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♪♪ [theme]
2
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KLINGER: Is this
stuff for sale,
3
00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:00,364
or are ya just takin'
your knickknacks for a walk?
4
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:03,280
Everything for sale.
Give up farm.
5
00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:06,544
-Must move south to city.
-Hey, look, it's
a Fuller junk man.
6
00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:08,633
Do you have anything
in a dishonorable discharge,
7
00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:09,852
size 40 regular?
8
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,375
KLINGER: Hey, is this
goat for sale?
9
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:13,682
Yes. Need money for city.
10
00:01:13,725 --> 00:01:16,250
Besides, it's so hard to find
an apartment that'll take kids.
11
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:20,167
-How much?
-Goat very valuable.
12
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,169
Twenty-five dollars.
13
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,867
Could either of you
guys loan me $25?
14
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:26,956
-What, are you crazy?
-Hey...
15
00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:29,219
this is an investment
in dairy futures.
16
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:32,657
You realize what people
around here would
pay for fresh milk?
17
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:35,660
Come on. Tomorrow's payday.
Twenty-five bucks for 24 hours.
18
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:37,880
All right, I'll let you have
15, but I get the first glass.
19
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,186
I'll go 10
for seconds.
20
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:43,581
Here you go.
Come to papa.
21
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:46,976
[chuckles] I'm gonna milk
you for all you're worth.
22
00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:48,412
Come on, baby.
Come on.
23
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:50,675
This is gonna be a fantastic
business arrangement.
24
00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,329
Good mornin', boys.
How're you doin', Pierce?
25
00:01:52,373 --> 00:01:54,375
-Just fine, Colonel.
-I get the feeling...
26
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,942
you haven't read the bulletin
board the last few days.
27
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:59,293
I'm waiting for
the movie to come out.
Now, how do you know?
28
00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:01,425
'Cause you haven't come
screaming to me.
29
00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:03,775
-Why would I come
screaming to you?
-Because there's a notice
30
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,908
that says it's your turn
to be paymaster.
31
00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:09,041
-I don't wanna be paymaster!
-That's more like it.
32
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,696
Aw, come on. I've already
done that once this war.
33
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,307
I like a man with experience.
34
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,396
Hawk, old buddy,
can I have a raise?
35
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:18,138
Very funny. I got
better things to do
36
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,574
than go to I-Corps
at the crack of dawn
37
00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:20,923
and then spend the rest
of the day doling out
38
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,186
money to a pack of
drooling soldiers.
39
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:26,015
And I got better things
to do than stand here
and argue with you.
40
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:28,713
See you tomorrow,
doughboy.
41
00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:30,150
That does it.
42
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:32,239
When this war is over,
I'm going home.
43
00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,154
Uh, Colonel...
44
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:37,157
Well, what have we here?
Woolworth on wheels.
45
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,941
Actually, some of
this stuff's not so bad.
46
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:40,247
I think Peg might
like this vase.
47
00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:41,683
-How much is this?
-Five dollars.
48
00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:43,424
-Here, hold this, will ya?
-Yes...
49
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:46,992
Five dollars, huh?
Oh, I've only got three.
50
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:49,734
Well, if that's all
you've got...
51
00:02:49,778 --> 00:02:51,475
I'll give you 10 for it.
52
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,477
Ten beats three anytime.
You got it.
53
00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,871
Well, thanks a lot, Charles.
54
00:02:55,914 --> 00:03:00,223
Oh, dear. I, uh... I seem to
be temporarily out of cash.
55
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,051
I'll gladly pay you
the 10 tomorrow.
56
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:06,055
Must leave today.
Three dollars in hand
beats your $10.
57
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:09,232
Uh, would it be worth
staying a day for, say, $50?
58
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:11,974
-Fifty?
-Okay.
59
00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:14,324
Fifty dollar
buys you one day.
60
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:17,414
Very well.
See you on the morrow.
61
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,939
And thank you.
62
00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:22,985
Charles, what the hell is this?
