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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:17,623 Darling, are you okay? 2 00:00:17,874 --> 00:00:20,110 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 3 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,923 Something is wrong with Laszlo. 4 00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:23,937 It has been like this a few weeks now. 5 00:00:23,948 --> 00:00:26,951 He just sits in the library, staring off into space. 6 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,156 I have never seen him like this before. 7 00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:31,387 Ah, Laszlo, I've just been reading this book 8 00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,693 about the Battle Of Quiberon Bay. 9 00:00:33,704 --> 00:00:35,606 Could you explain to me the difference between 10 00:00:35,617 --> 00:00:40,249 an Endymion-class frigate and a brigantine? 11 00:00:40,260 --> 00:00:42,544 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 12 00:00:42,577 --> 00:00:44,208 I fear I am to blame. 13 00:00:44,219 --> 00:00:45,888 Laszlo is so worried about this hex 14 00:00:45,899 --> 00:00:47,804 that is ruining my eternal life 15 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,046 that he is emotionally depleted. 16 00:00:50,057 --> 00:00:51,408 Sadly, I think it is 17 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,488 because his world has been rocked 18 00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,849 by the fact that I am in such a good place. 19 00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:59,416 Actually, I keep having these dreams 20 00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:02,030 where I'm a small child, 21 00:01:02,041 --> 00:01:05,402 and Laszlo is... my daddy. 22 00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:08,054 Oh, that is actually because that did happen, Colin Robinson. 23 00:01:08,065 --> 00:01:11,154 I think I would remember Laszlo wiping my bottom. 24 00:01:11,165 --> 00:01:12,507 It's 'cause he did. 25 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:13,908 Though, to be fair, that... 26 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,521 that is what's happening 27 00:01:15,532 --> 00:01:16,670 in-in the dream. 28 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:17,812 - Ew. - Please stop. 29 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,305 Laszlo? 30 00:01:19,316 --> 00:01:20,617 Laszlo? 31 00:01:20,628 --> 00:01:21,881 Yeah, it's my fault. 32 00:01:21,892 --> 00:01:23,654 Laszlo's been working so hard to figure out 33 00:01:23,665 --> 00:01:25,201 why I'm not a full vampire yet. 34 00:01:25,212 --> 00:01:27,215 And Laszlo hates defeat, so, 35 00:01:27,226 --> 00:01:28,774 I think it's broken his brain. 36 00:01:28,785 --> 00:01:30,779 Laszlo, I just want you to know that it's okay. 37 00:01:30,790 --> 00:01:32,462 - You did your best. - Gizmo? 38 00:01:32,473 --> 00:01:34,303 Ah. Yes. Yes, I'm here for you. 39 00:01:34,314 --> 00:01:36,242 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 40 00:01:36,409 --> 00:01:38,584 Even his libido is out of whack. 41 00:01:38,595 --> 00:01:41,598 I mean, we are down to, like, only 16 fucks a week. 42 00:01:41,830 --> 00:01:43,860 We are down to just three. 43 00:01:43,995 --> 00:01:46,975 I can't even get enough of a rise out of him 44 00:01:47,008 --> 00:01:48,015 for a mini-drain. 45 00:01:48,026 --> 00:01:50,146 Oh, good Lord. Ooh! 46 00:01:50,157 --> 00:01:54,262 Does the limited warranty cover the power cord, or just 47 00:01:54,273 --> 00:01:56,840 - the main unit itself? - Ooh, I have been hammering 48 00:01:56,851 --> 00:01:59,164 - so hard on these big nails. - Good one, Jimbo. You got me there. 49 00:01:59,175 --> 00:02:01,177 - Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure. - Ooh. Ooh. 50 00:02:01,188 --> 00:02:02,913 Let's pound some rivets, baby. 51 00:02:02,924 --> 00:02:03,970 Look what I found. 52 00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:06,909 A big box of ships and pornography. 53 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,022 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 54 00:02:38,855 --> 00:02:43,855 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 55 00:02:44,411 --> 00:02:46,747 Ugh. Anything? 56 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,970 Remember: there are no stupid ideas, 57 00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:51,339 just stupid people. 58 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,708 What do we know about Laszlo? 59 00:02:53,719 --> 00:02:55,174 Guillermo, you spend 60 00:02:55,185 --> 00:02:57,667 a lot of your life being very miserable and sad. 61 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,681 Do you have any ideas? 62 00:03:00,326 --> 00:03:02,717 - Okay. - Is it all right if I pitch an idea? 63 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:06,554 What about if we threw Laszlo a roast? 64 00:03:06,565 --> 00:03:09,969 Right? Where we all give funny speeches about Laszlo, 65 00:03:09,980 --> 00:03:11,520 kind of tease him a little bit, 66 00:03:11,531 --> 00:03:14,482 and it just makes him so happy for some reason? 