All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E16 - The Heartbreak Dog (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, welcome to
Bonnie's 29th birthday party.

(LAUGHING)

I can't keep this up.
She's 46.

Here, we brought you guys
an orchid from Trader Joe's,

because we don't
know or care about
any of your interests.

Well,
I put together some videos
for Bonnie's party.

Here we are on our honeymoon.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, Cabo was great.
We even went back
for our 10th anniversary.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTTLES CLANKING)

Better wrap it up,
honey, tide's coming in.

Well, let's break for presents,

but after that, I'll show you
Susie's birth video,

and I'll tell you,
she fell out of there

like an orange out
of an old dress sock.

Ugh. I have to text Rupert
what a train wreck this is.
(PHONE QUACKS)

Hey, I want real things.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Kind of weird
they're keeping all
our jackets in the tub.

(BONNIE SOBBING)

Bonnie?

I told you,
Joe, when we're alone,
you can call me "Bonald."

No, it's me, Brian.

Is that your real name?
I mean, are you okay?

Sorry, am I allowed on the bed?

I guess so.

What's wrong?

Nothing.
I have something in my eye.

Yes, you do.

It looks like sadness.

Come on, you can tell me.
I'm your neighbor's dog.

I don't know.

It's just that when I was young,

I had so many things
I wanted to do with my life.

But now I'm 46,
and all I've ever
done is take care of Joe.

And now you feel like
you never had a chance
to be your true self.

Yeah.

I know just how you feel.

I mean, I'm happy that Peter
found me and gave me a home,

but sometimes I wonder
if I'd be happier on my own.

Exactly. It's like,
sometimes I feel...

Trapped?
No.

I was going to say,
"Like the von Trapps."

You know, unable to leave
their home in Austria.
Oh.

Well, that still
is remarkably close.

Thanks for being so
nice to me, Brian.

Why are you
scratching behind my ear?

(STUTTERS) I don't know.
I thought it might
make you feel better.

It does feel kind of nice.

You're a good girl.
You're gonna be okay.

(STAMMERING)
I'm sorry. I didn't...
I didn't mean...

No, it's okay. Um...

I'd better go downstairs
before Joe realizes I'm gone.

And before Peter
gets into the stuff
that's not for the party.

PETER: Ah! Halloween candy!

JOE: Peter,
get out of the pantry.

I can't believe I just
kissed my friend's wife.

I'm a bigger scumbag than Spock.

I heard that there
was a Romulan ship

spotted in our sector,
which means...

Hey, hey.

(UTTERING GIBBERISH)

Kids, this morning,
Principal Shepherd
wanted to say a few words.

Thank you, Mrs. Abbott.

Uh, before I start,
are these the normal kids

or kind of the
(UTTERS GIBBERISH) ones?

It's a healthy mix.

Good morning, children.

It's that time of the year again

to fulfill your
community service requirement

by signing up
for volunteer work.

Do we get to
choose our own jobs?

No, no, no.

The jobs will be
assigned randomly,

but the cooler and
prettier students
have the better jobs.

For instance,
blonde chick in
the third row

will wash my car this afternoon,

while Little Miss Frumkin
with all the questions,

will work in an old folks' home.

Is "frumkin" good?

(CHUCKLING) No, no.

Brian, what are
you doing up so late?

I'm having trouble sleeping.

I gotta tell you something.

I kissed Bonnie last night.

What?

I know, I know.
It was a huge mistake.

So let's just do two
or three high-fives

and then forget
it ever happened.

Brian, if Joe finds out,
he'll kill you.

Yeah, no kidding.

That's why you
can't tell anybody.
Promise me.

Oh, don't worry, don't worry.
I'm great at keeping secrets.

Well, except for that
one time you discovered
my hidden shame.

Peter?
Brian.

I'm, uh... I'm sorry.

I'm one of these guys now.

I'm sorry, Brian, I'm sorry.

Mrs. Parkhurst?
I'm Meg, your new
student volunteer.

Oh. You must be
my new student volunteer.

Yeah, I just said that.

What's your name, dear?

It's Meg.

Can I get a new person?

Nonsense, come in,

and between you and me,
I hate my new
student volunteer.

That ugly little Meg.

She says she's a girl,
but she certainly
has a boy's body odor.

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, come on in.

Peter, Joe and Bonnie
are here for game night.

Game night?

