All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S11E09 - Run For the Money (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

I've been looking forward
to lunch all morning.

-Breakfast here will do that.
-Hey, Father.

How come when you gave up
amateur boxing,

you didn't give up roadwork?

This is
how I stay in shape.

You know what they say:
"A body's a temple."

Then isn't it sacrilegious
to be sweating all over it?

I prefer my way
of staying in shape.

I can bench-press
a five-ounce martini.

Well,
just as you drink

to deal with life's
frustrations, I run.

Although I will admit

today it's not
working out so well.

I'm just coming back
from the orphanage.

That place is falling apart.

They don't have enough
heating fuel, enough food.

They don't even have a decent
roof over their heads.

Bulletin! Bulletin!
Hot news is good news.

Father, your legs are
gonna have company.

What is it now, Klinger?

Jessup McFarland has been
assigned to the 4077th.

Great! He can take my place,
whoever he is.

Jessup McFarland
just happens to be

a world-class hundred-yard-dash
man from Ohio State.

This is amazing.

Just yesterday,

as I was elbow-deep
in my sixth bowel resection,

it occurred to me.

What this hospital
really needs

is a good
hundred-yard-dash man.

But you don't understand.

He barely missed making
the '52 Olympics

by a tenth of a second.

-Who cares?
-What's with him?

Ah, you know how he is.

Little things get him
down: war, orphans.

Well, I got just the thing
to pick up everybody's spirits.

See, the 8063rd MASH

has a real good sprinter--
Earl LeMasters.

They love to sucker
the other units

into putting somebody up
to race against him.

Now we'll have McFarland,

but they won't know
McFarland's coming.

-Get the picture?
-Oh, sure.

We bet the 8063rd

that our best man can
beat their best man.

Right.

They'll think
we're being conned

'cause they won't know
we've got McFarland.

-We'll get odds.
-We'll clean up.

-Exactly.
-Not interested.

-Me, neither.
-Hey.

Aw, guys,
this is a sure thing.

I need a doctor back here.
I got some wounded engineers.

Corpsman at Battalion Aid
said there's nothing real
serious.

What happened?

You tell 'em, Porky.

We were
b-b-b-building a bridge,

and some beams
f-f-f-fell on us.

Th-Th-Th-That's all,
folks!

-Hey, knock it off.
-Come here.

The arm will be good as new,
just as long as you don't try

to catch any more
bridges with it.

[chuckle]
Th-Th-Th-Th-Thanks.

Captains, I've been
adding up some numbers.

Well, you better sit down.
Your fingers must be exhausted.

Come on, you guys.

The 8063rd is just
waiting to be plucked.

Pluck the 8063rd?

Yeah, like a dead chicken.
We got a guy coming here

that can run rings
around their ringer.

If everybody puts up
one week's pay,

we can all clean up
on the race of the century.

I'll give you
a whole year's salary.

-You? How come?
-I'd do anything

to get even
with their head nurse

Major Judy Parker.

Or, as every sailor
in the fleet

affectionately calls her,
"Parallel" Parker.

Sounds like there's
a wonderfully sordid story
behind that, Margaret.

I don't want to go
into any details,

but it has to do with
the rather unsavory way

she commandeered
the chief petty officer

from the U.S.S. Coral Sea.

I'm in for a week's pay.
How about you stiffs?

-No, no, no.
-No, thank you.

Come on. You two aren't
gonna deny Major Houlihan

her inalienable
right to revenge, are you?

Let her get even
with her own money.

-You--
-I can't believe you guys.

McFarland took third
in the N.C. 2 A's.

That's as close as you
can get to the Olympics

without being singed
by the torch.

Klinger, try to remember
this. Forget it.

Please. Please, don't
let this one get away.

Okay, okay, okay.
Did anybody ever tell you

you're irresistible
when you grovel?

Oh, thank you, sirs.

-I'll put up a day's salary.
-So will I.

-BOTH: What?
-Well, it's against
my better judgment,

but usually
my better judgment

is no better than
my worse judgment.

Just a day's salary?

The 8063rd will laugh
in our faces.

Come on, you creeps.
Where's your guts?

