All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E13 - An App a Day (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

(MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

Ah, cool, somebody put
Billy Joel on the jukebox.

Billy Joel?
This is Daft Punk.

Dappunk? What is that?
That's not even words.

What are you saying?
This is Billy Joel.

It's Anthony's Song,
parentheses, Movin' Out.

First of all, it's Movin' Out,
parentheses, Anthony's Song.

And second of all,
this is 100% not Billy Joel!

You know,
when they recorded
Movin' Out,

someone left
the studio doors open,

and that's why, at the end,
you hear that car sound.

That's not true either!
No, this is it.

He's talking about
going all around the world,

'cause this Anthony fella,
he's moving out.

You know, to live
with Mr. Cacciatore
down on Mulberry Street.

And, that's all I'm gonna say
about those two.

Peter, I'm gonna
punch you with this beer mug

till I'm holding
just the handle!

Guys, calm down.
There's one way
to solve this.

I'll just use my phone.

It says Around the World
by Daft Punk.

Thank you!
God, you idiots
are exhausting.

Hey, Cleveland,
how'd you do that
with your phone?

I'm not an idiot.

I used Shazam.

It recognizes songs
and tells you their names.

Yeah? Hey,
what if I farted into it?

I don't know. Be my guest.

(FARTING)

It says "Lana Del Rey."

How do I get this on my phone?

You just download it.
It's a app.

What's an app?

They're little programs
you use on your
phone while driving.

Oh, man, apps sound awesome!
This is a real game-changer!

Like the guy who invented
wearing a sport
jacket with jeans.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, I've got to go to church,

but I don't have time
to change from the rodeo.

Excuse me,
I thought you were
helping me find a look

that'll let me cling
to my youth in my 40s.

Yes, I'm interested
in cheating on my wife
in Las Vegas.

Gentlemen, I think
I can help
all three of you.

Brian, I'm in a bind.

Joanne was supposed
to drive me to the club,

but she's having throat surgery.

Twenty years of menthol slims.

I don't understand
anything you just said.

Just drive me to
the racquet club.

Since when do you
belong to a racquet club?

You know, I do have a life
outside this house.

For example, I also write
restaurant reviews
for the newspaper

under the name Hugh Cornwallis.

Hugh Cornwallis?

He's like...
Super bitchy, I know.

Now come on, let's go.

So, what? You're gonna
play tennis all day?

No, I might also
hit the treadmill

and watch Kelly
and Michael on mute
with closed captioning.

Kelly,
"It's like kale is everywhere
these days, am I right?"

Michael, "Unintelligible."

I love them.
They have such
an amazing chemistry.

Yeah!

Awesome!
Peter, will you
keep it down?

I'm trying to look at
lamps I'll never buy.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Sweet!
What are you doing?

Well, I just found out
about these
things called apps,

so, that's,
kind of, all I do now.

This one's a cool
bowling app I got.

Oh, yeah, strike!

Peter, your phone's
streaming to the TV.

You're clearly watching porn.

Will you turn it off?

I'm already caught, Lois.
I'm gonna finish.

Peter, I'm...
I'm gonna finish!
Just go over there!

We're gonna be fine,
Lois, you and me.

There you are, Dad.

Where have you been?
I haven't seen you in days.

Oh, I went out of town
for a little while,

but I made the mistake
of using this app
called Bear B&B.

We're so happy
you're staying with us.

Just a reminder,
we ask that you not use
the DVD player,

but you can watch
any of the VHSs.

We have Clear
and Present Danger,
Son of the Mask...

Oh, and,
here's most of a puzzle.

Okay, well, I don't
want any of that stuff.

Fine.
Well, if the phone rings

and we're not around,
just take a message.

I'm, kind of, on vacation.

Oh, and just a heads up,
the dog doesn't like men.

Now, we serve breakfast
from 6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.

I'll skip breakfast.

Uh, everyone eats breakfast.

I'm on vacation.

All the more reason
to treat yourself.

The house specialty
is a half-chewed trout

we yanked out of
the river with our teeth.

Ah, there's the bear stuff.

(BEEPING)

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm meeting up
with someone
from my Grindr app.

Isn't that for
anonymous gay hookups?

No, no, no.
This one's a way for guys

who enjoy sandwiches to connect.

MAN: You Meatball-freak?
Uh-huh.

All right, let's do this.

Are you also married?

My phone's broken.

I'm not surprised.
It's probably because

of all those apps
you've been downloading.

Don't say apps
like you're young.

No, I took it in
the shower 'cause

I didn't know you
could pause a game.

Here, Chris.
Your first cell phone!

Yay! Something my dad
held in the bathroom!

You know, Chris,
you could probably
salvage that phone.

If you put it in
a bag of uncooked rice,
it'll dry out.

Really?
Yeah.

