All language subtitles for The.Conners.511

♪♪

Hey, Darlene!
I need a hand.

I gotta go
to a memorial service

for my high-school
English teacher on Sunday,

and I don't know
what to wear.

Uh, black and shoes
you wouldn't go camping in.

Oh, I know black.

But I'm gonna see
classmates

I haven't seen
for over 50 years.

I don't want
to look shabby

'cause I'd at least like them
to ask how I'm doing.

Then I can say "poorly,"
and we can move on.

Alright, fine.

Uh, what about the suit
you married Louise in?

I don't want
to make it all sad.

It's in the happy end
of the closet.

You have happy clothes
and sad clothes?

Yeah.

Like I got a happy daughter
and a sad daughter.

And here's the happy one.

Hi!
It's a beautiful day.

Let her help you.

The sad one is busy
looking for work right now.

Uh, "Must be upbeat and like
working with people."

Next.

What are you guys
doing here, anyway?

Didn't I build you
a house?

Well, Darlene is using
your Wi-Fi,

and my mail still comes here

so I can tell
the credit card company,

"I would've paid it, but it
didn't come to my new place."

What's the clothes problem?

I gotta go to a funeral
on Sunday,

and I don't have
anything to wear.

I got a sports coat,
but it's kinda loud.

My English teacher
would've said it's "gauche."

She just made up words
like that.

She was so cool.

Here's something for you
from the bank.

It says "time sensitive."

Damn it.
What?

My variable mortgage rate
blew up,

and I owe 6 grand
I don't have.

Oh, my God.
How soon do they want it?

They want it now.

[ Knock on door ]

Darlene:
Can somebody get that?

Sorry.
Delivery Girl Darlene's

gotta finish
this job application

before she drops off
some Italian food.

Damn it!
I just wrote "chicken parm"

under "special skills."

Oh, my stars and garters!
Smitty!

Hello, Dan!

Good to see you,
brother.

Girls, this is Smitty.

I told you about him.

He's a buddy
of me and your mom's

who made a killing
in the pool supply business.

Honestly, I didn't think
you'd show up for the funeral.

Why hang out with us regular
folks after you made it big?

'Cause showing the regular folks
how you made it big

is the whole point of
making it big.

Money doesn't bring
you happiness, Dan.

But it makes other people
feel badly about themselves,

and that makes you happy.

Well, mission accomplished.
[ Chuckles ]

I had to be in Chicago anyway.
I bought a hospital here.

Hey, would any of you folks
get a triple bypass

at a place called
Smitty General?

Yes, I'd like one.

Hi. I'm Becky.
Hi.

Uh, I'm always looking
for a good place

to have a mental breakdown,
if you offer those services.

I'm Darlene.

Hi.
You're Rosie's kids.

I'm sorry about your mom.

She was a one-of-a-kind.

I don't know if you know this,
but I was almost your dad.

You still can be.

We both had a thing
for your mom.

And she chose Dan.

Can't blame her.

Hell of a guy.

Anyway,
I just dropped by

'cause I'm giving everyone
in our gang a little gift

before we get together
at The Lobo tonight.

Oh.

"In Loving Memory
of Mrs. Willens.

She always said I was going to
be someone special, and I am."

Smitty Cusamano.

[ Laughs ]

Well, that's quite
a tribute to her.

No, it's -- it's for me,
because I did so well.

I --
Well, I think it's fun.

I'll see you later on tonight
at The Lobo, Danny boy.

And, um, we're gonna have
a free breakfast program

at the hospital
for underserved communities.

You should come by.

Some eggs and a sausage'll
bring that color right back.

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

[ Clears throat ]

Your attention, please.

Next up on the catwalk, in this
season's hottest winter look,

direct from Milan...O's Pizza...

...Lanford's own Beverly Rose!

Oh, wow!
Look at you.

Pretty fierce, the way
you're rocking those Fuggs.

They're real Uggs.

Wow. Those aren't cheap.

Don't worry. They're gonna get
plenty of use.

When she outgrows them,
your mom can wear them.

Ooh, burn on me.

I don't have your big,
fat yeti feet.

Go put your new shoes by
the door, sweet pea.

Celebrate with me?

I finally figured out
what I'm going to do

with my psychology degree.

