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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,207
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,810
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,946
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:18,183
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,552
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,132
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,723
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:29,894
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,414
Hey, guys.
You look like you're
getting a little red.
11
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:39,237
Maybe you ought to
put some sunblock on.
12
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:40,717
Joe, we just got here.
13
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:43,208
Oh, sorry about that.
These got a little
mixed up.
14
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:45,777
"Hey, glad you guys
could make it!"
15
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,512
Ugh, look at
Cleveland over there.
16
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,481
He's obviously cleaning
his feet in the pool
17
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,251
without making it look
like he's cleaning his
feet in the pool.
18
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:55,520
Oh, that's nice.
That's a good temp.
19
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:58,723
I wonder if this temp
is the same on my other foot?
20
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,927
Oh, yeah, sure is
a good day for it.
21
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,995
Good day for these
wet paintbrushes, too.
22
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,964
Is the pool too warm
for paintbrushes?
23
00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:14,840
Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
I didn't see you in the tub.
24
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:32,023
Ah. What's all this?
25
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:35,093
Honey, it doesn't seem
like the Griffins are
leaving anytime too soon!
26
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:36,761
Oh, hey, Peter.
27
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,208
Hey, Joe. What are
all these pictures?
28
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:39,298
Oh, nothing.
29
00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:40,966
They're just some
stupid scribbles
30
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,679
I've been working on
for a children's book.
31
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:45,115
Well, I don't think
that's stupid. I think
that's awesome!
32
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:46,583
I mean, my one note on these
33
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,785
would be to hide
a bunch of dongs
in the backgrounds,
34
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,287
but otherwise,
I think they're great!
35
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,911
Well, that really means
a lot to me, Peter.
36
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,791
I've been working
on this book
for nine years,
37
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,881
but I've been too afraid
to show it to anybody.
38
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,829
Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
39
00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:01,520
What if Bono had been afraid
to wear sunglasses?
40
00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,199
Then nobody would
know about Africa.
41
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:04,423
What's it about?
42
00:02:04,491 --> 00:02:06,425
Well, it's called
The Hopeful Squirrel.
43
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,293
It's about a
handicapped squirrel
44
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:11,730
who has to learn to
overcome his disabilities so
he can survive in the wild.
45
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:14,999
As you can imagine,
it's very personal to me.
46
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,568
Wait...
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00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,181
Were you once a squirrel?
48
00:02:18,205 --> 00:02:20,205
No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
49
00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:22,084
Well, you know, you ought to
do something with this.
50
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,475
Really? You think so?
51
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:25,910
Hey, trust me, Joe.
I know talent when I see it.
52
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,924
I mean, I discovered
Mr. Peanut.
53
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,881
Ordinary legume.
54
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,216
Ordinary legume.
55
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,085
Extraordinary peanut!
56
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,125
Oh, man, there she is.
57
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,205
What? Who?
That girl, right there.
58
00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:44,463
She comes in
here every morning
after her run.
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00:02:44,531 --> 00:02:46,064
Oh, I'm obsessed with her.
60
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,477
Well, why don't you
go talk to her?
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00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,234
Way ahead of you.
62
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,303
Where are you going?
63
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,108
And 1,000. Phew!
64
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,242
1,000 what?
65
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,711
Percent, that's what.
66
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:01,391
You, uh...
You in the game, too?
67
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:02,847
You mean running?
68
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,927
Oh, let me think,
what's on my trophies?
69
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:06,351
Uh, yes!
70
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,752
You're losing her!
71
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:10,422
Hey, I'm Brian.
Hi, I'm Chloe.
Nice to meet you.
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00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,235
Hey, uh, you wouldn't
maybe want to grab
73
00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:13,970
a bite to eat
sometime, would you?
74
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,994
That sounds great.
Awesome.
75
00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:17,974
You know, see, this is
how you meet people.
76
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,842
I tried the online
dating thing, but there's
77
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,906
just too much
competition out there.
78
00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:26,750
Short-but-handsome,slightly hairy,newly single salesman.
79
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:29,419
Short-but-handsome,slightly hairy,newly single salesman.
80
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,955
Short-but-handsome,slightly hairy,newly single salesman.
