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As we all know, a certain someone
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00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,570
achieved a significant
milestone recently.
3
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,305
Keeran finally shaved that unsettling
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,306
peach fuzz off his upper lip!
5
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:09,541
- Oh!
- Wow.
6
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,210
As you can see, it's all gone!
7
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,444
- CYNTHIA: That's so much better.
- Big day!
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00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,412
- Huge day!
- Thank you, thank you.
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00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,315
What I was gonna say is
our very own Jen Hauser
10
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,184
has qualified for the upcoming Olympics!
11
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,652
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh!
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00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:21,920
[APPLAUSE]
13
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,088
CYNTHIA: Wow.
14
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,857
Feels like it got a little overshadowed,
15
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:25,995
but, uh, thank you!
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00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,459
DJ: In honour of your javelin journey,
17
00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:29,728
and to show our support here at OMT,
18
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,430
we pooled our money together, and we...
19
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,965
JEN: Oh, man, this is great.
20
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:34,933
You have no idea how
expensive it's been...
21
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,602
DJ: ...ordered this life-sized
cardboard cut-out of you!
22
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,704
Ta-dah!
23
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,439
- Wow.
- Wow!
24
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:41,840
Really could have used the cash.
25
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,276
DJ: This will serve as a
reminder to our customers
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00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,412
that our employees aren't just
riff-raff off the street...
27
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,014
Our employees are Olympians.
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00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,084
KEERAN: Jen...
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00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,817
you're what dreams are made of.
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00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,319
CYNTHIA: Jen,
we are all so proud of you.
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00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,755
DJ: Now let's put this mama
jama in a place of glory
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00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:57,923
where everyone can see, huh?
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00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,024
Yeah.
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00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:00,125
- [LOUD THUD]
- Oh!
35
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,660
- Oh my God.
- Oh.
36
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:02,761
No big deal.
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00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,563
Gonna take more than
a bump on the noggin
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00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:05,931
to keep this champion down.
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00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,099
- Ha!
- [LOUD CRASH]
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00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,835
- Oh!
- Wow.
41
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:11,937
To Jen!
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00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,706
?
43
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,619
_
44
00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:18,830
_
45
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:20,312
Is that a shot at us?
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00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:22,181
I wouldn't read too much into it.
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00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:24,595
_
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_
49
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_
50
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,093
_
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00:01:30,094 --> 00:01:31,394
_
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00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,057
Okay, that felt personal.
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00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,260
Appreciate the captions, though.
That was a nice touch.
54
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,595
No, DJ, that was a slap in our faces!
55
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,498
We can't let him get away with this!
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00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,700
CYNTHIA: We could make an
advertisement of our own.
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00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,769
I have gone over the
financial implications and...
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00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,204
No, I say
we Taylor Swift his sorry ass...
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00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,673
shoot a scathing revenge ad!
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00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,275
JEN: I'm with Wayne. Carlito wants beef?
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We take him to the slaughter.
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- Boom.
- Okay, relax, alright?
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00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,213
We're not gonna shoot a revenge ad.
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00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:58,217
I'll just go talk to Carlito
and ask him to take the ad down.
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He'll understand.
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00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,019
Carlito understand?
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00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:02,221
He hates you!
68
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,555
I know.
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00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:06,291
The man holds a grudge like
Alex Honnold holds a rock.
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00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,594
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
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00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,028
Still, I gotta at least try.
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00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,597
?
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00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:14,533
CHRIS:
Thank you for coming to Sports Dynasty.
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00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,734
Excuse me!
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00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,436
No, no, no, no, I have direct orders
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00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,171
to never let you step foot in here!
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00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,471
It's really no big deal, man.
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00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,808
I just gotta talk to
Carlito for like one minute.
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00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,576
Look, man. I don't like this either!
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00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:25,910
I'm a pacifist at heart.
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00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,046
But you already know,
Carlito has a strict...
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"No DJ policy." Yeah, I know.
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00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,017
And I already lost my
bathroom privileges
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after that dunk tank fiasco.
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00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:37,722
Man, this work environment
sounds terrible.
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00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:38,857
Why do you do it?
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00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,859
I got rent, I got bills.
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00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:43,929
Plus my son's starting hockey soon.
