Original subtitles

[James] Namaste, viewers.

You join me at an exciting time.

Shielded from Rajasthan's blistering heat thanks to some Japanese AC,

I've left the comforts of Udaipur in search of a comfort break.

This is India's answer to Watford Gap.

-Only here the staff are simply divine. -[cow moos]

This is very interesting, because whenever I stop

at the motorway services in Britain,

I'm always slightly alarmed that you can fill up your car,

you can have the usual rather dreary cheeseburger

and go for a wazz and what have you,

but you can also buy some elasticated beige trousers

or a teapot or some golden ornaments, and I always think,

"Well, if you're on a car journey, why would you like those things?

It's ridiculous."

But actually, it's the same the world over as it turns out.

Because here in India you stop for your tea-coffee-chai

and then...

you can buy...

a sword.

Okay, you can buy a sword and shield,

if you're particularly fed up with the autorickshaws.

[James] After spending a rupee and opting for a samosa over a sabre,

it's time to drive onto our first map.

I'm heading for the town of Boraj near Jaipur for a hot date with a VIP.

Judging by the impressive 16th-century digs,

the Duke of Boraj, or Thakur, is kind of, well, a big paneer.

Trouble is, when we arrive

there are more potential Dukes than you can shake a sword at,

and we don't know who is who.

I've got 50 royals sort of hanging around. I don't know who anybody is.

I'm not sure what's going on. But I do know...

we've gotta get in there or they'll probably shut or something.

-I just put him in the centre. -He's wearing the shades.

[James] Oh, yes, with the red and the sword.

I'm suddenly feeling underdressed.

He appears to have some staff.

...clean my shoes.

Time to meet a real-life Duke.

I'm nervous but I've been told not to sweat it.

[opening theme music plays]

[James] Now, being British,

I'm used to our Dukes being grand and old and from York.

Well, the present Thakur of Boraj, His Excellency Trivendra Singh Ji

is rather hip and young.

Although he has managed to squeeze 10,000 men into his dining room.

-[James] Namaste. -[Thakur] Namaste.

[all] Namaste.

Forgive me for saying this, but we don't understand the hierarchy

of the Indian aristocracy or what you do now.

I know that it was different in the days of Empire.

In the days of Raj, it was different of course.

Under the Maharajahs, whenever there was a war,

whenever there was a fight going on,

the rewards were given.

Like, earlier you were having 20 villages, then it was 25, or 30 like this.

So the more villages you have, the stronger the fort,

the bigger the palace you will make.

[James] So you are still a landlord of local villages.

Things have changed now.

The land I own,

is according to the legal system of the government, actually.

And is there a yearning for the old days or is that...

No! No, it's nothing like that.

There were many stories created and I cannot say all 100% were good,

but there would have been incidences,

they would've not treated their people in a nice way.

[James] Unlike those baddies of old

the present Thakur seems to be very popular.

Because for reasons I don't quite understand,

everyone starts giving him cash.

Respect the Thakur.

[James] I don't have any money.

I need some money.

Money?

Thanks to an emergency whip-round among the crew,

I managed to pay my respects.

All 500 of them. In the nick of time.

[Thakur chuckles]

[laughter]

Thank you.

[James] Turns out, the Thakur has to give you money in return.

I don't quite understand because I've made a profit.

[man] ...double the money.

[James] Oh, double money.

Hmm.

[applause]

The crew overhear me mentioning double money

and as the ceremony breaks up they're keen to get their 500 rupees back.

It's only worth a fiver but it takes them almost a minute to earn that.

-I borrowed the 500 rupees from Dan... -You mouthed money at me.

Yes, and I gave it to Thakur, but he gave me a thousand back.

So Dan had made a profit at that point,

but because I felt bad about it I gave it back to him.

[laughter]

You've lost Dan's money.

No, no, the Thakur's made an extra 1,000.

Dan's 500, plus the 500 he gave me in the first place.

But if you go to a National Trust property,

you have to pay a fiver or whatever to go in,

that's the same thing, except you don't go in...

-[Dan] Yes, but it's my fiver James! -I know, I'll pay it back!

[James] Luckily, our recreation of the great Christmas Day Monopoly conflict

is interrupted.

Everyone seems delighted to pose with the Thakur

and I'm sure it's absolutely nothing to do

with the bearded bloke holding a giant cudgel.

[James] The man with the big mace.

[Thakur] You can call him, like, the bodyguards of the Thakur.

-He has to defend you to death. -He has to defend. He has to defend.

-With that? -Yes.

Fantastic. Is it quite weighty?

-Okay, it is extremely, yes. Fantastic. -It is.

You don't want a smack on the head with that,

-frankly. -[man laughs]

Back off.

[Thakur] James, let me introduce you to my son.

[indistinct chatter]

-So he will be the next Thakur. -Yeah.

