All language subtitles for LA to Vegas S01E03 Two and a Half Pilots 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-QOQ_track4_[eng]

Lady Luck
is on your side
from LA to Vegas.

What, are you gonna put
a sock on the cockpit door?
Don't cockpit-block me.

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And check out
our other Fox programs,

The Mick, The Last Man on Earth,

and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

The kids are gonna love it.

Only on Fox.

*

So, how was your date
last night?

Ugh. Another guy
turned out to be gay.

Are you still using
my Tinder account?

I told you it's not like Hulu.
We can't share a subscription.

Looks like Captain Dave
is late again.

-Always does this.
-Then he waltzes in and says,

"Sorry,
I'm on Captain Dave time."

That's not a time zone;
it's a tragedy.

-(Dave sighs)
-Oh, finally.

Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time.

-Well, see you later.
-H-Hold on.

Why are you holding a bag

like someone who's never
held a bag before?

DAVE:
(sighs) All right.

Truth is I've finally found
my Achilles' heel.

It's my Achilles' wrist.

-Ouch.
-Wait, it gets worse.

-That's my high-fiving hand.
-What happened?

I was walking down the street
and I saw some poor schlub

trapped under a giant armoire.

I knew my only two choices were

to heroically lift
the thing off him

or to cut his arm off
with my pocketknife.

So I summoned up
all of my strength,

but alas, my will was
stronger than my wrist.

Anyway, the important thing
is I'm all patched up now

-and ready to go.
-You can't fly.

No, but until I can,
I'll have to settle for

piloting a plane.
Let's do it.

-Dave. -Oh, this is exactly why
I was hiding it.

I knew you two were
gonna be dicks about this.

Sorry, got to call it in.

Come on, Bernie,
you can't ground this eagle.

It needs to soar.
You know I can do this.

All right. Let's give it a try.

You know he's just calling in
a replacement, right?

Yeah, I know.
Can you at least sign my cast?

I have a date tonight and want
her to know I have friends.

PILOT (over P.A.):
Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

*

(slot machine chiming)

(electronic chime)

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Attention all passengers,

we are now boarding...

Whoa, a bag!

What's in them?

Uh, just some toys.

Toys. That's fun. Can I look?

Um, I just... oh.

There is many games.
You know what game I like?

The one about the hippos
that are so very hungry.

-You know this game?
-Perhaps, not touch these.

They're presents
for my son's birthday.

Birthday? Fun.

You know,
at my club Grapefruits,

birthday boys get
half off lap dances.

Dads pay full price
to watch, though.

He's three.

He is three
or he's turning three?

I think I'm gonna go
through security again.

Just... for fun.

On my third birthday,
I dig hole for swimming pool.

On my fourth birthday,
I find out it's mass grave.

You know what?
You should tell him.

-Bad news sounds better
coming from you. -Okay.

So, Judases, did you find
my replacement?

Ronnie?

Yes, we did, but you are
not going to like it.

What? Who is it?

("Rock You Like a Hurricane"
by Scorpions playing)

* Here I am *

* Rock you like a hurricane *

* Here I am. *

Captain Steve.

Captain Dave.

Looks like I'll be taking over
the reins this weekend.

Tough break on that wrist.

I'd say, "No pun intended,"

but I knew what I was doing.

And this must be
my new flight crew.

Good-looking pair.
You got names?

-I'm Bernard.
-I'm Ronnie. Hi.

Is it suddenly very hot in here?

(whispers):
It is.

Oh, hey, Dave,
didn't see you there.

You just said hello to me.

Heard about the divorce.

How many is that for you? Four?

Excuse me, try three.

It seems no woman
could ever understand

I'm married to the sky.

-I'm married to a model.
-A catalog model.

Internet catalog model.

The whole future,
it's all online.

-So true.
-Blogs.

What are you even doing here?
You don't fly domestic.

(laughs):
No.

The international skies
are my playground.

Then I got this call, and
I figured it'd be a great way

to get back to my roots,
my American roots.

God, I love this country.

Well, I'll be back
in action any day,

so don't get too comfortable.

I'll try, but you know me,

I'm comfortable anywhere.

I exclusively use
public restrooms.

Yeah. I'm always looking
for the next big thing.

I mean, landing on water,
it's been done.

