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1
00:00:01,985 --> 00:00:04,686
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:08,257
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,325 --> 00:00:11,877
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,847
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:18,083
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,520
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,121
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,940
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,008 --> 00:00:29,210
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:37,686
Hey, do you think
homeless people ever
have sex with each other?
11
00:00:37,755 --> 00:00:39,849
Probably. But I don't
wanna think about it.
12
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,451
I know for a fact they do.
13
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:45,126
I spend most
of my day breaking up
in-progress homeless sex.
14
00:00:45,195 --> 00:00:46,328
I bet it stank.
15
00:00:46,396 --> 00:00:47,779
Oh, it stank all right.
16
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:50,349
So, we're talking group stuff
or just one on one?
17
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:53,563
Oh, anything goes.
Whatever you can
fit under a tarp.
18
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:56,037
There's a major hot spot
behind the dumpster
19
00:00:56,106 --> 00:00:57,456
at The Cheesecake Factory.
20
00:00:57,524 --> 00:00:59,653
Hey, what's up with the menus
at The Cheesecake Factory?
21
00:00:59,677 --> 00:01:00,959
Why do they got to be so big?
22
00:01:01,011 --> 00:01:03,028
Yeah, and why does
their menu have ads?
23
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:05,430
I go there for dinner,
not to shop for appliances.
24
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,848
Hey, you know what, guys?
25
00:01:06,916 --> 00:01:10,068
This right here,
this rambling
boring conversation
26
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:12,587
containing already-made-before
observations,
27
00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:13,922
this could be a podcast.
28
00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:15,635
Ah. It's actually
not a bad idea.
29
00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,092
Really? A podcast?
30
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,305
Don't you have to be
some sort of whiz kid
to do those?
31
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,063
Uh, definitely not.
Anyone with
a computer can make one.
32
00:01:22,132 --> 00:01:24,182
Well, that's it.
We're anyone.
33
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,418
Let's do a podcast
from right here in the booth.
34
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,736
Who's in?
Yeah, sure.
35
00:01:27,805 --> 00:01:29,182
Let's do it!
Is it happening?
36
00:01:29,206 --> 00:01:30,939
Are we doing it now?
Awesome.
37
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:34,259
We haven't done
anything as a group
since we went bird-watching.
38
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,739
Guys, look.
39
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,796
It's the
yellow-headed puffin face.
40
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,097
Ooh!
41
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:40,699
It's a solitary creature.
42
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,869
Its feathered crown
is designed
to scare away mates.
43
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,482
It's known to swell its face
44
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,150
to assert dominance
when threatened.
45
00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:48,534
What does it eat, Peter?
46
00:01:48,558 --> 00:01:51,278
Gin and whatever
is in the bowl
at the airport bar.
47
00:01:57,935 --> 00:02:00,586
I said, damn,
what a wild couple of days.
48
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,487
Anyways, 'sup with you guys?
49
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,915
Sorry, amigo, not interested.
50
00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:10,373
This is what happens
when you lick
your spilled latte
51
00:02:10,397 --> 00:02:11,629
off the steering wheel.
52
00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:13,109
She did that.
She's gross.
53
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,583
Lois, are you okay?
54
00:02:14,651 --> 00:02:16,195
Ugh, yeah,
it's just my allergies.
55
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,485
They've been awful.
56
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,749
I can't figure out what it is.
57
00:02:21,258 --> 00:02:23,937
Maybe it's Brian.
He practically
sleeps on top of you.
58
00:02:23,961 --> 00:02:25,593
You could be allergic to him.
59
00:02:25,662 --> 00:02:28,308
Hey, here's an idea, Chris.
Why don't you mind
your own business?
60
00:02:28,332 --> 00:02:30,210
You know, I did read that people
61
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:32,684
could develop allergies
to their pets.
62
00:02:32,752 --> 00:02:34,464
Brian, maybe you shouldn't sleep
63
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,115
in our bedroom
for a little while.
64
00:02:36,139 --> 00:02:38,184
What? Well, then where
am I supposed to sleep?
65
00:02:38,208 --> 00:02:41,226
How about in
your own apartment
like a grown-up?
66
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,906
Do you have a problem
with me, Chris?
