All language subtitles for IVI2017

(slow paced music)

(faint crackling)

(upbeat music)
(loud tapping)

♪ Living on Easy Street
I've really got it made ♪

♪ No worries anymore
made in the shade ♪

♪ I burn my money now
and haven't got a care ♪

♪ No worries anymore ♪

♪ It doesn't even seem fair ♪

♪ On Easy Street you
really ought to try it ♪

♪ On Easy Street you
really gonna like it ♪

♪ Trust me ♪

♪ Way too much money ♪

♪ Way too much time ♪

♪ On Easy Street
everything is just fine ♪

♪ Oh play it now ♪

(loud groaning)

♪ Indubitably ♪

(upbeat music)

(loud upbeat humming)

(loud grunting)

- [Man Sitting] I give up.

I don't believe any of it.

(speaks foreign language),
but it's so true.

Unbelievable, but true.

I dare you to make sense of it.

Listen to this.

January 27th 1985.

The 80th birthday party
of Charles Bouitton.

Remember him?

(loud laughter)

He made a lot of noise.

Alive in the spotlight.

He hit the headlines more
than he cares to remember.

Now those headlines hit back

with a vengeance.

That's Jean.

The butler.

You know, (loud laughter),

you always need a butler.

(faint knocking)

- [Narrator] Come in.

- [Narrator] There he
is, Charles Bouitton.

One of the most
powerful men of his day.

A billionaire.

A rich billionaire.

And of course, Linda.

His third wife.

I'm sure you recognize her.

Isn't she gorgeous.

- It's time.

- Are they all here?

- [Jean] Yes sir.

All of them.

- [Narrator] Yes indeed,
they were all there.

His family I mean.

That's Josh, his nephew.

And Magdalen, his future ex.

- Another one?

Control yourself.

- Go fuck yourself.

(light jazzy music)

- I'll be down in a moment.

Go ahead Linda.

- [Narrator] Charles'
goddaughter Melissa

and Larry her husband.

- Ah, Dom Pérignon.

- Prosecco.

- There he goes
again, ignoring me.

- What?

- [Narrator] Nobody likes them.

- Alright, but
don't be too long.

I don't want to get
stuck with your rats.

- [Narrator] His children
Luke and Kristen.

Ah my goodness.

- Clitoris.

They've finally figured it out.

- Shut up.

What?

- It's a hoax.

Yup.

- Might as well be.

- [Narrator] A stud
producing two asses.

Go figure.

- They're your rats
as well my darling.

- Only by marriage with you.

- [Narrator]
Paulette, his sister.

Be careful there.

And Maurice, her tamed husband.

Tax deduction,
whatever you prefer.

- Are you finished?

- Yes, I just wanted
to make a point.

- Maurice, you're the
only man I know who could

make a point but
not scoring one.

(light laughter)

(loud laughter)

- Oh Paulette you're priceless.

- Yes, that's what I
keep saying to myself.

- [Narrator] And finally
Charles' cousin Clara Bouitton.

Legend has it she once
confronted a cobra,

the cobra had an
identity crisis.

- Maurice!

I get it!

Some people can't
hold their alcohol,

but you have to drink it first!

- Anything else sir?

- Not now.

- [Narrator] What do
you think is going on?

(loud laughter)

I'm not playing with
ya, I'm just asking.

- Paulette, how lovely.

Another one of your
priceless furry beavers.

- Yes, hands off
Magdalen darling.

You wouldn't want to wake it.

- Maybe I do.

My beer only chants to
resuscitate this party.

- [Narrator] How bizarre
to see the privileged

fall trap of their
own privileges.

And how delicious.

- Maybe they shouldn't of let
him out of the institution.

- It's an asylum Clara.

And I own it.

I come and go as I please.

- Oh not if it was up to me.

- [Narrator] Look at him.

What is he thinking?

Not that it matters at all,

things are going to
happen no matter what.

(light perky music)

- Frankie, darling, please,
keep the drinks coming.

Anything to forget what
I'm about to remember.

- Rien ne va plus!

(loud static)

(loud thuds)

(loud scream)
(perky music)

- [Narrator] Well
there you have it.

He took a pipe dive
down the staircase.

Someone pushed him actually.

Who did?

His wife?

His children?

Or one of his other rats?

Everyone thought
this was the end.

When in fact, it was
only the beginning.

(loud beeps)

- Notorious billionaire
and jet setter

Charles Bouitton's
health condition

remains unknown after an
apparently accidental fall

during his 80th birthday party
just two weeks ago today.

- The Bouitton
family is once again

on the front page
of every newspaper

just a year after the kidnapping

and release of
Charles' daughter.

And a few months after
the theft of his wife's

famous 11 million dollar
27 carat red ruby necklace.

- Jesus!

- No, just me.

- We're on every channel again.

- They are on every
channel again.

- I told her, stop trying
to figure them out.

They're a peculiar breed.

The 1% of the 1%.

- So?

- So mind your goddamn business.

- [Jean] Exactly.

- Such family history
brings numerous questions

to the circumstances
of the fall.

Sources close to the
family are reported

to suspect foul play.

Was the fall an accident?

(light jazz music)

(loud ringing)

(loud gibberish)

- I can't understand
you Charles.

(speaking loud gibberish)

- What is he saying?

- Riderelast.

- [Linda] What does that mean?

- Absolutely nothing.

- Jean, he's trying
to tell us something.

Charles, what is it?

I think we should
call the doctor back.

- Perhaps an exorcist?

(loud grunting)

- What Charles?

(sings gibberish)

- All of a sudden
I feel Italian.

And with all of it's
imponderable connotations.

- What is this?

A miracle or a prank?

And let me tell
you very quickly,

I do not believe in miracles.

- Who are you?

- Miss Pruitt.

And you know it.

- Yes I do.

And I'm trying to forget it.

- If this is another
one of your jokes,

I'm out of here, do you hear me?

- But darling, as
beautiful as you are,

anger is not one of your colors.

- Oh I'm beyond anger.

I'm totally confused.

- You know, as you
well know I'm not going

to die until I'm good and ready.

Now, I'm good, hmm?

But hardly ready.

One thing became
perfectly clear to me

as I floated

between consciousness

and unconsciousness.

- What is that?

- The future.

- You can go.

- Wait, nobody goes!