All right.

Whenever you become the next Thakur of this family,

it will be the same sword given to you actually.

It has come all the way from generation to generation actually.

-Is it a ceremonial sword? -Yes, ceremonial.

-But it's not real. -It is real.

Are you allowed, as the Thakur, to hack someone's head off with it.

No! No way, it's a democracy.

[laughter]

That's disappointing.

-Gone are the days. -[James] Hmm.

Oh, well.

[laughter]

India might be a democracy today,

but much of what you can see on your screen

is still the Thakur's estate.

And he's keen to show me his latest project.

Two temples he's helped build in the local town.

Armed to the teeth,

we set off for a scene in which everyone will look incredibly cool.

Everyone, that is, except me.

I not only left my sabre and shades in the car,

I also picked up a turban two sizes too small.

Our first stop is a shrine to Lord Krishna,

where my oversized bonce has its own chant.

[music playing and people chanting]

-It's better? -Yeah.

My head is very big.

[Thakur] It's auspicious actually to have a big head.

Is it? It's auspicious to have a big head.

[indistinct chatter]

Respect for a big head? Okay.

A couple of finishing touches and I'm invited to pray to Lord Krishna.

If you have anything you want to, you know, just ask Lord Krishan there,

any wish you want, it should be completed very soon, you can ask him.

[James] My wish is for a turban that fits.

Actually, I quite fancy a pink one like that bloke's got up at the front.

Anyway, time for temple number two.

And it seems Lord Krishna moves in mysterious ways.

[James] I've lost some of my flowers.

Slightly better.

[ceremonial clangs]

Right, that's two turbans, two temples, and now two photo ops.

How about two cold ones out on the castle terrace.

[James] We didn't really know anything about you

until you turned up today, but I thought--

-Can I be really honest? -Tell me.

-I thought it might be a bit boring. -[laughter]

And that you would... show me around your house

and show me a piece of interesting furniture...

-Okay. -...or a carpet.

But it wasn't, we went off and almost had a party.

-This is real India. -Yeah.

People, they love you, they want you to be with them.

You go to temple, you worship God, and...

it's a different sense, it's a different, you know...

-To me. -It is. I think so.

[James] Er... the beer, Your Excellency?

Thank you, sir, for your hospitality.

-You're welcome, James. -Much appreciated.

Good health!

-It's a very nice place you have here. -Thank you.

The Tripadvisor reviews also agree.

Except one written by a bloke called Dan. Who says it's a rip-off.

Next morning, I'm in the ancient town of Amer

to meet my new guide, Vikramjit Singh.

Vikramjit has come all the way from Delhi

because he wants to show me something very special.

If the water was cleaner, I mean, I would call this breathtaking.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Is it meant to be green?

-No. -[Vikramjit] Yeah.

It was supposed to be to provide water to the people living around here.

I'm not sure they would like the idea now.

Is it just ornamental?

Yeah.

Now it is, yeah.

[James] This is the Panna Meena stepwell.

Built in the 1500s to collect monsoon rain,

it is one of the architectural wonders of India.

It's also vertigo's worst nightmare.

[James] That's slightly disconcerting. It's quite high up.

[Vikramjit] It is.

[James] It's the sort of place you have to make sure your shoelaces are done up.

Yeah. [laughter]

I just looked down to see if mine were.

[James] So the steps are really just a way of getting down to the water,

-in the olden days. -[Vikramjit] Yeah.

[James] You fill up your bucket or your pitcher or whatever.

[Vikramjit] Except that I feel they have a nice sense of symmetry as well.

[James] They do.

It's almost like optical illusions sometimes, right,

if you stare at it too long.

[James] D'you know what it's like?

It's like one of Escher's impossible drawings.

-Yeah. -You know, so you start

walking up the stairs

and then the next thing you know you're upside down

but going in the opposite direction.

[Vikramjit] James, do you wanna go over there?

That might be nice. Just get closer to the water, you know.

I don't mind going over there.

I'd have some difficulty going back up that way.

-'Cos that's a bit... -[Vikramjit] Is it your knees?

[James] No, no, my knees are fine.

The problem is more my perfectly rational fear of a sudden and untimely death

-I don't like heights. -What?

-I hate heights. -Oh, my God.

I bet you 500 bucks.

We go there, and then we go back up.

But when you say "bucks", do you mean dollars or rupees?

-I think I'm gonna stick with rupees. -Rupees.

Because I don't think we can afford dollars.

So 500 rupees, if I go all the way back to the top,

-on the other side, which is more scary. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-We have a deal? -Yeah, but actually,

the deal is if I make it to the top without being scared,

you have to give 500 rupees to Dan 'cause I owe him 500 from yesterday.

That's fine.

Shall I do it now? Are you ready for this?

I am.

[James] Word of my attempt has drawn a crowd.

