Original subtitles

[Indian theme music plays]

[in Bengali] What are you thinking about sitting all alone in the college garden?

Nothing.

If you didn't go to class either, how are you meant to help me?

Look! Here comes Professor William Hastie.

[in English] Good afternoon, Professor.

Good afternoon, Narendranath.

I didn't see you in class today.

Sorry, Professor.

It was a vital class.

We read "The Excursion" by William Wordsworth.

"I wandered lonely as a cloud."

"Exactly, I wandered lonely as a cloud."

And then the next thing I'm going to say, which I've completely forgotten.

[laughter]

[James] Let's continue with this in 19 minutes or so.

Once I've got my lines sorted.

Can I pick up from there? Okay?

In the meantime, on with the show.

And by the show, I mean our Indian travelogue show.

Not this show. Although this show does appear in our show.

Is it any good or is it absolutely terrible?

No problem.

[James] Enjoy the titles.

[opening Indian theme music plays]

[James] The last leg of our journey begins in a very different part of India.

The foothills of the Himalayas.

I am on my way to Darjeeling,

where the British used to come in the 19th century

to escape the car horns and auto rickshaws of Delhi and the like.

I'm not quite there yet, though.

I'm first going to wander into the nearby town of Ghum

and meet up with an old friend.

I've already travelled a couple of thousand miles

across the country from West to East.

Now, I'm also North.

-[car horns honk] -Ah, the tranquillity of the foothills.

[horns beep]

Very, very little horn beeping.

[James] Back in the early 1800s, the cool mountain air

was a tonic for the British.

Who, of course, colonised the place.

This time around, my Mumbai guide Aditi

is joining me to make sure we don't do it again.

-Namaste. -Namaste.

It is colder than a witch's teat.

Yeah, 'cause it's not 32 degrees, is it? It's balmy, isn't it, chaps?

Yes. Lovely day. Lovely spring day in England.

Oh, look at your rubbing it in.

[horn blowing]

[James] Oh, it's a train!

It is a train. Because I was about to say, would you--

-[train honks] -[Aditi laughs]

...for a ride on the train.

-Let's go! -Which is what I had--

[extended train honk]

[Aditi laughs]

-But not one like that, we are-- -[horn honks]

[chucking] Let's get on the train.

[James] What I was trying to explain,

is that we're travelling to Darjeeling on the Himalayan Steam Railway,

-which has been chugging away since 18-- -[train whistle]

[sighs] Whatever.

Look at the engine, though. Look at the engine.

That's number 806 B-Class, built in 1928

[Aditi] How do you know that?

[James] And of course, my train facts have been impressing girls since 1976.

The red handle is the brake

and there will be a regulator and steam cut off.

So the regulator opens the flow of steam, effectively.

[Aditi] This is like a physics lesson I didn't sign up for.

I know you didn't sign up for it but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

[steam hissing]

[James] Oh, we're off.

It's fantastic.

-[train whistles] -[upbeat music plays]

The railway was built by the British

to get tea down from the mountains.

A descent of 7,000 feet.

The railway originally didn't have any locomotives,

it was pulled by horses, and I think elephants in the monsoon.

[Aditi] Man, you Brits will go anywhere for a cup of tea.

[James] Here, traffic doesn't wait for the train,

the train waits for traffic.

Which is handy for buying snacks

Sir.

Can we have two bananas, please?

Fantastic. Dhanyavad.

This is the coolest thing I've ever done on a train.

Do you want anything else? Do you want some garlic or okra?

[train whistles and chugs]

[Aditi] Going past someone's house.

-Imaging having this happen-- -[train whistles]

-...every 40 minutes past your house. -[whistles continues]

[James] Is it really sad if I say I'd love it

if this train went past my house every day?

[Aditi] Yeah.

[James] Our destination is Darjeeling,

where the steep streets are a challenge

even for people with buns of steel, like me.

Bloody hell.

[Aditi] "Darjeeling, world's nicest place."

[James] The world's nicest place.

I like that.

-[horn honks] -[James] To give our ears a rest

from all the honking,

we're heading for a place of perfect peace.

Buddhists are very small. As a general rule.

Buddhists, who aren't really small,

they're just small next to their massive statues,

make up around a quarter of Darjeeling's population.

It's so quiet.

[Aditi] Do you know about the prayer flags?

I never know what they mean.

Oh, I do know what they mean because I just read it in my notes

-that are in my back pocket. -Oh, nice.

[James] And apparently, the prayers on the flags

are caught by the wind when they flutter

and they're carried away to spread goodwill and peace amongst humankind.

[Aditi] That's so noble.

-[James] It is quite nice, isn't it? -[Aditi] Yeah.

'Cause otherwise, everything else is about taking stuff up to God.

This one's more like... it's for everyone.

It's pretty cool.

-Well, it is if you're downwind. -[laughs] Yeah.

