All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S11E08 - The Moon is Not Blue (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:04,134 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:57,622 Don't you love this? Hot chili in the middle of a heat wave. 3 00:00:57,666 --> 00:01:00,408 Quit your griping. This steam table's like a sauna. 4 00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:02,410 Then you oughta serve Swedish meatballs. 5 00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:03,933 [tapping on metal] 6 00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:06,066 Ears front, fellow sweaters. 7 00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:09,895 Tonight when the mercury dips into the breezy 90s 8 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,854 "Watch America's fighting men 9 00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:14,465 as they march across Africa's scorching desert sands"-- 10 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,467 Again with this? 11 00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,035 -"...and right into your hearts in"-- -"Sahara!" 12 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,471 Hey, that's showbiz. 13 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,082 Klinger, if you're gonna give us heat and war, 14 00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,866 at least make it new heat and war. 15 00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:25,433 You're talking to the wrong lackey. 16 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,652 I just show whatever Special Services sends me. 17 00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:30,220 -Maybe Bannister can help you. -B.J.: Bannister? 18 00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:33,397 -He's the movie courier. -Come on. Let's go be film critics. 19 00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:34,703 [chuckles] 20 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,880 -Bannister, huh? -Uh-huh. 21 00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,577 I'm Hunnicutt. He's Pierce. We're doctors. 22 00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,318 Your movies are making us sick. 23 00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:42,885 Gee, I'm awfully sorry, but I have nothing to say 24 00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:44,321 about the movies. 25 00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:46,541 I just bring 'em. I'm still sorry. 26 00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,630 Who's the manager of the Korean theater? 27 00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:51,720 -Oh, you mean Major Frankenheimer. -Frankenheimer. 28 00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:54,070 Frankenheimer. Head of Special Services in Seoul. 29 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,898 He makes all the selections. 30 00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,074 Yeah, well tell him if he sends us "Sahara" one more time, 31 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,120 the audience will be lobbing grenades. 32 00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:02,383 -Hey? Hey? -I'll see what I can do, 33 00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:04,298 but, uh, don't expect anything to change. 34 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:06,517 Excuse me. Uh, we're out of milk. 35 00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:08,040 Is there anything left in your pitcher? 36 00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,999 -Huh? -Right there. The pitcher. 37 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:13,089 -Can we have your milk? -That's milk. 38 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,570 Oh, well. I guess that'll have to do then. 39 00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,400 -Thank you. -What? 40 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,576 -For the milk. -[whispers] Yeah. 41 00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:24,187 Is something wrong? 42 00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,189 Why, does it show? 43 00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,191 We're all sweating, but you look like you're drowning. 44 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,019 Oh, it's nothing. It's nothing. 45 00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:32,717 Hey. Doctors, remember? You can tell us. 46 00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,676 [coughs] It's, uh, women. 47 00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:36,199 -Huh? -Hmm? 48 00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:39,115 Women. Women. I get nervous around 'em. 49 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,769 Gee, that's too bad. They're everywhere. 50 00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,945 Yeah, well, that's why I joined the army. 51 00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:44,816 I figured I wouldn't have to deal with it, 52 00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:47,210 but, uh, I never counted on nurses. 53 00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,430 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded. 54 00:02:49,473 --> 00:02:51,432 Out of the frying pan and into the O.R. 55 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,347 Now, that's what makes me nervous. 56 00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:58,787 How's General Rothaker coming along? 57 00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:00,136 Still a little groggy. 58 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,529 But he should be up and saving the world 59 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:02,965 from peace in no time. 60 00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:05,141 Save the needles for O.R. I hope I look okay. 61 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,056 I gotta go pay my respects to him. 62 00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:08,884 You look great. 63 00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:12,061 Those incompetents. Those fools. Those dunderheads. 64 00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:14,063 -Which dunderheads are you talking about? -I-Corps. 65 00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:15,369 Oh, the head dunderheads. 66 00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,240 We ordered a case of codeine, and look 67 00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:18,763 what they've sent us... placebos. 