-We gotta strike now--
-Yeah!

...before they know
we've got McFarland.

We'll get great odds.

-Well?
-Ah, what the hell.

All I'd do
with a week's salary

is lose it in a poker game
anyway. I'm in.

Me too. What I don't throw
away here I send home to Peg,

and she throws it away
on stuff like groceries
and shoes for the kid.

You won't regret this. We're
gonna walk out of this war
rich men and woman.

God knows the only
reason I came to Korea
was for the money.

He's here.
I got the money down

and the bets covered
just in time.

-Here's your mail.
-Uh, fine.

I'm looking for
a Jessup McFarland.

Oh, he's inside.

Where is he?
Where is my avenger?

He's in the truck.
I still think

we should have gotten
a band for this occasion.

Uh, which one of you
is McFarland?

McFarland?

-[exhales]
-How many more
are still inside?

I'm it.

Well,
where's Jessup McFarland?

We were told
he was in there.

That's me.

I'm your new supply sergeant.

Can you help me
with this, sonny?

And point a weary old soldier
to his billet?

This guy could
break the tape

without leaving
the starting line.

You're Jessup McFarland,
world-class sprinter?

Oh, you mean Jessie Junior?

That's my boy.

Just missed the Olympics
by one tenth of a second.

People mix us up
all the time.

That's him
right next to me.

He's the thinner one.

I'd love to stay and chat,

but if I don't catch
my afternoon nap,

I'm nothin'.

You jerk.

Klinger,
prep yourself
for surgery.

We bet a week's salary
on a man

who's just healthy enough
to be in the human race?

Who knew
the kid had a father?

Captain Dr. Pierce, sir.

Klinger, you are not gonna
get on my good side

because right now
I don't have one.

I can't say
that I blame you.

I guess I'd feel the same way
if I were in your snit.

The handsome, dapper
Dr. Major Winchester, sir.

Klinger, you don't
have to suck up to me.

I didn't bet, and I
don't like you anyway.

Thank you, sir.

Tape recorder
material for you.

Must be some of that
long-hair music.

Could you play it and soothe
these savage beasts?

Sorry to disappoint
you, Klinger.

This is another
tape-recorded letter

from my sister Honoria.

At last, the words of
an intelligent person.

Bye.

For the lovely
and talented
Major Houlihan.

Klinger, stuff yourself
in an envelope

and mail it out of here.

Wonderful idea, ma'am.
Goldman!

Aw, lighten up on him, folks.

It's in the lad's chromosomes

to ask for money.

The twerp told us
that it was a sure thing.

Of course he did.
It's an instinct.

Klinger goes for a dollar

like a puppy
goes for a slipper.

Next time I'll swat him on
the nose with a newspaper.

Better yet, an encyclopedia.

If Klinger is a jerk,

what does that make us
for going along?

Fools who will soon be
parted from their money.

Isn't there
anyone else here

who can race
against LeMasters?

About the only runner's
legs we've got in camp

belong to the padre.

No good. We need a dash man.

Father Mulcahy takes
the first three miles

to get out of low gear.

Hey, stupid.

Uh, yes, O Velvet Voice?

Just how long is
this dumb race anyway?

Gee, we never really
discussed it.

-Excuse me, doctor.
-Yes?

-I'm Captain Sweeney.
Engineers.
-Hi.

You suppose I could
talk to my men?

Well, I see no reason why not.
They're doing very well.

-Hi, boys. How're you feelin'?
-Fine, Captain.

Yeah, I guess we were
kind of lucky.

And how about you, Palmer?
You nice and comfy?

Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes, sir.

Oh, that's good

'cause I certainly wouldn't
want it bothering you

that you almost cost
three men their lives.

B-B-B-But I--
I had no way of knowing

that th-th-th-the
b-bedrock w-was unstable.

Hell, I should have
known better

than to give any kind of
responsibility to a dummy.

I'm s-s-s-sorry, sir.

Well, a fat lot of good
that d-d-d-does.

[soldiers laugh]

Excuse me, Captain Sweeney.

May I talk to you
for just a moment, please?