Yeah, I figured it was
the least we could do,

since you pulled
up a beheading video
on your phone at their party

and showed it to everyone.

It was really more about
how loud my phone can get.

Peter, we're doing this.

(SIGHS) All right.

But the Operation
game is out of batteries,

so I'll have to make the noise.

(IMITATES BUZZER)

You hear that?
That's the sound
of bad surgery.

All right,
I'm awesome at charades.
Guys are going first.

Okay, go.

Uh...

About a Boy.

Uh, Four...
Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Uh, Nine Months.

Notting Hill!

Yes, it was Notting Hill.

I'm gonna go get more wine.

Oh.

Hey.
Hi, Brian.

Um, listen, about
the other night. You haven't
told anyone, have you?

No, no, of course not.
I was gonna ask if you had.

Hey, Brian,
can you bring me up a snack?
I'm supposed to be in bed.

Look,
the other night was great,
but it was a mistake.

You're right.

STEWIE: Oh, man, what?

Yeah, I mean, there's definitely

some kind of
connection between us, but...

I felt it, too, but maybe
in another life, huh?

(SIGHS)

Yeah, I guess you're right.
This could never work.

Like porn movies before sound.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(MOANING)

Oh, there you are.
Come on, Bonnie,
it's Joe's turn.

Okay, here we go.
Uh, crippled guy.

Uh, cheating wife.

Uh... Cheating wife
of a crippled guy.

Dog... Something
with a dog... Uh, dog kiss.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
I think that's time.
Your turn is over.

Oh. "Sounds like."
Sounds like dog kisses

crippled guy's
wife at your party.

Wait, wait! I know it.

The other night at your party,
Brian kissed Bonnie.

(ALL GASP)
What?

Bonnie, is this true?

Oh, my God.

I know, making out with a dog?

Can you even imagine
a woman who possibly
does that for real?

Uh...

Hi, Joe.
Hi, Brian.

Look, I want to apologize
for what happened.

I didn't mean to kiss Bonnie.

Everybody had
a little too much to drink.
It just happened.

I hope we're still cool.

Hey, don't worry about it.
It was a crazy party.

We ran out of salsa.

(LAUGHS)

How do you run out of salsa?

Anyway, we're good.

Oh! Really?
Oh! Thank God.

I was worried you'd be mad.

Mad? At my buddy,
Brian? Not a chance.

Hey, is that your car?

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

What? No!

What's he doing?
My car was parked legally.

Huh.

Well, maybe your car
violated some sort of
unspoken boundary.

One that nobody
bothers to codify

because it's
just common decency.

Hey, Joe, is that the guy?

Read your text, Jerry.
Not supposed to
say you know me.

Well, I hope your
day gets better, Brian,
but I wouldn't count on it.

(LAUGHS EVILY)

Boy. It wasn't easy,
Mrs. Parkhurst,

but I think we got the nail
that was poking
through your slipper.

Well, you strike me
as someone who's never
going to get married,

that's for sure.

Now get me my itch cream.

Is it in the drawer?

Shut up!
I'm trying to hum atonally.

(HUMMING)

(SIGHS)

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Here's your cream.
See you Thursday.

Oh, my God,
I can't believe I stole this.

You know what?
I don't feel bad.
That woman's a nightmare.

(GASPS) Ooh. I should text
this to my best friend.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(MESSAGE TONE)

Sick broach!

Adam, are you done with that
mayor homework, yet?

It's called a bill, Mom.

Hey, Brian, I, uh,
feel that things have been
awkward between us,

but just to show you
there's no hard feelings,

can I buy you a drink?

You know what?
Sure, thanks.

What the hell happened?

(SCREAMS)

How do I walk?
Are these forever?

I also rubbed my butt on you
while you were unconscious.

I like to put stuff online.

Meg, Mom said that...

Hey, what's all this stuff?

Stuff I stole from
the old folks' home.

But you should see
how they treat me.

Meg, that's no excuse.
Stealing is just plain...

Oh, my God,
is that someone
else's glasses?

I love wearing
other people's glasses.

(GIGGLING)

Do I look like I
stole atomic secrets?

You do.

Wow.
This is awesome.
I want in.

And there's
the splitting headache

from wearing
someone else's glasses.

Okay, Chris, here's
a room I haven't hit, yet.

Here, follow my lead.

Who's there?
Why are you in my room?

