All language subtitles for LA to Vegas S01E10 Bernards Birthday 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-QOQ_track4_[eng]

Lady Luck
is on your side
fromLA to Vegas.

What, are you gonna put
a sock on the cockpit door?Don't cockpit-block me.

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and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

The kids are gonna love it.

Only on Fox.

All right,
let the heathens board.

Maybe you should check
that compartment first.

[sighs]

Happy birthday...

You know I can't eat
your supermarket trash.

I need to keep it tight
for my party tonight.

This is a milestone birthday
for me.

Right, because you're
turning thi... or... xty.

People much smarter than you
have tried to figure out

how old I am,
and they have all failed.

Relax. Your parties are
always incredible.

They get better and better
every year.

You think that's by accident?
It takes work.

You just don't throw together
an avant-garde

Bible-themed "Fashion
of the Christ" costume party.

Speaking of which,
what's the costume?

Well, I was thinking of being
a sexy Rachel from Laban,

Genesis 29:16.
It's a deep cut.

No deep cuts!
Stick to the hits.

Hey there, team.
Enough chitchat, Bernie,

let's get to work--
two choices.

I've got sexy Nebuchadnezzar,
or sexy Goliath.

I'm leaning towards Goliath
because it shows off my thighs,

and they're my
second-best feature.

Meaty but lean,
like a fine turkey chili.

-Goliath will be fine.
-Yes!

[gasps]

There was no trash
in there.

It was a clean bag.

PILOT [over P.A.]:
Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

♪

[slot machine chiming]

[electronic chime]

Marcia Gimble is arguing
that the commons

doesn't need
a car-charging station.

Honey, sit up straight.

-Good afternoon.
-Hi. I'm Nichole.

We've never met before.
I'm on my way to Las Vegas

for the very first time
because my mother

surprised me with backstage
passes to Celine Dion.

She's very well-connected
because she's the deputy mayor

of Calabasas, and frowns upon
almost everything.

It's nice to meet you.

You as well.

She was the normal one.

DAVE [over P.A.]:
Are you tired

of the same old
restaurant experience?

Then do what I do
and head down to Broth,

Vegas' finest new eatery,
where everything's soup,

including you,
because the dining room's

a Jacuzzi.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Is Bernard all right?

I just wished him
a happy birthday,

and he said,
"Why can't people just say

'Merry Christmas' anymore?"

Yeah, he's distracted today.

He's just a little wound up
about his party.

Bernard can get wound?

Ah, I've only ever seen him
be like...

You know what, that's probably
not an impression

I should be trying.

He just gets so worked up

trying to top himself
every year.

Honestly, he probably shouldn't
even be working today.

Oh, excuse me, I'm
a very nervous flier.

Congratulations.

So, you're coming
tonight, right?

No, no, I'm still
going through

this divorce nonsense.

Meghan is determined make
the whole thing

as ugly as possible.

I mean, I married
a magician's assistant,

and now she's making all
my possessions disappear.

Well, that's exactly why
you should come.

It'll take your mind
off of it.

We'll drink,
we'll take pictures.

I will help you pretend
you're happy.

The best revenge is
an act of social media.

Right now, I am just using it
to follow majestic boats

and this adorable Corgi.

Oh, my God, he died?

Piper.

So, party then?

Yes. It's what Piper
would have wanted.

He loved parties.

So, how are classes going
this semester?

They're good.
Actually, I have a friend

who got me interested in econ.

-[seat belt indicator chimes]
-so I'm thinking about...

Oh, sorry. [chuckles]
Hold that thought.

Gotta go use the little
deputy mayor's room.

So, let me guess.

Your mother surprised you
with the trip,

but she doesn't know
you're a stripper,

always take this flight.

What a big pickle
you have become.

-How did you know?
-Well, I have seven senses.

I can detect lies
and ghosts.

I want to tell my mom
the truth,

but she just wouldn't
understand.

She's an old-school feminist.

I wasn't allowed
to wear dresses growing up

because, quote,
"Mary Tyler Moore fought hard

for our right to wear pants,
and we have to honor that."

I understand your hesitance.

Now, if there's anything
I can do

to make your first visit
to Las Vegas

more enjoyable,
just let me know.

Hello, I'm her mother.

Oh, I thought you were
younger sister.