67
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:46,298
Why don't you sleep
in Stewie's room?
There's plenty of space.
68
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,501
Roomies? Dude,
this'll be so ill!
69
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,336
Who are you?
I'll tell you who.
70
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,599
Your new roommate.
71
00:02:52,623 --> 00:02:54,239
Ugh.
72
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:58,544
I'm gonna go take a shower,
so I can blow my nose
into my hands.
73
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,379
Damn it!
I hate this house.
74
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,215
- Morning, honey.
- Go to hell.
75
00:03:08,205 --> 00:03:10,305
All right, you guys.
Podcast time.
76
00:03:10,373 --> 00:03:12,924
We got the equipment
and the perfect business plan.
77
00:03:12,992 --> 00:03:15,944
Give our show away for free,
and tell no one
how to find it.
78
00:03:16,013 --> 00:03:17,013
Ready?
79
00:03:17,814 --> 00:03:19,447
Hey there, the net.
80
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,934
Welcome to the first episode
of Thanks for the Clammeries.
81
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:25,153
I'm here
with Glenn Quagmire.
Hi.
82
00:03:25,222 --> 00:03:26,338
Cleveland Brown.
83
00:03:27,224 --> 00:03:28,573
And...
Hello.
84
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:31,343
And Joe Swanson.
Yowzaa!
85
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,056
All right, Quagmire,
what've you got for us?
86
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,412
Let's make a clammery.
87
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:37,982
Okay, this is "Yes or no".
Are you ready, Peter?
Yes or no.
88
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,767
French toast.
Yes.
89
00:03:39,837 --> 00:03:41,703
French fries.
Yes.
90
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,738
French kissing.
I don't know.
91
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,307
These questions are weird.
Okay, okay, someone else.
92
00:03:46,376 --> 00:03:48,293
Cleveland, yes or no?
93
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,644
Velcro shoes.
94
00:03:49,713 --> 00:03:51,479
Hmm. Velcro shoes.
95
00:03:51,548 --> 00:03:53,376
Ooh-wee, that's a tough one.
96
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,800
I remember the first time
I saw me a pair of cros.
97
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:59,287
They were on
the feet of Spunkytessie.
Man, they was dandies.
98
00:03:59,356 --> 00:04:01,534
Every time we played
touch football,
99
00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:04,125
Spunky would step
in a pile of dog poo.
100
00:04:04,194 --> 00:04:07,173
You can wash a shoe,
but you can't
really wash a lace.
101
00:04:07,197 --> 00:04:09,031
That's why
Spunky made the change...
102
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:11,260
That's the thing
about Velcro shoes.
103
00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:13,718
Quiet going on,
noisy coming off.
104
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,971
That rip!
Monkey's mama thought
he was an intruder.
105
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,634
Shot him right in the face.
106
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,487
Had an open casket
at the funeral.
107
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:22,188
But only open
on the middle part.
108
00:04:22,212 --> 00:04:25,408
To this day,
every time I see
a pile of dog doo,
109
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,116
I take a step in it
just for Spunky.
110
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:32,937
So to answer the question,
I'm gonna have to say
both yes and no.
111
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,886
All right,
that's all the time we got.
112
00:04:34,925 --> 00:04:37,926
I'd like to thank our sponsor,
the US Postal Service.
113
00:04:37,994 --> 00:04:39,478
When you want
something expensive
114
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:40,946
thrown on your porch and stolen,
115
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,431
you want the US Postal Service.
116
00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:44,599
What the hell was that?
117
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,230
I know. Cleveland,
you ruined
the whole podcast.
118
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:49,771
Yeah, if I wanted to hear
a black guy ramble
like a lunatic,
119
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,189
I'd watch Family Feud.
120
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:52,985
Yeah, I mean,
that was worse
than an Italian guy
121
00:04:53,009 --> 00:04:55,160
describing someone's sexuality.
122
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,345
Anyway, my brother
Louie, he's a...
123
00:04:57,414 --> 00:04:59,059
He's a little off
to the side, you know?
124
00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:01,183
Uh, foofie.
Uh, up to the knuckle.
125
00:05:01,251 --> 00:05:03,285
He's a...
He's a backwards mechanic.
126
00:05:03,353 --> 00:05:05,247
Likes to play in the dirt.
