All language subtitles for The.Conners.517

Jackie, where the hell
have you been?

I had to ask Mark to come in
and help me wait on tables.

And what's this?

I'll tell you
where I've been.

I was at Thai Palace yesterday.

They had a lottery machine
that has a drawing

every four minutes.

There was a line of people
out the door

waiting to eat and gamble.

What were you doing
over there?

I thought they had
a restraining order against you.

That's
the schnitzel place.

It's just a warning
at Thai Palace.

So, anyway, I was looking
for a place to get a machine,

and turns out
the closest is Ohio.

So, I filled up the tank,
bought a bucket of chicken,

put on a diaper,
and, uh, took a little trip.

Okay, uh, I guess it'll draw
people when football is over,

but how do winners get paid?

Well, the small wins
I pay out of the till,

and then for
the big payouts,

they get a diaper
and directions to Ohio.

Hey, Ms. Glen.
What are you doing here?

I'm picking up my lunch.

Believe it or not, Mark,
music teachers do not fold up

and go into the cabinet
at the end of the day.

We eat, we sleep,

and after a day of listening
to my students play,

I also drink.

Let me get your order.

Please make sure
this order is perfect.

It's for my music teacher.

She also picks who gets
into the chamber orchestra,

and I just found out
that I'm competing

for the one
contrabassoon seat

with another student
who just transferred.

Don't worry.

I've always been great
with teachers.

I'll go sweet talk her.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Ms. Glen, right?

Yeah.

I have heard so much
about you.

Mark speaks very highly
of you.

Does he?

I'm surprised, because
I'm really not that nice.

A lot of teachers try to make
friends with their students,

but then it's hard when you have
to crush their dreams.

Would you like
extra ketchup packets?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Supply chain problems.

Packet shortage.

If she wants extra ketchup,

then she's welcome to squirt
some into a napkin.

Jackie Harris.
Oh, my God.

Holland Glen.

Mark, remember I told you
I was a rifle twirler

for the color guard?

Well, Holland marched
right next to me.

She was the drum major.

Well, now,
isn't this fun?

Hey, Ms. Glen.

So you two know
each other?

Yes, we do.

Hey, Jackie, why don't you
throw in a slice of apple pie

on the house for your
old friend, Ms. Glen, huh?

That's not a bribe
because Mark's trying

to get into
the chamber seat, is it?

What? [ Chuckles ]
Of course not.

That's ridiculous.

We're out of pie.

Would you like
a no-strings-attached

piece of cake instead?

No, thank you.

I-I-I don't want to be beholden
to Jackie Harris for anything.

She hit me in the head
with her rifle.

That-- That was a very
unfortunate accident.

No. It was because
you were

an attention-deprived
so-and-so,

always trying to
show me up.

I'm spinning my drum,
twirling my sticks,

and you tried to outdo me
by flipping your rifle

20 feet in the air.

Not true!

True, true, true!

And then you missed it
when it came down.

It grazed my head,
bounced off my drum,

and took out the flag girl!

She was an exchange student
from Uruguay.

Damn near set off a civil war
in the Model UN.

Look, look, it was...
[ Sighs ]

It was a very breezy day,

the rifle got caught up
in the wind.

I still write to Josefina.

She's forgotten all about it.

That's 'cause you gave her
a concussion!

Has anyone ever met
a member of the Conner family

and liked them?

It was the wind!

You and
your stupid rifle.

Mark has been practicing
the contrabassoon

for a year and half to get
a seat on the orchestra,

and we have had to endure
that horrible racket

day in and day out.

It's a very difficult instrument.

You play it beautifully.

Look, I just hope she doesn't
hold it against Mark

that she's upset with you.

He needs that seat
on his transcript

to have any shot
at a music scholarship.

Okay.
Yeah, this is
our only chance

to be able to afford
a good college.

Okay!

How was I supposed to know
that something I did

40 years ago was gonna
bite Mark in the ass?

Because the Conners are
the founding fathers

of generational failure.

Some Conner way back when
discovered the wheel

and traded it in
for the first beer.

- Captions by VITAC--

♪

Carrying this thing
is killing me.

Ugh!

Uh, it might seem like a pain
lugging that thing around,

but you're never gonna get
that chiseled

summer contrabassoon bod
unless you put in the work.

Ben, you're coming
to the recital, too?

Of course I am.

He's, uh, never heard you play
with other musicians,

and this is your last performance

before Ms. Glen
chooses the orchestra.