Nobody!

I'm not gonna say another word

until I get at least a witness

of my choice.

- Oh stop being so silly.

- Silly?

Moi?

Silly?

I look at you Linda,

my wife, my beautiful wife,

who I realize at
the same time could

have been the one who
shoved me down the stairs.

- I refuse to play a character

in your third grade novelette.

If you think your family
is trying to kill you,

deal with it!

Leave me out of it!

- Okay fine.

Look at me then.

Look straight at me.

And tell me whether you have
my best interests at heart.

- What would you say?

- It doesn't matter
what I would say.

Who hired Nurse Rachett here?

- I did.

She's the best in the business.

- Need I say more?

You're one of them.

One of them.

And we all know

they all want me to die.

- Very well, then.

I will not sit here
and watch this nonsense

in front of...

- Wait, where are you going?

What?

Darling, darling, listen!

- Maybe it's time my lawyer
started talking to your lawyers.

- Well you're too poor to
make that threat darling.

Linda!

- Yes!

- Take this thing with you.

- I resent--

- I resent you!

Now take your pelican
legs and get out of here!

Everybody leave!
- Insufferable,

- [Nurse] tyrannical wanker!

- Jean, Jean, Jean, Jean, Jean!

Not so fast Jean.

Foot massage.

(slow perky music)

(loud thud)

- Such a strange family.

I can't help wondering
who's going to

go flying down this
staircase next.

Ciao.

(light perky music)

- You really had us
all fooled with the

Italian dying trick.

But, well sir,

I think I can be
more useful to you

if you let me in on the joke.

- What joke?

I'm not joking about anything.

I'm trying to
confront the crisis.

A crisis, you know what I mean?

- Yes sir.

But is this crisis
really different

from all the other crises?

- Shut up!

- Yes sir.

- I'm on the verge of saying
something very profound.

What the fuck was I thinking of?

- Sir?

- Linda was right.

I'm the victim of a cheap
family murder mystery plot.

My own family.

- Oh.

I see an idea being born.

(light laughter)

- Absolutely right.

(faint groaning)

(perky music)

- Frankie!

(loud gasp)

- Oh it's just you, be quiet.

- You are going to
get us both fired.

- Look, don't I
have a right to know

what's going on in this house?

- The answer to
your question is no!

- So you're telling
me that you're not at

all curious to find out
what's going in there?

(loud laughter)

- Has it come to this?

Spying?

- Ask Octopussy over here.

I've got better things to do.

- Frankie.

Frankie.

Frankie, stop.

This has to end.

You've been watching
too many telenovelas.

You wouldn't want me to...

- I might want ya to.

- Get back to work.

- Watch your steps butler.

- Oh I'm sorry madame.

- I'm not.

Is he dying or is he
taking us for a ride?

- Well he's dying and
he's taking us for a ride.

- That's what I thought.

I'm leaving in the morning.

- I imagined.

- What does he want?

- He wants them all here.

- Boom.

(perky music)

- Oh, I see.

(loud clanking)

Are there no rules
left in this house?

- I thought that
breaking the rules

was the new rule in this house.

Well with Magdalen leaving.

- And Mr. Bouitton
resuscitating.

- And where is the
monster of the house?

- In the study.

- Time to redrug.

What are you all gawking at?!

This is called working.

- She scares the
bejesus out of me.

- And as I always say,
better out than in.

- Ha!

(light jazz music)

- He's not much
good in the crowd,

but when you get him alone

you'd be surprised.

(faint coughing)

Smoking, drinking!

- How else can I survive
the sight of you?

- Hopefully you won't.

- Stop it.

Stop it.

Please, stop it!

- Stop what stop what?

- Your existence.

- Your pills.

- You take them.

- Shall I wrestle
you to the ground?

- Sharon Stone once told me that

in a dream.

- Where else.

(loud gargling)

- Now vanish.

- Still an obnoxious burk.

- Jean!

- [Jean] Sir.

- Is everyone involved?

- Yes sir, everyone is coming.

- I have an idea.

For which I may
become famous for

or infamous for.

I haven't decided
which I prefer.

You follow?

- No sir.

- You pray?

- I can sir.

- Well go pray.

(loud groan)

(loud ringing)

- Ugh, why is it that pleasure

is never without interruption?

(loud ringing)

Yes.

- Linda.

- Ah it's you.

- How are you my pet?

My reason for living.

My perforated ulcer.

- What do you want Charles?

- You sound naked.

(light laughter)

- Look, I'm not
going to fall into

this pathological routine.

I'm not coming back.

- Oh, listen for a moment.

- What are you going to say?

That you're sorry?

- Not for a minute.

Now I want you to listen.

I'm going to say something
that will shock you.

Are you there?

- Yes yes, you were saying
you want to shock me,

well I don't think
that's possible but try.

- I'm going to do something
that's never been done for you.

I want to trust you.

- I wouldn't do
that if I were you,

I'm out to get you.

- I know, I know!

But I've always believed
in diabolical alliances.

Everyone will be
here in two days.

I want you by my side.

- I'm sorry, I'm not available.

- Well, what if I
were to offer you

double your 72 million?

(perky music)

- [Narrator] Well
now it was official.

The plan kicked in the
following Friday night.

And what do you do when you
don't want any witnesses?

You get rid of the servants.

- You're getting in a
little deep with him.

(lightly clears throat)

Oh fine, don't say
I didn't warn ya.

- You better tell me
all about it later.

(slow paced music)

(light jazz music)

(loud doorbell)

- Let the games begin.

- [Narrator] She seemed
disturbingly familiar.

- [Josh] Ah, you're still here!

- Sir.

- I made a bet with myself.

- Well then you're
sure to win sir.

- My bet is that you're
not a real butler,

but rather an actor
playing a butler.

And I must say rather
unconvincingly.

- Vivid imagination sir.

You should be a writer.

- What kind of writer?

Fact or fiction?

- Maurice.

Three husbands, two world wars,

and the titanic
haven't killed me.

But this dirge might
be the end of me.

Do you have anything
else in your repertoire?

- So sorry everyone.

Chopin, I sometimes get lost.

- Good idea.

- What?

- Get lost.

- So darling, then it's true,

Linda is gone.

- Finally.

- That's not really
for me to say madame.

- Ah then it is true.

(loud laughter)

Linda.