81
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,623
Hi, I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's
82
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,191
Wacky Waving
Inflatable Arm-Flailing
83
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,726
Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
84
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,016
Due to a gut-busting divorce,
85
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,351
limited people skills,
86
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,197
and significant
prodding from my therapist,
87
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,421
I am currently seeking
online companionship
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00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:46,424
as a short-but-handsome,
slightly hairy,
newly single salesman.
89
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,338
And I would love to
attempt to convert
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00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,173
my heavily embellished
Internet profile
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00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:51,941
and carefully airbrushed
out-of-date photo,
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00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:55,934
into a night of physical
intimacy with you!
93
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,610
Peter, I just heard
the best news.
94
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,999
Wow, word gets around fast.
95
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,648
Nice, right?
96
00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:12,237
No. Peter, I took
your advice and sent
my book to a publisher.
97
00:04:12,285 --> 00:04:14,553
They're gonna publish
The Hopeful Squirrel.
98
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:15,987
And it's all thanks to you!
99
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,422
Joe, that's amazing!
100
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:18,968
So there's gonna
be a real, live book
101
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,637
out there with your name on it?
102
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:24,262
Well, actually, I'm
writing it under a pen name,
"David Chicago."
103
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:28,667
Well, how come you
didn't just write it under
Joe Steenburg...
104
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,380
You know, your real name?
105
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,615
Eh, I wanted to
avoid catching crap
down at the police station.
106
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:34,740
They don't like
anything artistic.
107
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,808
They were pretty
rough on my mime act.
108
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,943
I'm in a box.
109
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,757
Oop! That's the
back of the box.
110
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,124
You're not supposed to talk!
111
00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:45,388
Well, how else are
you gonna know
I'm in a box?
112
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,722
Oh, hi, Brian.
113
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,892
Hey. You, uh...
You didn't forget about
our date, did you?
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00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,093
Of course not.
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00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:56,940
I was just thinking,
since it's so nice out,
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00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,741
we could go out for
a run and then eat.
117
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:01,333
Oh. Yeah... No, no.
You know,
I would totally do that.
118
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:05,103
I just...
I've already run,
like, so many K today.
119
00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:08,372
Oh, come on, don't
be a wimp! This way,
you'll earn your dessert.
120
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:14,946
Wow, this is great,
isn't it, Brian?
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00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:17,248
Yeah, it's awesome.
122
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:21,052
Hey, uh, is your vision
also reduced to
just a tiny pinhole?
123
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,721
Just push through it, Brian.
124
00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:25,534
Once you hit your
runner's high, you'll
catch your second wind.
125
00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:27,092
Runner's high?
126
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:30,521
Yeah, my endorphins
always kick in at
the top of this hill.
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00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,364
Oh, crap.
128
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:40,015
Brian, this is your heart.
129
00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,484
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
130
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,174
Stop.
131
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:45,254
Brian,this is your penis.Don't listen to him.
132
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,579
We're this close to Bone City.
133
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:49,013
Brian, I'm here, too.
134
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:51,594
I'm hanging outwith your penisand your heart.
135
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:54,119
Okay, here comes the top.
136
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,620
Chloe, I'm not sure I can...
137
00:05:58,225 --> 00:05:59,724
I feel it.
138
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,393
I'm feeling the runner's high!
139
00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:04,562
♪ It was a beautiful day
140
00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:06,932
♪ The sun beat down
141
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,934
♪ I had the radio on
142
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,403
Go get 'em, Brian!
143
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:14,439
By the way, the sun
is really a black guy.
144
00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:16,852
The moon is Korean!
145
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,643
Wow, this is amazing!
146
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,757
I never want to
lose this feeling.
147
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:24,849
♪ Yeah, I'm runnin'
down a dream
148
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,518
♪ That never would come to me
149
00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:30,722
♪ Workin' on a mystery ♪
150
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,290
Mmm.
151
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:35,026
Oh, Brian, that was incredible.
152
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:38,830
Yeah, you hump her
real good, Brian!
153
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,332
I'm gonna go ahead
and close the shades.
154
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,935
I still see you!
155
00:06:47,141 --> 00:06:50,041
Hello, everyone.
I'm Blake Walker from
Piermont Publishing.
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00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,944
Please join me in
welcoming David Chicago.
157
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:58,382
Okay, so, uh, hi, folks,
and thank you all for coming.
158
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:00,563
I know this would've been
a great day to surf.
159
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,020
That's not a joke!
160
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,957
Uh, anyway, this is
The Hopeful Squirrel.