We gotta cheer you on. Yeah.

This is a big deal.

You're playing
the post office bicentennial.

We're celebrating 200 years of
stealing indigenous land

and turning it into
a delivery system

for aluminum siding coupons.

Yes, but they are
making amends

by giving everyone
who attends

a small book
of forever stamps

honoring the life and times
of the "Peanuts" characters.

[ Chuckles ]

I am such a Lucy.

Hm.

I'm more of
a Peppermint Patty guy.

She wears sandals
in winter.

Love that.

Hey, uh, listen, I'm feeling
a little better,

so I can pick Beverly Rose up
from school

and watch her tonight,
if you want.

Aww, that's very sweet.

But I've decided to stop
burdening the family.

I'm gonna bite the bullet
and hire a babysitter.

They're just so damn
expensive now.

They're like 10 bucks
an hour.

What happened to the days
where you just got paid

in Twinkies and rides home
with a hot dad?

Maybe you'll hit the jackpot
on the new lottery machine

at The Lunch Box.

I played and I won 20 bucks.

I don't know.
You need money to gamble.

Yeah, well,
you never know.

This guy at the tattoo shop

spent 50 bucks
on a game like that,

and he won 10 grand.

Really?
Yeah.

He got calf implants
and forearm implants,

and now he plays Popeye
on Hollywood Boulevard.

Dreams do come true, even if
they're stupid and weird.

♪

[ Sighs ] There are
no refreshments,

and I forgot
my emergency Slim Jims.

Thank you.

Oh, unless that's a menu,
I'll pass.

Let's find Mark's name
in the program.

Yeah.

Oh, look, here's that other
contrabassoon kid,

Aiden Stokes.

Mark is great.

Why would they even need
two contrabassoon players?

Well, it's like baseball.

That guy's just a backup.

If Mark blows too hard
and pulls his groin,

that other kid
will take the field.

[ Sighs ]

Well, thank you all
for being here.

The Lanford High music students
are very proud to help celebrate

the bicentennial anniversary
of this post office

with a program
of classical favorites.

Favorites
are so played out.

I know most of you
are here

to collect the latest
"Peanuts" stamps.

You know, Gershwin had to wait
50 years to get his.

Let's give another one to
the bald, depressed cartoon kid

who's not even real!

[ Laughs ]

Enough about that.

Now, could the 10 musicians
that I've selected

for today's performance
please come in?

Like all of their fellow
music students

who are here today,
these 10 young people

are in contention
for this year's

Lanford High
chamber orchestra.

Where's Mark?

[ Orchestra tuning ]

The restaurant's
all closed up.

Here's your phone.
Oh, yeah.

Thanks. Sorry.

I-I could've sworn
I left it here.

You know, without my phone
as a distraction,

I had a chance to...

just sit here and think.

Really?

What were you
thinking about?

How much I miss my phone.

It's almost 9:00.
What took you so long?

I was cleaning up, and I wanted
to do a thorough job.

[ Laughs ] Oh, well, there's
a red flag right there.

You weren't playing
that lottery machine, were you?

'Cause you were on that thing
all day.

Hey! I was not
on that thing all day.

Sometimes I was on my phone,
I was studying,

I was daydreaming.

It's hard to avoid work
with the customers

constantly nagging you.
Alright, alright.

Just as long as you don't
get carried away

playing the thing.

Those machines are
for suckers--

I mean
our valued customers.

How was the recital?
Darlene: [ Sighs ]

Well, we watched
somebody else's kid

play the contrabassoon
for two-and-a-half hours.

Ms. Glen pulled Mark.

Oh, darn.

Well, I gotta go.

No, you're not going anywhere.

Hey, Mark,
can you come down?

I can't believe there was
another contrabassoon player.

I didn't know there were
more losers stupid enough

to want to play
that instrument.

Mark!

Is this important?

I'm busy practicing.

Now that the other kid's
the frontrunner,

I gotta audition
to get my seat back.

No, that--
that's not enough.

We've gotta do
some damage control.

I stayed after,
and I talked to your teacher,

and I convinced her to come
for dinner on Tuesday night.

Oh, God. Why?

Because, before she makes
her final decision,

I think she needs to know
that we are all dedicated

to your classical music aspirations.

And Aunt Jackie's gotta
apologize to her.

Oh, God.

Okay. I'll do it.

But you know how many people
get hit in the head with a gun

and don't get an apology?

A lot.

Wait.

Wait, we're gonna say
this family

is dedicated
to classical music?

