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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,746
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:18,183
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,155
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,840
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,908 --> 00:00:29,645
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:36,379
We now return to
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00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:38,470
How David Lynch Stole Christmas.
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00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:44,693
Hello, I got you a present.
It's a thumb.
13
00:00:44,761 --> 00:00:47,796
Don't look away,
let the fear wash over you.
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00:00:47,865 --> 00:00:49,097
I don't understand.
15
00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:50,499
That's the whole point.
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00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:53,285
Now, did you leave a plate
of black coffee out for me?
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00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,053
No.
In the future,
18
00:00:55,122 --> 00:00:58,307
please leave
a plate of black coffee
out for me.
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00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,926
Also in the past.
20
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,961
You guys,
what are you doing
watching TV?
21
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,196
It's snowing.
Really?
22
00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:07,433
Wow, it's so beautiful.
23
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:10,201
Isn't it? And you know
what's a miracle, kids?
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00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:13,539
Every single
snowflake is exactly alike.
25
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,084
I don't think that's right.
26
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,392
No, it's true.
Just like fingerprints.
27
00:01:17,461 --> 00:01:19,172
All right,
you guys ready for church?
28
00:01:19,196 --> 00:01:20,706
Church?
What are you, an idiot?
29
00:01:20,730 --> 00:01:22,959
It's the first
snow of the season.
We're going sledding.
30
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,583
Please, can we, mom?
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00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:26,012
Well, I mean, it's Sunday...
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00:01:26,036 --> 00:01:27,319
Come on, Lois.
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00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:30,483
After all, sledding
was the second passion
of the Christ.
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00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,925
Eat this, for this is my dust.
35
00:01:37,915 --> 00:01:39,326
My sled has Dora on it
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00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:41,716
'cause my parents got
it at a yard sale.
37
00:01:41,785 --> 00:01:43,429
It's still for boys, though.
38
00:01:43,453 --> 00:01:46,013
She's about
language acquisition,
not gender.
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00:01:47,791 --> 00:01:51,209
Sorry, fun seekers.
This hill is
closed to sledding.
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00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,556
What? What are you
talking about?
41
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,958
Too many pansy-assed
parents sue the city
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00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:56,593
when their kids sprain a finger
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00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,444
or crush their
skull on a bumper.
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00:01:58,468 --> 00:02:01,548
I'm afraid
sledding has been
banned in Quahog.
45
00:02:01,572 --> 00:02:02,771
You can't do that.
46
00:02:02,839 --> 00:02:03,972
The last time I checked,
47
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,874
this is still
the United States of Tara.
48
00:02:05,943 --> 00:02:06,974
Obscure reference.
49
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:08,305
And I'm not gonna
let anybody tell me
50
00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,095
where I can and cannot sled.
51
00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:13,114
Yeah, you're right.
Power to the people.
52
00:02:13,183 --> 00:02:14,977
The whole world is watching.
53
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,282
The whole world is watching.
54
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,221
What...
What just happened?
55
00:02:20,290 --> 00:02:22,585
- Who cares?
- Last one down the hill...
56
00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:23,770
Oh, my God!
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00:02:23,794 --> 00:02:27,154
Call my mom.
I crushed my
skull on a bumper.
58
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:33,435
You serious,
all this white stuff
used to be water?
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00:02:33,503 --> 00:02:35,570
Mmm. My word.
60
00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:37,767
Joe, what are
you riding on?
Oh, it's a bedpan.
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00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,335
I got a ton of these at home.
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00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:42,027
You make every
activity incredibly sad.
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00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,406
There you are.
Where have you been?
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00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:50,068
I just ran home to get
the big sled out
of our dining room.
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00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:51,297
What are you talking about?
66
00:02:51,321 --> 00:02:52,832
We don't have a sled
in our dining room.
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00:02:52,856 --> 00:02:54,155
Everybody on.
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00:02:54,224 --> 00:02:56,541
Peter, that dining room table
is an antique.
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00:02:56,609 --> 00:02:58,777
It's been in my
family for six generations.
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00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,295
It's fine.
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00:03:00,364 --> 00:03:02,408
Okay, now since we're
white guys doing
something stupid,
72
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:03,865
everybody grab a GoPro.