161
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,359
"There once was
a handicapped squirrel
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00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,729
"who could not climb
trees to get food."
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00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:12,396
Okay, next page.
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00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:20,105
"The squirrel..."
The same squirrel
from the first page.
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00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,733
"hoped that the other animals
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00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,252
"would share
their food with him.
167
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,343
"'Please, ' said
the Hopeful Squirrel.
168
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,545
"'If you could all
spare just one nut,
169
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,680
"'I, too, could
survive the winter.'"
170
00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:30,948
Sorry about that.
171
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:33,218
Mommy, I don't like
the wheel man.
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00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:38,490
"But none of the other
animals would share with
the Hopeful Squirrel."
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00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:40,124
Hey, eyes front! I'm talking!
174
00:07:40,194 --> 00:07:41,759
Don't tell my kid what to do.
175
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,829
Well, maybe if you did,
I wouldn't have to!
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00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,332
Shut up! This is free!
177
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,179
You know
why it's free?
'Cause it sucks!
178
00:07:49,203 --> 00:07:50,234
Quagmire?
179
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:51,781
I think it might
be time to leave.
180
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:57,441
Oh, crap, this is Joe's dream.
I gotta do something.
181
00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,044
Joe, what are you doing?
182
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,791
The squirrel doesn't
even sound hopeful.
It's got to be like,
183
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:06,417
"If you could
spare just one nut, I, too,
could survive the winter!"
184
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,686
Oh, I like that voice.
185
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,120
He's funny.
186
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,167
That's the man who
passed out at
the liquor store.
187
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,558
Joe, quick, give me the book.
188
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:17,696
"And so, the squirrel decided
to climb for his own nuts.
189
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:22,801
"'I don't need legs when
I've got a positive
attitude and arm strength.'"
190
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:27,104
"'I'm sorry that
we mistreated you, '
said Buddy the Badger.
191
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:30,475
"'Could you find
it in your heart to
share your nuts with us?'
192
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:33,844
"'Of course I'll
share with you all, '
said the squirrel.
193
00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:38,683
"'For if I could not
forgive, then I would be
truly handicapped.'"
194
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,070
Wow, that was great.
Who are you?
195
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:50,361
Just a grown man
with a pet hermit crab.
196
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:53,965
Listen, Joe, how would you
feel about your friend
getting more involved?
197
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,077
What do you mean?
198
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,935
Well, you would write the books,
199
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,615
and your friend, Peter,
would be the public face
of The Hopeful Squirrel.
200
00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:01,639
He would be David Chicago.
201
00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:03,988
Well, I...
I don't know.
202
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,709
Joe, this happens all the time.
203
00:09:05,778 --> 00:09:08,546
You wouldn't believe
who really writes all
those Stephen King books.
204
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,948
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
205
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,318
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
206
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,321
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Lunch!
207
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:20,258
Look, Peter can get this
book into the hands of
every kid in America.
208
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,837
That's what you
wanted, isn't it?
209
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:25,964
All right. Well,
whatever you think is
best for the book.
210
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:29,433
Great! So, it's all
agreed. Can't wait to
work with you, Peter.
211
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:31,936
What... What
just happened?
212
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:34,116
Oh, the bookstore closed
and is now a Target.
213
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,041
But don't worry,
our industry's fine.
214
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,016
Excuse me, Mr. Chicago?
215
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,763
Could you please
sign my copy of your book?
216
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,498
Sure, I...
Easy there, Joe.
217
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:50,522
Hot Rod asked
for Mr. Chicago.
218
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:55,526
"Give me all your money,
I have a gun"?
219
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,807
Oh. Wait, I think I
messed something up.
220
00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,264
"Never give up on your dreams"?
221
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:06,036
Listen, Peter, if you're
gonna act as David Chicago,
I need to know
222
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,650
that you're gonna
take this seriously
223
00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:09,452
and honor the
message of the book.
224
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,142
Joe, I got it. Trust me.
225
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:14,546
This ain't the first time
I've pretended to
be someone I'm not.
226
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:19,684
Gene Shalit, I am
the ghost of Roger Ebert.
227
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,332
And even in death,
I'm a better
critic than you.
228
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:25,222
Leave me alone!
Go back to hell!
229
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,526
Gene, is everything all right?
230
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:30,762
It's fine, Joanne.
