All language subtitles for nedivx-catechism-xvid

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[aggressive heavy metal music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, hello, everybody.

The story I'm going to tell you
right now is 110% a real story,

which only makes it better.

So there was this old lady

walking out
of the grocery store,

checking her receipts
and just making sure

she didn't get ripped off
or anything

when she finds
that these three guys

are breaking into her car.

She can't believe it
so what does she do?

She puts down her groceries,

and she pulls out
this huge gun,

like, .50-something caliber.

Then she yells at the guys,

"Get away from my car,
you ding-dong!"

And the three ding-dongs
just put up their hands.

They're like,
“What's going on here?”

They run away.

I mean, they just skedaddle.

[chuckles]

Then the lady,
she gets into her car,

and then she tries the key,
and it won't turn,

and she's thinking,

“What the heck is going on?

What is all this weird stuff
in my car?”

Then it hits her.

This isn't her car.

There were two cars
that looked exactly the same.

Right?

Does—
does everybody get it?

So then she goes
to the police station

to, like,
tell them what happened,

and the cop there
is just cracking up.

I mean, he is—
he is cracking up

like he's never heard
something so funny,

because those other guys were
just in there to tell on her,

and then she comes in there.

So it's like, his job is done,

and he is just—

He is cracking up
at the whole thing.

I mean, obviously
no charges were filed,

and then everybody was safe
and everything.

But the moral is,

and then—
you'll like this, Gloria—

Is if you're going to have
a senior moment,

make it a memorable one.

[laughs]

- How does this pertain to
our discussion on Deuteronomy?

- [laughs]

What does this have
to do with—

Uh...

- Father William,
where does Christ's word

come into this story?

- Well, that-that story
really didn't have

anything to do with Christ.

It—it was more of a joke story
for older people, for—

It was for seniors.

- But what's its significance?

- [sighs]

Gloria, if you want to ruin
the story by over analyzing it,

then, you know,
congratulations.

That's what you did.

It's more just—
well, okay.

Jesus is okay
if we make mistakes, right?

Right, okay, so I guess, yeah,
that's how it works out.

So he's okay
if we make mistakes,

and this old lady
made a mistake,

and there—
see, it—it relates.

Okay, well, this was great.

Um...I'll see you guys
next week, all right?

In the name of the Father, Son,
Holy Spirit, amen.

All right.

- Father?

Are we going to sing?

- Uh, okay, yes.

Uh, we'll sing.

[all singing single note]

- [in falsetto]
I Ho, hosanna in the highest

all:
I Ho, hosanna in the highest

- Great.

Bye.

- Hello, everybody.

It's me, Shane Lee.

I'm going to sing five octaves
on the piano.

[singing off-key scales]

♪ ♪

- What?

Dude, what are you doing?

Dude.

♪ Ah ♪

[laughs]

You are insane.

[laughs]

Oh, dude.

- Oh, yeah, it's like that—

- Dude, it all sounds the same.

- Uh, I'll catch up with you
later, Father Tim.

- ♪ Ah ♪

- Father William?

This doesn't look like
catechism studies.

- [laughs]

Oh, Father O'Herlihey,
have you seen this video?

He's trying to—

- Our computer's not
for clowning around.

Father, the story you told
about the old woman and the gun,

where did you hear that?

- That is actually
in the book of Job.

- No, it's not.

Father, if you're gonna
tell a story

that's not directly related
to the Good Book,

you're gonna have to
at least make it relevant,

you know, somewhat truthful
or thought-provoking.

These people come to us
for Bible study,

not internet study.

You're not up here to, uh...

just to have fun with them.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

- Mm-hmm.

- Father, the bishop and I
were talking about

making your holiday a little
earlier this year, and—

- I got the letter.

- Well, what we're looking for,
Father,

is for you to go out
and find the truth.

I mean, you have to ask yourself
some real tough questions like,

"What am I doing here?"

Why did you join the seminary,
Father?

[electric guitar ring tone]

Questions like that.

- Oh, oh, wait, oh,
that's my phone.

Uh, it's, um...

I'll get it later.

- How about travel options?

Have you looked
into that at all?

- Yes, I have,

and my mother and I
were going to go to the Poconos.

That's where she went
on her honeymoon with my father.

They have these bathtubs

that are shaped like wine
or communion glasses.

But, yeah, it was
a little too expensive,

and my mom didn't want to travel
that far.

- That's wise.

- But then, I got into contact
with my sister's ex-boyfriend,

and he was, like, the first
inspiration for me, you know?

He was, like,
my first real role model.

I mean, he is
a professional musician now

that's on the road,

and we're gonna have a reunion.

And guess what.

Us dudes are gonna hit the water
in a canoe.

- That's a grand idea.

- You think so?

- Well, it's—it'll do you
a world of good.

But remember
when you're out there,

the real truth
can't be found in here.

The real answers are out there

and in here.

Do you understand?

[aggressive rock guitar music}

♪ ♪

- Yo, Robbie!

Robbie!

Hey, I got us
a table already, man.

Wow.
Look at you.

It's great to see you, man.
Have a seat.

I got us some milk already.

We got some cheese sticks
and some other things coming.

You can have just
whatever you want, all right?

Ah, man, Robbie.

I sent you email after email
after email after email,

and then I thought, "I have got
to have the wrong address."”

But then I thought,
"Maybe your assistant

"reads through all your emails

and takes out all the fans
and the loony birds in there."

And then I thought,

"Well, I hope they don't mistake
me for one of those."

I don't-does your—

- No, I don't—
I don't have one.

- Right, of course, right.

You could do it.
Well, yeah.

Oh, man.

- Can I get you two
something to drink?

- Coffee, please, yes.

- I want a refill of the milk,

and I'll also have a coffee
like Robbie, please?

Thank you.

- Um, when I was driving
over here—

- I knew it.

I knew—| knew
you would come in here

and just start with a story.

