All language subtitles for Family Guy - S13E03 - Baking Bad

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return to Hotel TV,

the station that makes you
feel like you're at a hotel
when you're not at a hotel.

Have a romantic drink
by the concourse fountain.

Or you can watch the big game
at Chopper's Bar and Grill,

where they'll be
pouring till 2:00 a.m.

Or maybe you're in
the mood for something
a little more exotic.

Try Jose Gato's
Brazilian Steakhouse.

With rooftop views,
plus a fine selection
of blended rum drinks.

At the end of the night,
you won't want to say
"boa noite."

And you won't have to, 'cause
Chopper's is open, where
they're pouring till 2:00 a.m.

Should we go to Chopper's?

We interrupt
this program to bring you a
Channel 5 News special report.

Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.

Tragedy stuck Haiti today
as the island nation was
rocked by a major earthquake,

leaving thousands
dead and injured.

Coming up, local newsman
shows a camera operator
how to center a shot.

There we go.
There, there's Tom.
There's the star.

Oh, my God. That's
terrible about Haiti.

We got to do something to help.

No, we don't.

Relax. I'm sure Wyclef Jean
has got it all under control.

I've always talked about
wanting to help in
these situations,

but I never follow through.

Well, this time, I'm really
gonna do it. I'm gonna
start a blood drive.

Good for you, Lois.
You'll be a local hero,
like Paul Revere.

The British will be here soon.

We shall stand our ground
and fight them to the death!

Yes! Yes!

Although, I mean, one of us
should probably warn everyone.

You know, that the
British are coming.

I mean, not me.
I mean, I want to fight.

I mean... Oh, shoot.
I've got the horse.

I mean, but if anyone
else wants to go...

I'll go.

No one? All right.
I'll make sure everyone
remembers your names!

Wow, Lois, you really
got a great turnout
for the blood drive.

Oh, yeah. The whole thing's
going off without a hitch.

Well, except for that mosquito
who keeps trying to sneak in.

Hi. I'm the new nurse.

Get out of here!
This blood's not for you!

Aw...

Oh, look, an empty tire
with some water in it.

All right, I'm happy again.

I'm gonna go ahead
and thank you for
donating blood today.

Donating? I thought
we were getting paid!

Peter, everyone
else here has donated
except you.

That's not true.
That guy over
there didn't donate.

That's still you, Peter.

Oh.

Well, if I got to donate,
he's got to donate, too.

You, get in here!

Sucker!

Son of a bitch!

Lois!
Lois! Mommy!

Stewie, what's going on?
You should be asleep by now.

I can't sleep, Brian.
Where's the woman?

I need her to read
me a bedtime story.

Oh, she's busy
with the blood drive.

Maybe I can help.
How about I
read you this book?

It's called Apathetic George.

"George used to be
a curious monkey,

"but after a month
in captivity, all he did
was wait for food.

"The zoo people
wanted him to mate,

"but he lost
interest in that, too.

"Twenty years and
millions of dollars in
zoo revenue later, he died."

Okay, I've had enough.
All right. You know what?

I know something that
will help you sleep.
Wait here.

Well, I hope so,
because I've
tried everything.

Counting sheep,
thinking sleepy thoughts.

I even hired the Sandman.

Sand and sand and sand
and sand and sand and
sand and good night!

Okay, I'll give you
a tiny bit of this.
It should help you sleep.

What is it?
It's cough syrup.

It's not really for kids,
but a capful is
pretty harmless.

Mmm!

Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne
keeps almost dying from.

Oh, this is so relaxing.
I could get used to this.

Like the way I got used to
wearing European diapers.

Don't mind me.

I'm just grabbing
a little cheese and vino.

If anybody needs me,
I'll be poolside

next to my
weirdly hot girlfriend
with dark teeth.

Well, Lois, I'm
done giving blood.
Just ask this guy.

Is true, Lois.
I sucked him dry.

He gave a blood
donation as well.

Peter, knock it off.

Just give some blood,
get your cookie,
and be done with it.

Cookie?
Yes, Peter.

There are cookies
for everyone who donates.

Well, I already ate
two wedding cakes,

but I guess I could
go for a cookie.

All right, I'll do it.

Oh, Peter, you're
doing a good thing.

Thanks, Lois, but
you got to promise

you'll warn me
before they stick
that needle in me.

Actually, we just finished.

Wow, that wasn't so bad.