You mean gay?
127
00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:08,072
No!
Mama! Marone, Peter!
128
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:11,026
Mama, Louie's not gay.
He's... He's creative.
129
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:20,363
Hey, Stewie,
thanks for letting me
stay in your room.
130
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:22,721
Oh, Brian, please.
It's our room now.
131
00:05:22,773 --> 00:05:24,033
Hey, what are we
gonna do tonight?
132
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,456
Maybe we should watch that movie
133
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,242
about Freud
where Michael Fassbender
134
00:05:27,311 --> 00:05:30,194
repeatedly spanks
Keira Knightley to orgasm.
135
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,363
You saw that movie?
I saw that scene.
136
00:05:34,117 --> 00:05:36,284
So, I was thinking
this could be your area.
137
00:05:36,352 --> 00:05:37,931
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, this is great.
138
00:05:37,955 --> 00:05:40,471
And, fair warning,
some of the books are pop-up.
139
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,707
So don't be alarmed.
Argh! Son of a bitch!
140
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,342
Freaking bird
came out of nowhere.
141
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:46,489
You know,
I have a good feeling
about this, Brian.
142
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,324
After all, you certainly
can't be any worse
143
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,108
than the last roommate I had.
144
00:05:52,869 --> 00:05:54,280
What the...
Please don't cry.
145
00:05:54,304 --> 00:05:55,915
She's already very angry at me.
146
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,455
Peter, where are you?
147
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,502
You will wash your hands
after you poop.
148
00:06:00,677 --> 00:06:01,717
I won't.
149
00:06:06,182 --> 00:06:08,934
You know, this is exciting.
Our second podcast.
150
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,262
All right,
but listen up, Cleveland.
151
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:12,036
No more of your long stories,
all right?
152
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,338
Yeah, people aren't
used to boring podcasts.
153
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:17,625
I'm sorry. I suppose
they ought
to call me "jelly."
154
00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:19,975
'Cause sometimes,
I get on a roll.
155
00:06:20,030 --> 00:06:23,314
That.
None of that.
156
00:06:23,366 --> 00:06:26,184
Welcome once again
to Thanks for the Clammeries.
157
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,520
Okay, common question
that everybody thinks about.
158
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,750
How many fourth graders
you think you could
take at once?
159
00:06:30,774 --> 00:06:31,957
What?
160
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,219
I mean, obviously,
if you had to fight against
161
00:06:33,243 --> 00:06:34,926
a million fourth graders,
you'd lose.
162
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,678
So, like,
what's the real number?
163
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:38,883
Like, what's the legitimate
number of fourth graders
164
00:06:38,948 --> 00:06:40,515
that you could
successfully take on?
165
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,450
Let's say 100.
That sounds reasonable.
166
00:06:42,519 --> 00:06:44,113
Oh, no way.
One hundred
and you're dead.
167
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,932
Why are we fightin' now?
'Cause they're idiots.
168
00:06:45,956 --> 00:06:48,873
Did they say something
about my mother?
What...
169
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,542
Yes. Okay, yeah.
We'll say yes.
170
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:51,960
Oh, then a baker's dozen.
171
00:06:52,028 --> 00:06:53,139
What kind of weapons?
172
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,803
Only what's available
in the schoolyard.
173
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,465
You can really
mess up some kids
with the chain from a swing.
174
00:06:57,534 --> 00:06:59,667
Just...
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
175
00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:00,902
I'll tell you what I'd do?
176
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,355
I'd back into a bathroom stall
and just start kickin'.
177
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,907
Dead, dead, dead!
Keep comin'. Dead.
178
00:07:05,975 --> 00:07:08,392
Give 'em a narrow entry point.
Make 'em come in single file.
179
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:12,013
Dead! Anyway, I guess
I'm trying to say
800 fourth graders.
180
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,793
Why are we talkin'
about killing kids?
181
00:07:13,817 --> 00:07:16,262
People are gonna
hate this. Peter,
do something else quick.
182
00:07:16,286 --> 00:07:17,686
Uh...
183
00:07:17,754 --> 00:07:19,504
What if I play
some kickass music?
184
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,973
♪ You got to know
when to hold her ♪
185
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,853
"Kickass"?