Oh, hi. You died,
and I'm here to
take you to heaven.

Um, upsy-daisy, here we go.

WOMAN: Well,
now that I'm in heaven...

(FART)

Hurry, take everything,

and be quick or we'll
be in bigger trouble

than a fat guy at a water park.

Come on, Dad,
let's go on the water slide.

(SIGHS) I can't fit.
I'm afraid I'll get stuck.

I'll just go in the lazy river.

But, Dad...

No, son, this is
the life I've chosen.

♪ When your day is long

♪ And the night

♪ The night is yours alone

♪ When you're sure

(SLURPING)

♪ You've had enough

♪ Of this life ♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Guys, thanks again
for doing this.

Joe has been
making my life hell.

Of course.
All right,
now when Joe gets here,

we're just gonna
tell him he needs to
lighten up on Brian,

and then,
we'll all talk this thing out
so we can move past it.

And then I get to
show my card trick?

If there's time.

Let's make this quick.

What's going on?
What's all this?

Joe, we all know what happened
and we're here for you.

But we think that you're taking

this revenge on Brian
just a little too far.

Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, come on.

It's like enough is enough.

The Triscuits are
the rosemary kind,
not the regular kind.

Me? I'm not the guy
who violated the sanctity

of someone else's marriage.

Well, you make
a good point, Joe,

and you're right, this is Brian.

We all know he don't care
where he gets his wick wet.

Just ask Quagmire's father.

Okay, we might be getting
a little off track, here.

Yeah, yeah, Brian's right.
Joe, you're out of control.

Even though
Brian's been trying
to do my wife for years,

and on some level,
I hate him for it.

Oh, Brian's a complete dick,
we all know that.

But I think we're
losing sight of the point

that Bonnie's a weird slut
who's always letting you know

she's open for business.

What? When am I doing that?

Oh, come on,
when're you not
doing that?

With that boo-boo-baby
voice and that
still-breastfeeding rack.

Oh! Give me some of that!

I'm Bonnie's friend,

but she could
sometimes get the mail

in something other than a robe.

Okay, so we're all in agreement,

Bonnie and Brian
are terrible people.

Quagmire, I want you
to think of a card,
but do not tell me what it is.

Okay, enough.
How dare any of
you criticize Bonnie?

For years,
she gave up her own dreams
to take care of Joe.

And yeah, maybe she kissed me.

Maybe she needed
to because she feels
so trapped in her marriage.

It's true.

No one ever takes the time
to ask how I feel.

Brian's the only one.

They don't get us, Bonnie,
and you deserve
better than this.

We both do.

You know what?
Let's get out of here.

Wow. We are zero-for-two
on interventions today.

I'm not changing for nobody.
You're the ones
with the problems.

(SIGHS) We did it.
We don't need those
narrow-minded losers.

This is so exciting.

We can finally live the lives
we've always wanted.

Like, I can finally start
my jewelry design business

making earrings for tweens.

(BUTTON CLICKS)
Listen, hear that?

That is the sound
of not making
an enormous mistake.

I think I hear it.

(BEEPING)

Oh. Hang on,
looks like we need gas.

So do you have,
like, a credit card?

Nope and no cash,
either, but I don't care.

I couldn't stand
another moment with Joe.

It was torture
just watching him do
a crossword puzzle.

Hey, Bonnie,
what's a five-letter
word for marriage?

Fraud.

It's gotta start with a "U."

Union.
Boy, you stink at this.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Boy, it's just so
comforting to be here,

surrounded by other
people's memories.

(BLOWS)

(SNIFFLES)
Back into the sleeve with you.

Can you hand me another nylon

that I use as a sock
with my huge beige shoe?

Sure, and can you
hand me that ashtray?

I might fire up this pipe again.

Chris, that's not an ashtray.
That's an urn for
someone's ashes.

Really?
Yeah.

You've been
putting your pipe out
in some guy.

Oh, my God. What are we doing?

I feel awful.
We need to give
everything back.

(DEJECTED SIGH)
You're right. We need
to do the right thing.

Like the dad from Small Wonder.

All right, Vicki,
time to shut you
down for the night.

Good night.
See you tomorrow.
(POWERING DOWN)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Nah.

(SIGHS) She's really gone,
and she took
little Susie with her.

I miss that baby
more than anything.

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, I guess she left it here.

Joe, I want you to know
I will not support
that relationship.

