All language subtitles for Dial M For Middlesbrough - 2019.eng

Are you in there?

Have you come to us?

Oh my goodness, you're here.

Do you know what you are?

You're the first ever confirmed egg

of the African Mud Dribbler.

We thought you were extinct.

Ooh.

Sorry about your sister or brother.

Hi, Neil, it's Mary.

They've nested.

Oh, and it seems you were
wrong, they only lay one egg.

Hello?

Okay if you're not listening,

I'll see you back at the caravan.

I don't know why I'm still
talking, no one can hear me.

Oh, hello, you're out for a
midnight stroll too.

Swing ball?

Ground's a bit hard for that I think.

What would you ram the spike into?

♪ Watch out here I come ♪

♪ You spin me right
round baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record baby,
right round, round, round ♪

♪ You spin me right
round baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record baby,
round, round, round, round ♪

Is that Terry's singing we can hear?

It's either that or he's
sat on his keys again.

You're supposed to pick us
up from the home by now.

We want to get to Middlesbrough Gemma.

Hilda's sister's funeral
starts in two hours.

Please hurry Gemma, I want to have a rifle

through her things before
all the good stuff goes.

Grief is tangible Hilda.

We're just around the corner girls.

You wish.

It was that bloody storm.

Washed all the roads out.

God only knows where we are.

Well you'd better be quick,

or we're not coming to your wedding.

Ooh you won't want to miss the wedding.

Terry's planning it all himself.

It's gonna be amazing ladies, get classy.

Odlum chocolate fountains?

We're having a gravy
fountain, surrounded by veg.

Yeah, like I said you're
not gonna want to miss it.

Wedding...

On mine, I got food poisoning

and splatters right on
the hem of my dress.

Hello, Mildred?

Hello?

The signal's gone we're
in the middle of nowhere.

There's a lot of lights
flashing on that dashboard.

How many times Gemma, the
lights are just a guideline.

I mean look at it, that that one says that

the emergency exit door's
open, but how can it be?

I shut.

Believe me, nothing wrong with this car.

Why did you have to say that?

It's listening to you.

All right then, we'll pull in here

but it can't be anything important.

We only had to service seven years ago.

Shady Creek?

Keep going don't stop.

Please work, please work.

Are you all right?

You're covered in blood.

Blood?

Oh no, no, it's ragout.

I was making a fresh batch and I heard

a bang and dropped the pot.

You can have a taste if you want.

Go on, lick me, anywhere you like.

Lord Jesus lord save me.

It's all right Terry, it's ragout.

Oh, great.

For a minute there I thought

something really weird was going on.

What's wrong with your bus?

It's nothing.

We'll find a servicers or something

and get it looked at there

but we're definitely leaving.

I'm really sorry to bother
you but bye now, bye.

No, there's nothing around here.

I'll show you to the
car park, it's not far.

Welcome to Shady Creek.

And to you, welcome back.

Right, can you fix it quickly?

I just wanna get out of here.

Gemma, I know this car like
the back of my hand, okay?

Just let me start it, we'll be back

on the boat's way in two ticks.

Yeah, we're stuck here.

Nope, nope, nope, no way, not here.

I'm ringing the recovery
services or we're getting a taxi.

Or we're walking, or we're running.

Ragout really...

It suits you.

Oh bloody hell, can't get a signal.

No, not here.

Come to reception, use the landline.

The others will want to see you.

The others are waiting.

I'm telling you now
what I told you before.

We do not have rats here.

We prefer to call them urban badgers.

A magical wilderness memory
provided at no extra cost.

You hear that?

No extra cost.

You're receiving free badgers off me.

Welcome, welcome everyone
to Shady Creek Caravan Park.

A luxury spa static lodge.

Village nature experience
Centre.

Susan, you're moist, what's happened?

I had a ragout incident but I'm fine.

I'll go back, scoop it
up, get it tupperwared.

Go rinse yourself off.

Welcome.

Once you visit Shady Creek,

you'll find yourself coming
back time and time again.

They all do.

Don't they Gemma?

Oh do you know Gemma then?

No, she doesn't.

She probably thinks I'm someone else.

I've got one of those
faces like everyone's got.

I've got an everyone face.

Oh Gemma, Gemma.

How could I forget our
favourite ever guest?

I used to come here on my holidays.

Oh shush shush.

Gemma your hair is...

It's massive.

well, it was the nineties,

it was all about volume back then.

Can you just call the recovery people?

Gemma to what do we owe this honour?

Oh, we've had a breakdown.

I've had one or two myself since

the last time I saw ya.

What do you mean all the
roads are washed out?

No, I can't just turn on a television.

Because I'm nowhere near a television.

In fact, I think come
nearer to a twilight zone.

TV?

I'm Jane
McDonald, and I want you

to enjoy my Secretions.

Now you can
enjoy Secretions for men

from Jane's glands to your hand.

We are happy to report that
the stall is reaching its end.

Thank God.

But the rains have caused

their usual flooding
cutting off many areas

of the region for the foreseeable future.

You're going to be staying with us.

What fun, aye, Jed?

No, no, it's fine we'll
sleep on the coach.

With the doors closed, and locked.

I'll tell you what Evie, why don't

we put them in number four?

You're in luck.

Number four has just had its
toilet sealed back up, mostly.

Mostly.

Lovely caravan number four.

I sometimes sleep in at
myself if Evie and I arguing.

So if you find a pair of underpants

in the bed, don't you
worry, they'll be mine.

Good customer feedback then.

It's just local kids.

Last year, they did a
gentleman's private parts

on the crazy golf course.

It looks as if it was filling
the water hazard.

I see you conned another
hapless couple into staying

in one of your mobile fire hazards.

This is professor Neil Higginbottom.

Brought him down from the university.

He thinks there may be a rare
bird nesting on the site.

Could turn this whole place
into a nature reserve by which

I mean middle-class goldmine,
ka-ching.

Always looking for the fast buck, Jed.

It's people like you who
have ruined this world.