This is not kickass.
186
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,510
Hang on, hang on.
I'll find something.
187
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:30,076
You're playing
two songs at once.
What even is this?
188
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,300
I don't know.
I'm just pressing buttons.
189
00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:34,519
I gotta admit,
it does have a groove.
190
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,804
Look, those people
are even dancin' to it.
191
00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:40,658
♪ Every gambler knows
that the secret to survivin' ♪
192
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:43,795
Oh, great.
I accidentally started
Chris's birth video.
193
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,398
Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
194
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,616
Ow! Ow!
195
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:49,734
Help me!
196
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,786
Hey, what's that song
you're playing?
197
00:07:51,854 --> 00:07:54,589
I don't know.
It's just random garbage
from my computer.
198
00:07:54,658 --> 00:07:57,192
- Oh, you're a DJ.
- That's perfect.
199
00:07:57,260 --> 00:07:59,727
I own a night club
for cocaine people
and Armenians.
200
00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:01,663
I need noise.
You available?
201
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,064
We're in!
Great.
202
00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:06,250
I'll see you guys
Wednesday at 2:00 a.m.
203
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,681
What the hell was that?
We're supposed
to be doing a podcast.
204
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:09,982
Peter, I don't know
if you'd noticed,
205
00:08:10,006 --> 00:08:11,701
but the podcast was a disaster.
206
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:14,470
Yeah, and we were looking
for something to do
as a foursome.
207
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,394
But how can I be a DJ?
208
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,414
I'm just a guy with a laptop
and an inflated self-image.
209
00:08:19,482 --> 00:08:20,748
Trust me, you're perfect.
210
00:08:20,817 --> 00:08:22,701
All right, sounds good.
Let's do this.
211
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:26,129
Okay, but hold on.
I got four quarters
on Golden Tee.
212
00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:28,790
How am I doin'?
213
00:08:28,858 --> 00:08:31,409
Good job, Joe.
A hole in one.
214
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:34,958
He just keeps switching clubs.
215
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,721
Kids, time for dinner.
Where's your father?
216
00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:44,639
I think he's getting
ready for his DJ gig.
217
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:45,885
His what?
218
00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:50,011
Hmm. Still a trace
of melody.
219
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,640
I'll just add some power tools.
220
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:58,486
Yeah, yeah, I'd drink
vodka and Gatorade to that.
221
00:08:58,554 --> 00:09:00,638
Peter, since when are you a DJ?
222
00:09:00,690 --> 00:09:02,301
Since some guy came in The Clam
223
00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:04,153
and heard my awesome
jams and beats.
224
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,111
Well, he's got the lingo down.
225
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:08,630
Thanks, Chris.
Now scream!
226
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,533
Hey, you are good at this, Dad.
227
00:09:12,602 --> 00:09:15,269
Peter, knock it off.
You're a middle-aged man.
228
00:09:15,338 --> 00:09:16,921
You can't be a DJ.
229
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,806
Why not?
I could totally be a DJ.
230
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:21,292
For God's sake,
John Travolta is a pilot.
231
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,105
This is your captain speakin'.
232
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:25,146
We've reached
our cruisin' altitude.
233
00:09:25,215 --> 00:09:28,433
It is now safeto take off your wigsand be gay.
234
00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:36,174
Whoa, what's all this?
235
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,170
Just some stuff I got
out of my storage unit.
236
00:09:38,194 --> 00:09:40,177
Check this out,
you'll love this.
237
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,063
Do I look like a Terminator dog?
238
00:09:42,131 --> 00:09:44,148
No.
Yeah, I do.
239
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,351
Look, I even brought
Tom Sizemore's Game of Life.
240
00:09:49,572 --> 00:09:52,490
"Sell rights to SavingPrivate Ryan residuals
241
00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:54,425
"to buy a case
of Coors Light."
242
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:59,564
"Steal your son's wallet
while he's in the shower."
243
00:10:02,051 --> 00:10:03,534
"Miss audition."
244
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:08,356
"Scoop someone's urine
from Starbucks toilet
245
00:10:08,425 --> 00:10:09,741
"to pass drug test."
246
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:12,460
Feels like we should be
moving these pieces backwards.
