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1
00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:04,134
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:57,622
Don't you love this?
Hot chili in the middle
of a heat wave.
3
00:00:57,666 --> 00:01:00,408
Quit your griping.
This steam table's
like a sauna.
4
00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:02,410
Then you oughta serve
Swedish meatballs.
5
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:03,933
[tapping on metal]
6
00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:06,066
Ears front, fellow sweaters.
7
00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:09,895
Tonight when the mercury
dips into the breezy 90s
8
00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,854
"Watch America's fighting men
9
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:14,465
as they march across Africa's
scorching desert sands"--
10
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,467
Again with this?
11
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,035
-"...and right into
your hearts in"--
-"Sahara!"
12
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,471
Hey, that's showbiz.
13
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,082
Klinger, if you're gonna
give us heat and war,
14
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,866
at least make it
new heat and war.
15
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:25,433
You're talking to
the wrong lackey.
16
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,652
I just show whatever
Special Services sends me.
17
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:30,220
-Maybe Bannister can help you.
-B.J.: Bannister?
18
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:33,397
-He's the movie courier.
-Come on. Let's go
be film critics.
19
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:34,703
[chuckles]
20
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,880
-Bannister, huh?
-Uh-huh.
21
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,577
I'm Hunnicutt. He's Pierce.
We're doctors.
22
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,318
Your movies are making us sick.
23
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:42,885
Gee, I'm awfully sorry,
but I have nothing to say
24
00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:44,321
about the movies.
25
00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:46,541
I just bring 'em.
I'm still sorry.
26
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,630
Who's the manager
of the Korean theater?
27
00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:51,720
-Oh, you mean
Major Frankenheimer.
-Frankenheimer.
28
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:54,070
Frankenheimer.
Head of Special Services
in Seoul.
29
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,898
He makes all the selections.
30
00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,074
Yeah, well tell him
if he sends us "Sahara"
one more time,
31
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,120
the audience will
be lobbing grenades.
32
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:02,383
-Hey? Hey?
-I'll see what I can do,
33
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:04,298
but, uh, don't expect
anything to change.
34
00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:06,517
Excuse me.
Uh, we're out of milk.
35
00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:08,040
Is there anything
left in your pitcher?
36
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,999
-Huh?
-Right there. The pitcher.
37
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:13,089
-Can we have your milk?
-That's milk.
38
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,570
Oh, well. I guess
that'll have to do then.
39
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,400
-Thank you.
-What?
40
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,576
-For the milk.
-[whispers] Yeah.
41
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:24,187
Is something wrong?
42
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,189
Why, does it show?
43
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,191
We're all sweating,
but you look like
you're drowning.
44
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,019
Oh, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
45
00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:32,717
Hey. Doctors, remember?
You can tell us.
46
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,676
[coughs]
It's, uh, women.
47
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:36,199
-Huh?
-Hmm?
48
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:39,115
Women. Women.
I get nervous around 'em.
49
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,769
Gee, that's too bad.
They're everywhere.
50
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,945
Yeah, well, that's why
I joined the army.
51
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:44,816
I figured I wouldn't
have to deal with it,
52
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:47,210
but, uh, I never
counted on nurses.
53
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,430
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
54
00:02:49,473 --> 00:02:51,432
Out of the frying pan
and into the O.R.
55
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,347
Now, that's what
makes me nervous.
56
00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:58,787
How's General Rothaker
coming along?
57
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:00,136
Still a little groggy.
58
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,529
But he should be up
and saving the world
59
00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:02,965
from peace in no time.
60
00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:05,141
Save the needles for O.R.
I hope I look okay.
61
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,056
I gotta go pay
my respects to him.
62
00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:08,884
You look great.
63
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:12,061
Those incompetents.
Those fools.
Those dunderheads.
64
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:14,063
-Which dunderheads are
you talking about?
-I-Corps.
65
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:15,369
Oh, the head dunderheads.
66
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,240
We ordered a case of
codeine, and look
67
00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:18,763
what they've sent us...
placebos.
68
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:21,244
-Oh. Pills that do nothing.
-Useless.