If Brian and
Bonnie get married,
I will not go.

Although Brian might want me
to be his best man.

Then I'd have to go,
and I'd have to dance.

It would be weird
to be best man and not dance.

And I'd have to give a toast

and say that
Bonnie's the best thing
that ever happened to him.

You know,
she is the best thing
that ever happened to him.

But don't worry, Joe.
I'll only refer to
you as Bonnie's ex.

You know,
like, "Bonnie has an ex,
but Brian marks the spot."

Oh, Peter, that's good.

Thanks, babe.

I hope Brian and
Bonnie are as happy as us.

To Brian and Bonnie!

Bad news. The teenage runaways
at table four
were not big tippers.

We just need enough
money to get to Taos.

That's like the capital
of making and selling
your own jewelry.

Okay, enough about the jewelry.

Do you even know how to make it?

I know how to make jewelry.

I just don't know
how to make
the metal go into shapes.

Hey, you know what'd be great?

If you could talk with even
a little bit of
inflection to your voice,

so it doesn't sound so much
like a fucking power sander.

Screw you.

You tweet things
that aren't worth tweeting.

Well,
I'm sorry, but Kim Kardashian

did get famous for
making a sex tape.

We all know that.
That's not yours.

And stop breathing
through your mouth.
It's really annoying.

I'm panting.
That's how I sweat,
you dumb bitch!

No, it isn't.
Dogs sweat through their paws.

You're such a know-it-all,
Brian,

you don't even know
about your own body.

At least I've had an orgasm.

Whoa.

I am sorry.

Look, this isn't us.

This is just the "no food
and sleeping in
a car" talking.

We can make this work,
like couples who
meet on Craigslist.

BOTH: You're not what
you look like in your picture.

Let's get this over with.

I wonder which one
of us is the murderer.

Okay, we ditch this
stuff in the day room,

and then I'm done
with my volunteer hours

and we never come
back here again.

Mrs. Parkhurst?

Look at you two,
stealing from the elderly.

You're worse than
that Juliette Lewis
who makes out with dogs.

Wait, is that a real thing?
Where did you hear that?

What are your sources?

Listen, we're very
sorry we stole from you,
but you have it all back now,

so we cool, right?

You know, I should
call the police on you.

The police?

Or maybe, instead,
we do things my way.

What's that?

You will spend time with us
every afternoon after school,

doing jigsaw puzzles,
reading us the newspaper,

listening to
poorly-remembered stories
that have no point.

You monster.

Sit down!

Now I feel some dementia coming.

Feed me pudding
while I grip your
wrist in terror.

(VOICE QUIVERING)
This isn't my house.

See, if I make under
20 grand for 20 years,

my film school
debt just goes away.

That's a government rule.

Bonnie?
Joe?

How did you find me?

Love is a powerful compass.

Any time I quiet my mind
and clear my heart,

it always leads me to you.

Plus, dirt-bag here
has a chip in his ear.

I do? Damn it.
No wonder Peter's so good
at hide-and-seek.

You're under
the canoe in Quagmire's yard.

BRIAN: Son of a bitch!

Bonnie, I
understand now why you left.

Over the years,
I probably have
become too dependent on you,

and I'm sorry if you've had to
put your dreams on
hold because of me.

Oh, Joe.

But I'm here to
fight for you, Bonnie.

And if you're
willing to come back home,

I promise I'll spend
the rest of my days
taking care of you,

just the way
you've always
taken care of me.

Of course,
I wanna come home, Joe.
I love you.

Wow.

I guess just call me Cupid,
huh? (CHUCKLES)

You're welcome.

(SCREAMS) Oh! Damn it!

(GROANING)

Hey, Bri,
came to try that apple pie
you were texting about.

Oh, you're shot.

Well, Chris and I
sure learned a lot this week.

(SCOFFS) You think
you learned a lot.
I had quite an adventure.

You know what guys?
We only got like
15 seconds left.

We're gonna have to do these
at the same time.

Let's race. And go.

So Chris and I learned
that just 'cause
people are old,

that doesn't mean
you should steal from them.

STEWIE: Bonnie didn't let you
stir the paint, did she?

BRIAN: No.
But I am done messing around
with neighbors' wives.

Here's an invitation
to Donna's birthday party.

Hey, let me see that.

(LAUGHS)
You rascal.

And the winner is nobody.

Especially not you.
Good night.