-Sure, Major. What is it?
-Right this way, please.

Okay.

Captain Sweeney,

if you say one more unkind
word to Private Palmer,

I will personally write a report
detailing your inhumanity,

and I will have it
placed in your 201 file

where it will follow you
for the rest of your career.

-But Major, that--
-Is that clear?

-Yes sir.
-Thank you.

So you're the only hope
we've got.

I'm sorry, I'm
gonna have to say no.

-Chicken!
-Margaret!

-I'm sorry, Father.
-As a priest,

I don't think I should
be a part of this kind
of endeavor.

Pardon me, but aren't you
the same Father Francis Mulcahy

who just last Thursday,
in your priestly way,

laid down a king-high straight
and said "Read 'em and weep"?

-Yes, but--
-And the same Father Mulcahy

who runs the hottest bingo game
south of the 38th parallel?

-I'm afraid--
-Just answer the questions!

Okay, okay. Poker
and bingo are one thing,

but to have
the responsibility

for the money of others
resting on my shoulders--

-Come on.
-Cut the excuses,

Mr. Holier-than-thou.
Just run!

If you don't do anything,
the money's lost anyway.

And this way, at least
we have a chance of winning.

It would be so much work.

Training for something
like this is brutal.

You can't believe the pain.

But, uh, physical and ethical
considerations aside,

what's in it for me?

What do you want?

-A roof?
-Exactly.

Oh, we build them,
all right,

but I'm not clear
how this would work.

It's a bet. Father Mulcahy
wants a roof for his orphanage.

If he wins, you build it.

And who's this priest
runnin' against?

Earl "Jackrabbit" LeMasters.

Ah, him.

-Yeah, I heard he's fast.
-Yeah.

And I only have to
build this roof

if the priest beats
the Jackrabbit?

-Right. Yeah.
-So when, uh--

I mean, if the priest
loses to the Jackrabbit,

then what do I get?

If he loses,

I'll give you a week's pay.

I don't know.

And so will these
two doctors. Won't you?

Margaret, we're in this
deep enough already.

That's why we've
got to see it through.

That the kind of thinking

that's kept us in this war
for three years.

You got a better idea,
Jackson?

-Okay, it's a deal.
-It's a deal.

I can't believe
what we're doing.

Or how many times
we've done it.

What's the matter?

BOTH:
What's the matter?

If Mulcahy loses,
we're out two weeks' pay.

-Each! Each!
-You men.

You always worry
about little things.

B.J.: Keep up the pace,
Father. Only four more
miles back to camp.

We'll be there
quicker than you can say
"Babe Didrikson Zaharias."

Four miles?

It doesn't have to be four.

We can take a detour
through the minefield.

Ha...ha.

Come on, Father.
Four miles is nothing.

[engine sputtering]

[engine stalling]

-What's going on here?
-[sputtering]

-Any vital signs?
-You can make it.

Four miles is nothing.

B.J.:
Keep it up, Father.

HAWKEYE: Nothing keeps
a runner's legs in shape
like skipping rope.

I don't believe it.

This is the dopiest
thing I've ever seen.

I can't help it.

I learned it
in the third grade,

and this is the only way
I can do it.

"A," my name is Arthur.
My wife's name is Alice.

We come from Alabama,
and we sell apples.

You sure you wouldn't
like to eat some more
before I take your tray?

Uh, I d-d-d-d-don't
want any m-m-m-m-more.

Maybe you'd like me to just
sit with you for a while.

You like knock-knock jokes?
I just heard a good one.

Uh, n-n-n-n-no, thanks.

Okay. Well, I'll be back later
if you change your mind.

Hey, Palmer, she likes you.

Why don't you ask her
for a d-d-d-date?

Of course, by the time
you get the question out,

she'll be married
with six kids.

[soldiers laugh]

Good evening, Private.

-How are you feeling?
-Okay.

-Well, everything
here looks very good.
-Great.

Is there, um,
anything you need?

No. I'm off duty
in about an hour.

If you'd like,
I'll stop back.

We'll play a little,
uh, gin rummy.

Believe me, I'm not nearly
as good as I think I am.

Uh, I'm f-f-f-fine.