69
00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:24,073
-How much codeine do
we have on hand?
-About a week's worth.
70
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,815
-I'll tell the colonel
as soon as he's free.
-Thank you.
71
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,991
-Too bad they don't
use placebo bullets.
-Yes.
72
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:31,167
-Let the soldiers just
think they're dead.
-Mm-hmm.
73
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,648
This is the first MASH
I've ever toured on my back.
74
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:36,564
-You people do good work.
-Thanks, General.
75
00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:38,653
One thing, though.
76
00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:40,481
When they brought me
into the compound,
77
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,483
the corpsman had
beer on his breath.
78
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,615
Well, once in a while,
79
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,226
the men like to have
a tall cold one,
80
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,315
especially in this heat.
[chuckles]
81
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:51,361
But no one in my command
works a medical shift
82
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,276
in an impaired condition.
83
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,235
I'm not doubting it.
84
00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:58,238
But you do have your own
speakeasy here, don't ya?
85
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:02,024
Well, we do have
a kind of a social club.
86
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,331
Mmm. And this social club,
87
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:08,160
is it operated by authorized
Special Services personnel?
88
00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:11,163
Well, technically speaking,
it is not...
89
00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:14,515
Then technically speaking,
what is it doing there?
90
00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:17,039
Well, now, General,
we both know the best way
91
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:19,084
to blow off steam
is with a wet whistle.
92
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,869
I don't know that at all.
93
00:04:20,912 --> 00:04:24,525
I don't want to smell any more
booze on anybody's breath.
94
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:28,485
As of now, any bars
or alcohol in this area
95
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,226
are strictly off-limits.
96
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:33,882
-But, General...
-Colonel, this MASH is dry.
97
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:37,277
That's an order.
And I expect you
to carry it out.
98
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,669
Yes, sir.
99
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:48,113
♪♪ [movie soundtrack]
100
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,513
MAN: There they are, Stegman,
coming over the hills.
101
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:57,601
MAN 2:
Yes, sir. I see them.
102
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,346
[gunfire in movie]
103
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:07,176
♪♪ [jukebox]
104
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:10,527
There's no end
to this furnace.
105
00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,660
Baste me once before I die.
106
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:16,185
Didn't you inherit the
heat-resistant blood
of your forefathers?
107
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,188
They cut my family out of
the will when we moved to Ohio.
108
00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,277
C'mon, there must be
something you can do.
109
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,800
Take two ice cubes
and call me in the morning.
110
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,976
Very funny. You'll be
laughing at my funeral.
111
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,630
I tell you, I'm gonna die.
112
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:30,373
Courage, Camille.
I think I got something for you.
113
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:33,507
This is a brand-new,
top-secret experimental drug.
114
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:36,423
It keeps the body at a constant
comfortable temperature
115
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:37,946
no matter what
the weather's like.
116
00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:39,643
Gimme one.
117
00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:41,166
Gimme one, and I'll give
ya anything you want.
118
00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:44,344
Just keep it a secret.
Now only take one a day.
119
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:46,433
-You don't wanna
get pneumonia.
-Thank you.
120
00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,260
Thank you.
121
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,003
Tell me, Dr. Cronkite...
122
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,136
comes winter,
do you have something
that will keep me warm?
123
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,573
-Ah, I just gave
him a placebo.
-Really?
124
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:59,837
-And it's working already.
It cured us of him.
-[laughs]
125
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:02,318
Folks, could I have your
attention for a moment, please?
126
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:05,800
-The next round of
drinks is on me.
-[cheering]
127
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,019
That's because it's
also the last round.
128
00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:11,371
The 4077th from now on
is on the wagon.
129
00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:13,460
-MAN: On the wagon?
-[chattering]
130
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:15,505
I don't like it much myself,
131
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:18,769
but these orders came straight
from General Rothaker.
132
00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:21,424
And unfortunately,
he's got the regs
133
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,078
and two stars on his side.
134
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:27,299
So this is how it is.
No booze on base.
135
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:30,128
-What's the big deal?
We'll all go to Rosie's.
-[chattering]
136
00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:33,654
Sorry, folks.