68 00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:21,244 -Oh. Pills that do nothing. -Useless. 69 00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:24,073 -How much codeine do we have on hand? -About a week's worth. 70 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,815 -I'll tell the colonel as soon as he's free. -Thank you. 71 00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,991 -Too bad they don't use placebo bullets. -Yes. 72 00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:31,167 -Let the soldiers just think they're dead. -Mm-hmm. 73 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,648 This is the first MASH I've ever toured on my back. 74 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:36,564 -You people do good work. -Thanks, General. 75 00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:38,653 One thing, though. 76 00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:40,481 When they brought me into the compound, 77 00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,483 the corpsman had beer on his breath. 78 00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,615 Well, once in a while, 79 00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,226 the men like to have a tall cold one, 80 00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:48,315 especially in this heat. [chuckles] 81 00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:51,361 But no one in my command works a medical shift 82 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,276 in an impaired condition. 83 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,235 I'm not doubting it. 84 00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:58,238 But you do have your own speakeasy here, don't ya? 85 00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:02,024 Well, we do have a kind of a social club. 86 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,331 Mmm. And this social club, 87 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:08,160 is it operated by authorized Special Services personnel? 88 00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:11,163 Well, technically speaking, it is not... 89 00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:14,515 Then technically speaking, what is it doing there? 90 00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:17,039 Well, now, General, we both know the best way 91 00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:19,084 to blow off steam is with a wet whistle. 92 00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,869 I don't know that at all. 93 00:04:20,912 --> 00:04:24,525 I don't want to smell any more booze on anybody's breath. 94 00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:28,485 As of now, any bars or alcohol in this area 95 00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,226 are strictly off-limits. 96 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:33,882 -But, General... -Colonel, this MASH is dry. 97 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:37,277 That's an order. And I expect you to carry it out. 98 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,669 Yes, sir. 99 00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:48,113 ♪♪ [movie soundtrack] 100 00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,513 MAN: There they are, Stegman, coming over the hills. 101 00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:57,601 MAN 2: Yes, sir. I see them. 102 00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,346 [gunfire in movie] 103 00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:07,176 ♪♪ [jukebox] 104 00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:10,527 There's no end to this furnace. 105 00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,660 Baste me once before I die. 106 00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:16,185 Didn't you inherit the heat-resistant blood of your forefathers? 107 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,188 They cut my family out of the will when we moved to Ohio. 108 00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,277 C'mon, there must be something you can do. 109 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,800 Take two ice cubes and call me in the morning. 110 00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,976 Very funny. You'll be laughing at my funeral. 111 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,630 I tell you, I'm gonna die. 112 00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:30,373 Courage, Camille. I think I got something for you. 113 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:33,507 This is a brand-new, top-secret experimental drug. 114 00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:36,423 It keeps the body at a constant comfortable temperature 115 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:37,946 no matter what the weather's like. 116 00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:39,643 Gimme one. 117 00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:41,166 Gimme one, and I'll give ya anything you want. 118 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:44,344 Just keep it a secret. Now only take one a day. 119 00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:46,433 -You don't wanna get pneumonia. -Thank you. 120 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,260 Thank you. 121 00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,003 Tell me, Dr. Cronkite... 122 00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,136 comes winter, do you have something that will keep me warm? 123 00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,573 -Ah, I just gave him a placebo. -Really? 124 00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:59,837 -And it's working already. It cured us of him. -[laughs] 125 00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:02,318 Folks, could I have your attention for a moment, please? 126 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:05,800 -The next round of drinks is on me. -[cheering] 127 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,019 That's because it's also the last round. 128 00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:11,371 The 4077th from now on is on the wagon. 129 00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:13,460 -MAN: On the wagon? -[chattering] 130 00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:15,505 I don't like it much myself, 131 00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:18,769 but these orders came straight from General Rothaker. 