All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm s12e03 Vertical Drop, Horizontal Tug.eng

? ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(SIGHS)
That's a long flight, man.

Long flight. Yeah.

-Whew!
-Brutal.

PASSERBY: Hey, Larry, I see you.

Keep fighting for us.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

-Huh? How 'bout that?
-Hero.

My people showing you
fucking love, Larry.

-(CHUCKLES)
-SIENNA MILLER: Larry David?

Oh my God, it's Larry David!

-Sorry, I'm Sienna Miller.
-Yeah, I know.

I can't believe I'm seeing you.

I've just been
watching you on the news.

-How crazy is this, right?
-SIENNA: It's crazy.

So insane.

Well, thank you, on behalf
of everybody who has a heart.

PASSERBY 2: Hey, Larry!
Good job!

-Hey!
-(SIENNA CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I cannot believe
that I've bumped into you.

It's bashert.

-Bashert.
-(CHUCKLES SLIGHTLY)

-Where'd you get that from?
-Pretty good, huh?

-Yeah, pretty good.
-(CLICKS TONGUE)

-Bye, Larry.
-Bye.

Keep in touch.

Oh!

? (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ?

LARRY DAVID: Keep in touch?

You saw that? Sienna Miller,
she was flirting with me,

-was she not? Huh?
-Saw that shit. Yup.

This is a once
in a lifetime opportunity,

but because of Irma,
there's nothing I can do.

-Yeah.
-It's such a waste, really.

-LEON BLACK: Yup.
-Sienna Miller, my God.

-How's that bagel?
-Fucking great, man.

You know what?
I'm not gonna eat this.

Hmm.

Think I'll give it to that guy.
What do you think?

If it's in your heart,
you do it.

Hey, you want a bagel?

Yeah.

No! No, no, no, no, no!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Thanks, man.

? (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-Fluke!
-Oh my God.

-IRMA KOSTROSKI: It's fluke!
-What are you doing?

-What's the matter with you?
-I got "fluke" in three.

LARRY: What are you
shouting it out for?

-I'm a genius. It's a talent.
-Fluke? Who does that?

It's so rude.
It's so disrespectful.

It's like sneezing
in someone's face.

You just ruined our day.

-I'm going to an AA meeting.
-This is crazy.

No, you would
never have gotten it.

-I would've got it.
-I had to help you with "vulva,"

-remember?
-I know vulva.

-IRMA: Uh-huh.
-That's a great car.

No, it's not a car.

It's one of the
safest cars out there.

You never would've gotten fluke.

Hey, don't do that again.

You never would've gotten it.

-I would've got it.
-IRMA: Oh, get over it!

Such a shitty thing to do.

-She's something else, man.
-LARRY: Yeah.

(CHAIR SQUEAKS)

? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ?

(LARRY SCREAMS)

What the hell? Come on!

I just saw your balls!

They're hanging out
with those shorts! What is that?

Just swivel back. Swivel back.

Oh my God.
What's with those shorts?

What is it about my balls
that bother you like this?

Everything.
Balls are disgusting. They're hideous.

It's like the elephant man
under your penis.

I think the brain
and the balls are related.

If you take a magnifying glass
and you put it on your balls,

it's the same pattern
as the brain.

That's why people say
you're thinking with your dick.

You know,

every now and then
you say something so stupid,

-but it actually makes sense.
-Of course it makes sense.

All right,
I'm getting out of here.

LEON: Where you going at?

You know Duane Tubman next door?

Yeah, yeah, Tubman.

His father just died.

Oh. (EXHALES SHARPLY)

Hey, you give him
my deepest condolences.

LARRY: I don't know, I feel like
I should go over

and pay my respects
or something.

You know, it always helps to be

on good terms
with your neighbor.

-(CHAIR SQUEAKS)
-LEON: That's right.

All right, okay. You know what?
I just got another glimpse.

Honestly,
that one was on purpose!

? (JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Uh, very... yeah.

Uh, so... yeah. Sorry.

Ah. Yeah. Mm. Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry. So sorry.

-Hey.
-Oh.

Larry, thank you so much
for coming.

Of course. Hey, this is
what neighbors do, right?

We have each other's backs.
Come on.

Yeah. By the way,
I was really touched

-by what you did in Atlanta.
-You know what?

Coming from a Tubman, I take
that as a great compliment.

Okay.

Anyway, very sorry to hear
about your father.

Thank you. Well,
father-in-law, but thank you.

Ah. Really?

-DUANE TUBMAN: Yeah.
-I thought it was your father.

No, it's Lorraine's.

-Father-in-law?
-Yeah.

-LARRY: All right.
-DUANE: Yes.

Well, that's, you know...
That's a...

That's a little better.

Well, it's my father-in-law.
It's a loss.

Duane, of course
it's a loss, but...

-You know, it's not your dad.
-Larry, it's a human being.

Yeah, yeah, of course.
I know that.

I'm just trying to delineate
the differences

between a father
and a father-in-law.

-It's a very sad thing.
-Terrible loss for your wife,

but...

-Your dad's still alive?
-Yeah.

-Oh, well, there you go.
-Yeah, that's a gift.

Yeah. And you know,
it's like if you have a dog

-and your dog dies, and then...
-I'm sorry, did you say a dog?

Yeah, a dog.
Okay, say your dog dies,

that's one thing.
That's-- that's terrible.

But if your friend's dog dies,
it's not quite the same.

-Okay.
-But anyway,

is your wife around? Lorraine?
Is she here? Can I talk to her?

-Maybe we just let her rest.
-Okay.

Will you tell her
how sorry I am about her dad?

Are you? Because
it doesn't really sound like it.

Between you and me,
my condolences

aren't quite as deep
as the average person's.

I'm picking that up.

Yeah, it's like people telling
each other they love them. That kind of thing.

"Sorry" is in that kind
of category.

-"I'm sorry." "I love you."
They're the same. -DUANE: Okay.

They're interchangeable, really.
Nobody means it.

-"I love you." Oh. (BABBLES)
-Nobody means it?

