All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E01 - Pilling Them Softly

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Ugh. Look at Miss Tammy.
What a skank.

She's free muffin it
at a baby school.

Hi, Stewie. Mommy's here
to pick you up.

Why do you feel the need
to narrate every
little thing you do?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin.

You know, I've actually
been meaning to talk
to you about Stewie.

I'm concerned
that he might have
an attention problem.

"Attention problem"?

Yes, he's been
a little difficult
to deal with.

And on page two of three
in the How to Be
a Teacher manual,

it says that any child
who's being difficult
should be medicated.

What? Drugging a baby?

Are you sure?
That sounds so serious.

I'm afraid his behavior
has been an issue
for a while.

He's even been
bothering students
during nap time.

Hey. You up?

Guess where I have a crayon.

So, I spent like $75
on cat toys, and what
does she play with?

A shoelace.
That's crazy.

Joe, that's been your answer
every time I tell a story.

It's like you're
not even listening.

Well, that's 'cause
you interrupted me
when I was telling you

about Kevin
trying to hang himself
with an extension cord.

I know, that's crazy.

Hey. Y'all wanna try
some of our new food?

I'm trying to
turn this place
into a gastropub.

These are Korean tacos
'cause whatever
the hell nowadays.

Ugh. These are terrible.

Quagmire,
when it comes to tacos,

I'll trust the Koreans,
thank you.

You're nuts. This tastes
like Ani DiFranco
after a bike ride.

Jeez, Quagmire,
since when are you
such an expert on food?

For your information,
I'm an excellent cook.

You? A cook?

What's your specialty?
No-way-souffle?

I'm sorry, that was out of line.

I am a good cook.
And I'll prove it to you.

Saturday night,
you and all your wives

are coming to
my place for dinner.

Fine, we'll be there.

Oh, can we make it Sunday?

Saturday, I'm giving
Javier Bardem a haircut.

So what'll it be?

Everything.
What do you mean?

Long in the short places,
short in the long places.

It should be from both,
the future and the past.

Something a child
would do to a doll.

Sorry, I just prefer to do
number two at home.
Where were we?

It's Stewie, Dr. Hartman.
He's having trouble
focusing at school.

Ah, yes. So you're
telling me your
baby won't sit still

in a way
that's convenient
for his teacher?

Yes.

I'd heard stories,
but never thought
I'd see it with my own eyes.

Mrs. Griffin,
I'm going to write Stewie

a prescription for
ADHD medication.

Really? Well, I don't know.
Doesn't that
stuff make you wired?

Well, if you're low-energy
and lethargic, yes.

But if you're high-energy,

it actually calms you down
and helps you focus.

At least, that's what
I'm reading on WebMD.

Wow. There are a lot
of different
kinds of medicines.

There's a cat in here.

Okay, I guess
we could give it a try.

Here you go.

Now, who's this little guy?

Wow, when did you
learn to cook, Glenn?

Well, as a young man,

I found that a great meal
was the quickest way
to a woman's heart.

How romantic.

I mean, how do
you think NBA players
get all those chicks?

They're all great cooks.
Except Kobe Bryant.

His secret is different.

Quagmire, you're really good.
You could probably
make money at this.

Yeah, maybe you could
open a restaurant.

Or maybe get a cooking show.

The 11:30 cooking show
on Channel 5 needs a new host.

The old one
burned off his eyebrows

and was just too weird
to look at.

You should do it, Quagmire.
I'll even come along
and cheer you on.

You'd do that for me?

Course, I would.
I love cheering people on.
Like when I go to NASCAR.

Go in a circle!

Go in a circle!

Go in a circle!

Advertise stuff!

Advertise...
Go in a circle!

Hey, where's Stewie?

Oh, he's probably
sleeping off his pills.
What?

Well, the school said
he had an attention problem,

so Dr. Hartman gave
him a prescription.

You're giving
a one-year-old drugs?
You're doping up a baby.

Peter, are you okay with this?

Will you stop talking?

I'm trying to
think about a girl
I saw at the gas station.

Stewie?

Welcome to pillow world, Bri.
Let me get up and greet you.

There we go. How you doing?

Oh, my God, Stewie,
you're totally drugged out.

You know something?
I've been thinking

about how everyone
in this family, Brian,
does their job.