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00:02:44,044 --> 00:02:45,050
That ain't cheap.
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00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,465
At least you get an employee discount.
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00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,466
You'd think so, but Carlito says
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that security doesn't count,
so no discounts.
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00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,339
And no birthday acknowledgements.
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00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,074
But birthdays are what makes us human.
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That's what I said!
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00:02:58,143 --> 00:02:59,144
Here...
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00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:01,213
25% off anything at OMT.
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00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,513
Come by sometime with your son.
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00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,881
Whoa. Thank you.
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00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:05,483
CARLITO: [BACKGROUND] Don't
forget to tell your friends
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00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,618
about Sports Dynasty.
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00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:07,752
Oh-ho!
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00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,354
Well, well, well!
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00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,322
If it isn't the gap-toothed gringo.
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00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,293
I just came by to say I
saw the new commercial,
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00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,094
and I'm sure it was an accident,
107
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,430
but it seemed like you were
subliminally dissing OMT.
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00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,432
Nothing subliminal about it, son.
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Shots fired!
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Okay, we're doing this.
You wanna step in here, or...?
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00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,939
- I'd rather not.
- Smart man, Jerome.
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00:03:27,034 --> 00:03:28,039
It's actually Chris.
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00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,208
Looks like it's just you and me, payaso!
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Ha ha ha!
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00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:32,878
Can't we just let sleeping dogs lie?
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I would never forgive a dog
who did me dirty from behind!
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I didn't ask to be made manager
over you, okay?
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I've apologized like a hundred times.
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00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,919
Plus, you're doing great
here at Sports Dynasty.
120
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,990
Don't try to disarm my anger
with facts and logic, bro!
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00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,525
Maybe do a re-shoot.
Something less personal.
122
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,727
But it is personal.
123
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:54,933
And personally ruining
you would make my ano.
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Take a walk!
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Vamanos, Tyrone.
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?
127
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,675
?
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00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,143
JEN: Whoa. What is this?
129
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,546
Some sort of abstract
display for the store?
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00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,748
'Cause those are typically done,
you know, on the floor.
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00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,284
This, Jen,
is a recording booth for my podcast,
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"Formidable Failures."
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00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,553
Yeah, your booth looks
like a formidable failure.
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00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,722
That's very cute.
135
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,757
So, wait, why are you doing this here?
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Because my basement studio flooded.
137
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,893
Oh, you mean
your basement studio apartment?
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00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,195
Yes, I do. And luckily, goalie pads
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provide adequate noise cancellation.
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00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,299
I have a huge guest coming in tomorrow,
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00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,967
and this is the best I could whip up.
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Hopefully no one comes in
looking for goalie pads
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00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,204
in the meantime.
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00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,838
Yeah, and once you go to the Olympics,
145
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:37,042
- I could have you on as a guest.
- Oh, that's...
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00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,044
Ha. Ha. Ha.
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00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,578
Eh, that's good.
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00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,046
The retaliation video's on.
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KEERAN: What?
150
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,083
You heard me.
Carlito thinks he can muscle me?
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00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,385
I played puck for 13 years.
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00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,785
I got in 14 fights.
153
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:48,987
I broke a guy's collarbone once!
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Damn, DJ!
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00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,656
It was an accident.
156
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,391
I was hugging my coach after a win.
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00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,259
I didn't know he had osteoporosis;
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00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,128
I still feel terrible about it.
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00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,897
The point is, I'm capable.
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00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,166
This is gonna be the "Hit
'em up" of commercials.
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00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,701
I don't know what that means.
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00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,336
I'll show you at lunch. It's vicious.
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00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,471
Who's got a camera?
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00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,173
I got a phone.
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00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,507
Oh, terrific.
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That's why I [BLEEP] your [BLEEP]!
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00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,377
Here at One More Time sports,
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00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:14,412
we're nothing like
those big box [BLEEP],
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00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,681
those corporate greedy vultures [BLEEP]
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00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,049
who don't care about you.
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All they care about is...
[SUSTAINED BLEEPING]
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When in reality,
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00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,888
they don't even celebrate birthdays!
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What am I doing? This isn't me.
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00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,629
Yeah, I don't like this, DJ.