-No.
-Of course people mean it.

Nah, nobody means it.

But, um, anyway, are you sure
Lorraine's not around?

I'm positive.

Got enough food and everything?

Can I get you some bagels
and, uh, and lox?

No, I think we're good.

-Do you like a bagel?
-There are a lot of people here.

-Ah.
-So I'm gonna...

-I'm picking up on that cue.
-Yeah.

Of course. Of course.

Actually, Larry,
um, there's one thing.

I wanted to talk to you
about the lemon tree.

-The lemon tree?
-DUANE: Yeah.

Along the fence.
It's back there.

-It's given us so many lemons
over the years. -Oh, the one that hangs

-over my yard and... yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah.

The roots,
they're damaging my pipes,

so we gotta do something
about this tree.

Don't worry about the research.
I'll look into it.

I'll get an estimate,
we'll sit down,

and we'll split the cost

-of the tree maintenance...
-(SCOFFS)

...and we can keep enjoying
these lemons.

Split the cost of the tree?

Duane. I mean,
you know, come on.

It's your tree.
It's on your side.

It's our tree.

-It's not our tree.
-Let me get this right.

So it's... it's our tree
when you want lemons,

and it's my tree
when we have to take care of it and maintain it.

I want some lemons?
I don't want lemons.

You think
I need lemons in my life?

I can go the rest of my life
without touching a lemon.

No lemons for life.

I put it on a piece
of fish occasionally.

What're you gonna substitute
for lemons?

-A grapefruit.
-A grapefruit?

-Yeah.
-You're gonna put grapefruit on fish?

Yeah, I've put
grapefruits on fish.

When?

Okay, I haven't
actually put it on,

but I've thought about it.

-Really?
-Yeah.

My point is lemons
are a fungible citrus.

Just look around the room. Okay?
We've suffered a loss.

Eh, you lost
your father-in-law.

DUANE:
I'd appreciate you stepping up

and being a neighbor
and paying for half

-of this tree maintenance.
-Sure, yeah.

-Thank you for coming out.
-Hm.

Alright.

-? (BROODING MUSIC PLAYS) ?
-(SCOFFS)

Had I known
that it was his father-in-law,

I never would've gone
to the house in the first place.

-No.
-LARRY: And this lemon thing.

By the way, you know, he's
a descendant of Harriet Tubman.

Well, you'd think his ancestors
would be ashamed of him

that he would come after you
for something like that.

You know, the lemons drop,
what am I supposed to do?

-Right!
-Throw 'em back over the fence?

This person's a Tubman
in name only.

You know what?
Maybe he's not even a Tubman.

'Cause I can't imagine a Tubman

behaving like this.

You know the cruel irony
of this, right?

You're being railroaded.

-Oh my God.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-It's nuts!
-Hello!

-(CHUCKLES) Hey!
-Hi. Sorry we're late.

-Hey!
-Hey. (CHUCKLES) Hi.

Susie, we have
something for you.

What? What? What is it?

CHERYL DAVID: Since
you were away on your birthday.

SUSIE: Now? You want me
to open it now?

-Are you ready?
-Yeah.

-Hey, hey, wait a second.

We-- No, no, there's other--
there's other presents here.

-I know, but this
is really important. -No, you'll understand.

This'll make sense
in one minute.

That's not fair.

-I'm scared, what is it?
-Happy birthday.

(SUSIE GREENE GASPS)

-Oh my God!
-(TED DANSON LAUGHS)

-FREDDY FUNKHOUSER: Oh, wow.
-TED: Yes.

CHERYL: Isn't he the cutest
thing you've ever seen, Susie?

Oh, he's beautiful.

CHERYL: Susie, he loves you!

-Yes! Oh my God!
-Beautiful. Beautiful.

This is the best
birthday present

I've ever got. I love you two.

-Oh, we love you, too.
-You're the greatest friends.

(SUSIE BABBLES)

(LAUGHS) You know, uh,
we have a present, too.

IRMA: We have something, too.

-Thank you so much. What is it?
-Well, look.

-What is that?
-A Theragun.

-What's that?
-Larry got it for you.

-Oh, yeah.
-Thank you, Larr. (BABBLES)

-Theraguns, they're great.
-You ever use one of these?

(MUMBLES) No, I haven't.

-(BABBLES)
-They're good for your health.

Good, I look forward to it.

That's a hell of a gift,
by the way.

I'm gonna go get him some water.
He's probably thirsty.

-CHERYL: Yeah.
-He's been in that box.

-I'd like a Theragun.
-(SUSIE BABBLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

SUSIE: So food good?
Everybody happy?

Oh, the food is amazing,
as always.

Freddy, you're not...
you're not vegan now, right?

FREDDY: No, no,
I like the chicken.

-'Cause you're
looking fantastic. -That's so nice of you to say.

Really, it's just been a little
bit of SoulCycle, some walking,

and I've been having a lot
of sex with my neighbor's wife.

-Whoa!
-(CHUCKLES) What?

Come on.

Yes. My neighbors,
the Harringtons, Lydia and Ron.

She wants to have a baby.

Turns out Ron is not capable.
She can't get pregnant.

-Blanks. Shooting blanks.
-FREDDY: Right.

So they say,
"Freddy, we would love it

if you could get
Lydia pregnant."

(ALL CLAMORING)

-Wow!
-Hold on. Hold on.

-That's crazy.
-CHERYL: Come on.

They think the baby's
gonna be healthier

if there's really a connection
that happens during intercourse.

I can't even believe it.

-This gets weirder.
-LARRY: What?

So I say, "Yes."
They say, "Terrific.

How's tonight work?
She's ovulating tonight."

And what they say to me is,
"Here's how it's gonna work."

'Cause there's rules.
They want boundaries.

Keep it kind of clinical.
But guess what happens?

-What happens?
-When the shit gets lit up,

there's no goddamn rules.

-(LAUGHTER)
-You know what I mean?

She comes in the door,
and it's on.

-Wow.
-(LAUGHS)

I mean, we do it at my house
on the Funk-O-Matic.

