Original subtitles

[haunting male vocal]

[boat horn toots]

Hello, viewers.

You've probably guessed, from the enormous building behind me,

that I have just arrived in Mumbai at the Gateway of India.

Ahead of me lies an epic coast-to-coast journey through what may well be

the most colourful country on the planet.

We are going to embrace the modern, the historic, the artistic,

the creative, the cultural...

Namaste. ...the culinary, and the natural,

and it is going to be most excellent.

First of all though, I'm going to head to downtown Mumbai

for an exceedingly refreshing cup of chai whilst you watch the pre-titles.

Enjoy.

[James] Right, you all know the recipe for a travel show.

Avoid cultural misappropriation...

Big Ben?

...use stunning views,

add a traditional soundtrack...

[cheering]

...and show very patient locals.

I got the half-nod, which means, "Mmm."

But this is India and it's different, really different.

We're going in!

It's quite big,

full of contradictions,

surprises...

Goodbye!

...misunderstandings...

Oh, no thank you. I'm...

...chaos...

The table's blowing away, the people are blowing away.

...calm.

Pretty good, huh?

A 3,000-mile quest from coast to coast across very dry bits...

sweaty bits...

There could be a tiger right there.

...high bits...

-[horns blaring] -...and very noisy bits.

Risking my life...

[fireworks exploding]

...his limbs,

and your eyes.

I'll just wait till I've got my face back.

Thank you.

I'll experience ancient rituals...

Are you allowed to hack someone's head off with this

-if they displease you? All right. -No, no way.

[James] ...jokes about the British...

[all laughing]

...and exquisite flavours.

Direct hit.

Pudding?

This is fried bread that has been dipped in sugar syrup!

Really?

I'll encounter the unexpected...

-Would you like to-- -[train horn blares]

...and the sublime.

In a bid to discover why this is

bloody number one most popular tourist destination.

Also, quite a lot of this happens.

[horn blows]

Excuse me, I shouldn't have had the biryani.

[laughter]

[opening theme music]

[elephant trumpets]

[traffic noise, horns blaring]

Now, in the last two Our Man Ins, in Japan and Italy,

I made a journey the length of the country,

but unfortunately India is far too big for that,

so this time I'm going to go across country from West to East,

from the Arabian Sea to the Bay of Bengal,

wandering around a bit as I go and, hopefully,

this will show you most of the important aspects of Indian life.

But I also acknowledge, if you live in Kerala or Chennai or Hyderabad,

or any of the other places that have been tweeting me

over the past three or four days, there is more to India than that.

[horn toots]

Do you know what, I've...

I've been here four or five times in the past but I still feel like

one of those soft westerners arriving for the very first time.

It just feels like India's trying to beat you up.

[James] In order to help me survive the experience,

I've been sent a cultural bodyguard,

a stand-up comedian called Aditi.

She's collected me in India's most effective urban transport solution,

the wheel-deficient auto rickshaw.

[Aditi] Mumbai is the most stressful city in the country to drive in.

In the world, apparently.

You're welcome.

And that is why I am the most relaxed person

because I don't know how to drive.

It's really nice when you get that breeze coming in.

I mean, that's why you would take a rickshaw over a taxi any day of the week,

-even though this is a death trap. -Why is it a death trap?

I don't know if you've noticed the lack of seatbelts.

-Yes. -Erm...

And the lack of general stability.

They don't fall over though, do they?

-You know, they can! -Oh, can they?

[Aditi] Yeah, yeah.

-Here's a question. -Yes.

Why India, James?

Why are you doing this?

-Why are we doing India? -Yeah.

The British have a fascination with India.

You look at the Indian influence in Britain.

The food, obviously, is the big one.

That's completely transformed eating in my lifetime.

Let me tell you, one of my favourite things about meeting

British people of this current generation

is they're very sheepish about the whole 200 years of slavery thing.

Yeah, we're sheepish about everything.

Just like, "That was not me personally but, yeah, that was us."

No, it definitely wasn't me. I'm quite old, but I'm not that old.

Does India still worry about the colonial legacy?

I think we're in a very interesting place as a country

because we're trying to sort of throw off

the shackles of colonialism and sort of step into our own.

And we've been on the crux of being a superpower

-for about three decades now. -Yes.

And actually that's what makes India so endlessly fascinating right now,

is the state of transition.

-[horns blaring] -[James] Good God!

-Of course, it's like-- -That man was suicidal. Did you see that?

That is almost every day. I didn't even register it.

[James] Yeah.

Where are we actually going, by the way?

So, I'm going to be doing a set tonight at the comedy club. Do you want to come by?

I'm going to say yes, but I know what that means.

[Aditi chuckles]

Look, it'd be silly to make fun of you while we are sitting one-on-one,

so I want to do it when other people are watching.

-You want an audience, yes. -Yes!