This is just—
it's like time has not stopped.

Oh, man, you were
such a great writer, Robbie.

- I'm not a writer.

- Okay, you are a musician
and a writer,

but, Robbie,
no baloney at all,

I like your work equally,
musician and writer.

I mean, that novelette
you wrote, ooh.

- How do you know about that?

- I mean, how many people
write novelettes in high school?

About zero.

- Wait a minute,
how did you—

I don't understand
how you read that.

- Okay, she would kill me
if I tell you,

but when you guys were dating,
my sister let me read it.

- Your sister.

- Oh, no.

Now I'm getting myself
into trouble here,

but I just—
I love that.

|I-oh, ding.

Saved by the food.

- Our mozzarella sticks.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

Smells terrific.

- Isn't it a little early
for this stuff?

- No, I got up at 400 a.m.

- You got the combo plate.

- Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

- Anything else for you,
Father Billy?

- Do you want anything else?

- Uh-uh.

This is—this—
too much.

- Chicken tenders.
- Chicken tenders.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right.

- Will you sign my Bible?

My great-grandfather
gave me that Bible

when I was six years old,

and now I use it
as an autograph book.

I got the guy who played
Father Guido Sarducci

to sign in it.

- Wow.

- And now I want you to sign it
since you're a celebrity.

- I'm not a celebrity.

- Oh, yeah,
what about Defrockation?

Thank you.

- What about what?

- Defrockation.

- I don't know what that is.

- Do not play like
you don't know Defrockation.

- -I don't know what that is.

- You're the guitarist
for the band Defrockation.

- Who said that?
- Google.

I Googled you,
Robbie Shoemaker.

It says you're the guitarist
for the band Defrockation,

and it says that you guys
are looking for a roadie.

- Oh, man.
- And I thought I might—

- That's not me.
That's not me.

I haven't played guitar in,
I don't know, 15 years maybe.

- But you're on the road.

- I'm on the road,
but it's like—

It's not Defrockation.

I mean, nothing near that.

I'm not in a band, man.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble.

- Do you—do you like boats?

- Yeah.

- Do you like, um, water?

- Yes.

- We should do a canoe trip
this afternoon.

- Dude, I don't know.

- It'll be a blast.

Come on,
it'll be fun.

No job,
no freaking wife out there.

No freaking kids.

No freaking...

[whispers]
parishioners.

- I got to leave
at 6:00 in the morning.

- I'll buy.
I'll buy the food.

I'll buy the trip.
I'll buy your beer.

I'll even buy some extra smokes.

Just you and me relaxing,

having fun,

paddling, solitude, come on.

- All right.

- Yes!

[imitating drums beating]

- [laughs]

I have a bad feeling
we're gonna have to shit

in, like, 10 minutes.

That's a lot of grease.

- We probably will need
to go to the bathroom.

- All right, dig in.

[aggressive rock guitar music}

♪ ♪

- ♪ My main man, Jesus is ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

You ever heard
that song before?

It's Jesus is My Main Man.

- Did you write that?

- Yes.

- Oh.

- Guess if this is real or fake.

[flatulence sounds]

- Fake.

[flatulence sounds]

- Real or fake?

- Fake.

Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

[flatulence sounds]

- That's not funny.

- How many Hail Marys is that?

- It's none because this is
not a confessional.

- Do you want to confess
something to me?

- Robbie.

- Priests don't ever
get to confess, do they?

Why don't you
confess something to me?

- For real?

- Yes.

- I've never been happy.

- Really?

- Yup.

Is your hand on the wall
right now like mine is?

- No.

- It's not?

I got my hand on my wall.

I feel like we're connecting.

- That's weird, Billy.

- ♪ Ho hosanna ♪

♪ Ho, ho, hosanna ♪

♪ Ho, ho,
hosanna ♪

♪ He is Lord ♪

- Yeah, here's your Bible.

Here's your Bible.

- ♪ Ho, ho, hosanna ♪

♪ He is Lord ♪

♪ Ho, ho, hosanna ♪

♪ Ho, ho,
hosanna ♪

♪ Ho, ho, hosanna ♪

♪ He is ♪

- Yeah, can you give him
a high five?

Can you give him a high five?

Yeah?

Yeah?
Okay.

All right, let's go.

Let's get in the car.

- Hey, anyone work here?

Your toilet is broken.

This has got to go down.

It's got to go.

Oh, jeez maneeze,
that's a lot.

Oh, jeez maneeze.

[gasps]

- Do you want me
to pull over again?

- No.

I lost my Bible.

- What?

- I lost my Bible.

- In the bathroom?

Well, let's go get it.

I will pull—
I will turn around.

Let's go back and get it.

- No, just leave it, all right?

It fell in.

It fell in the toilet.

- [laughs]

- It's not funny.

- Well, I bet, you know,
they probably have something

to fish stuff out of the toilet.

- Forget about it.

I dropped my Bible
in a pile of diarrhea.

Why, why, why
did I have coffee?

I never drink coffee,

and the one day I drink coffee,

of course,
of course it's the day

that I drop my Bible
in the toilet.

[groans]

Do not ever, ever, ever
let me drink coffee again, ever.

Ugh, why did I eat
jalapeno poppers?

- Sorry, Billy.

- All right, so you start out
at the big lake here...

- Mm-hmm.

- And then a little turn
in the bend there,

and you come around
down through here,

and you end up
right at this clearing.

- That looks long.

How long is that one?

- Well, it's about six hours.

- No, no, no, no, no.

What's—do you have—

What's your shortest one?

- You could do this one here.

It's about three, four hours.

- That's great.
That's better.

- That's more of
what you're looking for?

- Yeah, yeah, yes.

- You can pick up your paddles
and your vests outside,

and, uh, what are we talking,

one, two canoes?

- No, we don't need
to be together.

Two, yeah.