Terrible woman.
(loud thuds)

(loud shout)

- Asses, wigs, and bald spots!

What a wonderful view!

- Thank you, my pleasure.

Look at him, he looks
so much better everyone.

- Hey everyone!

- How's your poor leg?

After the fall, I didn't know
what would become of you.

- I wonder, was it you

who pushed me down the stairs?

- I wouldn't count on a
confession if I were you.

- Charles, always joking.

- Daddy you had us worried.

- You look well father.

- No well I'm better
now, I'm better now.

You didn't push me down
the stairs did you?

- What a terrible thing to say!

- Well don't forget
we're birds of a feather.

If my intention was to kill you,

I'm pretty sure we wouldn't
be having this conversation.

(loud laughter)

- I'm so proud of him.

- What a bizarre thing to say.

- Speaking of bizarre things,

why are we all here together
at he same time again?

- Funny you should ask.

Time is of the essence.

No more beating about the bush.

I don't have to
tell you Aunt Clara.

- No you don't, but
you should don't you?

- Well somehow I felt
I had to tell ya.

Yes yes, anyway.

As soon as they're ready
in the dining room,

we'll all go in there

and take care of business.

- Everything is ready.

- Right on time Jean.

Come on, come on, come on!

Follow me!

Alright you folks!

I'll see you upstairs!

- No don't touch me Maurice.

(light jazz music)

- Well we can really
sit down and go over

the numbers if you'd like.

Brunch?

(light tapping)

- You might have
noticed we are all here.

But then, we are not all here.

- I'm glad daddy,
I'm proud of you.

- To get rid of a leech

that requires cold
blood and big balls.

- And we all know how
cold your balls are.

- Well you know, that
is a family trait.

- You can tell us
dad, Linda must have

been the one who pushed you.

- Is it true Charles?

Can we finally talk about
Linda in the past tense?

- Well as long as I'm
the topic of conversation

you can use any tense
you like Paulette.

- Oh, a first act curtain.

- Like in a play.

- A flop by the smell of it.

- Oh how refreshing.

For the first time since
I joined this family,

something I thought
I'd never hear.

The truth.

And just so we're
all on the same page,

the feeling is mutual.

- You got to admit
she has style.

You have style Linda.

- Let's keep this thing going.

- What things?

What's going on?

- Yes Uncle Charles,
what is on your mind?

- The future is on my mind.

Actually, your future.

In light of this years,
how shall I put it?

Unusual events.

- Unusual events?

- Yes, a kidnapping, a
theft, attempted murder.

Pretty unusual events
wouldn't you say?

- Well it depends.

- I'm not going to
ask you what you mean.

- Why?

- Because you'll tell me.

- Quiet!

- Oh Jesus Christ!

- I still have the floor.

Now, we have to
discuss my legacy.

Or if you prefer,
your inheritance.

If any.

Decisions have to be made.

Now that I'm confronting death

right up to it's face.

- Good evening.

- Oh Charles, are you dying?

- We all are.

It's just a question of time.

And you are all I
have to work with.

My sweet sister Paulette

and her husband Maurice.

How long have you
two been married?

- Oh let's see--

- I really don't want to know.

Maurice, hell will hold
no surprises for you.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You know I've often wondered
how this will all turn out.

Who would kill whom.

I guess we'll never know.

Unless you do something
extremely unusual

this evening.

At the same time don't
want to push you.

Josh!

That's my boy.

You're the spitting image
of my departed brother.

I don't say that's
necessarily a good thing.

- Oh well, it's going to be one

of those evenings isn't it?

- It might be one of
those nights yeah.

You know, the best
thing you ever did

was marrying Magdalen.

- Well Charles,

so sweet of you to say.

- Well my darling.

You two really
deserve each other.

(loud laughter)

My god daughter Melissa

and her husband Larry.

My trusted CPA.

I'm not going to tell you
how I really feel about you.

Because I feel very
kindly tonight.

(loud laughter)

- Charles.

Oh if I didn't
know you any better

I'd be really offended.

Isn't he hilarious?!

- Who are you?

- Aunt Clara, the
unsinkable battle ship.

Not that we haven't been trying.

- Be careful.

You're about to say
something honest by mistake.

- Never!

Never, never,
never, never, never.

Yes, speaking of mistakes.

Luke and Kristen,
my pride and joy.

And my punishment.

- Well it's not my
fault if I'm not

what you hoped for father!

- Yes, that was a
cruel thing to say!

- Sit down!

- Okay.
- Yes sir.

- Well they are
well domesticated.

- And finally, my wife Linda.

My third wife.

My biggest disappointment.

- Oh darling,

you're making me blush.

- You, all of legal minds,

I imagine, are aware
of the expression

"Fruit of the poisonous tree."

Benefits that come out of
something really rotten.

Well I myself benefited of
those fruits multiple times.

And now I finally
discovered that I,

I have been the
Poisonous Tree myself.

- What the fuck are
you talking about?!

- I have been torturing
myself thinking.

- Oh dear.

- Who am I leaving
my fortune to?

And more importantly, why?

- Good luck.

- Yes, stinking curse.

But all my options are here.

So I have now decided

not to make a decision.

- Charles, the
suspense is killing me.

Who is going to make
this decision if not you?

- You.

(slow paced music)

So let's make a toast.

But let's not waste

this wonderful Chateau Lafite.

- [Everyone] To you.

- [Narrator] To Charles.

- To your destiny.

Which for some
inexplicable reason

is connected to mine.

To destiny!

- [Everyone] To destiny!

- Now there's one more thing.

(loud gargling)

- Dad.

Dad, dad.

Dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad, dad!

- [Narrator] Mr. Bouitton!

- Charles, oh my god.

Charles.

- Mr. Bouitton, Mr. Bouitton.

- Somebody go and call an
ambulance for god's sake!

Charles!

- No line.

- No pulse.

(loud gasp)

- Well do something.

- What would you like
me to do, he's gone.

- Gone?!

What do you mean gone?

- Dead.

Gone as in dead and gone.

You idiot.

- Linda, did you hear?!

Dead, he's dead!

- Yes, I know.

Could you just let me
enjoy the moment a second.

(indistinct chatter)

- He's your husband
for god's sake!

- You're giving me a headache.

- Charles, come on darling,

what are you trying to prove?