You have no dignity, have you?

Ignore him.

He is something of an eco warrior.

And here we are.

Oh.

I'll give you the keys Terry, save

the little lady from losing them.

Oh, very misogynistic.

That's the kind of an
attitude from the seventies.

Which is the way we like
to do things around here.

Thanks for noticing.

Oh.

Drink?

Maybe several.

I forgot.

The bloke with the white dove says

we can't have them for the wedding.

Ah.

But he says, we can spray or
paint a pigeon if we want to.

Oh wow, what a day it's gonna be.

Fountains of gravy and
animal cruelty, yay.

Clive, you've just ruined that sofa.

And why?

Because you couldn't be
bothered going to the toilet.

Is everything all right?

No, it's not.

My husband is a filthy animal.

He's just done his business

where he knows it's forbidden.

You can't just defecate
where you want, can you?

I feel this is one of
them situations where

they're best left to
sort it by themselves.

Oh, typical men, y'all
stick together, don't you?

Oh, it's lovely having a wife.

But when it comes down
to it, it's the brothers

of the penis club that
comes before anyone else.

I'm not in the penis club.

He's not.

He's supposed to poo in the
box, like a good boy should.

Do you hear me Clive?

I am not your slave.

Look at me when I'm talking to your Clive.

Oh, it probably doesn't know any better.

It's just a tortoise.

He's my husband.

When Clive died, he put his
spirit into that tortoise.

I knew as soon as a
walked into that pet shop.

You can tell by the eyes.

Yeah, it could be twins.

I mean the tortoise does have
a smaller head, obviously.

You think?

Are you staying long then?

No, just till tomorrow when

the recovery services get here.

If God hears my prayers.

Then I'll be leaving
tomorrow or the next day.

Nobody leaves, except
that family last week.

They left.

Something about maggots in the sandpit.

What was that?

Could be anything around here.

Probably foxes having a tuff.

So we're staying long or you can not see

that far into the future?

I live here, permanent resident.

And nothing and no one is going
to make Clive and me leave.

So if you see Jake, you
might remind him of that.

Not leaving.

Him and his bloody celebrity friends.

Sorry buddy, I'm just out for my run.

Gorgeous.

What?

What, nothing.

This is Chad, he's American.

Just got here yesterday.

Apparently, a lot of his problems
are to do with his father.

He'll tell you all
about it if you let him.

And if you don't.

Sorry, always been my problem.

I let my boundaries down too quick.

In many ways I think it's
a way to rush the intimacy

I was refused as a child.

And we're off again.

-Hi, I'm Gemma.
- Hey?

This is my friend Terry.

Friend?

Fiance.

Let's hug it up, big guy.

Real men aren't afraid to bond.

Terry's not really a hugger.

I am.

We're going to be friends.

Don't count your chickens.

I need the bar, now.

I'll come with you.

You know, my therapist says I need

to spend more time talking
to someone who's not her.

Excuse me, we need another caravan

because the one you've given us is icky.

Icky.

I'm standing here covered in ick.

There's fleas in the towels.

How will we know that
they're clean fleas then?

They must've just jumped
out from the shower.

Nothing but the best at Shady Creek.

No, sorry, no.

We booked this in good faith.

Our faith was good, and we
have now lost that faith.

Now I've spoken to my husband
Phil about this at length,

but the more I talk, the angrier
he has gotten, look at him.

So I'm going to have
to calm Phil down now,

because if he kicks off,
you will not like it.

It's all right babe, don't worry.

No one forgets one of
Phil's tongue lashings.

He lashed me with his tongue once

and I have never forgotten it.

Yes, I imagine you wouldn't.

Easy now my love, remember
we have each other.

One heart, two people,
four legs, one purpose.

And not a brain cell between them.

Gemma, glass of bubbly to
celebrate your return to us.

Champagne, here, really?

Well very nearly.

Think of it as Prosecco-ish, Albanian.

They have a ridiculously
strict health code over there,

so officially it's banned.

But once you get used to the after taste,

it's really rather cheeky.

It's not that bad, actually.

Burns, doesn't it?

Yeah.

My teeth have gone soft.

I have pain and it's not
emotional, it's real.

Help, help, my tongue's swollen.

No no, it's no good.

Just take me back to the caravan.

We can find a dark leaf for me to suck on.

You, mark my words, this is not finished.

If you're wanting something
to complement the flavour,

we've matched it with
these vegan scotch eggs.

I've added substitute of

the animal products for something else.

So it's a breaded bowl of
bread, with bread in the middle.

Jed described them as...

A bit bready.

That's right, a little bit bready.

Jed, big news.

We've heard a report our bird
is flying in this direction.

We should have a sighting any day now.

Success is ours, and David Attenborough

can kiss my dangly bits.

Oh God, not this bloody
sparrow thing again.

Professor Neil Higginbottom.

I would ask you your
name, hardly relevant.

We've met before.

Yes yes, you're welcome.

The African Mud Dribbler is
not just some sparrow Evie.

If we can prove it migrates to this area,

this whole place will be
a protected wildlife site.

They might even rename it after
me, Higginbottoms Dribbler.

That will shut old H from Steps up.

H from Steps?

Is he a celebrity friend
Edna was telling us about?

Thinks he can buy me out.

Not a chance.

And he's not a friend of mine.

We're members of the same Rotary club

and I won't speak ill
of a fellow Rotarian.

It's the Rotarian way.

But he's an ass.

Absolute ass.

More like ass from Steps.

Wants to turn this
place into a theme park.

It would ruin the natural
beauty of Shady Creek.

Oh that reminds me, the cess
pool's overflowing again.

When professor Neil here finds my bird,

you'll have the best bloody cesspool

this side of the.

Don't get ahead of yourselves,

we need a confirmed siting first.

I've got cameras all over
the forest, streaming back

to my laptop, but I need
to see with my own eyes.

Then we'll have the whole bird
watching community down here.

You hear that Evie?

Can you imagine this place
full of bird Watchers?

Oh brilliant.