And they do
a pretty good job of it.

God, I'm really
freaking out
over this audition.

What if I blow it?

Quagmire, when I agreed
to come to this,

I didn't know it would
require this level of
emotional support.

You Glenn Quagmire?
I'm Carson,
the producer of the show.

Peter Griffin,
I should be at work.

Okay, let's see what you've got.

I think you're gonna like this.

Cedar plank salmon
with a maple glaze

and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes

on a bed of mesclun greens.

Mmm. Not bad.

Also, the tomatoes
can be eyes, and the
lettuce can be hair.

Look down,
there's also a carrot.

This is great.
Terrific food and
a hilarious sidekick.

This!
This is the show.
What do you mean?

I'm saying you're hired
just as long as
your friend joins you.

What do you say, Peter?

I say let's do it!

Whoops. Uh...
Oh, I'm sorry.

What do I do?

I don't know what to do now.

That was
the wrong choice, Peter.

Wow, Quagmire,
look at you.
You're a real TV chef.

I know. It might
sound silly,

but being a chef
is something
I've always dreamed about.

I always dream
about my house
filling up with water.

That's crazy.

But anyway, thanks for
encouraging me, Peter.

All right, places.
We're rolling in
three, two, one.

Welcome back to
Quagmire's Kitchen.

Now, this mince pie's
about ready to go.

Just needs a pinch of cinnamon.

And while we're at it,

how about we take
the cinnamon challenge?

Okay, Peter, we've all
seen the Internet videos,
we're not doing that.

I was talking
about something else.

I was talking about
a serious cooking thing.

Now, the ingredients
of a mince pie

are traceable to
the 13th century,

when returning
European crusaders

brought back
Middle Eastern recipes

containing meats, fruits
and, oh, boy, spices.

Right here I'm using cloves.

Of course,
most people associate
a mince pie with Christmas.

But I'll be honest.
I'm not afraid of
a summer mince pie.

I remember the first
time I had mince pie.

Our neighbor, Mrs. Moran,
introduced it to
me one afternoon.

God!
I had house-sat for her

while she was
visiting her aunt in Vernon.
Oh, God.

And she wanted to thank me.

And, oh, boy,
what a treat it was.

You done?
Yeah.

All right, best two
out of three, cinnamon.

Still on those meds, huh?

Uh, yeah, they help me to, um...

Uh... Think.

Okay, time for an eyes-open nap.

God, look what those
pills are doing to you.

Putting you on that stuff
was a huge mistake.

Like inviting a turtle
to a cocktail party.

Hey. Ask me why they
call me a box turtle.

See, this is how
American society

treats unique,
enthusiastic children.

Instead of embracing
their mental gifts,

their first reaction
is to shoot them up
with hardcore drugs

until they're mindless sheeple.

All the better to
send off to Kuwait

and feed the Halliburton
oil machine, right?

Bush.

Yup, takes all kinds.

You know,
a lot of kids in my school
take ADD pills.

They say if you're
lazy and unmotivated,

it makes you
super energized
and productive.

Really? Productive?

Yeah. And college kids
take it all the time

so they can focus
on their studies

and drinking alcohol
with their butts.

Focus, huh?

Okay, well, Stewie,

these babies can help
the garbage disposal focus.

Because that's
where they're going.

No need to follow me
because I just said
what I was gonna do.

My God, I can't stop.
The words are just
pouring out of me.

I have more energy
than a guy who
caught a T-shirt.

My wife can wear this to sleep!

My wife can wear this to sleep!

Okay, today we're
putting together
duck breast medallions

with a port wine reduction.

And as I'm walking
you through the steps,

watch your screen
for Junior Chef
Peter's pop-up tips.

Helpful hints
and food factoids to make
your meal a success.

Now, you're gonna want to start

with a large
self-sealing plastic bag.

And in that bag,
we'll combine one large,
finely chopped garlic clove,

one tablespoon
of grated,
peeled, fresh ginger,

two teaspoons of
five-spice powder,
a teaspoon of salt,

and a half teaspoon
of fresh ground pepper.

Then you're gonna
wanna add the duck breasts,
seal the bag,

and refrigerate that
for at least one hour,

or up to 24 hours
if you wanna prepare
this ahead of time.