73
00:03:08,472 --> 00:03:10,372
Yeah, this is awesome.
74
00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:12,785
Oh, we're drifting,
we're turning,
we're turning.
75
00:03:12,809 --> 00:03:15,209
- Dad, I'm scared.
- We're backwards!
76
00:03:15,245 --> 00:03:16,356
Am I the only one who thinks
77
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:18,981
that now we're at
an alarming speed?
78
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,071
Peter, are you insane?
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00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,157
You could have
killed the entire family!
80
00:03:29,225 --> 00:03:31,954
Sorry, Lois,
I honestly thought
this was going to be fun.
81
00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:34,346
Like when I won
that sex contest.
82
00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:36,982
First again!
Wasn't even close, was it?
83
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,117
No, Peter.
It wasn't even close.
84
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:40,986
Yeah, you are terrible at this.
85
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:44,272
Now, why don't you clean up
and go get the champ
a Gatorade, huh?
86
00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:51,858
You wearing pants
always amuses me.
87
00:03:51,882 --> 00:03:54,193
Yeah, I know.
It's just that I got
roped in to going to some
88
00:03:54,217 --> 00:03:56,968
stupid office Christmas party
with this girl I'm dating.
89
00:03:57,021 --> 00:03:59,482
Really?
I thought you just went
to an office Christmas party
90
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:00,617
with her last week.
91
00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:01,940
What? Oh, no.
92
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:04,242
Um, no,
that was this other girl
I was dating.
93
00:04:04,311 --> 00:04:07,512
Um, her name was Couch.
94
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,758
Did you just say couch,
95
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,583
but pronounce it strangely
so it sounded like a name?
96
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:13,284
What's going on, Brian?
97
00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,731
All right, look.
I've been crashing
office Christmas parties
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00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:17,315
for the free
booze and drunk women
99
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:19,197
who don't want to spend
the holidays alone.
100
00:04:19,243 --> 00:04:21,226
Oh, so you're
a Christmas party creep.
101
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:23,945
Just like the fat man
is a pool party creep.
102
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,665
Now, Chris,
you're getting older.
So it's time for you to learn
103
00:04:26,717 --> 00:04:28,500
the classic pool party game,
104
00:04:28,552 --> 00:04:30,535
"Talk to somebody's
wife in a bikini
105
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,754
"until they cover
up uncomfortably."
106
00:04:32,823 --> 00:04:34,300
So, Bonnie,
how are things going?
107
00:04:34,324 --> 00:04:35,941
Oh, things are fine.
108
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,509
Been kind of busy lately.
109
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:39,478
What with Susie starting to...
110
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,263
Okay, bye.
111
00:04:41,331 --> 00:04:43,098
I had her for two seconds.
112
00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:45,400
Hey, Peter. What have you been
watching on TV lately?
113
00:04:45,469 --> 00:04:47,069
Oh, you know, this and that.
114
00:04:47,137 --> 00:04:49,332
There's a show
called Shipping Wars
that's actually kinda...
115
00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:50,689
Okay, bye.
116
00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,242
Oh, boy.
The Marshalls is
now a Nordstrom.
117
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,177
I feel like our
days at this mall
are numbered.
118
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:02,751
Well, we have $60.
119
00:05:02,819 --> 00:05:05,520
Let's see what kind of Chinese
press board garbage we can get
120
00:05:05,589 --> 00:05:08,239
to replace my grandmother's
priceless mahogany table.
121
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:10,491
Dad, look.
Santa's here.
122
00:05:12,195 --> 00:05:13,828
I want to sit on his lap.
123
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,592
Jeez, Chris. Come on.
You're in high school.
124
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,827
I'm gonna ask him for
a family trampoline.
125
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,018
Holy crap.
Get your ass up there.
126
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,321
You know what, Peter,
I'll get the table myself.
127
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:24,901
And then I might
just sit in that car
128
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,791
in the middle
of the mall and cry.
129
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,695
Sheesh, look at this line.
130
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,809
Yeah, no kidding.
And it's not moving.
131
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,993
Me and my adopted son
have been waiting
quite a while.
132
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,737
But... Why did you...
133
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:41,801
I didn't even ask.