132 00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:21,424 And unfortunately, he's got the regs 133 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,078 and two stars on his side. 134 00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:27,299 So this is how it is. No booze on base. 135 00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:30,128 -What's the big deal? We'll all go to Rosie's. -[chattering] 136 00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:33,654 Sorry, folks. Rosie's bar and any other off-campus dives 137 00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:35,743 you can think of are off-limits. 138 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:41,096 So my advice for now is drink that final one real slow. 139 00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,924 It's gotta last ya. 140 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,274 [groaning] 141 00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,842 The only good thing about being here 142 00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:50,497 is that we're able to drink and forget we're here. 143 00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:54,283 Uh, we still have the still. 144 00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:58,026 Oh. Shall we take a stroll by the light of the silvery moonshine? 145 00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,506 [chuckles] 146 00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:02,422 [Hawkeye whistling] 147 00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:06,034 Mmm. I'm gonna go in there and pour my heart out. 148 00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:08,384 I'll drink to that. 149 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,039 No, you won't. It's gone. 150 00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:12,519 Damn it. 151 00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:16,392 Wait. They left a ransom note. 152 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,568 "Sorry, boys, but I've had to impound your hoochmobile 153 00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,875 "for the duration of Rothaker's stay. 154 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,877 Reluctantly, Colonel Potter." 155 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,618 Lousy revenuers. 156 00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:26,315 -Gentlemen. -Quiet, Charles. 157 00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:27,664 I'm looking for the liquor ads. 158 00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,927 I thought you went to see "Sahara" tonight. 159 00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:32,582 Indeed, I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke, 160 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:34,062 which was about two seconds 161 00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,237 after I ripped it from the projector. 162 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,239 And I would have been here sooner 163 00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:40,503 but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience. 164 00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:44,333 My, my. What has become of your wino's erector set? 165 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,901 Potter took it. Rothaker has declared prohibition. 166 00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,511 Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. 167 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,992 "Blue movie banned in Boston." 168 00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:53,081 -What? -"'The Moon is Blue,' 169 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,735 starring David Niven, William Holden 170 00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:55,910 and Maggie McNamara 171 00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:57,999 has been banned from local theaters 172 00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,914 due to its suggestive nature." 173 00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,481 Philistines. They said the same thing 174 00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:03,526 about "Babette Meets the Fleet." 175 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,920 Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos 176 00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:08,836 bear in mind, Boston would have banned "Pinocchio." 177 00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:10,577 "The Otto Preminger film failed to receive 178 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:12,840 a production code seal of approval 179 00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:18,280 when he refused to delete sexually explicit scenes and dialogue." 180 00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:20,500 -This is a work of art. -Sexually explicit scenes. 181 00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,806 -And dialogue. -We've gotta see this. 182 00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:24,199 What's the name of that guy 183 00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:25,722 in Special Services Bannister works for? 184 00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,550 -Uh, Frankenheimer. -Frankenheimer! 185 00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:29,073 We gotta call him first thing in the morning and get this movie. 186 00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:33,687 -Sexually explicit scenes! -And dialogue! 187 00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,993 -Yeah. Oh... Okay. -What? What? 188 00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:38,909 Well, Bannister did everything he could, but it's no-go. 189 00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:41,564 Frankenheimer's not taking calls from anybody but top brass. 190 00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:42,826 Why don't we forget the movie 191 00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:44,132 and just have a sweating contest? 192 00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:46,656 Hi, guys. Nice day, isn't it? 193 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,484 Will you look at him? He's "sheveled." 194 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,268 Klinger, have you been seeing an air conditioner 195 00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:51,313 behind our backs? 196 00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:52,662 No need to, Doc. 197 00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:53,750 Thanks to those pills you gave me, 198 00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,491 I'm cool as a cucumber. 