All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E17 - Take a Letter (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Peter, we've got to talk.
Yeah.

I'm concerned about
Stewie's preschool.

Look what they're
serving at snack time.

Is... Is that...

It's dog milk.

They're serving dog
milk to our children.

Oh, sweet, dilk.

I don't want Stewie
in that school anymore.

It seems like it's
really gone downhill.

She's not wrong to worry.

There's a sign in
the bathroom that says,

"If it's brown,
let it mellow."

Sometimes it
crests the toilet lid.

Peter, I think we should send
Stewie to Corridors.

I know it's a little pricey,

but it's the best
preschool in the area.

Really?

Is that the one
where they make 'em dress

in the little shorts and hats

like the guy in AC/DC?

Yeah, why does he
wear that outfit?

'Cause he rocks.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

When I picked this,

I didn't know
I'd have to wear
it when I'm 60!

I'm very cold!

You know what seems
like a lie to me?

A Forever Stamp
that says "Love" on it.

Oh, you want to go ahead of me?

Hey, how are you?

You know what seems
like a lie to me?

I can help the
fourth person in line.

One, two,
three. Yes!

Cleveland, you work here?

Yup, finally landed
myself a job.

Hey, what can Brown do for you?

(LAUGHING)

That's our competitor, though.
I'm not supposed to say that.

It's grounds for
dismissal if anyone

ever got fired here,
but they don't.

Well, good for you.

Oh, could I get
a return receipt for this?

It's Stewie's
registration form
for his new school.

Little Poppa Stew-Stew's
off to college?

No, just preschool.
He's very young.

Can you just charge me
my weirdly uneven
price so I can be done?

All right,
that's $2.16.

$4.37 if you want to
send it the priority.

Oh, no, we got to start
saving our pennies

now that we're sending
Stewie to a new school.

I'm actually doing
some job hunting
after this.

MAN: Let's go up there!

You know, Lois,
the post office is hiring.

Really? Oh, wow!
That'd be great.

Yeah, I'd be happy to
get you an interview,

and as a white woman,
you'd be a minority here,

unless you're an alcoholic.

Wow, this place is really fancy.

Their Flat Stanley is
actually award-winning
actor Stanley Tucci.

Sometimes I wear glasses
and sometimes I don't.

Hi, I'm Chadley.

I've been
kidnapped three times
because I come from money.

Oh, yes, I've heard
about your family.

You've had two older
brothers die of drugs?

That's right.

Stewie, what would you
say to a playdate at
my house tomorrow?

That sounds delightful.

My word, it feels so good
to finally be where I belong.

Like Judd Hirsch
at the gigantic sweater store.

Hi, all five of
us are Judd Hirsch.

Do you have a sweater
big enough to fit all of us?

Okay, everybody climb in.

Ah, I can't wait to
spill soup on this.

Okay, Judds, shamble away.

Good having you aboard, Lois.
Let me show you around.

That guy right
there? Larry.

Okay, got it.

And what's this giant, empty,
football stadium-sized room?

Oh, the post office
anticipates that within
the next five years

at least 200 million
men in this country

will be ordering and
receiving RealDolls.

Every man will have
seven to nine RealDolls.

Asians, blonde Southern girls,

blonde Asians
capable of performing
every possible sexual act,

or at least
incapable of refusing.

You can put one in
your car and drive in
the carpool lane with it

and then maybe you
push her head down,

thus defeating the purpose
of the carpool lane

while fulfilling
the purpose
of the RealDoll.

Maybe a trucker goes by.

You say, "Hey, Janine,
give him a show."

Maybe later you ask yourself
some tough questions, like,

"Why is it so important
to you to impress and
excite truckers?"

Anyhoo, grab that letter opener.

I'm gonna show you
why you should
never mail cash.

Another good postal tip is

if you wait to
deliver your mail
at night,

you can smell a lot
of really nice dinners.

Oh, no, it's that Amazon drone.

Try to ignore it.

Hey, Cleveland,
what are you doing?
Taking a walk?

No, I'm delivering mail.

By foot? Yeah,
that won't take too long.

Well, got to go.

Got to deliver
these fat pants
to your fat son.

He was harsh but not untruthful.

We got to special-order
Cleveland Jr.'s pants

from a company
that manufactures
grill covers.

Thanks for coming over, Stewie.

Oh, thanks for having me.
Quite a place you've got here.

Your mother seemed nice.

Yeah, I've only met
her a couple of times,
but yeah.

This is my bedroom.

Is that car bed a Bentley?
And is that guy the driver?