Rosie's bar and any
other off-campus dives
137
00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:35,743
you can think of
are off-limits.
138
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:41,096
So my advice for now is drink
that final one real slow.
139
00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,924
It's gotta last ya.
140
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,274
[groaning]
141
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,842
The only good thing
about being here
142
00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:50,497
is that we're able to drink
and forget we're here.
143
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:54,283
Uh, we still
have the still.
144
00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:58,026
Oh. Shall we take a
stroll by the light of
the silvery moonshine?
145
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,506
[chuckles]
146
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:02,422
[Hawkeye whistling]
147
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:06,034
Mmm. I'm gonna go in there
and pour my heart out.
148
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:08,384
I'll drink to that.
149
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,039
No, you won't.
It's gone.
150
00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:12,519
Damn it.
151
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:16,392
Wait. They left a ransom note.
152
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,568
"Sorry, boys, but I've had
to impound your hoochmobile
153
00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,875
"for the duration of
Rothaker's stay.
154
00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,877
Reluctantly,
Colonel Potter."
155
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,618
Lousy revenuers.
156
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:26,315
-Gentlemen.
-Quiet, Charles.
157
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:27,664
I'm looking for the liquor ads.
158
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,927
I thought you went
to see "Sahara" tonight.
159
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:32,582
Indeed, I did.
But, alas, I had to leave
when the film broke,
160
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:34,062
which was about
two seconds
161
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,237
after I ripped it
from the projector.
162
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,239
And I would have
been here sooner
163
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:40,503
but I had to stop
to accept the cheers
of the entire audience.
164
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:44,333
My, my. What has become
of your wino's erector set?
165
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,901
Potter took it.
Rothaker has
declared prohibition.
166
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,511
Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to this.
167
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,992
"Blue movie banned in Boston."
168
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:53,081
-What?
-"'The Moon is Blue,'
169
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,735
starring David Niven,
William Holden
170
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:55,910
and Maggie McNamara
171
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:57,999
has been banned
from local theaters
172
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,914
due to its
suggestive nature."
173
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,481
Philistines.
They said the same thing
174
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:03,526
about "Babette Meets
the Fleet."
175
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,920
Gentlemen, uh, before
you unleash your libidos
176
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:08,836
bear in mind, Boston would have
banned "Pinocchio."
177
00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:10,577
"The Otto Preminger
film failed to receive
178
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:12,840
a production code
seal of approval
179
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:18,280
when he refused to delete
sexually explicit scenes
and dialogue."
180
00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:20,500
-This is a work of art.
-Sexually explicit scenes.
181
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,806
-And dialogue.
-We've gotta see this.
182
00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:24,199
What's the name
of that guy
183
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:25,722
in Special Services
Bannister works for?
184
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,550
-Uh, Frankenheimer.
-Frankenheimer!
185
00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:29,073
We gotta call him first
thing in the morning
and get this movie.
186
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:33,687
-Sexually explicit scenes!
-And dialogue!
187
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,993
-Yeah. Oh... Okay.
-What? What?
188
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:38,909
Well, Bannister did
everything he could,
but it's no-go.
189
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:41,564
Frankenheimer's not
taking calls from
anybody but top brass.
190
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:42,826
Why don't we
forget the movie
191
00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:44,132
and just have a
sweating contest?
192
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:46,656
Hi, guys.
Nice day, isn't it?
193
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,484
Will you look at him?
He's "sheveled."
194
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,268
Klinger, have you been
seeing an air conditioner
195
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:51,313
behind our backs?
196
00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:52,662
No need to, Doc.
197
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:53,750
Thanks to those pills
you gave me,
198
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,491
I'm cool as a cucumber.
199
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,188
I'm going for some coffee.
Can I get you a cup?
200
00:08:57,232 --> 00:09:00,061
-Coffee?
-What are you, crazy?
201
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,411
Looks like I've
discovered the cure
for the common hot.
202
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,065
I wish you'd never told me
those pills weren't real.
203
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,763
I'd be taking one
with my coffee.
204
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:12,029
-Hi, kid.
-Hi. What do you got there?