So, is your son
a biolog?
134
00:05:41,825 --> 00:05:43,108
What? I'm not...
135
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,677
I don't watch
Modern Family, sorry.
136
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,662
Chris, wait here.
I'm gonna see what's going on.
137
00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,548
Hey, muscles,
what's taking so long?
138
00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:52,857
I'm sorry, sir.
This may shock you,
139
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,964
but it turns out
the seasonal Santa
we hired
140
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,521
has a drinking problem.
141
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:59,469
And I don't where to find
a replacement on
such short notice.
142
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,554
Hey, you're a hefty guy.
143
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:02,977
I called you muscles!
144
00:06:03,046 --> 00:06:05,291
Would you mind
putting on the suit
and playing Santa?
145
00:06:05,315 --> 00:06:07,832
Just until the shift ends.
I'd pay you for your time.
146
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,350
All right, fine.
147
00:06:09,419 --> 00:06:11,347
It's not the first time
I pretended
to be someone else.
148
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,689
I once dressed as a farmer
to get a date on
farmersonly.com.
149
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,675
Are you Peter?
Yeah.
150
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:19,138
Are you the gross lady who lives
151
00:06:19,162 --> 00:06:20,957
in the converted horse trailer?
152
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,115
♪ You don't have to be lonely
153
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:27,552
♪ At farmersonly.com ♪
154
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:30,655
It doesn't say
whites only, but, yeah...
155
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,434
'Sup? Slammin' pantsuit.
156
00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:43,935
Hey, I'm Scott Fitzgerald.
157
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,065
You probably
don't recognize me
'cause I'm in corporate.
158
00:06:46,089 --> 00:06:48,256
So am I.
This is corporate.
159
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:51,559
Little too much
so if you ask me.
160
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:53,678
I try to have fun, right?
I mean...
161
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,513
We're not landing planes here.
162
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:58,766
Our company manufactures
aircraft landing gear systems.
163
00:06:58,835 --> 00:07:00,151
Yep. Mmm-hmm.
164
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:03,571
Well, I am gonna fly us over
a few more drinks.
165
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:08,120
Stewie, what are
you doing here?
I followed you.
166
00:07:08,144 --> 00:07:09,344
I had to see for myself
167
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,529
just how desperate
and pathetic you really are.
168
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,893
And don't worry,
I'm not sticking around
this sad little...
169
00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:15,895
Ooh, is that rolled
up ham for everyone?
170
00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:17,785
Yeah.
Okay.
171
00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:19,182
Well, I'll see you at home.
172
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:21,389
Hey, everyone,
karaoke's starting.
173
00:07:21,457 --> 00:07:23,708
Well, I can watch and make fun
for just a few...
174
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:26,188
Oh, my God!
They have a photo
booth with funny props.
175
00:07:26,212 --> 00:07:28,713
Oh, I call
the big funny glasses!
176
00:07:28,765 --> 00:07:32,600
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock
177
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:36,287
♪ Jingle bells swing
and jingle bells ring ♪
178
00:07:39,843 --> 00:07:42,027
and I want a tricycle,
and a pony,
179
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,595
and an American Girl Doll,
180
00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:46,264
and a drone with a camera,
and a gun that fires.
181
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,350
Ho, ho, ho.
Yeah, sure. All of it.
182
00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,136
All right,
now go pick up your picture.
183
00:07:51,187 --> 00:07:52,732
And before you go
crying to your mom,
184
00:07:52,756 --> 00:07:54,405
that's my
cellphone you're feeling.
185
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,038
Hey, Santa Claus.
You going home soon?
186
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:02,313
Oh, well,
depending on how traffic is
at the North Pole.
187
00:08:03,599 --> 00:08:06,061
So, what can I
get for you today?
Milk and cookies?
188
00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:10,038
Okay,
sorry I started this.
Chicken burrito, please.
189
00:08:10,107 --> 00:08:12,034
There you go.
Merry Christmas!
190
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:13,257
Now, how much do I...
191
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,210
Oh, come on.
I'm not charging Santa Claus.
192
00:08:15,278 --> 00:08:16,439
It's on the house.
193
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,130
This is free
because I'm dressed as Santa?
194
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,244
That's right.