Is it another one of
your crazy pranks?!

- Maurice, would you mind?

You are the doctor in
the room after all.

- Yes, yes, yes, go go!

- Get up!

- Certainly.

(ominous music)

(loud sneeze)

(loud screaming)

- Sorry everyone!

I must be allergic to death.

- Enough of this nonsense.

Excuse me.

Someone revive Maurice.

Alright Uncle Charles,

this isn't funny anymore.

- Is he?.

- Are you finished
playing with the corpse?

- I don't believe
he's actually dead.

- Fine.

See for yourself.

(solemn music)

- Oh.

(loud screaming)

- Agatha, please.

He wasn't a looker
when he was alive

so could you spare
us the spectacle?

(loud gasps)

- Linda!

Do you have any idea
what's going on here?

Your husband is dead!

- I realize my dear.

You however don't.

Charles is dead
because I killed him.

(loud gasps)
- [Narrator] What?!

- I knew it!

- Oh shut up everybody.

I'm not going to say I
killed him for your benefit,

but in a way you will benefit.

- You are not going
to get away with this!

- That's murder!

- Oh come now.

You know very well
that if hadn't been me,

one of you would have tried
again sooner or later.

By the way, who was
it that pushed him?

Well I don't give a damn.

Although I would like to
have my necklace back.

- My mother's necklace!

- Oh calm down and listen.

- Calm down?!

How can we calm down?!

You just killed--

- 2.7 billion dollars.

50% of which is mine of course

and all of you pathetic leeches

can share the rest of
it amongst yourselves.

- You did all of
this for the money?

- The funny thing is,

I knew I was in a
precarious position,

like all of you idiots.

But I could never
have come up with

such an ingenious idea.

Do you know who's the
brains behind all of this?

Charles.

- Oh don't be ridiculous!

Are you gonna tell me it
was Charles' idea to die?!

- No, no, Charles' idea
was to poison one of you.

I was merely to
be an accomplice.

He called me two days
ago, he had a master plan.

We had a very long
conversation over the phone.

Isn't that right Jean?

(perky music)

After his accidental fall,

he entered into a
philosophical phase.

He started to say
"What the fuck."

He was very disappointed
in all of you.

Well, all of us.

But I came late into his life

and the mutual
torture had it's fun.

So he offered me
72 million dollars

to stay by his
side, so to speak.

- 72 million dollars?

- Yes, I know, it
sounds good doesn't it?

But not as good as
1.35 billion with a B.

- What was his idea?

- What time is it?

- 8:50.

- Well, time is of the essence.

For you that is
because one of you

is going to die tonight.

(loud laughter)

- That does it, we're
getting the hell out of here.

- Well you better
hurry because you

only have 54 minutes to live.

- 53.

- That indescribable taste

in the Chateau
Lafitte was a poison.

- Poison?!

- Is that how you
killed my father?!

- Oh you're such a detective.

Yes, it took exactly 58 minutes.

- 57.

- So, the effective
is without refute.

So is the anecdote.

- Anecdote?

- Yes, I have the
anecdote for eight of you.

And you're going
to have to decide

who is going to be the
poor sacrificial lamb.

That's the only way we
can enjoy these billions

with a certain panache.

(loud thud)

- I'm sorry if I
sound repetitious!

But what the fuck are
you talking about?!

- Charles' original idea
was to poison one of you

and set up the rest
of you for a life

of penniless wonder.

Or in jail.

I saw a greater opportunity.

I decided to give you
the benefit of the doubt

and I poisoned him instead.

In fact, that is why we
are all here right now.

Looking into the future
with a renewed sense

of purpose and a
shit load of money.

- A shit load of money
is of little consolation

with 53 minutes left to live.

- 52.

- Oh shut up.

What are you, the
profit of doom?

- She certainly looks like it.

- This is ridiculous!

What kind of poison can kill
you in exactly one hour?!

- Dendroaspis Polylepis.

More commonly known
as Black Mamba.

The South African
tribes use its poison

their deadly arrows.

- I thought you were British.

- Johannesburg, two generations.

I too, was skeptical about
the preciseness of the timing,

but then there he is.

Some of you may be experiencing

some of the symptoms already.

A metallic taste in your mouth.

Excessive salivation.

Perspiration.

Heat waves.

- God, you've completely
lost your mind Linda!

End this mad game and give
us the anecdote this instant!

- I'm calling the police.

- Oh well you'll have
to scream pretty loud

because as you just
noticed, no telephone lines.

- Well your master plan
has one fatal flaw.

What stops us from
cutting your throat?

(faint clicking)
(loud screaming)

- Shh, I'm way ahead
of you darling.

Even if you were walking
and not stumbling.

Agatha, my coat, my purse.

- On it dear.

Ciao ciao darling.
(loud gasps)

- Oh look at her.

(quirky music)

Wait Linda!

(indistinct yelling)

- What do you want Linda?!

What do you want?!

- She wants our silence!

She wants us to cover for
her when the police arrive.

- Well of course I
want your silence.

But I don't trust you as
far as I can throw you.

If my future's going
to be in your hands

I want your hands to
be as dirty as mine.

Now, considering the time,

I'll leave you in the
hands of my trusted Jean.

He knows what to do
and when to do it.

What to say and when to say it.

As for me, I will leave.

Or, should I say,

I was never here.

Let us go Agatha.

Our guests have a
murder to discuss.

(loud tapping)

- [Narrator] This
actually happened,

but who's going to believe it?

She left them there at gunpoint,

poisoned, with a corpse
in the dining room.

And less than an hour to kill

or be killed.

- I refuse to be a foil

to a mad woman's sense of fun!

- I refuse too!

But then what?

After the refusal I mean?

- I think I'm going to faint.

(loud groaning)

(loud thud)

- Already.

- Too soon, he just fainted.

Again.

- We have all been poisoned.

- I think we should all vomit.

- How?!

- Stick two fingers
down your throat

and think of poverty.

- I've got you
figured out didn't I?

Butler my ass.

How much is she paying you?

- Obviously enough.

(quirky music)

(loud honks)

Alright, they're gone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if you would please

follow me into the

living room.

I will finally explain.

- Do we have a choice?

(loud laughter)

- [Narrator] Hurry up!

We'll be dead by the
time we get there.

- My hero.