SUSIE: Oh, wow.

We're biting butts.
We're-- we're biting ears.

This is fucking crazy.

It's some of the best sex
I've ever had in my life.

And she loves her husband?

She's 100 percent in love
with her husband.

Do you give her a climax?

-Well, I don't know.
-How would you not know?

-I don't ask.
-IRMA: Do you smell musk?

The sex musk you release
is great for conception.

I release a lot of sex musk.
Don't I, Larry?

-(EXHALES SHARPLY)
-I mean--

-(PUPPY CRYING)
-Oh, puppy!

(SINGSONGS) ? Puppy ?

-JEFF GREENE: Oh, puppy.
-SUSIE: Where's my little boy?

I'm gonna make a toast here.
I don't mind, I have a mocktail.

-Sure.
-Okay.

Because I'm sober.

-And cheers to that.
-Cheers to that.

You want a sip? You want a sip?

-That's very funny. Very funny.
-ALL: Aww...

Oh my goodness.

Okay, so I decided what
we're gonna name him.

-TED: What's that?
-CHERYL: Yeah?

-Frankie, after Sinatra.
-Oh, that's cute.

-That's a boy?
-It's a little boy.

I gotta say, for a male dog,
it looks a tad effeminate.

CHERYL: Oh my God. Come on.

I think you better
get that dog a pronoun.

-CHERYL: Larry.
-? (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

JIMMY: Okay, Troy, three steps
we're gonna work on.

First, rotation
on the backswing.

Back to the target. Beautiful.
Okay. That's the first piece.

Second piece,
same rotation, that backswing.

Okay, up to the top and stop.

Nice. Okay, now here's
the master move, okay?

Next piece, from there,
we go vertical drop. Okay?

Horizontal tug. Nice.

Can you feel it with
the obliques there?

One more time.

Up to the top.
Feel the rotation.

Vertical drop.

Horizontal tug.

Hey. Can I help you?

Nah, I'm good.

Okay, uh, got a...
private lesson with Troy here.

Yeah, yeah. Go.

Hey, look,
if you wanna book a lesson,

just call the golf shop.

They'll be happy
to set something up for you.

Nah, I'm good.
I'm just sitting here.

Well, it didn't look like you
were just sitting.

I saw the vertical drop,
horizontal tug.

There's a bench here.
I'm allowed to sit on a bench.

-It's not that kind of bench.
-What kind of bench is it?

It's not
a lingering bench, okay?

It's-- it's an aesthetic bench.
Okay?

-LARRY: An aesthetic bench?
-Yeah.

No. Benches are for sitting.

Okay. We're gonna get back to
the lesson, if you don't mind.

-Please.
-JIMMY: Let's try it again.

The rotation.

Okay, stay in your spine angle.
Now vertical drop,

horizontal tug.
Yeah, there it is.

Okay, let's try one.
Altogether, one piece.

? (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

I did Wordle again today.

I'm a Wordle wizard, man.
I did it in three tries.

-Really?
-Three days in a row, man.

Wow, you're really
on a good streak.

I'm on a huge streak.
That's right.

All right, let's see
if I can continue my streak.

I know.
You've been unbelievable.

What is this all about?
How are you doing this?

You know why? I sat on a bench
this morning

and overheard a lesson.

I've had thousands
of hours of lessons.

Two minutes on that bench.
This guy changed my life.

What kind of tips?

-Vertical drop...
-Yeah.

Horizontal tug!

-Horizontal tug?
-Vertical drop,

horizontal tug!

Now, I've dropped before,
but I've never tugged!

And now I'm tugging!

-Maybe I should tug.
-You gotta tug!

-Can you teach me how to tug?
-I'll teach you how to tug!

This is fantastic.

-Can I tell you something?
-Sure.

I think this is the happiest
I've ever been in my life!

I don't even know
who I'm looking at right now.

How is something good
happening to me?

No one on the planet
would believe that you're happy.

-How is this possible?
-Well, I have better news for you.

I'm leaving you in my will.

I'm tweaking it,
and you're in it.

No, no, no, don't do that.

It's done. You're in.

I don't wanna be in.
I have money. I don't need it.

Give it to someone who needs it.

When I die, I want you to know
how much I cared about you.

I'm not gonna keep it.
I'm gonna give it to charity.

You're my best friend.
You're getting it.

No, I'm making
a Shermanesque statement

about the will right now.

I'm sick of
your historical references.

If nominated, I will not run.

If bequeathed,
I will not accept.

-Well, I'm bequeathing.
-Well, I'm not accepting.

-Well, you'll have to accept.
-Don't give it to me!

Don't hurt my feelings.

I'm not gonna
keep a penny of it.

-You're hurting me.
-Thank you, but I don't want it.

RICHARD LEWIS: I'm giving it
to you anyway, pal.

LARRY: Oh my God. Fuck you!

What are you doing?

-What do you mean? I'm waiting.
-JEFF: For what?

Troy and Jimmy
are on the fairway.

You're never gonna hit them.

You don't think
I could hit them?

No! You've never hit the ball
that far in your life.

Come on.

-LARRY: Really?
-JEFF: Yeah.

You're never gonna hit it
that far. What are you, nuts?

All right, shut up.

No, you shut up.

? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ?

(TROY GROANS)

-Holy shit!
-You hit him.

I hit him!

-JIMMY: Troy, you okay?
-(TROY GROANING)

-Oh my God!
-How did you do that?

(YELLING) Hey! What the fuck?

I-- I-- I told you
I shouldn't have fucking--

Hey! Larry!

LARRY: Oh! Oh, no! (RAMBLING)

Hey, Troy, are you okay?

Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly.
Take it easy.

Oh my God.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

What in the hell?

I don't know what happened.
I'm so sorry.

Why didn't you yell "fore"?

Well, I couldn't yell "fore."
I mean, he can't hear.

And what would
be the point? I waved.

I did a lot of waving.

When you talk,
the interpreter can hear you.

I know, but he was too far.
He was in the car.

I could've grabbed him!
We could have ran to the trees!