-Okay, let's see if I laugh, that's the... -Oh! It's on!

[James] Stand-up is enjoying a wave of popularity across India

and Aditi's invited a gaggle of young Mumbai comics along to warm up for her,

all of them briefed to pick on me.

[in Hindi] You guys need to laugh because the pressure is on you now.

The British are here, so you need to laugh,

or else they're going to stay here another 150 years to teach you how to laugh.

[laughter and applause]

Cook your chicken all the way through,

whilst not forgetting to practice safe sex.

He's addressing the food problem and population issue

within a single tweet! Do you get that?

-[laughter and applause] -[man] Yeah.

Wow.

[James, in English] After Mumbai's finest forced me onto the stage

for yet another humiliation,

I'm thankful when it's time for the headline act.

Give it up for Aditi Mittal!

[cheering and whooping]

Good evening! Good evening, good evening, everyone.

[posh British accent] Any British people in the audience tonight?

[James] Oh, God, here we go again.

Oh, my God! You look like you need a comb.

Maybe you could invade a country and get one, I don't know. Erm...

You know, when I was small, I used to write stories.

And all my stories would begin, "And then the sun came out

and I went out to play with my imaginary friends."

And my father was like, "Beta, this is India.

One, the sun is always out.

And two, please stop imagining more people.

There are already 1.3 billion of us."

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

-My name is Aditi. Have a great night. -[cheering and applause]

[James] To be honest, you were quite cruel,

but I was expecting that

and it could have been a lot worse.

If we weren't here, would you still do jokes about people from England

invading a country to get a comb?

Very cheap shot, by the way, but...

You're welcome! Erm...

Maybe not this crowd in particular, 'cos this is like just a bunch of kids,

who are like, "The British people invaded us?"

You know, "It's not on Instagram, so I don't know."

[James] After that mauling at the hands of Aditi and her friends,

I'm keen to see if the city itself is a little more forgiving.

Mumbai is not just the comedy capital of India,

it's also its leading commercial city,

with a booming economy worth over 25 trillion rupees,

or £250 billion a year.

But today I've come to explore a place that, at first glance,

would appear to have missed out on Mumbai's economic miracle.

Right, welcome to Dharavi, popularly referred to as the "slum of Mumbai."

It's an area of just over one-square-mile

and the population density is reckoned to be around

800,000 people per-square-mile,

or over 50 times as dense as London, where I live.

It's thought only a third of the buildings have direct access to fresh water,

ten people living to a room is not uncommon.

But if I could just be a bleeding-heart western liberal for a moment,

largely to reassure myself,

"slum" is a bit negative, because this area is also well-known

for having a low crime rate, for having excellent education

and for being fantastically productive,

because there are about 15,000 small, unlicensed cottage industries in here

and the whole thing has an annual economy of over a billion dollars.

Ready?

Right.

Dharavi dates from the 19th century

and is an unplanned rabbit warren of alleys and streets

crammed with homes, businesses, animals, smells and sounds.

My first destination, a plastic recycling business,

where I meet Vinek, a guide who's lived and worked here all his life.

-Namaste. -Namaste.

[James] What is this?

In this unit they just sort the plastics by colour and they break it here.

This machine is for breaking the plastics.

Right.

[Vinek] And they send this whole plastic to another unit,

where they melt that and break into small, small, new pieces

so that it can be used again to make new plastics.

[James] Right, okay. How much do they produce?

-Ten to twenty tonnes of plastics. -In a month?

-Yeah, yeah. -Wow!

Just drive around and pick up all the plastic on the streets?

Yes, yes, yes.

-[James] I'd like to see this go in there. -[Vinek] Yeah, yeah, it will start.

[loud whirring]

[James loudly] First lesson of India, it's one of the loudest places on Earth.

Right, you were never going to hear what we were saying in there,

plus there was also the revolving sawblade and the arm crusher.

But the turnover per month in there is

-1.5 million rupees a month. -Yes, yes.

So that's £15,000 a month from thrown-away bottles.

-That's quite a big business. -Yes.

But they do need some ear defenders.

'Cos the man on the machine has gone deaf, I can tell that.

-So they need ear defenders. -Yes.

-And safety... -Also the safety gear as well.

[James] Yeah, safety goggles, yes.

-Please. -Yeah.

[James] Dharavi is where Slumdog Millionaire was filmed.

The story of a poor slum-dwelling kid

overcoming the odds, enchanted India and the world.

[goats bleating]

Was Slumdog Millionaire helpful to Dharavi or not, do you think?

[Vinek] Yeah, yeah, somewhat, somewhat.

It introduced to the world what Dharavi is.

Before ten to fifteen years back, it was very muddy,

and nowadays, the roads are quite good, we can say.

[James] Okay, and this is like a main road?

[Vinek] Yeah, yeah.