A bar full of people with not so much as

a shaved leg or toppings in sight.

Yes, I'm not a fan either Evie.

They've been laughing at me for years.

Let's see how hard they laugh
when I show them my Dribbler.

Sorry, good to see you in the flesh Gemma.

Smaller hair than usual.

He's right about one thing.

It's nice to see you Gemma.

Oh God, no.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Mysterious girl I
wanna get close to you ♪

Do you want another baby sham?

I love it.

All right, just don't tell my mom.

Didn't tell her how your
leg warmers ended up

in my caravan now, did I?

Gems, wow you have the most bubbles

I've ever seen on a human head.

I can't feel my scalp.

I love you.

Are you having a fit?

No, he's party popping.

It was quite a thing back then

but couldn't really do it then either.

It's good to have you back baby girl, huh?

Hello Darren?

We were teenagers back then,
but I've never forgotten you

I've kept myself pure for you.

There's been a lot of other
women that have wanted me,

but I've always said no, no way.

It's just, I'm Gemma's, aye?

Hello I'm Teddy, Gemma's fiance.

So that means we're getting married soon.

Ah, Darren, activities
coordinator and Gemma's first.

That means I was the first to, you know?

-Yeah
- Yeah.

So what do you do Terry?

Are you gonna tell me that
you were the one that won

the 1993 regional roller
skate brand jam roller riots

sponsored by Spigots Sausages?

Do you like to ride the

Or do those eight wheels
make you drop your ass?

My ass is firmly in my own
hands, thank you very much.

really?

Let's get on the rink then
and see what you're made of.

Fine

Winner gets Gemma.

Sounds reasonable.

Hello, Terry, I'm not a thing to be won.

Sorry love.

You heard the lady, she's nobody's prize.

To the rink then.

Oh dear God, this is just awful.

It's Y O U apostrophe R E.

Honestly, the education
system in this country.

Mary, are you back yet?

We've got some awful new guests,

didn't catch their names.

Where the hell are you?

Mary.

Gemma's back, tiny hair this time.

All right, I've got everything

in here should you need it.

Dressing up stuff...

Now these we had to blunt.

Although once the dust had settled we gave

the little lad a pirate costume.

By then he'd had the eye patch.

Do you still like a pirate costume Gemma?

I seem to remember you enjoyed
having your jolly rodgered.

Oh, oh, whoa.

actually, I get a bit
seasick these days Darren.

I prefer to travel by coach.

Yeah, she likes it when I'm at the wheels

on the bus going round-

You don't always have to talk Terry.

Round.

Mary.

Mary.

A hand?

Who throws away a hand?

Mary?

Swing ball?

I didn't even know they still made those.

♪ Looking for some hot
stuff baby this evening ♪

♪ I need some hot stuff baby tonight ♪

♪ I want some hot stuff ♪

Ah looks like we might have a non-starter

and Gemma's dance partner
might have to come in here

and get the old team
back together again, huh?

I think I might go and get

my championship winning
skates from the caravan.

Tess?

Hey Tess, don't you go too far without me.

I must admit I'm having a whale of a time

at your creepy childhood holiday paradise.

Just let yourself
go, give in to the skates.

The skates aren't the problem,
gravity that's the enemy.

You're trying, and that's why I love you.

One question, was you attracted to him

because of his Australian accent?

Look, I know loads of women
find Ausi men really sexy.

The accent, he puts it on.

Terry is from Barnsley.

Anyway, I don't look
for an accent in a man.

I look for a soulmate.

And I found mine.

Come here you.

There's been a murder.

Well of course there has.

Oh my God what's happened?

Mary, my assistant, she's dead.

She's out in the recycling
Centre, if you can call it that.

And he's chasing me, the murderer.

What if he kills me?

Who will they name the
Dribbler after, you?

You're just a nobody, it
could be nobody's Dribbler.

He's found me.

I can't stand here with you
lot, it's every man for himself.

Go back to your holes.

You have my hair, you have my hair.

He was being chased, he said?

He told us that Mary is dead somewhere

in the recycling Centre too.

Guys, the tears you see
are not of sadness or fear.

They are happy tears because I am grateful

for the challenge this is going to give me

to emotionally work through.

If he starts playing a flute,

I'll throw myself in that creek.

Here we go everyone, I thought
I might sooth your grief

with my famous spiced hot chocolate.

Can't tell you which spice though

because the label fell off the jar.

But I've been getting hints of madras

so it could have some kick.

Look I think we can all agree
that accidents will happen.

No, we are not doing this again.

Sorry?

It's always the same thing.

Somebody dies in a weird way

and then somebody says oh
it was just an accident.

Then the next thing you
know, me and Gemma are on

a sinking ship or being attacked by

a psychotic Sadie or Gillan with a knife.

No way.

We saw someone.

And I thought I was wound tightly.

This is it.

What?

The one when we die.

We're marooned with a murderer

on something that isn't
even usually an island.

And reports coming in,

there's people still cut off all over

the region including
Shady Creek Caravan Park.

Where after the roadshow last year

I still haven't been paid for.

Here is Kadja Googoo.

No Phil, I'm not enjoying this.

You should do it the way I like it.

Use your hands to reflexologize

the memory of the dead body away from me.

Well, I've spoken to the police

and they still can't get to us.

But they've asked us to keep
the body as fresh as we can,

so I've got Susan to
wrap him in cling film.

He'll keep from three to
five days if we're lucky.

I'll put him back in his caravan.

The cold will do him no harm now.

You know I'm thinking, we've seen

this kind of thing before.

We should actually investigate
this, do it properly.

No, not this time.

We always get involved Gemma,
and it never works out for us.

We always end up getting nearly killed.

Like death stalks us.

Our company logo might as well be

the grim bloody reaper driving that coach.

Well not me, no, not this time.

So what are you gonna do then?

Terry, you all right?

You're having a moment

I'm fine Gemma, I'm seeing things clearly.

I'm gonna sit here, right here.

Just watch everything unfold.

People will die, I know, but not us.