Sully did it.

So I was thinking, what's the
next thing we should land on?

I say... the sky.

I have no idea what that means,

-but I like how close
I feel to you. -(door opens)

-Hey, fellas.
-Captain Dave.

How are things going
in my cockpit?

Great. Captain Steve
let me wear his jacket.

Look how floppy my arms are.

Shouldn't you be at home
resting up that wrist?

Not that I'd know--
I've never broken anything.

-Except a few hearts.
-(laughs) I can believe it.

I thought I should fly with you
this weekend, you know,

in case you had
any questions or you died.

I'll just third-wheel it
in the jump seat.

Oh. Yeah. Sorry, the jump seat's
occupied by my copilot.

A 200-pound kettlebell?

Great. That's embarrassing.

Now everybody knows
how much I lift!

(exhales) Anyway,
you can fly with us,

-but you're gonna have to ride
in the cabin. -The cabin?

You want me to sit
in that flying refugee camp?

They made these tickets
way too cheap.

-Right there.
-COLIN: I'm so sorry,

those seats are taken.

Maybe just find two other seats?

Yeah, okay. Ah, sorry.

-Your pants are on fire.
-Sorry?

Oh, my God,
you just lied to them.

Well, yeah, clearly.
They're both very shady.

And also,
I'm kind of preoccupied

with finalizing
my son's birthday party.

He's turning three.

Oh. That's a cute age...

is something people say, right?

I don't know anything
about kids.

It's his first birthday since
his mother and I separated,

and I think
I've rather outdone myself.

Check out the play gym
I've booked.

Now, there's a puppy playpen, a
cake pit, and all the princesses

are actual descendants
of exiled royalty.

Wow, that sounds a lot better
than my third birthday party.

God, what a disaster.

You remember
your third birthday?

Only 'cause my mom taped it.

Then the tape was later used
in the trial.

It was also the first time
I smoked Marlboro Red.

My family was a little trashy.

I grew up near Bakersfield.

Our town mayor
was a Harley-Davidson.

Sleep when you're on the ground.

You're in the air,
for God's sake.

Show some respect.

Are you seriously gonna fly
back and forth all weekend

just to keep an eye on him?

-You have a better idea?
-Yes. Don't.

-You don't know.
-(sighs)

-(air hissing)
-What's with this thing?

If it's off, it's too hot.
If it's on, it dries my eyes.

You people live like animals!

DAVE: Thanks for all your help
with Captain Steve.

-What the hell happened to you?
-I couldn't help it.

I'm very single, and that
silver fox has a strong back

and could probably carry me
across a river.

Be a modern woman and carry
yourself across a river, Ronnie.

I don't understand.
What is your problem with him?

He thinks he's
so much better than me

just because he finished first
in our flight class,

and beat me out
for the international route,

and won Jackpot's Sexiest Pilot
award six years in a row,

despite me killing it
in the talent category.

(imitates train chugging)

(imitates train whistle)

Oh, Dave. Nobody wanted to see
your Magic Mike routine.

Yeah, that was all Mike
and no magic.

This was the one place
where I didn't feel

like I was in
Captain Steve's shadow.

Well, I'm not letting him
take that from me, too.

I can fly this plane,
and I'll prove it.

How many push-ups
you want to see me do?

-600.
-None.

(Dave shouts)

One!

(panting):
Okay.

I can't do a push-up,
but my wrist is fine.

It can do everything
it used to do.

I can do the Dirty Dancing lift.

Bernard, run to me!

No.

Dave, go home. Get some rest.

Nobody puts Bernard in a corner.

STEVE:
Welcome to Las Vegas.

(passengers cheering)

-Hi. Thank you.
-Hi.

Oh, that landing touched me.

Did we land? I didn't feel
the wheels touch the ground.

I know. Usually, I have to
take pills to feel this way.

And don't forget
who gave you those pills.

So, what'd you think
of the L.A. to Vegas flight?

Pretty boring, right?

You should probably get back
to your old route now.

Actually, it was
kind of a nice break

from the spotlight
of the international route.

I've already conquered that.

It's probably time
to conquer something new.

Like when Nicole Kidman does TV.

Yeah.

I could see myself
doing this full-time.

Captain Steve is
moving into my route.

