All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S10E21 - That Darn Kid (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:06,180 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:58,449 KLINGER: Is this stuff for sale, 3 00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:00,364 or are ya just takin' your knickknacks for a walk? 4 00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:03,280 Everything for sale. Give up farm. 5 00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:06,544 -Must move south to city. -Hey, look, it's a Fuller junk man. 6 00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:08,633 Do you have anything in a dishonorable discharge, 7 00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:09,852 size 40 regular? 8 00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,375 KLINGER: Hey, is this goat for sale? 9 00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:13,682 Yes. Need money for city. 10 00:01:13,725 --> 00:01:16,250 Besides, it's so hard to find an apartment that'll take kids. 11 00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:20,167 -How much? -Goat very valuable. 12 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,169 Twenty-five dollars. 13 00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,867 Could either of you guys loan me $25? 14 00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:26,956 -What, are you crazy? -Hey... 15 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:29,219 this is an investment in dairy futures. 16 00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:32,657 You realize what people around here would pay for fresh milk? 17 00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:35,660 Come on. Tomorrow's payday. Twenty-five bucks for 24 hours. 18 00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:37,880 All right, I'll let you have 15, but I get the first glass. 19 00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,186 I'll go 10 for seconds. 20 00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:43,581 Here you go. Come to papa. 21 00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:46,976 [chuckles] I'm gonna milk you for all you're worth. 22 00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:48,412 Come on, baby. Come on. 23 00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:50,675 This is gonna be a fantastic business arrangement. 24 00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,329 Good mornin', boys. How're you doin', Pierce? 25 00:01:52,373 --> 00:01:54,375 -Just fine, Colonel. -I get the feeling... 26 00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,942 you haven't read the bulletin board the last few days. 27 00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:59,293 I'm waiting for the movie to come out. Now, how do you know? 28 00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:01,425 'Cause you haven't come screaming to me. 29 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:03,775 -Why would I come screaming to you? -Because there's a notice 30 00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,908 that says it's your turn to be paymaster. 31 00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:09,041 -I don't wanna be paymaster! -That's more like it. 32 00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,696 Aw, come on. I've already done that once this war. 33 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,307 I like a man with experience. 34 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,396 Hawk, old buddy, can I have a raise? 35 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:18,138 Very funny. I got better things to do 36 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,574 than go to I-Corps at the crack of dawn 37 00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:20,923 and then spend the rest of the day doling out 38 00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,186 money to a pack of drooling soldiers. 39 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:26,015 And I got better things to do than stand here and argue with you. 40 00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:28,713 See you tomorrow, doughboy. 41 00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:30,150 That does it. 42 00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:32,239 When this war is over, I'm going home. 43 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,154 Uh, Colonel... 44 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:37,157 Well, what have we here? Woolworth on wheels. 45 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,941 Actually, some of this stuff's not so bad. 46 00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:40,247 I think Peg might like this vase. 47 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:41,683 -How much is this? -Five dollars. 48 00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:43,424 -Here, hold this, will ya? -Yes... 49 00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:46,992 Five dollars, huh? Oh, I've only got three. 50 00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:49,734 Well, if that's all you've got... 51 00:02:49,778 --> 00:02:51,475 I'll give you 10 for it. 52 00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,477 Ten beats three anytime. You got it. 53 00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,871 Well, thanks a lot, Charles. 54 00:02:55,914 --> 00:03:00,223 Oh, dear. I, uh... I seem to be temporarily out of cash. 55 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,051 I'll gladly pay you the 10 tomorrow. 56 00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:06,055 Must leave today. Three dollars in hand beats your $10. 57 00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:09,232 Uh, would it be worth staying a day for, say, $50? 58 00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:11,974 -Fifty? -Okay. 59 00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:14,324 Fifty dollar buys you one day. 60 00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:17,414 Very well. See you on the morrow. 61 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,939 And thank you. 62 00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:22,985 Charles, what the hell is this? You saw that I wanted that vase. 63 00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:27,337 Nothing personal, Hunnicutt. I just think it's, uh, cute. 64 00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:31,341 Fresh milk here. Spend your fresh money on fresh milk. 65 00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:33,387 Why take a powder when you can get the real thing? 