Could you p-p-please
l-leave me alone?

Sure.

[chatter]

He doesn't look
that great.

Is it too late to make
this a spelling bee?

The whole thing
spells disaster.

Margaret, why don't you
just give me my money now

and let me go on over
to the Officers Club?

I'm sure there's some
good-looking guy over there

who's starved
for an attractive woman.

[chuckles] Only one?
Why don't you try them all?

-You've got an hour to kill.
-[chuckles]

Don't forget, Father,

a lot of folks have
their wartime savings

riding on this.

A most comforting thought.

Padre, just do the best
you can.

If you lose,
don't worry about it.

Everybody'll survive.

In my own case, heck,

the Studebaker
will last Mildred

for another
couple of years.

Besides, double-clutching
is good for her rheumatism.

Colonel, please don't try to
boost my confidence anymore.

The church frowns on suicide.

Okay, everybody.

Uh, Private LeMasters,
Father Mulcahy,

step over here, please.

POTTER: Attaboy, Padre!

Okay, you'll be
racing from here

to the orphanage and back.

Approximately 12 miles.
Just follow the markers.

There'll be checkpoints
along the way.

And may the best man win.
Run him into the dirt, Father.

I sure hope you win
this one, Sherm.

I don't have the manpower

to build a new
trophy case. [laughs]

Crocker, don't count your
trophies before they're won.

This ain't no sissy sprint,
you know.

Are you kiddin'?

For LeMasters, 12 miles
is a sprint. [Laughs]

-B.J.: He's all yours, Father.
-KLINGER: Kick his butt.

On your mark!

[gunshot]

[cheering in distance]

Private Palmer?

N-N-N-Now what?

Oh, it's nothing critical.

Uh, Lieutenant, would you
bring that wheelchair

over here for me, please?

Just want to take
a few X-rays

and see how you're, uh,
how you're mending.

Oh.

-Easy.
-[grunts]

Tell you what. Why don't we--

here-- give Captain Marvel
the rest of the day off.

Let him spend some time
with Mrs. Marvel,
all the little Marvels.

Will you?

Thank you, Lieutenant.
I'll take it.

Like some water, son?

Sure, why not?
I got plenty of time.

Nothing personal, Sherm,
but your priest is awful slow.

Think maybe his beads are
weighin' him down? [laughs]

We got a sayin'
back in Missouri:

Don't start
skinnin' the catfish

till it's in the boat.

Sherm, this fish has already
been boned and fried.

And eaten.

First time I've seen
a fella come in fifth

in a two-man race. [laughs]

Some water, please.

It's not impolite
to drink and run, Padre.

You haven't lost yet.
You'll wear him down.

He's just a sissy sprinter.

Here we are, Private.

There.

I don't see any
X-ray m-m-machines.

Well, I must confess that
the X-ray story was a ruse.

I d-d-d-d-don't
understand.

I just thought it,
uh, would be better
if this conversation

took place out of earshot
of your sniggering comrades.

I notice you're a devotee
of comic books.

S-S-S-So?

So...nothing.

Uh, I'm all for losing oneself

in the pure adventuresome fun
of a first-rate Captain Marvel.

You read
C-C-C-C-Captain Marvel?

-Ever since he was a noncom.
-[laughs]

Of course, there are
other sorts of literature
which one can enjoy.

Have you ever
read the classics?

No. I'm, uh, too d-d-d-dumb
for that stuff.

Ah. Quite the contrary.
I have read your record.

You have an I.Q.
that is well above average.

I can-can-can-can't
even talk.

Palmer,

it so happens
that there is no correlation

between intelligence
and stuttering.

As a matter of fact,

some of the world's brightest
people have been stutterers.

[scoffs] N-N-Name one.

I'll name you several.

Demosthenes,
Thomas Jefferson

King George VI,
Winston Churchill.

Even if I
were sm-sm-smart,

n-n-no one would know it

'cause I c-c-can't
say anything.

Palmer.

Walt.

The point is that you know it.

You can aspire to a world

that offers you a lot more
than comic books.

I want you...

to have this.

It's Moby Dick.