199 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,188 I'm going for some coffee. Can I get you a cup? 200 00:08:57,232 --> 00:09:00,061 -Coffee? -What are you, crazy? 201 00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,411 Looks like I've discovered the cure for the common hot. 202 00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,065 I wish you'd never told me those pills weren't real. 203 00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,763 I'd be taking one with my coffee. 204 00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:12,029 -Hi, kid. -Hi. What do you got there? 205 00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:14,379 "Sahara." We're bringing it back to Major Frankenheimer. 206 00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:15,990 We wanted to deliver it to him personally, 207 00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,426 to make sure nothing happened to it. 208 00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:18,993 Oh, hey, you guys can't go in there. 209 00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:21,082 Oh, perfect. Can you say that again, louder? 210 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:23,040 -Huh? -Trust us. Just do it. 211 00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,999 Hey, you guys can't go in there. 212 00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:27,697 -Louder. -Hey, you guys can't go in there! 213 00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,525 See? Now you're off the hook. 214 00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:40,754 -Close the door. -This looks like Busby Berkeley's dressing room. 215 00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,886 -What's goin' on? -We're returning your movie. 216 00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,323 The characters are interesting, but the story's a little choppy. 217 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,108 Who are you guys? 218 00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:49,371 Hunnicutt and Pierce, the doctors who killed vaudeville. 219 00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:51,503 We're from the 4077th MASH, 220 00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:54,506 your favorite dumping ground for all the movies you love to hate. 221 00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:57,509 -Wait a minute. Why am I shivering? -Because it's not hot. 222 00:09:57,553 --> 00:10:01,513 Hey! How do you rate an air conditioner? 223 00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:02,906 'Cause I store film here. 224 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:04,647 You gotta keep this stuff cool, babe. 225 00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:07,519 Hold it. You're not a general or a producer. 226 00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:08,956 I don't have to answer your questions. 227 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,653 Well, allow us just one. 228 00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,350 Why do you keep sending us the same old movies? 229 00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,961 What are you talkin' about? 230 00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:16,398 I send you medicos the finest product available. 231 00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:18,226 [buzzing] 232 00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:21,882 What do you want? 233 00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,884 Well, why didn't you say so? 234 00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:28,236 General Madsen, how are ya? 235 00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:30,891 [chuckles] "High Noon." Yes, sir. 236 00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:34,068 I got a print of that. Saving it just for you. 237 00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,722 [chuckling] Uh-huh. 238 00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,898 You and the senator will love it. 239 00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:41,728 Let's have lunch some time. Ciao. 240 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:46,210 So, us medicos get the best product available, huh? 241 00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:48,125 All right, all right. 242 00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:49,605 But you guys work the front lines. 243 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,128 Nobody up there's on my A-list. 244 00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,826 Frankenheimer, let's talk turkey. 245 00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:55,176 And believe me, you've made us authorities on that subject. 246 00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,439 But you can make up for it in one fell swoop. 247 00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,049 We want a movie called "The Moon Is Blue." 248 00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,747 [laughs] Are you kidding? 249 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,400 That's the hottest property in the Far East. 250 00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,315 I know. I know. That's why we want it. 251 00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,448 Forget about it. No chance. 252 00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:08,755 Will you guys beat it? You're startin' to bother me. 253 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,582 All right, all right. 254 00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,367 Let's throw away the script and ad-lib a little, huh? 255 00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:14,586 What's that supposed to mean? 256 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:16,980 Well, suppose you turned away for a minute to, say, 257 00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,373 uh, adjust the air conditioner 258 00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:20,070 and then when you turned back, 259 00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,985 right there on your desk were two $20 bills. 260 00:11:22,029 --> 00:11:23,160 Make it a 20 and a 10. 261 00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:24,684 Would that take care of the handling 262 00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:26,686 and delivery charges for "The Moon Is Blue?" 263 00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,905 I am appalled. 264 00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:32,517 Nay, offended, that you would even make such an offer. 