There was no time!
The ball was coming down!

There's plenty of time!
You yell "fore" when you hit it.

Superman couldn't
get there in time to stop that.

You should've waited
till we were in the clear! Why didn't you wait?

Because then
the guys I was playing with,

they said, "Oh, go, go, go."

They embarrassed me. They said,
"Oh, you can never hit him."

Did you do the vertical drop,
horizontal tug?

Yeah, I did it. I did it.

I did the vertical drop
and the horizontal tug.

And you know what?
It really worked.

Look how far I hit the ball.
I couldn't even believe it.

-INTERPRETER: I'm watching you.
-LARRY: Watching me?

Really? There's not
much to watch, honestly.

I mean, I don't
really go anywhere.

I'm home most of the time.

I'll do a crossword puzzle.
Sometimes I'll go out to dinner.

I hate my life.
You don't wanna witness it.

You're a real asshole.

You know what? I am so deeply

and profoundly sorry
for what happened.

I really wanna make it
up to you somehow.

Let me get you
a Postmates dinner.

I'll send one to your house.
Would you like that?

There's some very
good restaurants on Postmates.

I'll have it delivered right
to your door!

So, you don't want a Post--
Hey, what did you do?

-Did you tell him
what I just said? -Everything.

-You tell him about
the Postmates dinner? -I did.

What'd you tell him?
You just went like this.

-You didn't do anything.
-That's the sign for "Postmates dinner."

-It took two seconds.
-I'm good!

Oh, you didn't tell him
about the Postmates dinner. Don't bullshit me.

Why didn't you tell him
about the Postmates dinner?

-INTERPRETER: I told him.
-That's a very nice gesture!

Deeply and profoundly sorry,
and you offer him Postmates?

You know he didn't tell him
about the Postmates!

-He did. He told him.
-By the way, where's my ball?

I don't know.

-LARRY: You don't know?
-I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

It hit him in the back
right over here!

-It's up your ass, Larry!
-Where's the ball?

-It's gone!
-You took my ball?

Go back to the tee,
hit another ball!

-LARRY: You took my ball?
-Go back to the tee, hit another ball!

Two stroke penalty!

You know what? I'm gonna just
drop it over here, that's all.

I'll drop it where
the body was. Right here.

That's in the rules.

I'm not gonna take
a penalty, I'll tell you that.

I'm not taking a penalty.
I hit the ball over here.

I hit one of the great shots
of my life.

I'm playing from here.

Oh! They threw my ball away.
I gotta take a drop.

-No, no. No dropping, man.
-You can't take a drop.

What are you talking about?
They threw my ball away.

-You hit somebody!
-That's right!

He's fine! He's okay.
Listen, I'm dropping a ball.

Not on our watch
you're dropping a ball.

I'm not going back to the tee!

(COYOTE HOWLING)

-What the fuck was that?
-Holy shit.

-It sounds like a coyote.
-(COYOTE SNARLING)

-It is a coyote.
They're killers, man. -(PUPPY WHIMPERING)

Sounds like he's eating a dog.

RICHARD: Jeff,
don't you live around there?

That is my house.

-(PUPPY WHIMPERING)
-Oh my God!

That could be my puppy!

-(WHIMPERING STOPS)
-(COYOTE HOWLING)

You know what, Larr?
I gotta go home.

Huh? What?

-That could be my dog!
-Does your neighbor have a dog?

Yeah, there's a few dogs around.

All right, so it might be
one of your neighbors' dogs.

Uh, that sounded like a puppy.

I mean... (HESITATING)

If he's eaten, there's nothing
you can do about it.

And if he's dead,

what are you
gonna do, sit shiva?

Yeah. Can't bring
the dog back to life.

We're talking about a puppy!

Yeah, I know,
but we're on the golf course,

we're having a nice day.
You'll see it later.

He's right, man.
You know he's right.

And if it's not, there's nothing
to be gained by going home.

Let's just play.

You know what? You're right.

Either my puppy's dead,
or it's a neighbor's dog.

Nothing you could do either way.

All right, I'll play.

Well, all right.
Well, I'm dropping.

-You're not dropping.
-Can't drop.

-I'm dropping.
-JEFF: You're not dropping.

-Oh, I'm dropping.
-You are not dropping the ball!

Fuck you!
I'm dropping the ball.

-You are not dropping the ball!
-Fuck you!

You're a cheater!

-LARRY: No, you're a cheater.
-JEFF: You're a cheater!

-LARRY: You're a cheater!
-JEFF: You're a cheater!

-LARRY: You're a cheater!
-JEFF: Cheater!

How 'bout the drive on 15?

-Oh, that was, uh...
-What about that, huh?

? (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS) ?

-Oh, Frankie!
-Oh-ho!

Wow! Look at this! Wow! Baby.

-Oh, God.
-SUSIE: What?

-Oh! He's alive!
-Frankie's alive.

Of course he's alive.
Why would he not be alive?

You don't understand.

We're having
the game of our lives...

-Yeah.
-...and we hear a coyote

and then a yelp.

-We heard a coyote. (HOWLS)
-JEFF: It was crazy.

We thought the coyote
ate the dog!

Oh my God.
You thought it was Frankie?

-BOTH: Yeah!
-So what did you do?

Wh-- what? Did--

What, you-- you--
you continued to play?

Yeah.

You didn't quit and come
to see if he was okay?

We just assumed that,
you know, he was...

Dead. And if he's dead,
what can we do?

This little boy, this little
beautiful little creature,

is dead,
and you continue to play?

What kind of heartless
pieces of shit are you?

We thought about the puppy
and how the puppy was dead,

and we thought about golf,

-and golf was there.
-Yeah. What can we do?

-There's nothing to do.
-Well, what about me?

You didn't think about
how I was feeling at home

with the coyote eating my boy?

I must admit, you didn't
come into our heads.

Really? You are about
as selfish as they come.

And you, Larry,

you have no heart.
You have no soul.

What if I was maimed
by a coyote?

What would you do then, huh?
Would you continue playing?

Certainly, I would
give you more consideration

than I gave the dog.