And then, you can use the rice

to pretend someone
wanted to marry you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. and Mrs. Dog
and Meg the Bounty Hunter!

Holy moley! Marcy Miller!

She bought feminine products
at my dad's pharmacy,

so, you know
she's up and running.

Yeah, I wish I had
the guts to talk to her.

Talk to her?

Chris, no one talks
to each other anymore.

If you want to get
a girl's attention,

you text her
a picture of your penis.

What? Really?
Are... Are you sure?

Oh, yeah. People who
send their daughters
to public high schools

are basically asking for this.

Well, I did just
get this new phone
from my dad.

All right, what could go wrong?

It worked out great for...

Ah, this is it, Bri.
The Quahog Racquet Club.

Where frail old men
come to weigh
themselves in the nude.

Does that say 84 or 85?

It says 63.

Oh, dear.

How'd you get
all those cuts
on your butt?

Wow, they allow drinking here
at 10:30 in the morning?

Oh, yes,
half the bathroom trash
is thrown-up scrambled eggs.

Okay, so this place has
hot women, morning booze
and free vomit?

Maybe I'll join you.
You don't play tennis.

What are you talking about?
I'm a great tennis player.

You are? Well, that's perfect.

There's a doubles
tournament coming up

and I could
really use a partner.

Well, you found him.

All right, all right,
I suppose we can
make this work.

Like that actress
from Rizzoli & Isles
and her husband do.

Honey, I thought we could
do a little
role-playing tonight.

Oh, yeah?
What'd you have in mind?

Maybe I could be
my character from the show.

Oh, yeah!
From the show! Sure.

Um... Oh, no! It's the law
enforcement woman.

Part of that great team
of Rizzoli and Isles.

You don't know what
part I play, do you?

Hey, look,
you didn't marry me
because of my brains.

You married me because I play
one of the main bad
guys in Blue Bloods.

Now, let's just stop talking
and have idiot actor sex.

Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

We've got a bit of a situation,

which is why
I've asked Officer
Swanson to join us.

It appears Chris sent
an inappropriate
photo of himself

to one of his classmates.

That's right.
He texted
a picture of his peenie.

Oh, my God!

And apparently, the girl...
Oh, thank God.

He sent it to
doesn't like him back,
so she turned him in.

Okay,
I can see everybody's mad,
but what'd you think?

Thank you for bringing this
to our attention,
Principal Shepherd.

We'll make sure
Chris apologizes
to that little knob-tease.

I'm sorry, Lois,
but it's not that simple.

When Chris sent that picture,

he was technically
distributing
child pornography.

Child pornography?

Joe, that's crazy!

He's just a teenager
who made a bad choice.

I don't know what to say,

but the laws just
haven't caught up
to how cool kids are now.

I'm sorry,
but this makes
Chris a sex offender.

Oh, my God!
Huh.

Well, I'm not about to
make a Batman exit right now,

but, has that thing
always been over there?

Over where?

What are you doing, Peter?

Ah, you looked back too fast.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

Today, we bring you
a disturbing case
of child pornography.

Local teenage scumbag,
Chris Griffin,

whose name will be omitted here,

was caught sending,
quote-unquote,

graphic selfies of his hog...

Not sure where
that quote is from.

To another underage student.

Coming up next,
teleprompter guy
puts the period in a weird.

Place.

Oh, this is awful.

Now everyone in town
knows I'm a sex offender!

We know you didn't
mean any harm, Chris.

We're just living
in a different time.

When I was your age,
boys used to just
whip it out on the bus.

Can't I just go on the news
and tell everyone I'm sorry?

Oh, I wish you could, sweetie,
but the law says that,
as a sex offender,

you have to complete
a rehabilitation course.

Oh, that sounds awful.

Can't be any worse
than our trip to Hawaii.

Okay, before you do
anything else,

I'm deathly allergic
to pineapple, pork, rum,

macadamia nuts,
stupid tiny guitars,

overpriced golf,
sentimental military stuff,

lava, people who
I can't tell are
black or Asian,

apostrophes,
anyone twirling flames,

second weddings and linen pants.

Is there anything
you're not allergic to?

Yeah, the Epcot Center,
where I wanted to go.

Good evening,
I'm Glenn Quagmire,
your instructor.

Everyone look to your left.

Now look to your right.
All of you are sex offenders.

And, statistically,
you will all be here again.

Because, this has never worked
in the history of doing this.

Now, today,
we have a new member.
Giggity. Chris G.

ALL: Hi, Chris.

All right, before we begin,
whoever's driving
a windowless van

painted like
an ice cream truck,
your lights are on.

Okay, next,
let's take a few minutes

to talk about
our new fake interests.

Here's a clay pot I made.

I've started following
girls' field hockey.

No, come on.
You're supposed to
pick from the list.