[James] Okay. But there are some parts that don't have cars in?

-[Vinek] Yeah, yeah, yeah. -[James] Alleyways.

-Too narrow. -[Vinek] Yes, yes, yes.

[Vinek] We are heading to the pottery.

[James] I can tell because it's getting hot.

Yes, yes.

This is a world of very steep staircases, isn't it?

[Vinek] Yes, yes.

Here, at the first floor, they make all small sizes of pots,

cups, like, teacups and all.

-Is that what this is? -Yeah, yeah.

-A cup for tea chai? -Yeah, yeah.

-Are these the ones people throw away? -Yes.

[James] These unglazed clay cups are used everywhere in India.

They're a bit like single-use plastic,

except they're 100% organic and recyclable.

-So they have to make millions of these? -Yes, yes.

A single guy makes 1,500 pieces per day.

Wow! By hand?

Yeah, yeah. They sun dry it here and they take it to the furnace down.

[indistinct chatter]

[James] It looks like a lot of clay for a small pot.

I'm going to sit down to watch this 'cos I enjoy it.

-Can he do this all day? -[Vinek] Yes.

[James] All day, all day?

James, will you be trying it?

-Mm? -Will you try?

-Me? -Yeah.

I've never done this. No, I have done it once in Japan and it was a disaster.

[James] And the trick is to be gentle, yeah?

[Vinek] From the top you have to make a hole.

[classical music]

Gently.

Thus.

I'm trying to make a cup.

But it's turning out more like a saucer.

And then I take...

There.

So I hold it that side and then let it go. Hang on.

No, it hasn't come off. [laughs]

[laughter]

Panic!

-[Vinek] Oh, my God! -Thank you for watching.

[laughter]

I've made an elephant's ear.

[laughs]

That's enough of that. [laughs]

Thank you.

Did you say it's the leather works, the tannery next?

-Yeah. -[James] Okay.

I'm going to try and find it by myself.

-[Vinek] Okay. -[James] If I don't appear,

come and find me.

-Yeah, I will do. -I think it's down there. All right.

[James] Apparently, it's very easy to get lost in the unmapped alleyways of Dharavi,

so I'm going equipped with a 360-degree camera,

which I suspect is fitted with a GPS tracking device,

so the crew can come and find me.

Oh, look at that!

You see, this has about it the beauty of something like an ancient fort

with, you know, crumbly walls, worn uneven paving stones,

strange staircases leading to who knows where.

But it's also inhabited, so there are cooking smells and...

bicycles, people, people laden with materials and food.

Namaste.

Sweets, loads of sweets.

Scooter coming to run over me.

[horn toots]

Right, by my reckoning...

I know roughly where I'm going and I know where the sun is,

so I think if I go left, I'll... Yes.

[clamouring]

Hi, bro. Where are you from?

-England -England. Nice to meet you.

-And you. -Please camera, this side.

-Yeah, this is 360. -360-degree?

Yes. You're in it. You're definitely in it.

Resisting the temptations of the many street food stalls,

and to everyone's surprise,

I manage to locate Imran and his leather workshop,

a booming enterprise that started with the world's smallest business loan.

Your sign says "Since 1977". Is that here?

Yeah. My father started this business with 100 rupees.

That's a pound.

Right. Nothing nowadays, but at that time,

100 rupees, they don't have 100 rupees.

[James] Right. What animal skin is this?

Mostly sheep and goat animal skins we are producing here.

And at a time, 1,000 of the skins we wash in this machine.

[James] Is there an emergency stop? It looks quite dangerous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, emergency stop also it has.

And then what happens after that?

[Imran] After this we are doing colouring.

-Okay, can we see it? -Yeah, yeah, why not?

-[James] Head bang! -[Imran] Yes, John. Be careful.

Come in this side, John.

[James] John?

That must be the local dialect for James.

-[James] Oh, wow! -[Imran] Yes.

This is our colouring work.

-[James] So this is still wet? -[Imran] Yeah.

So it goes washing, drying...

-[Imran] Colouring... -[James] ...colouring...

-...shaving. -...shaving.

This one is the last process, John.

Ironing of the leather.

[James] That's remarkable. I was going to ask you something else.

In English, "slum" is a very negative term but not here?

Yes, yes, yes.

With that thing, we like to show the world

that this slum is different.

It's a hopeful place for migrant people.

They came here, they start up our new, small business.

-Not doing crime, not selling drugs. -Yeah.

And would you ever move out or would you always stay here?

No, we like this slum.

Because here community is very beautiful, very strong community.

If I was sick, so many people asking me, "How are you, Imran? How are you?"

So that sort of thing is very lovely.

So we don't like to go outside.

[James] That's fantastic. Erm...

I'd like to buy a belt. Can we go to your shop? Which I think is...

Yeah, yeah, I'll show my shop off. Yes, come.