You saw that I wanted that vase.
63
00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:27,337
Nothing personal, Hunnicutt.
I just think it's, uh, cute.
64
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:31,341
Fresh milk here. Spend your
fresh money on fresh milk.
65
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:33,387
Why take a powder when
you can get the real thing?
66
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,954
Next. Name.
67
00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:38,218
Captain Pierce.
68
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:42,396
Not my name.
Your name, Rizzo.
69
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,615
If you know my name,
what'd you ask me for?
70
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:47,052
[sighs] All right.
Rizzo. Rizzo.
71
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,490
Come on, Pierce!
Do you work at being slow?
72
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:52,493
-Yeah, this is taking forever.
-[clamoring]
73
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:55,409
All right! All right. All right.
I'm doing the best I can.
74
00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:58,412
-"Rizzo, Sergeant Luther."
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
75
00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:01,545
-162. Here.
-Mm-hmm.
76
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:04,331
-Count that back to me.
-[muttering]
77
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:07,116
[clears throat]
Five.
78
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,770
Ten.
79
00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,815
Fresh milk!
Fresh milk!
80
00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:12,426
Spend your fresh money
on fresh milk.
81
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,341
Hold on.
[clears throat]
82
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:17,953
-Five. Ten.
-[helicopters arriving]
83
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,650
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention.
Attention, all personnel.
84
00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:21,826
Wounded coming in.
85
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,741
-Time to start
earning that big money.
-That's it!
86
00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,091
Everybody who hasn't
got your money,
reassemble here after O.R.
87
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:29,094
Sign that. Klinger,
put that in the safe.
88
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:31,183
-Five. Ten.
-Excuse me.
89
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,667
-Okay.
-Hi, there.
90
00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:38,408
Is this table all right?
Or would you prefer
91
00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:40,584
something a little closer
to the piano bar?
92
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:41,977
I hope you're a good doctor.
93
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,848
Hey, don't worry about a thing.
94
00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:45,850
When I was in med school,
I was always first in my class.
95
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:47,330
Of course, I lived
right next door.
96
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,506
Klinger, I'll need
another unit of whole blood.
97
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:52,379
-Right away, sir.
-Klinger, did you put
the money in the safe?
98
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,163
I didn't wanna bother
the colonel in triage.
99
00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,252
He's the only one who
knows the combination.
100
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,516
And no one's gonna find out.
It's Mildred's measurements.
101
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,563
But don't worry, sir.
I locked all that money
in a safe place.
102
00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:04,304
All the flights to
Rio were booked, huh?
103
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:09,221
Metz, please.
Thank you, Margaret.
104
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:12,312
You're doing
your usual fine job.
105
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,836
That's the third compliment
you've given me today, Major.
106
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:17,360
As a matter of fact,
that's the third compliment
you've ever given me.
107
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,623
Well, I must try to
remedy that in the future.
108
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,408
Well, if it's money you want,
I haven't been paid yet.
109
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,931
[laughs]
110
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,367
Money is hardly
a problem for me.
111
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,674
An elective course I once
took in Oriental art
112
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:29,154
is about to pay
for itself 50-fold.
113
00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,635
Thank you.
[laughs]
114
00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:33,724
Now I have to
pass out money
115
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,813
when all I really
wanna do is pass out.
116
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:39,600
All you need, sir,
is a quick pick-me-up.
How about a milk shake?
117
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:41,776
Or just a nice, fresh,
118
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,865
moderately priced
glass of Grade A...
119
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,301
-[rustling]
-Oh, my God!
120
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,173
[Hawkeye laughing]
121
00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:50,175
Your milk machine
is having a snack.
122
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,656
Ah, keep laughing.
I put the money in there.
123
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:56,486
What? If that goat so much
as slobbered on that money...
124
00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:01,709
-What money?
-You idiot!
125
00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:05,321
How could you let that
goat just walk around free?
126
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,976
I think the walking
around was her idea.
127
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,978
What was she
doing in here?