[forced laugh]

Cute. We're good. Thank you.

I tell you, Alan, I cannot wait
for Bernard's party.

This is the tush event
of the season.

Ooh, think you'll do
another late night

pawn shop
engagement-ring run?

No, I'm out of the
relationship game for good.

I already have
my one true love,

and that's the sky.

That's right, this bee ain't
looking for a queen.

Tonight, he's all about
the honey.

T... The party's tonight?

But it's my bowling
championship.

You promised that if I advanced,
you would come.

Well, you advanced...
and hopefully I will.

No, I'm not gonna report it.

I'm just saying
it was a gross joke.

I'm sorry, Alan.

Excuse me, I need to speak
to somebody about this flight.

Hi. Captain Dave.

Go ahead and mainline
that praise right to me.

Oh, the praise,for the lack
of storage space,

or the uncomfortable seats,

or the white-knuckle landing?

I mean, the autopilot could have
done a batter job.

Maybe, but let's see
the autopilot

take break dancing classes
at the "Y."

This is a terrible airline.

I'll have you know that
Jackpot is ranked number one

in completed customer surveys.

We're first-class
all the way.

Just ask Nichole.

How do you know Nichole?

-She's one of my regulars.
-One of your...

What is he talking about?

Um...

[sighs]
Okay, Mom,

I haven't been totally
honest with you.

The truth is,

Captain Dave
knows me because...

...he's my boyfriend.

If I look surprised,
it's because I didn't think

we were using labels yet.

-This man is your boyfriend?
-Yep.

It's only been
a few weeks.

We were nervous to tell you,
for obvious reasons

-because he's so, so old.
-It's still very early.

Very early.

It's just, I'm...
It's so unexpected.

I just don't--
I don't know what to say.

Well, why don't you think about
it while you get your bag?

I don't like to be squeezed.

Look, she doesn't know
I'm a stripper.

Jut pretend to be my boyfriend
for five minutes.

It'll be the fastest
relationship of your life.

No, it won't.

Hey, Mom, well, I'm glad
you two got to meet.

-We should probably get going.
-Oh, no, hold on a second.

I just met your boyfriend, I'd
like to get to know him better.

Would you like to join us
for dinner, Dave?

Oh, he can't, he has
a coworker's birthday party.

Oh, sounds fun.
We'll tag along.

It's a Bible thing--
we'd have to have a costume.

Nichole, I'm your mother.

If I want to get to know
your boyfriend better

and dress up like
Jesus of Nazareth,

that's what we're doing.

Your mother is terrifying.

Yeah. Well, you don't get
to the top of the middle

-of local politics without
busting a few balls. -Mm.

[loud dance music plays inside]

[indistinct chatter,
music playing]

Wow.

For my birthday, I usually
just get a hotel room

so I can read
in a different bed.

Hey, Bernard,
this party's incredible.

Halt!

Don't mock me.

If it were truly incredible,

you would be speechless.

This party is still
severely lacking. Just look.

The magician is turning
the water into merlot

instead of rosé.

We need one more big spectacle

to put this birthday
over the top.

And I'm going to find it.

Storm me off.

I said storm!

I'm not sure how I feel
about Birthday Bernard.

ARTEM:
Hey, look.

Ronnie came dressed like Mary.

Joseph and Mary, right?

You were meant to be.

I think that Ronnie-Colin ship
has sailed.

I have good news:
the Earth is round,

so a sailed ship is coming back.

She asked you to come.

That is good sign.

Okay, okay, I'll go say hi.

Although, I'm not gonna lie,
half the reason

is to end this conversation.

-Yeah, it has run its course.
-Have fun, friend.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, the Virgin Mary?

-It's me, Joseph.
-Hey, that's crazy.

Well, it was the simplest
of the costumes

on Bernard's preapproved list.

Oh, yeah,
that's why Bryan chose it, too.

-Hey, babe.
-Hey. You remember Bryan.

-Nope. -Really?
'Cause I feel like we've met

a bunch of times before;
the plane, the restaurant.

Well, I go
on a lot of planes, Ryan.

It's Bryan.

Ah. It's a beautiful name.

-[dance music playing]
-[cheering]

So I was looking
to hook up tonight.

How does our fake dating
affect my chances?

Negatively.

Damn it. You owe me for this.

Not sexually.