[James] If you're over there, it's tough shit.

[Buddhists chanting]

[James] The interior is less quiet.

It's certainly not dull.

And it seems to have a sponsorship deal.

What is the significance of the bottles of coke?

[Aditi] It's an offering, kind of sweet offering.

Look at that, the trident,

-with all the heads of the baddies. -[James] Yes.

-That's Grizzly. -[Aditi] Yeah.

[James] I'd have been scared when I was a child if I'd seen this.

Jesus hanging out on a cross,

-bleeding from everywhere, is terrifying. -Oh, yeah.

My big sister was terrified of Jesus.

'Cause she thought he was under the bed.

That's a weird place.

Yeah, because someone said, "Jesus is everywhere."

And she was only six so she thought, "Well, he's under the bed then".

[horns blowing]

End of discussion.

[cymbals clink and horns continue]

[horns grow louder]

[James] Our peace and quiet ends with the cola klaxon.

It's not a drill, it's the real thing,

and we head off to buy the world a nice cup of tea instead.

Well, they're pleases we're going.

Meanwhile, back in the UK--

No, not really, this is still Darjeeling.

What started as a hilltop resort for sweaty Brits to escape Indian summers,

is now a sort of 1930s-style Little England.

Much loved by Indian tourists.

-[clock chimes] -So that's the Big Ben chimes from London.

-[Aditi] Ooh! -[James] It's one of our great exports.

[Aditi laughs]

[James] And it's wrong. The clock is wrong.

It shouldn't be chiming yet. British rubbish.

[Aditi] It feels like the air is different, you know?

Just look at it. The weather is gorgeous all the time.

No it's not, it's British, it keeps going over grey and rainy.

Of course you don't appreciate it, 'cause you live in it.

[James] I mean I like it, it's not quite India.

Everyone has to be like in a saree and doing...

[vocalizes] Made in India...

No, no, no, not that,

but I think if you're gonna come to India as a British person

you've to go and lie down and let it give you a proper kicking.

Fair.

[James] Now that Aditi's revealed herself as a secret Anglophile,

we're going full immersion.

Here we are.

This is where I'm taking you for a slap-up breakfast, as we would say.

What's a slap-up breakfast?

I would like non-violence.

I've ordered you a full English breakfast.

We'll see how authentic it is.

What is the origin of the English breakfast?

Oh, I don't really know. Erm...

[crew member] It's French.

-Is it French? -[laughter]

I suppose pork was a readily available meat,

and you can eat the whole animal, use the blood to make the black pudding,

-turn his belly into bacon... -[Aditi] Yeah.

I wanted to know this.

Someone told me, that calamari was actually...

Pigs' buttholes?

[wheezing laugher]

-[laughing] Pigs' buttholes. -[Aditi] I was like, I...

I haven't been able to order calamari ever since.

[wheezing laughter]

I think we actually stop about three millimetres short of its anus.

We don't turn it into a seafood.

[laughter]

-Like, you know what-- -[James] What do you think oysters are?

Is that like a dolphin's ejaculate or something?

[laughter]

What a strange mind you have.

Oh, Lord Jesus.

[James snickers] Thank you.

[Aditi] I'm gonna die.

That's a cartoonified full English breakfast.

[Aditi] It's pretty looking though.

-Oh, this is not bad. -[James] It's all right, isn't it?

So we've some British architecture.

some very old British technology on the train,

you've had the height of British cuisine.

Would you like me to take you a...

an Indian, but undoubtedly rather British inspired,

evening of heavy metal?

Could you repeat that?

[screams]

[heavy metal music plays]

[James] Darjeeling is the Indian capital of very noisy music.

[Aditi exclaiming]

[James] One of its biggest bands is Mantra,

who have pioneered an Indo-Nepali-rock sound.

[flute playing]

Flute! Love that flute.

This thriving metal scene is another British hangover.

Thank you very much.

[cheering]

[James] And speaking of hangovers...

It's excellent

-but I'm afraid Aditi's pissed. -[man] I hope you guys are having fun.

-[cheering] -Yeah!

[vocalist] Are you ready for this one?

Whoo!

[song playing]

[James] Oh, I know this one.

♪ Had a scone and no car loan ♪

♪ Anna Norgay, lompy, lompy, lo ♪

♪ Gorgonzola, go, yeah ♪

[song continues]

[James] One, two, three, four!

[all cheering]

[Aditi shouting] We love you!

[James] Whoo!

-Dum! There you go. -[music stops]

[all cheering]

[James] After the gig, we meet lead guitarist Praggya and vocalist Bhaskar

to conduct a professional interview while trying not to appear absolutely trolleyed.

What an incredible time. Like, you guys are rocking.

Thank you so much.

What is it about places like Darjeeling

and, like, Western rock music?

[Bhaskar] After independence,

there were a lot of teachers from the UK who were still here.

So they also introduced me to a lot of, like, Elvis, Beatles and all.