66 00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,954 Next. Name. 67 00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:38,218 Captain Pierce. 68 00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:42,396 Not my name. Your name, Rizzo. 69 00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:44,615 If you know my name, what'd you ask me for? 70 00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:47,052 [sighs] All right. Rizzo. Rizzo. 71 00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,490 Come on, Pierce! Do you work at being slow? 72 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:52,493 -Yeah, this is taking forever. -[clamoring] 73 00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:55,409 All right! All right. All right. I'm doing the best I can. 74 00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:58,412 -"Rizzo, Sergeant Luther." -Mm-hmm. Yeah. 75 00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:01,545 -162. Here. -Mm-hmm. 76 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:04,331 -Count that back to me. -[muttering] 77 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:07,116 [clears throat] Five. 78 00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,770 Ten. 79 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,815 Fresh milk! Fresh milk! 80 00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:12,426 Spend your fresh money on fresh milk. 81 00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,341 Hold on. [clears throat] 82 00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:17,953 -Five. Ten. -[helicopters arriving] 83 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,650 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. Attention, all personnel. 84 00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:21,826 Wounded coming in. 85 00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,741 -Time to start earning that big money. -That's it! 86 00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,091 Everybody who hasn't got your money, reassemble here after O.R. 87 00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:29,094 Sign that. Klinger, put that in the safe. 88 00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:31,183 -Five. Ten. -Excuse me. 89 00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,667 -Okay. -Hi, there. 90 00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:38,408 Is this table all right? Or would you prefer 91 00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:40,584 something a little closer to the piano bar? 92 00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:41,977 I hope you're a good doctor. 93 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,848 Hey, don't worry about a thing. 94 00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:45,850 When I was in med school, I was always first in my class. 95 00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:47,330 Of course, I lived right next door. 96 00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,506 Klinger, I'll need another unit of whole blood. 97 00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:52,379 -Right away, sir. -Klinger, did you put the money in the safe? 98 00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,163 I didn't wanna bother the colonel in triage. 99 00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,252 He's the only one who knows the combination. 100 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,516 And no one's gonna find out. It's Mildred's measurements. 101 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,563 But don't worry, sir. I locked all that money in a safe place. 102 00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:04,304 All the flights to Rio were booked, huh? 103 00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:09,221 Metz, please. Thank you, Margaret. 104 00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:12,312 You're doing your usual fine job. 105 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,836 That's the third compliment you've given me today, Major. 106 00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:17,360 As a matter of fact, that's the third compliment you've ever given me. 107 00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,623 Well, I must try to remedy that in the future. 108 00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,408 Well, if it's money you want, I haven't been paid yet. 109 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,931 [laughs] 110 00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,367 Money is hardly a problem for me. 111 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,674 An elective course I once took in Oriental art 112 00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:29,154 is about to pay for itself 50-fold. 113 00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,635 Thank you. [laughs] 114 00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:33,724 Now I have to pass out money 115 00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,813 when all I really wanna do is pass out. 116 00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:39,600 All you need, sir, is a quick pick-me-up. How about a milk shake? 117 00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:41,776 Or just a nice, fresh, 118 00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,865 moderately priced glass of Grade A... 119 00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,301 -[rustling] -Oh, my God! 120 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,173 [Hawkeye laughing] 121 00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:50,175 Your milk machine is having a snack. 122 00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,656 Ah, keep laughing. I put the money in there. 123 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:56,486 What? If that goat so much as slobbered on that money... 124 00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:01,709 -What money? -You idiot! 125 00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:05,321 How could you let that goat just walk around free? 126 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,976 I think the walking around was her idea. 127 00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,978 What was she doing in here? 128 00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:14,591 If I'd left her outside, everybody'd just walk up and milk her. 129 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:17,812 -What am I gonna tell the colonel? -Just tell him the truth. 