265 00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:35,390 -Hey, no offense. -We weren't trying to bribe you. 266 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,740 I'll say you weren't. That kinda money wouldn't 267 00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:39,742 get ya my Hoover Dam vacation movies. 268 00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:42,658 -Well, what would it take? -A miracle. 269 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,792 Hugo Reneke, my distributor in Tokyo, 270 00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:48,490 he's got that film booked out for the next two wars. 271 00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,710 -Can't you talk to him? -I'd love to. 272 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,625 The phony little creep won't take my calls. 273 00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:57,281 -What if we can get to him? -Fine. Fine. You do that. 274 00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:59,457 You have him ship the movie to me 275 00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,156 and the same day, I'll ship it out to you. 276 00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:05,072 And while you're at it, ask him for the Mona Lisa. 277 00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:06,987 Now, will you guys please get outta here? 278 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,032 I have things to do. 279 00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,121 -We don't want to use up too much of your cool air. -Out. 280 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,470 Does this mean we're not having lunch, babe? 281 00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:13,689 -Out. -Fine. 282 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,343 We sure put him in his place. 283 00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:17,258 Which is a lot cooler than this place. 284 00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,782 Welcome back to the tropics. Any luck in there? 285 00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:21,566 Ah, he gave us the cold shoulder. 286 00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:24,439 I gotta admit, it was nice while it lasted. 287 00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,180 Bannister, are you all right? 288 00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:28,791 Relax, pal. Frankenheimer didn't blame you. 289 00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,967 Oh, that's not it. I just got off the phone 290 00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:33,317 with a friend of mine who fixed me up with a date. 291 00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:35,667 -Yeah? -With a girl. 292 00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:37,191 Now I gotta call her. 293 00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,671 -Terrific. -Oh, you gotta be kidding. 294 00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,978 I can't take her out. I can't even call her 295 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,458 to tell her I can't take her out. 296 00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,286 I'm pathetic. 297 00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:47,941 No, you're not. You're just a little shy, that's all. 298 00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:51,422 A little? Oh, come on, Doc. This is like a disease. 299 00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:53,860 -Disease, huh? -You know, Bannister, 300 00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,209 it's funny you should mention that. 301 00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,472 One of these can give you more confidence 302 00:12:57,515 --> 00:12:59,561 than all the deodorants ever produced. 303 00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:01,606 Oh. Sounds good to me. 304 00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,304 Take it easy with those things. They're very potent. 305 00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:04,871 We don't want to turn you into an egomaniac. 306 00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:06,786 Yeah. I took two yesterday, and now I'm so terrific, 307 00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,178 I can hardly stand myself. 308 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:16,970 [exhales] 309 00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:21,844 B-5. That's "B," as in blessed, 5. 310 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,586 Rats. All I need is B-4. 311 00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:26,675 I'm sorry to bother you, Colonel, 312 00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:29,591 but we're down to a three-day supply of codeine. 313 00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:31,767 When is I-Corps gonna replace those sugar pills? 314 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,377 I called them this morning. 315 00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:36,076 According to their records, they sent us codeine. 316 00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:38,339 I told them we got sugar pills instead. 317 00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:41,516 I even sang them a few choruses of the four-letter serenade. 318 00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,431 They still say it's codeine. 319 00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:46,521 "O," as in Old Testament... 320 00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:48,479 63. 321 00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:51,004 -Monkey muffins! -Are we gonna get it? 322 00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,180 Don't worry. I'll call again tomorrow. 323 00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,399 I'll keep calling 'em until I get results. 324 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,053 I hope you can work it out, sir. 325 00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,533 Not much I can do. 326 00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:00,230 It's a game of luck. Come on, B-4. 327 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:03,059 "N," as in Nebuchadnezzar... 328 00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:04,931 38. 329 00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,499 What do you think you're doing? 330 00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,501 I'm marking my card. I have N-38. 