See, Peter? And now
you can have a cookie.

Oh, awesome!

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, my God, these
are delicious.
Lois, you made these?

Yeah, I found one
of my grandmother's
old recipes,

so I thought I'd
make a special batch
for the blood drive.

Well, I'm glad you did.
These cookies are amazing.

They're even tastier
than Connie Britton's hair.

Mmm!

God, your hair is delicious.

Who are you?
I'm the guy who
killed your bodyguard.

Coming this
fall to every network,

your favorite sitcom lines
preceded by the word "uh."

Uh, knock much?

Uh, that just happened.

Uh, so I guess
this is a thing now?

Uh, yeah, no.

Uh, awkward.

TV, that thing
you used to watch.

Oh, these are incredible.

Hey, you know something?

If we sold these,
we could make
a ton of money.

Maybe we should open
our own cookie store.

Are you serious?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, if George Foreman
can make electric grills,
we can do this.

I mean, I've seen that
guy get punched in the
face a thousand times,

and now he's
making science stuff.

Who'd think that idiot
would still be walking around

and Muhammad Ali
can't even talk anymore?

You know, having our own store
could be kind of fun.

And you'd really do it with me?

Absolutely.

Oh, Peter,
that actually sounds
kind of romantic.

I always wanted you and me
to work on a project together.

Oh, let's do it!

All right!

Now, let's turn
up the TV real loud

so the kids can't
hear us having sex.

Sex! Sex!

There's my handsome
business partner.

Now, we can't be late for
our meeting with the bank.

That's so cool
you guys are gonna
open a business.

Yeah, well, I got a ton
of business experience.

I mean, I had that
job creating ads

for the North Dakota
board of tourism.

Hi. Do you
like South Dakota,

but don't want to
see Mount Rushmore?

Come to North Dakota.

It's just a very long drive
from wherever you live.

Best of all, most of
the good license plates
aren't taken yet.

Imagine coming here and
having "Cool Dude" or
"Yay Jews" or "Boo Jews,"

depending on where
you stand on Jews.

Stewie, what are
you doing?
Huh?

Oh, Brian,
oh, there you are.
I've been...

I've been looking all
over the table for you.

You know, I've got to
tell you, this stuff

you gave me was a
lifesaver last night.

I was out like a light.

And, you know, normally,
I'm up five or six times
to scream and defecate.

But you know what?
I slept straight through.

Stewie, I told you,
there's alcohol in that.
It's not for kids.

You're not for kids.

Stewie, you're drunk.
Oh...

Brian's all serious.

"Oh, I don't...
I don't drink in
the morning

"because I've got
to land a plane."

All right, come on,
I've got to
drive you to daycare.

Okay, okay, it's all right.
Calm down, calm down.
Oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, I think I've...
I think I've put my
shoes on the wrong feet.

Is it 9:15 already?
Lois, we got to go!

You know,
I've got all the papers
for the loan officer,

but I got to admit,
I'm a little nervous.

Don't worry,
we're gonna get
this loan, no problem.

And if you get nervous,
just do what I always do,

picture your audience naked.

Good afternoon, Mr.
and Mrs. Griffin.
Ahhh!

Get that enormous
thing out of my face!

I'll be your loan officer,

so why don't you have
a seat and tell me
about your business?

Our business is cookies.
Now let me ask you a question.

You ever heard of money?
Yes.

Good, good. We're on
the same page.

Now, sir, let me ask
you something else.

Can you name one
successful company
that isn't cookie-based?

Microsoft.

Peter, I'll handle this.

Uh, my husband and I
would like to
open a cookie store.

We've done all the research,
and I'm very confident
we can turn a profit.

I've brought some samples
if you'd like to try one.

She said "one."
Take one.

Mmm.

Well, these are delicious.
Let me just run
this by my supervisor.

Yes!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
this bank would like

to help you start your business.

Really? Oh,
that's fantastic!

And if you have
any other questions,
you can call me at any time.

Hello?
How far away
are the stars?

Brian! Brian!

Hold... Hold on
one second. I'll be right
with you, Mr. Duckford.

Brian!
What?

Let's order...
I was just thinking,
let's order a kebab.

A what?
A kebab.

But I want it in
this order, vegetable,
meat, meat, vegetable, meat.

And, um, Mr. Duckford
would like some quackers.

Can I leave now?

No, no, Bri...
No, you can't.

Brian, I need your help.