Van Halen, Whitesnake, White Lion, Iron Maiden. Big names, of course.

Did you listen to Deep Purple?

-[Praggya] Of course. -[Bhaskar] Exactly.

I think that was the first riff I learned, you know?

"Smoke on the Water." [vocalizes]

[James] Yeah. [vocalizes]

-It sounds gorgeous. -We were enjoying the flute bit

because it's no different from The Beatles using a sitar.

-It's all sort of multicultural and great. -[Bhaskar] Yeah.

Darjeeling is like a...

how to say, it's a very, very cosmopolitan place.

We all live together in harmony.

That's interesting. H. G. Wells, the writer,

he said the future of-- the future of nations is humanity.

Maybe the future of nations is rock and roll. D'you think it is?

-[laughter] -Exactly.

Very well said.

We'll leave at that because...

Basically, we've had about eight Kingfishers.

Tomorrow though, we're gonna drink tea.

[James] The next morning, we really do need a cup of tea.

Lucky we're in Darjeeling.

These hills are home to the world's highest tea slopes,

growing the world's third best tea,

after ice and Mr.

And like Champagne from Champagne,

only Darjeeling from Darjeeling is Darjeeling.

We've come to Darjeeling's Glenburn Estate

for the world's first ever India versus Britain tea-off.

So this is posh tea.

Yes, Darjeeling is always posh tea.

It's the Champagne of teas, after all.

Indeed.

Husna-Tara Prakash's family are fourth-generation chaiwalahs.

I'm guessing a Builder's is out of the question.

And you don't drink this with milk in a mug?

-Never. Never. -No.

Some people add a dash of sugar to bring out the flavour.

-But I don't think I would. -You utter peasants.

If that's you.

To get us peasants match-fit,

Husna-Tara is marching us through the tea calendar.

[Husna-Tara] All these teas come from the same bush.

Have a sniff.

So the nose is very important.

So... [sniffs] you kind of breathe in the fragrance.

[Husna-Tara] Bury your nose into it.

It was my dream to watch James May sniff bush on camera.

Oh.

Tea was invented in Yorkshire, wasn't it?

In Harrogate. Is that right?

Is that really what you've been told, James?

It came to India by very suspicious means

because there was an English botanist who snuck into China...

-Already suspicious. -...disguised as a Mandarin,

and he stole tea bushes and brought them out to India.

How do you disguise yourself as an orange? That's really...

-Try. -[Aditi laughs]

[James] The first tea harvest, or first flush, in early spring,

-is one for refined palates. -[slurps]

That to me tastes like tea, but I want it much stronger.

It's-- It's too delicate for some people.

I guess I've got more sophisticated tastes and so, um...

You've also got tea on your nose, which slightly spoils the effect.

Then we have stronger, second flush teas in spring...

This is like a kick in the face.

I like this one.

[James] Mature monsoon teas in mid-August...

-It's got like a chocolatey vibe going. -[Husna-Tara] Chocolatey, yes, absolutely.

[James] ...and opulent oolongs in autumn.

I feel like I want to have it nice and hot with some milk in it.

[silence]

The most magnificent teas are made at mid-summer.

So the most expensive tea we make is the Silver Needle,

and it's very precious.

The ladies who pick this would pick only the tips.

[Aditi] I can imagine a Japanese emperor sending out a bunch of ladies,

-and being, like, "Just the tip ladies." -[laughter]

In the olden days, the kings sent the pickers out

with silk gloves and golden scissors

to sort of snip the perfect tips off the tops of the bushes.

-[chuckles] -This is so sexual.

Often they were virgins that didn't eat any garlic or onion

-because they might taint the bushes. -[Aditi laughs]

So it retails for about £2,000 a kilo in the UK.

-£2,000 a kilo. -[Husna-Tara] Yes.

This little cup of tea is like 20 quid or something.

Mm.

[James] Time for tea-off.

A blind tasting of the six teas.

floral moonshine, delicate first flush, strong second flush, chocolatey monsoon,

rich Oolong, and Silver Needles

that cost more than a reasonably priced car.

Our taste buds are trained and our nations' prides are at stake.

So let's see who can get to three first.

[James] Okay.

I think it's monsoon.

Silver tips?

James is close. Aditi you're far, far, far from it.

-Damn it! -So it was actually the autumn.

[James] Britain showing early promise.

This is the first flush.

-I think it's first flush as well. -Well done!

Well, you both did well on that one.

Oh, shit that was close.

Despite an incident on the pitch,

we're climbing the scoreboard.

[Husna-Tara] Okay, Aditi you first.

-Second flush! -James?

There's a bit of that smokiness... I would go second flush as well.

Yes, you're both right.

Well done.

[James] Match point and things are tense.

I'm gonna need a cup of tea after this.

[Aditi] I know this one.

It's...

monsoon.