130 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:21,076 Wonderful. "Colonel Potter, a goat ate the payroll." 131 00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:24,471 -I don't believe it! -I give you Exhibit A. 132 00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,734 Sir, please don't send her to the glue factory! 133 00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,910 -She didn't know what she was doing. -But you should've. 134 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,391 Any fool knows a goat eats everything. 135 00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:35,046 -Almost any fool. -How many people haven't been paid besides me? 136 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,396 Most of them. I was just getting started 137 00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,702 when we got called to triage. 138 00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:42,184 -So what happens now? -Well, I'm a little rusty on procedures 139 00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:45,709 for when the payroll has been eaten by a goat. 140 00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:48,277 Klinger, call I-Corps and check into it. 141 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,888 -Yes, sir. -So, meanwhile, what am I supposed to tell 142 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:54,457 -all those people who are still expecting to be paid? -Just tell 'em the truth. 143 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,111 What in the world are you talking about? 144 00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:58,026 I don't want to hear anymore of your fairy stories! 145 00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:00,463 I knew you'd understand. 146 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,160 I don't wanna hear about goats. 147 00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:04,249 I wanna hear about when we're getting our money. 148 00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:06,121 And it had better be before the end of the day! 149 00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,645 That's being looked into right now. And I bet you 150 00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:11,126 I-Corps has that money here first thing tomorrow. 151 00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:13,781 Tomorrow doesn't buy me beans. 152 00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:16,697 [clamoring] 153 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,742 Okay. Okay, okay, okay, look. W-W-Wait a minute. 154 00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,005 Why don't we all have a drink on me? 155 00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:24,052 MARGARET: Oh, where did you get the money to buy us all drinks? 156 00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,489 -[murmuring] -Well... 157 00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:29,884 by a quirk of fate, I was the first one paid. 158 00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:32,539 -What a coincidence! -[clamoring resumes] 159 00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,498 Come on. Folks, why don't we all talk about it over drinks? 160 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,108 Igor, set 'em up. 161 00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:39,502 Sorry, Captain, but there's hardly anything left. 162 00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:41,635 I was waiting for payday to collect the tabs 163 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,419 so I could buy the new shipment. 164 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,116 [groaning, clamoring] 165 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,031 All right, I'll tell you what. 166 00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,511 Let's all go over to my place 167 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,687 and we'll have something from the still. 168 00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:53,168 Free booze for everybody who promises not to use me as a swizzle stick. 169 00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,045 Psst! 170 00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:04,701 Psst! Psst! 171 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,400 Hello, my friend. You're right on time. 172 00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:10,228 -Did you bring my little purchase? -First, money. 173 00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:13,580 Yes, of course. Of course. Naturally. 174 00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:15,625 -There you are. -What's this? 175 00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:19,107 -This my personal check. -I want money. 176 00:08:19,150 --> 00:08:22,023 -You promised me 50 dollar. -This is better than money. 177 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,416 Naturally, I have identifications. 178 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,418 You should have no trouble at all cashing that 179 00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:27,898 at your neighborhood liquor store. 180 00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:30,074 I'm sorry. I want real cash. 181 00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:32,076 I go find man with three bucks. 182 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,557 I must have that vase. W... 183 00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:37,255 Ju... Just give me a little more time. 184 00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:40,215 [clears throat] Forty. 185 00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:43,566 Forty-five. Fifty. 186 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,003 -[clears throat] Fifty... -Wait right here. 187 00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:48,745 -[chuckles] Rizzo, it, uh... -Hmm? 188 00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,399 It would appear that you've been paid. 189 00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:52,401 And it would appear that you wasn't. 190 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,577 Now let's see. Now where was I... 191 00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:56,971 Forty-five. Fifty. 