All language subtitles for Family Guy - S13E07 - Stewie, Chris & Brian s Excellent Adventure

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

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best way to watch TV.

Hi, Chris, how was school?

Wait, what's that note
pinned to your backpack?

Bet it's from
a girl in the lunchroom
who wants a taste of corn dog.

Was that a sex joke?

It's...

I don't know, shut up.

Oh, dear,
it's from
Principal Shepherd.

Peter, he wants to see us
first thing tomorrow.

Oh, Chris is in trouble.

Sounds like he needs
a little fatherly wisdom.

Better get my pipe.

Peter, I think that's
the wrong kind of pipe.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I haven't been
doing too great
in school lately.

Well, that's very disappointing.

I guess your father and I
will have to talk
to the principal

and figure out
how to handle this.

Ah, I wouldn't worry, Lois.

I never did very well
in school, either.

I even failed homeroom.

Peter Griffin?

There.

Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

Chris seems
to be struggling
in his classes.

And often when
kids have trouble
in school,

it's because something
is going on at home.

I haven't been
attracted to Lois
for a year and a half.

Principal Shepherd,
exactly how poorly
is Chris doing?

Well, right now,
he has a D-minus average.

His only hope is his
history final tomorrow.

If he fails that,
I'm afraid he'll have to
repeat ninth grade.

This seems more
like a phone call.

Oh, my God.

I always knew Chris
wasn't a great student,

but I had no idea
the situation was so dire.

Don't worry,
I'll make sure
Chris passes history.

You can count on me.

The same way
NASA counted on me
during the Apollo 13 crisis.

All right,
I'm gonna need three coffins,
mahogany with brass handles,

three new daddies
for the dead astronauts' kids

and a black suit for me.

Sir, I think I know
a way we can
get them back.

Is it hard?
It might be.

Yeah, we've kind
of already decided
we're going in this direction.

All right, Chris, you got a lot

riding on this
history exam tomorrow.

I know.

Sam Cooke didn't know
much about history,

and he got shot in
a hotel wearing nothing
but a sports coat and a shoe.

Yeah, that's hilarious,
Chris, but we gotta
buckle down.

Now, I'm gonna
help you study
by nailing your door shut.

That way,
you'll have no choice
but to hit the books.

Oh, crap,
I left my phone in there.

Damn it, it's nailed shut.

Dad, it looks like

some girl sent you
a picture of her privates.

Oh, crap.
Lois, I don't have
the phone!

Stop sending pictures!

I already sent four more!

Chris, put down the phone!
Don't look at those!

Wait a minute,
that's both her hands.

Who the hell is
taking the pictures?

All right,
give me that phone
and get back to work.

And before you
judge your mother,
you did most of that damage.

Hey, Chris.
Just wanted to see how
the studying's going.

You guys,
I've been at this all night,
and I haven't learned a thing.

There's no way I'm gonna pass
Mr. Harpington's history test.

Oh, come on, Chris.
I'm sure that's just
the nerves talking.

Here, I'll quiz you.

Who said,
"We have nothing to
fear but fear itself"?

Scooby-Doo?
No.

Shaggy?

It's nobody on Scooby-Doo.

Wow, Chris, you, uh...
You really don't
know history.

I know. And if I fail
ninth grade, I won't
amount to anything.

I'll end up being one
of those bus drivers

that parents don't
completely trust.

You have a
beautiful child,
Mrs. Roberts.

God, poor Chris.

He's studying as
hard as he can,
but it doesn't seem to matter.

Well, we gotta do something.

If he doesn't pass this test,
he's gonna have to...
Hey.

He's gonna have to
repeat ninth grade.

Well, there's not
much we can do about it.

Some people just aren't
able to learn from books.

Well, maybe he doesn't have to.

What do you mean?

Maybe there's
a way to actually
show Chris history,

with my time machine.

You know,
that's really nice
of you, Stewie.

Well, he's my
brother. We've got
to stick together.

Like that
two-headed girl on TLC.

Okay, who wants
to taste it, and
who wants to smell it?