331 00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,547 That may very well be your number... 332 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,550 but that is my bean. 333 00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:19,423 Well, pardon me, sir, but I don't see your name on it. 334 00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:24,341 No. No. Nevertheless, it came from my side of the pile. 335 00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:25,908 Major, all the beans are the same. 336 00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,258 No. No. Let me show you the difference. 337 00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,260 These are your beans. 338 00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:32,959 These are my beans. 339 00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:35,918 Okay. Okay. Excuse me for living. 340 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,965 There is no excuse for your living. 341 00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,923 Those are my beans! 342 00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,317 Looks to me, Major, like somewhere out there... 343 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,015 is a butterfly net with your name on it. 344 00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:49,062 Well, what do you expect? It's 150 degrees in here. 345 00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:52,021 I haven't had anything refreshing to eat or drink for over a week. 346 00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:55,155 Besides which, those are my beans. [mutters] 347 00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:59,942 You're perfectly right. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. 348 00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:05,600 Effective immediately, those are Major Winchester's beans. 349 00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,994 CHARLES: Thank you. 350 00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,910 Told ya! Poor slob's crazed from the heat. 351 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:14,174 -It's all yours, Padre. -Thank you, Colonel. 352 00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,614 "B," as in Bathsheba... 353 00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:22,617 -14. -Bingo! 354 00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:24,401 Damn Sam! 355 00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:27,622 -[crowd murmuring] -I think we ought to take five. 356 00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:32,540 We have fruit punch and, uh, assorted nuts. 357 00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:36,631 KLINGER: Okay. Let's play bingo. 358 00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,895 Klinger, how can you dress like that on a day like this? 359 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,853 Don't worry, sir. I know you want to keep the lid on this. 360 00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:44,073 I haven't told a soul about these little white miracle pills 361 00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,641 -that Captain Pierce has been working on. -Pierce, huh? 362 00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,643 Well, I wanna be the first to tell you that it works. 363 00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:51,385 Here I stand, a guinea pig that isn't sweating like one. 364 00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,691 I think I'd better have a little confab with your 365 00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:56,390 family physician as soon as he returns. 366 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:59,262 -Is there something I should know, sir? -Not really, you lucky devil. 367 00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:02,309 The less you know, the better. 368 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,057 Home is where the heat is. 369 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,842 -Evening, gents. -Hi, Colonel. How 'bout this weather? 370 00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:15,975 It's hot, especially under my collar. 371 00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,499 Where do you get off passing out those placebos? 372 00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,805 Well, I figured what Klinger didn't know would help him. 373 00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,025 Look, the only way I'm gonna get real codeine 374 00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:26,637 is if I can show them that what they sent us is placebos. 375 00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:29,379 And I can't do that if Klinger keeps gulping them down. 376 00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:32,687 As of now, the pharmacy is closed! 377 00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:37,735 Looks like the only draft around here 378 00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:39,563 is coming out of Klinger's mouth. 379 00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,217 Nothing keeps in this weather, especially a secret. 380 00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,002 Wait a minute, sirs. I need to talk to you. 381 00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,525 Klinger, about those pills... 382 00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:48,007 -Shh. That's a secret. -Oh. Sorry. Sorry. 383 00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,618 That's why I wanted to see you. I needed some more. 384 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,489 More. Look, Klinger... 385 00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:55,492 I just took my last one, and I wanna thank you. They saved my life. 386 00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,799 Look at me. I'm a human being again. 387 00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,148 You guys are terrific. 388 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,803 Yeah. Well, see, further research has revealed 389 00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:04,066 that one pill lasts for a whole week. 390 00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:06,329 Gee, I... I've taken four. 391 00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:08,331 -You mean I'm safe for a month? -Exactly. 392 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:11,987 Gee, that's great. How'd it go with Frankenheimer? 393 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,120 It didn't. He's just a middleman. 