Just grab yourself a kayaking helmet

and just cuddle in behind me.

So that's your plan, is it?

Yep.

That's fine, but, when you do

that whole arrow thing,
really so gets me going.

In a very real, physical sense.

We should investigate immediately.

Now, these are all our suspects.

Staff, guests, an excitable pop star...

H from Steps?

Sure.

Can we get started on the romance?

Get this couch folded
out into a double bed.

We have to figure out how
they're all connected.

We need a notebook to
write down all our clues.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
not my wedding notebook.

This is a roadmap to a day of
beauty, not a book of death.

Terry, can we concentrate on the case?

Ooh it's our first case.

We're like proper detectives.

Gemma Draper and Terry
Bremer investigations.

Stop right there punk,
Bremer and Draper are here.

Hey, once we're married
we'll be Bremer and Bremer.

Oh God I'm gonna be
Gemma Bremer, aren't I?

Yeah, you'll be the better half of

the happiest couple in
the whole wide world.

The Bremer's.

Right.

No one's even bothered to examine

Mary's body at the recycling Centre.

I'm gonna go and see
what I can learn from it,

you go down and snoop around reception.

Someone's.

Yeah but, you can't
just go waltzing around

when there's a killer on the loose.

Answer it.

What if it's the killer?

Tell him we're not in.

It's just me guys.

Oh it's Chad.

Well definitely tell him we're not in.

Hey ya?

What are you guys doing?

Nothing, just having a quiet-

We're gonna catch the murderer Chad.

I'm off to the recycling
Centre to examine Mary's body.

Gemma, no it's too dangerous.

I'll go with her if that'll help.

See, Chad will go with me.

Gonna be like my own bodyguard.

Gemma, how can we be sure
that Chad's not the killer?

No way, I am strictly non violent.

Well I don't want you having
a non violent bodyguard.

If it comes to it Terry,
I'll just talk to the guy

and see where we can bond.

Maybe his father never interfaced
with him properly either.

Lots of room for discussion.

Fine, go.

If the killer turns up, you just run

and Chad can psycho-analyze
him into submission.

God I don't know what's wrong with her.

I really hope he's the next to die.

So do you guys do this a lot?

Solve murders?

Well we never actually solved one,

but we have been there when quite

a few of them have have happened

and I watch loads of CSI so...

Do you think Mary's body will help

us find out who the murderer is?

Oh I think you're gonna get real close

to the killer this time.

We should be careful.

Apparently, sometimes the
killer likes to return

to the scene of the crime.

Yeah, to admire just how perfectly

they had hunted their prey.

Oh my God Susan, what are you doing here?

I've come to clingfilm Mary.

But if you've got business
with her I'll come back later.

Tidy her up a bit

-Gemma?
- Shh.

I'm using all my energy not to wet myself.

Working out, yeah?

I do Pilates.

What?

I watch the DVD, which is...

It's half the battle, isn't it?

I'm sorry I just can't...

Gemma, you can do this.

Find your central power.

Would they do this on CSI?

God, of course they wouldn't,

the episode would be a
lot shorter if they did.

Then lets get in here

and find out what happened
to this poor woman.

All right.

There's something in her hand, what is it?

It's...

It was an egg.

They had found the bird.

Maybe whoever killed Mary

and Neil didn't want anyone to know that.

Let's get back to the park.

I can't, my hand's stuck in Mary's hand.

I'll get a stick, lever it open.

Yeah, if you could bring
my man back as well

that would be really nice, thank you.

Bloody hell.

Terry we're still waiting.

We've been sat here for hours.

Mildred, Edna, now is not a good time.

The body would have burned by now.

I was looking forward to a deviled egg.

I've taken my tablets for
my back end and everything.

Signal's terrible, remember?

You might get a call, but then
it dies as soon as it starts.

Like a lot of things around here.

Right.

I've seen that before.

There's somebody inside.

Be brave or run away?

Be brave, or run away?

What would Gemma do?

She'd go inside.

I suppose that means I'll
have to go inside, bugger.

Gemma what are you doing?

Gathering evidence.

Well some might say stealing.

He won't mind, he's all
cling filmed up isn't he?

I found Mary.

Neal was right, killed by a swing ball.

I took some pictures for our records.

What's this?

Terry, will you look at
the bigger picture here?

We are hunting a murderer.

We could die tonight.

Calm down, we're safe, we're together.

Terry, I've just held
hands with a dead woman.

Oh God.

I mean, poor thing.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Oh, come here, you're so sweet sometimes.

Right.

Right, so what do we know about the case?

-Two bodies.
- Yup.

Caravan park full of weirdos.

For all we know all of
them could have done it.

Saw Phil beating up a bin.

A bin?

Everyone likes to recycle I suppose.

Susan's sort of flat in the head

but I think that might just be her way.

But, I did find the accounts for the park.

Jed said they were doing really
well, but he's full of it.

They're nearly bankrupt.

Sure?

Gemma, I've seen enough
nearly bankrupt accounts

to be sure, I do all
our accounts, don't I?

Well Neil did say he had
remote cameras recording

to his laptop, we might
see something here.

Yeah but it's gonna be locked
with some kind of password.

I can get around that.

I got around yours in about five minutes.

On my laptop?

I mean it's new innit?

Not new to me, I got it from
. now they said

they'd wiped it but you
never can tell, can you?

Could be all manner of filth on that.

We'll talk about that later.

I thought.

-And I'm in, yes.
- Yay.

Lets see what we can see.

Right, lets see what's in this folder.

Look, I think we found something.

What's going on here?

Nothing X-rated I hope.

Sorry for interrupting,
thought I might just pop in

and see if you guys needed a third.

Third what?

Person?

Person for?

No, we've no spaces in the middle.

What's this?

Video farts?

Dirty videos?

You're winning Gemma, you are such...

I'm sorry, sorry about your laptop.

You won't get online here
anyway, wifi is buggered,

it's very very frustrating.

That's good to know, thanks.