192 00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,713 Rizzo, I wonder if you would consider making me a... 193 00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:03,281 A loan? Oh, gee, I never thought of it. 194 00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,370 -All I need is... -Is 50. Here you go. 195 00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:08,243 Of course, I will have to charge you simple interest. 196 00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,898 Yes, of course, fine. Now, what could that be? Uh, four percent? 197 00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,769 -Five? -Hmm, well... [chuckles] 198 00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:15,119 A little more simple than that. A hundred percent. 199 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:17,600 -One hundred percent? -Per day. 200 00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,602 Uh, that way I don't have to do no 'rithmetic. 201 00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:22,039 I see you have cash. Maybe you like to buy vase. 202 00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,825 No! It's a deal. It's a deal. 203 00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:28,480 See, now everybody's happy. [laughs] 204 00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:38,186 You... clumsy oaf! 205 00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,840 Will you watch where you're falling? 206 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,277 Pierce, what're all these people doing in here? 207 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,322 Some are drinking. Some are passing out. 208 00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:45,846 But none of them are killing me. 209 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:48,631 You... dolt! Will you watch what you're doing? 210 00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:52,243 -Hey, no fans allowed on the field. -[chuckles] 211 00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:53,854 You are sitting on my footlocker, 212 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,638 and it's time for the kickoff. 213 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:58,815 -Beat it! -Sure, Major. 214 00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:04,429 Pierce, I demand that you drive your drinking buddies 215 00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,127 back to the gutter where they belong. 216 00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,259 Sorry, Charles. I'm too drunk to drive. 217 00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:10,087 Okay, everybody, listen up! 218 00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:11,915 I've got great news. You're free to go. 219 00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,962 -Well, it's about time. -Thank you. 220 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,051 -Thank you. Everybody, step right... -Wait a minute. 221 00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:19,270 -What're you doing? These are my guests-s-s. -Sorry... 222 00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:21,925 but your half of the still is empty, and my half just closed. 223 00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:24,493 Come on, Goldman. Hit the road. Here you go. 224 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,669 Night. Hey! Hey! 225 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,019 Come on. Come on. What's the matter? 226 00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:31,021 Don't you have a bunk of your own to sleep under? 227 00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:33,589 Do us all a favor. Pick up some mints on the way home. 228 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,373 Alone at last. 229 00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:40,683 Whew! This must be the tent that made Milwaukee famous. 230 00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,903 -Anything new on the payroll? -Yep. 231 00:10:42,946 --> 00:10:44,992 -It's gonna be held up a while longer. -Aw, come on, Colonel. 232 00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:46,950 I can't keep these people drunk forever. 233 00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:50,867 Seems I-Corps wants to send an investigator to look into the details. 234 00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:53,000 Great. Maybe we can all borrow 10 bucks from him. 235 00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:56,003 No, you won't need to. I made arrangements to get supplemental pay 236 00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:59,136 to tide folks over until the new payroll is issued. 237 00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:00,660 Good. Now I can send a certain 238 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:02,400 Louisiana loan shark back to the bayou. 239 00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,707 Pierce, you're now supplemental paymaster. 240 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,361 Tomorrow you'll distribute the money 241 00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:08,624 in descending order of rank. 242 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,713 -That means colonels first. -Wait, wait, wait. One more thing. 243 00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:14,499 Just suppose for some strange, incomprehensible reason 244 00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,807 the investigator doesn't believe that a goat ate the payroll. 245 00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,505 That's no problem. It's all covered in the military regs. 246 00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:24,945 -Yeah? -You'll just have to pay Uncle Sam $22,000. 247 00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:33,605 I don't believe it. 248 00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,564 Believe me, you're the first. 249 00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:39,176 Major, I know this is quite a chunk to swallow, 250 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:41,570 but this man and I have been through a lot. 251 00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:44,529 And I can vouch for his honesty and integrity. 