All language subtitles for Family Guy - S15E08 - Carter and Tricia (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

And now,
the Game Show network presents

"Are we talking
about Jake Gyllenhaal
or Jared Leto?"

I am oily-haired
with dinner-plate eyes.

I was in that one movie
about the weirdo.

I somehow look both
deathly ill and ripped.

I am a less successful version
of Tobey Maguire.

Anyone? No?

You would totally believe
any story about
me being a dick.

I'm changing the channel.
I like both of them.

Peter, did you see this?

It says here that
Carter Pewterschmidt

has bought
the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.

No, what's that?

It's where you work, Peter.

Why the hell would Daddy
buy the brewery?

Well, there's children
in the room,
watch your swearing.

But apparently,
he's looking to
diversify his holdings.

Wow, Dad, I guess
that means Grandpa
is your new boss.

Oh, crap. I don't
want to work for him.

I'd rather work
for Dr. Frankenstein.

Igor, I did it!

Hold on,
you discovered the power
to create new life

and you created a guy?

So, I should have made a woman,

so I could have
sex with a corpse?

I don't know, man.
You just
shouldn't have made a guy.

All right, now that
I'm in charge of this brewery,

there's gonna be
some changes around here.

For one thing, no more T-shirts

or dungarees in the work place.

Dungarees are jeans.

Griffin,
what are you doing here?

I... I work here.

You do? No way.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Effective immediately,
you're the guy

at the office with
the weird ski-tan,

but you can't talk about it.

Hey, did you go
skiing this weekend?

I'm not allowed
to talk about it.

♪ Dog driving a car ♪

Oh, damn it.

Morning, Brian.
I'm afraid you
ran a red light.

Your license, please.

I swear, Joe,
the light was still gray
when I went through it.

Mmm-hmm.

Are you aware
this has expired?
What?

Your license expired a year ago.

And there's
a flattened dog treat
stuck to the back of it.

Maybe that's yours now.

Maybe you enjoy that treat
and this never happened.

Brian, step out of the vehicle.

Why? Why? Why?
What's going on?

Well, the law is clear.
I have to confiscate
your license

and you're gonna
have to walk home.

Can't you at least
give me a ride?

No can do, amigo.

All right,
I guess I'll just
call an Uber.

Are you Brian?

Oh, Griffin, there you are.

I've decided that
as your new boss,

I'm gonna require you
to have a standing desk.

Oh, but I'll look
like such an ass.

And that's not all.

You've gotta
constantly tell everybody
what a good idea it is

and how important it is,

and how wrong they are
for having traditional desks.

Can't I just work at it
and mind my own business?

No! You have to be
a freak about it.

Maybe it can just be
my own personal choice,

and I'm not judging others
for their choices.

No, you being right means
everyone else is wrong.

That's what your standing desk
is saying to the chair people.

From now on,
you call them chair people.

Oh, and three times a day,
you have to say,

"Sitting is the biggest
killer in America."

Good night, Peter.

Good night,
gender-transitioned co-worker

we had a whole meeting about.

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
what you're ordering
is illegal.

I don't care about that.

I want our beer cans
made from the cheapest
material possible.

But, sir...
What about
those metal toilets

where prisoners make wine?
Use those.

But, sir,
if word got out about this,

it would be one of
the most notorious
developments in beer history.

Second only to
Michelob Ultra
Dragon Fruit Peach.

Peter, are you sure you heard
Mr. Pewterschmidt correctly?

He actually said he wanted
cheap, toxic materials

inserted into
the brewery supply stream?

Well, his eyes
looked different
how he said it,

but that was the gist.

Also,
some of the brewery workers
say very hurtful things

if a co-worker wears shorts.
Follow the money.

Mr. Griffin, it sounds like
you've brought me
an interesting story.

What should I do with it, Ollie?

Make it news!

Oh, you got
a standing desk, too?
Sitting's bad.

I know. They don't
want to hear it, though.

Sir,
there's a reporter here
to see you.

Is it Kermit the Frog
when he's wearing
a trench coat?

That tells you he's a reporter.

Sir, an anonymous
whistle blower
in the brewery

says you've personally ordered
the sourcing of cut-rate,

potentially toxic
canning materials.

God, you're gorgeous.

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I remind you,
this is on the record.

You ever been with a man
who's got a prostate

the size of a beef-steak tomato?