I talked to my advisor,

and I'm going to be
an addiction counselor.

Is this your way of telling me
that I get high too much?

Because I just took a gummy,

and I'm getting
a little paranoid.

No, it's about
how good I feel

helping people I've sponsored
turn their lives around.

Turns out all those years
I was getting blackout drunk,

I was just doing research.

The only downside is,
I gotta get my master's degree,

which I can't afford to do

unless I live with
Ben and your mom

for two years longer
than we planned.

Have you told them yet?

No big deal.
I'll just move back in here.

Nope. Louise turned the extra
bedroom into a music room,

and Grandpa moved
his weed grow downstairs.

Why? I thought he was growing it
in their closet.

He was, but the pot
made Louise's clothes smell,

and a drug dog
took her down in Walmart.

♪♪

So, why was this teacher
so special?

She passed all the jocks

so we wouldn't get
kicked off our teams.

At my graduation, she said,

"Some of you have
bright futures.

Some of you don't know
your butts

from a hole
in the ground...

Dan."

Nice shout-out.

So, this is what
a room full of jocks

looks like
50 years later, huh?

Hey, I resemble that remark.

So, I was never an athlete,
but Mrs. Willens,

she showed the same grade
respect to the color guard.

She used to love
to watch me twirl my guns.

You got a lot of action
twirling those guns.
Yeah.

That's when my brother
fell in love with you.

Oh, yeah, everybody loves
the rifle girl.

Odd thing is, though,
nobody remembers me.

But I look
basically the same,

so, uh, I guess that's
what's throwing people off.

Louise Goldufsky?

[ Chuckles ]
Oh.

And
Jackie Harris.

Okay.
[ Laughs ]

So good
to see you again.
Yes.

Hey, Smitty, come join us
at our table.

I'll go get some drinks.

How you doing, Smitty?

How's he doing?

How's he d-- This guy
went from blowing the whistle

at swim meets to being
the biggest name in pool supply.

That's how he's doing.

Hey, you remember how I used to
watch you start the races?

I'll say yes
if we can move on.

Yeah.
Movin' on.

Maybe if you watch me
walking away, you'll remember.

So...I heard you and Dan
got hitched.

Although I wouldn't know it
from the ring,

'cause you can
barely see the stone.

Oh, hello! Peekaboo.
[ Sighs ]

You know, Smitty, um,
we're all really happy for you,

but between us, could you
ease up on the money thing?

Dan's going through
a rough stretch.

I'm sorry.
What happened?

Oh, you know.

Bank loans,
interest rates going up.

We got totally blindsided.

You guys should
watch the TV.

It's full of information.

Here you go.

So, Dan...
Milady.

How much ya need?

Enough to make me
feel pretty.

No, I mean money.
Smitty.

Hey, if you're behind on your
mortgage, let me help you out.

Oh, uh...

I appreciate it, man,
but we're good.

Oh, come on.
I wouldn't even miss it.

That's the thing about making
your first million, Dan.

After that, the others
aren't that hard.

It's like hamsters.

The money just climbs
on top of each other
and makes more money.

Well, let me put it
this way --

If you were a millionaire,
you'd do it for me, right?

Well, I don't know.

After I built the arcade
and a Buffalo Wild Wings

in my basement,
I might poke my head up

once a year to see
if anyone needs help.

Come on, Dan.

When other people
need help,

you're the first guy
to offer.

Six grand,
and I'll pay you back.

[ Sighs ]
You saved my ass, bro.

Happy to do it.

Hey, everybody!

A toast to all my pals
who are here this evening.

And especially
my friend Dan.

I haven't seen this guy
for 50 years,

and the first thing he does
is hit me up for six large.

Can you believe the stones
on this guy?

Huh?

Well, cheers!

[ All murmuring ]

That was for Roseanne,
jackass.

♪♪

What the hell, Smitty?

You loaned me that money
just to humiliate me?

I thought you were okay
with the whole Roseanne thing.

I thought I was.

Till I got here and everybody
started laughing,

remembering how I took
Roseanne to homecoming

and you went home
with her.

That was 50 years ago!

You humiliated me, man.

Payback's a bitch.

You know what's gonna be
a bitch

is putting your nose
back into place.

Hey, Dan --
Ah.