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00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:31,996
We can't stoop to their level.
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00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:35,300
When Sports Dynasty goes low,
we go high.
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00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:37,068
Michelle Obama.
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- Hey, Chris!
- Hi.
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00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,671
You came!
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00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,173
25% off?
182
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,541
I'd be a fool not to.
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Take five, buddy.
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00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:45,879
Uh-huh.
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00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,846
Hey, little man. I hear you play hockey.
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00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,014
Yeah.
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00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,083
Oh, we do accept
baseball and cricket bats...
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00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,118
- Mm-hm?
- But, um...
189
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,186
What is this?
190
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,521
Paint.
191
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,189
Jen, could you take
Keeran's Tuesday shift
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so he can watch the girls'
volleyball practice?
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00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,060
Blue Bird?
194
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,195
The Hawk?
195
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,329
The what?
196
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,932
[DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]
197
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,268
I thought I would never see you again!
198
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,071
Well, I busted outta the clink.
199
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,374
So, still kickin', huh?
200
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:17,976
After all these years,
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00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,945
that is all you have to say to me?
202
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,147
Well, what do you want me to say?
203
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:25,684
That you look even more
irresistible than I imagined?
204
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,685
Are you saying you imagined me?
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00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:31,623
- [LIGHTER CLICKS]
- Every goddamn day.
206
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,492
You're gonna have
to stub that stick, fella.
207
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,194
- You want a pull?
- No.
208
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:39,530
No, I haven't had a smoke
since the Lorenzo job.
209
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,466
You remember that one, don't you?
210
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,868
When we made love in the bank vault?
211
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:48,206
The only thing louder than our
beating hearts were the sirens.
212
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:52,043
I am so sorry that I never
visited you, Hawk.
213
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,246
I just couldn't bear
to see you behind bars.
214
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,516
Writing that goodbye letter
was the most excruciating thing
215
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,787
that I have ever done!
216
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,055
Did you get the polaroid
that I sent with it?
217
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,658
- I beat my meat to it every day.
- Hm!
218
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,494
I pulled enough rope
to climb El Capitan.
219
00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:10,529
Nice.
220
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,564
[GROWLING]
221
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:15,867
So, do you want cash for these, or...
222
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,335
you doin' a trade-in?
223
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,838
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Trade-in.
224
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:22,674
I ain't ready to leave this angel yet.
225
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,080
Something on your mind, Patrick?
226
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:33,251
If you're not a fan of the CCMs,
we got some Bauers, too.
227
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,287
What's the matter, Patty Cake?
228
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,355
It's just...
229
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,757
I don't know.
230
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,527
I don't really want hockey skates.
231
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:46,664
Well, you need skates to play hockey.
232
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,700
I want figure skates, papa!
233
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,568
I've always wanted figure skates...
234
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,004
but I was too afraid to ask.
235
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:58,910
Hey, never be afraid
to ask me anything, son.
236
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,780
I love you,
237
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:06,050
and I love any skates you choose.
238
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,952
Really?
239
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,140
Come here.
240
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,490
Ahh!
241
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,225
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
242
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,860
- I'm comin' in!
- Oof!
243
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,363
DJ: I hope nobody has osteoporosis!
244
00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:20,031
CHRIS: Ah...
245
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:23,334
?
246
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:26,671
?
247
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,078
Morning.
248
00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:30,875
What's goin' on in here?
249
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,844
CYNTHIA: We're famous now, DJ.
250
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,812
KEERAN:
I think it's 'cause I posted the footage
251
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:35,980
from yesterday.
252
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,882
You wha...?
That wasn't supposed to go out!
253
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:40,018
I said some terrible things
I've been trying to forget.
254
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,786
You mean like [LONG BLEEP]?
255
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,955
- Boy, you are a sponge.
- Don't worry.
256
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,490
I didn't post your rant.
257
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,892
I posted you with Chris and Patty Cake.
258
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,627
You caught that?
259
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:51,963
Whoa, people are loving it.
260
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,198
KEERAN: 2.7 million views!
261
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,300
DJ: Nice!
262
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:56,367
Wait...
263
00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:58,769
I hope Chris is okay with this.
264
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,840
What's up? No more pad pod?
265
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,109
My guest just cancelled.