Anything for Santa.
195
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,433
Anything?
196
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,270
Holy crap! This is awesome.
I'm Santa Claus.
197
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,438
In this suit I'm like a god!
198
00:08:32,562 --> 00:08:34,361
I got a free burrito.
199
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,356
Look at these two lumps.
200
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,924
♪ Up on the housetop
Click, click, click
201
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,805
♪ Slipped on the chimney
And broke his... ♪
202
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,128
Morning! Penis.
203
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,858
Dad, why are you
still wearing
that Santa suit?
204
00:08:52,882 --> 00:08:55,295
Well, the guy at the mall
asked me to stay
on till Christmas
205
00:08:55,319 --> 00:08:57,502
and I said yes,
because being
Santa's awesome.
206
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,420
You wear this suit,
it's like a free pass.
207
00:08:59,489 --> 00:09:00,969
People let you do
anything you want.
208
00:09:01,024 --> 00:09:02,352
What are you talking about?
209
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,242
Oh, it's
the stuff of dreams, Lois.
210
00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:07,128
Free burritos,
free orange chicken,
free pretzels.
211
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:08,975
Did you make it out
of the food court?
212
00:09:08,999 --> 00:09:10,248
I made it to the border.
213
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,684
I got a free iPhone case
and a tiny license plate.
214
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:14,068
It says Corey.
215
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,787
Yep. Cost me zilch.
216
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:24,913
So, who's this Mary Christmas
everybody keeps talking about?
217
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,700
That's very clever.
218
00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:31,486
Yeah, I don't recognize you.
Which department are you in?
219
00:09:31,554 --> 00:09:34,105
Well, right now
I'm in boob assessment.
220
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,523
Ew.
221
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,437
Hey, you were
right about office
Christmas parties.
222
00:09:37,461 --> 00:09:38,626
They're fantastic.
223
00:09:38,695 --> 00:09:40,356
Uh-huh. Okay.
I'm gonna keep looking
224
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,607
around the room while you talk.
225
00:09:41,631 --> 00:09:43,331
Yes, it's like
watching a soap opera.
226
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,367
What with all
the drunken misbehavior
and ill-advised hookups.
227
00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:48,481
And down the hall,
they're doing
a white elephant.
228
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,832
Oh, that gift exchange thing?
229
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:52,457
No, there's a fat secretary
taking on all comers.
230
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,726
Where...
Which office is that in?
231
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:57,512
Oh, you won't miss her.
She's still
wearing the felt antlers.
232
00:09:57,580 --> 00:09:59,447
Absolute freak show in there.
233
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,400
Hey, what the hell's going on?
234
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:05,364
Oh, Santa. I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
this was your car.
235
00:10:05,388 --> 00:10:07,806
That's right.
Now crumple up that ticket.
236
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,475
Now, eat it.
237
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,356
All right, now we're gonna
go to your home
and wait for you to pass it
238
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,547
and then you're
gonna eat it again.
239
00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:18,094
Hey, honey.
This is Santa.
240
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,929
He's gonna come in
and watch me in the bathroom.
241
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,364
Oh, just like
the Easter bunny did.
Exactly.
242
00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:24,622
I got a lot of guys
coming through here.
243
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:29,677
The next
composition is Opus Dei.
244
00:10:29,745 --> 00:10:31,412
Dei Dei Pater.
245
00:10:31,481 --> 00:10:33,731
Seventh movement by Chopin.
246
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:40,571
Correction,
the next composition is
247
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,908
1-877-Kars-4Kids.
248
00:10:47,363 --> 00:10:50,998
♪ 1-877-Kars-4Kids
249
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:54,752
♪ K-A-R-S-Kars-4Kids
250
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:58,272
♪ 1-877-Kars-4Kids
251
00:10:58,341 --> 00:11:01,359
♪ Donate your car today ♪
252
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:04,863
I lost my
virginity to this song.
253
00:11:10,653 --> 00:11:13,054
Ugh, this party's a dud.
Yeah, no kidding.
254
00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:15,106
That lady turned
off a Hall & Oates song
255
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,824
because it was too provocative.
256
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:19,594
Everyone,
let's remember,
this is still a work place.