128
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:14,591
If I'd left her outside,
everybody'd just walk up
and milk her.
129
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:17,812
-What am I gonna
tell the colonel?
-Just tell him the truth.
130
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:21,076
Wonderful. "Colonel Potter,
a goat ate the payroll."
131
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:24,471
-I don't believe it!
-I give you Exhibit A.
132
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,734
Sir, please don't send her
to the glue factory!
133
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,910
-She didn't know
what she was doing.
-But you should've.
134
00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,391
Any fool knows
a goat eats everything.
135
00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:35,046
-Almost any fool.
-How many people haven't
been paid besides me?
136
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,396
Most of them. I was
just getting started
137
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,702
when we got called to triage.
138
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:42,184
-So what happens now?
-Well, I'm a little
rusty on procedures
139
00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:45,709
for when the payroll
has been eaten by a goat.
140
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:48,277
Klinger, call I-Corps
and check into it.
141
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,888
-Yes, sir.
-So, meanwhile, what
am I supposed to tell
142
00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:54,457
-all those people who are
still expecting to be paid?
-Just tell 'em the truth.
143
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,111
What in the world
are you talking about?
144
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:58,026
I don't want to hear anymore
of your fairy stories!
145
00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:00,463
I knew you'd understand.
146
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,160
I don't wanna hear about goats.
147
00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:04,249
I wanna hear about when
we're getting our money.
148
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:06,121
And it had better be
before the end of the day!
149
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,645
That's being looked
into right now.
And I bet you
150
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:11,126
I-Corps has that money
here first thing tomorrow.
151
00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:13,781
Tomorrow doesn't
buy me beans.
152
00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:16,697
[clamoring]
153
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,742
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, look.
W-W-Wait a minute.
154
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,005
Why don't we all
have a drink on me?
155
00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:24,052
MARGARET: Oh, where did
you get the money to buy
us all drinks?
156
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,489
-[murmuring]
-Well...
157
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:29,884
by a quirk of fate,
I was the first one paid.
158
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:32,539
-What a coincidence!
-[clamoring resumes]
159
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,498
Come on. Folks, why don't we
all talk about it over drinks?
160
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,108
Igor, set 'em up.
161
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:39,502
Sorry, Captain, but there's
hardly anything left.
162
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:41,635
I was waiting for payday
to collect the tabs
163
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,419
so I could buy
the new shipment.
164
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,116
[groaning, clamoring]
165
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,031
All right,
I'll tell you what.
166
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,511
Let's all go over
to my place
167
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,687
and we'll have something
from the still.
168
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:53,168
Free booze for everybody
who promises not to use me
as a swizzle stick.
169
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,045
Psst!
170
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:04,701
Psst! Psst!
171
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,400
Hello, my friend.
You're right on time.
172
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:10,228
-Did you bring
my little purchase?
-First, money.
173
00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:13,580
Yes, of course.
Of course. Naturally.
174
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:15,625
-There you are.
-What's this?
175
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:19,107
-This my personal check.
-I want money.
176
00:08:19,150 --> 00:08:22,023
-You promised me 50 dollar.
-This is better than money.
177
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,416
Naturally,
I have identifications.
178
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,418
You should have no trouble
at all cashing that
179
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:27,898
at your neighborhood
liquor store.
180
00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:30,074
I'm sorry.
I want real cash.
181
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:32,076
I go find man
with three bucks.
182
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,557
I must have
that vase. W...
183
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:37,255
Ju... Just give me
a little more time.
184
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:40,215
[clears throat]
Forty.
185
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:43,566
Forty-five.
Fifty.
186
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,003
-[clears throat] Fifty...
-Wait right here.
187
00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:48,745
-[chuckles] Rizzo, it, uh...
-Hmm?
188
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,399
It would appear
that you've been paid.
189
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:52,401
And it would appear
that you wasn't.
190
00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,577
Now let's see.
Now where was I...
191
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:56,971
Forty-five. Fifty.
192
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,713
Rizzo, I wonder if you
would consider making me a...