Go back to sleep.
231
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:45,944
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
232
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:49,047
Welcome to another edition
of Cross-Legged Chat.
233
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:50,648
Our guest on today's show
234
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:53,985
is local best-selling
children's book author,
David Chicago.
235
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,564
Welcome.
Thank you.
236
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,633
Wow, all your words
are right there for you?
237
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:01,059
Quite...
Quite the imagination
on this one.
238
00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:02,927
So, tell me, how did you decide
239
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,897
to write about
a handicapped squirrel?
240
00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:08,544
You know, I'd see these
crippled kids limping
down the sidewalk
241
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:11,647
on my way to work,
and I would just
laugh and laugh,
242
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,591
and I thought,
"Hey, put that in a book!"
243
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:18,710
He's making people laugh
at handicapped people.
244
00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:20,177
What's he doing out there?
245
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:22,624
I'll tell you what he's
doing. He's selling books!
They love him!
246
00:11:22,648 --> 00:11:25,549
Now, I understand we
have some questions
from the audience.
247
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:29,553
Yes, I have a question.
Is the Hopeful
Squirrel a boy or a girl?
248
00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:31,400
I'm a boy!
249
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:35,226
But in the book, I'm
drawn smooth down there,
so it's not a bad question.
250
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:36,627
Okay, that's all our time.
251
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,541
We invite you to stay tuned
through the credits
252
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,798
so you can see
where I buy my clothes.
253
00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:53,878
So, what's going on here?
254
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,547
Just having dinner.
255
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:58,116
That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
256
00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:01,452
Wow, Brian, you sure have been
doing a lot of jogging lately.
257
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,688
It's called "running," Lois.
258
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,201
Why don't you have some food?
259
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,058
Oh, you mean fuel?
260
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,728
No offense, Lois, but
that stuff is nothing but
chemicals and empty calories.
261
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,942
Okay. I'll mush some
up and put it on the
262
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:15,699
floor next to the trash,
if you get hungry.
263
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,747
I think you bought
girl running shoes.
264
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:20,204
You know, in case any of you
want to, uh, come cheer us on,
265
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:23,174
Chloe and I are
doing the Quahog Marathon
in a couple weeks.
266
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:27,011
A marathon? But what
if that sexy boy
has another bomb?
267
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,213
Yeah, are you sure
you can finish a marathon?
268
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,614
I'm not worried, Meg.
269
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,683
I'm just gonna
give it all I've got,
270
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,686
like Scotty engineering
the Enterprise.
271
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:38,122
Scotty, we need more speed!
272
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:41,037
I'm giving herall she's got, Captain!She can't take anymore!
273
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:43,806
Damn. Chekov,
reroute auxiliary
power to the helm...
274
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,596
Scotty to bridge. Uh...
275
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,531
Captain, this is, uh...
276
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,568
This is a littleembarrassing, but, uh,you know, I've never noticed,
277
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,481
uh, the little
lever I've been pushing,
278
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:54,872
it's only about
two-thirds of the way up.
279
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,407
I actually can give her more.
280
00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:59,021
That's great, Scotty!
Mr. Spock, give
us readings on...
281
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:02,714
Captain,Scotty again. You'renot gonna believe this.
282
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,727
There is another
lever here, too.
283
00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:07,919
The ship can literally
go three times as fast.
284
00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:11,189
I'm sorry,I feel like such acapital J jerk right now.
285
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:14,036
It's okay, Scotty.
Lieutenant Uhura,
open all channels for...
286
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,805
Captain, I've got
to interrupt again.
287
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:18,241
I've just been
thinking about this
288
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,209
"giving her all
she's got" thing.
289
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:23,179
I mean, I've beencompletelywrong for years now.
290
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:24,702
I feel terrible.
291
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,548
I mean, think ofhow many criseswe've been in
292
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,851
where the issue was
how fast we could go.
293
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,841
I mean... I'm sorry, Captain.
294
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,076
Scotty, it's okay.
295
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,305
No, it's not!
Eric's dead!
296
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:37,326
At the funeral,I literally said thewords to his wife,
297
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,995
"I was giving her
all she's got."
298
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,352
Scotty, it's fine.
Sulu, lock phasers...
299
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,199
Captain,
I just got to jump in here.
300
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:46,223
We don't haveenough dilithium crystalsto run the phasers.