205
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:14,379
"Sahara." We're bringing it
back to Major Frankenheimer.
206
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:15,990
We wanted to deliver it
to him personally,
207
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,426
to make sure nothing
happened to it.
208
00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:18,993
Oh, hey, you guys
can't go in there.
209
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:21,082
Oh, perfect. Can you say
that again, louder?
210
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:23,040
-Huh?
-Trust us. Just do it.
211
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,999
Hey, you guys
can't go in there.
212
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:27,697
-Louder.
-Hey, you guys can't
go in there!
213
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,525
See? Now you're off the hook.
214
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:40,754
-Close the door.
-This looks like Busby
Berkeley's dressing room.
215
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,886
-What's goin' on?
-We're returning your movie.
216
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,323
The characters are interesting,
but the story's a little choppy.
217
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,108
Who are you guys?
218
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:49,371
Hunnicutt and Pierce,
the doctors who
killed vaudeville.
219
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:51,503
We're from the 4077th MASH,
220
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:54,506
your favorite dumping ground
for all the movies you love
to hate.
221
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:57,509
-Wait a minute.
Why am I shivering?
-Because it's not hot.
222
00:09:57,553 --> 00:10:01,513
Hey! How do you rate
an air conditioner?
223
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:02,906
'Cause I store film here.
224
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:04,647
You gotta keep
this stuff cool, babe.
225
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:07,519
Hold it. You're not a
general or a producer.
226
00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:08,956
I don't have to answer
your questions.
227
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,653
Well, allow us just one.
228
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,350
Why do you keep sending us
the same old movies?
229
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,961
What are you talkin' about?
230
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:16,398
I send you medicos the finest
product available.
231
00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:18,226
[buzzing]
232
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:21,882
What do you want?
233
00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,884
Well, why didn't you say so?
234
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:28,236
General Madsen, how are ya?
235
00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:30,891
[chuckles]
"High Noon." Yes, sir.
236
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:34,068
I got a print of that.
Saving it just for you.
237
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,722
[chuckling]
Uh-huh.
238
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,898
You and the senator
will love it.
239
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:41,728
Let's have lunch
some time. Ciao.
240
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:46,210
So, us medicos get the
best product available, huh?
241
00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:48,125
All right, all right.
242
00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:49,605
But you guys work
the front lines.
243
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,128
Nobody up there's
on my A-list.
244
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,826
Frankenheimer,
let's talk turkey.
245
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:55,176
And believe me, you've made us
authorities on that subject.
246
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,439
But you can make up for it
in one fell swoop.
247
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,049
We want a movie called
"The Moon Is Blue."
248
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,747
[laughs]
Are you kidding?
249
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,400
That's the hottest property
in the Far East.
250
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,315
I know. I know.
That's why we want it.
251
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,448
Forget about it.
No chance.
252
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:08,755
Will you guys beat it?
You're startin' to bother me.
253
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,582
All right, all right.
254
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,367
Let's throw away the script
and ad-lib a little, huh?
255
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:14,586
What's that supposed to mean?
256
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:16,980
Well, suppose you turned
away for a minute to, say,
257
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,373
uh, adjust
the air conditioner
258
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:20,070
and then when you turned back,
259
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,985
right there on your desk
were two $20 bills.
260
00:11:22,029 --> 00:11:23,160
Make it a 20 and a 10.
261
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:24,684
Would that take
care of the handling
262
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:26,686
and delivery charges
for "The Moon Is Blue?"
263
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,905
I am appalled.
264
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:32,517
Nay, offended, that you
would even make such an offer.
265
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:35,390
-Hey, no offense.
-We weren't trying
to bribe you.
266
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,740
I'll say you weren't.
That kinda money wouldn't
267
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:39,742
get ya my Hoover Dam
vacation movies.
268
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:42,658
-Well, what would it take?
-A miracle.
269
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,792
Hugo Reneke,
my distributor in Tokyo,
270
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:48,490
he's got that film booked
out for the next two wars.
271
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,710
-Can't you talk to him?
-I'd love to.
272
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,625
The phony little creep
won't take my calls.