394 00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:15,512 The only guy who can get his hands on 395 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,558 that film is some distributor in Tokyo. 396 00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:20,343 Well, you can't quit now. What's his name? 397 00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:23,390 Hugo Reneke. What difference does it make? 398 00:17:23,433 --> 00:17:25,522 Look. I owe you guys a favor. 399 00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:28,873 Let me make a few calls to the underground clerks' network. 400 00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,745 I'm sure whoever this guy is, 401 00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,747 he's got a back that can be scratched. 402 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:36,533 Scratch away. 403 00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,578 Captain. 404 00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:41,886 Captain, we're in business. Show business. 405 00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,193 -What are you talking about? -"The Moon Is Blue." 406 00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:47,109 -We're getting "The Moon Is Blue." -Oh, that's terrific. 407 00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,719 You got to Reneke? How'd you do it? 408 00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:52,071 -Oh, I put out a few feelers. -Yeah, and? 409 00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,161 Does the name General Zimmer's wife mean anything to you? 410 00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:56,988 -Uh, no. -No. 411 00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,078 Well, it sure does to Hugo Reneke. 412 00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,210 He's got a skeleton in his closet 413 00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:04,387 and it's hanging right next to Betty Zimmer's nightie. 414 00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,128 [laughing] 415 00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:09,000 So I called him up, said, "Betty Zimmer sends her best." 416 00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,307 The next thing I knew, he was sending us his best. 417 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,483 "The Moon Is Blue" will be Frankenheimer's 418 00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,485 first mail call tomorrow morning. 419 00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:18,358 [laughs] And I'll be his first phone call. 420 00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,360 Got it right here, Pierce. 421 00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,536 I don't know how you guys did it. You deserve a medal. 422 00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:24,799 Just seeing that movie will be thanks enough. 423 00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:26,801 Put it on a chopper and have it here this afternoon. 424 00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:29,630 Are you kidding? I got a waiting list a mile long. 425 00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:32,502 And there's nobody lower than two stars on it. 426 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:35,984 You promised if we got our hands on it you'd send it right over. 427 00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:39,030 That's the movie business, babe. Always a heartbreak. 428 00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:40,684 But to show you I'm a sweetheart, 429 00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:42,556 I'm gonna send ya a print of "State Fair." 430 00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:45,211 It's a great flick. You'll love it. Ciao, Doc. 431 00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:52,000 Boy, seeing that picture sure would 432 00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,045 make up for all the heat we've got 433 00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:56,178 and all the drinks we ain't. 434 00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:59,703 -How 'bout if I throw some rank around? -No, forget it. 435 00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:03,011 Birds, bars and clusters mean nothing to this guy. 436 00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:05,100 He's strictly into general delivery. 437 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,667 Too bad. 438 00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:08,277 Till we lost the booze, 439 00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:11,324 I never realized how rotten the water is. 440 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,850 Well, I gotta make my daily codeine call. 441 00:19:15,893 --> 00:19:19,114 Those phony pills are giving me a real headache. 442 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,599 Speaking of pills, why don't we go check on our other patient? 443 00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,688 Hey, I'm glad you called, Doc. 444 00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:29,994 Remember that blind date I told you about? 445 00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:32,606 Well, a little while after I took that pill you gave me, 446 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,999 I guess it started to take effect. 447 00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:39,003 I actually had enough nerve to call her, and she sounded real nice. 448 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,571 We're, uh, going out tonight. 449 00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,530 Hey, that's great. I knew you could do it. 450 00:19:43,573 --> 00:19:45,619 Listen, I got a little favor to ask you. 451 00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:48,491 Your boss is sending us "State Fair." 452 00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:52,060 All I want you to do is switch the label with "The Moon Is Blue." 453 00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:54,454 Oh, sure. Anything for you guys. 454 00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:57,108 After all, those little pills changed my life. 455 00:19:57,152 --> 00:20:00,721 Well, I'll tell you something. You changed your life. 456 00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,723 Those little white pills were nothing. 