-Uh-huh.
-But ultimately,

I think I'd play through.

All right, you know what?
Get the fuck out. You disgust me.

What do you do
after a person's dead?

It's-- They're dead!

Don't ever touch this dog,

think of this dog,
look at this dog!

No loss to me...

to not be involved
with your dog.

Don't care.
That's no punishment at all.

-Get out!
-Okay, I'll leave.

But in my defense,
let me just say

there are very few people
I'd leave the golf course for

if I found out they died.

Even you!

Really?

Well, depends how I'm playing.

? (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

LARRY: Coming!

-Ah!
-Hey, Larry.

-Hello, Duane.
-Sorry to barge in,

but got the estimate
for the tree service.

If you got a minute,
I'd like to talk about it.

Yeah. Come on in. Yeah.

DUANE: Thanks.

(LARRY SIGHS)

So, um, how you feeling?

We're healing.

-Yeah.
-Healing. Slowly.

Good. Have you had any laughs
at all since?

-In the last 48 hours?
-LARRY: Yeah.

No, not a whole lot of laughter
in the house.

Just curious. I mean,
if somebody told a joke,

do you think you have
the capacity to laugh?

I-- I guess it would depend
on the joke, Larry.

So a funny joke
could make you laugh.

And provide
some temporary relief...

-LARRY: Ah! Got it!
-...in a very painful time.

Got it. Okay.
Okay. Just curious.

-So, the invoice.
-Yeah.

-I got the invoice
from the tree service. -Sure.

They had to remove
the stump too, so...

We can just split that
down the middle.

(SCOFFS, LAUGHS)
Okay, come on.

-Duane.
-They had to remove the stump.

-Twenty-seven hundred?
-Yes.

For eating a couple
lemons a month?

And that's how much it costs
to get rid of a tree.

Duane, I gotta tell you
something, okay?

This is very
un-Tubman-like behavior.

Okay, that's-- that's the
second time with Tubmans.

-I don't know what you mean.
-Yeah.

Well, what I mean is,
I don't think

that your great aunt Harriet
would condone this.

So what kind of person
was she, Larry?

Well, she was the kind of person

who smuggled slaves
from the South to the North

-and didn't charge them.
-Really?

You know what Harriet Tubman
would have done?

She would have
come over to my house

-with a big basket of lemons.
-DUANE: Really?

LARRY: "Larry, darling, take
as many lemons as you'd like."

I'd go, "Harriet, you know what?

They're dropping into the yard.
I don't need it."

Wow, this has been
a real education for me...

"Thank you. Thank you."

-...on my own ancestry.
-Oh, hey. This is Leon.

You know Duane, our neighbor?

-What's up, D?
-Hey, brother.

-How you doing, brother?
-Good to see you, brother.

Oh, yeah, he gets a
"brother" right away, huh?

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, that's what we do.

Every Black person
you meet, you say "brother" to? "Hey, brother"?

You say "brother" and you give
him one of those right there.

Uh-huh. Yeah. You too?

-Respectful nod.
-A nod is like our aloha.

I don't do a Jew nod.

You know, you guys got
that song already, "Hey, Jew."

No, no, that's "Hey Jude,"
with a D. J-U-D-E.

Anyway, Duane,
let's have a neighborly

-adult discussion about this.
-(GROANS)

LARRY: I'd like to help you out.
I wanna do the right thing here.

-I can't possibly pay all this.
-Yeah. Yeah.

LARRY: There's some charges here
that I just can't possibly go along with.

It's the stump.
They've got to get the wood--

-LARRY: It just seems
very excessive. -They gotta get the woodchipper.

It's not fair. It's not right.
It's not my tree.

-I don't really care.
-I don't pull these numbers-- I don't make them up.

LARRY: I'd like to think
I'm a fair man.

Am I a fair man? Huh?

-This is a fair man right here.
-LARRY: I do the right thing, don't I?

LEON: What you see is
what the fuck you get.

-LARRY: And I'd like to do
the right thing. -(GROANS) Okay. Okay.

Don't worry about it. I got it.
I'll see myself out.

-You mean I don't have to pay?
-DUANE: No, you do not.

-What the hell was that?
-(DOOR CLOSES)

-I don't know.
-LARRY: That was amazing.

My boy just ran out of here. Mm.

(SHOUTS) Oh my God!
No, no, no, no, no!

There they are!

He saw it! He saw it!

That's why he
rushed out of here!

He saw your boys!
Those withered,

leathered grotesqueries
just saved me

thirteen hundred
and fifty dollars!

He lost his mind! He left!
I don't have to pay anything!

That's fucked up.
All Black balls are like this.

Thank you. And thank you!

Yeah. My balls said,
"You're welcome."

LARRY: And he sits on
the arm of the couch,

-and his balls are hanging out.
-(ALL LAUGH)

And the guy got so
discombobulated and takes off.

(ALL LAUGH)

My balls showed up
and saved the fucking day.

That reminds me.
Remember that girl Lydia,

that I'm-- the neighbor
that I'm helping out?

-She is ovulating.
-RICHARD: Lucky you.

The bad news, though,
is I have to go up to Shasta.

I got a mattress emergency,

so I'm not gonna be able
to be in town.

But, uh, she's asking
if I know anybody.

Any of you guys willing to, uh,

step in and help
my neighbor out,

-being there for her--
for her pregnancy needs? -JEFF: What?

-Seriously?
-RICHARD: You're kidding.

We're on the bench
and you sending in a reliever?

Yes. You guys wanna see her?
Here she is.

-LARRY: Sure.
-RICHARD: Beautiful.

-FREDDY: Yeah?
-Let me see that.

Yeah, I'll hit that.

-She's fabulous. And I'm in.
-You're in?

I mean, what do you got,
three sperm?

You could have intercourse
with her for the next 15 years,

there's no way you're
ever gonna impregnate her.

I'll bet you thousand dollars
I have more sperm than you.

You got more sperm than me?
In your dreams.

And I will bury you
with my sperm.