273
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:57,281
-What if we can get to him?
-Fine. Fine. You do that.
274
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:59,457
You have him ship
the movie to me
275
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,156
and the same day,
I'll ship it out to you.
276
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:05,072
And while you're at it,
ask him for the Mona Lisa.
277
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:06,987
Now, will you guys
please get outta here?
278
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,032
I have things to do.
279
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,121
-We don't want to use up
too much of your cool air.
-Out.
280
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,470
Does this mean we're
not having lunch, babe?
281
00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:13,689
-Out.
-Fine.
282
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,343
We sure put him
in his place.
283
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:17,258
Which is a lot cooler
than this place.
284
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,782
Welcome back to the tropics.
Any luck in there?
285
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:21,566
Ah, he gave us
the cold shoulder.
286
00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:24,439
I gotta admit, it was
nice while it lasted.
287
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,180
Bannister, are you all right?
288
00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:28,791
Relax, pal. Frankenheimer
didn't blame you.
289
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,967
Oh, that's not it.
I just got off the phone
290
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:33,317
with a friend of mine who
fixed me up with a date.
291
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:35,667
-Yeah?
-With a girl.
292
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:37,191
Now I gotta call her.
293
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,671
-Terrific.
-Oh, you gotta be kidding.
294
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,978
I can't take her out.
I can't even call her
295
00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,458
to tell her I can't
take her out.
296
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,286
I'm pathetic.
297
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:47,941
No, you're not.
You're just a little
shy, that's all.
298
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:51,422
A little? Oh, come on, Doc.
This is like a disease.
299
00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:53,860
-Disease, huh?
-You know, Bannister,
300
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,209
it's funny you
should mention that.
301
00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,472
One of these can give
you more confidence
302
00:12:57,515 --> 00:12:59,561
than all the deodorants
ever produced.
303
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:01,606
Oh. Sounds good to me.
304
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,304
Take it easy with those things.
They're very potent.
305
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:04,871
We don't want to
turn you into an egomaniac.
306
00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:06,786
Yeah. I took two yesterday,
and now I'm so terrific,
307
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,178
I can hardly
stand myself.
308
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:16,970
[exhales]
309
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:21,844
B-5. That's "B,"
as in blessed, 5.
310
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,586
Rats. All I need is B-4.
311
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:26,675
I'm sorry to
bother you, Colonel,
312
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:29,591
but we're down to a
three-day supply of codeine.
313
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:31,767
When is I-Corps gonna
replace those sugar pills?
314
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,377
I called them this morning.
315
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:36,076
According to their records,
they sent us codeine.
316
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:38,339
I told them we got
sugar pills instead.
317
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:41,516
I even sang them a few choruses
of the four-letter serenade.
318
00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,431
They still say
it's codeine.
319
00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:46,521
"O," as in Old Testament...
320
00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:48,479
63.
321
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:51,004
-Monkey muffins!
-Are we gonna get it?
322
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,180
Don't worry.
I'll call again tomorrow.
323
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,399
I'll keep calling 'em
until I get results.
324
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,053
I hope you can
work it out, sir.
325
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,533
Not much I can do.
326
00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:00,230
It's a game of luck.
Come on, B-4.
327
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:03,059
"N," as in Nebuchadnezzar...
328
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:04,931
38.
329
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,499
What do you think you're doing?
330
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,501
I'm marking my card.
I have N-38.
331
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,547
That may very well be
your number...
332
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,550
but that is my bean.
333
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:19,423
Well, pardon me, sir,
but I don't see your name on it.
334
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:24,341
No. No. Nevertheless,
it came from my side
of the pile.
335
00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:25,908
Major, all the beans
are the same.
336
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,258
No. No. Let me show you
the difference.
337
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,260
These are your beans.
338
00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:32,959
These are my beans.
339
00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:35,918
Okay. Okay.
Excuse me for living.
340
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,965
There is no excuse
for your living.
341
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,923
Those are my beans!
342
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,317
Looks to me, Major,
like somewhere out there...
343
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,015
is a butterfly net
with your name on it.
344
00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:49,062
Well, what do you expect?
