All language subtitles for Family Guy - S15E14 - The Dating Game (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

I gotta say,

some days I wish
I didn't have
a sister.

What?
Nothing.

Oh, I thought you asked me

what was going on
with my sister.

I did not.

Hey, look!
Tom Tucker!

Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up,
tonight's second story.

But first,
Quahog says goodbye
to an old friend.

That's right, Tom.
Medieval Castle,

which has been a staple
of family entertainment
and dining,

is closing its doors.

The restaurant has gone
into foreclosure

and will be up
for auction tomorrow.

It's hard to believe
a place where you eat
with your hands

next to piles of horse dung

while untrained
theater students
fight with real swords

could be drowning in lawsuits.

Medieval Castle?
I love that place.

My sister almost
got a job there once.

Guys, we should go
to that auction tomorrow
and buy it.

I mean, can you
imagine if we had
our own medieval castle?

I bet it'd be even more
fun than when I went
to White Castle.

Huh. Name's a little
deceiving.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, it's my back.
It's killing me.

Yeah, I'm not
falling for that
hot oil massage bit again.

No, this time
it's not a bit.
I'm really hurt.

I must've jacked it up
playing sports,

and not trying to
dance like Beyonce.

If you're in that
much pain,
I better tell Lois.

Please don't.

Then she'll drive me
to the doctor

and I hate being
in the car with her.

♪ Shut the door, baby
Don't say a word ♪

Okay, I guess
that's not my part.

Here it is, guys.

Oh, this is gonna be awesome!

We just got to win this auction

and then we'll have
our own castle.

Oh, yeah?
Over my dead tooth!

Good afternoon and welcome
to today's auction.

I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's

Wacky Waving
Inflatable Arm-Flailing

Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium.

Due to the presence
of black mold,

discarded half-eaten turkey legs

and an undulating rat king
that no one dares approach,

I have been advised
to move these
proceedings along

as quickly as possible.

Do I hear an opening bid?
Anyone?

Do I hear
an opening bid for this

majestic fiberglass
castle facade

masking what was once
a Midas muffler shop?

Two bits.
Two bits!

That's 25 cents in the Old West.

We have 25 cents.
Do I hear
higher than 25 cents?

This paper bag, which could be
full of money or my socks.

You take the chance.

We have
an intriguing mystery bag!

Do I hear more
than the mystery bag?

Two bits and a cardboard box!

Which may or may not
contain a mystery bag.

Already,
the most challenging auction
I have ever been a part of!

Do I hear a higher bid
from that James Bond villain
over there?

Fifty krone.

Which, converted to
American currency, is $7.40!

Do I hear a much higher bid
followed by shocked murmuring?

$10,000!

I'm shocked.

- That's shocking!
- We're all shocked!

We can't afford that.

Peter, do something.

I can't.
There's only $9,000
in the mystery bag.

Due to my 12 noon
court appointment

as part of a crippling
child custody battle

with my horrific ex-wife,

I am saying,
"Going once, going twice,"

and awarding
this condemned building
to you!

Damn it, we lost.

I guess the castle was
a crazy idea anyway.

I should probably
just invest this
money in a 401-gay.

And how long before
I can take this out?

It sucks we didn't get
the castle.

So, what do we do now?

Well, I'm looking at my calendar

and I blocked off
the next two weeks
for "castle fun."

Now those words seem stupid.

Man, those losers
don't deserve
that castle.

I would call
my sister about this

if she were able
to answer the phone.

Poor thing.

Poor, poor thing.

Well, you know,

in castle times,
if you wanted something,
you just took it.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying the
four of us should
storm that castle

and take it for ourselves.

Should we do it
with careful planning

or have another couple beers

and then just go for it?

Well, let's make that decision

after another couple beers.

I checked with my
mom and she said
it was cool with her

if we wanted to
sleep here tonight.

I'm pretty sure
I can.
Count me in.

Well, I'm gonna have to
go home and get my pillow.

Yes, you heard me right.

Cancel my insurance.

I've been in this location
for 40 years

and never once
have I broken a lamp.

Good day, sir.

God, I hope he's got insurance.

Of course he's got insurance.

He's been at this
location for 40 years.

Yes, you heard me right.

Cancel my husband's
life insurance.

He's been in perfect health
for 40 years.

We're selling the lamp store
and going to travel.

We need this after losing
both our children.

Good day, sir.

All right, Plan B.

We'll shoot flaming arrows
like in Robin Hood.