193
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:03,281
A loan? Oh, gee,
I never thought of it.
194
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,370
-All I need is...
-Is 50. Here you go.
195
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:08,243
Of course, I will
have to charge you
simple interest.
196
00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,898
Yes, of course, fine.
Now, what could that be?
Uh, four percent?
197
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,769
-Five?
-Hmm, well... [chuckles]
198
00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:15,119
A little more
simple than that.
A hundred percent.
199
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:17,600
-One hundred percent?
-Per day.
200
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,602
Uh, that way I don't have
to do no 'rithmetic.
201
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:22,039
I see you have cash.
Maybe you like to buy vase.
202
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,825
No! It's a deal.
It's a deal.
203
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:28,480
See, now everybody's happy.
[laughs]
204
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:38,186
You... clumsy oaf!
205
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,840
Will you watch
where you're falling?
206
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,277
Pierce, what're all
these people doing in here?
207
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,322
Some are drinking.
Some are passing out.
208
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:45,846
But none of them
are killing me.
209
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:48,631
You... dolt! Will you
watch what you're doing?
210
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:52,243
-Hey, no fans allowed
on the field.
-[chuckles]
211
00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:53,854
You are sitting
on my footlocker,
212
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,638
and it's time
for the kickoff.
213
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:58,815
-Beat it!
-Sure, Major.
214
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:04,429
Pierce, I demand that you
drive your drinking buddies
215
00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,127
back to the gutter
where they belong.
216
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,259
Sorry, Charles.
I'm too drunk to drive.
217
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:10,087
Okay, everybody, listen up!
218
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:11,915
I've got great news.
You're free to go.
219
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,962
-Well, it's about time.
-Thank you.
220
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,051
-Thank you.
Everybody, step right...
-Wait a minute.
221
00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:19,270
-What're you doing?
These are my guests-s-s.
-Sorry...
222
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:21,925
but your half of
the still is empty,
and my half just closed.
223
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:24,493
Come on, Goldman.
Hit the road. Here you go.
224
00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,669
Night.
Hey! Hey!
225
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,019
Come on. Come on.
What's the matter?
226
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:31,021
Don't you have a bunk of
your own to sleep under?
227
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:33,589
Do us all a favor.
Pick up some mints
on the way home.
228
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,373
Alone at last.
229
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:40,683
Whew! This must be the tent
that made Milwaukee famous.
230
00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,903
-Anything new
on the payroll?
-Yep.
231
00:10:42,946 --> 00:10:44,992
-It's gonna be held
up a while longer.
-Aw, come on, Colonel.
232
00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:46,950
I can't keep these
people drunk forever.
233
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:50,867
Seems I-Corps wants to
send an investigator to
look into the details.
234
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:53,000
Great. Maybe we can all
borrow 10 bucks from him.
235
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:56,003
No, you won't need to.
I made arrangements
to get supplemental pay
236
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:59,136
to tide folks over until
the new payroll is issued.
237
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:00,660
Good. Now I can send
a certain
238
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:02,400
Louisiana loan shark
back to the bayou.
239
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,707
Pierce, you're now
supplemental paymaster.
240
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,361
Tomorrow you'll
distribute the money
241
00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:08,624
in descending order of rank.
242
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,713
-That means colonels first.
-Wait, wait, wait.
One more thing.
243
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:14,499
Just suppose for some strange,
incomprehensible reason
244
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,807
the investigator doesn't believe
that a goat ate the payroll.
245
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,505
That's no problem.
It's all covered
in the military regs.
246
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:24,945
-Yeah?
-You'll just have to
pay Uncle Sam $22,000.
247
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:33,605
I don't believe it.
248
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,564
Believe me,
you're the first.
249
00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:39,176
Major, I know this is
quite a chunk to swallow,
250
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:41,570
but this man and I
have been through a lot.
251
00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:44,529
And I can vouch for
his honesty and integrity.
252
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,401
I've got General Detweiler
breathing down my neck
253
00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:48,533
about a report
that's really important.