[dramatic music]

Woah, James, that's beautiful.

[chuckles]

[James] Am I going the right way?

Oh, my God.

[James whimpers]

[applause]

The best 500 rupees you've ever won, James.

[James] For us performing monkeys, that's peanuts.

Speaking of which, I've not eaten anything on screen yet.

Luckily, there's a Delhi round the corner.

[upbeat Indian music plays]

India's capital is a sprawling metropolis

home to ancient forts,

this thing,

and the 28 million people you see here on their morning commute.

Local lad Vikramjit wants to show me around Chandni Chowk,

his favourite part of the city.

It's well known for its buzzing street food market.

But what it's less well known for, is this...

[horn beeps]

-[thunder rumbles] -[rain pattering]

This is fantastically miserable.

Can we have a brolly or is that not allowed?

[James] Gosh.

This is a really nice day out you've brought me on.

[Vikramjit] Yeah.

Were you feeling a little homesick today?

Because, in case you were missing London, we got your weather here.

[James] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Vikramjit] But can I just say, James, I don't mind even getting drenched

because that's how much I love this area.

I make a point to come here for the food, and it's almost like time travel.

[James] Yes. This feels slightly mediaeval.

The ever-popular Chandni Chowk,

in fact, dates back to 1650,

when the first rickshaws arrived to start queueing up for lunch.

-[James] Right, here we go. -[Vikramjit] All right.

We're goin' in.

[horns beep]

Hello!

[James] Hello.

It does smell good round here.

Yeah, because it's a sort of food street here.

[James] Our destination is a stall Vikramjit tells me has been open

for nearly 150 years.

Coincidently, the amount of time it takes to wade through the crowd.

Those are not the parathas we make at home.

[James] You wouldn't get this in another city?

[Vikramjit] No, not even in Delhi. Not even in Delhi.

Only in this lane.

That's why this lane is called Paranthe Wali Gali, which is like...

The Lane of Parathas, typically.

They must be good because the people eating here

seem to be locals, people who live here.

[James] Yes. Oh, wow, we get all that?

Yeah, this seems to be potato.

This is a banana sweet chutney.

This is like tamarind and banana chutney.

[James] I'm trying the tamarind and banana chutney.

I have to ask what this is, really.

And I'm gonna take a bit with you together.

Woah!

[Vikramjit laughs]

Does it do something cool to you?

It's not-- It's weird, but it's nice.

[chuckles]

[James] Oh, yeah.

[Vikramjit] In Delhi, people really want you to like food.

[James] I noticed that.

[both] Thank you.

Indians are feeders.

Whenever you eat, they just say, "Have more, have more, have more".

Are we actually gonna try and get down there?

[Vikramjit] Yep.

And these cookies are super popular as well.

At least when you're down the alley,

there's no danger of being run over by a scooter.

[James] Just as well we had those parathas

as our main course, if we can find it, is a Chandni Chowk speciality.

Think Madhur Jaffrey meets Findus Crispy Pancake.

Okay, so...

So this is Dal Kachori.

Again, he's crushed it nicely, and he's put some potato gravy over it.

And you can see a sprinkling of the masala on top of it.

-That bit is bread in essence. -That bit is bread, it's...

-You know how a samosa is? -Yes.

So it's kinda like a distant cousin of a samosa.

[James] Mmm. That's no bad.

It's got more mint in it.

Despite everything being deep fried like...

sort of a bit like Glasgow,

it actually tastes quite light.

It doesn't taste sort of heavy or stodgy, it's...

It's sort of fresh and vegetable-y. It's good, isn't it?

[clamouring]

[James] There's a brief intermission in our Indian safari supper

for a spot of light road rage.

I'm interested in this fight that's developing between two rickshaws

that simply cannot pass each other in this alley.

Oh, there's a scooter as well. That should make things simpler.

[horns blaring]

Over half a million people,

roughly the population of Sheffield,

cram into the market each day.

And that's just on your average Wednesday.

[Vikramjit] So in the month of Ramadan...

-Yeah. -...there's a whole

festive atmosphere here.

Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, we are eating each other's food,

together with each other's festivals.

I know it sounds cliche and a little syrupy

-when I say it like that... -[horn beeps]

...but you actually see it in action here,

and that's one of my favourite things about this part of Delhi.

[horns beep]

[James] Right, pudding. At least that won't be fried.

But here's the clincher. The sweet thing that we are about to have...

is also fried, it's that shop there.

-Fried sweets. -Yeah.

[car horn beeps]

Okay.

[James] Our final destination, when we get there,

is a bowl of Shahi Tukra,

about which I need a bit of a briefing.

[Vikramjit] This is actually fried bread

that has been dipped in sugar syrup.

-Really? -[laughs]

[Vikramjit] And on top of that, there is this milk fat

which we call rabri.

[James] Right, here we go.