- Hello?

- [Narrator] With minutes
to go playing Linda's

mad game was the only way
out of this absurdity.

(quirky music)

- Don't hurry, I'm okay.

- That's what you think.

- Come to think of it,

I think I might faint again.

- [Narrator] Jean was the
designated ring master.

And as you know, in
every circus act,

the ring master tends to make

a rather self-indulgent
entrance.

(piano solo)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your
attention please?

The idea is to create a scenario

that the police will swallow.

You have less than 50
minutes to choose a victim.

Who of you deserves,
or is willing to die

for the common good?

The chosen one will be killed

by his or by her own hand.

A suicide.
- Oh god!

- [Jean] Who killed Charles?

Well there he,

or she is inspector.

Dead.

She or he killed Charles
in front of all of us

before taking his
or her own life.

It was horrible.

I see your intelligent minds
are not getting my point.

Let me spell it out for you.

Once you have chosen a winner,

you will kill him
or her with a single

shot to the head.

To make it look like a suicide.

You will then take the gun
and point it at Mr. Bouitton

and kill him, again.

- Wait, why would we have
to kill Charles again?

- To make it look like the
killer shot Mr. Bouitton

and took his or her own life.

This way you will
all be witnesses

and testify to a
murder and a suicide

and you would all have alibi's.

There will be no
investigations, no autopsy's,

you would all be free and clear.

All of you except the one
condemned to die of course.

- Yikes.

- If everything was
executed correctly,

the 1.35 billion would be yours.

Which comes out to--

- 168 million dollars each.

- If there is an anecdote,
you will give it to me now!

- You're going about
it the wrong way sir.

(faint laughter)

If something happens to me,

something will happen to you.

I'm glad you finally see
this is not a joke sir.

- Okay, the anecdote must
be in the house right?

- 21,000 square
feet, 45 minutes.

I'm just saying.

- We should escape
and go for help!

- The nearest hospital
is a half four away,

without traffic.

You do the math.

- There seems to be a
better more practical

solution to this nonsense.

Let's kill someone.

(ominous music)

- If you have no
further questions,

I shall step aside and
give you some time.

No pun intended.

(ominous music)

(loud tapping)

- [Narrator] It didn't
take long for the

rats to turn to the
obvious solution.

Rats you know,

and obvious.

- Don't even think about it.

- I know it sounds horrifying

but come on Aunt Clara,
it's an easy decision.

You've lived your
life, and then some.

- Fuck you very much Larry.

- Do you want me to volunteer?

You think I deserve
to die instead?

- Oh no dear, I
just think we could

find a more

deserving victim.

- Like who?

(indistinct chatter)

- Maybe, you know,
someone like--

- Oh please, enough blabber.

Let's just put an end to this

and kill the old bag.

- Not so fast Eve Harrington!

As much as I would love to help,

you can never kill me.

I am well protected.

- How?

- Well you all know very well

what my will establishes.

If I die of any
unnatural causes--

- Oh come on, at your age there

are no unnatural causes left!

- All my money,
instead of going to you

goes out the window

into Save the
Pachyderm Foundation.

A very noble cause.

- What?

- Oh I just love those
long noses and fat asses.

They remind me of your
late Uncle Gregory.

- Oh my god, who cares?!

We're getting 168 million
dollars each from Charles!

Right, aren't we?!

So let's just kill her!

- Do you have any
idea how much money

I'm worth Larry?

Look, look at these
greedy little faces.

(light jazz music)

You think these hyenas would

rather kill me

and lose millions?

Or kill you and make millions?

- Devil.

- Still want to
kill the old bag?

- Very well, can
not be Aunt Clara

too rich to kill.

- Clearly.

- But, who then?

- Well then, I say
let's solve your problem

the democratic way.

Shall we?

- Voting?

- [Jean] Why not?

- Why not?!

- Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

- Fine, let's get
this over with.

- Come on, let's
get this over with.

- [Narrator] Get up.

(perky music)

- Very well, let's begin.

Larry.

- Great, it's
because I'm black?!

- You are?

I'm sure we haven't noticed.

- Maurice.

- What?

Who could believe someone
would want me dead?

(ominous music)

- Luke.

Luke.

Luke.

(loud gasps)

Luke.

(fast paced music)

(ominous music)

- Move.

Why me?

- Democracy, the
people have spoken.

- You appear to be the front
runner in this election sir.

- I think this systems rigged.

- Oh enough, let
Luke be the victim.

I mean we're all here in
this horrible nightmare

because Charles got
pushed down the stairs.

And I suspect, no,

I'm almost certain that it
was Luke who pushed him.

Let him take the bullet.

- That's rich.

Me, kill my own father.

- Birds of a
feather, your words.

- Oh you wanted
Charles dead and fast.

You wanted to get cash quick.

He knows this house
better than anyone else!

He planned the
blackout and roll.

- [Luke] Right, keep trying.

(slow paced music)

- So, did you find
the money to cover

your little oops on
the stock market?

(loud gasp)

- I told you she knew!

- No I didn't, but you
just told me darling.

Bad insider tips.

Luke's entire fortune
is gone everyone.

- That's irrelevant.

- Is it?

- As Aunt Clara suggested,

if we're to become
cold blooded murderers

we might as well profit from it.

- Enough of this nonsense.

- Nonsense?

Oh, account number three, five,

four, seven, six,

one, nine, nine, nine,

First Royal Bank Cayman Islands.

- You son of a bitch you!

(loud screams)

- Oh what now?!

- I thought I saw a rat.

- Where?!

- In the mirror.

(slow paced music)

(faint knocking)

- Password.

- Open the door you imbecile.

Is everything going
according to plan?

- Like clockwork.

You sure you know
what you're doing?

- You handle your job
and let me do mine.

Where is he?

- Still at the table.

- You'll get my signal.

- [Narrator] What
do you think of her?

If things weren't
complicated enough,

guess who decided to come back.

Just to save the day perhaps.

Or to ruin it.
(loud clank)

- Quiet.

- How did I let you convince me?

- We'll be in and out,

just as soon as we find out
what's happening in here.

- Nothing is happening in here.

(loud thud)
(loud scream)

- [Narrator] It's a true
story, what can I tell ya>

Blame reality.

- Alright, one way to do this.

- We're all gonna die!

Die, die, die, die!