Always the big, tough jock,
right, Dan?

Folks, listen up.

Anybody got a beef
with Conner here?

'Cause I got two grand
for anybody

who'll take my place
in a fight.

Hey, Danny.

Bobo?

What do you and your fat wife
think of my new hat?

[ Laughs ]

[ Thud ]

I'll fight him for free.

I just offered you
$2,000.

This is why poor people
never get anywhere.

Had my jaw wired shut
for three months.

I don't need your money.

I'm not gonna fight you.

This is between me
and Smitty.

Well, then you're gonna
stand there

while I punch you
like you sucker-punched me.

Uh, Dan, you --
you cannot do any fighting.

Oh, I never walked away
from one yet.

Just hold this.

With all the anti-coagulants
I got in me,

I don't want to bleed
all over it.

Whoa, Dan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're all here to honor
Mrs. Willens.

This isn't how you do it.

First off, I remember
your rap sheet

from when I was a cop,
and you don't need this.

No, ma'am, I don't.

Louise, take Dan home
before something happens

that everybody's
gonna regret.

Come on, Dan.
It's not worth it.

You know what?
Yeah, I took Roseanne home!

And we had 45 good years
together!

Then I married this woman.
We're gonna have 45 more!

[ Exhales sharply ]
God forbid.

♪♪

Hey, can we talk
for a second?

Sure.

Uh, I know when we talked
about me moving in with you,

we decided on
a couple years.

I was wondering
what your definition is

of "a couple years."

Not one, not three.

You're in college.
You got this, right?

[ Sighs ]

Look, I might have to live
with you and Ben longer.

I want to be
an addiction counselor,

which requires
a master's,

so I'm gonna have to live
with you for four years.

It's just a couple,
but two of them.

Wow.

Four years.

I mean,
I was fine with two,

but waiting to be alone with Ben
that long is asking a lot.

I know.

But you were the one
who encouraged me

to go back to school and --
and make the most of my life.

Yeah, and I'm happy that
you found a direction in life,

but I have to
start mine, too.

I mean, what if you need
two more years after that?

And then two more years?

And then I'm stuck with you
for God knows how long?

Right? I mean, that's what
we did to Mom and Dad,

so I do know
how it works.

Do you think I like having
to ask you to stay longer?

I hate that I got so far
off track,

but now I finally know
what I want to do with my life,

and it's the only way
I can do that.

Well, I get it,

but it's gotta be fair
for me and Ben, too, right?

I'm sorry.
Forget I asked.

♪♪

Look, look, I-I know you don't
want to talk about this,

but I feel terrible.

I never should've told that guy
our financial stuff.

It's not your fault.

Man, I should've
just ripped that check up

and threw it in his face.

I don't know.

I would've lit it on fire
and shoved it down his throat.

Now we're just quibbling about
differences in approach.

It's not on you, Dan.

The guy set you up.

No.

I set myself up
by needing the money.

Maybe i-- if I'd have
worked harder

or done something different
with my life.

Oh.

Oh, come on, honey, no.

Everybody feels like that.

Not Smitty.

No, we both came from the same
circumstance, and he won.

He got everything he wanted
out of life, and I didn't.

Yeah, we've already dodged
two fights tonight,

so I'm not gonna
take that personally.

♪♪

Look, I love my family,

but I do not want them all
at the house.

I just want to be with you.

I don't mind if they visit,

but I look forward
to standing in the doorway

and waving and saying,
"Take care. Drive safely,"

and then triple-locking
that door.

And Becky comments every time
I take a drink.

Can you imagine
when she's studying

to be an addiction
counselor?

Ben: Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be impossible.

She'll be all like, uh,
"Ben, that beer will not heal

the wounded child
inside of you."

No, but it'll knock
that little sucker out

long enough for me
to get hammered.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, how about this?

We save part of Becky's rent --
don't tell her --

and then, in two years,
we give it back to her

so she can move out
when she planned?

We can't do that.
I don't have a job.

We need that money.

Oh, you're gonna get a job.

But in two years,
will you really be able

to just toss her out
into the street?

No, that's why
you're gonna do it.

And I'm gonna say,
"Ben, what are you doing?

That's my sister,
and I love her."

Or...

We give it to her
to save.