Just... get me a gift card.

Okay.

-Oh, hi, Mom.
-Hi, honey.

So, Patricia, or should
I call you Madam Deputy Mayor?

-[both chuckle]
-Patricia is fine.

I'm not just a politician.

I'm also co-owner of Calabasics,

Southern California's
number one retailer

of tasteful ponchos
for women who work.

I love that store.

Those ponchos are not
just for women who work,

-they're also for men
who want to be comfortable. -Mm.

So, Dave, tell me, what made you
decide to become a pilot?

Well, Patricia, it all started
when I first read

the story of Icarus,

who flew so close to the sun
with no repercussions.

Okay, Bernard,
what are you doing with that?

Damage control.

Not one person has yet said,

"Bernard,
you've outdone yourself."

Not my brunch club,
not my champagne club.

Not even anyone from my gossip
and cheese group,

The Crass Fromagerie.

What I need
is a big biblical set piece,

which is why I'm setting up
a burning bush s'mores station.

S'mores seems
a little off theme.

I'm sorry.
Who the hell invited her?

Ooh, the foot-washing station
is open.

Bryan, do you want to go get
your feet washed in public?

No, I'm good.

Okay, your loss.

[tongue clicks]

So...

So you're a chef.

Um, how did you get into that?

It started in the Marines.
I'd cook for my unit sometimes.

-You were a Marine?
-Yeah.

Like Rob Riggle?

Yeah. I joined after college.

Uh, I had a professor
who changed my life.

No way. A professor had
a profound effect on you?

-Yeah.
-Huh.

He sat me down one day,
and he said,

-"Whatever you do...
-Hmm.

"...do not be a professor.

Do something
that actually matters."

So, what do you do?

-I'm a professor.
-Professor.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What-- you-you leaving?

I was thinking about it,
Dave, yes.

Look, if there's anything
I've learned from being trapped

in a long-term
fictional relationship

over the past
two and a half hours,

is that you got to enjoy
your freedom while it lasts.

Dude, look around,
there are chicks everywhere,

and, like,
five other straight dudes.

[sighs]

I don't know if it's the helmet,

but you're kind of
making sense to me.

There are several Eves
looking for their Adam.

It's too bad Alan's not here.

He's a great wingman.

-I'm here! And I won.
-Uh...

He is here.

Let's go bag some strange.

Stand back.

I'm going to go enjoy myself.

Hello, Dave.

I thought we could have a word.

Without Nichole.

Ah. I knew this was coming.

Patricia, I know,
as a politician,

a pilot's endorsement
is very valuable...

I want to be really clear
about something.

My daughter is not
just some plaything, okay?

I know what you are.

You've been divorced,
what, three times?

You're lonely, you're not
man enough to admit it,

so you hide behind
these empty declarations

like "The sky is my mistress,"
and similar nonsense,

and you seek out relationships

with women 30 years younger
who can't hurt you

as much as you've been
hurt before.

So I see what you're doing,
and I don't like it.

♪

Hey, do you want to borrow this?

-It's a total chick magnet.
-Uh,

that actually won't
be necessary, Alan.

I'm a Brit in America.

All I have to do
is up the accent,

do a bit of Hugh Grant
phumphering...

[imitating Hugh Grant]:
and, uh, everything, um,

rather falls into place.

Um, u-uh, hello, old chap,
a pint of, uh,

whatever you're pouring.

And I'll have one of those, too.

Pardon me for saying so,
but it's as if I'm looking

at an angel, uh, in, uh,
is it, what, devil's clothing?

[laughs]
You sound like Love Actually.

-Ah.
-I'm Rose.

And that, Alan,
is how you... oh.

Oh, dear God. Oh.

Hey. Where'd Colin go?

He's over there,
talking to the Devil.

RONNIE:
Who is she?

I think she's actually
the magician's assistant.

He's flirting
with a magician's assistant?

Uh, seriously?

I finally figured out

how to take this party
to the next level.

[inhales sharply]
I'm going to walk on water.

Ronnie, I just need you
to come out to the pool,

squeeze me into my harness
and set up my wires and pulleys.

Yeah, okay, uh,
can you help him with that?

I don't think anyone can.

Thanks. I just, I ha--
I have to talk to Colin

before he does something
he'll regret. I...