The only problem is
you can't get someone pregnant

on old-ass sperm and shit

when it's in powdered milk form.

-(LAUGHS)
-(CHUCKLES) Jesus.

All right. I'm out, Leon.

-I'll tap that.
-FREDDY: Leon's in.

Let me get a video here.
Hold on.

I'm gonna send her this.

Make it simple
and make it quick.

Here we go. Ready? All right.

I'm Leon Black.
You know what it is.

I'm looking forward to tapping
that ass. Hope you ready.

And if you happen
to get pregnant, that's a bonus.

How about that? Hmm?

Yeah, that's
what's gonna happen.

All right, there you go.
Let's see what she says.

LEON: So just deliver
about three or four mattresses,

put 'em in front of the house.
That way when I wear one out,

I'll bring a new mattress,
put that shit down too.

Yeah, you gotta have
a lot of runway

to land the plane. I understand.

-Fuck yeah.
-Okay, she got back to me.

-Boy, that was quick.
-Oh, boy.

And she said yes
to Mr. Leon Black.

-LARRY: Oh! My God.
-Oh! Fuck yeah.

-Congratulations.
-Congratulations.

Hey, funny guy.

When you hit
Troy with golf ball,

you didn't say "fore."

-I waved.
-MR. TAKAHASHI: Wave?

Wave means what?
"Hello." "Goodbye."

But it doesn't mean

"I'm gonna hit you
with a golf ball."

But he's deaf. He can't hear.
What was I supposed to do?

And also, why'd you steal
a lesson from Jimmy?

I didn't steal a lesson
from Jimmy.

It's because
your golf is so terrible

-nothing can help. Huh?
-Oh.

It's kusai.

-Kusai?
-TAKAHASHI: Yes.

-What is that?
-Stinky.

Oh.

One more mistake...

and you're out.

Enjoy.

(LEON EXHALES)

Sou desu ka.

-Sou desu ka.
-Sou desu ka.

-Sou desu ka.
-Sou desu ka.

ALL: Sou desu ka.

-Sou desu ka.
-Sou desu ka.

What?

Baka.

-RICHARD: Hmm.
-Baka.

ALL: Baka. Baka.

Baka. Baka.

Baka. Baka. Baka.

LARRY: Hey, what is this?

-RICHARD: What?
-LARRY: Look at this.

-RICHARD: What is that?
-They roped off the bench.

-Because of you?
-Yeah.

"Sitting prohibited
during lessons"?

-What an asshole! I got roped!
-You did get roped.

-? (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ?
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)

LARRY: Oh, do I suck.

I had to pick up.
At least you putted out.

So sick of this game.
What a waste of time.

Hey, by the way, my will?

I'm gonna see
an estate attorney this week,

so you'll be covered.
You're-- you're set.

You know... (SCOFFS)

...it's kind of starting
to dawn on me what's going on.

-What are you talking about?
-You're putting me in your will

'cause you want me
to put you in my will.

Are you out of your
fucking mind?

-Huh? Is that right?
-Would I be that shallow

-and that manipulative...
-Yes.

-...and clandestine?
-Yes, you would. Yeah.

-Oh, that's bullshit.
-Yeah, you would.

This is a low point.

Oh, no, it never occurred
to you?

Well, but now
that you mention it...

it sort of makes sense.

I'll give you the same
that you give me. How's that?

-I'd say we do percentages.
-And by the way,

what makes you think
that I'm gonna die before you?

-You're a little
ragged right now. -You think that?

-I'm in a little better
shape than you. Yeah. -Oh, really?

I'm gonna outlive you
by 20 years.

My trainer
is gonna move in with me.

As soon as I get home,
I'm gonna hire a nutritionist,

I'm gonna get an acupuncturist,
a masseuse.

I will not have a donut

-for the rest of my life...
-You think so?

...just 'cause
I wanna outlive you.

You know what? Sugar.

Oh, you cocksucker.

You gave away Wordle?
You fuck.

-That's so low.
-You deserve it.

You sicken me.
Well, you know what?

I'm gonna be waking up
at five o'clock every morning

and giving Wordle away.

You'll never do another Wordle
for the rest of your life.

Yeah, you do that. I'll wake up
at four every morning

and ruin it for you.

I'll-- I'll call my friend
in New York!

Yeah, I'll call
my friend in London!

I got a friend in Israel!
What do you think about that?

RICHARD:
My friend lives on the equator!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(DOOR LOCKS)

JIMMY: So what do you feel
like's been the common miss?

STEVE: I just feel like I'm
using all muscle, no technique.

-Muscle?
-Yeah.

I don't know,
I'm leading with the hips

-like I'm always doing, right?
-Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's the worst advice ever,
to keep your head down.

-You gotta release
the head, okay? -The head?

-JIMMY: Then the hips.
-STEVE: Oh, man.

-JIMMY: Everything comes after
that, right? -STEVE: Right.

JIMMY: Soften it all up,

and we're gonna take it up
to the top. Okay?

? (COMIC MUSIC PLAYING) ?

And then with the head.

-What are you looking at?
-Unbelievable.

Larry, I see you in there.

-LARRY: What?
-Stealing another lesson!

LARRY: I'm not
stealing a lesson, I'm using the bathroom!

JIMMY: Just a master
of deception and subterfuge.

LARRY: Get the hell out.
I was here first!

So what are-- I don't even
know what you're talking about!

Yeah, you're here first 'cause
you're creeping and peeping!

You didn't pay
for the other one. You owe me two lessons now.

LARRY: And that's not
even a lesson!

What, are you telling him
to pick his head up?

Everybody says
to put their head down.

No, you gotta release the head.

LARRY: Who doesn't look
at the ball, you fucking idiot?

Mr. Takahashi's gonna
hear about this one.

LARRY: Yeah, go ahead! Tell him.
I don't give a shit.

Let's get out of here.

LARRY: "Don't look
at the ball!"

Give me a break!

Moron!

-SUSIE: Is he
the cutest, Cheryl? -He is the cutest!

I'm petting his fur coat
like that's his fur.