For someone who loves spice as much as you do, this is too sweet.

No, it is very sweet, God.

[Vikramjit] Yeah.

Actually, it's pretty good, isn't it?

-[laughing] Wow, okay. -Very fresh.

That's nice.

I blame all that U-turn on sugar.

Well, it's a bit like eating a crumble.

[Vikramjit] Hmm, that's true.

[James] There's a lot of rickshaws.

Imagine if they all started blowing their horns,

it would be just deafening.

-[horns beeping] -[Vikramjit] Yeah.

That's how we communicate.

It's India's 23rd official language.

The horn.

[laughs]

[James] Now I just need to run 15 laps of the market before bed

as I'm absolutely off my... [beeps] on sugar.

[James] Having avoided overnight diabetes,

the next day I'm heading through Delhi's sprawling suburbs

to the town of Meerut.

Now it would be sheer sacrilege to visit India without exploring

one of the country's greatest passions...

and I don't mean giant pillows.

India is mad about cricket,

you don't need me to tell you that,

and I of course am English so nothing warms my heart more

than the evocative thwack of leather on freshly oiled willow.

And that's just as well really because today I have been invited to SG,

India's premier manufacturer of everything to do with cricket.

There is, however, and as they would say in daytime TV,

a problem.

I know nothing about cricket.

When I say nothing, I mean absolutely nowt.

So I might have to busk it a bit.

Still, this is about making things. There will be wood.

-Hi. -You must be Anurag.

-Yes. Hi. -James, hello.

[James] Hello, old fruit.

Can we make a cricket bat? Can we make a cricket ball?

-Yes. -Excellent. Let's go.

-Let's go. -Lead on.

[James] Founded in 1931,

Sanspareils Greenlands, SG to his mates,

is India's largest cricket gear company.

Hey, look at this.

This factory alone knocks up 350,000 bats a year

that's a lot of wood.

Mmm. Wood.

This is the raw... that we get.

So that's willow from Kashmir?

No, that's from England.

It's from England.

[triumphant orchestra plays]

Look at the quality of that, Vikramjit.

Quality piece of wood.

Grown in the bosom of England.

Who gave her ways to roam and flowers to love.

And eventually, Indian teenagers are going to use it

to waste their time and never study.

Waste their time?

[Vikramjit] Playing cricket.

Is it a waste of time?

If you ask my parents.

[James] Well, I rang them and they confirmed that,

yes, playing cricket is a complete waste of time.

They also said, "Why don't you tell the viewers

something interesting instead, James".

That is effectively a screw-cutting lathe.

Because there's a lead screw in that part so it's spun here between centres

and then the speed is related to the speed of the lead screw

which dictates the speed that that... whatever you call that,

goes along and winds the string onto the handle.

That's very, very pleasing watching that.

Yeah.

Would you still, let's say, on a given Sunday

when you have nothing to do,

and if you just had a lathe machine,

would you make something out of it?

-Yeah. -Wow.

Why not?

Okay, that's enough talking about lathes.

-Oh. -[laughter]

[Vikramjit] Wasn't expecting that backlash from the crew.

[James] No, they...

They hate lathes.

-I thought they were your friends. -[James] They're not.

They're the enemy.

While I was going googly-eyed over the lathe,

some 300 bats were expertly planed, spliced and varnished.

But even then, they can still be ruined.

[Anurag] This is the final part that we have here.

They'll put on the stickers,

and then they'll put on the grips and the bat will be all set.

All ready to go.

What has actually made the Indians so mad about cricket?

Once Bollywood ends, cricket starts.

And vice versa.

Those are the two things we thrive on.

And the drama that stories create are also there in cricket.

[James] The factory folk have judiciously saved us an important job

that will do the least amount of damage.

Right, don't help him.

-[laughter] -It's miles off.

[laughter]

-[Vikramjit] I couldn't-- -[laughter]

[Anurag] Not an easy job to do.

[Vikramjit] I could have sworn it was easier than that.

-Okay, just align myself. -Do it by yourself.

[laughter]

[James] Go on, you can do it.

[laughter]

It can't be that difficult.

We were going to come up with a hilarious balls joke

to get us into this next scene,

but I'm afraid there simply isn't one.

So, here are some straightforward facts.

SG makes around 200,000 balls a year to the same precise recipe.

First, you need some cork.

The ball should be weighing between 156 to 161 grams.

I had one of these in the Chowk in masala sauce the other day.

Then take two leather hemispheres...

stitch it all together.

[Anurag] That's how they're stitching the seam.

[James] Oh, is the ball inside there?

-[Anurag] Yeah, the ball is inside there. -[James] Ah!

[James] And add a final touch of bling. I'm doing this bit.

Okay, so I'm going to line it up.

Line the centre...

Yeah?

I'm gonna go down and then I'm gonna just give a little bit of pressure to emboss.