Shopping time!

Yes, John, come.

-Ah, coolness. -So, meet my father.

-He is the man who started this business. -Fantastic.

And now he's a success man.

-Do you want to talk with him? -Mm?

If you like to talk with him, have a seat and talk with him.

Does he speak English?

Try it! [laughs]

Good afternoon.

[Imran] Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

[James] And I'd like to buy a belt.

Are they very expensive?

No, here we are selling in factory price with Dharavi brand.

-And you only sell Dharavi brand... -Only here.

We like to make exclusive, not online, not anywhere.

-Is that Dharavi...? -Yeah, D. You have a D logo.

-Yeah, there is the D. -Yes.

And there is the heart for Dharavi love. That's great, isn't it?

[Imran] Dharavi. Dharavi is the heart of Mumbai.

Ta-da!

I'm glad I met Imran, actually, because he's put my mind at rest.

I was, I'll be honest, very uneasy about coming in here this morning.

'Cos I thought, "Am I just going to be another dreary foreigner going and gawping

at people less fortunate than myself?" and all the rest of it.

But actually, what it's revealed is,

although, you know, it's a mess in many ways,

and it's chaotic,

it's actually a very upbeat, very positive place.

It's a miniature land of opportunity almost.

And not a single square-inch is wasted.

-Everything here is producing something. -[machine whirring]

You can hear it now as we're talking.

The place right next door to the leather shop is making clothes.

I've seen a bakery, I've seen metalwork, I've seen absolutely everything in here.

It's incredible.

I am at peace and I have a new belt,

which I've been meaning to buy for about six years.

As the sun sets over Dharavi, John heads back to his hotel.

Tomorrow is my last day in Mumbai

and I'm due to meet a living Bollywood legend.

[horns blaring]

[in Hindi] Good boring you.

[in English] Today, Adi... Was that wrong?

-Yes, it was. -Okay.

Today, Aditi is taking me to the cinema.

That is not a typical modern Indian cinema, is it?

Which would be just like a cinema anywhere else in the world.

This is a relic of the 1880s, originally, when it was a theatre,

and then in the 1930s it became Alfred Talkies,

one of the first talking picture cinemas in all of India,

and it hasn't changed since.

-Right, are you ready? -Let's go.

[James] We've got the green, man, we can cross safely.

[horn toots]

[horn toots]

[James] Just walk and they will know, see?

-Or maybe they won't. -[Aditi] No, they won't!

-[James] Hold on. -Sorry, bhaiya. Sorry.

-[Aditi laughs] -[James] Very brave.

[horns blaring]

How can you watch a film in here with the noise?

Do you ever hear the dialogue?

-[Aditi] You know, with the fans and... -Darling, I lo-- Beep!

[Aditi laughs]

But with the fans, actually, you couldn't hear a lot of the dialogue,

so you had to watch the movie like four times. [laughs]

Oh, wow!

Isn't it incredible?

Are we going to watch a Pathé newsreel about the invasion of Sicily

-or something like that? -[Aditi laughs]

This one is named after Alfred Hitchcock, by the way.

-"Alfred Talkies." -[James] Oh, is that what it is?

I thought Alfred must have just been some bloke who owned it.

I guess "Hitchcock Talkies" would be difficult to pronounce.

Hitchcock Talkies, that's not difficult to say, is it?

Say it five times.

Hitchcock Talkies, Hitchcock Talkies,

-Hitchcock Ch-- Oh, no, you're right. -[Aditi] Yeah! That's right.

[James] Alfred Talkies, Alfred Talkies, Alfred Talkies.

Alfred Talkies, Alfred Talkies.

-Cor! -This is eerie.

It's like Rembrandt's studio.

[Aditi] Have you been to Rembrandt's studio? How old are you?

-[James] No, I haven't. -[Aditi] Okay.

[James] I'm just imagining.

Now this is very unusual these days. The first time I came to India,

which was in the early 1990's,

virtually everything was still hand-painted.

Cinema posters, shop signs, lorries, everything was hand-painted.

But obviously in the '90s, there was the advent of digital printing,

and the whole tradition died out, but it survives here

and there is a man we're going to meet in a moment called Sheikh Rehman.

-He's not here yet. -[director] He is.

-Right, that was great. -He is? Well, I can't see him.

[director] Let's try that one more time. Go straight through this environment.

Sheikh Rehman is around the corner painting.

-Oh, I see. Well, you didn't tell me that. -[director] Yeah.

[director] Sorry. [laughs]

So we go in there, then you can do the piece to camera

-with him painting in the background. -[crewmember] Did Tom not tell you that?

No, he didn't and he could have stopped me straight away

when I was obviously... Just let me carry on fucking it up.

I didn't realise you were going to do such a massive spiel.

What do I normally do? I come on and I say, "Painting! Let's get on with it."