Ready for this evening's trip
to Snoozetown, sir?

Not yet.

Sad story.
He used to drive the bed
for Michael Jackson's monkey.

I've seen some terrible things.

This is extraordinary.

Oh, it's fine, I suppose,

but you probably have
even nicer things
at your mansion.

I'd love to come
see it sometime.

Oh, um...
Yes, yes, my mansion.

Yes, you should
come see my mansion,
by all means.

I mean, not right this minute.
I have the US Men's
Wrestling Team there.

I'm gonna kill a wrestler...

But then after that, you should.

I can't wait.

Come on, let's go see
if the maid brought her son,

so we can push him
and he can't do anything.

God, I like it here,
but what am I doing?
I don't have a fancy house.

I'm living a lie, like FDR.

And so I say to you, America,

we are going to win this war,

we're going to
end this Depression,

and there's no
reason to suspect
that I cannot walk.

God bless America!

(FANFARE)

And cut. The newsreel's over.
Thank you, Mr. President.

You're welcome, gentlemen.

Now, if you'd kindly
kick me into the closet
with the mops.

Ah!

Must be a Yale man.

Shut up.

Hello, loyal mailwoman.

This is a letter
to Hollywood saying,

"Keep it up!
Movies are great!"

Cleveland, what should
I do with this?

It just says "Hollywood, USA,"

and this isn't a stamp,
it's the little
sticker from an apple.

Oh, I can't never get
those off. I just eat them.
Anyway, just put it in here.

But what's that?

It's the dead letter bin.

It's all the stale
mail what never got

delivered for one
reason or the other.

Incomplete addresses,
house at the top of a hill,

anyone who uses one
of those French sevens
with a slash in it.

Well, this is horrible.
I'm going to organize these.

There might be
some we could resend.

That's above and beyond, Lois.

You know,
you do the uniform proud,
like I like to think I...

Oh, chili dog got me.

Look at all these.
This is a mess.

Here's two that
are stuck together.

What the hell?
This is from Peter.

Who the hell is Gretchen Mercer?

And this is postmarked
a week before our wedding!

Oh.

There was a time
when the president

of the Jonathan
Taylor Thomas Fan Club

got a lot of mail.

I don't know what to do, Bonnie.

Why would Peter
write a letter
to another woman

just before our wedding?

Why don't you just
open it and read it?

What?
That's a federal offense.
I can't do that.

Don't you realize,
as a postal employee,

I'm 6,004th in line
for the presidency?

Well, then why don't you
just deliver the letter

and see for yourself
who this Gretchen Mercer is?

Bonnie, that's a great idea.

Although it could
be a little awkward.

You could always
just ask Peter about it.

No, he won't talk
about anything serious

unless there's a crackling fire

to punctuate
uncomfortable
family revelations.

I didn't fall off the roof.

I jumped.

I never found you attractive,
and what's more,
I never respected you.

I know about Maurice.

Which Maurice?

Oh, Brian, I need your help!

Chadley wants to
have a playdate,
here at my house!

Well, that's great.
No, it's not!

I can't let him see this dump.

Come on, Stewie,
Chadley should
like you for who are.

Besides, this place
isn't so bad.

Brian, Chadley's parents
each have their own bathroom.

I've seen the fat man
pee through Lois' legs

while she's
sitting on the toilet.

What I've got to do
is find a spectacular house

that I can pretend is mine
to impress Chadley.

Why don't you just
use Babs and Carter's?

I can't, they're having
an Eyes Wide Shut
party all weekend.

I can't find my
wiener with this mask.
All right, time-out.

Let's... Let's all
just find our wieners

and then put the masks back on.

Okay, 940, this is the house.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Hi, are you Gretchen Mercer?

Yes, may I help you?

Oh, yeah, we found an
old letter addressed to you.

Peter Griffin?

Wow! This is from
an old boyfriend.

What?

(GIGGLING NERVOUSLY)

Wow! Well, here...
Here's the nutty thing,
believe it or not,

I'm actually married
to Peter Griffin right now.

Huh! That is quite
a coincidence.

I wonder why he was writing me.

I see you move
your finger along
as you read.

That's what little kids do.

Oh, it was nothing.

He was just writing to say
that he was excited
about getting married

and that he finally
had enough Camel Cash

to get a leather
jacket and a pool floatie.

Oh! Well, thank you, Gretchen.
I am very relieved.

I was thinking the worst.

Oh, I understand,
but you have nothing
to worry about.

You're right.
I guess jealousy's
my weak spot.