254
00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:50,057
I've worked on it
for quite some time
255
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,449
and have to turn it in
256
00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:54,017
no later than
the day after tomorrow.
257
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:57,412
And now I get sidetracked
by some ridiculous goat story.
258
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,588
I plan to wrap this
business up quickly...
259
00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:02,722
so I can meet my deadline
and keep the general off
my back.
260
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:05,594
Well, we all wanna get
this settled P.D.Q., Major.
261
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:07,117
Pierce, I'm holding
in my hand a voucher
262
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:10,294
releasing $24,312 to you.
263
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,644
Is this your signature?
264
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,646
Uh, yes.
But, uh...
265
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:18,781
You have issued
$1,972 in pay
266
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:24,178
leaving a grand total of
$22,340 unaccounted for.
267
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,614
Now where's the money?
268
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:28,095
-I told you. A goat ate it.
-A goat.
269
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:30,097
-A goat.
-A goat.
270
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,100
Just when you think
you've heard them all.
271
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,929
That's even better than
"I left it in my other tank."
272
00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:38,453
It's not only entertaining,
it's also true.
273
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:42,196
-I did not steal the money.
-I don't care if you stole it
or you lost it.
274
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,894
You signed for the money,
and the money isn't here.
275
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:49,507
You owe the army $22,000.
276
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,770
Either you come up with it,
277
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:52,380
or the army will
garnishee your wages
278
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,817
through this tour and
even into civilian life
279
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,514
until every red cent
is paid back.
280
00:12:58,125 --> 00:13:00,214
You gotta be kidding.
281
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,738
I don't
have time to kid.
282
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:09,789
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a report to get
back to.
283
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,402
-Uh... Oh...
-Hold it, Major.
284
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:17,840
It seems to me you're putting
the noose before the gavel.
285
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,755
Let me ask you something.
What would've happened
286
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:23,454
if this money, say,
had been lost in a fire?
287
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,369
Well, we would know that
it's out of circulation,
288
00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:27,067
and we'd replace it
with new scrip.
289
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:28,808
And Pierce would be
off the hook?
290
00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,984
-What's the point of this?
-The point is,
291
00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:33,725
if money can be burned,
it can be swallowed.
292
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:35,771
And if you call
yourself an investigator,
293
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,294
you ought to
investigate that.
294
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:38,295
Yeah, right.
Thank you, Colonel.
295
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:39,819
That's all I ask.
296
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:45,868
All right. All right,
I'll investigate.
297
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,044
Pierce, you're
my first witness.
298
00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:51,482
Do you have any proof
the goat ate the money?
299
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,488
HAWKEYE [on P.A.]:
And so I beg of you,
if there's anybody in camp...
300
00:13:57,532 --> 00:14:00,883
who actually saw
the goat eat the money,
please come forward now!
301
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,754
Oh, really?
302
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:06,584
How about anybody
who heard munching?
303
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,935
Okay, is there anybody out there
who's seen a goat...
304
00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:12,199
wearing expensive clothes
and planning a nice vacation?
305
00:14:12,242 --> 00:14:14,810
-Cap'n Pierce!
-Hallelujah! I'm saved!
306
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,465
-Let's go tell the
investigator right now.
-Tell him what, sir?
307
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,815
-That you saw the goat
eat the money.
-Well, uh, no, sir.
308
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,122
I ain't seen a goat
since, uh...
309
00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:27,910
since me and Zola took
little Billy Bubba to the
U-Pet-Em in Bossier City.
310
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:30,913
-Then what are you doing here?
-Fighting for democracy.
311
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,872
-No, in this room.
-Oh.
312
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,917
-Oh, you mean here here.
-Yeah.
313
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,311
Oh, well...
[laughs]
314
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:41,489
Uh, seein' as you're about 500
months behind in your monthly
payments...
315
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:47,582
I thought I might "hep" you
consolidate your debts into
one very friendly loan.