252 00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,401 I've got General Detweiler breathing down my neck 253 00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:48,533 about a report that's really important. 254 00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:50,057 I've worked on it for quite some time 255 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,449 and have to turn it in 256 00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:54,017 no later than the day after tomorrow. 257 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:57,412 And now I get sidetracked by some ridiculous goat story. 258 00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,588 I plan to wrap this business up quickly... 259 00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:02,722 so I can meet my deadline and keep the general off my back. 260 00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:05,594 Well, we all wanna get this settled P.D.Q., Major. 261 00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:07,117 Pierce, I'm holding in my hand a voucher 262 00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:10,294 releasing $24,312 to you. 263 00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,644 Is this your signature? 264 00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,646 Uh, yes. But, uh... 265 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:18,781 You have issued $1,972 in pay 266 00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:24,178 leaving a grand total of $22,340 unaccounted for. 267 00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,614 Now where's the money? 268 00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:28,095 -I told you. A goat ate it. -A goat. 269 00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:30,097 -A goat. -A goat. 270 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,100 Just when you think you've heard them all. 271 00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,929 That's even better than "I left it in my other tank." 272 00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:38,453 It's not only entertaining, it's also true. 273 00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:42,196 -I did not steal the money. -I don't care if you stole it or you lost it. 274 00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,894 You signed for the money, and the money isn't here. 275 00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:49,507 You owe the army $22,000. 276 00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,770 Either you come up with it, 277 00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:52,380 or the army will garnishee your wages 278 00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,817 through this tour and even into civilian life 279 00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,514 until every red cent is paid back. 280 00:12:58,125 --> 00:13:00,214 You gotta be kidding. 281 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,738 I don't have time to kid. 282 00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:09,789 Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a report to get back to. 283 00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,402 -Uh... Oh... -Hold it, Major. 284 00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:17,840 It seems to me you're putting the noose before the gavel. 285 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,755 Let me ask you something. What would've happened 286 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:23,454 if this money, say, had been lost in a fire? 287 00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,369 Well, we would know that it's out of circulation, 288 00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:27,067 and we'd replace it with new scrip. 289 00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:28,808 And Pierce would be off the hook? 290 00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,984 -What's the point of this? -The point is, 291 00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:33,725 if money can be burned, it can be swallowed. 292 00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:35,771 And if you call yourself an investigator, 293 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,294 you ought to investigate that. 294 00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:38,295 Yeah, right. Thank you, Colonel. 295 00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:39,819 That's all I ask. 296 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:45,868 All right. All right, I'll investigate. 297 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,044 Pierce, you're my first witness. 298 00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:51,482 Do you have any proof the goat ate the money? 299 00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,488 HAWKEYE [on P.A.]: And so I beg of you, if there's anybody in camp... 300 00:13:57,532 --> 00:14:00,883 who actually saw the goat eat the money, please come forward now! 301 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,754 Oh, really? 302 00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:06,584 How about anybody who heard munching? 303 00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,935 Okay, is there anybody out there who's seen a goat... 304 00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:12,199 wearing expensive clothes and planning a nice vacation? 305 00:14:12,242 --> 00:14:14,810 -Cap'n Pierce! -Hallelujah! I'm saved! 306 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,465 -Let's go tell the investigator right now. -Tell him what, sir? 307 00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,815 -That you saw the goat eat the money. -Well, uh, no, sir. 308 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,122 I ain't seen a goat since, uh... 309 00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:27,910 since me and Zola took little Billy Bubba to the U-Pet-Em in Bossier City. 310 00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:30,913 -Then what are you doing here? -Fighting for democracy. 311 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,872 -No, in this room. -Oh. 312 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,917 -Oh, you mean here here. -Yeah. 313 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,311 Oh, well... [laughs] 314 00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:41,489 Uh, seein' as you're about 500 months behind in your monthly payments... 