Mr. Quagmire,
this is terrible.

And, do I really
have to be here?

Well, the law does
give you a choice.
This or chemical castration.

What's that?

You take a ton of pills
that completely
wipe out all sexuality.

Oh, is that what
Michael Moore did?

No, but I understand
why you'd think that.

Now,
do you want to see the list?

I could take a whack
at hand-distressing furniture.

We don't say whack.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Very good, Stewie.
You grunt like
a Hungarian lesbian.

(EXHALES) Thanks, Dimitri.

And, your testicle's
hanging out of
your shorts again.

I am cooling it.
But, where is this
partner of yours?

I don't know.
He was supposed to
be here 15 minutes ago.

(LAUGHING)
You're right.

So, anyway, my ex said,
"If you bring home
one more tennis trophy,

"I am out of here."

Well, she was gone in two days.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Brian.

O'Brien?
Well, that's my Irish cousin.

(LAUGHING)

What are you doing?
We're supposed to be
practicing for the tournament.

Stewie, relax.
I promise we'll practice,
but we just ordered bisque.

How are you paying for that?

Well, if you must know,

we're putting it
on Philippa's
husband's account.

Does Burt know about this?

He would if he wasn't
working all the time.

Thank you, Brian.

Now, come on,
let's have more hard liquor
and creamy soups.

(SIGHS)

Meg, can you hand
me the paper plates?

I can't believe
we're having an ice cream cake

to celebrate Chris graduating
from sex offender school.

Well, the opportunities
to celebrate

don't come often
in this household.

There he is, Mr.
Former Sex Offender.

Mom, it's not that big a deal.
All I did was finish
those creepy classes.

I know,
but now your record is clear.

You can go back to
being a normal boy
and put all this behind you.

Hey, Chris, wait till
you see the funny thing
I had 'em put on your cake.

"Happy sixth birthday, Timmy"?

Oh-oh! They must have
mixed them up.

"Nice crank,
you dirty little bastard"?

Sorry, I'll take that.
Here's your cake.
I ate a great deal of it.

Oh, there you are.
How was your first
day out of rehab?

It was terrible.
Taking that class
made no difference.

Nobody wants
anything to do with me.

Hi, Mr. Herbert.

Oh, my God.
Children, run!
It's that pervert!

Everybody into my
safety basement!

(KIDS SCREAMING)
(GROANS)

Oh, that was a bad snap.

I'm hurt, kids!
Don't eat those popsicles
till I get down there!

Well, I'm glad
we're finally
getting some practice in.

Yeah,
nothing like running around
after eating a seafood tower.

What are you doing here?
You're supposed to
be at the baseline.

Yeah, baseline, baseline.
Right, right.

He's serving to you.
Get back there!

(GRUNTS)

You've never
played tennis, have you?

Not once.
Damn it, Brian!

I entered us in that tournament

because you said you could play!

And I will not be humiliated
in front of shallow,
rich alcoholics!

Hey, Chris.

I see you walked
across the grass again
instead of using the walk.

You're really
wearing a path, aren't you?

We call that Chris's Trail.
Right there.
Chris's Trail.

Mr. Quagmire,
I completed that sex rehab
and I paid my debt to society,

but people are
still afraid of me,
like I'm some kind of creep.

How do I get them to treat me
the way they did
before all this happened?

You can't.

I'm sorry, Chris,
but you're just gonna

have to accept that from now on

people are gonna see you
as a sex-crazed pervert.

And there's nothing
you can do to change that.

Wait a minute, maybe there is.
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.

No problem, Chris.
You keep that chin up.
Huh?

I will. Hey, can I ring
your doorbell?

No, I'd rather you...
(CAT MEOWS)

That's why, "No," Chris.
That's why, "No."

Chris? What the hell
happened to you?

Mother, Father, I decided
to have myself
chemically castrated.

Why the hell would you do that?

Now, nobody will have any reason

to be afraid of me
or think I'm a pervert.

And everybody
can just treat me
like normal again.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
my son's some kind of weirdo!

Oh, here comes another sandwich.

(CHOKES)

I can't even look at you.

Has anyone seen my sandals?

Yeah, no,
nobody's seen your sandals.

Well, I'll just have
to make another pair.

Look, Chris, I know
you think chemical castration
is gonna solve your problems,

but you have to stop
taking those pills.

I don't have to do anything,

besides get to
the wind chime store
before it closes.

There can't be a whole store.

To be fair,
they also have
a couple of kaleidoscopes.

Aw! Can I come?

Lois, can I go to
the store with that thing?

Splendid.
I'll go get my burlap wallet.

(GROANS) We rolled
three gutter balls
on these kids, huh?

My word, Brian,
you're really improving.

We might actually
win this thing.