We got to do something
to stop him.

-What do you expect us to do?
-I don't know. Something!

The alternative
is he replaces me.

We can't let that happen.
We're a team.

Think about all our history.

Your first week on the job,

when you forgot to lock
the exit door,

who blamed the ground crew
and got that guy fired?

Yeah, but I felt
so guilty afterwards,

I had to date him
for six months.

So I got you laid, too.
And, Bernie,

we've been together for years.
We're like brothers.

You came out to me.

Uh, no.
You just flat-out asked.

Your exact words were,
"Gay, right?"

The point is
that we look out for each other.

That's why you got to help me.
You got to help me.

What do you think?

Well, right now,
all I can think about

is how good
Captain Steve smells.

Does anyone know what that is?

It's a pamplemousse
facial scrub.

Not available in the States.

Don't get me wrong,
I want to help Dave, I do.

But would it really be
the worst thing in the world

if Steve was our new boss?

It's probably less work for us.
We wouldn't have to babysit.

I mean, he's actually got
a life off the plane.

Yeah, he doesn't want
to waste time with us.

He's got a catalog model
to go home to.

He just clocks in, clocks out.

Imagine working for a pilot
who says "thank you"

every once in a while,
and doesn't make us check

his hair for grays
before each flight.

What are you complaining about?
You only have to check his head.

(phone ringing)

Colin?

COLIN: Oh, thank God
you answered. Ronnie,

it's all coming apart.
The universe

is getting back at me
for my hubris.

I had a petard,
and I've been hoisted by it.

Colin, you're using
high-scoring Scrabble words.

I don't know what you're saying.

I'm talking about the play gym
I booked for my son's party.

It's been shut down.

An anti-vaxxer held a party,
I don't know,

something about
a long-dormant supervirus.

It's a disaster.

-Okay, just calm down.
-I can't calm down.

I'm holding a party tomorrow
for 24 children.

I've got nowhere to throw it.
I need help.

I know it's weird
I'm calling you.

You're the only person
I know in Las Vegas.

Well, not the only person.

(tires screech)

Hey!

Ronnie says you need help
throwing party

to buy your son's love.

-Ronnie called you?
-Yeah.

And Artem is big helper.
Hop in. I have candy.

Oh, no. You want me
to get in this? With you?

Yeah, don't worry,
it's not even my van.

Let's just say, for a minute,
we actually considered

lodging a fake complaint
against Captain Steve.

What could we possibly say
that would make a difference?

We'll just say
he grabbed my ass.

Um, if he's grabbing
anybody's ass, it's mine.

Please.
Have you seen your ass?

Because I haven't.

-He's not even gay.
-I transcend sexuality.

Do you know
how many pilots I've turned?

-Shut up. Like who?
-You'd be surprised.

The drink carts aren't the
only things that go both ways.

Um, sorry to interrupt,

but don't you think
you guys should be working?

It's the Saturday afternoon
flight from Vegas to L.A.

-There's nothing to do.
-Yeah.

See, it's that attitude
that makes you both

such remarkable failures.

I demand excellence every moment
you're on this plane.

Right, but, Steve,
there's literally...

Uh, sorry. "Steve"?
Try "Captain," or "sir."

I don't know how you got away
with this garbage before, but...

it ends now.

Can you believe that?

Who the hell
does he think he is?

I'm gonna march
right into that cockpit

and make him grab my ass.

(lively dance music playing)

COLIN:
Wow.

This place is really impressive.

Yeah, business is good,
eh, Farley?

Yeah, man, things have blown up
for us, ever since

that Stranger Things kid nailed
a paparazzo with his scooter.

Follow me.

So you need something
for tomorrow morning, 20 heads.

What's the chick-to-stick raish?

-I'm so sorry, the...?
-Girl to guy. Girl to guy ratio.

We like to keep it three to one.

Oh, I-I think it's about even.

Oof, you're lucky
Artem's a friend.

So, tomorrow is going to be lit!

Egypt Keys-Beatz is hosting.

Bottle service only. Let's say,
uh, ten of the magnums?

Also, you're gonna want
the table out by the ball pit.

-That's where it all goes down.
-Okay.

Uh, what is that? VIP?