I've made a series
of small poops in my bath,

and I need you
to scoop them out
with this fishnet.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

You have to.
You're my butler.

I'm not your butler.

I know,
but wouldn't it be
great if you were?

I'd be so happy.

In fact, the only thing
that would make me happier

would be if this tub
was filled with yaw-gurt.

Can you get me some yaw-gurt?

Is the yaw-gurt shop still open?

Is there some place
to dial up yaw-gurt?

Stop saying that.

What's the best skin yaw-gurt?

Who can prepare me
a nice yaw-gurt treatment?

If you say it like
that one more time,
I'm gonna drown you.

Yaw-gurt. Ah.

See? You're not...
You're not gonna
do anything.

Hey, hey, Brian,
am I a good little guy?

This space will
be perfect, Peter.

Yeah, it sure will, Lois.
Now all we got to
do is name the store.

Oh! Oh, I got it.
"Peter's Wife's Cookies."

I love it.
And I love you.

Really?
Yes.

You know, we did
so-so building a family,
but this business,

I think we can really
knock it out of the park.

Oh, we sure can, Lois.
We're gonna be a great team.

Like Moses and his
buddy who liked to
collect seashells.

Yay!

Oh, I can't believe it, Peter.
Our first day of business.

All right.
Well, we have
got work to do,

so let's roll up our sleeves
and get right to it.

There's a lot to do,

so we can't be afraid to
just roll up our sleeves
and get the job done.

We can't be hands-off managers.

We got to roll up our
sleeves and just dig in.

Peter, your arms
are turning purple.

Purple with success.
That's the color of money.

You got to do
the work of two men
and pay yourself for one.

Just roll up those
sleeves and address

the task at hand,
whatever it may be,

not shying away
from the dirty work,

but just rolling
up our sleeves
and having at it.

Success is not given.
It is taken.

It's time to get in
the game and get dirty.

All right, I'm going to lunch.

Yes, I'd like
a chocolate chip cookie.

Elmer!
What, Mom?

You promised I could
get a cookie if I
finished all my surgery.

Did you?

Yeah.

All of it?
Um...

Get back there.

I'm gonna do it.
What does it
matter when I do it?

Lois, Lois,
lock the door.
Why?

It's that lady who
comes in, tries a sample,

and then whispers
about how bad she is.

Hey.

Oh, my God,
you have chocolate
macadamia nut.

Oh, could I just
try a little sample?

Oh, I'm so bad.

Uh, sure.

You gonna buy
a cookie this time?

Oh, I better just
stick with the sample.
I'm so bad.

But at least I know I'm bad,
so that makes me
a little less bad.

Or worse.

That was the right
thing to do, Peter.

Oh, boy, it's been really slow.

I mean, if it doesn't
pick up soon,

we're not gonna stay
in business very long.

Don't you worry,
Lois, you keep baking,
I'll drum up some business.

We just got to
think outside the box,

like the makers of
Dreyer's ice cream.

Guys, I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.

When people go to
the supermarket,

they need something
to look at before they
choose Haagen-Dazs.

Hey, dude, can you
pass me a speck
of Spazz?

Sorry, brah, all out.

You want a cube of Froosh?

Nah, I'm not into Froosh.

I got a tear of Laser Dragon.

Can I handle it?

I don't know.
Can you?

I don't know
what to do, you guys.

The cookie shop is tanking.
If it fails, we're screwed.

My God, what does
it take to get people
to buy a damn cookie?

Peter, let me tell
you something.

I spend $600 a month
on scented candles
at the farmer's market

just because
there's a hot
chick selling them.

So what are you saying?

You just bragging about candles?

That's a weird
thing to brag about.

No, I'm saying sex sells.

Trust me, you get
a few hotties in that
cookie shop of yours,

I bet your sales will go up.

Giggity.

That was an unearned
giggity, Quagmire.

I said "up." No?

No.
No.

Well, I'll try anything,
Quagmire, 'cause I actually
like running that cookie shop.

It's way better
than that job I had
telemarketing to buttholes.

Hello?
Sorry, wrong number.

Hello?
Sorry, wrong number.

And how are you today, sir?

Oh, my God. Customers.

What the hell?

Peter, what did you do?

I saved our business.

And don't worry,
I only hired women

whose names are cookie-related.

Lois, meet Cookie, Sugar,
Spice, Cinnamon,
Brown Sugar and Butter.