-I had it custom made.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-SUSIE: It's open!
-TED: He's pooping?

SUSIE: Oh, his poops
are gorgeous.

-I mean, the most
beautifully formed poops. -Okay. (CHUCKLES)

-Hey, Larr. What's up?
-CHERYL: Hey, Larry.

Came to use the, uh, Theragun.

I injured my groin
with this new swing.

-The what?
-The Theragun. My birthday gift?

Oh, it's down there.
It's down right where

you left it last time.
It's right there.

So, he's some kind of genius
or something,

-I'm not kidding.
-Oh, yeah.

SUSIE:
The dog has such a high IQ.

-TED: He's a regular Einstein.
-CHERYL: He's so smart.

(SUSIE BABBLES)

-SUSIE: Auntie Cheryl
and Uncle Ted. -(THERAGUN WHIRS)

CHERYL: He is a smart puppy.

-I know. Isn't that the cutest?
-(LARRY GROANS)

Oh my God,
this thing is fantastic.

-What're you doing?
-LARRY: Oh! Oh, what a relief.

Isn't that something
you should be doing in private?

-LARRY: No, it's a--
-Yeah, it is.

What-- What are you--
I got pants on.

What are you talking about?

-Oh, Frankie, what's the matter?
-Oh yeah.

-That's scaring him.
-(FRANKIE BARKING)

Hey, hey,
shut the fuck up, will ya!

Don't you talk
to my dog that way!

But it's already getting better.
I feel it loosening up.

All right, good for you.

Huh? You've never--
Here. You want to try it?

-No. Get that away from me.
-Huh?

-You wanna try it?
-No.

You just rubbed it
on your balls. No thank you.

Hey, an old man like you,
you should be using this.

It's really good.

You know, we heard
about you on the golf course,

with the coyote
and Frankie thing.

So? It's not my dog.

I was playing golf.
I wanted to finish the round.

-That's so selfish.
-What was I gonna do,

give the dog
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Well, you could stop golfing
and make sure the dog is alive.

-LARRY: What, what, what?
-That's like what a human being would do.

What am I supposed to do,
go to his funeral?

I mean, I don't understand.

I think you were hoping
that Frankie was dead...

-(SCOFFS)
-...because you were jealous.

That's lunacy.
I hope the dog is dead?

Why do I give a shit
about a dumb little dog?

-You're jealous because...
-LARRY: Jealous?

...we gave Susie a gift
that means something to her,

and you gave that
stupid thigh jackhammer.

-(MOANS)
-CHERYL: I mean, really?

-By the way...
-Hey, turn that off while we're talking, will ya?

Go to the bathroom and do it.

You always have to be
the center of attention, man.

Center of attention?
I don't understand.

Atlanta. Come on. Really?

You know what I think?
I think you're jealous

that I'm the one
who got arrested in Atlanta...

-CHERYL: Oh, brother.
-Oh God.

...and I'm getting
all this attention.

Yeah, you know what?
Yeah, I am jealous.

Yeah, I know you are.
I know you are.

-You know why? I should've been
the one who was arrested... -Yeah.

...because I use it
as a platform

-for the good of the planet.
-Yes.

Yeah, use it for the good
of your publicist.

-Hey, you know, my--
-You know what? He's authentic.

-He cares about people.
-That's right.

I'm authentic.
I care about myself.

-Oh my God.
-Yeah. And only yourself.

There's an authenticity involved
in caring about oneself.

-Oh my God.
-Jesus, man.

SUSIE: Is that unbelievable?

-Hey, you know what, Mr. Danson?
-TED: What?

-I got one word to say to you.
-What?

Sugar!

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

-SUSIE: What does that mean?
-Yeah. I got it in two.

(GASPS) That's Wordle?
You gave away today's Wordle?

I didn't do it yet,
you fucking piece of shit.

You've crossed
the line now, mister.

Take your crappy, mediocre gift

and get the fuck out
of my house!

'Cause I'm not going
to use that piece of shit.

-Two, Larry. Got it in two.
-LARRY: You got it in two?

Hey, I'll take my fantastic gift
that just healed an injury

in one minute!

And by the way,
you didn't get Wordle in two.

You're full of shit.

-Wordle in two. Right.
-CHERYL: He did.

Ted is smart!

Wait, let me say goodbye
to your stupid fucking dog.

(ALL SHOUTING)

-Do not touch the dog.
-SUSIE: Ever!

My ass.
You never got anything in two!

He didn't have a groin injury.
His groin is perfectly fine.

-Oh. Hey, there's no charger.
-What? Just go!

Let me tell you something,
and this goes for all of you.

You're gonna be injured one day,
probably pretty soon.

Don't ask to use my Theragun.
You're not getting it.

-Just know that. Okay. Fine.
-SUSIE: Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

Go!

-LARRY: Bye.
-SUSIE: And don't come back!

? (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-Hey. You want this?
-Uh-huh.

LARRY: Yeah?

No, no, no, don't get up!

(GRUNTS)

Fore.

One!

Sorry.

(SIRENS WAIL ON TV)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Stop flip, flip, flip, flipping.
What are we gonna watch?

Let's just make a decision,
you know?

? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-Sienna Miller.
-IRMA: Who?

LARRY: Sienna Miller.

There's a documentary
I really wanna watch

about endangered
Californian wildlife,

-the San Diego fairy shrimp.
-LARRY: Just give me five... I just wanna see five minutes.

Five minutes.
I just wanna watch five minutes.

Two minutes. Three minutes.

-BEN AFFLECK: (ON TV) Smile.
-I can't.

(IRMA SIGHS)

IRMA: My hammer toe
is getting so bad.

This, it kind of helps,
but I don't wanna have surgery.

It's six weeks,
you gotta wear a boot.

Because I love you.

IRMA: And it's time
to shave my corns again.

My podiatrist, what an idiot.
Could you push that on for me?

For God's sake,
protect my callus.

It's so painful.

? (SAD MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Hi! You must be the Harringtons.

-Yes. I'm Lydia.
-RON HARRINGTON: I'm Ron.