Everyone has one.
Even Achilles.

So, you can only be injured
on your Achilles' tendon?

That's right.
My mother dipped me
into the River Styx

and she held me by my heels,

so that's the only
part that can be injured.

How about you, Testiclies?

It's the same...
It's... It's...
It's similar.

So, what do you think
of the house, Brian?

As far as Chadley knows,
this is where I live.

Stewie, who owns this place?

Oh, Just some rich idiot
I saw bragging about his
vacation on Instagram.

He posted a picture
of his feet in sand.

You're a guy, don't do that.

What a dick.

Hey, I'll swallow
his dental floss.

You pull it out of me
and put it back on the roll.

Good call.
(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Ah, that must be Chadley.

Hi, Stewie.
I love your house.

Where are your servants?

Oh, probably cooking bananas
and doing the cha-cha-cha.

You know, this is
a great house for a party.

You could invite
the whole class.

I say, that's a brilliant idea!

What the hell are you doing?

Relax, these people are gone
for a few more days.

I'll invite everyone over
and impress the whole class
in one shot.

That'll cover my
playdates for a year.

You really think that'll work?

Absolutely.

And when it does,

I'll be as popular as
the first kid in school

to get his driver's license.

Hey, heard you got your license.

Maybe after school,
you could take me
to get some groceries?

Yeah, or maybe you and me
hop in that car of yours

and do some grocery shopping?

Looks like you
have a roomy backseat.

I'd love to fill
that with groceries
after school.

Hey, it's Stewie.

All I know about cars
is what my mom does.

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

Gretchen? Wow!
You look great!

Yeah, I didn't have kids.

Oh, yeah, of course,
but what the hell
are you doing here?

I haven't seen you in 20 years!

Peter, I finally
got your letter.

You know, the one where you said

that you were having doubts
about marrying Lois

and you still had thoughts
about marrying me.

Gretchen,
I wrote that
a long time ago.

Well, my answer is yes, Peter.
Yes, I will marry you!

Gretchen,
I am already happily...

Moderately...
Relative... I am...
I am married.

Oh, then I suppose
your wife is entitled to know

that you were
still in love with me
just days before your wedding.

(GASPS) Blackmail!

Thank you, Cleveland.

And I don't know
what to call the thing
you're doing to me, lady.

Look, Gretchen,
I know I wrote
you that letter,

and I meant it at the time,
but that was 20 years ago.

I may have had some doubts
before my wedding,

but what guy doesn't?

And now I know
I made the right
choice marrying Lois.

(SIGHS) Well, she's
a lucky woman, and I'm
sorry for what I said.

I certainly
don't want to cause
any trouble for you.

It's just that when
I got this letter,

it reminded me
how sweet and funny
you always were.

That's nice, but I should go.

Thanks for not
making fun of me for
ordering a hot chocolate,

and go ahead and
look into Facebook

'cause this is
kind of what it's for.

Wait, before we say
our final good-bye,

what do you say we
have one last hurrah?

I've got two tickets
to a Ray LaMontagne
concert tonight.

Oh, I... I'm not sure
that's a good idea.

It feels a little weird
going out with another lady.

Oh, come on, Peter,
I drove all this way.

Let me go home with
one last good memory,

and then I promise,

you have heard the last
of Gretchen Mercer.

Well, I should probably say no,

but I've never been known
for my good judgment.

I mean, that's how
I got into trouble
with the Peter-catcher.

Oh, Peter!
Come and get your lollipops!
(BELL RINGING)

Lollipops! Come along, Peter!

Peter, you mustn't.

I've got cream pies.

Trinkle tarts.

Trinkle tarts!

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

I'm gonna get so molested.

Oh, Peter, you can take
off your hat and jacket.

It's not illegal
for two old friends
to go to a concert.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I mean it's not
like anybody I know

would be at a Ray
LaMontagne concert.

MAN: Peter!

Where'd he go?

I'm... I'm gonna
keep the hat on.

I'm sorry, Gretchen.
This was a mistake.

I just feel too guilty
being out with another woman.

I can't do this to Lois.

Oh! I understand.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, I guess there's no shame
in coming in second, huh?

That's right.

Except in like, wars.

Aw, you are still
funny, sweet Peter.

Yeah, I guess so.

All right, I got to go.
The beard inspector's
coming, anyway.

Uh, sir, where's your beard?

I'm leaving.
I'm on my way out.

That's my Peter.

That's my Peter!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, looks like you're
actually gonna get away
with this, Stewie.