It's 150 degrees in here.
345
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:52,021
I haven't had anything
refreshing to eat or drink
for over a week.
346
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:55,155
Besides which,
those are my beans.
[mutters]
347
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:59,942
You're perfectly right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have an announcement.
348
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:05,600
Effective immediately,
those are Major Winchester's
beans.
349
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,994
CHARLES:
Thank you.
350
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,910
Told ya! Poor slob's
crazed from the heat.
351
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:14,174
-It's all yours, Padre.
-Thank you, Colonel.
352
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,614
"B," as in Bathsheba...
353
00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:22,617
-14.
-Bingo!
354
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:24,401
Damn Sam!
355
00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:27,622
-[crowd murmuring]
-I think we ought to take five.
356
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:32,540
We have fruit punch
and, uh, assorted nuts.
357
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:36,631
KLINGER:
Okay. Let's play bingo.
358
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,895
Klinger, how can you dress
like that on a day like this?
359
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,853
Don't worry, sir.
I know you want
to keep the lid on this.
360
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:44,073
I haven't told a soul
about these little
white miracle pills
361
00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,641
-that Captain Pierce
has been working on.
-Pierce, huh?
362
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,643
Well, I wanna be the first
to tell you that it works.
363
00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:51,385
Here I stand, a guinea pig
that isn't sweating like one.
364
00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,691
I think I'd better have
a little confab with your
365
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:56,390
family physician
as soon as he returns.
366
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:59,262
-Is there something
I should know, sir?
-Not really, you lucky devil.
367
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:02,309
The less you know,
the better.
368
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,057
Home is where the heat is.
369
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,842
-Evening, gents.
-Hi, Colonel.
How 'bout this weather?
370
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:15,975
It's hot, especially
under my collar.
371
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,499
Where do you get off
passing out those placebos?
372
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,805
Well, I figured what Klinger
didn't know would help him.
373
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,025
Look, the only way I'm gonna
get real codeine
374
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:26,637
is if I can show them that
what they sent us is placebos.
375
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:29,379
And I can't do that if Klinger
keeps gulping them down.
376
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:32,687
As of now,
the pharmacy is closed!
377
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:37,735
Looks like the
only draft around here
378
00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:39,563
is coming out of
Klinger's mouth.
379
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,217
Nothing keeps in this weather,
especially a secret.
380
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,002
Wait a minute, sirs.
I need to talk to you.
381
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,525
Klinger, about those pills...
382
00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:48,007
-Shh. That's a secret.
-Oh. Sorry. Sorry.
383
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,618
That's why I wanted to see you.
I needed some more.
384
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,489
More. Look, Klinger...
385
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:55,492
I just took my last one,
and I wanna thank you.
They saved my life.
386
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,799
Look at me.
I'm a human being again.
387
00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,148
You guys are terrific.
388
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,803
Yeah. Well, see, further
research has revealed
389
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:04,066
that one pill lasts
for a whole week.
390
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:06,329
Gee, I...
I've taken four.
391
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:08,331
-You mean I'm safe for a month?
-Exactly.
392
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:11,987
Gee, that's great.
How'd it go with Frankenheimer?
393
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,120
It didn't.
He's just a middleman.
394
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:15,512
The only guy who can
get his hands on
395
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,558
that film is some
distributor in Tokyo.
396
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:20,343
Well, you can't quit now.
What's his name?
397
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:23,390
Hugo Reneke.
What difference does it make?
398
00:17:23,433 --> 00:17:25,522
Look. I owe you guys a favor.
399
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:28,873
Let me make a few calls
to the underground
clerks' network.
400
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,745
I'm sure whoever this guy is,
401
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,747
he's got a back
that can be scratched.
402
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:36,533
Scratch away.
403
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,578
Captain.
404
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:41,886
Captain, we're in business.
Show business.
405
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,193
-What are you talking about?
-"The Moon Is Blue."
406
00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:47,109
-We're getting
"The Moon Is Blue."
-Oh, that's terrific.
407
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,719
You got to Reneke?
How'd you do it?
408
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:52,071
-Oh, I put out a few feelers.