No. She'll just blow it
buying Beverly Rose

a diamond tiara to go with
her brand-new Uggs.

Alright. Maybe we can
keep it a secret,

but we should say something

so she's not worried about it
the whole time.

Hey, Becky, come down here
for a sec!

Okay.
We'll keep the money a secret?

Yeah, now that I think about it,
I love the idea.

We hand her the cash,
we look super generous,

she's indebted to us forever
for absolutely no reason.

Listen, I am really sorry
about last night.

It's okay.
You were right.

It's my problem, and I have
two years to figure out

where I'll be living.

I think things
are gonna be okay.

I hope so.

All I'm saying is,
one way or another,

I know you will be fine.

Look, I let you
off the hook.

You don't need to make yourself
feel better by saying

I'm absolutely
gonna be fine.

No, I never said you were
absolutely gonna be fine.

I said I have a very,
very good feeling.

You don't know!

I could end up
in a refrigerator box

behind a dumpster,
fighting rats for French fries!

No, I do know!
I --

Ben and I decided
to save some of the rent

and give it back to you
so you can move out

after two years.
[ Sighs ]

Really?
Surprise.

I think it's great that
you're gonna help people.

Oh, thank you!

And once I get a job,
I will pay back every penny!

Mm.

Here.
Oh, thanks.

Someone's on their second beer
of the afternoon.

♪♪

Ray: Thank you all
for coming.

Some of you may remember
an assignment

that my wife gave you
where she asked you

to write a letter
to your future selves.

These were meant
for your 60th reunion,

but the Lord rang the bell
and ended her school day,

so please read them now.

Wow.

It's addressed
to "Mrs. Donny Osmond."

"I know the Mormons have
accepted you,

and right now,
you're probably recovering

from your whirlwind tour
of Asia with the guys.

All the people in school
who never noticed you

are gonna regret it.

Please remember the teenager
who promised herself that,

no matter how rich
she became...

she'd never
help her mother."

That's touching.

"Dear future self,
you had a rough year,

but things
are turning around.

You're now president
of the Junior Achievers Club,

and once you get a girlfriend,
everything will be perfect.

But don't go after
Louise Goldufsky.

I think she's gonna end up
in the roller derby anyway

and be out of your league."

What? You looked like
a roller-derby queen.

Yeah, I kinda do.

Uh, "Dear Dan, I know you're all
freaked out about the future,

but you're gonna play D-line
in the NFL, so don't sweat it.

It's easy for a Hall of Famer
to get a job.

Just be good at what you do,
find a woman who loves you,

and raise a family where you're
always there for your kids.

Not like our dad.

Be a stand-up guy, and that's
all you need to be successful.

Oh, yeah, and get
a cool motorcycle."

I did it.

I did that.

I even got the bike
in the garage.

And you never know
when the NFL is gonna call.

Hey, Smitty,
I just realized --

You didn't win.
I did.

I am a success in everything
that matters.

And I don't need
your money.

[ Check ripping ]

I'll figure it out.

I always have.

Took a lot of guts
to do that.

Yeah, well,
that's who I am.

Also, I cashed his check
this morning.

That was a $2 rebate
from the cable company.

♪♪

You look really familiar.

Excuse me?

I know you, right?

Oh.
I'm the King of Chlorine.

You probably saw one of
my late-night commercials.

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Those commercials
kind of suck,

and you're too old
to be wearing a Speedo, dude.

What the hell do you want,
Smitty?

Dan, I know I told you

I wouldn't notice
if I gave you $6,000,

but I did notice when
the bank cleared the check.

Look, look, look.

We could either stand here
and fight about what you did

or what I did,
or you can come in here,

say hello to the family
you could've had.

I-I-I'm not here
for the money, Dan.

I'm here to apologize.

This may surprise you,

but my rash behavior
has cost me a lot of friends.

It's the Speedo,
dude.

People are embarrassed
to be seen with you.

Oh, come on.
Deep down, he's a good guy.

Just nobody wants to dig
that far.

Now that I don't have
to pay you back,

you will always
have a friend here.

[ Chuckles ]

I-I'm sorry,
I can't forgive you

for what you did
to my dad.

However, if your hospital has
an opening in mid-management,

I can switch allegiances
in a heartbeat.

She really can.

- - Captions by VITAC --