And you threw a good party.

Yeah, it's getting pretty wild.

Over in the guest
bedroom there's
a girl pulling a train.

This'll show my dad.

By the way,
how'd you pay
for all this?

I dated
Donald Sterling
for two weeks.

He's a good man!
You don't know
him like I know him!

People. People?

As your rich host,
I would like to
say a word if I may.

I cannot tell you
how pleased I am

to have finally
found a group of peers

with whom I share
so many common interests

and here come
the people who live here.
(DOOR OPENS)

Please let me explain!

I was just worried
you wouldn't accept me

because I'm not
wealthy like you are.

Stewie, it's not
that you're poor.

It's that you lied
to us and you're poor.

I'm sorry you lost
your rich friends, Stewie.

Well, that's all right,
I don't need money.

I already have
everything I need.

Excuse me,
is one of you Chadley?
You left your wallet inside.

Chicka-chickaw.

Well, that "chicka-chickaw"
makes me think you're
not Chadley.

Oh, no!
I chicka-chickawed too early!

Hey, Lois, you mind
if I cut out of here?

Not at all.
Thanks.

Not to be too intimate,
but I need to have
a bowel movement

and I can't go here.

I can only go at home
or at the Koo Koo Roo.

Hello? Is someone there?

I thought I heard something
over the roar of my tinnitus.

I'm... I'm sure it's nothing.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Ooh, a text.

"I'm taking care of our problem.

"We'll be together soon.
Love, Gretchen."

Huh!

Meg, you're kind of
a loner psychopath.
What does this mean?

Oh, this woman is
clearly a spurned lover
who's planning to kill Mom.

Ah, thank you.

(SHRIEKS)

You're a good dog, Meg.
(SHRIEKS)

Well, well, well,
if it isn't the first
Mrs. Griffin.

Gretchen?
What are you doing here?

Making sure Peter
can finally be with me,

which is what
he's always wanted.

Gretchen,
it's 3:15 on a workday.
The post office is closed.

Lois! Gretchen
wants to kill you,

and I have a slip that says
we've got a package?

Peter, I'm glad
you're here
to see this.

You and I can
finally be together.

Peter, what's going on?

She's nuts,
is what's going on!
I don't want to be with her!

Oh, yeah?
That's not
what you wrote.

That's right.
I lied about what
was in that letter.

Lois,
Lois, before you read that,
you need to know one thing,

I'm the one throwing out
all your beige bras.

Guys don't like beige bras.

You told an ex-girlfriend
a week before our wedding

you were having doubts?

Lois, Lois, listen to me.

Yes, it is true,

just before we got married,
I was having some doubts.

I mean, your family hated me.
I didn't think I was
good enough for you.

We were kids,
I was scared.
Weren't you?

No, I was in love,
which is what
I thought you were, too.

I was in love, Lois.

And I still am.

Not a day goes by
where I don't thank

my lucky stars for picking you.

It was the best
choice I ever made.

Now,
put that gun down, Gretchen.
You don't have to do this.

That's right, you don't,
because you can have him.

What?

I'll never forgive
you for this, Peter.

We're through!

Oh, Peter! I can't wait
for you to meet the dogs
and the squirrels.

LOIS: Hey, Gretchen?

(GRUNTING)

Get away from my husband.

Wait, so you're not mad?

No, Peter, I was lying
so she'd let her guard down.

But what about the letter?

Peter, do you
remember me crying
at our wedding?

Sure, it's in all our pictures.

That's doubt.

But there's no doubt anymore.

You're the only man
for me, Peter Griffin.

Ah!

I love you, Lois.

Oh, Peter.

Now come on,
let's get it on
through a PO box.

LOIS: Peter,
this isn't working.

Well, I'm at full go.

Are you sure you're
in the right box?
Yes.

Box 528?

Yes, 528.

All right,
just reach in
and grab it.

Wow, Mom,
I can't believe you got
fired from the post office.

Well, they didn't like me
beating up Gretchen
on federal property,

and then after your father
plugged up that PO box,

there was a mutual
parting of the ways.

Well, Stewie,
I guess since
Lois lost her job,

you're not going
to be able to go

to that fancy preschool anymore.

Ah, I don't need school.
I'll be fine.

I'll just
become a YouTube star
like Jenna Marbles.

Who's that?

No one knows, but she's rich.

As rich as Ray William Johnson.

Who's that?

Nobody knows, but he's rich.

As rich as Bethany Mota
or Marcus Butler
or Ingrid Nilsen.

This? This is over.