All right, we'll just
tell Chris he's dreaming,

because I don't
want him to know
about my time machine.

Why not?

Eh, it's like
having a pickup truck.

Once people know you got one,
there go your weekends.

Chris? Can you hear me?
Huh?

You're dreaming.

I'm dreaming?

Yay, no consequences!

So lifelike!

All right,
let's go back six minutes
and try this again.

Chris, you're dreaming,
with consequences.

What?
That's right.

We're gonna take you
on a special dream trip

to help you pass
your history test.

You are?

Yes, and there's
so much to learn.

For example, did you
know that Jesus didn't
really die on the cross?

So, what was the cause of death?

Cocaine and severe
trauma to the colon.

Yeah, I'm gonna need
to see those forms.

Don't look at me like that.
Babe, I told you,
it's a business trip.

All right,
I've got the return pad

and the time machine
is powering up right now.

We should be leaving any moment.

This thing is awesome.
Stewie, can you believe
Brian built this?

Wait, what?
Oh.

Hey, come on, guys.

"Who built what"
is not a question
on the history final, right?

Good point, Brian.
That's why victory
is always Brian's.

You dick!

How much of my stuff
have you taken credit for?

Hey, everybody?
Just so you know,
I'm straight.

All right, Chris,
I reviewed your textbook,

and I've programed
a tour of the various
historical events

that you'll need to
know for your exam.

So, pay close attention.

First stop, Washington, D.C.
The year is 1803.

Ah, the future.

Now, the man at the podium
is Thomas Jefferson.

And this is a very
important moment.

He's trying to convince Congress

to approve
the Louisiana Purchase.

Come on, guys.

We're getting
Oklahoma, Arkansas,
Nebraska, Kansas,

Wyoming, North Dakota,
South Dakota and Louisiana.

What are the chances
all those states suck?

This is Paris, 1920.

This bar is where
famous American writers,
like Ernest Hemingway,

would go for a drink.

Oh, my God, there he is.

Excuse me, Mr. Hemingway,
can I have a beer with you?

Sure. I love life and
all the people in it.

Thanks.

And, hey, as a fellow writer,
I would love to talk
to you about the craft.

I mean, God,
if only we could get
rid of these damn arms

and attach the pen directly
to the heart, right?

You guys, I got his pen!

Now, Chris, this is Brazil
before the invention
of the soccer ball.

Australia before
the shark-tooth necklace.

And Italy before pasta.

Ay!
Oh!

Vowel sound.

They were always
a ridiculous people.

Hey, Family Guy,

you're lucky I got
a manicotti in the oven,

or I'd bash your
face into a bolognese.

That's two kinds of food.
That's how angry I am.

Oh, my God. Where are we?

Omaha Beach, 1944.
This is D-Day.

What's that over there?

Oh, that's Double D-Day.

♪ She's my cherry pie

♪ Cool drink of water
such a sweet surprise ♪

Nein, nein. No fire.
Ist gut.

Heil hooters.

Be careful.
It could be a booby trap.

Oh, Otto.

Here we are.
Christmas night, 1776.

The father of our nation,
George Washington,

is about to boldly
cross the Delaware.

What's on his arms?

Those are water wings.
He was terrified
of the water.

Easy.

All right, Chris,
it's 1798, and we're in
the home of Jane Austen.

Jane Austen?

I don't think she's on my
history test, Stewie.

Oh, I know. We're just
here to release pent-up
time travel farts.

Awesome.
Yeah!

Oh, yeah.
Give me some of that.

Mmm. The insides of men,
this is what fuels me.

Okay, time for some
recent history.
This is the 1990s.

♪ And I'll tell
myself I'm over you ♪

This is the entire 1990s?

Yes.

Wait a minute.
Pre-Soviet Russia?
This wasn't on the manifest.

Yeah, this is kind
of a personal thing.

Hey, Pavlov,
you dog-teasing dick!

How's this for
positive reinforcement?

All right, where to next?

I wanna kill more scientists!