[director] Right, let's do it again.

There should be a man in here somewhere. There he is!

Can you go, "Ahem!" in Hindi?

-I think it's "ahem" in all languages. -Okay. Ahem!

-Namaste. -Namaste.

[in Hindi] My name is Aditi and this is James.

-[in English] Hello. -Pleasure, sir.

-Please continue. -Okay.

Now, Sheikh Rehman is a Bollywood poster painter

and Mr Rehman has been doing it since he was 13 years old.

He is now 73 and he's one of the last experts remaining.

[James] Sheikh Rehman has worked on some of Bollywood's greatest ever films

and his posters remain as iconic as the movies they portray.

-Do you know this film? -Yes.

This is actually one of the most eternal, enduring classics

of Indian cinema, Mughal-e-Azam.

It's one of the greatest stories of unrequited love.

-[in Hindi] Mr Rehman? -Yes.

-Can we do this as well? -Why not? Go for it.

Oh, great!

[in English] Yes, he says why can't we do it.

[James] What, you and me are going to attempt to paint a Bollywood poster?

-[Aditi] We can try. -[James] Can you paint?

Not even remotely. It's not among my talents.

-No, me neither. -[exclaims]

Thank you.

The master himself has handed you a brush.

Shouldn't we start with a pencil and sketch it out?

[in Hindi] Mr Rehman, could we get a pencil, please?

And, sir, could you please draw something small for us?

-[in English] A horse is being made. -[James] A horse.

[Aditi] That's right.

[James] Is that gonna be me?

-That's a pretty good... -That's you!

That's a pretty good horse he's sketched out in ten seconds.

I think we should leave it like that, it's fine.

If it's you on the horse, it'll be less Mughal-e-Azam and more Lagaan.

-Okay? [chuckles] -More what?

More Lagaan. Lagaan is a movie about the Britishers invading India

and taking taxes.

Why do you always bring that up?

You know, it's a thing that happened.

[in Hindi] Is this chalk? Or charcoal, Mr Rehman?

Charcoal stick.

Charcoal stick!

Oh-ho!

Oh-ho!

What his body language said there was, you get on with that and leave me alone.

[Aditi] Yes, yes, yes.

[James] So, here's your brush. We need some paint.

Wait, let me... Let me, er...

-Interrupt him again? -Yes.

[in Hindi] Mr Rehman, could I get a bit of the blue colour, please?

I have given you blue colour on that brush.

Oh, does this brush have a blue colour?

-Yes, it has the colour. -Okay, I will paint it then.

[James, in English] Yeah, yeah.

James, nobody wants to see me painting.

-This is not... [laughs] -[James] I do!

-[James] He's fed up with us. -[Aditi] He's already done.

[James] So, the light is coming from there.

[Aditi laughs]

So, this side of my face would actually...

[Aditi] Clearly, this is not a job for me.

-Clearly. -It's clearly not job for me either.

[Mr Rehman, in Hindi] M. F. Hussain used to work here with me.

M. F. Hussain used to work here with you?

Yes, he used to work here.

[in English] M. F. Hussain used to work here.

[Mr Rehman] I have proof. I am not lying.

[in English] You know M. F. Hussain?

-Yes. -Um...

M. F. Hussain is one of the most celebrated Indian painters...

um, of all time.

[in Hindi] Are you still in touch with him?

-He passed away a while back. -[Aditi] I mean, sorry... [laughs]

What are you saying?

[in English] I asked him, do you still talk to him.

He's, like, he's dead.

He's dead.

[in Hindi] I'll have to also go to heaven to talk to him.

[phone rings]

-[Mr Rehman, in English] Hello? -And so, M. F. Hussain used to paint

-movie posters right here. -[Mr Rehman] Hello.

[in Hindi] There is a lady here.

She is nice and beautiful, but she says some weird things.

[Aditi laughing]

The lady is beautiful. Her voice is beautiful, but...

[in English] He's like, "There's a lady over here.

She is very nice, her face is very nice but she's talking rubbish."

[Mr Rehman, in Hindi] She is asking if I am in touch with a dead person.

[in English] Yes, yes, I could have told you that.

[Mr Rehman, in Hindi] How can someone talk to a dead person?

[in English] Sorry, Mr Rehman, sorry!

[James] We leave our poster behind,

in case Bollywood ever makes a film about a man with a triangular head.

-[in Hindi] Thank you. -[in English] Okay, bye.

And Aditi and I finally sit down to catch up with the news

of the Sicily campaign.

-[applause] -[Aditi laughs]

-[James] He's the hero? -He's the villain, he's the villain!

[upbeat raga music]

[James] My time in Mumbai is nearly up.

But before I go, Aditi has set up a mystical encounter.

Fortune telling is a big deal in India

and I'm hoping to find out what lies ahead for me on my daunting journey.