It-- It won't hurt for her
to think we're a family

that appreciates
the finer things.

And what exactly
is gonna do that?

The crystal chandeliers,

the-- the gold leafing
on our dinner plates,

or Billy the Singing Bass
over the fireplace?

O-- Okay. Alright.

I-I-I have to say something.

Anytime this family
tries to maintain

that they have any class at all,
Billy Bass takes a hit.

All he does is sing,
wiggle his tail a little bit.

Suddenly, he's the poster fish
for stupid?

I'm sorry, no!

He makes me feel good,
and I love him!

♪

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

[ Machine thumps ]

Damn it.

Lost again.

Okay.

I'm done.

Okay, one more.

[ Door shuts ]

Aah!

Godfrey Daniel!

[ Laughs ]
It's midnight.

What are you
still doing here?

Actually, uh,
I couldn't remember

whether I locked the front door,
so I ran over here.

Um, I was just about
to leave.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm still having
trouble sleeping,

so I told Jackie I'd come in
and clean out the air ducts.

Ah, you haven't
kicked the insomnia, huh?

Oh, no. I've been up watching
infomercials all night.

I got excited about
a needlepoint kit,

and I took that
as a warning sign.

Hey! Is that
a lottery machine?

I saw one of those
over at the Thai Palace.

Don't tell your aunt
I was there.

Yeah, Jackie saw it, too,
and she got one for here.

Mm, you been playing?

Oh, my God, no.

These things are
for suckers.

Must have been
our last customer.

He also ordered
the fish soup.

Some people are
just gamblers.

So, how long are
you gonna be here?

I'll be up in the crawl space
for about an hour.

Um, I got
some stuff to do.

I could wait for you.

Are you sure?

Shouldn't you
get some sleep?

I had statistics class today.
I got some sleep.

Let's have a milkshake
when I'm done.

Oh, sounds good.

Come on, come on, come on.

[ Knocking on door ]
Oh, she's here.

Let me answer it.

Please, everyone,
try to be casual.

Just pretend to be a nice,
ordinary family

that had a genetic anomaly
and produced me.

Hi, Ms. Glen.
Please, come in.

Alright, thank you.
[ Ominous orchestral music
blares ]

Ooh!
Interesting choice.

[ Volume lowers ]

You're not planning
on murdering me, are you?

[ Laughs ]

No.

No, that's just
the kind of music

I like to listen to

when I unwind
at the end of the day.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] I assume
you work in a slaughterhouse?

Honestly, our-- our mother,
God rest her soul,

encouraged us to believe

that you don't have to be rich
to have refined taste.

Oh, that's very true.

And because of that,

I'm raising my child
to have an open mind

and not make fun of people
who like classical music,

'cause let's face it,
it's just too easy.

Is it?

Come over here.
Let's find out.

No, thank you.
I will be in the kitchen now.

Oh, my.
Look at that.

You've got
the singing fish!
[ Chuckles ]

Does it also
have refined taste,

or does it stick
to "Take Me to the River"?

You know,
Becky had a great idea.

Why don't we all go
sit in the kitchen?

Oh. [ Sighs ]

You're here.

Uh, I just wanted a chance
to clear the air with you.

Why don't we just leave
the air where it is?

Oh, please.

I just think that it's important
that, uh, I let you know

that maybe I did twirl my rifle
a little higher that day.

It's because I was
jealous of you, Holland.

I was invisible.

You were everybody's
favorite.

The cool drummer girl.

You were
Karen Carpenter.

I get that a lot.

So, um, just wanted you to know
that I'm really very sorry.

Thank you.

So what?

You were insecure
in high school.

We all were.

But I didn't hit anybody
with a gun.

I take it all back.

Jackie!

Well, don't worry.

Jackie isn't what's gonna affect
my decision about Mark.

But you people trying
to impress me

that you know anything about
the music I love isn't helping.

Okay, you're right.

Maybe we're trying
a little bit too hard.

But we really do love
classical music.

Come on, you're gonna
stick with that?

Okay.

Which do you like better--

Beethoven's 11th symphony
or his 12th?

Now, Mark, you know what
my favorite is,

so don't say anything.

I think there's only nine.

Ben, don't make us
look stupid.

I mean, 11. Yeah.

Totally.
Yeah, that's what
I was gonna say, 11. Yeah.

Yeah. We're all 11-heads
in this house.

It's unusual, because...

like Slaughterhouse Joe
over here,

I've only heard nine.