67 00:03:14,493 --> 00:03:16,062 Hold on! 68 00:03:16,073 --> 00:03:17,999 - I've got one. - Yes? 69 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,587 Nope. Lost it. 70 00:03:19,598 --> 00:03:21,736 What if... hear me out on this... 71 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:25,243 what if we threw Laszlo a roast? 72 00:03:25,254 --> 00:03:26,341 Love that idea! 73 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,776 Now, this is an idea I like! 74 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:31,166 - I just said that. - How did you think of that? 75 00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:33,260 - I said it so loud. - Well done, Colin. 76 00:03:34,827 --> 00:03:37,863 No peeking, cheeky. 77 00:03:40,007 --> 00:03:41,556 Surprise! 78 00:03:46,374 --> 00:03:50,386 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the official roast 79 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:53,601 of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth! 80 00:03:56,638 --> 00:04:00,108 Yes, Laszlo, this night is for you. 81 00:04:00,775 --> 00:04:02,010 Just look at this crowd! 82 00:04:02,043 --> 00:04:04,846 We gathered all 83 00:04:04,879 --> 00:04:08,726 the people that love you into this one room. 84 00:04:08,737 --> 00:04:10,807 And then when we saw all the empty chairs, 85 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:14,238 we decided to drag some randos in off the street to fill them! 86 00:04:15,753 --> 00:04:20,647 So many illustrious guests here on the dais tonight. 87 00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:22,630 And also Colin Robinson. 88 00:04:25,021 --> 00:04:27,036 He got me. I got got. 89 00:04:27,047 --> 00:04:29,637 Our neighbor Sean is here. 90 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:33,012 - Hey-yo! - Don't worry. We hypnotized him 91 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,684 so he's not gonna remember anything tomorrow. 92 00:04:35,695 --> 00:04:37,779 - Seanie. - Seanie. 93 00:04:37,812 --> 00:04:41,883 I see the great Baron Afanas is here this evening, 94 00:04:41,916 --> 00:04:46,636 restored to his original splendor, thank goodness. 95 00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:49,711 For a couple of years, the baron looked a lot like 96 00:04:49,722 --> 00:04:53,419 if George Hamilton had had sex with some pork rinds. 97 00:04:55,122 --> 00:04:58,827 - Hmm. - I see that The Guide is also here. 98 00:05:01,572 --> 00:05:04,606 So, everyone, please join me 99 00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,674 in saluting the man of the hour, 100 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:09,611 the one, the only Laszlo Cravensworth. 101 00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:14,477 We've known each other so many, many years, you know. 102 00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:17,039 We can practically finish each other's hand jobs. 103 00:05:18,072 --> 00:05:19,075 Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 104 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,755 We are just getting started. It is your roast. 105 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,757 A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. 106 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:25,254 It's Laszlo's roast. 107 00:05:25,265 --> 00:05:26,861 - It is his... - Roast. 108 00:05:27,138 --> 00:05:28,763 - It's Laszlo's... - Roast! 109 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,224 We'll be back right after this. 110 00:05:34,476 --> 00:05:36,999 If you think the missionary position involves 111 00:05:37,010 --> 00:05:38,959 lying on top of a missionary, 112 00:05:38,970 --> 00:05:41,843 you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth! 113 00:05:43,474 --> 00:05:47,048 If the first thing you look for in a woman is your dick, 114 00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:48,783 you might just be... 115 00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:51,386 a Laszlo Cravensworth! 116 00:05:53,297 --> 00:05:56,162 If you think ejaculating onto the pillow counts 117 00:05:56,173 --> 00:05:59,694 as "cooking your wife dinner," you might just be... 118 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,996 A Laszlo Cravensworth. 119 00:06:04,277 --> 00:06:06,546 Women can be funny. 120 00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,571 Ooh. 121 00:06:09,604 --> 00:06:12,100 Some describe Laszlo 122 00:06:12,111 --> 00:06:16,444 as a man of arts and letters. 123 00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:20,202 I can think of a couple of letters to describe Laszlo. 124 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,678 "F" and "W." 125 00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:27,794 Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U." 126 00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:30,308 Sorry. It was supposed to be "F" and... 127 00:06:30,319 --> 00:06:32,549 I think I'm just going 128 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,529 to tell a story. 129 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:37,665 A story called "The Aristocrats." 