Peanut allergy.
So, with the bottles, the table,

and of course the party
favors... (clicks tongue)

Why is he winking?
We really do need party favors.

Your total comes out to $8,000.

-What?
-That is good price.

No, no, no, no. There's no way
I can afford that.

Look, I want this to be special
for my son, but I'm on a budget.

What can I get for $400?

I paid $400 to get back
to exactly where I started.

Welcome to Las Vegas!

Oh, we have to do something
about Captain Steve.

But first, which one of us
is more sexually harass-able?

Before you answer,
consider my bedroom eyes.

Relax. Don't pop a contact.

Steve is going
to make our lives hell

if he takes over this route.
We have to stop him.

We're thinking smear campaign.

Same thing we did
with Klepto-Kathy,

although we may have
jumped the gun on that one.

Well, just because
we found my bracelet

doesn't mean she didn't
want to steal it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down here.

We can't just go around
besmirching Steve's reputation.

What? This was your idea.
Where is this coming from?

And when did you learn
"besmirch"?

All I'm saying, we should
consider our options

before crucifying him.

Corporate said
Dave could have Steve's route

-if Steve took Dave's route.
-Damn it, Alan.

-What?
-All right.

I called corporate to ask,
hypothetically,

if Captain Steve took
L.A. to Vegas,

could I take international,
and they were on board.

So when it was your job on
the line, you needed our help,

but now that it's ours,

-you don't care.
-Don't you understand?

This international route
would be huge for me.

I need this.
Just look at me.

Look at my wrist.

We're supposed to be cool
with you screwing us,

-just because you couldn't help
some guy under an armoire? -No.

You should be cool with it
because I was the guy

under the armoire.

I was the one I couldn't help.

-What?
-You own an armoire?

I bought it.
And I was moving it back

to my place
when it tipped over on me.

I was trapped
underneath of it for hours.

Hours. When I picked it up
from that Craigslist perv,

he even said to me,
"Don't you have someone

to help you move this?"
But I didn't.

Because the truth is
I have no one in my life

to help me move a gorgeous piece
of antique furniture.

So am I being
a little selfish?

Yes.

But when you're a guy
stuck moving armoires alone...

you get to be selfish.

(sighs)

What's a armoire?

What are we doing here?

We still haven't found
a place for the party.

We'll find place.

For now, we focus
on entertainment.

COLIN: You think this is
the place for the entertainment?

-Yeah.
-I... O-Okay.

* I like your body, girl *

* Seen you up in
this party, girl *

* The way you move
is hypnotic... *

-Hi!
-Mm!

It's so fun
when my friends come by.

My family almost never comes
to visit me at work.

I'm sorry,
did you say "almost never"?

And don't worry,
you came to the right place.

We have so many talented ladies

who want to help
with this party.

Girls?

-MAN: Next to the stage...
-This is Staci.

She makes awesome
balloon animals out of condoms.

COLIN:
Yeah. Oh. Ah.

-(Artem laughs)
-(quietly): That's disgusting.

This is Juli.

She has an amazing
singing voice.

She actually came here
to be in one of the shows,

but, well, life is hard,
so she's here now.

Okay.

And this is Micki.
She's, like, an animal trainer.

Her dog can do
the craziest tricks. Watch.

Shake.

-What's up?
-Pleasure.

We will take the balloon animals
and the singer.

Thank you, Mr. Dog, I think
we're gonna go another way.

You see? One problem solved.

Now we just have to find
birthday house.

-Wait, you still don't have a
place for the party? -COLIN: No.

So the possibility
of ruining my son's childhood

-is still very much in play.
-Yeah.

DOG:
Hey, man, don't sweat it.

My dad ruined
all my birthdays growing up,

and I turned out just fine.

Oh, dear God.

If you guys are
still looking for a venue,

I might know a place.

(lively dance music playing)

(kids chattering excitedly)

I still can't believe
how well this all came together.

And they were okay with shutting
down the strip club for this?

Oh, yeah, no,
Sundays are slow anyway.

You know, actually,
it's really nice

to have customers on our laps
for a change.

My giraffe is slippery.

-Oh. (chuckles)
-Oh, oh, uh, uh...

Thank you both so much
for all of this.

I suppose I'm not used to people

going out of their way
like this for me.

Well, of course.
We're friends.