You might get a little
bleep here and there but

you're better off going down to the creek.

But I'll tell you this,
you won't get any privacy

if you want to sample the dark
net of the world wide web.

Oh God.

If you know what I mean,
I usually take a tent.

And I think this conversation's
come to a natural end.

Fine, fine, if it runs out of steam

you know where to find me.

Plenty of juice left in my tank.

Oh my God, I thought he'd never go

I'm glad he's gone now.

Because if we can pretend

the last few minutes didn't happen, maybe

we could talk about what
you were saying earlier.

You know, about my
investigating turning you

on in a very beyond physical sense.

Terry, we're being watched.

I know.

Oh, lets just knock it on the head, eh?

-Yeah.
- Yeah.

We're gonna die.

We're all gonna die.

Oh.

Lucky I'm old, it won't
take much to kill me.

I'll probably barely notice.

Oh Phil, I don't wanna be
murdered in this place.

Quite the opposite, I wanna be un-murdered

in a different place.

Right, look everyone, me and
Terry are investigating all

of this, so just try to keep
your wits about you, okay?

Investigated?

So what makes you the
authority on murder, Gemma?

Well, nine people have
been murdered since me

and Terry have been working together Evie.

So I think we know our stuff
about this kind of thing.

Not something I'd be proud of darling.

Even we wouldn't advertise that.

So we're gonna head down to the creek.

Darren said we might
get a signal down there.

Try and get some leads.

And we're gonna be
going through our notes.

What's this, your wedding plans?

Planning on marrying the killer, are you?

Only if he goes down on one knee, darling.

Only if he goes down on one knee.

Down on one knee?

I panicked, didn't know what to say.

Hello, hello?

Look, it's done.

He has been disposed of okay?

Hello, hello?

I hope he had a screen cover.

You all right?

You were looking for the signal as well?

No I just dropped my phone.

All right, we just thought
we heard you shouting

at someone down the phone while
you were burying something.

You got me Gemma.

I was burying something, and this time

it wasn't conflicted
feelings about my parents.

What was it then?

I was burying my faecal matter.

Well that's a much more
plausible explanation.

We have to save the
planet, and I don't like

to use more water than
is necessary, you know?

That's why I wear the gloves.

That's very thoughtful of you.

If you don't believe me,
we can dig it up together.

No, we're good.

My man.

I knew we would connect and
I think it's starting Terry.

Okay, time for a run.

Weird.

Very weird he was, write that down.

-Chad is very weird.
- Very.

Well with insights like that

we should have this wrapped by lunch time.

Chad, you forgot your pants.

Shh, Terry let him run in peace.

Sometimes you just gotta let
the air get to it, you know?

I do, yeah.

Gemma, can we focus please?

He's just thrown a phone in the water.

That's what I was looking at, him throwing

his phone away while no
clothes covered his body.

Come on lets try this way.

Gemma also acting very weird.

Oh my God.

Ah, if you're looking for

the internet, there's none today.

I've been trying for an hour
or so but nothing's come up.

Ironically.

Back to the Caravan?

Yeah.

Darren behaving as expected.

Your mom was saying to
me the other day that

I smother you Phil, I don't let
you make your own decisions.

I said no, listen, listen to me Brenda.

Hear my words Brenda.

We don't have separate decisions, do we?

We're a couple, we have joint decisions.

So he don't need decisions
of his own, do you babe?

This is Chad's caravan.

Ooh the door's open.

No.

We should go in and have a look around.

It'd be good to rule him out.

I'm starting to feel like

the lesser half of this partnership.

Like Dr. Watson or the
big one with the crankies.

See, there's nothing here.

that don't do possessions.

I mean I do that but not out
of Charlie's because I'm skint.

What's this then?

And I think we found our murder weapon.

Yeah but nobody's been shot, yet.

It's a gun Terry, a gun.

Are you tryna say that a secret
gun hiding away isn't dodgy?

I'm gonna agree with
anything you're saying

to me while you're pointing
that at me, aren't I?

-Pew.
- Don't Pew.

Can I take that off you?

I think it's going to your head.

There's a map as well

That puts him near to Leeds airport.

Avoiding all the major roads.

He's gonna walk to Leeds once
he's finished the killings

and then catch a flight
back to the states?

Hands up, don't move.

and keep your
hands where we can see them.

Give me an , ow.

Watch where you're pointing at you idiot.

We found dead bodies, a hidden weapon

and an escape map to Leeds.

I think the police are
gonna be very interested

in talking to you Chad.

Wait, no police, guys, please.

Actually, no police Gemma, remember.

All right, until they get here,

we're gonna interrogate you, huh?

Are we?

Have we done that before?

Can we just have a minute Chad?

Sure, take your time.

Terry, a word.

Terry...

Oh, thank you, sorry about that.

Just make yourself at home.

Right, this is our first interrogation.

Do you wanna go good cop or bad cop?

-I think I should-
- Good cop, yeah.

You should definitely be good cop.

Then I can be the bad girl, breaking balls

and getting answers.

Maybe I should spank him?

Is that allowed?

Not by law.

Not by the boundaries of our relationship.

Maybe I should strip him naked.

Why?

To make him vulnerable, so
I can bend him to my will.

You know, I think when the
police do eventually arrive

they're gonna have more questions

for those that are in here.

Guys, I can totally hear you.

Right, I'm definitely bad copping it.

Just back me up.

How do I good copping it?

Just stand there and smile sweet cheeks.

Stand there and smile.

Oh, oh you're in deep
doodoo you are, deep.

If you give me a second
I can clear this up.

Yeah?

Well you'd better start talking then.

Get those pretty little lips
to start spilling the dirt.

Or you're gonna be doing some hard time.

Courtesy of the Bremers.

Don't call us that.

Please Gemma, this is embarrassing.

Look, I'm not the guy you're after.

I'm not innocent, but I
haven't killed anyone here.

Oh really?

So where have you killed
people then, Chad?

Scunthorpe.

Scunthorpe?

Why you look here, listen, hear my words.