- Okay.
- Hey, Billy?

I'm gonna do two separate boats.

Is that cool?

- How hard is it?

I've never been
on a boat before.

- You've never been on a—

You'll be great.

You'll be fine.

Two is—he'll be fine.
- How much is it?

- $22 each.

- I got $40.

So if you want beer...

- We'll do one and beer.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- One canoe.

As you're coming down
to the end of this run,

you'll be in the middle of—

[both speaking Japanese]

- It empties out into a little,
small lake there and there's—

[both speaking Japanese]

- You're gonna go under
a railroad trestle.

It's the only thing around.

There ain't nothing else there.

As long as you get there
before 6:00,

someone will be there
to pick you up.

That way,
nobody gets left.

- So this is
your normal clientele?

- Hello!
- Hello!

- We need a boat for freedom.

We need all of your ships.

- [speaking Japanese]

- We take everyone's freedom.

- Freedom desu!

- We need a sleeping bag.

- Tent.
- Toilet paper.

- Water.
- Motorcycle.

- Shampoo.
- Helmet.

- Chocolate.
- Cigarette.

- Twinkies.

- Beef jerky.

- Everything.
- Everything.

- We need a paddle.

- So you want to buy a boat?

- We have the money.

- Give it to me now.

- You ladies can have just about
anything you like.

- Thank you.

- We need a Twinkie.

Corn nuts.

- You can get your stuff
outside.

[both speaking Japanese]

- Robbie, what size life jacket
do you wear?

- Come on down here.

- Do you think
a blue life jacket,

or a yellow life jacket
is safer?

- Shut up.

Give me your wallet,
your cell phone,

and your car keys.

- Why?

- 'Cause I'm robbing you, okay?

You think I want to get
in a canoe?

- No.

Sorry.
- I'm fucking with you.

I'm fucking with you.

If they go in the river,

I'm not diving in after 'em,
dude, all right?

- You're messing with me?

- Yeah, I'm fucking with you.

- Oh.

Okay, that's a good idea.

Oh, you know what?

I wish I brought some galoshes,
'cause they're gonna get wet.

- Galosh—
did you just say "galoshes"?

- Galoshes.
- [laughs]

Dude.

Here, you can borrow these.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

One more little trick.

This might be a little more like
what you remember me by.

- You used to wear that
every single day in high school.

- You do remember that shit,
don't you?

- Well, there's a picture of you
and Stu Prichard

in the mother-freaking yearbook
going like that.

In the mother-freaking yearbook.

[laughter]

What is that about?

- Did you see
what they drove up in?

Those girls
are not hurting for money.

Look, here,
so we can match.

[hissing]

- We do match.

- [laughs]

- [blows raspberry]

- No, evil, dude.

[hissing]

- [flatulence sound]

- Better.

- Better?
- Yeah.

[aggressive rock music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Billy?
- Yeah?

- Look at me.

Hold your hand on the top of it,
all right?

Dig.

Pull towards you, okay?

- How do I steer?
- No, don't.

I'm gonna steer back here,
all right?

You're pure manpower.

You're the engine.

- I'm the engine?

- All right, I'm the—
you're the engine.

I'm the wheel.
I'm the rudder.

Just dig.

I mean, really dig into it.
- Okay.

- Have you seriously
never been in a boat?

- I just haven't been
on small boats.

- Like what,
cruise ships or something?

- Yeah, I've been on
a lot of cruise ships before.

- Jesus Christ.

Man, this is beautiful.

- There's less fishes
than I thought there would be.

[can pops]

- You want one?

- No, I should concentrate
on, um, this.

- No sex, no drugs,
no rock and roll.

- No, plenty of rock and roll.

- Well, at least
you got that, right?

- Yeah, you're the one
that got me into that.

- Really?
- Yeah!

I'd get into whatever you guys
were talking about at school.

When you wore
a Lizzie Borden shirt,

I went out
and bought their album.

When you talked about
Judas Priest,

that's what made me
want to become a priest.

- You're shitting me.

- Yeah, I'm just razzing you.

But seriously, your band
was the only band I saw live

for, like, 22 years.

My favorite song of yours
was Black Toilet

about what it was like
to be Satan's toilet

and have Satan come
and take a crap on you.

- [laughs]

- I used that at church once
as an anti-drug lecture.

It really connected
with the kids.

My band, we were cool,

but we never
did anything that cool.

- You were in a band?

- Yeah, I was in a band,
Tree of Joshua.

Oh, I did keyboards
and vocal harmonies.

We—we pushed some buttons.

- Yeah, what buttons were those?

- Well, I wrote a song called
The 11th Commandment,

and basically what it was about

is that Moses had
an extra commandment

that he didn't share
with anybody,

that he kept for himself

so he could be
the most coolest dude,

and that commandment was

the right to rock and roll.

- Wow.

- And so, basically,
the song started real slow

where we'd just list
the first 10 commandments

sort of, like, slow
and then sad and—

- Billy, paddle.

- Okay.

And so, uh...

where was I?

Oh, the right
to rock and roll.

Yeah, so, we hit
the 11th commandment,

and we just started...

[imitates heavy guitar playing]

And then Moses was like,
"Thou shall rock and roll"

Oh!

Our band made Moses cool.

- Dude, I would've killed
to see that.

- Well, actually, we never
really got the chance to play it

'cause the other people
in the band,

they thought it was sacrilegious
to add a commandment, so...

- Well, you can rest assured

that they probably wouldn't have
let you in the priesthood

if you were in a metal band,
so you probably did all right.

- What's it like?

- What's what like?

- You know, living the rock
and roll lifestyle, touring?

- Why do you think
I'm in a band?

Why do you keep bringing this up

when I keep telling you
that I am not?

- You're on the road
all the time.

That's what you said,
you're touring.

- Yeah, I'm on the road,
and I'm touring,

but, man,
I'm with the crew.