301
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:51,187
I've lost allcredibility,haven't I?
302
00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:56,946
Peter, I think we need to talk.
303
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,547
You totally screwed up my book.
304
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,738
You're getting kids to
laugh at handicapped people,
305
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,651
when I'm trying to inspire them.
306
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,620
I'm afraid you're
off the project.
307
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:08,079
What? You can't kick
me off the project.
I'm David Chicago!
308
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:09,725
I'm the one who wrote the book.
309
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:11,482
Joe, come on.
Let's not kid
ourselves.
310
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,318
All right?
Everybody knows
my face now.
311
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:16,399
And besides, I'm the only
one of the two of us who
can do a squirrel voice.
312
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,501
Well, I don't know
if that's quite true.
313
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,658
Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
314
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:24,195
Sorry, Joe, but the
publisher loves me.
The public loves me.
315
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:25,796
I'm not going anywhere.
316
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,210
Screw you, Peter!
You know what? You've
ruined this for me.
317
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,112
I want nothing to
do with the book,
318
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,417
and I want nothing
to do with you!
319
00:14:34,106 --> 00:14:37,274
Aw, one of his
shoes fell off
during the anger.
320
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:48,019
Peter, Bonnie told me
that Joe's very upset.
321
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,032
Did you really take
his book away from him?
322
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:52,756
Did you just poop
and then get into bed
without underwear on?
323
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,736
That book really
meant a lot to Joe.
324
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,605
I think you should talk to him.
325
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,629
Hey, that book
would've been
nothing without me.
326
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,564
And besides,
he's the one who quit.
327
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,334
Now the publisher
wants another book,
and it's all on me!
328
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,803
I just hate to see
you two in a fight.
329
00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:08,172
And on the same
week when my sister
330
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,475
and I are having
such a big fight, too.
331
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:13,410
Good night, Lois.
332
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:22,120
All right, guys. Ideas,
ideas. We got a HopefulSquirrel book to write.
333
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:23,265
All right, now,
who's got something?
334
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:24,800
I got something.
335
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:29,226
What if the squirrel has lasers
336
00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:30,939
that he shoots out of his eyes?
337
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,063
Quagmire's on the board.
338
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,243
And how about he
got a frog friend
339
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,278
that's got some
sort of catchphrase?
340
00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:38,947
Like, if he's
seeing something kooky,
he could be like,
341
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:42,540
"Damn, that's
cray-cray in a good way,
right there!"
342
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,075
Wow.
343
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,710
God just speaks
right through you,
doesn't he, Cleveland?
344
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,046
I believe he does.
345
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,191
Okay, what else, what else?
346
00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:51,615
If there's a bison...
347
00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:53,384
Is that a statement
or a question?
348
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,493
It is what it is.
Ain't nothing
gotta be nothing, huh?
349
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,671
Hey, Stewie!
Can you come in
the bathroom for a second?
350
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:06,597
What is it...
Oh, my God!
351
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,667
Hey, could you close the gate?
Couple of calves got loose.
352
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:10,801
Ha, pow!
353
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,503
Brian, you're all sinewy.
354
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,739
Your whole body looks like
Paul McCartney's neck.
355
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:15,906
Thanks.
356
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,619
That's not a compliment.
You look terrible.
357
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:19,283
What does your
girlfriend think of this?
358
00:16:19,345 --> 00:16:21,256
I dumped her.
She couldn't
keep up with me.
359
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,825
Hey, grab me some
more Band-Aids,
will you?
360
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:25,560
I got, like, eight more
nipples to cover up
before my run.
361
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:29,119
You know, whatever
you're doing, it...
It isn't healthy, Brian.
362
00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:30,632
Oh, I'm not healthy?
363
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,468
Stewie, my heartrate
is down to four
beats a minute.
364
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:36,438
Besides, I got to keep
training. The marathon's
in two days.
365
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:39,797
Brian, I... I'm worried
you're losing
yourself in all this.
366
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:42,766
Do you remember that
phase when you thought
you were a pointer dog?
367
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:45,203
Was someone wearing
my new high heels?
368
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,038
You dick.
369
00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:00,562
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
370
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,653
hot moms who are married,
but looking...
371
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:06,824
David Chicago!
372
00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:11,273
Hey, how many of y'all
bitches like to read?
373
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:17,802
"Chapter 1.