266
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,444
There's no way I can replace
that calibre of failure
267
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,645
on such short notice.
268
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,047
What was so great about the guy?
269
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,582
He was the opposite of great.
270
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:11,983
Failed out of high school at 16.
271
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,652
Went back in his 70s, failed again,
272
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,787
and the stress of that
caused his marriage to...
273
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,588
...fail. He was perfect!
274
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:18,857
This must be very painful for you.
275
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,358
And I'd be getting all the details
276
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,827
if his stupid heart hadn't failed, too.
277
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:26,197
I need hockey tape now!
278
00:09:26,313 --> 00:09:27,318
What happened to you?
279
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,067
Some, like, dipshit brakes on a yellow,
280
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,002
so obviously I, like,
ram into the back of him
281
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:33,138
and I spill my pho everywhere.
This totally soaks my phone.
282
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,039
I have to go to the store to buy rice
283
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,941
so that I can try to save my phone.
While I'm in there, some asshole
284
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:39,143
rams into the back bumper.
So now I've got both bumpers of the car,
285
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,413
like, dangling like
friggin' dingleberries!
286
00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,915
I love berries!
287
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,283
Anyways, I have to fix it
soon because chauffeurs have
288
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,552
this, like, totally draconian
rule that you have to have
289
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:49,887
"both bumpers attached to your car."
290
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:50,989
It's, like, so stupid.
291
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,590
- I got this!
- Uh, so we can...
292
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,725
WAYNE: Pardon me.
293
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,760
How would you like to be
a guest on my podcast,
294
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:56,928
"Formidable Failures"?
295
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,697
We do fails and bails on an epic scale.
296
00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,864
Ew, no. Hard pass.
297
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,633
- Give you 20 bucks.
- Oh, yeah, sure, done.
298
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:02,640
Okay.
299
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,802
DJ: Hey, hey!
300
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,704
- Hey!
- There's my viral co-star.
301
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,438
- What?
- Oh, you didn't see?
302
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,774
Yeah, we posted a video of
you and Patrick buying skates
303
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:10,976
and it's blowing up.
304
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,111
I just wanted to make sure
you're okay with that.
305
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,211
That's cool.
306
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:17,048
Explains why Patty was
Mr. Popular at drop-off.
307
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,850
CARLITO:
[BACKGROUND] You bring 'em back to me.
308
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,352
See ya later, little guy. Muah!
309
00:10:21,355 --> 00:10:22,921
[BABY BABBLING]
310
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,723
I see the bargain
basement buffoon is back!
311
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,859
You better get out of my face, Carlito.
312
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:29,994
Don't tinkle in your trousers, bro.
313
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:32,864
My beef isn't with you today.
314
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,933
I thought you were
loyal to Sports Dynasty,
315
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,970
but you're nothing but
a two-timing turncoat!
316
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,271
Hey, calm down, Carlito.
317
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,606
Chris didn't do anything wrong.
318
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,941
Calm down?
319
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,943
CHRIS: See, I'm loyal. I'm very loyal.
320
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,345
Oh, you think you're funny? Funny guy?
321
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,346
No. I mean, I do enjoy comedy...
322
00:10:49,383 --> 00:10:50,548
Here's a joke!
323
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:51,749
You're fired!
324
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,017
How 'bout that?
325
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,352
DJ: Just to clarify, is that a joke?
326
00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:56,488
"Is that a joke?"
327
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:57,956
Oh, you're a funny guy too, huh?
328
00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,391
No, I'm genuinely unclear.
329
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:00,892
Well, check this out.
330
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,661
Knock knock!
331
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,562
- Who's there?
- He's fired!
332
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,964
I'm starting to think you
don't know what a joke is.
333
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,099
How 'bout this one?
334
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:11,435
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...
335
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:12,570
and he's fired!
336
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:15,973
Oh-ho, I'm so funny! Oh, snap!
337
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,475
I'm sorry, man.
338
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,385
Okay, so what kind of failure
339
00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:29,854
are we gonna be talking about today?
340
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,556
Uh, failure of democracy,
341
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,957
failure of free-market capitalism,
342
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,525
failure to launch,
343
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,060
the hit rom-com starring
Matthew McConaughey...