-Yeah, and?
409
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,161
Does the name
General Zimmer's wife
mean anything to you?
410
00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:56,988
-Uh, no.
-No.
411
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,078
Well, it sure does
to Hugo Reneke.
412
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,210
He's got a skeleton
in his closet
413
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:04,387
and it's hanging right next
to Betty Zimmer's nightie.
414
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,128
[laughing]
415
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:09,000
So I called him up, said, "Betty
Zimmer sends her best."
416
00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,307
The next thing I knew,
he was sending us his best.
417
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,483
"The Moon Is Blue"
will be Frankenheimer's
418
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,485
first mail call
tomorrow morning.
419
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:18,358
[laughs] And I'll be
his first phone call.
420
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,360
Got it right here, Pierce.
421
00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,536
I don't know
how you guys did it.
You deserve a medal.
422
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:24,799
Just seeing that movie
will be thanks enough.
423
00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:26,801
Put it on a chopper and have
it here this afternoon.
424
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:29,630
Are you kidding?
I got a waiting
list a mile long.
425
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:32,502
And there's nobody lower
than two stars on it.
426
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:35,984
You promised if we
got our hands on it
you'd send it right over.
427
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:39,030
That's the movie business, babe.
Always a heartbreak.
428
00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:40,684
But to show you
I'm a sweetheart,
429
00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:42,556
I'm gonna send ya a
print of "State Fair."
430
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:45,211
It's a great flick.
You'll love it. Ciao, Doc.
431
00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:52,000
Boy, seeing that
picture sure would
432
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,045
make up for all
the heat we've got
433
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:56,178
and all the drinks we ain't.
434
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:59,703
-How 'bout if I throw
some rank around?
-No, forget it.
435
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:03,011
Birds, bars and clusters
mean nothing to this guy.
436
00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:05,100
He's strictly into
general delivery.
437
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,667
Too bad.
438
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:08,277
Till we lost the booze,
439
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:11,324
I never realized
how rotten the water is.
440
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,850
Well, I gotta make
my daily codeine call.
441
00:19:15,893 --> 00:19:19,114
Those phony pills are
giving me a real headache.
442
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,599
Speaking of pills,
why don't we go check
on our other patient?
443
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,688
Hey, I'm glad you called, Doc.
444
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:29,994
Remember that blind
date I told you about?
445
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:32,606
Well, a little while after
I took that pill you gave me,
446
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,999
I guess it started
to take effect.
447
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:39,003
I actually had
enough nerve to call her,
and she sounded real nice.
448
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,571
We're, uh, going out tonight.
449
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,530
Hey, that's great.
I knew you could do it.
450
00:19:43,573 --> 00:19:45,619
Listen, I got a
little favor to ask you.
451
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:48,491
Your boss is
sending us "State Fair."
452
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:52,060
All I want you to do
is switch the label
with "The Moon Is Blue."
453
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:54,454
Oh, sure.
Anything for you guys.
454
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:57,108
After all, those little
pills changed my life.
455
00:19:57,152 --> 00:20:00,721
Well, I'll tell you something.
You changed your life.
456
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,723
Those little white pills
were nothing.
457
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:06,074
They have no medicinal
value whatsoever.
It's all in your head.
458
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,469
You mean those guts
were my guts?
459
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:13,386
-Yes, yes. Exactly.
-Well, what do you know?
460
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,344
Have a good time
tonight, tiger.
461
00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,738
Boy, you think it's
hot around here now,
462
00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:19,783
wait'll that movie
gets here.
463
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:23,091
W-Wait a minute.
Those little white
pills you gave him...
464
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:26,399
-Are they the same little
white pills you gave me?
-Yes.
465
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:29,358
The ones with no
medicinal value whatsoever?
466
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:30,533
Whatsoever.
467
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:33,667
Well, thanks a
lot for nothing.
468
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:36,104
Klinger, it's all in your head.
Just don't be hot.
469
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:39,803
Don't be hot?
What do you think
I am, an idiot?
470
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,808
I can't wait.
471
00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:47,158
These people are expecting
quality, and they're gonna
get smut.