Oh, hey, Butter.

Some guys like Butter.

Peter, you turned our store
into a strip club.

And I don't like
what this place has become.

You mean hugely profitable?

We made all that today?

Well, it was twice as much,
but I had to bail
out Cinnamon's kid.

Thanks, Mr. Peter.
This guy's the best.

Well, I guess business
is better than ever.

That's the spirit, Lois.

Just you watch,
we'll be a bigger success
than Richard Branson.

Hey, where's
the business guy
in this boardroom?

It couldn't be that
tan, long-haired guy

with the white
linen pants, could it?

It is!

And now, to my
amphibious sky
submarine.

I have way too much money!

Come on, get...
Get down there,
you old bag.

There we go.

Stewie, what are you doing?

Being awesome.

Whoa, wait, wait.
You're in no
condition to drive.

I'm fine to drive.
I'm so fine. You...

I can do all the tests.
See? I can touch my nose.

I can touch my head,

shoulders, knees and toes,
knees and toes.

Stop it.
No, you stop it.

You stop it, Brian.
You're interfering with
my professional business.

Where's the radio?

Oh, my God, are you okay?

No. I don't feel so good.

We should probably
exchange numbers.

Okay. I'm a 10,
you're a four.

This one's our
new chocolate,
white chocolate,

and for every dozen we
sell, we donate 50 cents
to Operation Smile.

Yeah, nobody's listening to you.

They're all watching Sugar
write frosting swears on
her jugs.

She just wrote
"vagina" on her boobs.

That doesn't even
make any sense.

She's doing what?

I told her 10 minutes ago to put

another batch of
oatmeal in the oven.

Oh, that dough is gone, Lois.

I warmed it up and put it
behind those waist-high
holes in the wall.

Is it spaghetti?
A bowl of grapes?

Ooh, this is the best
haunted house ever.

Peter, this is disgusting.

I know we made a few changes,

but this store
should still be
about selling cookies.

Well, you're never
gonna sell any
looking like that.

There. Now you're
ready to sell cookies.

You know what?
That's it. I'm done.

I don't know
why I ever let you
talk me into this...

Whatever this is now.

It's a strip club
that gives away
free cookies.

Argh!

Oh, crap.

I should've known
something was up

when I saw all
those cars out front.

Stewie, why don't you come
and have a seat with
all your friends here?

We have something to say to you.

I'll go first.

"Stewie, I remember
the day you were born.

"I thought to myself,

"'Here's a kid who's got a
white, empty canvas stretched
out in front of him.'"

Oh, please.
What... Who...
What is this?

What is this, the circle
of perfect people?
Who are you to judge me?

Mr. Giraffe,
who lets little boys
grind on his rump.

Mr. Octopus, who
lets little boys
grind on his rump.

Every one of you
has your own problems.

Yeah, but you're the
only one who almost
killed a kid yesterday.

Yeah, well,
that's because that kid...

That's because that kid...

I know.

Oh, Brian. Who am I?

I don't have a cough,
and my sinuses are
remarkably wide open.

But I have a problem.

Good. Admitting it
is the first step.

But don't worry.
I'll get you through it.

Thank you, Brian.

You're welcome, Stewie.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to Chris's room.

We're doing
a masturbation
intervention.

I got a bunch of his friends
sitting in a circle in there.

Oh, dear God.

Oh, hey.

Lois, before you say anything,
there's something important
I want to tell you.

After you left,
I ate cookie dough

off the stomach
of a 20-year-old,

and then I vomited
and all the girls
laughed at me,

and then it came out
that they all think
I'm fat and old.

Is that it?

I guess what I'm trying
to say is, I was wrong to
choose sexiness over my wife.

Peter, what are you doing?
What... What was that?

Oh, back at the store,
I tucked my boner into
the waistband of my pants,

and now it's sitting weird.

That's your apology?

Well, that and this.

Oh, Peter, did...
Did you bake this?

Yeah. I love you, Lois.

I really liked
having a store with you,
and I'm sorry I messed it up.

I was only trying to help.

I know, Peter.

So you want to
split this with me?

Uh, I wouldn't.

Butter helped me with it,
and she has chlamydia fingers.

Well, it was fun
having our own store.

But from now on,
my cookies are only
for these customers.

Oh, Mom.

So, Mom,
what are you gonna
do with the shop?

Well, I talked to the
bank, and they agreed
to take it back.

Me love Cookie.