316
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:51,325
Uh, as a starter, I am
willing to offer you...
317
00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:54,110
$100 with simple interest.
318
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:57,984
-What good's $100 gonna do me?
-Oh, well...
319
00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:01,204
Uh, I thought a savvy man
like yourself...
320
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:05,382
might just wave that $100
under the nose of that
investigator...
321
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:07,907
and let him catch
a good whiff of it.
322
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:11,823
Rizzo, I don't need to bribe
anybody. I'm innocent!
323
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,000
Okay! Okay!
324
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:17,917
Just remember,
prisons are full of honest men!
325
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,920
Twenty, forty, fifty.
326
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:23,139
-Next.
-Wait a minute.
Where's the rest of it?
327
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,707
That's it. This is
just supplemental pay.
328
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:27,317
Everybody gets $50
to tide them over.
329
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:29,363
Until when? Time is money.
330
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:32,018
Don't ask me.
I'm just the teller. Next!
331
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,237
The man said "next," Major.
332
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,674
Hello, Major.
I believe...
333
00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:39,286
you have something there
that is of interest to me.
334
00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:41,375
Rizzo, I owe you $50,
uh, don't I?
335
00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:44,682
Uh...
Now we're even.
336
00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:46,467
Uh, beg...
beg your pardon, sir...
337
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,252
but bein' on the dole
has made you forgetful.
338
00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:50,558
This is just the interest.
339
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:53,039
You still owe me
the original 50.
340
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:56,912
Unless you got it today,
I'll see you tomorrow
for another $50 interest.
341
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,870
Now, ain't
that interestin'?
342
00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:01,090
But I don't know when
I'm gonna be paid.
343
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:02,874
This could run into
"hunerds" of dollars.
344
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:06,574
Oh, you have my
deepest sympathy, Major.
345
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,968
And you'll have
it again tomorrow
about this same time.
346
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,231
Uh, Father, I couldn't
help noticing
347
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:13,015
you've got $50 there.
348
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,712
Oh, how observant of you.
349
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,932
Right. Since you are a
compassionate man of God
350
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,891
one of your prime duties is
to give comfort to the needy.
351
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,155
Major, are you putting
the bite on me?
352
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:24,200
Please, Father,
if I don't pay
353
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,550
this Bayou bloodsucker
his $50 today,
354
00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:28,509
he's gonna bleed me dry.
355
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,859
I'd love to help you out, Major,
but what little money I have,
356
00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:33,470
and it's really not enough,
is earmarked for the orphanage.
357
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:36,734
They'll never miss it.
They're used to being poor.
358
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,649
But it's a real
hardship for me.
359
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:41,435
May God help you, Major,
because I won't.
360
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:44,438
Excuse me, Father.
Bein' a sentimental soul,
361
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:48,181
I was touched by
the orphans' predicament,
and I'd like to "hep."
362
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:51,358
Rizzo, why, that's
very generous of you.
363
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:53,490
I could let ya have
a "hunerd" dollars
364
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:56,841
at my special, God-fearin'
rate of 75%% .
365
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:58,408
Ugh.
366
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,935
Uh, Igor,
you have a belt
367
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:06,286
for a fellow who's
down on his luck?
368
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:09,463
Sorry, Major, the only thing
I got left is an old case
of grape Nehi.
369
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:12,292
Nobody drinks it
since Radar shipped out.
370
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:14,033
Very well. Put it in
a brandy snifter, will you?
371
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:15,947
Sure thing, pal.
372
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:22,650
-Where did you get this?
-From some peddler
for two bits.
373
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:25,044
If you like it, I'm sure
you could get another one.
374
00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:26,610
He's got a whole
cart full.
375
00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:28,917
-A... A cart full?
-Yeah.
376
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,484
It's great for
holdin' tips.
377
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:35,924
Tip. Hey, wait, you owe
me for the grape Nehi!
378
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,100
Maybe I'm blowing this
all out of proportion.