I'm as—

Spotlight operator.

- Okay, good one,
a spotlight operator.

Come on.

You're being serious?

- Yes.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

- Well, you—how bad can it be?

- Ice Capades.

- Who are the Ice Capades?

- Just-Billy, just be quiet
for a little while, all right?

Look ahead, paddle, just—

Just be quiet
for a little while.

[geese honking]

- Maria had never been in love
until she met Miguel.

And Miguel, he was a man
she hardly even knew.

Miguel was a highway worker.

He was one of those guys

who built the overpasses
and bridges

that 99% of the people
driving on

didn't even realize existed.

They constructed
these things quickly,

like an assembly line,

and, well, Miguel,
he slipped

and he fell into
the vat of cement

as it was being poured,

and these things being the
assembly lines that they are,

they just—
they kept moving,

and by the time anyone realized
what had happened,

I mean, just minutes later,

the cement
was already hardening.

Well, the workers made him
an air hole,

but because of previous delays
on the job,

they couldn't re-pour
the concrete,

so Miguel,
he stayed in there.

The workers pledged to come by
and feed him every day,

but soon, they began
to forget about him.

By chance,
Miguel met Maria

while she was out on a walk
looking for her lost cat.

She found him just as he was
losing hope of his own,

and the two,

they eventually fell in love.

- Te amo.

- Te amo.

- Now, she knows
nothing more about him

but this little
3 inch by 3 inches of his face,

but she visits him each day,

and they just—
they pass time together,

listening to
the traffic pass...

Sitting quietly
under the highway.

- And then what?

- And then what, what?

- And then what happens?

- That's it.

- That's it?

- Mm-hmm.

- Like, do they get married
or have a baby,

and if they had a baby,
how would that work?

- No.

- You didn't write that?

- No.

- What if he popped a, uh...

- Popped a what?

- An erection?

- A boner?

- [laughs]

Yes, yes, yes, okay.

What if he pops one of those

and his penis boner
was so strong

that it just went up like,

boing, boing,
boing, boing, boing?

And as his penis boner
is going up and down,

getting excited,

the highway starts to,

POW, POW, POW, POW, POW, POW,
pow, pow,

and the drivers
start to fall off,

and then his penis boner
is the first thing

to penetrate
through the highway,

and she sees his body,
"cause she's like,

"I hope his body's
as good as his face,"

and it is.

He is gorgeous,

just totally ripped,

and the boner's amazing,

and they live
happily ever after.

- It's not
an amazing boner story.

- It's romantic, though.

- That's not romantic at all.

Boners breaking highways?
I mean—

- That's what it's called.
- Jesus Christ.

- So you don't have an ending?

- You know, you tell me
to tell you a story,

so I tell you a story.

Then you don't like the ending.

Now I got to change the—
I mean, I'm not a writer, man.

I don't give a shit.

- Robbie, maybe you're not
a writer of stories.

Maybe you are a writer
of poems.

- I am not a writer of poems.

- You know, poems are just
stories without endings.

- It's not a fucking poem, okay?

Let's—come on, let's go.

It's time to get back
on the river.

- Oh, yeah, right.

We're in no rush.

We got time.

Thank you, Jesus.

Robbie?

What do you think about Jesus?

- We got to be
at that outpoint before 6:00.

- Robbie?

Hey!

Where are you going?

What the heck?

- We got to be at that outpoint
before 6:00.

- What the heck, Robbie?

What happened to taking things
easy and slow?

What's the rush?

One more brew, Robbie.

One more brew!
One more brew!

One more brew!

Okay, look, look,
I'll have one.

I'll have one.

Two buds drinking brews.

[can pops]

[slurping]

Oh, it—

Awesome.

Yeah, party hearty.

Robbie!

You chug.

Chug party.

Yeah, yeah, Robbie!

Yeah, Robbie!

My turn.

- Don't hurt yourself.

- Whoo!

Oh, my!

Whoo!

We're doing it!

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Oh.

Oh, I'm drinking my own pee.

[laughs]

Come on, all you boys.

I'm just a woman now.

I used to be a little girl,

but now I'm a woman, so...

♪ I'm a woman is ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, hosanna ♪

♪ Ho, hosanna ♪

♪ Ho,
hosanna ♪

♪ Ho, hosanna ♪

♪ I'm not a wo-oo-Oman ♪

♪ I'm ho-hosanna,
ho-hosanna ♪

I got to take it easy.

Okay, come on.

Dance party.

I looooooove nature!

I love nature.

- Have you ever
been drunk before, Billy?

- What the heck?

What the heck does it matter?

- Because you're drunk now.

How many beers have you had?

- I'm almost done.

- [laughs]

That's the same one?

- Mm, yeah.

You mad?

- No.

- 'Cause you had to drink
18 dozen beers,

and I only have one

and then have
the time of my life?

- God damn, |-

- Sucks to be you.

Sucks to be you, Robbie.

Sucks to be you.

- I've corrupted a priest.

- Maybe I wanted to be
corrupted.

- Don't wiggle your eyebrows
like that.

- Why not?

- It does not mean
what you think it does.

- What do you think
that I think it means?

- It's sexual, you know?

That's a come-on.

Do you want to come on to me?

- Rock and roll!

- Ah, son of a bitch.

Don't do that.

God damn it.

Don't do that.

- [laughing]

- You were so scared.

- [laughs]

- Oh.

[belches]

- Don't.

- [belches]

- Are you gonna get sick?

You do not puke in this boat.

Do you hear me?

- [belches]

[laughs]

So do you have
a lot of groupies?

- Man, there aren't
a lot of groupies

for a spotlight operator.

I'm with the crew.

We don't have groupies.

- Tell me a groupie story.

- What is it with
the stories, man?

I'm not a writer.

- You were a writer.

You were a great one.

Why'd you stop?

- Fuck you.

I - I - because I grew up.

That's why.