So, should I be aiming
for an open window

or just arcing it over the wall?

I don't know.
I've never seen
the movie.

Just the Bryan Adams video.

Oh, such a good song.

Archers!
Yeah?

Oh, yeah.
He's that guy, too.

Prepare to fire!

I wonder what they're
gonna put here.

Trader Joe's?

Oh, I would love a Trader Joe's.

Sorry to keep you.

I was reading
this Highlights magazine
in the waiting room.

You see any differences
between these
two pictures?

Oh, the pie has
a wedge removed.
Yes. Yes.

Dr. Hartman, were you
able to tell anything
from Stewie's X-rays?

Oh, yeah. Little guy's
got scoliosis.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!
Am I gonna be a big shoe,
small shoe guy?

But don't worry, he'll be fine.

He just needs to wear
this brace for a while
to correct it.

Oh, dear.

Now, does he have
any school pictures
coming up?

Yeah, he actually does.

Well, then,
this will not be
a refrigerator door year.

All right, this says
if we don't get arrested

for the next six months,

the arson
and mayhem charges
will be dropped.

Well, that's good news.

Doesn't bring
the homeless people

in the basement back to life,

but it's something.

Hey, sorry again, you guys.

Ah, no harm done.

Yeah, no hard feelings, fellas.

I've already forgotten about it.

I'm too busy thinking
about my hot date tonight.

Yeah, right.
Hot date.

With your left hand
or your right hand?

Well, actually,
I use both and do
like an Indian burn.

But that's not what this is.

Tonight, I'm getting lucky.

Hi, are you Mort?

Why, yes, I am.

What the hell was that?

Mort's getting laid?

Yeah, thanks to Tinder,
he's had a different girl
every night this week.

What's Tinder?
It's an app
for your phone

where two strangers
can hook up
for a dirty liaison.

What, like hookers?
No.

Just two horny people
with phones.

Wait. I don't get it.

So, you hit 'em on the
head with your phone
and knock 'em out?

No, you just swipe
someone's picture,

they come over and you plow 'em.

Wow! I gotta try this.

I mean, easy sex
on the Internet?

Did you know about this,
Scott Baio?

Uh, yeah.

And you, Scott Caan?

Did you also know
about easy sex
on the Internet?

Yes.

And how about you,
douchebag music producer,
Scott Storch?

Quagmire, all the Scotts
know about it.

Okay, let's get me set up
on this Tinder thing.

I can't wait to
start getting laid
at the push of a button.

Well, first you gotta
set up your profile.

Oh, yeah,
I've been working
on that.

I wrote several
long paragraphs
describing my interests,

some pet peeves, choice of wine,

couple of inspirational quotes,

things I've learned
from my cats.

No, no, no, no, none of that.

You want a naked
bathroom selfie,

covering your stuff
with a fistful
of $100 bills.

That shows
you like sex
and you got money.

Well, that seems a bit crude.

Oh, she's cute.

And wearing
a yin-yang necklace.
That's interesting.

Wonder what beach that is.

Oh, no, no, gimme that.

Here, you see this?
You see what I'm doing?

Not even looking.
I'm swiping "Yes.
Yes, yes, yes."

Casting a wide net.

Look at this.
You already got a hit.

And she sent a message.
She did?

What am I looking at here?

It's mostly small,
colorful pictures.

Those are emojis.
Read 'em.

Okay, it says "Hey"
and then a kissy face

and then like a saucy,
smirking face,

three balloons and a locomotive.

What the hell is all this?

It means she likes you.

Send something back.

Okay. "Dearest Teresa,
I hope this finds you well.

"I so appreciated
your last communication."

No, stop! Stop!
God, stop! Stop!

Just send her
an eggplant and
the erupting volcano.

Oh, my God!
I just got
four more matches!

And a text!

She says,
"Come over right now."

Peter, hand me that K-Y Jelly.

Giggity Giggity Giggity.

All right, take a gander.
Gawk at the Elephant Man.

Let's get it all out.

There's our brave guy.

Brave?

And just for being
such a trouper,

I thought maybe you could
be the first in line
for snack today.

Really?
On pretzel day?

And after that,
you can hold
the bunny.

Yeah, I'll pass on that
but the pretzel thing
sounds up my alley.

Now, if I could just
find someone to
wear this hero hat.

I think I found him.

Well, I say, that was
a pleasant surprise.

You know, like, when a woman

in a Porsche Cayenne
isn't a complete bitch.

Huh. Whoa, I did not
expect that.