472
00:20:47,202 --> 00:20:49,073
Won't they be thrilled?
473
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:51,380
You boys'll be happy to hear
the codeine is on its way.
474
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,730
Terrific, Colonel.
How'd you pull that off?
475
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:56,777
Somebody stole the placebos
that were supposed to be
codeine.
476
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:59,562
Since I-Corps insisted
it was codeine to begin with...
477
00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:01,999
I told them
that's what was stolen.
478
00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,828
They said, "No problem.
We'll send you a new shipment
tomorrow morning."
479
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:07,962
Any idea who the thief was?
I'd love to shake his hand
and say thank you.
480
00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,921
-You're welcome.
-[laughing]
481
00:21:10,965 --> 00:21:13,837
Well, enough of business.
Now for some pleasure.
482
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:16,405
-Ah-ha.
-I think this movie
is gonna be more entertaining
483
00:21:16,449 --> 00:21:18,233
than you ever imagined.
484
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,975
And I think you boys
are in for a bigger treat
than you expect.
485
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:22,542
[clears throat]
486
00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:26,067
Uh, fellow movie buffs,
as we all know,
487
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:29,113
our scheduled movie
for tonight is "State Fair."
488
00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:33,030
However, thanks to the
efforts of General Rothaker
489
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:36,469
who put in a call to a certain
movie bigwig in Seoul,
490
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:39,907
we will not be seeing
"State Fair" tonight.
491
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:41,996
-[chattering]
-POTTER: Ah, no.
492
00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:45,782
But instead, he coaxed them
into sending us
493
00:21:45,826 --> 00:21:47,436
a piece of entertainment
494
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,222
of a rather
sophisticated nature.
495
00:21:51,266 --> 00:21:55,575
I give you "The Moon Is Blue."
Roll 'em.
496
00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:57,011
[applause]
497
00:21:57,054 --> 00:21:58,578
♪♪ [overture]
498
00:22:09,153 --> 00:22:12,722
♪ Our state fair is
a great state fair ♪
499
00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:16,596
♪ Don't miss it,
don't even be late ♪
500
00:22:16,639 --> 00:22:18,859
♪ It's dollars to donuts
501
00:22:18,902 --> 00:22:20,861
♪ That our State Fair
502
00:22:24,778 --> 00:22:26,562
MAN: Now you're sure
you don't mind coming.
503
00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:28,216
-WOMAN: Quite sure.
-MAN: No qualms.
504
00:22:28,259 --> 00:22:29,870
WOMAN:
Not a qualm in the world.
505
00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:32,916
And I'm not reflecting on your virility either.
506
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,354
Let's leave my virility
out of this.
507
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:36,920
WOMAN: I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
508
00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:38,661
You know, boys are so funny.
509
00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:41,011
They're not the least bit flattered to be trusted.
510
00:22:41,055 --> 00:22:45,320
Pardon me, lady.
But what makes you
trust him so implicitly?
511
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,627
I guess it sounds kind of corny,
512
00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:48,932
but I think
he's a man of honor.
513
00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:50,934
A girl can tell.
514
00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:53,633
I got three daughters.
I only hope they can tell too.
515
00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:55,591
Oh, thank you, mister.
516
00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:57,898
You know, for what
I learn on that trip,
517
00:22:57,941 --> 00:23:01,510
my psychiatrist would
charge me at least 25 bucks.
518
00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:05,514
-I'm so glad you don't mind.
-Mind what?
519
00:23:05,558 --> 00:23:08,735
Well, men are usually
so bored with virgins.
I'm so glad you're not.
520
00:23:11,477 --> 00:23:13,348
I'm outraged!
It's a disgrace.
521
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:16,220
I've never seen a cleaner
movie in my life.
522
00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:18,658
There was more filth and dirt
in this morning's breakfast.
523
00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:21,661
Well, one of the actors
did say "virgin."
524
00:23:21,704 --> 00:23:23,619
That's because
everyone was.
525
00:23:23,663 --> 00:23:25,447
♪♪
526
00:23:38,329 --> 00:23:40,375
♪♪ [theme]
41658
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