379
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:40,450
Maybe Van Zandt will
interview a few people,
380
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,452
find out what a
terrific guy I am,
381
00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:45,890
realize how ridiculous
the whole thing is,
and let me off the hook.
382
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,110
-You're probably right.
-Yeah.
383
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:50,330
And maybe I'll flap my arms
and fly to the moon.
384
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,898
Ah, here's
the bank dick now.
385
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:56,075
I can tell he's got good news
by the sneer on his face.
386
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,554
All right, Colonel.
387
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,469
I talked to
everybody in camp.
388
00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:01,471
The only one who knows
anything about the goat
389
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:03,430
eating the money is
your company clerk here.
390
00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:07,042
And all he can say is that
Pierce handed him a satchel.
391
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,436
Sorry, Captain, the truth
just slipped out.
392
00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:11,699
I'll be informing I-Corps
that in my judgment,
393
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:14,876
Benjamin Franklin Pierce
owes the United States Army
394
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,617
in excess of $22,000
395
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,575
to be garnisheed
from his military
396
00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:20,795
and subsequent civilian wages.
397
00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:23,798
Boy, talk about
a G.I. Bill.
398
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:26,801
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've gotta finish
399
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,498
the report for
the general tonight.
400
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:31,632
Well, that's Van Zandt's
idea of justice.
401
00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:33,851
A man is innocent
until railroaded.
402
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:36,115
Men, these are
desperate times,
403
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:38,943
and desperate times call
for desperate measures.
404
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:41,642
Oh, great idea.
We'll bombard them
with cliches.
405
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,600
I got an even better one.
406
00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:46,821
"You can catch a lot of flies
with a little bit of honey."
407
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,084
Hmm.
408
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,173
-[knocking]
-Come in.
409
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:54,045
Sorry to interrupt you, sir,
but you're wanted on the phone.
410
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:56,483
-I'm busy. Who is it?
-It's General Detweiler's aide.
411
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:58,615
Something about that
report you're working on.
412
00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:01,749
Oh, that man won't
even let me breathe.
413
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:05,535
I'd get the damn thing finished
if he'd only let me alone.
414
00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,711
All right. All right.
Let's go.
415
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,951
You come right
in here, Sergeant.
416
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,561
You sit in that
chair right over there
417
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,084
and you make
yourself comfortable.
418
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,478
-Well, thank you, sir.
-Of course, of course.
419
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,785
There you are.
Now, a-are you comfy?
420
00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:41,136
-Uh, yes, sir, I think so.
-Uh, would you like
some cognac?
421
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,705
No, thanks.
I ain't hungry.
422
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:47,577
Now, Luther...
423
00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:50,580
I've brought you here
to discuss an offer
424
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:54,497
that you would be a fool,
as it were, not to accept.
425
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:58,153
-Oh, yeah?
-I've given it
a lot of thought
426
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,677
and have come to the conclusion
that in exchange
427
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,897
for canceling my debt
428
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,813
I am prepared
to part with this.
429
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:12,733
-What do I want
with a pitcher?
-Well, Sergeant...
430
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:16,127
this pitcher is
an incredibly valuable
431
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:20,131
and treasured vase
from the Celadon Dynasty.
432
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,221
Oh!
433
00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:26,442
I don't care if
it's from the new
Sears catalog, Major.
434
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:28,792
Just how stupid
do you think I am?
435
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:31,534
An adjective fails me.
But you see, Rizzo...
436
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,536
No, no, no.
All I see is
437
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,669
is that you are
trying to get out of
438
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:36,931
payin' me the
money you owe me
439
00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:38,715
which is $50.
440
00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:40,282
No, no. Make that
a "hunerd" dollars.
441
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:43,677
-Wait. No, no. Wait...
-Mm-mm-mm-mmm!
442
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,157
I don't want
no hard-luck stories.
443
00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:49,639
I don't want no
dime-store spittoons.
444
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:54,470
All I want is my money.
I'll see you tomorrow.
445
00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:00,650
Oh, gee, sir...