257
00:11:19,662 --> 00:11:22,475
Sorry, Barb.
You know what?
I got an idea.
258
00:11:22,499 --> 00:11:25,300
I'm gonna stir up some drama,
make this party interesting.
259
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:29,314
Excuse me, uh,
could I have your
attention please?
260
00:11:29,338 --> 00:11:33,007
Hi, hi, I'm Chadwick Redmain
from the regional office.
261
00:11:33,075 --> 00:11:35,393
Unfortunately, since people
only use printers now
262
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:38,112
to print out boarding passes
for their grandparents,
263
00:11:38,181 --> 00:11:41,015
40% of you
will be laid off
as of Monday.
264
00:11:41,084 --> 00:11:43,764
Oh, and whoever drinks
the most shots
keeps their job.
265
00:11:47,991 --> 00:11:50,641
See, that's how you
get a party started.
266
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,588
Mr. Redmain,
I don't know who you are,
267
00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:55,274
but I've been in
charge of this office
for 16 years.
268
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,976
Sad.
And I wanna thank you.
269
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,167
I've been trying to reduce our
staff costs for months,
270
00:11:59,235 --> 00:12:02,353
but just didn't
have the guts to do it,
much less before Christmas.
271
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,188
Yeah, well,
that's why they send in
272
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,491
Channing Redwick
or Chadmain or...
273
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,343
I don't even
remember what I said.
274
00:12:08,411 --> 00:12:10,478
We could use someone like you
around here.
275
00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:13,581
Welcome aboard, see you Monday.
276
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:17,084
Wow, a paying grown-up job!
I haven't been this excited
about anything
277
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:19,854
since the night
Wicked premiered in Quahog.
278
00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:22,023
All right, Brian,
let's rob these gay guys.
279
00:12:22,091 --> 00:12:23,291
What if they're home?
280
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:24,976
They're not gonna be home.
281
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:30,481
Bye, Santa!
282
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:31,833
Bye, strippers.
283
00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:34,185
You can all take
your clothes off now.
284
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,704
I was just coming
in for the spaghetti.
285
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,776
Bitch! Oh, that hurts!
286
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:45,629
I'm drunk, heart's beating fast.
287
00:12:50,754 --> 00:12:54,505
Spaghetti angel!
I'm making a spaghetti angel.
288
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:59,427
When Italian guys die,
they turn into...
289
00:13:03,999 --> 00:13:06,251
Peter, Peter Griffin.
290
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:11,256
Peter, we need to talk.
291
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,991
Who are you?
292
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:15,160
I'm the real Santa Claus.
293
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:19,264
Awesome! Okay, my first wish
is for a thousand wishes. Yes!
294
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:20,831
That's not me, that's a genie.
295
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:23,401
Okay, then my first
wish is for a genie.
296
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,137
Again, you'd need a genie.
How wasted are you?
297
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:29,340
Don't judge me,
you live in a bottle.
It's a lamp.
298
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,059
And I'm not a genie!
299
00:13:37,633 --> 00:13:40,034
All right, come on now, pal.
Seriously, who are you really?
300
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:42,270
I already told you,
I'm Santa Claus.
301
00:13:42,338 --> 00:13:45,251
Oh, yeah?
Well, if you're Santa,
then what did I ask for
302
00:13:45,275 --> 00:13:46,819
for Christmas when I was 12?
303
00:13:46,843 --> 00:13:48,359
Nothing.
Because it was the year
304
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,068
you found that
Penthouse in the woods.
305
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:52,380
You really are Santa!
306
00:13:52,448 --> 00:13:56,367
Am I really heavier than you?
I gotta take control.
307
00:13:56,435 --> 00:13:58,302
Look, I'm not
very happy with you.
308
00:13:58,371 --> 00:13:59,865
You can't go
around in that suit,
309
00:13:59,889 --> 00:14:02,417
pretending you're me
and acting like
a complete jackass.
310
00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:03,569
What are you talking about?
311
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,370
People love me,
they give me free stuff.
312
00:14:05,394 --> 00:14:08,796
No, they love me.
You're just
exploiting my brand
313
00:14:08,864 --> 00:14:11,265
for personal gain
and destroying my reputation.