247
00:10:15,731 --> 00:10:17,598
Okay, let's make some noise
248
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:20,367
for DJ Peter and the Sound Slap!
249
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,483
♪ Giggity-giggity-giggity
250
00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:26,085
giggity-giggity giggity-giggity
251
00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:27,537
♪ Giggity-giggity-giggity
giggity-giggity-giggity ♪
252
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:29,694
Give it to 'em.
253
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,874
- ♪ Shut up, Meg
- Shut up, Meg ♪
254
00:10:36,986 --> 00:10:38,330
♪ Peter, Peter, Peter
255
00:10:38,354 --> 00:10:40,121
♪ Road house, road house
256
00:10:40,189 --> 00:10:42,089
♪ That's nasty, that's nasty
257
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,215
- ♪ What?
- Wha-wha-wha-what? ♪
258
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,477
This place is awesome.
Totally.
259
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:50,264
Hey, did you see Tom Sizemore
in the bathroom with a ladle?
260
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:59,986
You've been playing
the exact same song
for 14 hours.
261
00:11:00,010 --> 00:11:02,843
That means you're great.
I was right about you guys.
262
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,330
Weird you turned that
into a compliment
about yourself.
263
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:07,031
Well, I'm on cocaine.
264
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:11,152
My kid's baseball team
came in second place.
265
00:11:11,221 --> 00:11:12,786
I don't care about that.
266
00:11:12,855 --> 00:11:15,806
But listen, there's a big
music festival coming up.
267
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:19,493
You've got some mad DJ skills.
You could be our headliner.
268
00:11:21,831 --> 00:11:23,731
"Electric Clam Festival"?
269
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,484
Yeah, it's gonna be awesome.
So, what do you say?
270
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,063
I don't know.
I should probably check
271
00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:29,114
with the guys
and see what they...
272
00:11:29,138 --> 00:11:31,083
What? You don't
need the guys.
273
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,991
I didn't see their fingers
press three buttons.
274
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:36,010
Ah. I guess
I do have a gift.
275
00:11:36,079 --> 00:11:37,345
So, are you in?
276
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,946
Yeah, that'd be amazing.
277
00:11:39,015 --> 00:11:41,048
Can I kiss you?
Excuse me?
278
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,512
I don't know.
Someone gave me a pill,
279
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:44,769
and now all I want to do
is feel your jacket.
280
00:11:44,821 --> 00:11:47,472
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah.
281
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:49,507
No, no! Stay here,
stay here.
282
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,520
That, that.
See, listen. Right there.
283
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,899
You can't hear that on the CD.
Only the vinyl, man.
284
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:02,503
I'm glad we hung out
after you struck out
with my mom.
285
00:12:02,572 --> 00:12:05,234
You know,
I could have used some help
folding these fitted sheets.
286
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,102
Who's this turd?
Oh, this is Georgie.
287
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:09,610
Brian, I never said
you could have guests.
288
00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:10,995
Hey, don't touch that!
289
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:14,382
Okay, red flags flying.
Look, I need him out of here.
290
00:12:14,451 --> 00:12:16,067
You can't kick him out,
he's my friend.
291
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,284
And I live here too.
292
00:12:17,353 --> 00:12:19,498
Not anymore!
I want you
out of my room.
293
00:12:19,522 --> 00:12:21,842
Well, it's not
your room anymore.
It's our room.
294
00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:23,824
Lois said so.
And I'm not leaving.
295
00:12:23,893 --> 00:12:26,639
I can't believe
I ever wanted you here
in the first place.
296
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,307
You're messy, you're loud,
297
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:30,931
and thanks to you,
we've got a recurring
Flea problem.
298
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,921
Hey, Bri!
You wanna hang out?
299
00:12:36,989 --> 00:12:38,940
Go away, Flea!
You're not welcome here!
300
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,741
And put on a shirt.
You're 50!
301
00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:42,010
Actually, 54.
302
00:12:51,220 --> 00:12:53,754
Peter, I was plowing
this college chick last night,
303
00:12:53,823 --> 00:12:55,823
and I saw this flyer
on her mini-fridge.
304
00:12:59,162 --> 00:13:00,911
I thought we were
all in this together.
305
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,107
Well, yeah, that's the thing.