Thanks.
You know, I just pretend

that tennis ball
is Mitch McConnell

trying to roll back subsidies
on the Affordable Care Act,

then I'm, like, "Nope!"

Yeah, I don't...
I don't need to
hear your process.

Look, I'm just happy
you pushed me,

'cause now
I can't wait for
that tournament.

I know, it's gonna be great.

And, I already know exactly
where I'm gonna
put that trophy.

So, the baby died?
Yeah, the baby died.

But, look, first place.

Chris, your mother and I
want you to stop
taking them pills.

There's a lot of great things
about having a sex drive

that you're missing out on.

Like what?

Well,
there's the post-orgy meals
at a swingers party.

Come on, let's eat
with these wonderful people.

Hey, everybody,
try my wife's ambrosia.

If you liked my wife's snizz,
you're gonna
love her ambrosia.

I was thinking about
this seven-layer dip

the whole time
I was chowing Ronald.

I don't like this.
I want to go home.

You know what's sad?

There's hardly
any other
fathers and sons here.

I don't know, Lois.

I just don't think
Chris is gonna
change his mind.

(SIGHS) I know.

It's only a matter of time
before he shaves
one side of his head

and swoops
the rest of the hair over.

Why, is that... Is that bad?

Good early evening, everyone.

I have celebratory news.

With all the free time
I'm no longer
devoting to onanism...

That's spanking it?
Yes, Peter.

I have managed to
redirect that energy
into my studies.

In fact, today I received
the Kaplan Prize in biology.

(CHUCKLES) Chris, that's great!

Not only that,
I got the highest score
on my Spanish test,

and I even joined
the debate team.

That's amazing!

All right, well,
I'm gonna put some flowers

in a wagon and walk around town.

You know what, Peter?
Maybe there's a silver
lining to this fiasco.

Not thinking
about sex all the time

seems to have allowed Chris
to excel in other areas.

He does seem sharper.

Heck, the old Chris
couldn't even figure out

the self-checkout
at the supermarket.

AUTOMATED VOICE 1:
Please place the item
in the bagging area.

Please remove the item
from the bagging area.

Please take a plastic bag
from the bagging area.

Please put
the bag over your head
and tighten.

(GASPING)

(AUTOMATED LAUGHTER)

AUTOMATED VOICE 1: I told yo
I could make him do it.

AUTOMATED VOICE 2:
That's hardcore, man.
You're hardcore.

All right, Brian,
we win this set,
the tournament's ours.

Yeah, come on, let's do this.

I can already
see our names in
the newsletter,

right below the deaths
from the previous quarter.

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Out.
What?

Your ball was long.

Are you me shitting me?
That thing was in!

You're gonna
penalize us because you're

a blind fucking blue
jacket piece of shit?

Stewie, calm down.

I will drop you to
your knees and shove

my racket so far
down your throat,

you'll be shitting
my grip for a week!

Warning, Mr. Griffin.

Oh, you're warning me?
I'm warning you!

I'm gonna go to your house
and fuck your wife!

You proud of yourself,
tennis club security guard?

Your kids look up to you?

Big man throwing
out a baby and a dog.
Tough guy.

Maybe I'll see you later
when you don't
have that name tag on.

I thought your shot was in.

Oh, hey, pound it, dude.

So, to find
the area of this circle
we're going to need to use pi,

whose digits go on forever.
(CHUCKLES)

Can you imagine
if our pie was endless?

We'd all be
changing our belt sizes.

(SILLY LAUGHTER)

Thanks, Chris.

Wow, that was really something.

Marcy?

I had no idea
you were such
an amazing tutor.

And, I really like your pendant.

Thanks, but,
why are you
being so nice to me?

You got me in so
much trouble before.

Yeah, I'm really sorry
about that.

That was just my dumb,
overprotective dad.

Really?
Yeah.

He took my phone
to look at
pictures of my friends,

and he found the one you sent.

I bet that caught
him by surprise.

Definitely.

Well, I hope you know
that's not who I am anymore.

I do, and I hope
I didn't cause you
too much trouble.

(ALARM BLARING)

This is not a drill!
I repeat, not a drill!

Good to be back doing
this again, huh, Bill?

What, shoveling coal
into a penis?
I was sleeping.

What's happening?

I don't know.

Someone...
Someone get me
nude art books!

I need nude art books!

Oh, good, Chris.

You can hang
this New York Times
back on...

Oh! A pee-pee!

Well, Chris,
you killed
that librarian,

but we're glad
to have you back
to your old self.

Mrs. Lapardo worked
at that school
for 54 years.

Well, at least she saw
a little wang before
taking that dirt nap.

Thanks, you guys.

I guess chemical castration
isn't for everyone.

Is that...
Is that the lesson
for this week?

Uh, I guess, it's that
or be kinder on
the tennis court.

Where have you been?