Just make sure you
remove the bag from

the refrigerator one
hour before cooking.

You're gonna put
that in your oven,
preheat it to 400 degrees.

So we just spoon
on the drippings,

and that'll brown
the skin nicely.

If you bang
these metal spoons
on everything,

it's like STOMP.

Look at me!
I'm huge in 2002!

Peter.

Nothing like
a night at the theater
that ends in a headache!

Damn it, Peter, that's it!

I can't do this show
with you anymore!
You're fired!

What? You can't fire me!
Only Mr. Spacely can fire me.

Griffin, you're fired!

Okay, that's fair.

Peter, can I come in?

Hold on, let me put on
my weird old actress turban.

Yes?

Listen, I saw what happened,

but you should know,
we at the station
would hate to lose you.

You're a big hit
with the viewers.

I will not work
with that man again.

I'm not asking you to.

In fact,
we'd like to offer you
your own cooking show.

Hmm. Let me consult
with my lawyer.

Well, Peter,
since the DUIs happened
so close together,

we don't really have
much wiggle room here.

I suggest you
take the jail time
and just get it over with.

I'll do it.
After October 13th.

Come on, Rupert.
Wait till you see this.

This is really
something special.

Check out how much water
is in the dehumidifier.

Wow.

That was all in the air.

Brian? Is that, uh...
Is that you?

Stewie! Rearrange.

Ewiets. Rearrange.
Wieest. Restore. Stewie.

Hey, come see
what I've been working on.

I call it Space Shire Seven.

Nice, nice. It's like,
it's like a fake
place you made?

It's a medieval
sci-fi universe,
adaptable to TV, movies,

toys, games, and mobile apps!

I threw together
a 2,000-page
treatment last night.

And I just figured,
the hell with it,
why not build a scale model

and record voices
for all the characters?

Watch.

Well met, stranger.

That's a Nebulon Mage.
He speaks Gabi,
this dumb language I wrote.

It's then illegal?
What?

Hello?

Okay, now we add
the diced tomatoes.

Just gonna keep going here.
I like to drizzle these
with a fig balsamic...

Damn it. What the hell
is going on over there?

And that's my famous paella
that looks and tastes
just like a pizza bagel.

It's a pizza bagel.

Now, as always,
add butter to taste.

Mmm. Delicious!

Butter dunk!

Stop it! Stop the show!
What the hell are you doing?

You're just pouring
melted butter
onto frozen foods.

You're not a chef.
Oh, really?

Then why do I already
have a restaurant

in Orlando's largest
indoor water park?

This is an insult
to anyone who
cares about cooking.

Either you leave
the network or I do!

Guys, guys, look,
I know how
we can settle this.

A cook-off.

Each of you cooks a meal
using a secret ingredient,
Iron Chef style.

Will we be allowed
to use calculators?

Um, I don't... What?

I say bring it on!

Fine! A cook-off it is.
See you in the kitchen, jerk.

I'll see you in hell, loser.

Bad day to carpool.
Yeah.

Okay, Joe.
Peter and I are going

head-to-head in that
cooking competition,

and they're letting us
each use an assistant.

Will you help me out?

Okay, but just promise me
there's no reading.

I'm not a strong reader.
What?

I'm not illiterate,
I'm just slow.

What are you talking about?

I never tried hard
in school 'cause
I could always run fast.

So, you're cool with
being my chef helper
for the big show?

Sure, but I got to be honest.

If it ain't
a fish with whiskers,

I don't know what to do with it.

But if it is?

Then sweet sassy molassey!

Great.
Don't talk that way
when we're on the show.

♪ You're taking a chance,
risking it all

♪ For the thrill of the moment

♪ Taking a stand,
but you aint gonna fall

♪ You've always known it

♪ They're dying to shake you

♪ They're trying their best
to break you

♪ And though
the going is rough

♪ You're going home as a hero

♪ 'Cause there's
thunder in your heart

♪ Every move is like lightning

♪ It's the power you feel
when you get
your taste of the glory

♪ You can light the dark

♪ When they hear
your heart of thunder ♪

Stewie! Stew-ez Canal.
You're here.
We got to get going.

"Going"?

Where?
To Hartford, man.

There's a book fair
at the convention center,

and George R.R. Martin
will be there.

Who's that?