All right, Chris,
that was the
British Parliament, 1912.

Next, we...

I say, that looks like
a young Charlie Chaplin.

Sir, please take this
money and use it to
pursue your dreams.

Danke.

Stewie, I think that
was a young Hitler.
You just gave money to Hitler.

Yeah, but before
all the crazy stuff.

All right,
Chris, let's discuss
what you've learned so far.

Now, what is your
biggest takeaway
from our travels?

That you can't take a good nap
with keys in your pocket.

For God's sake, Chris.

You clearly have
not paid attention
to anything we've shown you!

You're absolutely hopeless!

Did you ever consider the reason

you're having
trouble passing
ninth grade

is that you're
incapable of
anything else?

That this is the
absolute zenith
of your ability?

Zenith means top.

No, it means TV.

Ha! Now I'm catching fire.

Damn it, Chris,
your problem
isn't book learning,

it's that you're a moron!

This whole trip
has been a complete
waste of time.

Screw you, Stewie.
You're a jerk.

And I'm gonna win
that bowling tournament,

with or without you!

What is he... What?

He doesn't even
know what we're
preparing him for.

Chris? Chris, come back.

Well, we've looked
all over London.
He's nowhere.

I don't know
what the hell
we're going to do.

Hey, Stewie.

If I'm such a moron,
then how did I get on
a fancy boat?

See you later, douche bags!

Oh, crap.
Chris is on the Titanic?

Oh, no, it's okay, Brian.

We'll just go back
in time to before
Chris ran off.

Oh, and I took your
fancy smoke detector.

My God, he's got the return pad.

Brian, we've gotta get
on that ship.

Attention, passengers.

The karaoke contest will begin
in five minutes.

Okay, now we've really
gotta get on that ship.

Brian, we have
to get on that ship.

It's our only
hope to save Chris.

There. Jump onto that
mooring rope.

We can use it to
pull ourselves up.

Oh, thank God,
I wasn't sure we
were gonna make it.

I wasn't worried.
I've faced bigger challenges.

Like trying to
dress Jonah Hill
for the Oscars.

Okay, okay, perfect.
Tell him to stay
exactly that weight.

Yes?

Oh, damn it!

Oh, my God, Brian.
This ship, it's...
It's unbelievable.

It's even more
magnificent
than I imagined.

That, Brian. That.
That's what I was
telling you about.

That's brocade.

Come on,
Stewie, we gotta find Chris

and the return pad
before it's too late.

All right, let's split up.

I'll go search in
first class, you
go down to steerage

and wade through
the gross Irish
and Italians.

That's two.

Ugh. God knows
what I'm gonna
find in steerage.

Bunch of drunk,
fat, pie-faced,
Irish fools.

Excuse me,

have any of you seen
a blond teenage boy?

Who's asking?

Yeah, who the hell are you?

And I'm the baby.

Chris?

What the hell?

Stewie, what are you doing?

Uh, dining at
the captain's table.

Everyone at this
table was the first person
to refrigerate something.

I refrigerated shoes.
Because everybody
likes a cool toe.

Also, I gave the string quartet

the sheet music
for Highway to
the Danger Zone.

You have the sheet music for
Highway to the Danger Zone?

Uh, yeah. What do you think
I keep in this backpack?

It's all PowerBars
and sheet music.

Stewie, you're supposed
to be looking for Chris.

I did. He wasn't
in the Turkish bath,

the veranda cafe
or the Bloody
Handkerchief Ball.

Oh, dear.

Relax, Brian, I think
I see Chris right now.

Really? Where?

I'm gonna go ahead
and bet he's the guy

with the whole
chicken stuck
on his head.

Hey, you're not Chris.

Pardon me, that's my hat.

I know this
thing's gonna sink,
but I'm having a good time.

Stewie, look.

Chris, there you are.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Booger Breath
and the Mushroom Tip.

Uh, which one of us is which?

Chris, we have
gotta get off this boat.

The Titanic was
one of the biggest
disasters in history.

Well, if you're so worried,
why don't you
alert the crew

and save everyone?