Well, you gotta listen
to 11.

He really outdid himself.

There is no 11th.

There are only nine.

Well, the one I heard
must've been a bootleg.

Okay, ass-kissing period
is over.

Just tell me
what's really going on.

Okay, fine.

Look, chamber orchestra
is the only way

that Mark has a chance
at getting a scholarship

that could get him
into a good college,

and we really need that.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

Mark, I let Aiden
play the recital

because I know
what you can do,

but I needed to
hear him under pressure.

The orchestra seat
is gonna come down

to who gives
the best audition.

Thank you,
and goodnight.

Are you sure you don't
want something to eat?

We can pack you a bag.

No, thanks.
I think I'm just gonna stop

at the Thai Palace
on the way home.

I love that place.

Whoa.

♪

♪

Hey.

Hey!

Uh, are you still working
on the air ducts?

'Cause I just came--
Save it.

I heard you took off
right after dinner,

and I had a feeling this
is where you were going.

Oh. [ Scoffs ]
I'm a grown woman.

I don't have to stay
after dinner.

I moved out of your house
when I was 47.

I'm on my own now.

So, where do I look for
the losing lottery tickets?

In the trash can?
In your purse?

How you wanna do this?

Oh, come on, Dad.

This isn't a big deal.

I'm just trying to get
a little financial independence

from the family.

How much are you down?

A couple bucks.

I'm gonna ask you
one more time.

I'm down a paycheck.

Damn it, Becky.

Other people can do this.

They can lose and then
walk away, but you can't.

You've got a history of
starting things you can't stop.

Now, it's great that you
don't want to rely on us,

but you're gonna rely on us
a lot more

if you lose
all your money.

Uh, this one kind of
snuck up on me.

I guess I just got hooked
on the hope

that I could make
a couple big hits

and-- and finally
get ahead.

You think you can work here
with this thing?

I don't know.

I don't think Jackie's gonna
want to get rid of it.

Yeah.

It's a shame
it got stolen.

[ Playing "Ode to Joy" ]

♪

You've grown a lot.

I know. I've had a freakish
growth spurt this year,

and I'm worried
it's never gonna end

and they're gonna
have to build

a special house for me
and then...

I'm not talking about that.

Aiden Stokes is not
better than you.

Thank you.

But you're not
better than him.

You're equally proficient.

But I'm giving the seat
to Aiden.

Why?

Y-You said yourself
he's not better than me,

and I-I was here first.

Yes. But for him, it's about
his love of the instrument.

Music is his life.

You're a smart young man

who just needs
to get to college,

and you found a loophole

you thought you could
squeeze through.

I'm not in
the loophole business.

But-- But I need to
get to college.

Now you're just-- you're just
taking away my whole future.

I'm not taking away
your future.

I'm giving Aiden
the one he deserves.

I am underfunded, underappreciated,

but I am determined to give
dedicated young musicians

a chance they are not
gonna get anywhere else.

You? You're gonna
figure this out.

I've never seen a kid
as smart as you not find a way.

Thanks.

If I knew I was gonna
get screwed,

I would have done all this
with a piccolo.

♪

[ Door opens ]

Oh, there he is.

Okay, so, how'd it go?

The way we hoped it would.

Aiden didn't stand a chance.

I got the seat.
Way to go!

Oh! Thank God!

Yes!

So, when is
the first concert?

Muffy and Biff will simply
be dying to know at the club.

No concerts right now.

I'll let you know when.

Uh, okay, 'cause you know
the Conners

are gonna be there
front row.

I'll make sure everybody
wears shoes.

Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna go tell Ben.

You just lied to Mom,
didn't you?

I-I couldn't tell her.

She's got so much
on her plate right now,

I don't want her worrying about
how to pay for college too.

Man, I-I really thought
this was the way

I was gonna get into
a four-year university.

Now I gotta figure out
something else.

But you better
figure something out,

because it's gonna be
pretty obvious

you didn't get
into college

when we pack up your shower
caddy and your mattress pad

and drop you off
in a field somewhere.

What do you think?
I'm almost done.

"I'm not a hot mess.
I'm a spicy disaster."

It's you!
[ Laughs ]

How's yours coming?

"I'd rather be gambling."

I think you're missing
the point of this exercise.

[ Laughs ]

I'm also working
on this bigger one.

"I tried to be normal once.

Worst two minutes
of my life."

You know what's great
about that?

It'd be a perfect gift
for anyone in this family.

[ Laughs ]