457 00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:06,074 They have no medicinal value whatsoever. It's all in your head. 458 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,469 You mean those guts were my guts? 459 00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:13,386 -Yes, yes. Exactly. -Well, what do you know? 460 00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,344 Have a good time tonight, tiger. 461 00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,738 Boy, you think it's hot around here now, 462 00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:19,783 wait'll that movie gets here. 463 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:23,091 W-Wait a minute. Those little white pills you gave him... 464 00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:26,399 -Are they the same little white pills you gave me? -Yes. 465 00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:29,358 The ones with no medicinal value whatsoever? 466 00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:30,533 Whatsoever. 467 00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:33,667 Well, thanks a lot for nothing. 468 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:36,104 Klinger, it's all in your head. Just don't be hot. 469 00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:39,803 Don't be hot? What do you think I am, an idiot? 470 00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,808 I can't wait. 471 00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:47,158 These people are expecting quality, and they're gonna get smut. 472 00:20:47,202 --> 00:20:49,073 Won't they be thrilled? 473 00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:51,380 You boys'll be happy to hear the codeine is on its way. 474 00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,730 Terrific, Colonel. How'd you pull that off? 475 00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:56,777 Somebody stole the placebos that were supposed to be codeine. 476 00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:59,562 Since I-Corps insisted it was codeine to begin with... 477 00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:01,999 I told them that's what was stolen. 478 00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,828 They said, "No problem. We'll send you a new shipment tomorrow morning." 479 00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:07,962 Any idea who the thief was? I'd love to shake his hand and say thank you. 480 00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,921 -You're welcome. -[laughing] 481 00:21:10,965 --> 00:21:13,837 Well, enough of business. Now for some pleasure. 482 00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:16,405 -Ah-ha. -I think this movie is gonna be more entertaining 483 00:21:16,449 --> 00:21:18,233 than you ever imagined. 484 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,975 And I think you boys are in for a bigger treat than you expect. 485 00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:22,542 [clears throat] 486 00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:26,067 Uh, fellow movie buffs, as we all know, 487 00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:29,113 our scheduled movie for tonight is "State Fair." 488 00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:33,030 However, thanks to the efforts of General Rothaker 489 00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:36,469 who put in a call to a certain movie bigwig in Seoul, 490 00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:39,907 we will not be seeing "State Fair" tonight. 491 00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:41,996 -[chattering] -POTTER: Ah, no. 492 00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:45,782 But instead, he coaxed them into sending us 493 00:21:45,826 --> 00:21:47,436 a piece of entertainment 494 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,222 of a rather sophisticated nature. 495 00:21:51,266 --> 00:21:55,575 I give you "The Moon Is Blue." Roll 'em. 496 00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:57,011 [applause] 497 00:21:57,054 --> 00:21:58,578 ♪♪ [overture] 498 00:22:09,153 --> 00:22:12,722 ♪ Our state fair is a great state fair ♪ 499 00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:16,596 ♪ Don't miss it, don't even be late ♪ 500 00:22:16,639 --> 00:22:18,859 ♪ It's dollars to donuts 501 00:22:18,902 --> 00:22:20,861 ♪ That our State Fair 502 00:22:24,778 --> 00:22:26,562 MAN: Now you're sure you don't mind coming. 503 00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:28,216 -WOMAN: Quite sure. -MAN: No qualms. 504 00:22:28,259 --> 00:22:29,870 WOMAN: Not a qualm in the world. 505 00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:32,916 And I'm not reflecting on your virility either. 506 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,354 Let's leave my virility out of this. 507 00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:36,920 WOMAN: I just didn't want to hurt your feelings. 508 00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:38,661 You know, boys are so funny. 509 00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:41,011 They're not the least bit flattered to be trusted. 510 00:22:41,055 --> 00:22:45,320 Pardon me, lady. But what makes you trust him so implicitly? 511 00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,627 I guess it sounds kind of corny, 512 00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:48,932 but I think he's a man of honor. 513 00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:50,934 A girl can tell. 514 00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:53,633 I got three daughters. I only hope they can tell too. 515 00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:55,591 Oh, thank you, mister. 516 00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:57,898 You know, for what I learn on that trip, 517 00:22:57,941 --> 00:23:01,510 my psychiatrist would charge me at least 25 bucks. 518 00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:05,514 -I'm so glad you don't mind. -Mind what? 519 00:23:05,558 --> 00:23:08,735 Well, men are usually so bored with virgins. I'm so glad you're not. 520 00:23:11,477 --> 00:23:13,348 I'm outraged! It's a disgrace. 521 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:16,220 I've never seen a cleaner movie in my life. 522 00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:18,658 There was more filth and dirt in this morning's breakfast. 523 00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:21,661 Well, one of the actors did say "virgin." 524 00:23:21,704 --> 00:23:23,619 That's because everyone was. 525 00:23:23,663 --> 00:23:25,447 ♪♪ 526 00:23:38,329 --> 00:23:40,375 ♪♪ [theme] 41658

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