130 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:41,402 Ah, shit. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say the name till the end. 131 00:06:41,413 --> 00:06:43,115 Forget I said the name of it. 132 00:06:43,126 --> 00:06:46,837 Um, anyway, a father, a mother, a son 133 00:06:46,848 --> 00:06:50,600 and a daughter walk into a talent agent's office. 134 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,513 And the... the father says, 135 00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:55,587 "Boy, have I got an act for you!" 136 00:06:56,001 --> 00:07:00,419 Uh, and the talent agent says, "Well, let's see it then." 137 00:07:00,430 --> 00:07:02,523 Oh, and-and there's a... a dog. 138 00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:05,460 Uh, the family dog. That's important to note. 139 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:11,492 Up next, we have a man 140 00:07:11,503 --> 00:07:16,587 who knows more about roasting than his beloved Arby's. 141 00:07:17,939 --> 00:07:21,314 - Hmm? - When this guy starts roasting a vampire, 142 00:07:21,325 --> 00:07:24,705 you better bring a bun, and also some ketchup. 143 00:07:26,624 --> 00:07:28,300 I don't get it. 144 00:07:28,311 --> 00:07:30,451 I did whisper to the baron that 145 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,654 it was Guillermo who opened the door 146 00:07:32,687 --> 00:07:35,957 that let the sun come in to burn his body into bits, you know, 147 00:07:35,990 --> 00:07:37,659 a few years ago because 148 00:07:37,692 --> 00:07:39,594 he didn't know what the joke was. 149 00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:42,503 And I was trying to help him, 'cause being left out of a joke, 150 00:07:42,514 --> 00:07:43,598 it sucks. 151 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,533 So give it up for an expert 152 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,468 on raking 'em over the coals, 153 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:48,770 or should I say the foyer rug... 154 00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:50,104 Okay, okay. Thank you. 155 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,673 And then I did also mention 156 00:07:51,706 --> 00:07:54,102 that Guillermo had Van Helsing lineage. 157 00:07:54,113 --> 00:07:55,513 That one just slipped out. 158 00:07:55,524 --> 00:07:59,729 So, we are all here tonight to honor Laszlo Cravensworth. 159 00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:03,497 Cravensworth? I'm more like, 160 00:08:03,508 --> 00:08:05,520 Cravensworth-less. 161 00:08:07,088 --> 00:08:09,591 Might I say a word or two? 162 00:08:09,624 --> 00:08:11,793 Yes, absolutely, Baron. Please vacate 163 00:08:11,826 --> 00:08:15,204 the microphone for the baron. Please welcome a man 164 00:08:15,215 --> 00:08:18,533 who knows quite a lot about... sick burns. 165 00:08:23,015 --> 00:08:24,299 Baron Afanas. 166 00:08:28,584 --> 00:08:31,240 Look at this festive assembly. 167 00:08:31,251 --> 00:08:33,381 All of us, gathered here together, 168 00:08:33,414 --> 00:08:35,950 chuckling at jokes and silliness. 169 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:38,519 And jackanapery. 170 00:08:40,397 --> 00:08:42,590 I guess there's only one thing left to say. 171 00:08:43,413 --> 00:08:45,888 What is this shit? 172 00:08:47,916 --> 00:08:49,451 Very good. 173 00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,384 You call yourselves vampires? 174 00:08:51,395 --> 00:08:54,850 Bah. This entire evening has been nothing but 175 00:08:54,861 --> 00:08:57,822 a pageant of insipid nonsense. 176 00:08:57,833 --> 00:08:59,122 Yes. 177 00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:02,443 Worshipping at the altar of your own mediocre frivolity. 178 00:09:03,199 --> 00:09:04,913 A jester's hollow dance. 179 00:09:05,342 --> 00:09:06,738 And who is laughing? 180 00:09:06,749 --> 00:09:07,916 Yeah! 181 00:09:10,865 --> 00:09:12,354 Vampires are supposed to have 182 00:09:12,365 --> 00:09:15,557 blood orgies and slaughter circles. 183 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,858 Gah! You have all gone soft. 184 00:09:18,379 --> 00:09:21,062 You even invited humans to this asinine affair. 185 00:09:21,276 --> 00:09:22,711 All right, you know what? Sean is cool. 186 00:09:22,749 --> 00:09:24,374 He's a good time. I take that one back. 187 00:09:24,385 --> 00:09:26,067 But everything else is an embarrassment 188 00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:29,257 to the very word "vampire." 189 00:09:30,248 --> 00:09:31,530 Baron, we just were 190 00:09:31,541 --> 00:09:34,427 trying to, you know, cheer up Laszlo a bit. 191 00:09:34,438 --> 00:09:36,218 He just hasn't been himself lately. 192 00:09:36,229 --> 00:09:40,778 Vampires do not need cheering up! 193 00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:44,052 We vampires are not cheerful creatures. 194 00:09:44,085 --> 00:09:47,587 We sit, and we brood, for centuries on end, 195 00:09:47,598 --> 00:09:51,482 plotting the demise of our foes and innocent bystanders alike! 