I wasn't telling you to go.
I was trying to
smell my own fart.

Hi, are you Courtney
from Tinder?

You must be Glenn.
I got you these.

A lovely bouquet for a lovely...

Yeah, take off
your pants and sit
on the coffee table.

Okay.

That was great.

And we can still
make our reservation.

What? Why?
We already had sex.

Wait, so I don't have
to make small talk
with you

or spend any money?
Of course not.

Here, wipe yourself
off with this
West Elm catalog.

My God!
This app is amazing!

Thank you, cellphone Jesus.

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Fine.

♪ Oh, feeling crazy

♪ The moon is up,
the night is hazy

♪ Let's get lost
in the shadows

♪ Somewhere we can go
where no one else can find

♪ Loosen up your body
till you come undone

♪ Loosen up your body
till you come undone

♪ Oh, my, my
Looking like a good good time

♪ Don't disguise
the way you wanna
love tonight

♪ Oh, my, my
Hook you
with a brand new high

♪ Don't be shy

♪ I just wanna live tonight
Have a little F.U.N ♪

So, how's it going
with the back brace?

People giving you a hard time?

Quite the contrary, Brian.

Apparently, people
love the wretched.

Thanks to this thing,
I was offered seats

directly behind
home plate at Fenway.

I passed.

Wow, that patient
next door is fat.

I can hear you!

Uh, that wasn't me,
that was Mrs. Griffin.

So, I've got
Stewie's results here.

Um, it appears the back brace

has corrected
the spine
very nicely.

That's wonderful.
Stewie doesn't have to

wear the brace anymore.

What? No, I can't give
this thing up.

What do you mean?
You wanna keep wearing
the brace?

Of course I do.
It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

When I wear this brace,
I get pampered
like the Queen of England.

So, I have the most money
in the world, right?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Great! Can you make sure
my hair looks like
anyone in a nursing home?

All right!
Hittin' the links.

Joe, golf shorts
may not be the right look
for you.

It's gonna be a nice day.

Not for us if you wear those.

Well, that seems
a little hurtful.

Hey, where's Quagmire?
Our tee time's
in 20 minutes.

I don't know.
I haven't seen much of him
since he discovered Tinder.

Tinder?

Quagmire, come on.
It's time for golf.

I swipe "No" on golf.

Smells kinda gamey in here.

Swipe "Yes" on Betsy.
Swipe "Yes" on Jennifer.

Swipe "Yes" on Andrea.
Swipe "Yes"
on all the lady faces.

Swipe, swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe.

Let's, uh...
Let's get a little light
in here, huh, buddy?

The yellow face!
It burns my Tinder!

Oh, my God.
He's lost it.

That app's turned
Quagmire into some
kind of sex ghoul.

The way he's crouching,
there's a teste
peeking out.

Hey, Quagmire,
maybe it's time to ease
off that Tinder, huh?

No!
Damn it.

Greyscale.

Hey, listen. Quagmire,
you're our friend,
all right.

We hate to see you like this.

I don't have any friends.

Only sex people from the phone.

You gotta stop this.
It looks like

you haven't left
this room in weeks.

No need to leave.
They all come here.

Sometimes they bring
burgers and cheese.

Hey, come on, Quagmire.
Let's go for a walk, huh?

Get some fresh air.
Oh, for God's sake.

You're gonna
have a baby
in your butt, man.

Can't leave.

"Heather within
five miles"
is coming.

Are you
"Glenn within five miles"?

I can take my glass eye out
if you wanna try
something different.

I got a good feeling about her.

Maybe she's the one.

Let's do it in the garage.

It's kinda cold
but we can do
sweaters on, pants off.

Look, he left his phone!

I'm just gonna nudge it
with my knee into this
empty pizza box.

And it's stuck to my
knee. Let's, uh...
Let's just go.

All right. We gotta
just throw that phone away

and end this once and for all.

Yeah, no kidding.
Quagmire's in
bad shape.

He looks worse than
I did after that day
at the beach.

I spanked somebody else's kid.

Sorry I was late.

You're still wearing
that back brace?

That can't be good for you.

Dr. Hartman said
you were done
with that thing.

I'm not gonna listen
to that bozo.

Of course I'm still wearing it.

Watch me jump this line.

Excuse me, I have scoliosis.
Excuse me, scoliosis
coming through.

Hey, pal. Polio.

A thousand apologies.

Swipe, swipe, swipe.

Come on,
I'm not getting any matches!

All right, Quagmire,
we gotta talk.