Have you ever operated a lift
line in a theatrical production?

No, so I probably shouldn't.

Your hair is one strike.
Don't make it two.

And then I was like,
"Is it really credit card fraud

if it's your sister?"

-No. No. No.
-No.

Oh.

I'll be right back.

I've got to do one quick thing.

[exhales]

Hey.

-Mm? Hi.
-Hi. Uh, I just thought

I'd come over and stop you
from making a huge mistake.

Uh, what are you talking about?

Talking about that girl.

-Colin, she's exactly
like your ex-wife. -[sighs]

That whole look and that vibe

and that, like, that wide-eyed
head tilt thing that she does.

[laughs]:
I mean,

I mean, for God's sake,

she's even
a magician's assistant.

[guests gasp]

Okay. Did not know that.

But, so what? I have a type.

And all I'm doing is having
some fun and some drinks.

Okay. Yeah, well, the last time

you got drunk
with a woman like that,

it led to a nasty divorce

and you following dead dogs
on Instagram.

Oh, Piper.

I'd forgotten about that.
Thanks a lot, Ronnie.

Sorry, I'm just trying
to look out for you.

I don't need your help.

Honestly, I can make
my own decisions.

So why don't you go back
to the Joseph you rode in on?

Ugh! I can't believe
you messed that up.

Really? Because I was
nonstop screaming

"I don't know what I'm doing."

[sighs]

[phone camera clicks]

Your mom just came up to me
and broke me down

like a cardboard box
on trash day.

I'm so sorry.

She can be intense.

No, I'm hard into it.
She gets me.

I'd like to take her
to a steak dinner.

Is that all right with you?

Are you serious?

No. No, that's not all right.

Oh, come on. Please.

Your mom is strong,
smart and sexy.

And not just physically,
but emotionally.

And also physically.

She got the body
of a stripper's mom.

Why can't you just tell her
who you really are?

I wish we had
the kind of relationship

where I could tell her
the truth, but we just don't.

But I have to be honest,

I think I'm in love with her.

Oh, my God. You fall in love
with every woman you meet.

Not you. You're really annoying.

[laughing]

Can you believe Colin?
I mean, what is he doing?

Ronnie, I have my own crisis.

I don't have time to deal
with your jealousy.

[scoffs] I'm...
Oh, no, I'm not... jealous?

No, that's ridiculous.

I have my own boyfriend
who's here... somewhere.

Good, because I don't remember
Mary having two Josephs.

Although that is a Bible
I'd read.

Oh, my God, you're right.

What am I doing?
I should be focusing on Bryan,

-not worrying about...
-Shh.

Okay. Can you read my order
back to me?

No, not one. It's two llamas,
two giraffes.

Do you not know
how to fill an ark?

Put your supervisor
on the phone.

Oh, Go... I am gonna tell you
what you told me

when I tried singing Dreamgirls
in the shower:

you have to stop.

Ah, hey.

Oh, so you are
Ronald's boyfriend.

And let me guess, Artem?

No. Baby Jesus.

Just kidding.

Now I'm Artem.

Yeah, Ronnie told me
all about you guys.

You, Bernard.

Only one she hasn't
really talked about is Colin.

Is there history there?

Oh, yeah. I have much history
with Colin.

No, no, I meant Ronnie.

Well, I have more history
with Ronnie.

I'm sorry.
I meant Colin and Ronnie.

Yes. I know both of them.

-All right.
-Yeah.

-This feels like I got the full
Artem experience. -Yeah.

COLIN:
Hey, hey, Dave.

My, uh, my lady asked me
to take her home.

So, thanks for the pep talk.

That was the old Dave.

The new Dave sees
the emptiness of cheap sex

and meaningless flings.

-You know, Colin...
-Yeah, I'm sorry.

I was just really swinging by
for a high five,

but we'll discuss whatever
this is on Sunday.

I want to.

Hey, boo.
We just finished

our New Testa-Mint Chip
ice cream sundae,

so I'm gonna take Mom home.

PATRICIA:
Good-bye, Dave.

Nice to meet you.

Look, I...

I was out of line before.

I mean, as a single woman,
it's just hard to see

a handsome man my age
dating a woman

young enough to be his daughter.

Who, in this case,
is my daughter.

But it was wrong of me to take
my frustrations out on you,

and I'm sorry.