That's looking good.

And then...

I take my gold foil...

and then I push it to about there.

Count to five.

Then I whip it off, very quick.

And there's your logo.

Good?

I got the half nod, which means,

"hmm, possibly not."

Right, time to put bat and ball through their paces.

And as I don't have time for a full five-day test,

I've invented the OBI, the One Ball International.

[Western duel music plays]

[music intensifies]

[music crescendos]

[James bellows] Yes!

On your way son, most out.

So, at lunch, India are out for a duck,

and V. K. Singh takes the long walk back to the hedge.

Now, the hopes of a nation lie with J. D. May,

earning his first and only international cap.

[Western duel music plays]

[thuds]

Oh, yes!

[exclaims]

The land of hope and glory's back in business.

While Vikramjit apologises to the Indian Cricket Board,

I burn my book of bad cricket puns so I can give Delhi the slip.

[Indian music plays]

Hello viewers you join me in darkness because it is very, very early, not late.

You also join me on what appears to be a scrapyard.

But don't be deceived by that because just over there is the portal

to the platform that leads to the world's most expensive train

the Maharajas' Express.

Prepare yourselves for death by luxury.

While the Maharajahs' Express was built in 2010,

its 14 opulent guest carriages

are designed to evoke a bygone golden era...

around the time Agatha Christie started murdering passengers on other routes.

Today is the first leg of the week-long Indian Splendour Tour.

As Michael Portillo is discreetly smuggled out,

I collect my press credentials...

[James] Oh, I get a...

Namaste.

[James] ...enjoy some waiting room Muzak,

and it's all aboard the Maharajas' Express.

[James] Thank you.

-Good morning. -[attendant] Good morning, welcome aboard.

[James] Ooh.

Ooh! [whispers] It's right posh.

There's breakfast.

There's a bar.

The bed's nice.

Yes, I'm happy.

[James] With pith helmet unpacked and luggage stowed,

we're ready to take the wiggly red train track to Agra.

Thank you for travelling on the Maharajas' Express.

The next stop will be 1937.

[Big Ben-style announcement tone rings]

Big Ben?

[woman, over PA] Good morning ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome onboard for a delightful experience

of the Maharajas' Express.

[James] The train appears to be having something of an identity crisis.

You can have...

Eggs to order,

with breakfast meats, grilled tomato, hash browns and beans.

It's not very Indian.

But you can have an upma, which is very South Indian.

This is all very nicely done,

and I can see why it would appeal to certain sort of person,

but I'm not really sure why you'd come all the way to India

and spend many, many thousands of pounds

to have an experience that you could have in the Excelsior in Bognor Regis.

Still, when in Bognor.

Tom would like me to have,

erm... two-- two fried eggs

with all the stuff.

It's like being back in my local greasy spoon.

Except that's not on a train and it's run by a Turkish bloke.

-There, excellent. -This is for you.

Thank you very much indeed.

This is with bacon, and this is...

-Thank you. -Thank you.

After polishing off my Full Indian, I fancy a stiff one next door.

Can I have a Bloody Mary, please?

-With pleasure, sir. -Thank you.

Lots of spicy stuff.

Oh, this is going to be good.

I'm gonna say this quietly, but...

this is effectively a nationalised train.

It's not really as old as it makes out to be.

It's a facsimile. It's like a theme park, but it's a train.

But what is slightly surprising is...

at the moment especially,

the Indian government is very anti

the legacy of Empire and colonisation,

but then they've built what is actually a little bit of a Raj fantasy,

and I'm slightly baffled by it.

But anyway, I'm sure drink will cure it, whatever it is.

Sir, here is your Bloody Mary.

-I can add more lime... -Fantastic.

No, that looks perfect.

Can I retire to the conservatory?

[Tom] Yes, of course.

-Thank you. -[Tom] Conservatory?

-Well, you know what I mean. -[Tom speaking indistinctly]

-Observation car. -[Tom laughs]

Observation car.

Thank you.

I apologise for my colleagues.

Oh, yep. Wow. Oh, jeez.

Yes.

Excellent, there's nothing much wrong with that.

In the term "Maharajas' Express",

I think the word "express" is doing some quite heavy lifting.

If you have a look out of the window.

To be honest, one of the things that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable about this,

is that all the staff are Indian,

all very, very attentive and nice to us,

all of the guests seem to be Westerners.

To be honest, they all seem to be British.

So it does feel a bit like a Raj fantasy.

And more to the point, it's 10 past 9:00 in the morning

and the bar is absolutely banging.

[indistinct chattering and cheers]

Anyway just to be clear, this isn't simply a big jolly.

I'm actually on my way to Agra to see one of the true wonders of the world.

Eventually, the Maharajahs' Express arrives in Agra.

[James] Thank you.

Where I can finally tick a longstanding item

off my bucket list.