[Husna-Tara] Okay, Aditi?

This one is the... Silver Tips.

-Well done! -[Aditi] Yes!

Yes! India, India.

Look into my eyes.

[laughing]

Congratulations.

[James] Leaving Aditi to her victory dance,

it's time for the British to get out of Darjeeling.

Again.

On yer bike, May...

400 miles south to India's third biggest city, Kolkata.

For almost 150 years,

Kolkata was the capital of India under British rule.

[horns beep]

Morning.

Today, it's still the capital of Indian intellectualism

and buzzing with a new energy.

Well, most of it.

It must be said that in this bit of India,

it is quite difficult to shake off the legacy of the empire.

But let's give it a go.

Right, what's a modern, dynamic and truly Indian experience?

[Bollywood music playing]

[James] No, not that.

But that does remind me,

we are 19 minutes into the show.

Right then.

Bollywood's more serious Bengali cousin is Tollywood,

named for Kolkata's Tollygunge district.

I'm on my way to the Aakash Aath Studios

but there's been a slight misunderstanding.

They said we could go and watch some filming

of one of their regular sitcoms and soaps,

which go out every day, they're hugely popular,

and I could even have a little cameo role in it.

Maybe as somebody tending a fruit stall, or a taxi driver, something like that.

Anyway, it's turned into...

a part as a Scottish theologian,

in a serialised biopic about Bile Narendranath,

who was a very, very eminent Indian Hindu scholar, mystic and guru.

[children shouting]

[overlapping chatter, yelling]

[James] Just to let you know, that's not a real snake.

But the series is the real deal.

A major TV drama about the young guru who brought Hinduism to the world.

So this is not mucking about.

I'm not behind the bar in EastEnders, I'm not in Friends.

I'm in...

something very, very serious that we must not disrespect.

Oh, God.

[director speaking indistinctly]

[James] Welcome to Tollywood.

The place where dreams come true.

Also nightmares.

Right, you join me at a very baffling time, frankly.

I've been trying to learn my words and I've been getting some of them wrong.

The man's name is Narendranath.

Narendranath. I have been given,

by one of our fixers, who's a Bengali speaker,

a handy guide to the three difficult words I've to say.

Here we go.

[automated voice] Narendranath.

Narendranath.

That's his name, and then the concept of feeling in words.

Bhava Samadhi.

Bhava Samadhi.

And then the place where he goes.

Dakshineswar.

Yeah, we'll work on that later.

Narendranath.

Nareneh-- Naren-- Naren...

Narendranath. Narendranath!

Bhava Samadhi.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Narendranath.

Bhava Samadhi.

[James] For the first time ever on this series,

dressing up is a good thing.

I've just seen myself in the mirror, it's fantastic.

Groovy baby.

It's call time for Mr May.

Narendranath.

I'm playing William Hastie,

a Professor of Theology who inspires the young student guru.

[cameraman] Yes. Oh.

There are millions of people here.

The crew are much better behaved than the riff-raff I'm used to.

Here's the director...

-[James] Hello. James. -[director speaks indistinctly]

[James] How are you? Thank you for having me.

And the actor playing Naden--

Narendra--

playing my co-star.

Pleasure to meet you.

Time for a quick rehearsal.

-[actor] Good afternoon, Professor. -[James] Good afternoon, Narendranath.

I didn't see you in class today.

Am I angry?

-[director] Uh-huh. -A bit cross?

Yes?

That's a yes. Or maybe a no.

[James] Is Sandeep around?

Oh, he's there. This is Sandeep. He's our Bengali-speaking fixer.

I'm not quite--

So, am I supposed to be angry with him for missing his lesson?

-[Sandeep] Yes, you are. -[James] Yes, I'm a little angry.

Yes. Can you show your angry face?

[Sandeep] That's horrible.

Horrible, yes.

As we get ready for the first take, the mood on set is tense.

[director] Action.

[James] And I'm even tenser.

-Good afternoon, Professor. -Good afternoon, Narendranath.

Yes!

-[James] Didn't see you in class today. -[actor] Sorry, Professor.

What did you teach us today?

Well, it was a vital class actually,

I was reading "The Excursion" by William Wordsworth.

I'm a natural.

Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings.

Most excellent, Narandre-- Narand...

-[laugher] -[man] Okay, no problem.

Excellent, Naradrenet.

-Naren-- Na-- -[crewmember] Narendrenath.

Narendranad...

Excellent, Narendranath.

And then the next thing I'm going to say, which I've completely forgotten.

One word down, two to go.

Can you explain to us?

Impossible. I cannot explain to you what-- What's it called?

[crew] Bhava Samadhi.

-[actor] Bhava Samadhi. -[James] Bhava Samadhi.

It is impossible to explain what Bhavshannavvi is--

Bhavashanadi is--

-Bhava-shanadi. Bhava Samadhi. -Samadhi.

It is impossible...