-I'm Larry.
-RON: Larry, nice to meet you.

LARRY: Hi. Nice to meet you.

-Come on in, please.
-Thank you.

Oh, it's pretty nasty out.

No, yeah,
it doesn't feel like L.A.

Oh, Leon!

Leon!

-Help yourself to some tea.
-Oh, thank you.

Very kind.
Thank you so much.

-This is really nice of you
to broker this for us, so... -Yes.

Whatever I can do to help.

-(CHUCKLES)
-LYDIA HARRINGTON: Thank you.

Oh, there he is!

-RON: Yeah.
-LYDIA: Hi!

-This is Leon.
-LYDIA: Hi.

-I'm Lydia. Hi!
-LEON: Hey, Lydia.

Hey, Ron, how are you, Leon?
Nice to meet you.

-Mm. Lydia.
-Yeah.

That sounds sexy.
I love those one-syllable names.

Except Lydia
has three syllables.

-Not one.
-Now you're doing fucking math right now?

I call her Dee sometimes,

-so that's one syllable.
-Hey, problem fucking solved.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

So you two are interested
in starting a family.

Well, we wanna
expand our family.

-We already have a little one.
-We have one.

-Dog. We have a small dog.
-Oh, you have a dog.

-Yeah. Yeah, Mabel.
-It's like she's a person.

She's not a person. She's a dog.

She's very much like
a little person.

And what can she do that
a person does?

What Larry's saying is that
a dog cannot be a person

'cause a dog can't do
what people do.

Now, people can do
dog-like shit.

Like, a contortionist
in the circus?

This motherfucker
can bend his body up

and lick his own balls
if he wanted to.

Do you think that motherfucker
can't lick his own nuts?

Of course he can.

-Y-- yeah. I--
-Yeah.

Can you excuse us
for one second?

Of course.

LARRY:
If you wanna fuck this woman,

I suggest you shut up,

because every time
you open your mouth,

you're hurting your chances.

Let me tell you
something right now.

I'm the dick salesman
right now, right?

My dick is on the market, okay?

Let me sell
this motherfucking car.

Okay? (CLEARS THROAT)

Well, Leon, thank you
so much for doing this.

-Yeah.
-We are so excited.

Thank you for giving my dick
the opportunity to serve you.

-RON: So, we have a window here.
-I'm ovulating.

Yeah, so if you have
any questions for us...

-LYDIA: Please!
-Do you guys want a girl?

'Cause if you do,

I'ma have to start eating
a lot of mustard.

-Oh, um...
-RON: Well...

My fucking sperm is strong.

That little motherfucker
gonna come out

with a mustache and bad credit.

I would be remiss
if I didn't tell you

that my IQ is 152.

-152?
-And...

my mother was Miss Bensonhurst.

That's very impressive, Larry,

but your services
won't be necessary.

Uh-uh, just FYI,

I don't know if
you guys ever heard of

the Big Johnson community.

LARRY: All right!

-LEON: It's a bunch of--
-I think we're good here.

Thank you so much, Leon.

All right, well, so long!

-Nice meeting you.
-Lovely to meet you.

-Can I give you a little tip?
-LYDIA: Yeah.

Keep those eyes closed.

-Thank you. Bye.
-(LEON GIGGLES)

Well, we gotta get
home to Mabel,

but I have your number,
and I'll see you tomorrow.

-Give me a call.
-LYDIA: Yeah.

And you get some sleep.
You're gonna need it.

-Oh, okay.
-Tap that ass tomorrow.

-Thank you. Thank you.
-(LAUGHS)

No masturbating.

-Hey, you neither.
-Okay.

-LARRY: No masturbating.
-LEON: Yeah.

-(PHONE DINGS)
-Fuck is she, the cum police?

LARRY: "Mr. Takahashi
would like to see you

in his office tomorrow."

-Oh, shit.
-Uh-oh.

LARRY: You know what that means?

I'm gonna get kicked out
of the club.

-This is it.
-Yeah, you fucked up.

Oh, there's Duane.

? (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ?

DUANE: Booker, let's go.
Come on.

Motherfucker ain't even
nod his head.

This fucking guy.

-What's his problem?
-(GASPS)

? (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC
CONTINUES) ?

TAKAHASHI: Come in!

-You are in big trouble.
-Oh.

I hear you no longer
the funny guy.

LARRY: Oh!

You are the cheap
and violent guy.

First, you hit
Academy Award winner Troy

-with golf ball.
-Uh-huh.

And then, you hit him
with bagel!

What do you have to say
for yourself?

Okay.

First of all, the night before

I didn't have
a very good night's sleep.

-(GROANS)
-I'm dreaming I'm in a fish tank

with a lot of little
guppies around me and...

and goldfish,
and they're all pecking at me.

Pecking, pecking, pecking.
They weren't hurting me.

-(GROANS)
-LARRY: And then in the morning, I'm going,

"I wonder why I had that dream."

Is it because I said
I don't really like salmon?

I never said anything else
about fish.

-(GROANING)
-LARRY: And so, I'm exhausted.

And I go to the driving range
that morning,

and I'm sitting on the bench.

-(GROANS)
-LARRY: I'm thinking about

what I'm gonna
have for lunch.

I'm not gonna have fish,
I know that.

Then I hear Jimmy.
He's giving a lesson.

Vertical drop, horizontal tug.

Okay! Okay! Okay!
Stop! No more!

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

-What's that?
-(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

-Get out!
-LARRY: Ah! Can do, Mr. T.

-Got it.
-TAKAHASHI: Go away!

I don't want to see you.

I don't wanna see
any part of you.

-Go!
-Arigato.

Baka!

(SHUDDERS)

(LEON AND LYDIA MOANING)

-(LEON MOANS) Yeah!
-(LYDIA MOANS)

-(HOWLING)
-(MOANING STOPS)

LYDIA: What was that?

-Was that a coyote?
-(LEON GROANS)

(DOG WHIMPERING)

LYDIA: Mabel?
Did you hear a dog?

LEON: I didn't hear shit.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

? ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

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