- Oh my god, please
pick up the basket case!

How much time do we have?

Jean!

Where is Jean?!

- Yes, right here, 35 minutes.

- Alright, out with it.

Who's death do we profit from?

Which account?

Spill it!

- Josh's.

He's been stealing from
all of us for years.

- How would you know?

- From Magdalen of course.

- What?!

- Well, you've been busy.

- It's a lie.

- How could you?

- You should of stayed
out of my affairs.

- You mean out of your wife?

- You invoticible
piece of garbage!

(loud shatter)
(loud screaming)

- Josh!

Oh my god Josh!

Josh, are you okay?!

(loud tapping)
(loud screaming)

- Where's the gun!

(loud screaming)

(loud laughter)

- Baby, you wouldn't.

- Oh please.

Surprise surprise.

As if you haven't
screwed half of

my girlfriends
and their sisters.

- Does anyone mind
holding the gun

is between rehabs?

- Rehab?

- Yes dear.

You've been in Betty Ford
more than Gerald Ford.

- I don't have a
drinking problem.

Besides!

Luke here isn't as
stupid as he looks.

We could all profit a great deal

from killing my husband.

(loud laughter)

Millions and millions

stolen from the company.

- You've taken as many trips
to the Cayman's as I have.

- So you get my point.

He dies, I close the accounts.

We split it 50 50.

- Your ignorance is
almost endearing.

- I see her point.

Ignorant yes, but
I see her point.

- Well I'm glad that you do.

Now someone!

(loud screams)

- Come on!

- Come take this gun
from me and kill Josh.

I've never been that
good at target practice.

- What a disgusting spectacle.

- Little princess
has something to say.

- I definitely do.

You have caused this
family enough humiliation.

You are what the French
would call a parvenue.

- You are what the
Americans call a little pig.

- End your misery and shoot
yourself you cheap tramp!

- Eat me, your royal dryness.

- Democrat!

- Ball sack.

- Alcoholic!

- Kidnapper!

(loud gasp)

(loud laughter)

- Magdalen.

Magdalen.

Magdalen.

I think that the fumes
are confusing you.

You see Kristen's
not the kidnapper

she's the kidnapped.

- Was she?

- You told her?

- I did not.

- What in the world
is happening here?

- Right.

Kidnapped, kidnapper.

- Potato potato.

Wake up you idiots!

Kristen was never kidnapped.

Hansel and Gretel here faked it

to milk Charles out of a
12 million dollar ransom.

- I wouldn't judge if
I were you Aunt Clara.

Or perhaps we should
discuss your Hitler romance?

- There's very
little to discuss.

It was one lousy
night in Vienna.

He was a painter back then.

And a lousy lover if you ask me.

- You slept with Hitler?!

(quirky music)

- I feel like one of those
idiots in horror movies

that hear a dangerous
sound and walk towards it!

- Come on.

(perky music)

- [Clara] Now this
conversation is clearly

above your pay grade
if you get what I mean.

- [Paulette] Shut up Maurice.

(loud scream)

- [Maurice] Hey, hey, I've
seen this movie before!

The butler did it!

- Dear Lord, she's got a gun!

- Is that--

- The drunk wife of the nephew.

- Someone's coming.

(indistinct shouting)

That was close.

(ominous music)

Shh.

- Frankie.

- What is it?

(perky music)

- Oh no, no, no, no.

We've got to get out of here.

Got to get out of here.

Got to get out of here.

Got to get out of here.

Got to get out of here.

- Will you stop it for god sake?

(ominous music)

- We're out of here.

(light jazz music)

(loud shatter)

(loud scream)

Shh.

They killed him.

They killed Mr. Bouitton.

What now?!

- We run to the
police of course!

(loud tapping)

- [Narrator] 27
minutes left to go.

Look at them.

The rats have lost
their (loud roar).

(loud beep)

- I'm happy Charles never lived

to find out about
your despicable plan.

- Oh but he suspected
something alright.

- You're getting on
my last nerve butler,

what do you mean?

- [Charles] So you see my point,

something funny is going on.

- [Linda] Funny?

Woody Allen funny
or Mel Brooks funny?

- [Charles] Alfred
Hitchcock funny.

Josh might actually be smarter

than I give him credit for.

But he's not acting alone.

- [Linda] Oh, finally,

you've decided to look
into your children's

books of secrets.

- [Charles] Yes Lady Macbeth.

I found a lot of familiar merde,

but no evidence to prove it.

- [Linda] Charles, with
all due disrespect,

I don't care.

Unless in all that familiar
merde you found my necklace.

- [Charles] Oh darling, I
found lots of necklaces.

But not yours.

- What is this?

- A recording.

One of the last
phone conversations

between the masters
of the house.

I thought you would
find it useful.

- Oh.

Sure.

Now everything is
perfectly clear to me.

- What?

- That I have no idea what
the hell is going on here.

- May I continue?

- But it's not all.

One of the accountants actually
has too much money in it.

Explain me that if you can.

That's me!

- Yes sir.

All your phones
have been tapped.

For months now.

- At least I'm not in that.

I can't rely on you for the
simplest of jobs Maurice.

You made a complete mess.

You got the dates all
mixed up you dumbbell!

God, we got the
delivery a week sooner.

I'll have to put the
gorillas in your bedroom

or else I don't know what to
do with all these puppies!

- Puppies?

- That's not me.

- [Maurice] I'm sorry Paulette.

- So that's where you acquired

your priceless furry beaver.

- Wait a second.

It all makes sense.

The account with too
much money in it!

You were washing.

Washing, washing,
washing, washing lady.

You're the washing lady.

Do you do windows?!

- Fine, what's the
point in denying it?!

- Shut up!

- Why?

We are North America's
number one importers

of embalmed protected species.

- Apparently.

- Importers?

You mean smugglers.

- Is the public
humiliation over?

(Clara speaks foreign language)

- Japanese.

- Chinese.

Sir Charles the fox,

was onto all of us apparently.

And so was Linda.

- What now?

- The necklace, I stole it.

- Aunt Clara, are
you confessing?

- Proudly.

The necklace once
belonged to my mother.

And it should of never been
near Linda's inflatable breasts.

I had it stolen
and I sold the ruby

through Chinese channels.

- Hold on Clara.