I cannot explain what Bhava Samadhi is

but if you really want to know you should go to...

-[crewmember] Dakshineswar. -Yes, there.

[laughter]

[James] The crew are very patient...

Dakshineswar. Bhava Samadhi.

Okay, sorry.

...and eventually find a way to help me through it.

[man] We can practice the line.

-Go to... Dakshineswar. Dakshineswar. -Dakshineswar.

No, it is impossible to explain to you what Bhava Samadhi is,

but if you really want to know, go to Dakshineswar.

-[actor] Yeah. -Right, quickly, quickly!

-[laughter] -[indistinct chatter]

-[actor] It has been taken. -[James] Oh, you did it? Oh, right.

[James] An hour ahead of schedule, my last task of the day is walking

without bumping into furniture.

-[director] Okay. -Oh, that was BAFTA-winning stuff that.

[director] Thank you, sir.

-Thank you. Is that it? -You have completed your job.

Nothing in TV or drama has ever finished ahead of time, has it?

What does that tell us? Not that we were brilliant.

-Bhava Samadhi. -[laughter]

[crewmember] Now he gets it right.

Anyway, the Oscar's definitely not guaranteed,

so I suppose I better get back to the day job

and back to downtown Kolkata for a spot of shopping in the New Market.

Anyone need a giant rat?

Now, we've done some amazing things on this trip so far,

but I know quite a lot of you are sitting at home and saying,

"Ah, yes, but when are you gonna cook something?"

Well, that time has come.

I've been challenged to a cook-off with a woman called Kirti

who was the winner of India's MasterChef.

So, we're in the market. Let's shop 'till we drop.

Which in this temperature will be after about three minutes.

Leaves frame in a tantalising way.

It's often said that the British colonised the world for spices,

and then never used them.

Well, I'm going to address that, starting now.

-[insects buzzing] -Well, not with that.

I would like that one.

Tomatoes.

I like that one. I like that one.

I need five chillies.

Are these... strong?

Yes.

[chickens cluck]

I like that.

Cloves.

And fenugreek.

I like these.

Right, I'm done. Let's cook.

I'm in my special blue cooking shirt,

and I'm ready to impress top chef Kirti Bhoutika.

This is not a competition, okay, we're enjoying cooking together.

I'm learning about Indian food, you're learning about British food.

And, erm...

-Go. -Go?

-What are we cooking today? -[James] Oh, sorry, yes, I should--

I'm making my lentil shepherd's pie so this is a vegetarian shepherd's pie,

but adding the flavours of India to it with some spices.

-[Kirti] Lovely -[James] And you're cooking...

Aloo dum.

Which is basically like-- it's a potato curry.

But they have versions of aloo dum in all parts of India,

and the one that I'm cooking is, of course, Bengali Aloo Dum,

because that's where I'm from.

Okay. So we would usually call that in England, Bombay Aloo.

But Bombay Aloo wouldn't be Bengali Aloo, that would be Bombay Aloo.

So you can call it Bengali Aloo.

Cultural misappropriation.

It's not a competition but there is a prize.

Kirti's invited Kolkata's coolest food influencers

to taste our recipes, and if they like them,

blast them on their social for their Insta fans,

which is apparently a good thing.

[Kirti] So, James, what I'm doing now is adding a little bit of turmeric powder

to my potatoes,

and giving it that kind of yellow colour,

In every Indian household we have one of this

"masala box" as we call it.

[James] I'm gonna hold that up. Spice box.

Yes. So there's haldi, that's coriander powder,

salt, jeera powder, red chilli powder, of course,

and we have some garam masala.

[James] In with the lot of them,

plus, star anise, brown cardamom and fenugreek.

Let the British be known as spice dodgers no more.

Oh, smell that. Yum, yum, yum.

[Kirti] Curries here are very different from the curries that you get in England.

[James] Yeah.

Is chicken tikka masala considered...

Yes! We love it.

-That's 'cause we invented it. -No!

Just because it was invented in the UK,

the person who invented it was still not British.

He was still Indian. He was, in fact, Bengali.

We'll give you that one.

Along with putting my foot in my mouth,

I'm putting onions, mushrooms, lentils, and red wine vinegar

in with my spices.

And if you're thinking, "Hang on, I want proper instructions, May",

I refer you to an excellent series on Amazon called "Oh Cook!"

[Kirti] So what I'm doing is making the base for my aloo dum,

and this is what I've realised with Indian cooking,

most of it starts the same way.

We add in the oil, we add in the onion, garlic, tomatoes,

and then we add in all the other spices.

And then anything goes into that masala mix

and you're good to go, you have a curry ready.

[James] In exchange for her spice advice,

lucky Kirti gets a demo of the under-appreciated art of mash.

You're looking at me the way I look at someone misusing a screwdriver.

-You want to do this, don't you? -[laughs]

No, it's okay, you're doing it perfectly fine.