Wait. Don't be sorry.

You were right about everything.

I'm vapid. I'm scared.

I'm a shell of a man
inside an empty uniform

who came here tonight
for one reason only: tush.

But you made me realize
that's just a distraction.

I need a connection.

And it's you.

Would you like to have a steak
and share a wedge salad with me?

Dave!

You're in a relationship
with my daughter.

That's the good news. I've been
lying to you. Nichole, tell her.

Oh, hey. What are you doing?

Well, the magician asked me
to hold it for him

and now no one
will take it from me.

Oh. Gross.
Anyway, uh,

I'm sorry that I disappeared,

but now I am back
and for the rest of the night,

you have my full at...

Are they leaving together?

Uh, I'm sorry,
I-I have to go stop this.

Nichole Hayes,
I want the truth right now.

Okay, Mom.

The truth is
I'm not dating Dave.

He was just covering for me.

The real reason I know everyone
on that flight is...

...I'm dating Ronnie.

Who's Ronnie?

Hi.

Wait, you're dating?

[mouths]

-Devil, won't we?
-Uh-huh.

Yeah. Big time.

[laughing]:
We...

Yeah, I... we-we are.

So, just so glad that
it's out in the open now.

We-we were nervous about telling
you for obvious reasons.

-Because she's so, so old.
-Because we're gay.

DAVE:
Just to be clear,

I'm not gay.

♪

Oh, honey. I always felt like

you were keeping something
from me.

And I'm-I'm just so sorry
that I made you feel

like you couldn't tell me
that you were gay.

No, I'm sorry that I put a rift
between us by not telling you.

Well, you don't have
to keep that a secret.

I'm just so glad to be honest
with you, Mom.

I love you.

Oh.

Geez, I thought my relationship
with my mom was messed up.

-God, one time she asked me...
-Shh.

This is a beautiful moment
for me and my future new family.

Hey, Bernard.

What are you doing?

I don't even know.

I'm trying so hard
to wow everybody,

and I can't do it anymore.

But what choice do I have?

If these parties don't
get bigger every year,

that means I've already reached
peak Bernard.

It's all downhill from here.

Listen. I think
you're trying too hard

to please everybody,
including yourself.

Why not celebrate your birthday
with just the people

who make you feel good
about being Bernard?

And who would those losers be?

Thank you to my friends
and Nichole's mom

and to the chef and Alan's
improbably attractive companions

for being so boring

that I will seem fabulous in
comparison no matter what I do.

Aw.

And since it's just you people,

I can finally get
into my comfy clothes.

[laughter]

Hey. Um, I'm sorry
about tonight.

-I should've been spending time
with you... -It's okay.

You know, honestly,
I did for a minute

think there was something
going on with you and Colin.

-There's not. -I know, 'cause
I saw what you did with Nichole,

and I realized you're
just always looking out

for your friends.

Right.

So I know lying
about dating someone's daughter

isn't the best way
to start a relationship.

Well, Dave, anyone who's willing
to help my daughter

and forgo what I hear is
the "tush event of the season"

must be a decent man.

So, here's my number

if that dinner
is still on the table.

Well, no, we'd have to go
and order it first.

[laughs]

Is it...?

So I guess you and my mom
are going on that date, huh?

Yup. Just so you know, I don't
expect for you to call me Dad.

But I look forward to your
wedding day when you finally do.

Where is everyone?

Bernard kicked everyone out.

What are you doing back here?

I thought you left
with New Megan.

I did. But then
we got into the Lyft,

and I saw that her rating
was a 3.6

and I realized
she was a bloody monster.

You were right. I was about
to make a huge mistake.

Well, lucky for you, I'm good
at spotting huge mistakes.

Not avoiding them,
but spotting them.

Yeah.

Everyone! Dinner is served.

Admit it, best birthday ever.

I suppose. I still wish I had
come up with that one last

biblical finale,
but this will have to do.

Alan, who sets a table
like this?

I mean, there aren't
even enough chairs.

[overlapping chatter]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

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[beeps]911. What's your emergency?

MAN [on phone]: I'm on Flight 46, and we're going down.

Just tell my wife I'm so sorry that I cannot come home to you.

Hello?

This is your family.
We got you, okay?

Rapid response now!

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It's time we showed Gotham
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