I think he'll say that I'm going to be slightly fat

and have slightly stiff bones in my back. Is this it?

-That's it. -Oh, wow, that's good.

Come on in.

-Hello. -[man] Namaste.

-[in Hindi] Greetings, Panditji. -Greetings.

-[in English] Right, shoes off. -[Aditi] Yes.

[priest speaking Hindi]

[translating in English] So, he's saying for the next seven weeks,

just like animals that keep wandering around the jungle,

you too will be wandering around a lot.

Okay.

[speaking Hindi]

[translating] You're gonna have a lot of relationships

with animals after this.

[speaking Hindi]

[Aditi translating] He says, like a star, you will shine.

But he also said that you get distracted easily.

[James] Yeah, okay.

[James] Fortune telling in India is a billion-pound business.

That's a lot of money to be told things that I already know.

Or do I?

[speaking Hindi]

[translating] He's saying on your left shoulder

there is a mole or a beauty spot

and that has been the reason for your fame.

[speaking Hindi]

[in English] Have I?

Check, check, check.

Excuse me.

[Aditi and priest speaking Hindi]

[in English] On either shoulder he's saying.

Look away.

I'm just looking for my fame mole.

[priest speaking Hindi]

-[in English] Oh, there is one there. -On the left one.

[speaking Hindi]

[in English] I mean, I never thought I would be doing this but here we are. Ah!

You're got a fame mole! You've got a fame mole.

[James] I'm beginning to believe that my fortune teller does have psychic powers.

I think he saw me coming.

Can you ask him, will I be run over by an auto rickshaw.

[priest speaking Hindi]

[translating] He's saying there are three or four dangers in your life right now.

Right.

[speaking Hindi]

[translating] Your first danger is fire,

your second danger is water,

your third one is an accident,

and fourth is the possibility of illness.

-Are they all going to happen? -Yes.

[James] These predictions seem to conveniently cover

more eventualities than an Amazon risk assessment.

You're not taking this very seriously.

I'm sorry!

Well, that's more than enough to worry about, I think, so...

[Aditi] Thank you so much, Panditji.

Thank you. It's excellent, very revealing.

[James] With the fortune teller's warnings

about pretty much everything ringing in my ears,

it's time to leave Mumbai and hit the road.

[horns blaring]

And to protect me on my apparently highly perilous journey,

I'm swapping out Aditi, my comic guide,

for a spiritual one,

in the form of Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesh.

Right, there's my Ganesh, on the dashboard.

There's already a Ganesh in here, obviously,

because the driver has one, but that's his Ganesh.

This is my Ganesh, affixed there with black tack,

beloved of the film crews.

It's awful stuff, it ruins your clothes, it ruins cars.

I absolutely hate it, but all of a sudden it's supporting a whole belief system.

Anyway, Mahatma Gandhi said that goodness travels at a snail's pace,

although today we are in a bit of a hurry so we're in the Toyota.

[James] With Lord Ganesh, the bringer of luck, warding off disaster,

I travel 500 miles north to Rajasthan

and the magnificent city of Udaipur.

[classical Indian music]

Oh, that's better.

I mean, Mumbai is fascinating

but it's nice to get away from the chaos,

and the heat, and the smog, and all that horn blowing.

This is Udaipur.

It is India's city of romance.

It's what Venice is to Italy, or Sheffield is to England.

It's going to be a truly lovely day.

[James] Anyway, I've come here to try my hand

at an activity that predates the city itself.

The ancient art of flying kites.

I've been invited to a sun-drenched lakeside spot

to meet India's reigning champion

and professional kite botherer, Abdul Kadir.

Perhaps you'd like to spin round, camera people,

and have a look at the shabbiness of our kite-making location,

which is a beautiful garden complete with a convenient dining table.

And Abdul has brought all this material.

Are we're going to make the big kite first?

Do we need the big sticks?

Yes, big sticks.

I'm guessing... I don't know.

I'm guessing we're going to need the scissors.

-Yes, yes, scissors. -Yes.

[tense music]

[whispers] It's raining.

Is the weather good?

Very, very. Yes.

[in Hindi] The weather is beautiful.

[in English] Is there a bit of breeze?

And don't forget, this is the work of a world champion,

so it is going to fly really well.

Sorry that we put it down in the bit of cow shit that was on the garden,

but that won't affect the aerodynamic performance.

It is raining.

Are these your kite friends?

-[Abdul] Yes, my friends. -Yes.

The giveaway was that they're all carrying kites.

Very pretty ones as well, look at this. Have a look.

Here comes the kite contingent.

[James] Abdul, I'm worried about the weather.

-[thunder rumbles] -Abdul seems blissfully unconcerned

by the gathering storm clouds.

This kite is made out of nothing, really,

some bamboo sticks, a bit of glue, a bit of string,

a bit of nylon, but it's a very living thing.