314
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,328
So there's like, no
toilet on the sleigh,
315
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,003
so you're just crapping
in people's houses, right?
316
00:14:16,071 --> 00:14:17,255
You're not hearing me!
317
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,340
Stop wearing that suit,
or else...
318
00:14:19,408 --> 00:14:20,975
Or else what?
319
00:14:21,044 --> 00:14:25,229
Or else I will put you
at the top of my naughty list.
320
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:27,526
You know, you're not talking
to a little kid anymore,
321
00:14:27,550 --> 00:14:29,244
so get the hell out
of my face, Santa.
322
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:31,163
I like this suit
and I'm keeping it.
323
00:14:31,187 --> 00:14:34,533
Now if you'll excuse me,
you're standing in my
strip club spaghetti.
324
00:14:34,557 --> 00:14:37,757
I gotta get this
home to my family
for supper.
325
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,831
You better watch out.
326
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:59,413
Gail, Gail!
Is your Internet working?
Mine's slow.
327
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:04,446
Oh, my God, Gail, what happened?
328
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:07,738
I just found out I'm part of
the downsizing you announced.
329
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,156
Oh, no!
330
00:15:09,225 --> 00:15:12,509
So your Internet, is it...
Is it slow?
331
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,207
Gail, you were
supposed to be gone
an hour ago.
332
00:15:15,231 --> 00:15:18,315
Hey, give her a break, man,
this is Gail Devereux Slansky.
333
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:21,235
Oh, it's just Gail Devereux now.
334
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:22,469
Ugh, tough week.
335
00:15:22,538 --> 00:15:24,016
Why don't you stop rubbernecking
336
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,841
and finish that
payroll report I asked for?
337
00:15:26,909 --> 00:15:31,028
I can't believe I got fired.
And right before the holidays.
338
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,314
Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas.
339
00:15:33,383 --> 00:15:36,700
Like the little drummer boy
when he got
really into Neil Peart.
340
00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:45,426
♪ Our finest gifts we bring
Pa rapa pum pum ♪
341
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:06,183
Christmas is gonna be sick!
342
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,886
So, dad, now that
you made Santa mad,
343
00:16:12,955 --> 00:16:15,322
aren't you scared
he's gonna do
something bad to you?
344
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,792
Ah, Santa's all talk.
He ain't gonna do nothing.
345
00:16:20,429 --> 00:16:22,763
Hey Peter,
ready to go to Build-A-Bear?
346
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,360
What?
What're you talking about?
347
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,300
I got your text,
it says, "Hey, Joe,
348
00:16:26,369 --> 00:16:28,569
"cancel your plans,
let's go to Build-A-Bear."
349
00:16:28,638 --> 00:16:29,920
I didn't send you a...
350
00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:33,357
Oh, son of a bitch! Santa.
Joe, I did not
send you a text.
351
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,709
Well, you sent
another text that says,
352
00:16:35,778 --> 00:16:37,979
"Hey, Joe,
it's definitely me, Peter,
353
00:16:38,047 --> 00:16:39,497
"who sent the text."
354
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,765
Damn it! He covered
all bases.
355
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,719
What do you think, Peter?
Maybe a little
sun hat for Cindy?
356
00:16:44,787 --> 00:16:46,982
Whatever,
I'm done with my bear.
Let's get out of here.
357
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,868
Well, the text
you sent earlier
would disagree.
358
00:16:49,892 --> 00:16:52,076
You said, "No matter what I say,
359
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:53,855
"I wanna build
multiple bears."
360
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:56,413
Joe, I swear to you,
I do not wanna do that.
361
00:16:57,583 --> 00:17:00,018
News flash,
Peter, looks like you do.
362
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:06,908
Would anyone like
to lead the family
in a holiday prayer?
363
00:17:06,976 --> 00:17:09,427
I'll tell ya who should be
saying his prayers. Santa!
364
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,490
He messes with me,
I mess with him.
365
00:17:11,514 --> 00:17:13,864
That's why I replaced
one of his flying reindeer
366
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:16,293
with an ordinary,
non-magical one.
367
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:21,004
Cut it off, cut it off!
368
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:28,396
You know, I think this year
is gonna be the best...
369
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,782
Yay, free horse!
