your whole back.
349
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,507
Yeah, your bra strap
is getting in the way here.
350
00:18:13,576 --> 00:18:15,136
I'll just bite it off
with my teeth.
351
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:20,781
Lois, is a President
stronger than a king?
What the hell?
352
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,115
Oh. Peter...
353
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,363
Look. Calm down.
We're just friends.
354
00:18:24,387 --> 00:18:26,632
He's just giving me
a friendly massage.
355
00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:28,239
"A friendly massage"?
356
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,019
Yeah.
And what do you care?
357
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:32,320
When's the last time
you did anything
nice for me?
358
00:18:32,344 --> 00:18:34,795
I ate that gross pasta you made.
359
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:36,775
I might as well
just tell you, Peter.
360
00:18:36,799 --> 00:18:38,349
I'm in love with Lois.
361
00:18:38,401 --> 00:18:40,212
I knew it the moment we kissed.
362
00:18:40,236 --> 00:18:41,468
"Kissed"?
363
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,553
Is that true?
364
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,682
Yes, Peter. But I...
365
00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:45,072
You son of a bitch!
366
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,337
Ah!
367
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,560
Everybody says,
"We don't need
a home owners association.
368
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:15,235
"That's stupid, Quagmire."
Well, this is why
a home owners association.
369
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,297
What the hell? Lois.
370
00:19:44,366 --> 00:19:47,729
What did you do that for?
I thought you and him were
girlfriend and boyfriend.
371
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,920
He was not my boyfriend, Peter.
372
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,690
And I wasn't about to
stand by and watch him
kick your ass.
373
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,169
I was holding my own there.
374
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,642
You were getting beat up.
375
00:19:55,711 --> 00:19:58,674
No... No. I meant,
I was holding my own nuts,
so he wouldn't kick 'em.
376
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,176
But if he's not
your boyfriend,
why did you kiss him?
377
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,933
He kissed me.
378
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:07,304
And I should have told you.
I'm sorry if I hurt you,
Peter.
379
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:10,474
I guess Larry
just reminded me
of a younger version of you.
380
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:14,811
And the truth is I liked
that he was paying me
a little attention.
381
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,897
The way you used to.
382
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:19,950
Maybe I have been
taking you for granted.
383
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:23,139
But I promise I'll make it
up to you. I'll be
the best husband ever.
384
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,105
You already are.
385
00:20:25,174 --> 00:20:26,941
For God sakes,
when push came to shove,
386
00:20:27,009 --> 00:20:30,461
you stood toe to toe
with a much younger man
and fought for me.
387
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,446
Oh, by the way,
uh, thanks, all my kids,
388
00:20:32,515 --> 00:20:34,181
for stepping in to help.
Really...
389
00:20:34,249 --> 00:20:36,283
Really appreciate that.
But you're right, Lois.
390
00:20:36,352 --> 00:20:37,901
I'm going to change.
391
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:40,499
I'm going to do
all the stuff for you
that Larry was doing.
392
00:20:40,523 --> 00:20:42,706
No, Peter.
I don't need any of that.
393
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:45,176
At our age,
all I'm really
looking for in a husband
394
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,995
is someone who wants
to watch TV with me
on a Saturday night,
395
00:20:48,063 --> 00:20:50,081
and isn't afraid to
pop a zit on my back.
396
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:52,316
"Afraid"?
I love doing that.
397
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:55,665
It's like bubble wrap
you get to have sex with
every now and then.
398
00:20:55,705 --> 00:20:58,572
I got a pretty good one
going right now, Peter.
399
00:20:58,641 --> 00:21:01,592
You always do, Lois.
I love you.
400
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,442
From that day forward,
401
00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,566
Peter and Lois never again...
Oh, nope.
402
00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:11,868
Sorry. There's still
another scene left.
403
00:21:16,392 --> 00:21:19,187
Well, Peter, turns out
your initial instinct
was right.
404
00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:22,040
You never should have
let any of your
children contact you.
405
00:21:22,064 --> 00:21:23,681
You said it. From now on,
406
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:27,068
I'm making sure
my sperm stays
right where it belongs.
407
00:21:27,136 --> 00:21:28,769
In the bathroom sink.
408
00:21:47,823 --> 00:21:49,823
We have fun down here.
32611
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