344
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,428
Yeah, who else was in that?
345
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,363
Uh, I think it was Sarah Jessica Parker?
346
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:42,500
That's right, you put
some goddamn respect on her name.
347
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,236
But no, it's actually far
more personal than that.
348
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:47,072
[CLEARS THROAT]
349
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,474
So, have you ever
shat your pants in public?
350
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,210
Oh my God, ew, no.
What kind of question is that?
351
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,111
- That's the ice-breaker.
- That's not an ice-breaker.
352
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,515
And no,
I've never shat my pants in public.
353
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,883
[QUIETLY] I have.
354
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,219
But... DJ has.
355
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,455
Oh? Do tell!
356
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:08,827
JEN: Whoa!
357
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:10,628
- THE HAWK: Blue Bird!
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]
358
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:11,763
You came back!
359
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,698
I knew you wanted me to.
360
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:14,966
But I can't linger.
361
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,367
Run away with me!
362
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,769
Let's hightail it outta
this whistle stop!
363
00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:20,004
Where would we go?
364
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,240
Wherever the wind blows us, baby.
365
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,642
Maybe Mexico.
366
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:25,977
Probably Winnipeg.
367
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,379
But... I'm not that person anymore.
368
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,182
I... I have a job and a loving family.
369
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,517
Ooh...
370
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:35,386
You see, that sounds like a
whole lot of commitment, sugar.
371
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,656
Now, imagine
burning it all to the ground!
372
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,258
Doesn't that make your spine tingle?
373
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,659
Oh, it makes something tingle.
374
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,994
- [GROWLS]
- But, I-I can't.
375
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,063
- Hmm?
- I found God.
376
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,531
Good for you.
377
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,002
The only thing I found
was a shiv in my kidney.
378
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,537
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]
- Oh!
379
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,940
Oh... blue bird! You kept it!
380
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,809
How could I not?
381
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:01,479
Please don't hate me, but...
382
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:02,747
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
383
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,617
Oh, you lengthened the wings
and shortened the beak.
384
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,920
I couldn't handle the sight of a hawk...
385
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,055
so I made it a falcon.
386
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,224
I'll be back at 3.
387
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:16,827
If you ever loved me,
you'll be ready to go.
388
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,497
But my shift ends at 4!
389
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,165
Well...
390
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,334
I wanna avoid rush hour.
391
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,169
Oh.
392
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,306
?
393
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:32,510
?
394
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,579
No one else is getting this, huh?
395
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:37,248
CHRIS:
I can't thank you enough for this job.
396
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:40,451
My aversion to conflict ends today.
397
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,122
I will be the best damn
security guard OMT has ever had.
398
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,457
Well, you'll be the only one
we've ever had.
399
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,792
For real?
400
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:50,128
I'm kind of against security
guards on a philosophical level,
401
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,931
but, uh, if I'm gonna
renounce my core belief,
402
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:56,200
I'm happy it's for a great guy like you.
403
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,869
[QUIETLY] We got this.
404
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,005
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
405
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,472
I believe in you.
406
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,308
[LOUDLY] Hey!
407
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,542
Receipt!
408
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,511
You're the nice man from the video.
409
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,612
CHRIS: That's right,
410
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,814
and if this sticky-fingered
sonofabitch don't show me
411
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,282
his receipt right now,
412
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,218
nice guy from the video
'bout to snap his neck off!
413
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,153
Chris, you don't really
have to do that...
414
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:18,289
I got you, man.
415
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,458
NAT: This other time,
he's trying to impress a girl,
416
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,793
- so he's popping a wheelie on his bike.
- Uh-huh?
417
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,739
Falls off. Immediate skull fracture.
418
00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:26,563
- Ah!
- [LAUGHTER]
419
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,100
This other time,
he got locked in a bathroom stall
420
00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:33,304
for 24 hours and he had to
drink toilet water to survive.
421
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:34,772
[LAUGHS]
422
00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:37,441
I mean, you could live
without water for three days.
423
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,911
- I know, he didn't need to!
- [LAUGHTER]
424
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,380
It's actually hurting! Oof.
425
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,781
Okay...
426
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,384
But let's get down to his
biggest failure of all,
427
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,985
going from playing pro hockey
428
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,921
to managing a used sporting goods store
429
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,789
in his hometown of Korverton, Ontario.