- A plan as smooth as
Sean Connery's sweet ass.

- You slept with Sean Connery?

- Mmm hmm, it was one
night in Edinburg.

He was a waiter back then.

And a very gifted
lover is you ask me.

- So my father
suspected all of us.

Me, Luke, Josh, and
this sponge here.

- So it's official.

We're all ambitious,
we're inventive,

and we're all crocks.

- Right, we're traditionalists.

- Yes, so what.

So sue me.

- Or shoot you.

- Never!

(loud static)

(loud shatter)

- [Narrator] Stop,
get off of me!

(indistinct shouting)

- Well this isn't
going very well.

- Larry.

- I don't know
how that happened.

(loud screams)

- Oh Maurice you stupid ostrich,

always putting your beak
where it doesn't belong!

- Oh his beak belongs
there alright.

- Please Clara, zip it, or else.

- Wait a minute.

Somebody's missing.

- Melissa!

Melissa where are you?!

Darling, show yourself!

(indistinct speaking)

Melissa darling!

Melissa!

Melissa!

- She may be here.

- Everyone quiet!

- [Larry] You are looking good.

- Listen.

(loud sobbing)

- She's in the...

Move that away from me.

- Melissa, darling.

It's me, Larry your husband.

- Go away!

(loud sobbing)

- Melissa, please come
out here right now!

- No, they're gonna kill me!

- You?

Why you?

- [Melissa] Because
nobody likes me!

They're not even gonna miss me!

I don't mean anything to anyone.

I'm the perfect victim.

- She has a point.

- Once they figure
out we're just

as dirty as the rest of them,

they won't have a problem
blowing your head off or mine!

- Oh Melissa darling,
please shut the fuck up.

- What is she talking about?

- [Melissa] Well
Larry's been fudging

the numbers a little bit.

- Here we go.

- He's been helping Josh

cover the money trail
to the Cayman's.

Who better than the
head of accounting!

- Why would Larry risk
everything for Josh?!

- Because he's in love with him!

(loud gasps)

- What?

- What?

- What?

- Oh, come on Larry, admit it.

You're as gay as the
sunset in Palm Springs.

- Melissa shut up!

I'm not gay.

- You're not jolly,
but you are gay dear.

Gay gay gay.

- Okay, that's it I've had it!

You see that?

(loud gunshot)

You do not deserve
me, you got that?

I'm too good for you!

(fast paced music)

I can't even believe you
would betray me like that.

- I got it!
(loud screams)

- Is it too much to
ask for less punching,

kicking, and choking please!

- Oh shut up Nancy!

I am so tired of this sick game!

- Right?!

- Quiet!

That's one thing I
demand to know Maurice.

Why all this interest
in Kristen huh?

Did she seduce you?!

- Please, me seduce
Nosferatu here?!

- Bizarre.

A daughter seduce
her own father.

Oh come on Paulette.

I thought you'd be
a little brighter.

Look at them.

Same shifty eyes.

Same snotty nose.

Same dumb mug.

Maurice is Kristen's father.

- No.

- Yes, it's true.

- [Narrator] Are you confused?

I bet you are.

Thank god Jean,

had been taking notes.

- So, just to recap.

Josh and Magdalen
have been stealing

and hiding company
money in the Cayman's.

Magdalen slept with
insider trader Luke

who turns out to be
Kristen's kidnapper

with the help of
Kristen herself.

Larry, finally
out of the closet,

was bribed by Josh to
disguise the money trail

covered by Melissa.

Maurice turns out to be
Kristen's real father

and with Paulette is
the number one importer

of protected embalmed species.

And the necklace stolen
and the ruby sold

to the Chinese by Aunt Clara.

Who by the way
slept with Hitler.

- And Sean Connery.

If you don't mind my dear.

Let's keep the record balanced.

- What do you think
you are doing?

- Merely helping the
process everyone.

I mean you have
less than 20 minutes

before you (loud gasp).

Before you die.

- True, and I'm the one
in charge right now.

(loud thuds)

Who's that?

- Nobody.

- Is there someone
else in the house?!

- Not that I know of.

- Is anyone else thinking
what I'm thinking?

- That would be dreadful.

- If one of the
maid's is listening,

she could call the cops.

We would all end up in jail.

- There's nobody else here.

It must have been the
wind or something.

(loud shatter)
(loud static)

(loud screaming)

- [Narrator] Oh god.

- [Narrator] Not again.

- [Larry] Fuck me!

- [Clara] I told
you, gay, gay, gay.

(slow paced music)

- Where was it coming from?

(loud screams)

Oh my goodness what was that?

- Silence please.

In the kitchen.

Keep moving.

- Maurice don't touch me.

- [Kristen] You
stepped on my feet.

- [Narrator] Sorry.

(loud screams)

- Who touched me?!

- Who hasn't?

(loud laughter)

(loud thud)

It's alright, Magdalen be quiet,

just keep walking.

(faint screams)

Did you feel that?

- We have a gun!

Come out slowly and
we won't hurt you!

Last warning.

(loud pop)

(loud screams)

- See, like I said,

the wind or something.

(loud pop)

(loud moaning)

- Maurice?

- Who else.

- Come on, let's
get out of here.

- Get out of my way,
get out of my way.

Out.

- Amateurs.

(loud tapping)

- [Narrator] No time left,

Jean took charge, again.

As it happens more
often than not

in these kind of stories,

something explosive is
about to take place.

Boom, remember?

- Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your
attention one last time?

- I'm here, I'm fine.

- Alright, you only
have 10 minutes

until you all die.

It's time for plan B.

- Shall I say it again?

- No, let me.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

- If by this point
you had failed

to find a victim,

I was instructed to let
someone else decide.

- [Larry] Who?

- In Mr. Bouitton's own words...

- Destiny.

- Exactly.

The gun please.

- No way.

- Josh.

- [Magdalen] Josh come on.

- Russian roulette.

- You got it sir.

- I'm not doing this.

- Gather around please.

- Well, who starts?

- We spin for it, of course.

Shall I?

(ominous music)

- Well go on Maurice.

- You have to.

- My last words shall be--

- Oh don't be so
overdramatic Maurice!

- Fuck you Paulette!

In a way I'm glad
to die so I can come

back and haunt you!

You cruel, and conniving,
contemptuous,--

- Cunt.

- Yes!