Uh, Game of Thrones,
black shirts, dandruff.

Takes down more nerd chotch
than anyone around?

Okay.

Anyway, I'm gonna
show him my models

and pitch him Space Shire Seven.

Okay, before we go,
I should wet my eyes.

There.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker,

and we have
a fantastic cooking
competition for you today

with two fantastic chefs.

Really? You couldn't
find another adjective
for "fantastic"?

Used "fantastic" twice?
Who wrote this?

Erica did.

Wait, is that the
one I called fat
and we can't fire?

Yeah.

Let's get this contest started!

Big whoop.
I can do that.

Oh, my God, Erica!
You killed Erica!

Fantastic.

That's him.
George R.R. Martin.

God, he must be
the coolest fat guy

in a train conductor's
cap in the world!

Mr. Martin,
I'm Brian Griffin,

and I've got a pitch
that's gonna blow you away.

Are you sitting down?
Almost always.

Then join me on
an interstellar crusade
to Space Shire Seven!

Our story begins
50,000 fortnights ago

in the distant galaxy
of Warlock's Keep.

Comet Castle falls.

Samson Cyberblood
is the new king
of the star system.

Long live Space Shire Seven,
and long live
the Hyperspeed Throne!

So? What do you think?

It was terrible.

Ah, you're speaking
the language of
the Opposite Goblins.

I'm very flattered.

No, it's garbage.
You just took a lot of pills,

mashed together
a bunch of sci-fi
and fantasy cliches

and crapped out
a 2,000-page turd.

You could tell
I was on medication?

Oh, sure.

But that stuff doesn't make
you write well, it just
makes you write a lot.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go wash
the nerd chotch
out of my beard.

God.

I didn't realize
how those drugs were
ruining me creatively.

I haven't been feeling
quite right, either.

Yesterday,
I watched Chris shower
for half an hour

just because I thought
it was the TV.

He, um, lies on
his back in there.

Stewie, this drug is ruining us.

We don't need these.

You're right.

These pills are for people
with real problems.

But there's
nothing wrong with us.

You're just lazy,
I'm just excitable.

We're both normal.
Now let's go home.

That man is an imposter!
I am George R.R. Martin!

Whoa!

Let's begin
the Channel 5 cook-off.

Remember,
the winner gets to
keep his TV show.

And the secret ingredient is

butter.

Oh, sweet!
No.

That's Peter's specialty.

I was hoping
the secret ingredient
would be popcorn shrimps.

I liked smacking
your butt earlier.

Are the balls
different from the cubes?
God, what do I do?

Joe, check if
we have shallots!
Okay.

I can't see
anything on the counter,
but I'll do my best.

Monster brains!

Looks like
Chef Griffin is preparing

a delicious
five-course butter feast.

Son of a bitch,
I never cook with butter.

Joe, grab my recipe
book and find a dish

where I can substitute
olive oil with butter.

Joe, come on, hurry!

I told you I'm not
a strong reader!

Damn it, Joe, pull it together!

Hey, Quagmire. FYI,
I got to take off in,
like, 10 minutes.

I got a clarinet lesson.

What?

I can't do this.

Look at Quagmire.
This was his dream.

Time's almost up, Peter.
We're gonna win!

No, we're not.

And in a stunning
turn of events,

Chef Griffin is
eating his entire meal.

He'll have nothing to serve.

Well, that's it.

If Chef Quagmire has prepared
a dish of any kind,

he wins this competition.

Let's see what he has.

A warm packet of
tartar sauce brought in
from somewhere else.

"When are you
gonna use that?"
Bonnie said.

We have a winner!

Peter, you threw
the cook-off for me?

I couldn't take
your dream away...
Heart attack!

From you, buddy.

You're the... Mini stroke!
One with the real...

Heart attack! ...talent.

You... Heart attack!
Deserve the show...

Regular stroke!
Not me.

You're a good friend,
Peter. But I don't
want a show, either.

You don't?
Of course not.

Look what the show did to us.

It destroyed
the most important
friendship I have.

Thanks.

You know what?
Let's end this for good.

How?

The same way Paula Deen
got her cooking show
taken off the air.

By saying the one word
you can't come back from.

What? Say the word?
Right now?

Yeah. Together.

Ready?
You bet.

You could have
just quit the show.