- You just told a priest
to "fuck you."

- You know what I feel like?

I feel like this could be like
Of Mice and Men,

where we just
pull over to the side.

I'd talk to you about rabbits,
get you all nice and calm,

put a gun against your head,
and bam!

I'd blow your brains
right out of your head.

You'd have to rape somebody
first, though, right?

Isn't that what Lenny does?

Doesn't he rape somebody?

All right, a groupie story.

Robbie meets a groupie, okay?

Groupie is sister
of the drummer.

Robbie gets groupie pregnant.

Robbie does the right thing.

Robbie proposes.

Then Robbie meets
another groupie

at this really shitty
little tour in Tulsa

for this Doug Henning
magic show.

Robbie confesses
to first groupie

about second groupie.

First groupie leaves Robbie.

Robbie sits in his house alone
for years.

Time passes.

Not very rock and roll.

- So you've got kids?

- Two.

Here.

Here's a picture.

Careful.

You got to add
seven years, though.

That-that was taken
awhile ago.

Cute?

- They're all right.

- Shouldn't we be seeing
the outpoint by now?

- Do you think we missed it?

- We didn't go
by a train trestle?

- We passed a bridge, like,
an hour ago.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Yeah, but I don't think
we passed a train trestle.

- A bridge
or a train trestle?

- I don't know
what a train trestle is.

- Shit.

A bridge is something that goes
over the river, all right?

A train trestle goes
over the river too,

but it has lots of supports,

'cause trains
are really fucking heavy.

Did it have lots of supports,

or was it just like,
a half a fucking donut hole?

- I don't remember.

[aggressive rock music]

♪ ♪

- Man, we've been on this river
twice as long as that guy said.

- I think we should keep going.

- It's gonna be pitch-black

out here in 20 minutes,
you know.

We don't have flashlights.

Being on a river in the dark
is a bad idea.

You know, I got to be
out of here by 6:00

and on the road.

I cannot get stuck out here.

We are not
getting stuck out here.

- Well, what do you want to do?

- I want you to paddle.

We're not gonna spend
another fucking minute

in this boat, all right?

We're walking.

I don't even know
where we'd walk out of here.

Where the hell would we even
walk out of this place?

- Maybe they'll send
a rescue boat.

- Who?

- The guy at the store.

- Oh, yeah, the guy at the store
is gonna send a rescue boat.

- I don't know.

- All right, what do we have?

- We got five beers
and some chicken tenders.

- God damn.
God damn it.

- No, don't say that.

We're gonna need
all the help we can get.

Robbie, I hope you're not
regretting this, 'cause—

- I don't remember you, okay?

I don't remember you at all.

- What-what—what do you mean
you don't remember me?

- What I mean is,
I don't remember you, okay?

How exactly do we
know each other anyway, huh?

- You were over at my house.

- Where's your house?

Where's your fucking house?

Why would I be there?

You know all this shit about me.

How do you know it?

Why?

- Because you were dating
my sister.

- Who's your sister?

Who's your fucking sister?

- My sister is
Janice Smoortser.

- Janice Smoortser.

Janice Smoortser
had a brother.

Dude, there were so many girls,

which means a lot
of little brothers, okay,

a lot of little sisters,
a lot of moms, a lot of dads.

It was a long time ago,
all right?

I'm sorry.

- You really don't remember me?

- No, I do not, like, at all.

- Then why did you come here?

- Because you
were relentless, man.

You were relentless.

You fucking hammered me,

and you sent me a picture of you

looking like a sap ass
just like now

with your little priest collar,

and who am I?

Who am I to say no to a priest?

I think you sent me
50 to 75 emails.

You fucking hammered
and hammered and hammered me,

and you get to a point
where you wear somebody down.

I fucking gave up,
and I showed up.

Do you know what else?

I don't have anything!

I have nothing in my life!

I have nothing better to do
but sit here with you,

you fucking dork.

So I'm out here in the woods
with Father Doofus

when I should be at work,

and I'm probably
gonna get fired.

Janice Smoortser.

Jesus Christ.

- Gimme that.

[screams]

- That's great.

You know,
we could've used a fire.

That was really stupid.

- You were my hero.

I looked up to you.

I read your stories.

I told your stories.

- All right, Father Billy—

- Hey, hey, hey!

Father Billy is for my friends.

You can call me Father William.

Father Will-yam.

[grunts]

- God, you're an asshole.

Huh?

Do you like this?

Do you like your
fucking chicken tender?

- Don't throw my—

- You don't like them?

- Don't throw my—
I'll throw your beer.

- Fuck you.

- Why are you doing this?

I invited you out here,
and then you come here.

You were my guest,

and then you just use
your blasphemy

and seduction techniques on me.

- No, no, I didn't seduce you.

- You made jokes
about raping me.

- That was Of Mice and Men.

It's a fucking
John Steinbeck joke.

Are you retarded?

-I don't care
about John Stein-buck!

There was no train trestle,
was there?

This is all a part of your plot,
wasn't it?

- Dude, you're insane.
- You're insane.

- You—you invited me.

Don't!
Stop it!

We're gonna be out here
all night in the cold

with no fucking—
is that the last one?

- This is the last beer.

- I suggest you take that beer,
and you drink it.

Billy, I'm telling you,
god damn it.

Don't you fucking do that.

Don't do it, Billy.
- I'm gonna.

- No, we're gonna be out here
in the cold.

We're gonna want that.

Billy, Billy,
Billy, Billy, Billy!

- What? What?
What? What? What?

- Don't do it.
Don't do it.

- What? What?
What? What? What?

- What do you want me to say?

You want me to tell you
I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.

You want me to tell you
it got out of hand?

It got out of fucking hand.

Listen to me, okay?

I am sorry,
but we should sit down,

and we should split that, okay?

Let me—
let me have that.

Okay, all right.

Man, if it makes you
feel any better...