I am a woman close to breaking point

and I'm telling you to let us go.

My husband is gonna kick right off.

One word from me and he will listen.

He will hear my words and

he will go loco down in
Acapulco all over your ass.

Right, you've asked for it,

go on Phil, kick off,
kick right bloody off, go.

Go please go.

Can you kill her first?

Just so I can have 10 seconds
of peace before I die.

Yo, Phil?

Bye Penny.

No Phil.

Crack on.

Phil,.

So look, I am a contract killer guys.

Stop smiling, we're not doing that now.

Oh, sorry.

I work for the Santino
family out in Chicago.

And one of the family,

a guy called Joey the Prawn turned rat

and was gonna testify
against the Santinos.

So the D.A. flew him to the UK and hid him

in Scunthorpe instead of keeping him

in jail until the trial.

But I've completed my
task and now he's gone.

I only hunt the guilty and it's important

that you guys know that.

Joey the Prawn knows that now.

So, Joey the Prawn sleeps with the fishes?

No, I sliced him up and
buried parts of him while

I hiked to the caravan park.

So where did you bury the rest?

Everywhere.

His lungs are in Grimsby, his
head is somewhere near York

and I left his heart in...

San Francisco.

No, Hull, but I appreciate

what you were trying to do there.

At the creek, you saw me burying
the last of him, his toes.

But why are you telling us all this Chad?

Because you were gonna tell
the police about me anyway.

I figured that now you
know I'm not the killer,

we can all focus on finding
out who it really is, together.

So like, Bremer, Draper and...

What was your surname?

Oh if I told you my real name

I'd really have to kill you then.

Fine, So it's Bremer, Draper and friend.

See Terry, I told you we'd be friends.

Aw guys.

So, how do you know
once the police get here

that we won't tell them about you?

Because Terry, when the cops do get here,

I'm gonna disappear, but I'll be watching.

And if I even think
you're about to cross me,

I'll get you in a very dark
room and hurt you in ways

the devil himself couldn't dream up.

I'll be keeping my mouth shut then.

You should.

Because if you don't,
I'll sew your mouth closed

then kick you in the balls.

Do you smell that?

It's fear, and it's mine.

No, it's gas.

It's coming from out this caravan.

Terry, can you lift me up so
I can see if they're in there?

Well shouldn't we be running away?

Terry, we haven't got time.

Oh no Wendy's in there.

It's a caravan, it's
hardly made of titanium.

I was about to do that.

I don't feel very well

Come and sit down.

Sit down.

What's going on?

They've got caravans to spruce.

Save someone save Clive.

Gas?

Oh turn it off.

I'm so sorry Edna.

No Clive.

Terry do something.

Although I only knew him for
a very short time, Clive was

a lovely tortoise, and devoted husband.

No, help him, give him
mouth to mouth or something.

-I don't know how-
- Terry.

This is the worst day of my entire life.

Just keep blowing.

Go on.

No tongues, it's ungodly.

Oh God it bit my tongue.

Come here.

You just saved an actual life.

No, no, no, no, no.

After you brush your teeth
at least a million times.

What is she talking about?

I think she's in shock.

Look, have you got anything
that can calm her down?

I've got some pills in the
caravan for when Terry snores

and when he starts
talking about the wedding.

They should help her zone out.

I mean, they work for me.

I'll be back in a sec.

Gemma, you're not going out by yourself.

There's no time, she needs help.

Anyway what's the worst that could happen?

I was supposed to be planning
the happiest day of my life.

So far I've been touched
with dead woman hands,

and I've tongued a tortoise.

Now we're drugging up an old woman.

Oh booger,.

Gemma, where are you?

Gemma?

Gemma.

Gemma.

Gemma?

Gem, Gem pop?

Darren you slimy little toad.

Gemma?

Gemma?

What's with you?

Darren did it.

Terry look out.

She's mine Terry, she always has been.

What did you do that for?

Just be glad I didn't sew
your mouth shut first.

I did it for Neal, and
for Mary, and for Clive.

Oh yeah, sorry love.

And for kidnapping 90's Gemma.

Now we've got to deal with this little rat

who killed two people and
very nearly killed a tortoise.

Which may or may not have a man in it.

I haven't killed anyone.

Yeah, tell that to the police

when they eventually paddle here.

Oh wait until I show them
your little shrine to Gemma.

They'll see what a psycho you are.

You got a shrine?

To me?

Gemma come on, I've never
forgotten you, how could I have?

I've followed your life every
single day since you left.

You've been following me?

See, stalker.

I'm lying obviously.

You might have blocked me on Facebook,

but you didn't block Kate McClusky.

The art owner?

Yeah.

From Jacksonville Tennessee
who likes my red hair?

Or Buck Buckman.

Buck Buckman's a billionaire
with 12 avocado farms

who thinks I've got the smile of an angel.

Yeah.

I think I can see how he got around

your stringent security systems Gem.

Look, I might be slightly obsessed

but I haven't killed anyone.

I think I know who has though.

I was looking through the CCTV tapes,

I saw this figure, right?

Now, it looked a lot like-

A phantom ball.

It's empty.

Darren, are you all right?

Yes.

I mean, no.

Terry, he's reloaded it
he's aiming it towards me.

Quick.

Don't worry Gemma, I'm coming.

Oh God my ribs.

Which ones?

All of them, even the ones in my leg.

Oh no, no, no, no, he's getting away.

Jerry, he's getting away.

Terry...

Maybe we'll get him later
my little hero, yeah.

Oh Terry, you're dribbling on my shoes.

They're new, ruined.

So what do we know?

Less and less, as time goes by.

Thank you Edna.

What we do know, is that Jed-

I like Jed, he's nice.

Clive likes him as well,

he gives him cucumber ends.

And Evie-

All fur coat, no knickers.

Don't want to sell the park.

Now Neal-

Too posh for your chips.

And Mary-

Ever so plain.

Which is somehow worse
than being ugly ain't it?

Have found this rare bird
that would have made it

into a nature reserve.