196 00:09:51,493 --> 00:09:54,494 - Oh, okay, I guess we didn't really see it like that... - Uh! 197 00:09:54,505 --> 00:09:56,814 And the worst part? 198 00:09:56,825 --> 00:09:59,706 I find out only tonight 199 00:09:59,717 --> 00:10:04,769 that you have all been keeping secrets around here, have you not? 200 00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:10,377 For years, I now know that you have been harboring 201 00:10:10,388 --> 00:10:12,847 a vampire killer... 202 00:10:13,385 --> 00:10:16,388 right here under your own roof... 203 00:10:16,399 --> 00:10:21,118 - Uh... - ... who, in fact, tried to kill me. 204 00:10:21,129 --> 00:10:23,011 What? What vampire... 205 00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:24,900 Do not insult my intelligence! 206 00:10:24,911 --> 00:10:27,867 So, vampire killer. 207 00:10:30,853 --> 00:10:34,424 Do you have anything to say for yourself? 208 00:10:34,971 --> 00:10:35,985 Well, I, uh... 209 00:10:35,996 --> 00:10:38,720 It doesn't matter what you have to say! Seize him! 210 00:10:38,731 --> 00:10:40,566 Run! 211 00:10:51,448 --> 00:10:53,823 Baron, show him mercy! 212 00:10:53,834 --> 00:10:56,757 Let us give you the very simple explanation! 213 00:11:05,416 --> 00:11:06,535 - Guillermo. - Guillermo. 214 00:11:06,546 --> 00:11:08,734 Are-are you o... 215 00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:11,269 - Behind you. - What? 216 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,646 - Ooh. - Laszlo? 217 00:11:16,657 --> 00:11:19,550 - Laszlo! - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 218 00:11:34,047 --> 00:11:35,242 Baron, stop! 219 00:11:35,253 --> 00:11:38,202 - It was just a mix-em-up! - A whoopsie-daisy! 220 00:11:38,213 --> 00:11:39,781 Stay out of this! 221 00:11:52,506 --> 00:11:54,442 Gah! 222 00:11:56,423 --> 00:11:58,321 - Don't film this. - Okay. 223 00:11:58,332 --> 00:12:00,020 - Hey, guys. - Not now! 224 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,154 Oh, I just wanted to take a quick moment 225 00:12:02,165 --> 00:12:04,134 to apologize for telling the baron 226 00:12:04,161 --> 00:12:06,197 that it was Guillermo who burned him to a crisp. 227 00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:07,965 - Not now. - That's on me. 228 00:12:08,291 --> 00:12:10,460 - Are you done? - Sorry. 229 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,126 You know what, Nandor? I think let's just sit this one out. 230 00:12:13,137 --> 00:12:15,817 Let them two sort it out between themselves. 231 00:12:15,828 --> 00:12:17,297 Hmm? 232 00:12:17,308 --> 00:12:18,714 Ah... 233 00:12:18,725 --> 00:12:21,888 You are forgetting that Guillermo is a vampire killer. 234 00:12:21,899 --> 00:12:23,242 Which means he could kill the baron. 235 00:12:23,253 --> 00:12:26,072 We are direct descendants of the baron's vampiric line, 236 00:12:26,083 --> 00:12:27,880 which means we would all die. 237 00:12:27,891 --> 00:12:29,497 Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing 238 00:12:29,508 --> 00:12:31,666 - if we ended up dying? - Wh... Are you okay? 239 00:12:31,677 --> 00:12:34,802 Yeah. I've just been going through a lot lately. 240 00:12:34,813 --> 00:12:36,411 So... Fine. 241 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:41,537 if we want to live, then yes, I do have a plan. 242 00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:45,330 Guillermo? 243 00:12:46,904 --> 00:12:49,660 - Nadja, anything? - No! 244 00:12:49,671 --> 00:12:51,837 No sign of Gizmo or the baron. 245 00:12:51,848 --> 00:12:53,350 Wait. Hang on. Hey! 246 00:12:53,361 --> 00:12:55,497 Come here, you little shit! 247 00:12:55,646 --> 00:12:56,756 Shit. 248 00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,002 - What? - I got him! 249 00:12:58,013 --> 00:12:59,451 Meet me out front! 250 00:12:59,462 --> 00:13:03,065 She's got him! I'm coming! 251 00:13:04,474 --> 00:13:07,578 - You got Guillermo? - No. The baron. 252 00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,660 Are you telling me Baron Afanas cannot fight 253 00:13:09,693 --> 00:13:12,311 - his way out of a burlap sack? - I think he's injured. 254 00:13:12,322 --> 00:13:14,540 We had quite the scuffle in there. 255 00:13:14,551 --> 00:13:15,993 How badly is he hurt? 256 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,624 - There you are. - Because if he dies... 257 00:13:17,635 --> 00:13:19,003 - Yes, we know. - Oh, shut up, Guillermo. 258 00:13:19,036 --> 00:13:20,938 Guillermo, help me. 259 00:13:20,949 --> 00:13:24,487 These two imbeciles, they are trying to kill me. 260 00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:27,681 You know, if you help the baron, he might forgive you. 261 00:13:27,692 --> 00:13:31,082 Yeah. Okay, Baron. I want to help you. 262 00:13:31,137 --> 00:13:33,373 - But you have to promise not to hurt me. - Yes. 263 00:13:33,384 --> 00:13:35,186 - I promise. Please. - Okay, then. 264 00:13:35,219 --> 00:13:37,327 Let's just get you out of here. You're gonna be safe. 265 00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:38,789 And... 266 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:41,336 All right, dudes. 267 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,162 Now what? Yoo-hoo? 268 00:13:44,173 --> 00:13:45,488 Baron? 