[James whistling]

[crewmember] It's like plastering.

We might have to timelapse this bit, Tom.

-[crewmember 1] Yeah. -Why don't you all go off and have

a flat white or whatever it is you do.

-[crewmembers vocalizing] -[James] Despite the crews'

constant efforts to ruin my fun, we have pie perfection.

[crewmember] James, are you not going to put peas in it?

No, the peas are being served separately as an accompaniment.

[Tom] Sorry, can I just get that clean,

just the thing going in with no trap over the top of it.

[James] God above. Everything in television happens twice.

[thuds]

Bollocks and arse.

[Tom laughing]

[James] Tom?

-Yeah. -[James] Go [bleep] yourself.

[laughter]

[James] That shot was perfectly good.

This will not work continuity wise because the pie is now a disaster.

Do you wish to see it going into the oven?

-[Tom] Yes, please. Yes. -Okay, are you ready?

Action!

[Tom giggles]

[thuds]

-Right, now [bleep] off the lot of you. -[laughter]

[Tom] And cut.

[James] The stakes are high for my pie.

If the influencers approve,

it could be the tikka masala of the next generation.

The photographing bit is apparently very important,

so it's helpful that Tom made me drop the bloody thing.

Kirti's aloo dum recipe is of course tried and tested.

[man] Aloo dum is a classic combination.

-You can't go wrong with it. -At least in Bengal.

It's like a favourite, it's comfort food.

[James] Mmm.

Lovely balance of spices.

But is India ready for my shepherd's pie a la oven door.

James, I'm very impressed.

[James] Really?

It's a brilliant effort, honestly.

That's not bad, actually.

-Good job. -[James] Thank you.

-[Kirti] Applause for... -[applause]

...James May cooking.

[James] I keep refreshing their blogs,

but I still haven't seen my recipe.

[traffic sounds]

I have one last evening in India's capital of culture.

[horns beep]

So naturally, I'm spending it under the motorway flyover.

I'm off out on the town to have a game of Carrom.

Carrom is an Indian game, about 200 years old,

and it can be thought of as a cross between pool, billiards, and air hockey.

And this is not the first time I've played,

because, rather sadly, I have on my phone...

a picture of me, in 1996, playing it.

-How's my hair? -[crewmember] Better.

[James] My hair may have changed, but the rules haven't.

Sink all your discs in the corner pockets before your opponent sinks theirs.

Shot!

It's basically pool, but a bit flickier.

And I'm learning from the best.

So you're Bappa. You're the champion of Kolkata.

[player] You can join us.

[lively music plays]

[James] Woah!

As I've played this before, I'm probably going to be pretty good.

[player] It's your turn now.

-[James] Like that? -[player] With this hand.

[Bappa] No. It should be like this.

[James] Oh, okay.

[player] This one.

[James] It's a fast-paced game.

It's happening so quickly, I can't-- Is it my go again?

[player] No, it's his.

[James] But I slowly start to get back into the swing of it.

So close.

Sorry.

Yes!

The trick is to line up your striker and colours

into a defensive blocking formation,

so it traps in your opponent's colours

so that they can't then--

Oh, I've lost.

Oh. Best of three?

-[player] Yeah, best of three. -Best of three, okay.

[James] Nearly.

Aww.

Actually I meant best to three.

Moving on quickly,

we're getting close to our final destination

of the Bay of Bengal.

And to reach it, we're travelling through the Sundarbans,

an archipelago of 102 islands.

Easy enough on a map...

[indistinct chatter]

...but a bit more complicated in reality.

[James] I still haven't seen my yellow bag which a man ran off with.

Getting 20 crew and 50-odd bags

from A to B in vans, boats and tuk-tuks,

is a fine example of the choreographed bedlam

by which India functions.

[James] Hang on, I'm on the wrong boat.

The last couple of miles of this journey are conducted by autorickshaw.

And we know that the autorickshaw drivers are the most skilful in India.

So, unofficially, this is of course a race.

[intense music builds]

Namaste.

[lively music plays]

He's up for it.

[horn blaring]

[music builds]

[James] Goodbye.

[lively music plays]

We have a contender.

His legs are going like absolute bastards.

Good effort, sir.

Oh, no, he's going for an overtake on the autorickshaw load carrier

and so are we.

Thank you.

We're gonna take the bike again as well.

Oh, I feel sorry for this bloke. Come on, sir, come on, come on.

Doing well there on a single speed bicycle.

He's gonna take us again.

[bell rings]

That's excellent work. [applauds] Bravo, sir.

With the crew and luggage safely arrived, we're ready to explore the Sundarbans.

This is the largest mangrove forest on Earth,

home to poisonous snakes, man-eating sharks,

and giant saltwater crocodiles

and that's not even the worst of it.

If we were making old-fashioned postcards, the type you used to get on the seaside,

this one would say "Greetings from Tiger Country."