You're the only one who ever
gave a shit about those stories.

I didn't even know
anybody ever read 'em.

You're the only one
who ever listened to my music.

Do you know what we need to do?

We need to sit here.

We need to get through
the night.

Then I go back to work,
you go back to work, okay?

Let's just sit down,
and let's chill out.

This is stupid, okay?

[laughs]

- [belches]

Were you in love
with my sister?

- Not really, Billy.

Not at all.

- [laughs]

[women singing in Japanese]

It's a rescue boat!

- Oh, hey, hey!

Hey!

- Hey!

- Where are the railroad tracks?

- There are no railroad tracks,
ladies.

- Can we camp with you?

Both: Yes.

- We have lots of food.

- [laughs]

- Please.

[speaking Japanese]

- This is awesome.

What the heck is going on?

- Dude, they're beautiful.

- Please.

- Oh, Gracias.

- What is it?

- Please.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.
- Very good.

Please, thank you.
- I don't really eat this.

- Please.
- Please.

- Please?

This is delicious.

- What is in this thing?

- Plea—please.

- It's like eyes and skin.

- I ate a tooth.

- Are we gonna have dessert?

- [speaking Japanese]

- I could just hold for dessert
and not eat this.

- You are dessert.

- I am dessert?

- Yeah.

- Yes, very good.

- Mm-hmm, that's delicious.

- [speaking Japanese]

- Oda-ma—
what is it?

- [speaking Japanese]

- Odamaida.

- [speaking Japanese]

- What was that?

- Jim.
-Jim?

Your name is Jim?

- Hai.

- Huckleberry Finn desu,
Tom Sawyer desu,

Jim desu.

- Huckleberry Finn.
- Hai.

- Tom Sawyer.
- Hai.

- Jim-dess.
- Oh, I get it.

- We take Jim to freedom.

We take him Mississippi River.

- You take Jim to freedom?

- Freedom!

- That's nice of you, I guess.

- Big black freedom.

Very sad big black man.

Very, very sad.

We take to freedom,
make him happy.

- Happy.
- Happy.

- So where are you from?

Where are you—
where are you guys all from?

- Uh, sorry.

- Oh, okay.

Where did you come from to here?

-Hmm, sorry.

- Did you come from Tokyo?

- [speaking Japanese]

- I think what he's trying
to say is, where are you from?

- Yes.

Both: Where are you from?

- Yes, yes,
where are you from?

- Dude, ask—ask Jim.

Ask Jim.

- You ask Jim.

- Ask him.

- Ask Jim.
- Yeah.

Both: Jim-chan.

- It's not that important.

- Ask him.

Just ask him.
- Jim?

Where are you from?

- I don't think he heard you.

Ask him louder.

- I knew—

[shouting]
Jim, where are you from?

See, I told you
he wasn't gonna tell us.

[both speaking Japanese]

- Tom Sawyer would like to know
if she can kiss you.

- Oh, yeah.

- No, I-

Wait, she would like to
give me a kiss?

- Yes.

- No, I'm a priest, so—

I'm a priest.

[both speaking Japanese]

- She says it's okay.

- No, it's not, it's not—

- Panda kiss.

- Please.

You are very cute.

- No.

- Hey, Tom Sawyer.

I'll give you a kiss.

- No!

- [giggles]

[both speaking Japanese]

- Lucky dog.

Wow.

- Now, please, campfire story.

- Campfire story?

- Yes, please.

- Japanese custom.

- There's the greatest
campfire story man

in the world right there.

- You tell 'em a story.

They gave you a kiss.

Get a—get a story
from cute boy.

- Robbie, don't be shy.

Tell us a campfire story.

- Don't be shy!

- I can't think of one.

- Please!

- Robbie.

- I don't—I don't have—

- Robbie.
- Robbie.

- I don't have another story.

- You've got to.

- You got to.

- Robbie!
- Robbie!

Both: Robbie!

- Campfire story.

All: Robbie!
Robbie!

- Campfire story.

- All right, you guys
want a story?

- Story.

- You want one?
- Yeah.

- All right.

This is one I've never told you.
- Ooh.

- I don't think you've ever
heard this one before.

This one is about
the depressed businessman.

This guy was
at the end of his rope.

His life was horrible.

He never married.

His parents were both killed
in a tragic accident,

so he'd been alone
most of his life.

He lost every cent he ever had.

He had put it all into
the stock market,

and he lost it.

[woman moaning]

[bed springs squeaking]

- Oh.
- Oh.

- And now—now he had had
this enormous business deal,

and he screwed it up,

and this was gonna be the one
that brought him back,

and he blew that.

- If he had no money,

how was he gonna be involved
in a business deal?

- He was using credit cards.

- He was doing it
on credit cards?

- He was
doing it on credit cards.

- You should never do that.

- So anyway...

Now, just to say, okay,

he'd been contemplating this
for a very long time.

This was not a rash decision,
okay?

This guy was in dire straits.

He was ready.

He was prepared
to leave this world.

This was it.

This was his end.

[gun clicks]

Click, nothing.

Nothing at all.

He takes the gun and just—
just on a whim,

he aims it towards the wall.

[gunshot]

This time, it goes off.

There's a couple next door
making love,

and he shot the woman.

Killed her, right?

And so the guy
looks through the hole

that the bullet went through.

He just said,
"Dude, you just shot my woman!

What are you,
out of your mind?"

He was so bereft from this,
click, nothing.

[gunshot]

Now, by this time, the guy
had come out of the hotel room.

He was knocking on the door.

He was like,
"Dude, you open the door!”

He aimed it
towards the door.

[gunshot]

The cops are coming, okay?

Because the body count is being
racked up at the hotel,

and it's coming quick.

But wait, wait, one more thing
I've got to interject, though.

This guy is a total pacifist,
okay?

He's never harmed or hurt
anybody in his entire life.