370
00:17:42,378 --> 00:17:45,312
What the hell?
Hey, Chris, get in here!
371
00:17:45,381 --> 00:17:48,766
This is impossible, right?
All of Meg's farts
here in this box.
372
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,162
I would think that's impossible.
373
00:17:50,186 --> 00:17:51,952
Yeah, right?
That's impossible!
374
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,173
Is this the box?
Yeah, that's it.
375
00:17:58,528 --> 00:18:00,455
Yeah, that's impossible.
I know, it's impossible.
376
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:01,974
Okay, all right, I'm opening it.
377
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,732
Unless whoever
sent it was magic.
378
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:06,850
Oh, well, that's interesting.
379
00:18:11,874 --> 00:18:13,668
Chad, we gotta talk
about this report.
380
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:15,454
Why do you write
all your twos backwards?
381
00:18:15,478 --> 00:18:17,339
Well, you know it's a two,
so why are we talking?
382
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:19,129
Fix it or you're fired.
383
00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:22,533
You know what?
I thought working in a cubicle
384
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,969
at a midsized printing company
would be the adventure
of a lifetime.
385
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:28,723
Instead, it's been nothing
but tedium and cruelty.
386
00:18:28,791 --> 00:18:30,724
It's time to set things right.
387
00:18:31,828 --> 00:18:33,777
Here you go,
Warren, Merry Christmas.
388
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,629
$11,000?
389
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:37,447
Yes, it's the maximum
check amount
390
00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:40,617
I'm authorized to cut.
Cash it fast.
391
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:44,105
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
392
00:18:44,173 --> 00:18:46,585
Merry Christmas,
cash it fast.
Thanks, Chadwick.
393
00:18:46,609 --> 00:18:47,858
This is awesome!
394
00:18:47,926 --> 00:18:50,286
I think you mean
"happy holidays."
395
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,702
You gotta be kidding me.
396
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,873
This is too good.
397
00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:11,932
Point Griffin.
Let's see you top...
398
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,363
Now you gonna listen?
Now you gonna listen,
you little bitch?
399
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,314
Whose suit
are you wearing?
Your suit!
400
00:19:16,338 --> 00:19:19,323
Whose suit?
Your suit,
it's your suit!
401
00:19:22,312 --> 00:19:24,828
Okay, okay, I'll never wear
that Santa suit again!
402
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:28,031
Just stop terrorizing me
and take me off
the naughty list!
403
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,934
You promise?
Yes!
404
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:35,589
Thank you.
I've always known you were
a good boy deep inside, Peter.
405
00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:38,358
And just so you know,
there are no hard feelings.
406
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,344
This is for you.
407
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,946
It's that Penthouse
you found in the woods.
408
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:46,384
With Vanessa Williams
and George Burns on the cover!
409
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:47,902
I'm glad you like it!
410
00:19:47,970 --> 00:19:50,649
I had to buy it
from a really creepy
guy on the Internet.
411
00:19:50,673 --> 00:19:53,457
Look, Santa,
I owe you an apology.
412
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,059
I'm sorry I took advantage
of your good name.
413
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:59,597
You spread so
much joy and wonder
to kids everywhere,
414
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:02,966
and I just used that
to get stuff for myself.
415
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:08,188
Apology accepted,
and truth is,
you weren't the worst Santa.
416
00:20:08,257 --> 00:20:09,840
This was the worst Santa.
417
00:20:12,361 --> 00:20:13,944
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
418
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:16,597
Oh, and that's another thing.
It's, "Ho, ho, ho."
419
00:20:16,665 --> 00:20:19,667
Everybody pronounces it wrong,
it's very irritating.
420
00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:28,108
So long, Peter.
Glad to have you
back on the nice list.
421
00:20:36,352 --> 00:20:39,953
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho!
422
00:20:46,028 --> 00:20:49,162
- And that was the Christmas
- I would never forget.
423
00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:53,033
Until I went home and had,like, 50 beersand did forget.
424
00:20:53,101 --> 00:20:55,902
But only after I screamed
myself into a blackout
425
00:20:55,971 --> 00:20:58,238
while my whole
family held me down.
426
00:20:58,307 --> 00:21:00,140
Merry Christmas.
33448
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