That is a wonderful adventure.

I know. I r-r-read
the c-c-classic comic book.

[both laugh]

Uh, somehow, I suspect

that this version
will cover aspects

that the other one didn't.

[chuckles]

Th-This
is real l-l-leather.

I can't take this.

Please.

I want you to have it.

That is worthy
of your intelligence.

Thanks, M-M-Major.

How come you're d-d-d-doin'
all this for me?

I think you should
get some rest, uh, now.

There we are.

Easy on that stuff.

You don't want to carry
all that extra weight

in your kidneys.
Come on.

Easy on that stuff!

I gotta hand it
to you, Father.

[coughs]

You're really runnin'
your heart out.

It's for a good cause.

Oh, yeah?

HONORIA:
My dear brother Charles.

It was wonderful to receive
your latest t-t-t-tape.

I have so m-m-m-much
to tell you.

Last night was the beginning

of the s-s-symphony
s-s-s-season.

The guest, artist was
P-P-P-Piatigorsky.

[cheering]

I've ordered some shoelaces.

I think I'll see
if they're in.

-One more step
and I'll lace your face.
-Hey, look!

[crowd cheering]

-He's catching him!
He's catching him!
-[all shouting]

What did I tell you, Parker?

My Jessie Junior could
beat both of them

with one leg
tied behind his back.

Aw, eat cleats!

HAWKEYE: Come on, Father!
Come on! Go, go, go!

Thank you, Allah.
I'm alive and rich.

Well, Crocker, we may
have the catfish,

but you got scrod.
[laughs]

-[crowd cheering]
-POTTER: That-a-boy, Padre!

You got him! You got him!

KLINGER:
Come on, Father!

I will cross the line
on one condition:

that all the winnings
be donated to the orphanage.

Allah, talk to him.
You speak the same language.

You don't have much time.
Either donate it or lose it!

Just forget the money!
Cross the damn line!

[all cheering]

Father, where's your humanity?

Giving a guy's hard-earned
money to a bunch of orphans.

Oh, quit your bellyaching,
Klinger. All you lost
was your winnings.

Then they're not winnings.
They're losings.

In other words,
thanks for nothing.

-Good race, Father.
-You too.

-Wait a minute. I saw that.
-So did I.

-MULCAHY: What?
-That. What is all that?

-Yeah. He's taking
his loss awfully well.
-Yeah.

Wait a minute, Padre.

Back at the water hole,
you were drowning.

The next thing I know,
you're bustin' the tape.

I suspect there's some
"cahootinizing" going on.

-Father.
-Well, I could see

by the way LeMasters
was toying with me,

I didn't have a prayer.

So, every time he let me
get within earshot,

-I made conversation.
-Conversation?

Oh, I talked about
this and that--

the weather,

about how the rain
would leak through the roof

and drench those freezing,
starving orphans.

You know,
just your average chitchat.

So he, uh,
agreed to throw the race.

You didn't beat him,
you browbeat him.

When I got to the finish
line

I suddenly realized,
what's a roof

without a good floor underneath
it and walls to hold it up?

-Well, I really gotta
hand it to you, Father.
-Not bad.

I was bombing out until
we got to the orphanage

and he saw those dear
little faces cheering me on.

That's what really
broke his will. Thank God.

But Father,
we gotta strike now.

None of the other units
know that you've won.

The 8228th has a guy they
think is greased lightning

and he's not even
as fast as LeMasters.

Klinger, will you please
leave me alone?

I just want to put
my winnings in the safe.

I don't want any part
of your petty profiteering.

You're passing up
a golden opportunity.

I saw the way you ran
LeMasters into the ground.

The smart money
will be on you,

except you and I will be
the only smart ones.

Klinger, the smart money
is going in there.

Father, you're a winner.

For your information,
the race was fixed.

Fixed?
I don't believe it.

Yes. LeMasters threw it
for personal reasons.

I couldn't
beat him in a car.

Boy, I'm glad you told me.

I could have made
some very foolish bets.

Thanks.
Thanks for telling me, Father.

Sparky? Sparky!
All bets are off!

♪♪

♪♪ [theme]