430
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,258
That's pretty pathetic. [LAUGHS]
431
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,560
What do we think happened there?
432
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,897
I'm sorry,
what did you just say about my brother?
433
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:01,466
I, uh... what?
434
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,836
Who the hell do you think you are?
435
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,037
[QUIETLY] I'm Wayne.
436
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,206
You must be as dumb as you
look if you seriously think
437
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,276
that I'm gonna let some
part-time OMT lifer
438
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,878
diss my big bro like that.
439
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:15,279
[QUIETLY] I'm actually full-time.
440
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,616
I mean, what is missing from
your pathetic, lonely life
441
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:22,286
that you reap so much pleasure
from other people's pain?
442
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,161
This week's sponsor is Email Rat.
443
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:33,297
Uh, give an email to a rat.
444
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,169
You stealin' hand pumps?
445
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,437
That's my puffer!
446
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,173
Then next time declare
it before you enter
447
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,375
to avoid confusion!
448
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,380
I... This is why we conduct interviews.
449
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,116
And, oh, I don't know, check references!
450
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:54,118
Come on, it's not that bad.
451
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:57,188
CHRIS: Now who's just browsing?!
452
00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:01,158
Yeah...
the forcible confinement's a bit much.
453
00:16:07,699 --> 00:16:10,001
There's no easy way to say this,
454
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,203
but this security guard thing
isn't quite working out.
455
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:13,671
What...? How so?
456
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,741
Well, for one, people don't
want to shop in a police state.
457
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,210
And also,
that tape you used to tie that guy up
458
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,345
could have ripped the
hair right out of his arm.
459
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,480
I couldn't have done this
much longer, anyway.
460
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:27,684
That level of aggression
is spiritually draining.
461
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:28,886
I bet.
462
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:32,290
FYI, that tape
wouldn't have done any damage.
463
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:36,560
Clarke brand hockey tape
doesn't adhere to human skin.
464
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,629
It's one of their selling features.
465
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:39,964
Huh, good to know.
466
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,232
Anyway...
467
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,367
I'll bounce back!
468
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:48,272
Like Mario Lemieux when he was
out with Hodgkin's lymphoma,
469
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,977
then returned and still
won the scoring title!
470
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,745
What an inspiration.
471
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:55,979
Well...
472
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,548
So long.
473
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,255
I'm taking these.
Just put 'em on my tab.
474
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:07,658
WAYNE: Hey, Nat. May I have a word?
475
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,993
[SIGHS] Sure.
476
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,461
Yeah, I just want to thank you.
477
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:13,397
You know, you really got me thinking
about my own shortcomings,
478
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,799
and how the glee I take
in other people's pain
479
00:17:14,888 --> 00:17:17,268
is really just stemming from
unexamined childhood trauma...
480
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:18,469
Yeah, obviously.
481
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,671
So from now on, I vow to turn the lens
482
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,474
away from strangers
and onto myself instead.
483
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,476
Well, that's very mature of you.
484
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,678
- Well, all the best.
- CUSTOMER: I didn't get it?
485
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,047
But being a fine dining
waiter is my calling!
486
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,091
Ow!
487
00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:32,216
[BOXES CRASHING]
488
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,418
CUSTOMER: Don't hang up!
489
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,352
[LAUGHS]
490
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,754
Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
491
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,155
Geez, gosh, I hope he's not hurt.
492
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,523
[STICKS RATTLING]
493
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:43,494
Those sticks sure are a hazard.
494
00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:44,962
CUSTOMER: Are you still there? Hello?
495
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,564
Ah...
496
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,300
Okay, yeah, you know what?
Just, you do you, dude.
497
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,305
- Go, go.
- Oh-ho!
498
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,202
We've got a Wayne on the street segment
499
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,805
with "Formidable Failures"
with a daily dose of schadenfreude.
500
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:57,508
Scale of 1 to 10,
how is your shame right now?
501
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,576
- Huh?
- Oh, and he's a wordsmith too!
502
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:00,711
My goodness!
503
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,448
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
504
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,151
CHRIS: [ECHOING VOICE]
Still won the scoring title!