306
00:13:02,131 --> 00:13:04,648
A guy on cocaine
told me I am the talent.
307
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,317
So, what, you just droppin' us?
308
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:07,963
Yeah, how could you
just ditch us?
309
00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:10,366
All right, you know what?
You guys were
riding my coattails.
310
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:11,834
I carried you
as long as I could.
311
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:13,991
But Rob Kardashian
is gonna be at this thing.
312
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,504
So I gotta be at my best.
313
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,206
Now, get out of here.
I gotta practice.
314
00:13:18,748 --> 00:13:20,868
Damn it, Peter,
that's too loud!
Turn it down!
315
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,101
That isn't loud.
This is!
316
00:13:25,755 --> 00:13:29,223
It's not loud
until you can feel
your head bones.
317
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:31,332
If you can't hack it,
take a hike.
318
00:13:32,195 --> 00:13:33,694
Why is he being such a jerk?
319
00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:36,391
I don't know.
We've always had
each other's backs.
320
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:37,726
Like when we used to rob banks
321
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,878
in lesser-known
presidents' masks.
322
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:42,465
All right, remember
to tell everyone
who did this!
323
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,666
Um, who are you guys
supposed to be?
324
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:46,824
Oh, come on.
I'm James K. Polk.
325
00:13:46,893 --> 00:13:49,343
He's Millard Fillmore,
he's William Henry Harrison.
326
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:51,406
First president
to die in office.
327
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:53,142
You should have been FDR.
328
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,161
Why?
'Cause of the...
329
00:13:55,185 --> 00:13:57,480
You know.
The wheelchair
doesn't define me!
330
00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:01,221
And I'm Grover Cleveland.
It's funny 'cause
my name's Cleveland.
331
00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:03,486
Oh, damn it, Cleveland.
Now we gotta kill 'em all.
332
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,942
This guy gets it first.
333
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:14,885
Ugh. Didn't you
hear the alarm?
334
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:18,356
Peter, wake up!
We're gonna
be late for church.
335
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,307
Are you even listening to me?
336
00:14:20,376 --> 00:14:22,126
You've got to stop
coming home so late
337
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,745
if you can't get up
in the morning...
338
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,871
Oh, God!
I can't hear Garfield!
339
00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:52,039
I've gone deaf!
340
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,527
All right, now, how long
has your husband
smelled like this?
341
00:15:01,551 --> 00:15:04,001
Oh, no. That's just
from riding here
in a hot car.
342
00:15:04,053 --> 00:15:06,187
But, Dr. Hartman,
what about his hearing?
343
00:15:06,255 --> 00:15:08,684
"Hearing"?
This is a hospital,
I'm not a lawyer.
344
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:11,191
Oh, for God's sake,
is my husband deaf?
345
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:14,112
Well, there's only one way
to find out definitively.
346
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:16,581
Hey, stupid deaf guy!
347
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:19,144
Well, I've gotten
the results back.
He's deaf.
348
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,551
This is horrible.
349
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:23,053
This must be
because of all that
loud blaring music
350
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,955
he's been playing
in those night clubs.
351
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,340
What's going on?
352
00:15:26,409 --> 00:15:29,126
Can he fix it in time for me
to DJ at the music festival?
353
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:30,555
No.
What?
354
00:15:30,613 --> 00:15:32,063
No!
What?
355
00:15:33,632 --> 00:15:34,977
Are you sure?
Yes!
356
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:36,016
What?
357
00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:38,205
Have a good life.
358
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,521
Hey, guys. I don't know
if you've heard,
but I've gone deaf.
359
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:47,840
You what?
What?
360
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,113
Oh, you're ear-crippled?
361
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,377
I can't hear you, Joe.
Here's a bag of Alpha-Bits.
362
00:15:51,401 --> 00:15:53,682
Please spell out
what you're sayin'.
363
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:56,854
There's no Ls.
364
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:58,334
By the way, I ate all the Ls.
365
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,036
They're delicious.
They're my favorite ones.
366
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,637
What're you talking about?
They all taste the same.
367
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:04,140
What?
Why don't you
just text it to him?
368
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:05,490
You know, that's a good idea.
369
00:16:05,514 --> 00:16:07,548
"What the hell do you want?