That's the C word
I was looking for.

- Well listen to him,
he's growing a pair.

- Too late.

- I'm ready to die now.

(suspenseful music)

(faint clicking)

I'm alive, I'm alive!

- [Jean] Maurice it's
your turn to spin.

(faint hissing)

(quirky music)

- Watch and learn.

Next.

(suspenseful music)

- [Josh] Enough!

- But but destiny!

- I make my own destiny.

Jean, how much time
do we have left?

- Any minute now.

- Alright, alright.

Let's head back to
the dining room.

Put a bullet into Charles' head

and put an end to this
charade once and for all.

I am not going to die tonight!

It looks

like I'm going to have to kill.

- Who?

- I think she knows it.

Everybody head upstairs
to the dining room.

Move!

- But, where is he?

- What is happening here?

What kind of joke is this?

(loud laughter)

- Charles?

(loud laughter)
(indistinct speaking)

- [Luke] Father!

Father!

- Charles, Charles,
where are you?!

(loud laughter)

Go!

He's in the living room, go, go!

(perky music)

- Uncle Charles!

- [Luke] Father where are you?

- Quiet everyone, quiet!

Dad!

- Charles, where are you?!

- [Charles] The
living room you idiot!

- You better be in there!

Mother would turn
in her grave plot!

What is going on, I can
hear you everywhere?

This is ridiculous!

(indistinct speaking)

- [Larry] We don't have
time, we don't have time!

(loud laughter)

- [Kristen] What?

- Impossible.

- How?

- I checked your
pulse you were dead.

- Potassium cyanide capsules.

A gift from my friends

at the CIA.

- Ah, science fiction now.

- You forget I
have billions Josh.

I can make my heart
stop if I have to.

I'll send you a
batch for Christmas.

- Yeah but what about us?

What about the poison?

- What poison?

- You weren't trying to kill us?

- Of course not you baboons.

I'm not the criminal
here, you are.

Thieves, murderers, cannibals.

- Allegedly.

- Wrong, you gave
me my proof tonight.

And, considering what happened,

my legacy is not
going to be you,

I'm going to be yours.

- Anyone?

- [Everyone] What the fuck
are you talking about?!

- Everything has been sold.

The firm, the properties,
the art pieces.

2.7 billion dollars.

But you know my
net worth already.

I'm retiring to
spend my last years

where you'll never find me.

- But what about us?

- The whole house
is bugged darling.

With all the details
you spilled tonight,

I'm sending you all to jail.

(loud laughter)

Penniless and in jail.

- So you would of let
us blow our heads off?

- Open the gun.

- Josh.

- What?

- Josh open the gun!

Open the gun, open
the gun, open the gun!

- Give me the god damn gun!

- Jean has always been a master

of slight of hand.

- But you wouldn't send us,

your own children to jail.

- I'm doing this for
you believe it or not.

I'm giving you a
chance at redemption.

Take it.

Pay your debt

and try to come
out the other end.

Or leave it and end up like

the bunch of deplorables
you are surrounded by.

(loud sirens)

Ahh, perfect timing.

(indistinct speaking)

I bid you adieu.

Try not to think
about me too much.

But I think that's
too much to ask.

A dieu mon ennemis!

(loud laughter)

- Daddy daddy!

(loud tires screeching)

- Jean.

(loud static)

(loud shatter)

(slow paced music)

(loud ringing)

- Why is it that pleasure

is never without interruption?

Hello?

- Linda my pet.

My reason for living

and my peptic ulcer.

- Charles.

- [Charles] You sound naked.

- Maybe I am.

- Well are you enjoying
your 72 million?

- I don't know yet.

Are you dealing
with your demons?

- Oh I am darling, in style.

I am I truly am.

And I must say you
were truly spectacular.

- Finally something we
both agree on my dear.

What did you do with
the two little spies?

- I disposed of them.

They knew too much.

(loud snoring)

(loud laughter)

Is Jean there?

Tell him goodbye for me.

- Goodbye.

Charles?

- Uh huh?

- It was me who pushed you.

(loud laughter)

- No you were not my dear.

- Oh you sound so
sure of yourself.

- Well as much as I would
like to give you credit,

we both know who done it.

- Yes you devil.

But I didn't know
you knew I knew.

- I know my dear.

- Ciao ciao.

(loud drumming)

- [Narrator] Well,
what did you expect?

All the answers.

I still don't know who done it.

He wouldn't tell me.

But he paid me enough
to write his story

and not ask any questions.
(loud laughter)

I don't know if he
got what he wanted.

But I suspect he got
what he expected.

(loud laughter)

I imagine he's still laughing.

And so am I.

(loud laughter)

(upbeat music)

♪ You think you want me ♪

♪ I'm not for sale ♪

♪ You wanna take me ♪

♪ Take me to jail ♪

- I want my lawyer.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

(loud sobbing)

♪ Baby you need me ♪

♪ I'm on my knees ♪

♪ I'll blow your ego
if you say please ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Give me your money ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ I'm not for sale ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Take me to jail ♪

♪ Money ♪

- Do I look good?

Just wanna make
sure I look good.

♪ Money ♪

♪ Give me your money ♪

♪ Easy ♪

♪ Situality ♪

♪ Calling ♪

♪ Intimacy ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Give me your money ♪

♪ You think you want me ♪

♪ I'm not for sale ♪

♪ You wanna take me ♪

♪ Take me to jail ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Give me your money ♪

♪ Get up and get moving ♪

♪ We have the obligation
to stand together ♪

♪ We speak with one voice ♪

♪ One act of kindness
as we are stronger ♪

♪ And we act as one ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ You know your
troubles there. ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ And all the money ♪

♪ Blow your troubles away ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Give me your money
and I'll blow you ♪

♪ Away ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Living on Easy Street
I've really got it made ♪

♪ No worries anymore,
made in the shade ♪

♪ I burn my money now
and haven't got a care ♪

♪ No worries anymore,
doesn't even seem fair ♪

♪ On Easy Street you
really ought to try it ♪

♪ On Easy Street you're
really gonna like it ♪

♪ Trust me ♪

♪ Way too much money ♪

♪ Way too much time ♪

♪ On Easy Street ♪

♪ Everything is just fine ♪

♪ Oh play it now ♪

♪ Indubitably ♪

(loud humming)