Meaning the land couldn't be turned

into a theme park anyway.

Hello everyone, I thought
you might be hungry.

Here's some ragout that survived.

Oh thanks Susan, I don't
think Terry can stomach it.

He's in pain.

Let's see.

Susan, we forgot about Susan.

She couldn't mastermind a
series of killings love.

She can't even master the blender.

She's right, zapped my hair off twice.

Hang on.

That's penny's heart pendant,
what's it doing in there?

Oh my God Terry.

They're in there, all right.

I can strain them out but it'll still have

the flavour of them.

We can track some salt
in, but it's gonna be hard

to forget that it's made of people.

Oh God.

Oh God I'm gonna throw up.

It doesn't make me feel any better.

The air is thick with spirit
moving on to the next world.

Souls colliding and clamouring for peace.

And all in a tangy, garlicky sauce.

Thank you for sharing.

Right, the killer wants us
to wander off on our own.

Then he can pick us off while we're alone.

It's what they do.

But this has gone on long enough.

We need to make a break for it, yeah?

Now that coach out there, it
gets about a mile down the road

before it breathes it's last.

But at least we'll be
cleared of this place.

Now come on.

You can go if you want to,
I'm staying right here.

I'm not gonna be chased
out of my own park.

And if I lost this place,
id have nothing to live for.

Well that makes me feel very special Jed.

Look, whoever wants us off
this park is gonna kill us all.

It could be H from bloody
Steps for all I know.

He's sending us a
message, we need to leave, now.

Just sell him the park
if that's what he wants.

But know this, you can't stay here

and be with me at the same time.

Okay, I'll open the coach
doors, you grab Edna.

Hands where I can see them.

I want no slap and tickle.

Starting to think I hurt the wrong person.

What's it gonna be Jed?

Please Jed, you have to come
with us or you'll die, alone.

And then what's it all been for?

Come on, we'll get on board

and I'll labour it till
there's nothing left.

Terry, there's a funny smell on the coach.

Have you left a pair of
socks in there somewhere?

It stinks.

There she goes, attacking
my dignity one more time.

Gemma?

Leave it, Leave it Terry.

I've gotta save her.

She's gone.

No one could survive that, trust me.

I've done this sort of thing myself,

you don't want to see
what's happened to her.

Gemma.

Gemma, Gemma.

Look on the bright side,
you'll definitely get

all your deposits back
on your wedding bookings.

Well, if one of you dies they don't have

the nerve to charge you for it.

I don't think Terry
needs to trouble himself

with that kinda stuff right now.

Oh?

♪ You light the skies up above me ♪

Hi, I'm Gemma, you must
be Terry the new driver.

♪ A star so bright, you blind me ♪

♪ Don't close your eyes, don't
fade away, don't fade away ♪

♪ Here you and me we can ride on a star ♪

♪ If you stay with me girl ♪

♪ We can rule the world ♪

♪ Here you and me we
can light up the sky ♪

♪ If you stay by my side,
we can rule the world ♪

It's all gone now, everything.

My entire life.

Oh of course, you've lost your
coach as well haven't you?

The coach.

♪ Here you and me we
can light up the sky ♪

♪ If you stay with me girl,
we can rule the world ♪

♪ Yeah you and me we
can light up the sky ♪

♪ If you stay by my side,
we can rule the world ♪

♪ All the stars are coming out tonight ♪

♪ They're lighting up the sky
tonight for you, for you ♪

Terry?

Terry.

Sorry I was a million miles away.

Evie was telling us she has a plan.

Well, I was talking to Jed, and we think

we should all just lock down in here

and wait for the cavalry.

I mean all the doors and
windows are steel shutters.

We had them put in when
Jed was on watchdog

for getting the children to make trainers

and selling it as a craft experience.

They're very strong.

They had bricks and all
sorts thrown at them.

We'll be safe

As you were, then.

Might be time for me to
get out of here, man.

Not overly keen on getting
locked in somewhere waiting

and waiting for the cops.

Do you not want to know where
the killer is before you go?

Do you know?

Yeah, just figured it out.

I should have been planning my wedding,

but instead I've been touched
by a hand that's touched

a dead woman, I've watched
the love of my life blown up

on the second love of my life.

And nearly swallowed her tortoise.

But you will, you know, be
kind in your online review?

Oh Jed, by far the slippiest,
most shady operator

I've ever come across.

You had an offer on the park
to buy you out, didn't you?

But you were stuck with
Edna as a permanent resident

so you couldn't sell and
get your dirty little hands

on all that money.

I would never sell this park Terry.

You're forgetting it was me
that invited Neil and Mary

to look for that sterling bird,

to make this place into a nature reserve.

All that was to block H
from Steps even trying

to buy my park.

He's right Terry, Jed loves this place.

What about Chad?

Chad just doesn't seem the type, does he?

You can just tell sometimes.

Thank Goodness for that.

Not sure what I would have done

if you'd pointed the finger at me.

No, finger pointed firmly elsewhere.

Well, who then?

Is it me?

The fact that you're asking the question

is the biggest clue that you're innocent.

What killer tries to gas
themselves in their own caravan?

Well it can't be Susan, because she's...

She's...

I can't think of a polite way to put it.

-She's-
- Odd, I'm odd.

Always have been.

My mother dropped me on
my head when I was a baby

and I've never been the same since.

But we're sure Susan's capable of murder.

Oh I am.

Thought about it loads.

Never found anyone who deserved it though.

You'd have to do something pretty bad.

Yeah they would, wouldn't they?

Well the police are
gonna find it pretty hard

to believe that you didn't do it.

I mean you're the chef
and you've got bodies

in your main courses.

No, but anyone could have put them there.

Yeah, but that kitchen's covered

in your fingerprints, aye?

If you're lucky, they might give you a job

in the kitchen at the prison.

I don't want to go to prison.

Unless we find out who the real killer is,

you will do Susan.

It's all over, I mean
you're gonna spend the rest

of your life in a tiny cell
for what you've done here.