When you touch it, especially now that the breeze has picked up,

it sort of trembles and quivers a bit,

like it's dying to get away.

"We are but kites," said an Indian poet,

and God is the string, or in this case, Abdul.

-Are we ready to go? Can we go? -Yes. We fly.

-Okay? -Continue. I'm releasing now.

["Messa da Requiem" by Verdi plays]

That's all right, he knows what he's doing. He's a kite expert.

[James] But evidently not a weather expert.

Oh, it's getting too windy. Oh, no, it's face planted.

The table's blowing away, the people are blowing away.

Keep flying the kite, Abdul, I'm gonna help with the tidy up operation.

[Abdul speaking indistinctly]

[James] Oh, no, no!

Oh, this is a disaster.

-[Abdul yelling] -[James] Part-finished kite there.

[Abdul] It's okay, okay!

[James] How can we manage to balls up

something as simple as flying a kite on a nice day?

It's unbelievable.

Right, gazebo! Okay, do you want me to carry something?

Sure.

[wind blustering]

Right, situation update, it's raining.

So, we're hiding in the lavatories whilst it blows over.

[director] There's things flying off. We've lost half the roof in here.

I think we can salvage the scene.

-Do you? -Yeah, I think so.

But we might just have to wait for it to blow over, I reckon.

-[thunder rumbles] -[James] It was so lovely when it started.

The garden was beautiful.

The sun was out, you could hear birds.

[director] Can't hear you. What? What?

[James] Who could have foreseen all that water?

No one.

Well, apart from that fortune teller bloke back in Mumbai.

After an hour or so cowering in the bogs,

the returning sun means it's time

for Abdul to show why he's the number one in the kite world.

It's a suitcase of kites, they're already attached to each other

and very carefully folded in, and Abdul releases them one at a time

and gets them flying and then he can release another one and it's pulled up.

The more kites you have going up, the more lift you're getting,

but also the heavier the line becomes.

[Abdul, in Hindi] Pull it down and break it. Further down.

[in English] But he reckons he can get a hundred up.

The wind is better as you go high.

I think that's 23 kites, that's almost a quarter of the way there.

If he relaxes, they turn to complete chaos.

But with a little tug they all go back into line again.

Can I feel the tension in the string there?

Yes, one by one. One by one, go.

-Okay? -Yep.

[James] But don't leave me.

Oh, yes, it's got a nice pull in it.

It feels good.

[Abdul speaking in Hindi]

[in English] Abdul? Don't do that.

Abdul? Abdul? Where's he gone?

Do you think the rest of the people in Udaipur look out of the window

and go, "Ah, Abdul's out."

[Abdul] It is good. Good wind, good wind, very nice colour.

-[James] It's beautiful, yeah. -[Abdul] Yes.

[James] So far it's very impressive.

But Abdul's also a champion in another discipline,

the cutthroat sport of kite fighting.

-Can I go? Go. -[Abdul] Okay. Yes!

-[James] Yes. shall I take the...? -[Abdul] Okay.

More, more, more, more.

Woo, did you see that go?

-Can you have a battle with this kite? -Yes.

-With another kite? -Yes.

[James] Fighting kites have thin cotton strings coated in rice starch

to make them brittle.

Okay.

The aim is simple, outmanoeuvre your opponent and cut their string.

[James] Right, are you ready for kite fighting?

-Abdul, ready? Ready? -Yes.

-Three, two, one, go! -[Abdul] Okay.

[tense music]

[James] Abdul's picked his favourite kite to take on the one I helped build.

Basically, it's my Red Baron versus his Snoopy.

[James] The red kite has a slight altitude advantage,

which we know from World War I, dog fighting is good.

Oh, no, the dog's taken a bit of a dive.

Climb, Abdul, climb.

It's a very serene battle.

Oh, hang on, dog's got his string. He's going for it.

He's going for the line. Going for the--

[Abdul, in Hindi] The kite has been cut!

[James, in English] Oh, yes!

Kite down.

Hang on, it's gonna land in the lake.

Oh, dear, that kite carried our hopes and aspirations

and now it's in the drink.

-Congratulations. It's very good. -Okay.

I think I quite like kite fighting as a spectator sport.

It does give you a stiff neck, though.

[James] I say my farewells to Abdul,

borrow a bike and head into old-town Udaipur for a very special event.

Tonight is Holika Dahan, or Holy Eve.

It's the beginning of one of the biggest festivals in the Hindu calendar.

It starts with setting fire to the place.

Ah, here we go, you see, there's a bonfire.

[tense raga music]

And now to negotiate the Udaipur roundabout.

-[horns honking] -You can go round it any way you want.

I got away with that.

[bike bell rings]

Helmet on, mate.

-[man] Happy Holi, sir! -Happy Holi.