Yeah. After all our flights
together, we like to think, uh,

that you're one of us now.

That's really nice.
I think.

Daddy, we're going
to the sparkly cider room!

Oh.

STEVE:
Hello, passengers.

This is Captain Steve.

As we're approaching Vegas,
a little reminder.

If it's magic
you're looking for,

head over to Caesars
for Pascal the Magnificent.

I've seen him myself,
and let me tell you,

the only thing
that man can't make disappear

is the smile on your face.

Boned his wife.

I'm gonna get a cup of joe.
You want anything?

-I'll have one, too.
-Get it yourself.

Oh. Captain Dave.
Something I can help you with?

Yeah, I wanted to ask you
to take it easier

-on Ronnie and Bernard.
-Ronnie and Bernard?

You mean those flat-ass soda
machines with bad attitudes?

I don't know why
you're even defending them.

They're just a couple of losers
who should be grateful

to have a job at all--
in fact, frankly,

if it was up to me,
they wouldn't.

-You know what?
-What?

Those are my friends
you're talking about.

And I don't care
what it costs me,

you will never take over
this flight.

What? You...
Take over this flight?

Why the hell would...?

(chuckles):
Oh. This is pathetic.

Did you think that I wanted
to trade routes with you?

Well, it crossed my...
No. I mean, a little.

I was never serious about taking
over this godforsaken flight.

I mean, come on, Dave, look
at me-- I fly international.

Okay, stop calling it
international, Steve.

And let's call it what it is.

-It's Canada. -Well, it counts.
They have their own money.

That doesn't even fit
in wallets.

It fits in wallets.
You just have to fold the bill!

-What's your problem, man?!
-My problem right now

is I'm talking
to an overrated hack

whose stickwork is pedestrian.

-What did you say?
-I said,

I've seen groundos
with better air feel than you.

You take that back,
you son of a bitch.

Why don't you make me?

-Ow! Aah!
-(passengers gasping)

What is your face made of?!

You punched him!

Oh, my God.
This is amazing.

(Dave groans)

How is this amazing?
He hit me in the face.

That's good, too,
but, I mean, he's screwed now.

It's nothing;
it's just a little scrape

-between a couple of pilots.
-But he's not a pilot.

You made him sit in the cabin.
You just assaulted a passenger.

Boom, bitch.

RONNIE:
(gasps) Ooh.

-That was... that was weird
when you did that. -No.

-It was weird.
-Ronald!

Look. Colin gave us
socialist gift bags.

Wow. Looks like you had
a fun weekend.

COLIN:
Oh, you mean the T-shirt?

Yeah, well, they're party favors
from my son's birthday.

He said it was the best party
he'd ever had.

He's also insisted
I buy him the Kidz Bop version

of "Turn Down for What."

I'll see you all in hell!

Seems like you had a pretty
interesting weekend yourself.

Nah. Pretty much the yuje.

Hey. Um...
I wanted to thank you

for sticking up
for us back there,

even if it meant losing out
on the international job.

Eh, it was nothing.
We're a team, right?

Damn right we are.

Which reminds me,
I have something for you.

It's my phone number.

Just in case
you ever need someone

-to help you move an armoire.
-Thanks.

I actually took your number
off the crew list a while ago.

-Creepy. -As a symbolic gesture,
though, this is very nice.

And the good news is,
since Captain Steve has

a broken hand, looks like I'll
be the one flying back to L.A.

No, no, not so fast, cowboy.
You still have a broken wrist.

Bernard called in
another replacement.

Well, whoever it is, they can't
be any worse than Captain Steve.

("Rock You Like a Hurricane"
by Scorpions playing)

* Here I am... *

-Captain Carl.
-Hi.

How are you?

(Ronnie shudders)

-Oh, damn it.
-* Here I am. *

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

You've hit the jackpot
with LA to Vegas.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

It's time we fly
this old bird.

* It feels good *

MULDER: I want to believe.
I would just like to see.

I can help you.

* It feels good *

-You want to do
the honors, Alan?
-Yeah!

No, you never
touch this.

* You know it feels good *

-(shrieks)
-* It feels good *

* Oh, you know it feels good *

Let's do it.

Everything you thought
you knew about medicine
is wrong.

Unbelievable.

* It feels good *