374
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,215
"It was winterin the forest,so the squirrel
375
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:22,940
"was happy he'd
built that hot tub.
376
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:28,412
"But little did he know,a strain of super gonorrheawas gonna hit him so fierce,
377
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:31,549
"he'd wish hewas still paralyzedfrom the waist down.
378
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:35,453
"On top of that,some son of a bitchkilled his brother."
379
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,458
"The monkey'skick ass buzzsaw handtore his head open.
380
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:45,363
"'His brains, his brains!They're everywhere, 'the little girl yelled."
381
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:48,010
"'Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!'"
382
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:50,301
"...exclaimed
Billy the Bullfrog."
383
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,571
"The woodchuck momand her babyfinished their cocoa
384
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:56,507
"and then tucked in
for another cozy night.
385
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,543
"But then..."
386
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:02,980
"'Nothing but cops on the takeand hookers on the make, 'said Randy the Raccoon.
387
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:05,883
"'What's a hooker?'
asked the bunny, who was gay.
388
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:09,887
"'That and a bag of crankis my Saturdaynight, ' spat Randy.
389
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,488
"The end."
390
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:13,902
You're awful.
391
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,059
That was the worst.
392
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,928
We had trouble
hearing you in the back.
393
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,532
I'm sorry, Peter, you're fired.
394
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,770
I'm sorry Joe's dream
didn't work out
for you, Peter.
395
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:30,374
What was
I thinking? Joe's the
one with all the talent.
396
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:34,244
Me trying to write a book
is like CeeLo trying to
find a pair of pants.
397
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:38,216
Yeah, I need to find something
a cartoon apple would wear.
398
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:46,290
Hey, you made it!
So, you ready to
watch me kick some ass?
399
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,425
Brian, I think you've
taken all of this too far.
400
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,761
You know,
there is such a thing
as too much exercise.
401
00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:52,407
Stewie, I know you're
worried, all right?
402
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:55,899
And no offense,
but I'm not taking advice
from a guy who eats bread.
403
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,368
Runners, take your marks!
404
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,979
Son of a bitch! Ow!
405
00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:11,682
My leg! Help me, somebody!
406
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:21,992
Brian, why does
everything you touch
turn to garbage?
407
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,081
Peter.
408
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:33,237
Look, Joe,
I messed up.
All right?
409
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:36,307
I just... I just
got so wrapped up
in all the attention.
410
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,477
The attention you deserved.
411
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:41,545
I know how much
this meant to you,
412
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,448
and I should've
just stayed out of it.
413
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,651
Listen, I'm...
I'm sorry I mistreated you.
414
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,254
Okay? You deserve better.
415
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,023
Peter, wait.
416
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:57,495
If I could not forgive,
then I would be
truly handicapped.
417
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:58,696
What?
418
00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:00,543
It's from the
book, Peter.
What book?
419
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,599
I forgive you, Peter.
You do?
420
00:20:02,668 --> 00:20:04,713
Yeah. The truth is,
without you,
421
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,515
I never would have
had the confidence
422
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,217
to get my book published
in the first place.
423
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,321
And that's all I ever wanted.
424
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:12,076
Friends?
425
00:20:12,145 --> 00:20:13,377
Frasier.
426
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,883
So, Bri, how's that ankle itch?
427
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,029
Well, what do you mean?
428
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,297
I'm just saying,
you probably have
429
00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:23,854
an itchy ankle under that cast.
430
00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:26,082
Starts as a tickle
and then you
can't quite reach it?
431
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,325
Not gonna work, Stewie.
432
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,240
Yes, you're right.
Best not to think about it.
433
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:32,429
Even though it might
be a little bug
digging away down there,
434
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:33,897
just nagging and itching and...
435
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,999
Crap, I did it to myself!
436
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,602
Ew! What is that?
437
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,271
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you made up with Joe.
438
00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:41,705
Yeah, me, too.
439
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:45,142
It just goes to
show you, Lois,
books is bad news.
440
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,811
Well, except for the books
they sell at Urban Outfitters.
441
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,614
The Single Girls'
Guide to Happy Hour.
442
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,883
Dogs Who Look Like Presidents.
443
00:20:52,951 --> 00:20:56,387
This one's just pictures
of people reacting to farts.
444
00:20:56,455 --> 00:20:58,922
I like where the USA is headed.
36010
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