It's not me, it's not me.

All the evidence points to you.

And if you didn't do it, who did?

She made me do it.

Who, love?

The murderer, Evie.

Who hated the customers who
didn't want the bar full

of unkempt toppingses when
the bird watchers came.

You dreamt of a better life,
and you killed my Gemma.

Yes, it's Evie, it's Evie.

Well done Mr. Coach driver.

I was right?

I was right?

First time ever?

Oh Gemma, you'd have
bloody loved this girl.

Evie, what's going on love?

Evie wants to sell the park.

But Evie, you love this place.

Do I, Jed?

Common little people
coming back year after year

always winging, ooh look
the colour on my caravan

is different than the one in the brochure.

Oh, I've got trench foot
from my puddling pool.

There's bees in my toilet.

Scum, the last of them.

I wanted something more Jed,
and I'm about to get it.

But why did we all have to die?

Well those bloody bird people had to die

to stop this place turning into a shrine

for a small ball of feathers.

And you had to die Edna.

You're our only permanent resident.

And if we tried to sell this
place and you were still here,

then id have to pay you off.

And I wouldn't make any money.

And this park is on its ass.

Nonsense, we've never been busier.

Jed, I've seen the accounts.

Well ignore me then, you just carry on.

You didn't call the police, did you?

No one's coming.

No, sorry.

And I'm sorry for lying to you all.

She said I just had to spray
paint things on the walls.

She said no one was gonna get hurt.

Promised me half the menu
when she sold this place.

I was gonna use it to open up a restaurant

and take a hygiene course,
and cookery lessons.

How on earth were you guys to convince me

to sell up, even with Edna gone?

I knew I couldn't convince you Jed.

I was gonna leave it a couple of months

and then were going in that creek.

Just one thing, Phil and Penny.

I mean why did they have to die?

Because she was rude to
me when she checked in.

Usually when guests are rude I get Susan

to break wind on their pillow,

and they leave with conjunctivitis.

I'm easily led.

Thank you.

What for?

For the full confession.

I do love it when a
killer spills her guts.

It'll make it a lot easier
for when the police get here.

Sorry Terry, I
didn't call the police.

But we have, and they're
on their way to you.

You're gonna pay for what
you did to our Gemma.

You are.

But, but there's no signal.

Oh there wasn't, Til I
turned the wifi back on.

Darren, you slimy little turd.

That's a bit naughty Terry,

I turned that wifi off for a reason.

Jed, you should have
listened to H from Steps,

cause there's about to be a fire.

A big one.

I probably deserve this.

I mean I'm gutted, but I do deserve this.

These door's our only chance.

We need something heavy
with enough momentum

to blast right through it.

Me?

Why are you grinning at me at?

Oh come on.

Just for the record, I'm
completely against this.

Like we say back home, just light

the fires and kick the tyres.

Ignore the pain, pretend
you're thunderbolt.

Well, it looks like that's it everyone.

I'm sorry your stay with us hasn't been up

to our usual high standards.

And I'm very sorry
you're all going to die.

And I'm sorry too Jed.

Bye girls, call the police tell

them everything you've seen here.

Gemma I'll see you soon, love.

Get up you knob heads.

The insurance company

are never gonna believe me this time.

Gemma, you died when that coach blew up.

No I didn't, the emergency
exit didn't shut, remember?

I told you that light on
the dashboard was right.

Terry, there's a funny smell on the coach,

have you left a pair of
socks in there somewhere?

It stinks.

So that's where I've been, out
cold for the last half hour.

She's getting away.

Hey, don't take it out
on the magical folk.

Always pays to keep a
weapon stashed somewhere.

If you think that's bad,

you should see how I got it in there.

You are all spoiling it for me.

Why didn't you just shoot her?

No one's paid me yet,

and we don't need any
more bodies around here.

She did something bad,
she ruined my ragout.

Look Terry, I am capable.

Not in the face.

Put the weapon down.

Put it down now.

Hello my loves, you took your time.

Now do you want a capper
before you arrest me?

I said put the gun down now.

Guys I think I'm gonna hit the road.

But I have to get my walking boots on.

Even though you're a cold blooded killer,

I think in that chest beats
the heart of a good man.

Bless you Gemma, but
I'm a complete psycho.

I hope she's okay

How long will it take-

How'd he do that?

I know, exciting or what?

Not as exciting as holding your hand.

The last hand I ever want to hold

Aw.

The last bloody finger
I ever want in my mouth.

Well ignoring that last
bit, that was lovely.

Come here you.

Guys, guys.

I don't wanna panic anyone

but I think I've lost a contact lens.

I'm feeling a bit blurry in one eye.

And as you can see gentlemen,
it's a lovely place.

Perfect for a theme park.

Your investment will be very safe.

I wasted my whole bloody leg for you.

It's a hovel, for all the
worst kind of low lives.

Oh, hello H from Steps.

Hey there mate, I see you
got your friends with you.

Welcome to Shady Creek,
I'm one of the managers.

Oh bugger.

Hey folks, I'm detective Sergeant-

I'm doing it, I've found them.

-Is it?
- No.

P.S. you owe these ladies
a debt of gratitude.

I think they may have saved your lives.

Did you hear that Mildred?

We caught the killer, we solved the case.

You didn't, we solved it
before you even got here.

No, it was us dear, we called the police.

Oh now, can we please go to Middlesbrough?

And you will find
everything you need in here.

Bridesmaids in order of ugliness.

You taking the mick out of me?

Here, they're the notes
from our investigation.

Investigation is it?

Who are you two, Cagney and Lacey?

No.

We're the Bremers.

♪ Watch out here I come ♪

♪ You spin me right 'round, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round like a record, baby♪

♪ Right 'round, 'round, 'round ♪

♪ You spin me right 'round, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round like a record, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round, 'round, 'round ♪

♪ You spin me right 'round, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round like a record, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round, 'round, 'round ♪

♪ You spin me right 'round, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round like a record, baby ♪

♪ Right 'round, 'round, 'round ♪