Because, Chris,
we can't alter the past.
That's the first rule of...

Of, uh, dreaming.

Besides,
saving this ship would mean
talking to, like, 80 people,

and I'm just not
in that kind of
mood right now.

Look, Chris, just give
us that thing you took
so we can all get home.

Quick, Chris, Stewie, get on!

To home.

Or, I'll just put
in the coordinates.

Damn. The return pad.
It's been destroyed!

What?

The whole thing's
been waterlogged.

I'll need to dry it out
and completely rewire it.

This would make a great movie.

And the parts I need
to fix the return pad
certainly aren't on this ship.

We have to
somehow get to dry land.

"Dry land"? Stewie,
almost everyone on
the Titanic died.

All right,
calm down, Brian.
No.

There's so much I haven't done.

I've never even
successfully made love
to a woman in the shower.

Oh, my back!

Should I put my foot
in the soap dish?

Yeah, try that,
and maybe stand
on your tippy-toes.

How does water make it dry?

This isn't gonna work.

Brian, this is our only hope.

The majority of people
who got on those lifeboats

were women of noble birth.

Now, I've given
us all backstories.

I am Lady Antonia
Tyler Carrington,
the Duchess of Lancashire,

the heir to
the Earl of Portsmouth,

and the cousin of
the Countess of Wessex.

Okay, great.
And who are we?

I don't know, you're
just two sluts with me.

Hey, there's a lifeboat.

Uh, yeah, but it's
got one of those funny
Southwest lifeboat attendants.

Hey, here's a reminder,

as you exit the boat,
don't forget to give
us your extra snacks,

because as you know,
we work for peanuts.

That's refreshing.
Most of those
guys are all serious.

There, that one.
It's our last chance.

Hey, they learned it.
What a bunch of pros.

Hello there, sir.

We are three
noblewomen in distress.

Sorry, boat's full.

Um, what if one
of us were to turn

this big ship into a "tug" boat?

Wink, wink.

Wouldn't help you.

You're the fourth
person to offer that,
and I'm kind of spent.

I don't believe this.

Dear God, we're stuck here.

We're going to
drown on the Titanic.

Oh, no, we're not.

Hey. I said you
can't come on here.

Get out of my way,
you son of a bitch.

No!

Oh, no! I can't swim
without my striped one-piece.

Everyone move over.
We're getting on this boat.

Please, take my baby!

Yeah, I'm sorry,
if I take your baby,

I'm gonna have to
take everyone's baby.

Can you believe that woman?
Putting me on the spot
in front of everyone.

To home!

You see what you started?

Wow, Chris. You just saved
our lives. Thank you.

Oh, it was nothing, Brian.

Listen, Chris, I, um...
I think I owe you
an apology.

I'm not someone
who often makes mistakes,

but, well, I was
wrong earlier, when
I called you a moron.

No, you were right.

You're the smart
one in the family,
and I'm the dumb one.

Oh, you're being
too hard on yourself.

Look, you may not be
book smart or history smart,

but you're throw-people-
off-the-boat smart.

And, frankly,
I'm starting to think
that's the best kind to be.

Thanks, Stewie.

Well, looks like one
ship was saved today.

A relation-ship.

Oh, thank God, we're back.

Wow, what an adventure.

Thanks, Dream Brian.
Thanks, Dream Stewie.

Brian, Stewie,
I just had the most
amazing dream.

I was on a famous
boat called the Gigantic.

Yeah, he's gonna
fail that test tomorrow.

Well, we gave it
our best shot, Stewie.

It was still a nice thing
you did for your brother.

I suppose.

I just hope that Chris
killing one extra man
on the Titanic

didn't alter
anything in the present.

There he is.
"Nigel Harpington."

Wait, "Harpington"?

Isn't that the
name of Chris's
history teacher?

Yes, I think you're right.
That must be his ancestor.

Which means that
Chris's history teacher
was never born.

Hey, everybody,
I'm Teacher Doug, and
I don't believe in tests.

Yay!