269 00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:47,827 We've got the little motherfucker, Baron! 270 00:13:50,434 --> 00:13:51,536 Nicely done. 271 00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:53,660 And now? Leave him to me. 272 00:13:53,671 --> 00:13:55,973 Baron, we ask that you show Guillermo mercy. 273 00:13:56,006 --> 00:13:58,075 No! Ow. 274 00:14:02,799 --> 00:14:04,400 What is the meaning of this? 275 00:14:05,349 --> 00:14:07,085 - Sorry. - Terribly. 276 00:14:08,953 --> 00:14:11,255 So, to review again, Baron... 277 00:14:11,266 --> 00:14:13,235 - Mm-hmm. - ... you agree that 278 00:14:13,246 --> 00:14:15,671 when Guillermo opened the door 279 00:14:15,682 --> 00:14:17,328 and fried you by the sun, 280 00:14:17,383 --> 00:14:20,353 he did not know that you were inside at the time? 281 00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:22,066 I do. 282 00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:23,479 Great. And, Guillermo, 283 00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:25,963 you accept, even though it was an accident, 284 00:14:25,974 --> 00:14:29,811 that the baron has every right to be very mad 285 00:14:29,822 --> 00:14:32,343 at the fact that he got fried by the sun? 286 00:14:32,376 --> 00:14:33,485 I-I do. 287 00:14:33,496 --> 00:14:36,747 I will accept your apology if you will accept 288 00:14:36,758 --> 00:14:38,916 - the fact that I'm still going to kill you. - What? 289 00:14:38,949 --> 00:14:41,421 - No. No. - Guillermo, he is trying to meet you in the middle here. 290 00:14:41,432 --> 00:14:44,560 - Come on. - It's like he doesn't even want this to be resolved. 291 00:14:44,571 --> 00:14:45,946 By my killing him. 292 00:14:45,957 --> 00:14:47,614 No, I do want this to be resolved, but... 293 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,449 Okay, you know what? Let's take a hard five. 294 00:14:49,460 --> 00:14:53,504 Guillermo, I will take a carafe of your finest blood. 295 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:57,381 Ah, yes. Okay. I will fetch. 296 00:14:58,128 --> 00:14:59,230 Baron Afanas? 297 00:14:59,241 --> 00:15:01,393 Yes, snake? 298 00:15:03,007 --> 00:15:05,943 I can't help my vampire hunter lineage, 299 00:15:05,976 --> 00:15:08,869 but I want you to know that I have renounced it. 300 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,315 And how did you do this? 301 00:15:11,348 --> 00:15:14,747 Guillermo? This is dangerous territory. 302 00:15:14,758 --> 00:15:16,320 I... 303 00:15:16,753 --> 00:15:18,622 got turned into a vampire. 304 00:15:19,816 --> 00:15:21,050 You... 305 00:15:21,514 --> 00:15:24,240 are a vampire? 306 00:15:24,251 --> 00:15:27,898 Guillermo is a vampire? Did everybody else know this? 307 00:15:29,159 --> 00:15:32,126 Delicious. Ah! 308 00:15:34,095 --> 00:15:38,042 Oh, such a flamboyant, perverse betrayal of your own kind. 309 00:15:38,053 --> 00:15:40,646 Oh, I like it a lot. 310 00:15:40,657 --> 00:15:42,166 And kudos to Nandor. 311 00:15:42,177 --> 00:15:44,504 Mm? To turn a Van Helsing, 312 00:15:44,515 --> 00:15:46,693 a vampire killer, into a vampire? 313 00:15:46,704 --> 00:15:49,357 Oh! Oh, that is a big get. 314 00:15:49,368 --> 00:15:51,103 I must congratulate him when he returns. 315 00:15:51,141 --> 00:15:52,142 Well, see, that's the thing. 316 00:15:52,153 --> 00:15:55,107 It wasn't Nandor that turned me. 317 00:15:55,118 --> 00:15:58,427 - What? - Oh, it was that vampire named Derek. 318 00:15:58,438 --> 00:16:00,220 How could you do such a thing? 319 00:16:00,231 --> 00:16:01,466 I've just been waiting for this a long time, 320 00:16:01,499 --> 00:16:03,968 and yeah, it's still a bit sticky, but... 321 00:16:04,001 --> 00:16:05,670 Oh, "sticky"? 322 00:16:05,956 --> 00:16:10,089 I think it is a bit more than just "sticky." 323 00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:13,485 It is a devastation. A violation. 324 00:16:13,496 --> 00:16:15,213 A humiliation! 325 00:16:15,246 --> 00:16:18,182 A shame from which neither you nor Nandor shall ever recover. 326 00:16:18,215 --> 00:16:20,483 I know, I know, and that's exactly why I haven't told him. 327 00:16:20,494 --> 00:16:22,696 And I would appreciate it if none of you 328 00:16:22,707 --> 00:16:23,942 tell him, either. 329 00:16:23,953 --> 00:16:26,438 You know me, I'm-I'm like a vault... 330 00:16:26,449 --> 00:16:27,851 with stuff. 331 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:30,962 Yeah, and I'm not gonna tell anyone anything. 332 00:16:30,995 --> 00:16:33,264 In fact, I'd very much like 333 00:16:33,297 --> 00:16:36,968 to be excluded from this narrative. 334 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,095 Me, too. I should go. 335 00:16:39,106 --> 00:16:41,127 Guillermo, you and I? We are good. 336 00:16:41,138 --> 00:16:43,209 - Oh. - You all have much graver matters 337 00:16:43,220 --> 00:16:44,856 to discuss here, 338 00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:47,721 and I want no part of what might transpire if... 339 00:16:47,732 --> 00:16:51,611 Here we go! Blood for the vampires. 