He's a member
of the Nature Conservancy

for Christ's sake, right?

And here he was
prepared to meet his maker,

and in the last seconds
of his life,

this gentle soul
becomes a murderer, right?

And so, cut back.

[sirens approaching]

- [screams]

[grunting]

- And so he knows
what's gonna happen.

He can go out there,

and the police
will blow him away.

The police will do it for him.

He opens up the door.

All the police were out there.

He gets ready.

Bam! Bam! Bam!
Bam! Bam! Bam!

He fires 'em all out there,

and then he gets ready
and leans back,

and he's ready to just be

riddled with bullets
by the cops.

[guns clicking]

Nothing.
Nothing.

All he hears,
two dozen guns misfiring.

Tck, tck, tek,
tck, tek, tck, tek.

No relief.

Not one bullet fired.

[both speaking Japanese]

- Right?

- [clicking]

- See, they got it.
They got it.

[both speaking Japanese]

- What is, uh, ending?

- [laughs]

Oh, god damn it.

That is the ending.

That's—that's it.

That's the ending.

- [speaking Japanese]

- What?

- Bad.

Boo-boo, boo.

- Bad?
- Bad.

- Bad story?

- We don't like it.

- The whole story, no?

- Hm.

- No.
- No.

- No good.
- No good.

- Bad ending.

Bad!

- like it.

- Thank you, Billy.

- You don't like the ending?

- No.

No ending.

- No like ending.

- You liked the beginning?

- Hmm.

So-so.

- Well, I hate to
poo-poo this party,

but someone has got to pee-pee.

[laughter]

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye, be careful.

- [humming]

- Father?
- Ah!

Don't!
Don't do that.

Don't sneak up on somebody
while they're urinating.

- I'm sorry, Father.

- Please, I'm having
a private moment here.

Would you please honor that
and give me some space?

Oh, jeez.

Thank you.

It might be a moment.

I had a few brew-skies.

Whoo!

I don't think
I've ever peed this much.

I guess this multiplies
in your stomach.

Is that what it does, beer?

Does beer multiply
in your stomach?

Do you—

You don't talk much.

Ah, okay.

Almost done.

Ah.

I guess you can't wash
your hands anywhere out here.

- Father, I need to
speak with you.

- Okay.

Do you want to talk
in the bathroom, or—

- I need to make a confession.

- Um, okay.

I guess
you're not Japanese, huh?

- Look, I did
something horrible.

I need forgiveness for it,
Father.

- What did you do?

[both speaking Japanese]

- You know that guy,
that Father Billy?

I've known him
since ninth grade.

He was my only fan.

You guys,
he sent me a fan letter.

That guy, he knew every song
that I'd ever wrote.

He remembered stories
that I read back then.

[both speaking Japanese]

He's a good guy.

What is that?

Hey.

Can I have some?

- [speaking Japanese]

This make you stop,
uh, talking.

- Thank you.

- Hai.
- Hai.

Whoa.

It makes your mouth numb.

- Why Billy friends
with someone like you?

We don't know either.

- Oh, God, please.

Look, Father,
I'm not a bad man.

It wasn't my fault.

They made me do it.

- Jim, this is weird.

We look weird back here.

Please get up.

- No, we went to church, man.

I always took communion.

- Jim, I don't want the girls
to see us like this.

- It isn't something
I planned.

It just happened.

Please forgive me.

- Jim, the Lord forgives you.

It's just that,

I think we might be
in my pee puddle right now.

Okay.

Jim, let's go.

Oh, okay, okay,
there you go.

Oh.

So is your name Jim?

What is it?

- Tim.

- Tim.

Is that short for Timothy?

- Yes.

[crying]

- Oh, I'm sorry.

[both speaking Japanese]

- Hey, whoa, we got a show
starting here.

- What is this?
- I don't know.

- Is this, like, a concert
or something?

- I don't know.

- This is about the only thing

that could've taken my mind off
of what just happened.

- You got to try this.

- I just peed,

and I don't want to
drink anymore.

- No, this is part of
the whole deal.

Don't be rude, right?

This is part of the whole thing?

Both: Kanpai!

- Kanpai!

- Oh, that was good.

- It does something weird
to your mouth too.

- Aren't you glad you came out?
- Yes.

This is one of the best days
of my life,

I have a feeling.

- I know you took a long time
to answer my emails.

Wasn't this worth it?

- Yes.

And let me be the first to
apologize for not answering.

- Apology accepted.

- [laughs]

[machines humming]

- [echoing]
Is this a show?

- Whoa,
how come I can hear him?

What is this thing?

Is this—this is more than
a boom box.

- [echoing]
This is freaky.

- [echoing]
Whoa !!

Your voice sounds so weird.

- Say something to me.

- [echoing]
I slit a sheet.

The sheet I slit.

Upon this slitted sheet I sit.

- A slitted sheet,
I slit.

- Whoa, weird.

- Why aren't they looking at us?

Hey!

- These feel warm.

These feel like—

like they're making my head
a little fuzzy.

Is that right?

- Why are your eyes closed?

[laughter]

[machine beeping]

[thrumming techno music]

- Oh.

- [laughs]

Do you hear that?

God, it's beautiful.

Did you make this music?

[music continues]

♪ ♪

[rhythmic beeping]

- I can't hear you.

You're trying to talk,
but I can't hear you.

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

I can't hear you.

- Shh!

- [laughs]

[music continues]

♪ ♪

- It's a little too loud.

Is yours too loud?

Is yours too loud?

Are you okay?

You don't look good.

- No, it's okay.

I just—

Yeah, maybe it's a little loud.

Maybe it-maybe the music's
a little loud.

- Guys, can you turn it down?

[more complex beeping]

Hey, knock it off!

- Is this glue?

Do you have glue
on this fucking thing?

- Look at him, he's hurt!

Shut it off.

Robbie!