When I say Agra, of course, I mean one particular place in Agra,

and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

People flock from all over the world to see it

because it is the pinnacle of Asian and Islamic culture.

Of global culture, to be honest.

And here it is.

["Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins]

♪ Playing, playing with the boys ♪

♪ Staying, playing with the boys... ♪

No, not Agra's academy of Kushti mud-wrestling...

This.

[serene music plays]

Good God. That is-- That is amazing.

The Taj Mahal is a mausoleum built for the wife of Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan.

Completed in 1648,

this stunning building took 20,000 people 20 years to construct.

During World War II, it was hidden under a giant bamboo screen

in case anyone tried to bomb it.

When I was a small boy, I'm talking about six or seven years old,

there was a book in our school classroom bookcase

and it was called something like "Wonders of the World."

It had little watercolour drawings and it was only about this big,

and it had the Pyramids and the Grand Canyon and things like...

lots of things I've seen,

and it also had a picture of the Taj Mahal

and I thought, "I would really like to see that".

And do you know what, this is the fifth visit I've made to India

and I've never managed to see this until now.

And it is absolutely breathtaking.

It genuinely is.

I mean, that's made... It's made my gums ache

and the back of my head go a bit tingling.

Now I am going to have to disappoint you very slightly, viewers,

because the filming permits that are in place around here

are even more strict than they are in the rest of India,

and our camera is not allowed to go any further forward than that railing.

I can't even go down there by myself and film it on my iPhone

and then put it on the TV

because that would be spotted,

and then we'll get a massive bill in the post.

But I do have a cunning plan.

There is a way that I can get almost a private view of the Taj Mahal

without any of those people in it and it's got nothing to do with TV trickery

or editing or augmented reality or any of that.

It's this.

[serene music plays]

Right, viewers, you do have to be able to make friends with the local boatmen

and there are only two of them,

but what's coming up is what we call in TV...

a reveal.

Ready?

Pretty good, huh?

Now, that's not a view you normally see, that's not the one you got on the postcard

and it's not the one you get if you go through the official gates

and see it from the front,

you don't get the view of the long stream this way,

but you don't get as many people either. And it's quite serene out here.

If a little bit whiffy.

It is perfect. It must be something to do with

golden proportions or something like that

but it is absolutely perfect.

Now, would you believe it, I'm almost at the halfway point,

around the word "to" in my coast-to-coast pilgrimage across India.

And, like Agra, my next location is one of India's greatest sights.

I should probably just shut up for a minute

so you can enjoy the majesty.

[serene music plays]

Good morning, viewers. You join me around 420 miles east of New Delhi

in the holy city of Varanasi,

the epicentre of Hinduism.

I'm very excited about it because I've never been here before.

It's full of amazing stuff.

There are ghats, there are hundreds of temples.

There is the sacred Ganges River, the mother of India, if you like.

We're gonna have a look at all that stuff later on, but first...

some yoga.

This is Assi Ghat, where everyday,

at sunrise, people from all walks of life gather for a morning prayer

to stretch their limbs, and, hopefully, open their minds.

We have James May with us.

He is very young person, and very smiley person.

[James] Sounds like my school report from 1972.

[in Hindi] Now, let's begin our daily study

of yoga with Pranayam.

[in English] First, something I can't possibly get wrong.

Breathing.

[instructor] Breathe in from left nostril.

Close your right nostril.

And left... [indecipherable]

Breathe in from left nostril.

[woman] Can you close this side?

[indistinct chatter]

-[woman] ...and release. -[James] Thank you.

[woman] Okay. Thank you.

[James] Next, we do the locomotive.

[aggressive chanting]

We will try to centre our inner power

and try to awaken our three chakras.

[James, in English] I think one of my chakras has gone to sleep.

Time to get this young, smiling body moving.

[instructor, in Hindi] Now, work against gravity.

[in English] One, two, three, four, five.

[James] As well as yoga's classic hits,

Poornima's class also includes...

hide-and-seek,

goat in labour...

-[labouring goat noises] -[instructor] Five.

[James] ...overdone it on the dhal...

[all growling]

[James] ...and remembering the time I shot RoBoHon in the head.

[all laughing hysterically]

[James] Until inevitably...

Spiritual peace.

[all chanting]

[instructor speaks Hindi]

[applause]

[in English] Okay, you lot are doing that tomorrow

because it's actually very good for you.

I know you want to mock but look at the shape of me.

Look how tall I am.

[Tom] You were making lots of middle-aged noises.

I am middle-aged, Tom.

But I've got them out of me, I've...

removed the middle-aged noises from the depths of my being.

[bustling traffic sound]

[James] After applying a lot of Deep Heat and WD-40,

I venture into town armed once again with my imaginary floating camera.

I've got to say, I find Varanasi absolutely mesmerising.