505
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,954
Doesn't adhere to human skin...
506
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:12,323
CARLITO:
[ECHOING VOICE] A priest and a rabbi
507
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:16,026
walk into a bar...
508
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:18,930
DJ: Chris, wait!
509
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:20,898
You take that shirt off.
510
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,432
What?
511
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,471
And put this on.
512
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,840
- What?
- You are not a security guard.
513
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:30,975
That much we know.
514
00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:33,410
But your positive attitude
and your sports knowledge
515
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,347
make you a natural sales associate.
516
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:39,550
- Welcome to the OMT squad.
- Huh!
517
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,620
- This has been a roller coaster of a day.
- Yeah.
518
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,555
Oh, hey, Cynth. I re-hired Chris.
519
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:45,657
I know I should have run it
by you first, but...
520
00:18:45,697 --> 00:18:47,290
Great, whatever!
521
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,328
JEN: Oh, come on!
522
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,964
What's it gonna be, Blue Bird?
523
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:54,231
It is a resounding...
524
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,300
SWAT 1: On your knees, The Hawk!
525
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,268
[GASPS AND SCREAMS]
526
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,071
THE HAWK: Gah, impossible!
527
00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:01,338
How did you find me?
528
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,640
SWAT 1: Our cyber team spotted you
529
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,508
in the deep background of a viral video.
530
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,243
I can't believe you recognized me!
531
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,645
SWAT 1:
I never forget the juicy booty of an ex.
532
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,114
Is someone shooting a movie here?
533
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,882
Shut up, this is the best part!
534
00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,952
Little Sparrow! My Medellin mistress!
535
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,320
[SIGHS]
536
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,256
THE HAWK:
How could you have betrayed me?
537
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,523
I was desperately in love with you.
538
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,525
- Oh!
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]
539
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,961
THE HAWK: I had to keep my options open,
Blue Bird.
540
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,463
- Are you Blue Bird?
- I thought you were Blue Bird!
541
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,599
I would have done
anything for you, Hawk...
542
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,401
until I found out you'd
been cheating on me
543
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:31,802
with my twin sister!
544
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:35,172
- [ALL GASP]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
545
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:36,540
Hummingbird?!
546
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,008
How could this be?
547
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:39,376
That was a twist!
548
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:42,412
- Cuff him.
- [ALL EXCLAIMING]
549
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,248
Run away with me!
550
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:47,218
I pleasure myself to you every day,
both of you!
551
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:48,619
All of you!
552
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,487
[IN DISTANCE] Por favor...
553
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:57,828
What the hell was that all about?
554
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,330
What was what about?
555
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:07,371
NARRATOR: [VIDEO] The majestic
hawk soars through the air,
556
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:08,972
revelling in its freedom as it...
557
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,842
- Crazy day, huh?
- Yeah!
558
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:15,446
It's not every day the SWAT
team busts a handsome whack job
559
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,514
going on about... insects.
560
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,249
- I think it was birds.
- Oh, was it?
561
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:21,485
I... I don't know. Hmm!
562
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,354
- You okay?
- Yeah!
563
00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:26,724
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good!
564
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:27,958
Thanks.
565
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,726
Okay.
566
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:30,928
DJ?
567
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,129
Yeah?
568
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:35,532
Do you ever wonder if
you made the safe choice
569
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:38,402
as opposed to the right choice?
570
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,604
I assure you, Cynthia,
571
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,539
you made the right choice.
572
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,480
NARRATOR: [VIDEO] ...and potential.
573
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,148
[HAWK SHRIEKING]
574
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:54,151
NARRATOR: But even the hawk
is not without its predators.
575
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,886
[EAGLE CALLS]
576
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,455
NARRATOR: In one arresting swoop,
577
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,489
the eagle descends upon the hawk,
578
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,025
tearing its heart out of its chest.
579
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:02,426
[BONES CRUNCHING]
580
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:07,364
NARRATOR: As always,
mother nature be wilin'.
581
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,599
Hm!
582
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:11,302
?
583
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:14,238
?
584
00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:17,174
?
585
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:20,978
?
586
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:23,914
?
587
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:26,984
?
588
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:30,654
?
589
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,858
?
590
00:21:33,908 --> 00:21:38,458
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