340 00:16:51,622 --> 00:16:53,585 - Baron. - Mm. 341 00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,884 And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo. 342 00:16:55,895 --> 00:16:58,778 - Thank you. - So, what did I miss? 343 00:16:58,789 --> 00:17:01,459 - Mm? - Oh, Guillermo and I have 344 00:17:02,330 --> 00:17:03,825 called a truce. 345 00:17:03,836 --> 00:17:07,086 A truce? So, you are not killing him, then? 346 00:17:07,097 --> 00:17:09,667 Well, I will not be the one 347 00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:12,701 to take this familiar's life tonight. 348 00:17:12,712 --> 00:17:14,013 Oh, that's great. 349 00:17:14,024 --> 00:17:15,459 Good to hear. 350 00:17:15,497 --> 00:17:17,175 So good, in fact, I propose a toast. 351 00:17:17,208 --> 00:17:19,356 To the baron, to Guillermo, 352 00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:21,981 to the work we have achieved tonight. 353 00:17:21,992 --> 00:17:23,260 Cheers! 354 00:17:26,992 --> 00:17:28,046 - Oh, that's sweet. - May I? 355 00:17:28,057 --> 00:17:29,057 Mm. 356 00:17:30,827 --> 00:17:35,003 If I could have a moment alone with Guillermo? 357 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,749 - Alone. - Mm. 358 00:17:38,869 --> 00:17:40,079 Yeah, no, please. 359 00:17:40,090 --> 00:17:42,039 - Thank you, Nandor. - Yes, thank you, Baron. 360 00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:43,692 Thank you. 361 00:17:46,159 --> 00:17:50,196 Guillermo, vampire to vampire... 362 00:17:50,523 --> 00:17:52,076 A secret like this, 363 00:17:52,483 --> 00:17:54,986 it will not stay hidden forever. 364 00:17:54,997 --> 00:17:58,116 It is best that Nandor hears it from you. 365 00:17:58,622 --> 00:18:00,524 - I know. - Mm. 366 00:18:01,028 --> 00:18:02,370 But... 367 00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:04,122 what do you think he'll do? 368 00:18:04,762 --> 00:18:06,697 Probably kill you. 369 00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:07,959 Then himself. 370 00:18:08,419 --> 00:18:09,887 That is what I would do. 371 00:18:10,693 --> 00:18:12,463 - Right. - Mm. 372 00:18:12,681 --> 00:18:15,284 You know, it's funny, I did all this because 373 00:18:15,317 --> 00:18:18,287 I want to be a vampire, a great vampire. 374 00:18:18,490 --> 00:18:21,279 - Like Nandor, like you. - Oh... 375 00:18:21,290 --> 00:18:24,117 Your heart is in the right place, my boy. 376 00:18:24,128 --> 00:18:26,762 And please know that I am rooting for you, hmm? 377 00:18:26,795 --> 00:18:29,915 - To not get killed. - Oh. Thank you. 378 00:18:29,926 --> 00:18:32,912 - But... these things happen. - Well, I hope not. 379 00:18:32,923 --> 00:18:35,502 Can't afford another accident on my watch. 380 00:18:35,513 --> 00:18:37,506 No! No! 381 00:18:37,539 --> 00:18:39,642 - Guillermo, no! No, no! - Ah, no! 382 00:18:47,262 --> 00:18:50,674 Well, things were almost okay. 383 00:18:50,685 --> 00:18:53,489 But now, not so much. 384 00:18:53,544 --> 00:18:56,447 As soon as the sun sets and the baron is awoken, 385 00:18:56,458 --> 00:19:00,466 he is going to track Guillermo down until he is very much, well... 386 00:19:00,477 --> 00:19:02,466 - Dead. - Shut up. 387 00:19:02,477 --> 00:19:04,400 I'm sure he will be safe. 388 00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:06,168 And dead. 389 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:09,128 Sunset approaches. 390 00:19:09,139 --> 00:19:12,609 Is it me, or does he look like a shriveled-up nutsack? 391 00:19:13,340 --> 00:19:17,280 - Laszlo? Any ideas? - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you. 392 00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:25,389 Oh, good evening. 393 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,432 - Baron, listen. Guillermo is... - Oh, where was I? 394 00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:30,124 Ah, yes. About to kill Guillermo, yes. 395 00:19:30,135 --> 00:19:32,555 Baron, I... I beg mercy. 396 00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:35,231 I know that Guillermo has made some mistakes. 397 00:19:35,264 --> 00:19:37,042 He nearly killed you twice. 398 00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:39,244 - Mm. - And he's even massacred 399 00:19:39,255 --> 00:19:42,005 an entire theater of vampires. 400 00:19:42,016 --> 00:19:45,886 - Wait, what? - But he did so to defend his master. 401 00:19:45,897 --> 00:19:48,099 Whatever Guillermo's flaws may be, 402 00:19:48,110 --> 00:19:50,379 he has always been loyal to me. 403 00:19:50,412 --> 00:19:52,548 - Has he? - Yes, Baron. 404 00:19:52,581 --> 00:19:54,283 Mm... 405 00:19:54,578 --> 00:19:56,137 Has he, though? 406 00:19:56,148 --> 00:19:57,602 Yes, Baron, he has. 407 00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,171 You are certain of... 408 00:19:59,182 --> 00:20:01,223 Yes! I-I am. 409 00:20:01,256 --> 00:20:04,017 Well, I would just say it is complicated, 410 00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:07,098 but we can discuss this further after I kill him, yes? 411 00:20:07,109 --> 00:20:09,732 Now, where would he run? 412 00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:13,469 I will need Guillermo's scent. 413 00:20:13,502 --> 00:20:15,071 I say, Baron, 414 00:20:15,104 --> 00:20:16,997 if you're looking for Gizmo, he's not here. 415 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,488 You'll find him in the toolshed. 