This whole thing's
out of control, Quagmire.

You gotta get off Tinder.

Yeah, there's plenty
of nice women
out in the real world

to meet the old-fashioned way.

And on top of that,
Tinder makes you gross.

♪ There was a time
when you'd be more selective

♪ When you were horny
and feeling erective

♪ Now one swipe
and there's thousands
to bone

♪ All from a sex app
you use on your phone

♪ That's the Tinder

♪ A lot of sad lonely gals
who want babies

♪ Three-hundred pounders
infested with scabies

♪ Leather gimps
who do nothing but moan

♪ These are the weirdos
you find on your phone ♪

You know,
a surprising number of them
live near the airport.

♪ Gonorrhea, HPV, ah

♪ You will catch a dose

♪ Of blisters and itching
and genital warts

♪ 'Cause Tinder
makes you so gross

♪ And for kids
it's kind of tragic

♪ Sex for them
has lost its magic

♪ Bangin' every Tom and Dick
and Jack and Jill and Joan

♪ And this also
might surprise you

♪ All your married friends
despise you

♪ 'Cause we're not allowed
to have an orgy
through our phone

♪ You're perverted

♪ Barely human

♪ You're not even close

♪ A filthy degenerate
seeking a thrill

♪ Your spirits and genitals
run through the mill

♪ With plenty of hoes
and prescriptions to fill

♪ 'Cause Tinder
makes you so gross ♪

You guys can just forget it.
I'm not quitting Tinder.

Guys, I've been to the doctor's.

I do have a baby in my butt.

Mmm, you're still here.

Did we...

What the deuce?

Brian! Brian!

Yes, is it possible
to get Showtime for free
for the next, like, two hours

- to see if I like it?
- Brian!

What is this?
What's happening to me?

Oh, my God! Stewie!

It's gotta be from
wearing that damn
brace all the time.

Your neck must've
atrophied so much

it can no longer
support your head.

You've gotta take me
to the hospital!

Absolutely! Let me just
watch Jennifer's Body

and we'll go right there.

Brian, there's no nudity
in that movie.

Take me to the hospital!

What, so it's rated R
for curses?

God, this country.

Is it...
Is it noticeable?

Nothing that can't be fixed

with a string of
chili pepper
Christmas lights.

I wore that brace
for the next five years
of my life.

The kids stopped cheering
the second day.

Then it was just,
"Get off the swing,
you Christmas turd."

I'll have another one, Jerome.

You sure you haven't had
too many?

Just gimme a drink!

Sir, is everything all right?

I'm fine! I'm fine!
Oh, hey.

Are you on Tinder?

What? That gross
dating thing?

No. Look, I'm not
trying to pick you up.

It just seemed like
you were upset
about something.

And I know when I'm upset,

it's nice to let
someone else in.

Giggity.

What did you just say?

I don't know.
I think I said...
I said "Giggity."

Okay...

Come on, Quagmire.
This is a real girl
right in front of you.

Just pick her up
and take her home.
You don't need your phone.

Don't listen to him.
I'm all you need.

Are you really gonna
listen to a phone over me?

God, I don't know why
I do this anymore!

Don't give up,
miniature Quagmire.

This is exactly why you got into

the over-the-shoulder
advice business.

Ignore him, miniature Quagmire!

Give up on your attempt
to convince real Quagmire

to not use Tinder
and to instead have sex

with this woman who's
right in front of him.

Wait, what's going on?
I'm just saying,

you used to have skills
that no one else had.

That took you years to hone.
You were an artist.

Ah, damn,
I think I was too wordy.

I'm still an artist.

What was that?

I was just saying,
I am upset about something.

I thought you were.
Do you wanna talk
about it?

I do. I buried
my twin brother today.

We were very close.
We used to finish
each other's...

Um...

Sentences?

Oh, oh, I just got chills.

I'm Sandra.

I'm Glenn.

You know, I just...
I just feel like my penis
shouldn't be alone tonight.

All right!

Well, looks like
Quagmire's back.

Yep. He's scumming
it up in the real
world again.

And all it took
was for us to hire

that $200 dirty prostitute

to pretend to be
a nice lady in a bar.

I'm just glad she's a prostitute

and not that lady
murderer that's been
all over the news.

Hi, I'm that prostitute
you guys hired to
seduce your friend.

Oh, boy.
Well, deal's off.
He's dead.

But perhaps we can make
other arrangements.

Hey, do you think
I could try to kick one?

No, you're all-time goalie!