It's cheerful, busy...

nice and tidy, full of lovely smells,

interesting things to learn, fruit and veg, fruit and veg,

ornate cycles.

Lovely looking fruit and veg.

And hiding somewhere amongst the groceries

is a licensed local tour guide in a blue checked shirt.

-Did you do that laughing yoga? -Yes.

Oh, excellent, that's brilliant.

Yeah, well that was quite easy because I just looked at the crew.

That was probably the best part?

Yeah, that was absolutely easy, like I'd been doing it all my life.

Kunal, here, is Varanasi born and bred.

And I realise if I'm to receive a lot of important information,

I'm going to need potassium.

[James] Would you like a banana, by the way?

[Kunal] Yes, please.

Varanasi is believed to be one of the oldest living cities in the world.

And this is the place where every Hindu would like to come here

at least once in their lifetime to take a dip in the river,

when they take a dip, they believe that they get rid of their sin

of their past life and this life.

Am I right in thinking people who believe they're about to die

will often come to Varanasi in the hope that it happens here.

Oh, certainly, yes, there are a lot of elderly people

who willingly come here just to get that opportunity to die in Varanasi.

There's a strong belief that if somebody dies in this city,

or even if their ashes are sprinkled here,

their soul gets released and liberated from the cycle of birth and death.

Which is the sole spiritual objective of every Hindu... to attain Moksha.

That's what we call it, Moksha.

When you get to Moksha, you are at perfect peace for all eternity?

You are in a state of bliss.

You are one with the Absolute, or Supreme Being, or God.

[James] Not a bad place to find eternal peace.

Two deities are key to Varanasi's importance as a place of pilgrimage...

Lord Shiva, who is said to have established the city,

and Ganga, Goddess of purification and forgiveness,

after whom the river is named.

In this holiest of places, everywhere you look

there are gods of all shapes and sizes.

My senses tell me information overload is approaching.

So here we have a panel...

depicting many gods and goddesses.

We have Lord Brahma on the extreme left,

-with his three faces. -[James] Three faces, yes.

Lord Vishnu, the maintainer, the preserver in the centre.

-Can you spot-- -[long honking sound]

That's the conch shell.

Excuse me, I shouldn't have had the Biryani.

That is the-- [laughter]

It's not a new joke, though.

Sorry, carry on.

[Kunal] The female figure dressed in the sari, that's Goddess Ganga.

She was first taken... hair locks of Lord Shiva

and after when she came down, she came out as a spring of water.

Right.

Kunal tells me there are 33 million gods in Hinduism,

and in a minute he's going to test me on them.

Can you spot the green figure

-sitting on a crocodile? -Yes.

And can you spot a small face

-on top of Lord Shiva? -Yes.

You see the Shiva Lingam right in the centre?

That's his younger brother, Laxman.

That's Garud, which is half-human, half-bird,

and we have the monkey-face God, Hanuman, and his team,

and then we have the nine planets on top.

So we believe that every planet has an impact and influence

on a person's life.

Tell me, how many minutes should I speak on this?

[Tom] Oh, just...

-I think keep it as short as possible. -Okay.

Let me see if I can... so the beginner's version,

because that was a lot of stuff to learn.

So I do have Brahma the Supreme God in the middle...

-Sorry, sorry, on the left. -On the left. Yeah.

And then Shiva, who is...

In the interest of brevity, let's assume I correctly remember

the next 32,999,998 gods.

Okay?

-And Krishna plays the flute... -Exactly.

-...and stands on one leg. Yes! -Yeah.

Can you edit that so it sounds like I knew what I was talking about?

Remembering all those gods has given me a right brain ache.

If only there was a relaxing local solution.

He's Paras. He's going to give you a head massage.

[speaks Hindi]

[James, in English] Really?

Oh, is this Indian head massage?

[Kunal] Yeah, that's correct. Indian head massage.

How's my hair?

[Tom] Terrible.

Good.

Good? He said good.

[James] He's got very strong thumbs.

The great thing about this as well is...

unlike having it done in a hotel health spa,

there are no panpipes.

Thing is, several-- Hang on a minute, I'll just wait till I've got my face back.

Thank you.

Well...

It was actually quite nice.

Actually, my head does feel a bit better.

[panpipes play]

And according to the crew,

my hair is also much improved.

Shame I'm about to mess it up by going on a boat.

[Kunal] The buildings that we see in front of us,

the steps coming down, these are all the ghats.

You see priests performing the rituals in the morning,

kids playing cricket during the day, and there's the aarti ceremony happening.

They play cricket on the ghats?

Yes, they do, that's the national religion, yeah.

Doesn't the ball go in the river?

That's an out. That's a new rule.

[James] Now, it's easy to get swept away

with the hustle and bustle of life along the banks of the Ganges.

But, in Varanasi, death is much closer than you would expect.