There are reckoned to be about 100, 105 tigers

living out there somewhere in a very large area.

So it's actually highly unlikely that you're going to see one.

If you did see one, it's fairly likely that it would come and tear your head off.

Anyway, thank you for watching, it's been a pleasure all these years.

Goodbye.

Despite the whole tearing-people's-heads off thing,

increasing the tiger population is the number one goal

for the local forest guards,

led by Avik Das.

If there is no tiger, there is no Sundarbans,

there is no forest.

There will be no mangrove, there will be nothing.

[James] Avik keeps tabs on the tigers using camera traps.

Wow.

That's a real tiger.

Oh, yeah.

They do look quite cuddly.

But they would bite your arm off.

When you spot the tigers on camera, how do you identify them?

[Avik] By the tigers' flanks.

No two tigers have same type of flanks.

It's like barcode... on the tiger.

Yeah, yeah, just like barcode.

So what are we going to be doing today?

We are going to a nearby site, where some tigers are straying

and we can put some camera traps there in the forest.

Excellent.

Tigers straying into local villages

is a very serious matter.

There are half-a-dozen fatal tiger attacks every year.

To keep people and tigers away from each other

a large nylon fence went up ten years ago.

[James] That's the fence repair team.

The bit that we're going to suffered a breach

a while back in the fence, because a tiger got into the village.

They got the tiger out and repaired the fence,

but they're going to do an extra...

they're going to do effectively a double-glazed fence.

Because the tigers are quite clever

and they can remember where there was a hole.

It might just be a bit of string but it works.

Before the net, it wasn't six deaths a year,

it was 80.

There could be a tiger right there, you wouldn't see it.

So this is where the tiger broke through?

[guide] Yeah.

[men chanting in unison]

[James] Just to be clear, no wire strain or other tool like that

has been used on this fence.

This is all done with shouting and pulling and look how tight it is?

-That's... proper job. -[crewmember] Pretty good.

[men shouting indistinctly]

[yelps]

[James] So that is the step ladder...

I.e. a stick poked through the fence.

If you can't tie a knot, tie a lot, as the navy would say.

These guys can tie knots actually, and very quickly.

Triple protection and insurance--

-Hang on... -[leaves rustling]

Did you hear that?

Something quite big moved in there then.

It can't get me because I've got this piece of string to protect me.

To check that the bit of string is doing its thing,

we're also setting a camera trap.

And apparently, there's only one way to check if it's working.

This is a joke, isn't it?

Is this-- This is what you do, yes?

So... Tiger... hide.

-[crewmember] Yes. -[James] Okay.

-[crewmember] Growl. -[James growling]

[crewmember] Be ferocious.

[James growls]

Rrr... This is idiotic.

[Tom] This is a very slow and ageing tiger.

[James] Okay. Did it work?

[Sean] Good tiger work, mate.

This Sundarban mud is actually really good for your complexion.

It's moisturising and youthing.

-Try some on your face, Sean. -[Sean exclaims]

[James] A couple of hours south by boat, there's no net to protect us.

This is a no-man's land,

where both people and tigers hunt for food.

Judging by my outfit, I could just rustle up some loaves and fishes,

but I quite fancy some honey.

Sundarban honey is reckoned to be some of the best in the world.

It is very, very rich and most flavoursome,

and inevitably, it has medicinal properties.

But the bad news is, the hives are in tiger country.

Added to that, the local bees are quite big,

they are quite aggressive,

and their stings are B-A-D.

No need to dock the boat, I can walk the rest.

The honey hunters are hardy souls,

braving tigers and angry bees in T-shirts and bare feet.

Our team, on the other hand, are sweating, in full Amazon-approved Bee-PE.

Feels a bit much.

Until we see the hive.

There it is. Oh, bloody hell.

-They're big buggers. -[bees buzzing]

Apis Dorsata are giants of the bee kingdom,

over an inch long, and with a stinger so sharp

it can pierce a tiger's skin.

These are the bees-knees of bees.

[James] The remarkable statistic is that it takes

one bee, 80 flowers worth of mining,

to make one drop of honey.

So think how much bee work there is in a jarful.

I don't understand why honey doesn't cost a million pounds a jar.

The hunters create smoke to scatter the hive,

which unfortunately, also signals our position to the tigers...

Thirty percent of all tiger attacks happen to people collecting honey.

They get the honey, and that's only their pudding.

The main course...

is him.

Oh, good God, look at that.

[bees buzzing]

That's a lot of bees.

We're only taking a tiny bit of comb, and hoping the bees don't notice.

[honey trickling]

Oh, I can hear honey coming out, I think.

Either that or one of them's pissed himself in terror.

The entire honey heist is over in 60 seconds.

[James] Done? Done.

[bees buzzing]

How much honey have we got?

Oh, wowsers, look at this.

And it's still got bees on it, so be careful.