416 00:20:18,499 --> 00:20:20,501 That's where he goes to hide and wank. 417 00:20:21,450 --> 00:20:22,651 Thank you. 418 00:20:23,262 --> 00:20:25,114 Why would you say that? 419 00:20:25,147 --> 00:20:26,816 Well, why delay the inevitable? 420 00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:29,880 Plus, I was sick of hearing you lot waffle on. 421 00:20:29,891 --> 00:20:31,926 If you'll excuse me... 422 00:20:39,559 --> 00:20:40,927 Guillermo! 423 00:20:41,895 --> 00:20:45,031 Well, at least he died doing what he loved: 424 00:20:45,042 --> 00:20:46,734 beating off in the toolshed. 425 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:49,305 Oh... 426 00:20:49,431 --> 00:20:52,241 Oh, no. 427 00:20:52,438 --> 00:20:54,407 Oh... 428 00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:58,125 Okay, now I'm starting to feel a little bad. 429 00:20:58,136 --> 00:21:01,361 But on the bright side, he-he was just a familiar. 430 00:21:01,372 --> 00:21:03,508 He was not just a familiar. 431 00:21:03,684 --> 00:21:05,586 He was my bodyguard. 432 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,823 He was the best man at my wedding. 433 00:21:08,513 --> 00:21:09,688 He was my friend. 434 00:21:09,699 --> 00:21:11,864 Okay, yes, yes. It is all very sad. 435 00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:13,452 But I think we should now get him in the ground 436 00:21:13,463 --> 00:21:14,931 before he starts to stink. 437 00:21:14,942 --> 00:21:18,679 Laszlo, can you come and help carry this, please? 438 00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:22,237 - That's not Gizmo. - What do you mean it's not Gizmo? 439 00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:23,637 What I mean is... 440 00:21:24,703 --> 00:21:25,937 it's not Gizmo. 441 00:21:25,948 --> 00:21:27,543 - What are you doing? - Stand aside. 442 00:21:27,576 --> 00:21:30,487 - Laszlo, what are you doing? - Laszlo, I do not think we need to eat him. 443 00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:31,770 Ooh, yeesh! 444 00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:33,649 Stop that! Stop that! 445 00:21:36,604 --> 00:21:38,521 Eesh. 446 00:21:38,554 --> 00:21:39,822 Does Gizmo have gills? 447 00:21:39,855 --> 00:21:41,390 - You mean lungs? - I mean gills. 448 00:21:41,423 --> 00:21:43,159 So he can breathe underwater. 449 00:21:43,192 --> 00:21:45,129 And does he have an amphibious egg sac? 450 00:21:45,140 --> 00:21:48,450 - Maybe? - He never said. Uh... I never asked. 451 00:21:48,461 --> 00:21:49,699 He wore a lot of layers. 452 00:21:49,732 --> 00:21:52,400 It was hard to see what was going on under all that. 453 00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:54,621 - Oh! - Oh! Why do his eyes look like that? 454 00:21:54,632 --> 00:21:56,203 It's not Gizmo. It's a byproduct of 455 00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,674 my scientific experimentation gone awry. 456 00:21:59,142 --> 00:22:01,288 So, where is the real Guillermo, then? 457 00:22:01,299 --> 00:22:03,727 Fucked if I know. Excuse me, my darling. 458 00:22:03,738 --> 00:22:06,047 - Hmm? - Ah, you know what? 459 00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:08,606 I will let him go. 460 00:22:08,913 --> 00:22:10,303 After all of that? 461 00:22:10,314 --> 00:22:13,109 I was going on and on about all of you 462 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:14,911 and how you've gone soft. 463 00:22:14,922 --> 00:22:16,724 Deep down... 464 00:22:18,101 --> 00:22:21,702 - it is I who have gone soft. - What? 465 00:22:21,713 --> 00:22:22,722 - No. - Ridiculous. 466 00:22:22,733 --> 00:22:24,899 Let us be candid here. 467 00:22:25,609 --> 00:22:28,912 I live in the suburbs of New Jersey. 468 00:22:29,345 --> 00:22:32,082 In a two-bedroom craftsman 469 00:22:32,093 --> 00:22:34,161 with a breakfast nook. 470 00:22:35,099 --> 00:22:38,258 - Oh, hello. - None of my neighbors live in fear of me. 471 00:22:38,349 --> 00:22:40,051 I have a dog. 472 00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:42,716 A hellhound, but I get it. 473 00:22:42,727 --> 00:22:44,094 Good boy. 474 00:22:47,536 --> 00:22:49,566 But what about the Sire? 475 00:22:49,599 --> 00:22:53,167 Two ancient legendary vampires. 476 00:22:53,178 --> 00:22:56,707 At this point, we are more like roommates 477 00:22:56,740 --> 00:22:59,710 than roommates who viciously murder humans 478 00:22:59,743 --> 00:23:01,110 together, you know? 479 00:23:01,121 --> 00:23:05,337 It can be lonely, this American dream. 480 00:23:06,661 --> 00:23:08,396 What the fuck is that? 481 00:23:08,407 --> 00:23:10,575 - Laszlo! - What is it now? 482 00:23:10,586 --> 00:23:12,156 Huh. Well, that one's clearly pregnant. 483 00:23:17,894 --> 00:23:21,565 It's hard to believe I'll never see Guillermo again. 484 00:23:21,598 --> 00:23:23,968 I hope he is okay out there. 485 00:23:26,730 --> 00:23:29,199 Pretty sure I told him to dust in here. 486 00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:32,154 Fly like the wind, my little friend. 