370
00:16:07,617 --> 00:16:10,417
"You told us
you were a big shot DJ,
371
00:16:10,486 --> 00:16:12,397
"and didn't want
anything to do with us."
372
00:16:14,356 --> 00:16:15,672
I don't think he can hear it.
373
00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:17,741
Oh, son of a bitch!
Look at your phone!
374
00:16:19,095 --> 00:16:20,511
Oh, what do I want?
375
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:24,265
Um, the Electric Clam Festival
is coming up
and I need your help.
376
00:16:24,333 --> 00:16:26,946
Now that I'm deaf,
I can't do it
without you guys.
377
00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:28,886
Forget it!
You told us
to go to hell.
378
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:30,421
Well, now, you can go to hell.
379
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,169
Oh, great. Thanks.
I knew I could
count on you guys.
380
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,873
No, we said no!
What?
381
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,482
One, two, thr... Ah, crap.
382
00:16:42,118 --> 00:16:43,651
One, two... Come on.
383
00:16:43,719 --> 00:16:45,759
All right, this time
for the world record.
384
00:16:48,724 --> 00:16:50,107
Ew! What the hell is that?
385
00:16:50,159 --> 00:16:52,087
It's a ferret.
Look at it, Brian.
386
00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:53,394
It's like a long rat.
387
00:16:53,463 --> 00:16:55,641
Like a living tail.
Look at its feet.
388
00:16:55,665 --> 00:16:58,065
Ew, they're gross.
Why did you get a ferret?
389
00:16:58,133 --> 00:17:00,200
All the worst
roommates have ferrets.
390
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,863
You want to pet it?
It bites.
391
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,905
I can't sleep with
that monster in here.
392
00:17:03,973 --> 00:17:06,013
That's the idea.
I want you out.
393
00:17:06,075 --> 00:17:08,315
This room belongs to me
and the ferret now.
394
00:17:08,377 --> 00:17:10,060
Why are you being
such a dick about this?
395
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:13,329
Because you're
a pain in the ass
to live with!
396
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:14,693
What did you just do?
397
00:17:14,717 --> 00:17:17,201
I just pushed
a little bitch baby.
398
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,536
Argh!
399
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,618
Brian, there you are.
I wanted to tell you
400
00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:25,704
that you can come back
and sleep in our room.
401
00:17:25,728 --> 00:17:27,278
What? I can?
402
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:30,476
Yeah, it turns out
it was Peter who was
causing my allergies.
403
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,344
He stuffed
all our pillows
with hay
404
00:17:32,368 --> 00:17:35,920
because he thought
it looked comfortable
in cartoons.
405
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,973
Well, then, I guess
I'm moving out.
406
00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:40,858
I guess you are.
407
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:44,729
Look,
Stewie, I probably
got a little carried away.
408
00:17:44,798 --> 00:17:47,198
I'm sorry I wasn't
the best roommate.
409
00:17:48,017 --> 00:17:49,216
Hey, Brian?
410
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,402
You know, maybe I wasn't
such a great guy either.
411
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,053
I'm sorry.
412
00:17:53,122 --> 00:17:55,339
Ah, that's okay.
413
00:17:55,391 --> 00:17:57,391
You know, even if we were
bad roommates,
414
00:17:57,460 --> 00:17:59,188
we'll always be good friends.
415
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,595
I hope you and your ferret
are happy in here together.
416
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:02,825
Well, now that
you're moving out,
417
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,009
I'll probably just
drown it in the tub.
418
00:18:04,033 --> 00:18:05,132
Argh!
419
00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:07,118
Brian! Brian!
420
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,519
It bit my nose!
421
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,166
He's latching on!
Stop moving.
I almost got him.
422
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:12,350
Fill the tub!
Fill the tub!
423
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:19,196
Hey, Stella,
can I ask you something?
424
00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:22,215
When you went deaf,
did your other senses
get better?
425
00:18:22,284 --> 00:18:24,702
No, that's a common myth.
426
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:28,739
Chances are
you'll be hit by a bus
in the first three months.
427
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,358
What?
428
00:18:30,426 --> 00:18:32,492
Oh, damn it, being deaf sucks!
429
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:34,929
I'd rather be stuck
on a Disney cruise.