[beeping speeds up]

Robbie!

- Billy?

It's like it's
drilling between my eyes.

Tell them to stop it.

- Turn it off !
Look at Robbie!

- [screams]

That's so fucking loud!

Stop it!
Stop it!

[screaming]

- [screaming]

- Robbie!

- [screaming]

- Robbie?

Robbie!
Robbie!

- Judas Priest!

[music stops]

[laughs]

- Robbie?

Robbie?

You okay?

Robbie?

Robbie?

Robbie?

Robbie?

Oh.

Oh, Lordy.

Robbie.

His head blew off.

Robbie?

Robbie?

- ♪ I Do not I love Thee,
O my Lord? ♪

♪ Behold my heart and see ♪

♪ And turn
each cursed idol out ♪

I That dares to rival Thee

- You're going home, Robbie.

[sighs]

Robbie?

You got to help me, Robbie.

I don't know
how to steer this thing.

Can anybody help me
steer this thing?

Does anybody know
how a canoe works?

Who's gonna help me, Robbie?

Oh, my God.

Who's gonna help me now?

Oh, God.

Dear Lord, this has been
the suckiest trip for me ever.

I don't know why you're
screwing with me so bad,

but if you want to be friends,

then please, help me get
back to the church safe.

I know you work
in mysterious ways,

so if your ways are gonna get
any more mysterious,

please let that happen now.

Thank you.

Amen.

Ro—Robbie!

Robbie!
Robbie!

Robbie!

It's me, your buddy.

Robbie.

Robbie?

No.

Robbie.

Robbie Shoemaker.

You were the coolest dude ever.

Regardless of what you
thought of me

or what you did
to my sister's body,

I hope that you find peace now.

[aggressive rock guitar music}

♪ ♪

[sobbing]

[birds cawing]

Who's there?

You want to fight, birds?

What do you want?

What do you want?

[screaming]

Help!

Give me a ride!

Help! Stop!

Let me in.

You don't understand!

I sent Robbie an email,
and then he responded,

and then we went together.

It was my idea to go canoeing.

It was my idea,
but it was a bad idea,

because then his head,
it exploded.

The Japanese girls,
they made his head explode,

and it was not my fault.

It was not my fault,

but they did,
and it got all over me,

and then I ran
till I couldn't run,

and then the birds came in
and—-and I said,

"What are you doing?"

And then I got—

And then I fought that man,
and I kicked him.

I'm begging you, please.

- All right, hey,
just get in.

- Aw.

Aw.

[engine turns over]

- ♪ Oh, sinner, do not stray ♪

♪ From the straight
and narrow way ♪

♪ For the Lord is surely
watching what you do ♪

♪ If you approach
the devil's den ♪

♪ Turn round,
don't enter in ♪

♪ Lest the hand of the Almighty
fall on you ♪

♪ He'll fuck you up ♪

♪ Yes, God will fuck you up ♪

♪ If you dare to disobey
his stern command ♪

♪ He'll fuck you up ♪

♪ Don't you know
he'll fuck you up ♪

♪ So you better do some praying
while you can ♪

♪ Long ago a man named Lot ♪

♪ Had a wife
he thought was hot ♪

♪ But she could not stop
her black and sinful ways ♪

♪ You know it was
her own damn fault ♪

♪ When God turned that bitch
to salt ♪

♪ That's the way he used to
work back in those days ♪

♪ He fucked 'em up ♪

♪ He really fucked 'em up ♪

♪ When the people went
and turned their backs on him ♪

♪ He can fuck you up ♪

♪ No shit,
he'll fuck you up ♪

♪ Just like he fucked
the people up back then ♪

- It's a sad story,
ultimately,

a tragedy,
perhaps, uh...

a little out there.

But I'm not sure
I'm understanding what, uh...

I mean, it—

- Well, I think
it's a love story.

- Yes?

- Yes, sure.

But—but—
but I'm just not positive.

If he's totally surrounded
by concrete,

just stuck inside
this concrete pillar,

then where else
can the story go?

I - I just wondered.

Um, is it hopeless?

- Well, this was
a wonderful discussion.

I think we should pick up
where we left off next week.

We should go home
and think about this some more,

really, really think about it.

Okay,
I'll see you all next week.

In the name of the Father, Son,
Holy Spirit, amen.

And next week, I'll share
with you a new parable

about a businessman
at the end of his rope.

All right,
have a great weekend, everybody.

It's really nice.

- Thank you, Father.
- Oh, thank you.

- I really did feel you
hitting on something there.

- Oh, thank you.

- Very inspirational.

- Thank you.

- They seem to be very pensive
this week, Father.

I'm hearing some good things.

- Yes, we're having
some great discussions.

- I'm proud of you, my son.

You've come a long way
in a short amount of time.

I think that the vacation did
you some good, wouldn't you say?

- I think so.

- Oh, by the way,
these—these came for you.

They were in my box.

- Oh.
Thank you, Father.

- You're welcome.

It's good to see you,
Father William,

young and strong and healthy.

Blessed be the saints.

Father, could I see you
over here for a minute, please?

[aggressive rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ My main man Jesus is ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

♪ In my heart, Jesus lives ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

[guitar solo}

♪ ♪

♪ My main man Jesus is ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

♪ In my heart, Jesus lives ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

[guitar solo}

♪ ♪

♪ My main man Jesus is ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

♪ In my heart, Jesus lives ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

[gentle acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ My main man Jesus is ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

♪ In my heart, Jesus lives ♪

♪ Because my main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

Yes, he is.

♪ Through my hands,
Jesus gives ♪

♪ Through my hands,
Jesus gives and gives ♪

♪ And in my arm,
Jesus lives ♪

♪ 'Cause my main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ My main man Jesus is ♪

♪ My main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪

♪ In my heart, Jesus lives ♪

♪ 'Cause my main man ♪

♪ Jesus is my main man ♪