-Bravo. -[crewmember] Thank you, bravo.

[applause]

[James] Impressive.

To the boat. Toast and honey.

[instrumental music plays]

As Mahatma Gandhi once said,

the soul of India lives in its villages.

-[bell rings] -Evening.

[James] This is actually the most peaceful place I've been to in the whole of India.

It's rather lovely.

[rooster crowing]

[children giggle]

These children are mocking me.

-[chicken clucks] -Evening.

That must have been a nice shot as my head went through the fronds.

[tuk-tuk horn honks]

But in this ordinary village something very special has happened,

and it's changed the shape of the world.

Now, viewers, this is important.

This is the home of Amit and Supriya,

a perfectly regular rural Indian couple.

And two nights ago, just after midnight, Supriya gave birth to little Amrito.

And that in itself is not particularly remarkable.

Except that, that was the time in which the United Nations predicted

that the population of India would become

one billion, 425 million,

775 thousand, 850 people.

Before greeting a new baby, I must cleanse by water

and by fire.

As recommended on Mumsnet India.

And I come bearing gifts.

Like the Magi.

Namaste.

Hello, little fella.

Wow.

Welcome to the baffling condition of existence.

I have some small gifts for you.

Honey to bring a taste of the sweet life ahead.

I picked the dead bees out first.

-[James] Sir. -Thank you.

And a little something from home.

It's cuddly. [laughs]

Best we could think of, I'm afraid.

So why are we showing you all this?

Well, if you're playing an old-fashioned game of Trivial Pursuit,

and the questions is,

"Which is the most populous country in the world?"

The answer, I'm afraid, isn't China, it's India.

That new figure means that it's now in first place.

And... it was little Amrito what did it.

There's gonna be a plaque to him somewhere.

What do you think Amrito will be when he grows up?

-A singer. Singer. -[James] A singer?

Oh, that's an excellent choice.

That's a two-day-old infant.

I know it's not really a miracle, but it does feel like one, doesn't it?

Onwards.

Three thousand miles down, fifty to go, to reach the Bay of Bengal.

Well, viewers, we're almost at the end.

And it's been... pretty fantastic actually.

I mean, there was this bit...

[crackers bursting]

They're all insane.

-[loud bang] -Ah!

[hysterical laughter]

[drums beating]

[James] And there were quite a lot of bits like this.

[horns honking]

It's India's 23rd official language... the horn.

[horns blow]

I thought these bits were pretty good.

Good god. That is... That is amazing

I'm going the right way.

Whoa, James. That's beautiful.

[James] But there were far too many of these bits.

-[cheering] -[indistinct chatter]

-[thuds] -[James] Bollocks and arse.

-[thunder rumbles] -This is fantastically miserable.

Oh, no, no, no. This is a disaster.

Thank you.

[James exclaim]

These bits were more like it.

[indistinct chatter]

Pigs' buttholes?

[wheezing laughter]

-[horn beeps] -[James] Goodbye.

[all cheering]

Yes!

Obviously, you don't want to see the bits that we cut out,

because we cut them out for a reason.

[sitar playing out of tune]

[James] Oh, no.

I can't do that.

What is the name of the saint?

Sri Rama Krishna...

-[crewmember] Paramahamsa. -Paramahamsa.

[laughter]

Oh, I've immediately been reborn.

Is that the end?

Sadly, it is the end.

On the quiet shores of Bakkhali,

the crowded Mumbai seafront where we began

feels several Indias ago.

Well, there you go, viewers, we made it.

All the way to the Bay of Bengal from the Arabian Sea.

In accordance with the original mission brief.

Anyway, I expect you're all sitting at home saying,

"Well, come on, May, then, should I go to India?"

Yes, of course you should. It's an absolute riot.

Everybody should come to India.

Although please bear in mind,

that a goodly proportion of everybody is already here.

I do have a few handy travel hints for you.

The first is, please don't come to India and put on a saree or a kurta

and sit in a temple and live entirely of dal

and then think you're gonna "Get your head together,"

because frankly, you won't.

And anyway, that's not India's job.

Secondly, don't come here thinking you're gonna live out some

last days of the Raj fantasy,

because modern India is far more interesting.

And anyway, that kind of thing is a little bit embarrassing.

And finally, please don't come here and fret about India's problems,

because the truth is,

they're exactly the same problems as we have at home,

they're just magnified here by the sheer size of the place

and the number of the people.

Let's go back to what I said at beginning.

Remember, in Mumbai I said,

"India always feels like it's trying to beat you up."

And I think that is the key to a successful visit.

Walk out of your hotel, take a really deep breath,

and allow India to beat you up.

You'll enjoy it.

And it'll do you good.

And don't for a moment think there's any point in fighting back,

because, as one of the crew said,

India will always win.

Thank you very much for watching, as ever.

I hope to see you in some other place very soon.

Right, biryanis all round?

[Indian theme song plays]