446
00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:04,088
now you ain't got
a pot to spit in.
447
00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,394
KLINGER:
Sorry about that, sir.
448
00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:07,135
I don't know how
I lost the call
449
00:21:07,178 --> 00:21:09,137
but these phones
are always crazy over here.
450
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:11,487
-Just let me know the
minute they call back.
-Oh, yes, sir, I will.
451
00:21:11,531 --> 00:21:14,142
You can count on it,
if they somehow manage
to get through.
452
00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:18,320
[papers rustling]
453
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:19,974
My report!
Stop that at once!
454
00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:22,411
-Heel, heel.
-She ate my report!
455
00:21:22,455 --> 00:21:26,154
-What's all the racket?
Is something wrong?
-Terrible tragedy, sir.
456
00:21:26,197 --> 00:21:28,069
-She ate his report.
-Animal!
457
00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:30,289
General Detweiler will
have my head for this.
458
00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,247
He'll never believe his
report was eaten by a goat.
459
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,423
-Was it?
-Oh, that's pretty
hard to believe.
460
00:21:34,467 --> 00:21:35,729
I don't think you're gonna
get away with that story.
461
00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:40,255
Oh, I get it.
You guys set me up.
462
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,822
Well, it's not
gonna work, Pierce.
463
00:21:41,865 --> 00:21:43,258
I'm gonna see that you
get everything
464
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,781
you've got coming
to you and more.
465
00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:47,436
Great idea. You and I can
play gin in the stockade.
466
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,135
It appears to me you two
can go down together
or bail each other out.
467
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:52,354
What's that
supposed to mean?
468
00:21:52,398 --> 00:21:54,269
Well, if the goat
had a previous record
469
00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,838
as a paper-eater
which was proved by
an authorized investigator,
470
00:21:57,881 --> 00:21:59,448
such as yourself,
471
00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:02,190
and corroborated by a C.O.,
such as myself,
472
00:22:02,233 --> 00:22:04,366
then the two of you'd
be off the hook.
473
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:07,064
So what do ya say, Van Zandt?
Do we sink or swim?
474
00:22:07,108 --> 00:22:09,719
One hand whitewashes
the other. It's up to you.
475
00:22:11,982 --> 00:22:14,289
Okay. Okay, you got me.
476
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,988
I'll clear Pierce.
477
00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:20,556
But you better pray that
our paths never cross again.
478
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:24,386
I'm gonna take this goat
and show it to
General Detweiler.
479
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:26,432
Uh, just make sure
you feed her.
480
00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:27,955
Yeah, that
shouldn't be too tough.
481
00:22:27,998 --> 00:22:29,348
She eats just about anything.
482
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:31,567
Especially paper with
a little molasses on it.
483
00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:33,352
[laughs]
484
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:40,794
It was very charitable
of Major Van Zandt
to expedite our new payroll.
485
00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:42,317
Well, that's the
kind of guy he is.
486
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,797
I want you to know, Hawkeye
487
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,234
I never thought
you stole the money.
488
00:22:46,277 --> 00:22:49,411
Of course, some people consider
me to be rather naive.
489
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:53,850
Oh, thank you, Father.
You darn me with faint praise.
490
00:22:53,894 --> 00:22:59,595
120. 140. 150.
There. Finished.
491
00:22:59,639 --> 00:23:03,338
Oh, you forget
one thing, Major.
That's just the interest.
492
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,601
You still owe me
the original 50.
493
00:23:05,645 --> 00:23:07,298
Very well.
494
00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:10,084
20. 40. 50.
495
00:23:10,127 --> 00:23:11,955
Wonderful. Now I'm
out of cash again.
496
00:23:11,999 --> 00:23:14,262
How do you expect me
to make it through to
the end of the month?
497
00:23:14,305 --> 00:23:16,351
Oh, with the "hep"
of a friend.
498
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,832
Hi, friend.
499
00:23:20,355 --> 00:23:21,835
♪♪
500
00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:36,589
♪♪ [theme]
40089
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