Wow, look at the shrine thing there.

Right, down here and left at the noise.

Hello.

[James] All over the town the locals are building bonfires.

And as the sun sets, it all starts with a bang.

[fireworks exploding]

They're anointing the fire with...

-[fireworks exploding] -[yelps]

...special holy things and any second now they should light it.

Presumably everybody runs for it, I don't know.

[James] After his water prophesy,

the fortune teller also warned me about the dangers of fire.

But director Tom insists it's crucial to tell the story

behind this centuries-old celebration.

-[fireworks exploding] -Jesus.

Ow!

[inaudible]

Obligatory health warning,

don't stand next to an exploding bonfire

while trying to explain Hindu theology, kids.

They're all insane.

-[fireworks exploding] -[yelps]

Right, the reason...

the reason I've cycled into town tonight

is to witness the start of the Hindu festival,

the festival of Holika Dahan,

and the story goes like this.

Holika was an evil demoness who had a nephew, Prahlada,

who was unreasonably obsessed with Lord Vishnu

and this annoyed his dad,

so he sent his sister, i.e., Holika, to, sort of, do him in.

And the way she planned to do this was to lure him towards a giant bonfire

where he would be consumed by the flames.

Now, for her protection, she had a magical shawl,

but at the last minute, Lord Vishnu summoned up a gust,

which plucked it from her shoulders

and put it onto Prahlada so he was saved and she was burnt to a crisp.

And if that sounds quite harsh,

well, she was an evil soc... sorceress,

so she was asking for it, your honour.

There are bonfires all over the town, they're lit in sequence.

That was the first one, the next one is down there.

It goes all round the town with fireworks and instant death and annihilation.

The big party starts tomorrow,

but by then the place will be reduced to cinders, so good luck with that.

-[fire cracking] -[fireworks exploding]

[classical Indian music]

[James] The next morning dawns clear and quiet.

Udaipur hasn't burnt down

and neither is there any sign of a big party.

Today we are celebrating the Hindu festival of Holi,

whose origins are very, very complicated.

But, in reality,

it's a little bit like Easter is in Christianity, it's a bit of a party.

The whole city will come together, the shops are closed and so on.

It's joining together in communal love, spirituality and mindfulness.

That's the word we would use.

It's going to be absolutely delightful.

The first sign that something is going to happen

is when a group of agitated cyclists turns up,

looking for that bike I borrowed last night.

[drumming, shouting]

They are actually a cycling club.

It's the first cycling team that's definitely needed a drug test,

by the looks of things.

And what starts off with a few drummers,

bicyclists and snake charmers blowing their pungis,

soon develops into... this.

[pumping dance music]

[cheering]

Like religious festivals the world over,

this festival of Holi celebrates many common themes,

obvious ones such as light,

changing of the seasons, the passage of the moon,

the triumph of good over evil,

and also, of course, if we can just return to Hinduism very briefly,

it's also about the love between Krishna and Radha.

Krishna...

[James] That bloody fortune teller's at it again!

This time an accident caused by our over enthusiastic visiting Amazon commissioner.

It also celebrates the love of Krishna and Radha,

and legend had it that

Krishna was very envious of Radha's perfect pale complexion.

So as a prank, he painted her face.

And that is the origin of the powders that they...

Oh, just get on with it, go on.

[man] Happy Holi.

[James] Thank you.

Welcome to Holi!

-Happy Holi. -[all] Happy Holi!

[cheering]

[pumping dance music]

[James] Now, I was hoping to deliver some more revealing insights,

but our cameras are getting completely covered in paint.

Sorry, it's a bit messy.

[James] Oh, well, let's just party on.

[pumping dance music]

As Gandhi said,

"Act fearlessly upon what one believes to be right."

Right, time to leave.

I'd actually like to apologise to India.

Because we're not doing much in this episode to dispel the notion

that your country is a complete madhouse.

-[man] Happy Holi! -[James] Thank you.

-[whistling] -[drumming]

There is a lot of dust came off of me.

-Which country? -England.

-England. Mexico! -Yes.

[James] No, I'm gonna get one in a minute.

I am India, from Agra, city of Taj Mahal.

[James] Sorry, we've got to go.

I'm just gonna borrow a line from Tom, "Let's have lunch."

[crew laughing]

[James] Lesson two of India.

Yes, it's colourful,

and the colours endure even after washing your hair four times.

Well, viewers, I hope you've enjoyed episode one of Our Man In India.

I did say right at the beginning that if you're a foreigner,

India always seems to be trying to beat you up.

And it has. But let's look on the plus side,

at least I now look like my little pony.

Thank you for watching, as ever, you flatter me.

And if you're binge watching this,

I'll see you again in about 15 seconds. Bye.

[classical Indian music]

I can't get it out, Tom.

[crew laughing]