Oh, crap, it's Carter.

I bet he's mad
I told the News about him.

I'll just do what Superman does.

Oh, hey, Carter.

Hello, citizen.
Have you seen Peter?

Aw, he was just here.

Daddy, what's this about?
Did Peter screw
something up at work?

No, I'm here
because I've got
important news.

Lois, everyone,
I've left your mother,

and Tricia Takanawa
is moving in with me.

Holy crap!
What?

I wanted you to know.

I'm in love.

Well, good for you
for being honest, Carter.

It's never good
to keep something
that matters to you a secret.

Tell her about the surf camp
in Belize, Peter.

Tell her you're going.
Tell her it's your dream
and you deserve it.

Tell her it will make
you a better father.

What's that, Peter?

Uh, nothing.
Just something stupid.

You're leaving Babs
for Tricia Takanawa.

And I've never been happier.

What about Mom?

Where is Mom?
The sanitarium.

The sanitarium?
Yeah.

I told her I was leaving her
and she freaked out
for no reason.

And I'll tell you,
I don't know why
they call it a sanitarium.

That place is a filthy hellhole.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

Uh, sorry, what did you say?
I was texting Tricia.

She just sent me a picture
of her smoothie.

Looks good, babe.

All right, class,
let's get started.

Stewie, what are you doing?
And why are you
dressed like that?

Because I'm your driver's
ed instructor, Brian.

You're what?
That's right.

I heard you lost your license.

And I'm gonna
help you get it back.

Uh, okay.

Now, we've got a lot to cover.

But first,
let's watch a safety video
designed to terrorize you

into being
a responsible motorist.

Come on,
kid with a bright future,

I'll give you
a no-seatbelt car ride
after this team kegger party.

Oh, I don't know.
I'm going to
Harvard Yale tomorrow.

I'd hate to lose it all
because of
making poor choices.

Oh, come on, man.
I just had
a couple of alcohol beers.

And I'm his girlfriend
'cause he has great genitals.

And I'm impressed
with reckless behavior.

So, I'm going to reward him
with my mouth
while he's driving.

Now, let's smoke
a marijuana cigarette

while I'm speeding
because of a dare.

Hey, careful.
I'd hate for you to be
unresponsive to my pleasuring

while you're driving
because of intoxication.

Stewie is this about
anything but oral stuff
while you're driving?

It's about all facets
of driving safety, yes.

I'm gonna fast-forward.

What a waste.

I'm a grizzled,
seen-it-all veteran cop,

and I'm shaking my head
at the senseless waste.

Sir, we've done
our police tests.

The driver was
being mouth-pleased
at the moment of impact.

Lois, fat-ass, family,
I want you to meet
Tricia Takanawa.

Hello, everyone.
So happy you came.

Yep.
Food's on the table.

And if anyone needs
some dirty underpants,

the vending machine's
right over there.

How nice.
Right where my mother's
china cabinet used to be.

Lois, can I please
have a dollar for
the vending machine?

No, Peter.
I'm getting our coats.
We're leaving.

No. Bill too crinkly.
Try again.

Bill too crinkly.
Your dollar funny.

This must be so
difficult for you.

It is.
There's a lot of
choices here.

But I ain't talking to you.

I thought you were
supposed to be doing
a news story on Carter,

not shacking up with him.

The truth is,
all I ever wanted was

to someday have
a family of my own.

And I realized
Carter could
give me all of that.

A family all your own?

Yes. A family
just like this.

In fact, with a fine son
just like you, Peter.

A son to whom I could, one day,

give a piece of sour plum candy.

Thank you, Mama Tricia.

But a lazy son
who does not make me proud,

Peter, that son
deserves no candy.

I swear, Mama Tricia,

I'm gonna make you
the proudest
tiger mom of all.

Not like how Jesus
feels about his kid.

Dad, I got bullied at school.
They flipped up my lunch tray.

Oh, that sucks.

I wonder if
that's the worst thing
that ever happened to a guy.

Whoa. Whoa!

Billy, this guy
in this book here,

he's really
getting the business.

Yikes. Okay, I'm sorry.
What happened
at school today?

You're kind of
a dick, Dad.
Huh.

I wonder if there is
anyone in here whose
dad was a bigger dick.

Wow, crazy.

Uh, Mom, why is Dad
over there playing chess
with Tricia Takanawa?