430
00:18:34,997 --> 00:18:37,014
Ho-ho! Ho-ho!
431
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,683
Don't eat the shrimp. Ho-ho!
432
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:41,185
You know, the worst part
433
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:43,771
of all of this
is I lost my friends.
434
00:18:43,839 --> 00:18:46,306
I was a complete jerk to 'em.
435
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,259
I don't blame them
for not wanting to help me.
436
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:49,367
What?
437
00:18:49,411 --> 00:18:50,678
We heard you, Peter.
438
00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:53,814
Hey, Peter!
We're over here.
439
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,800
You gotta throw
something at him.
440
00:18:55,869 --> 00:18:57,451
Ow! Damn it!
441
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,680
What are you guys doin' here?
442
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,360
All right, Peter.
It's all queued up.
443
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,179
Just push this button.
444
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:42,913
Okay, here we go.
445
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,715
No, Peter! Not that one!
446
00:19:44,783 --> 00:19:48,435
Audible.com presents,
Are You There, Vodka?
It's Me, Chelsea.
447
00:19:48,504 --> 00:19:50,188
As read by Chelsea Handler.
448
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:52,123
Peter, that's the wrong track!
449
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,407
Yeah, pretty good stuff, huh?
450
00:19:54,476 --> 00:19:55,638
Chapter One.
451
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:58,111
Stuff I can fit
in my lady place.
452
00:19:58,180 --> 00:20:01,815
Up first,
Eiffel Tower Lego sculpture.
453
00:20:01,884 --> 00:20:02,933
Yup.
454
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,819
Peter, we gotta stop this.
455
00:20:04,887 --> 00:20:07,405
Soup thermos. Yup.
456
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:10,140
It's locked!
Yeah! Awesome, huh?
457
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,587
Wait, how come
everyone's leaving?
458
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,178
Brother brand
all-in-one fax scanner,
459
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,931
color copier with
phone attachment.
460
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,365
Yup.
461
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:25,639
Well, bad news.
462
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,426
'Cause of that
audiobook fiasco,
I got fired from the club.
463
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:31,012
Hey, what's with your voice?
Did you get your hearing back?
464
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:33,108
Oh, yeah, turns out
it wasn't the loud music
at the clubs
465
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:34,448
that made me go deaf.
466
00:20:34,517 --> 00:20:36,450
It was the fistfuls
of OxyContin.
467
00:20:36,519 --> 00:20:38,569
Well, that stinks
about your DJ job.
468
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,064
Sorry it didn't
work out for you.
469
00:20:40,088 --> 00:20:41,522
Yeah, it's okay.
470
00:20:41,590 --> 00:20:43,774
I just appreciate that
you guys were there for me,
471
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,676
and tried to help me out.
472
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,761
Especially after I'd been
such a jerk to you.
473
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,314
Well, it's good to have you
back to normal, Peter.
474
00:20:50,366 --> 00:20:53,267
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm up on Big Buck Hunter.
475
00:20:54,737 --> 00:20:57,399
I get 'em?
Oh, yeah,
you got 'em all, Joe.
476
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,940
We didn't even put quarters
in the game. He don't know.
477
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,307
♪ Yay!
478
00:21:05,331 --> 00:21:07,331
♪ Oh, no
479
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,278
- ♪ Giggity-giggity!
- Giggity-giggity!
480
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,313
- ♪ Who wants chowder?
- Who wants chowder?
481
00:21:11,337 --> 00:21:13,348
♪ You're sweet
482
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:15,740
- ♪ Peter,
- Peter, what the hell
483
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:18,608
- ♪ Shut up, Meg Butt-scratcher!
- Butt-scratcher!
484
00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:19,971
♪ Hey, Bonnie
485
00:21:19,995 --> 00:21:22,012
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-no!
486
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:23,241
♪ Giggity-giggity
487
00:21:23,265 --> 00:21:24,865
♪ Shut up, Meg
488
00:21:26,069 --> 00:21:28,263
- ♪ Effin' Christ!
- What the deuce!
489
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,481
♪ Whose leg
do I have to hump
490
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:30,648
to get a dry martini
around here?
491
00:21:30,672 --> 00:21:32,272
♪ Sweet! ♪
37705
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