I'd like to explain more about the cremation,

which is an indispensable aspect of Varnasi.

That's the main cremation ghat, Manikarnika.

So these are the dead bodies, not only from Varanasi,

but from neighbouring cities and villages, all coming here for the cremation.

How many people a day?

On this ghat, approximately 120 dead bodies a day.

-[James] A day? -[Kunal] Yeah?

And the cremation goes on 24 hours, 365 days in Varanasi.

Friends and family arriving, they will sit somewhere up there,

maybe go and have a cup of tea.

[James] At the risk of sounding terribly British,

I prefer my cuppa with a digestive or a Garibaldi.

In the West, cremating people,

it's quite a private affair behind closed doors.

-But here, it's public, and it's... -[Kunal] That's true.

-[James] You're not squeamish. -[Kunal] No.

When they burn it, they burn it on the ground

the smokes rises in the air, goes to the sky,

and the ashes are finally dropped in the river.

From ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

the physical existence goes back to the elements.

[James] Unfortunately, it was at this point in filming

that we became acutely aware of the physical existence

of half our crew.

[Tom] Our boat that's meant to film us in this boat

seems to have broken down.

It's drifting. It's almost on the opposite bank.

I'm not sure what's happening.

Right, so...

We've only got one camera on this boat, which is Shaun,

who is operating the camera I'm talking to,

everything else, our crew, is on the chase boat,

which is the much bigger one there

with the white awning over it,

and it's broken.

Should we go rescue them?

[Tom] Well, I'm not sure what we can do.

As far as getting the shots we need, we wanted to--

But I thought it was more important that maybe they didn't drown in the Ganges,

which would be bad form.

[Tom] Oh, no, they'll be fine.

Do you want to talk to them?

-Who's on there? Mark? -[Tom] Mark.

Mark, it's James.

[Mark, over radio] Yeah, go on, James.

Are you doomed?

[Mark] No, the engine's started again, so I don't think we have to

swim back in the Ganges, thank God.

[James] Damn.

-So you thank Ganja for that? -Ganga.

Ganga, sorry, not Ganja.

[bells ring]

[prayer song over speakers]

[James] Thanks to Ganga, and a swift kick to the boat's motor,

the rest of the crew arrive back in time for dusk,

when the banks of the river come alive with thousands of people

flocking to one of India's most spectacular events.

The Ganga Aarti Ceremony.

It's a ritual which is performed to worship Mother Ganga,

where there'll be seven priests

standing on these respective platforms, having incense and fire lamps

moving their hands in the symbol of Om, the most sacred symbol in Hinduism.

And also they will move around 360 degrees

worshipping each and every God in every direction.

[James] Before the ceremony begins,

Kunal suggests I head down to the water's edge

to make my own offering, called a Puja,

to Mother Ganga.

It doesn't matter that I'm not a Hindu?

No, Hinduism is very flexible.

We say, "Atithi Devo Bhava," which means "Guest is God".

And we also believe "Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam,"

which means "the whole world is one family."

So, it's all...

It's inviting, it's all embracing.

[James] Thank you.

Good evening.

[priest] Can I please take your name?

-What is your name? Yes. -My name? James.

-Sorry? -James.

-James? -James. Yes.

I'm standing with my feet either side of a very trippy tight piece of rope.

But no one has fallen in yet.

Not sure what this is.

-Is this milk? -Yes, milk, yes.

-I'll pour it in? All of it? -Yeah, yeah.

[chanting in Sanskrit]

[priest, in English] Let's go now. Take your seat, please.

-[James] Okay, thank you. -[priest] Yeah, slowly. Take care.

Have to be careful of this piece of rope.

[fireworks explode]

[James] Having paid my respects, and thanked Ganga that I'm still dry,

I return to my seat.

If I can find it, that is.

[Kunal] How was the experience?

[James] Well, it's amazing.

I couldn't believe we didn't all fall in though.

If you look out there now, you wouldn't know there was a river.

You'd just think there were people sitting.

[Kunal] Yeah, from here it's not visible.

[shell blows]

[James] The ceremony begins with seven priests,

or pandits, blowing conch shells.

In a city so preoccupied with death,

what follows is profoundly life affirming.

[bells jingling]

[background chanting]

[fireworks explode]

[bells continue]

[chanting continues]

[crowd chanting]

[crowd chants]

Now I thought that was a pretty remarkable conclusion

to a visit to a very remarkable city.

It's a Hindu festival, obviously.

There's also quite a lot of general feel-good and euphoria about it.

But I also think there's this...

They're saying... "We know our domestic wiring is a little bit ropey.

We know our autorickshaw driving is quite erratic.

But look, rest of the world,

this is India.

Watch this."

And while we're on the subject, thank you for watching this.

See you in the next one.

Bye.

[gentle sitar music plays]

[bells continue to ring]