Because, Chris,
your idiot father

thinks she's his new tiger mom,

and he's trying to impress her.

All right, Peter,
it's time to master
the game of chess.

Okay, that
shouldn't be too hard.
No.

You will do it
in a traditional
Japanese way.

On a wacky game show
while a beautiful woman

beats your scrotum with a reed.

Ow! I don't know
which way the horse goes.

Why is that guy laughing at me?

And where is he?

There was a time limit?
Nobody told me that.

Time for Good Door, Bad Door.

Wait. How bad
is the bad door?

Grandpa-san, how bad
was the bad door?

Not too bad.
But shortly afterwards,

I was almost eaten
alive by an escalator.

The game is still going on?

You lose chess.

Peter, another way
to impress your
Asian tiger mom

is to put on
this old-fashioned
baseball hat

and assist Indiana Jones
on his next adventure.

You got it, Mama Tricia.

Okay, nice and slow,
Dr. Jones.

More alcohol and pot.

Yeah, let's get you
out of the tub first,
Dr. Jones.

I wanna fly an old plane.

I'm not sure
that's a great idea.

Not a new, safe one.

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I got that.

There's a skeleton
in my bedroom.

That's your wife,
Dr. Jones.

Now, maybe today,
we don't do the earring.

No, earring every day.

All right, Brian.
Let's begin.

Great. Let's do it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop! Demerit.

What the hell?
Where are
your hands, Brian?

Uh, on the steering wheel?

Ten and two.

All right. Commence.

IPDE, Brian, IPDE.
What?

IPDE. Identify,
Predict, Decide, Execute.

You've got to
constantly be IPDE-ing

everything in your target zone.

I... I don't know
what you're saying.

IPDE. Identify, Predict...
Yeah, you said that.

But it doesn't mean...
IPDE that.

Uh, it's a child
with a ball.
Very good.

Identified. Now predict.

Predict what?
IPDE.

Yeah, you keep saying
that like it's a word.

Those four letters
don't make a word.

It's not helping me
remember anything.

Oh, now you've got
an oncoming vehicle.

Pay attention to your
four to six-second zone.

What... What is that?
Four to six second?

IPDE the car, Brian,
IPDE the car.
What does that mean?

Now check your
gauges with one eye

while keeping your
other eye on the road.

My eyes go in
the same direction.

What's your tire pressure?

I don't...
I'm in the car.

Stop! Demerit.

Stewie, I know how to drive.
I've been driving for years.

Ever hear of IPDE, jackass?

I had a great day
with the fat son.

He started to respond positively

to the caning of his
buttocks and knuckles.

Speaking of
buttocks and knuckles,
let's fool around.

Ooh, sounds good.

I wonder if I can tell you
one of my deepest
sexual fantasies.

All right. Let me just
burp through my nose
for a second.

I've been drinking Seltzer.

Okay, what do you got?

Well, you're going to
think this is silly,

but I love it
when a man confesses

to manufacturing improprieties.

Oh, yeah? Well, then
you're gonna love this.

I ordered the brewery

to start making beer cans
out of toxic, unsafe metal

just to save a few bucks.

Exactly what I wanted to hear.
Thank you, Carter.

And there you have it,
Channel Five news audience.

This has been Tricia Takanawa
with my undercover expose

of Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.

Up next, is Papa John
dyeing his eyebrows?

I sleep with him to find out,

though I'm fairly confident
the answer is yes.

And we're clear.

What? What's going on?

I finished my investigation.

But I don't understand. I...

I thought we were in love.

I only let you think that.

I'm sorry,
it's time for me to go.

Chris?
Hi, Grandpa.

I got an internship.

You mean you've been
working for Tricia?

Hang on. I got to get
20 seconds of room tone.

What's room tone?
Oh, we got to start again.

Well, I tried
to warn your grandfather
about that Tricia Takanawa,

but he wouldn't listen.

Is he going
to jail, Mom?
Worse, Meg.

"Per federal corporate law,
Carter Pewterschmidt
has been forced

"to cash out of his company
at an enormous profit."

Poor Grandpa,
Miss Takanawa
really ruined him.

I know, and now he's stuck
driving around in that car
she made him buy.

Ooh, someone looks ready
for reckless behavior
and mouth stuff.

I miss her so much, Griffin.