487 00:23:36,802 --> 00:23:38,748 Guillermo! You're here. 488 00:23:38,759 --> 00:23:40,028 I just figured this would be 489 00:23:40,039 --> 00:23:41,374 the last place the Baron would look. 490 00:23:41,385 --> 00:23:43,402 - Is he still looking? - No, no. But hang on. 491 00:23:43,413 --> 00:23:45,850 We've had one mix-up already today. 492 00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:48,625 How do I know you are the real Guillermo? 493 00:23:49,143 --> 00:23:50,412 Master, it's me. 494 00:23:50,423 --> 00:23:53,493 - What is Guillermo's last name? - De La Cruz. 495 00:23:53,504 --> 00:23:55,608 But I doubt I'm the only one who would know that. 496 00:23:55,619 --> 00:23:58,202 You'd be surprised, but fine. It's a gimme. 497 00:23:58,904 --> 00:24:03,017 How does Guillermo do my hair on formal occasions? 498 00:24:03,028 --> 00:24:05,809 - Half up, half down. - Also known as...? 499 00:24:06,304 --> 00:24:07,713 Half down, half up? 500 00:24:07,724 --> 00:24:09,059 Ah, so close. 501 00:24:09,070 --> 00:24:11,373 I was looking for "Saratoga split." 502 00:24:11,815 --> 00:24:13,917 The Saratoga Split. 503 00:24:13,950 --> 00:24:15,819 - I should have known that one. - Last one. 504 00:24:16,401 --> 00:24:18,991 The first day that Guillermo became my familiar, 505 00:24:19,002 --> 00:24:20,703 he gave me a card. 506 00:24:21,338 --> 00:24:23,540 What did that card say? 507 00:24:23,579 --> 00:24:25,280 It said... 508 00:24:26,042 --> 00:24:29,624 "To be a vampire is my dream. 509 00:24:30,282 --> 00:24:32,084 But to be your familiar 510 00:24:32,108 --> 00:24:33,776 will be my honor. 511 00:24:35,156 --> 00:24:37,975 Thank you for this opportunity." 512 00:24:38,601 --> 00:24:39,736 Close enough. 513 00:24:39,747 --> 00:24:42,613 Okay, you're the real Guillermo. Excuse me. 514 00:24:42,775 --> 00:24:44,114 I can't believe you remember that. 515 00:24:44,147 --> 00:24:46,183 We have a long history, Guillermo. 516 00:24:46,303 --> 00:24:50,107 I imagine that I know you better than almost anyone. 517 00:24:52,195 --> 00:24:55,568 Enough to know when you have been keeping a little secret... 518 00:24:55,784 --> 00:24:58,220 from me? Hmm? 519 00:25:00,390 --> 00:25:02,959 Is there something you'd like to tell me? 520 00:25:04,668 --> 00:25:06,275 I... I d... 521 00:25:06,286 --> 00:25:09,757 You made a fart in my coffin, didn't you? 522 00:25:10,247 --> 00:25:12,027 I made a fart in your coffin. 523 00:25:12,038 --> 00:25:16,168 See? I know you better than anyone. Boop. 524 00:25:17,072 --> 00:25:19,952 So it seems that everything worked out? 525 00:25:19,963 --> 00:25:22,653 Kind of? To be honest, I can't really keep track of 526 00:25:22,686 --> 00:25:25,039 whatever the fuck is going on around here. 527 00:25:25,050 --> 00:25:27,024 But I did find a new home for 528 00:25:27,057 --> 00:25:30,029 these disgusting little Guillermo toads, so there's that. 529 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,984 As you can see, I came home from Staten Island 530 00:25:31,995 --> 00:25:34,631 with a bit more than just a charred-up body. 531 00:25:34,664 --> 00:25:36,533 Vampire says, "Freeze." 532 00:25:36,566 --> 00:25:38,736 This charming litter of mutants. 533 00:25:38,769 --> 00:25:39,903 Show your fangs. 534 00:25:41,004 --> 00:25:43,207 I did not say, "Vampire says!" 535 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,742 It's given the Sire and me 536 00:25:44,775 --> 00:25:46,610 so much that we can do together. 537 00:25:47,844 --> 00:25:49,446 And thanks to Guillermo, 538 00:25:49,492 --> 00:25:51,516 for the first time in a long time... 539 00:25:51,527 --> 00:25:53,532 Hello. 540 00:25:53,543 --> 00:25:56,523 ... I am terrifying again. 541 00:25:58,151 --> 00:26:00,553 I suppose with the right company, 542 00:26:00,564 --> 00:26:04,028 it can be beautiful, this eternal existence. 543 00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,964 Eh. Not all of them make it. 544 00:26:12,398 --> 00:26:15,280 I just wish you would talk to me, Laszlo. 545 00:26:15,298 --> 00:26:16,939 Yes, yes. Very good, thank you. 546 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,831 I mean, is it something I've done? 547 00:26:18,842 --> 00:26:22,517 Is this hex that I've been cursed with that hangs all around me 548 00:26:22,528 --> 00:26:26,196 made me, in your eyes, like an uggo or something? 549 00:26:26,207 --> 00:26:28,236 Oh, yes! That's it. 550 00:26:28,247 --> 00:26:30,454 - What's it? - Despite the frequent interruptions, 551 00:26:30,487 --> 00:26:32,589 I've been sat here trying to decide 552 00:26:32,622 --> 00:26:34,519 if I should organize my books 553 00:26:34,530 --> 00:26:37,728 alphabetically by author, or by title. 554 00:26:37,739 --> 00:26:39,875 But you've been sat here for three weeks. 555 00:26:39,886 --> 00:26:41,988 Time well-spent, I think. And I've decided... 556 00:26:42,305 --> 00:26:44,009 you'd be pleased to know... author. 557 00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:46,210 First thought, best thought. 558 00:26:46,221 --> 00:26:48,172 - Have I missed anything good? - No! 559 00:26:48,205 --> 00:26:50,267 This guy. 560 00:26:50,733 --> 00:26:55,733 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 40482

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