Of all the women
I've institutionalized
Babs over,

she's the one
who meant the most to me.

I know.

It's like one day
she's my tiger mom,
and the next day she isn't.

And the day
before that first day,
she also wasn't.

But the point is,
she hurt us, Carter.

We got to get her back.

We need revenge.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up next,
Nicki Minaj is a bear?

But first, congratulations
to our very own
Tricia Takanawa.

That's right, Tom.

Tricia's recent expose
on the
Pawtucket Patriot Brewery

has been nominated
for a local Emmy.

Hmm. The local
really hurts that.

That's it, Griffin.
That's how
we'll get our revenge.

You and I will go
to the Local Emmy's

and we'll embarrass
Tricia on her big night

in front of all her peers.

That's a great idea,

'cause people
need to know that
she's an even bigger fraud

than Robert Baden Powell,
the founder of the Boy Scouts.

Ma'am, I'd like
to take your son
into the woods.

What?
That sounds suspicious.

Well, what if I said
we'd both be wearing
shorts and neckerchiefs,

and I'd give him
little patches for
doing what I say?

So, how'd we do?
Did you pass
your driver's test?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I think so.

You brought up IPDE?

As a matter of fact, I did.

He was impressed?

No. He had no idea
what I was talking about.

He tried to
Google it on his phone

and ended up spilling
hot coffee on his balls.

I took him to the ER,

and he said he'd pass me
if I picked him up in an hour.

So it did work.

Well, congratulations.
You're getting
your license back.

I know. It's great.

Now I'll be able to go
to those dog parties again.

There's Tricia.

Sweet. What's our plan?

We put this in her drink.

It'll make her
instantly triple herself.

A tripling is when
you vomit, defecate,

and orgasm all at the same time.

What? I don't...
Why would that
medicine even exist?

Cosby. Now all we need
is a distraction so we can
spike her cocktail.

A-ha, you leave that to me.

I know something
that might distract
all these news people.

Maybe if one of us
just chuckles for
no apparent reason,

everyone else
will start chuckling.

Worth a shot.

All right, they're all
"news chuckling."
Go, go, go.

Okay.
All Tricia's got to do now
is take one sip

and she will blow it
out of all three holes

right here in front of everyone.

And that will
make us feel better
about our life choices.

Hello, Mother, I'm so happy
you could be here tonight.

Why happy?
You no work
for Channel Ten.

Just Channel Five.
Only half as good.

Mother, please.
I'm being honored tonight.

What honor? Connie Chung
marry Maury Povich
for media super team.

Where your Povich?
You have no Povich.

Wow, Tricia's mom
is really coming
down hard on her.

Yeah. And with really
outdated references.

You know, it's no wonder
Mama Tricia was
so tough on me.

It's the only thing she knows.

And where grand children?

Who take care of me
when I 121 year old?
Who take care of Irene?

No one.
No one take care of Irene.

I guess her name is Irene.

Carter, I'm starting
to feel bad for Tricia.

Maybe what she did
to us was wrong,

but sheesh,
look at what her
own life has been like.

I don't think I can do this.

Well, this stuff's
already in her drink.

Mama Tricia!

No!

Where'd you get these?

Oh, I see the guy.

You're a weird guy, Griffin.

Uh, I don't know.

You know,
I've just been thinking,

the way you and me
fell so fast for this
lady and for no reason,

maybe the problem
ain't Tricia, you know.

Maybe it's us.
What do you mean?

Well, with my real mom gone,

I guess, maybe I just
needed someone in my life
to fill that role.

Someone who loves me enough
to call me fat,
and lazy, and stupid.

Hmm, maybe you're right.

And maybe I was
just looking for a way
to feel young again.

Hey, Carter,
we're gonna be okay.

Oh, crap,
this thing was a rental.

Here's your
tux back. Bye.

Well, I'm just glad
all this nonsense with
Tricia Takanawa is over.

Hey, whatever
happened with Grandma?

Yeah, that's what everybody
was thinking about, Meg.

Trust me, she'll come back
if we need her.

Hey, Stewie, seriously,

thanks for everything
you did to help me
get my license back.

My pleasure.
But now, you owe me.

That means one day
I'm gonna come to you
and ask for a favor.

But I need to know something.

I need to know
that you're gonna
say yes when that day comes.

Uh, okay.

Can we go for ice cream?

Come on.