315 00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:47,582 I thought I might "hep" you consolidate your debts into one very friendly loan. 316 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:51,325 Uh, as a starter, I am willing to offer you... 317 00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:54,110 $100 with simple interest. 318 00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:57,984 -What good's $100 gonna do me? -Oh, well... 319 00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:01,204 Uh, I thought a savvy man like yourself... 320 00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:05,382 might just wave that $100 under the nose of that investigator... 321 00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:07,907 and let him catch a good whiff of it. 322 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:11,823 Rizzo, I don't need to bribe anybody. I'm innocent! 323 00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,000 Okay! Okay! 324 00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:17,917 Just remember, prisons are full of honest men! 325 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,920 Twenty, forty, fifty. 326 00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:23,139 -Next. -Wait a minute. Where's the rest of it? 327 00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,707 That's it. This is just supplemental pay. 328 00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:27,317 Everybody gets $50 to tide them over. 329 00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:29,363 Until when? Time is money. 330 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:32,018 Don't ask me. I'm just the teller. Next! 331 00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,237 The man said "next," Major. 332 00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,674 Hello, Major. I believe... 333 00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:39,286 you have something there that is of interest to me. 334 00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:41,375 Rizzo, I owe you $50, uh, don't I? 335 00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:44,682 Uh... Now we're even. 336 00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:46,467 Uh, beg... beg your pardon, sir... 337 00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,252 but bein' on the dole has made you forgetful. 338 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:50,558 This is just the interest. 339 00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:53,039 You still owe me the original 50. 340 00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:56,912 Unless you got it today, I'll see you tomorrow for another $50 interest. 341 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,870 Now, ain't that interestin'? 342 00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:01,090 But I don't know when I'm gonna be paid. 343 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:02,874 This could run into "hunerds" of dollars. 344 00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:06,574 Oh, you have my deepest sympathy, Major. 345 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,968 And you'll have it again tomorrow about this same time. 346 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,231 Uh, Father, I couldn't help noticing 347 00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:13,015 you've got $50 there. 348 00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,712 Oh, how observant of you. 349 00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,932 Right. Since you are a compassionate man of God 350 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,891 one of your prime duties is to give comfort to the needy. 351 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,155 Major, are you putting the bite on me? 352 00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:24,200 Please, Father, if I don't pay 353 00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,550 this Bayou bloodsucker his $50 today, 354 00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:28,509 he's gonna bleed me dry. 355 00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,859 I'd love to help you out, Major, but what little money I have, 356 00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:33,470 and it's really not enough, is earmarked for the orphanage. 357 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:36,734 They'll never miss it. They're used to being poor. 358 00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,649 But it's a real hardship for me. 359 00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:41,435 May God help you, Major, because I won't. 360 00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:44,438 Excuse me, Father. Bein' a sentimental soul, 361 00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:48,181 I was touched by the orphans' predicament, and I'd like to "hep." 362 00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:51,358 Rizzo, why, that's very generous of you. 363 00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:53,490 I could let ya have a "hunerd" dollars 364 00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:56,841 at my special, God-fearin' rate of 75%% . 365 00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:58,408 Ugh. 366 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,935 Uh, Igor, you have a belt 367 00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:06,286 for a fellow who's down on his luck? 368 00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:09,463 Sorry, Major, the only thing I got left is an old case of grape Nehi. 369 00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:12,292 Nobody drinks it since Radar shipped out. 370 00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:14,033 Very well. Put it in a brandy snifter, will you? 371 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:15,947 Sure thing, pal. 372 00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:22,650 -Where did you get this? -From some peddler for two bits. 373 00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:25,044 If you like it, I'm sure you could get another one. 374 00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:26,610 He's got a whole cart full. 375 00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:28,917 -A... A cart full? -Yeah. 376 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,484 It's great for holdin' tips. 377 00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:35,924 Tip. Hey, wait, you owe me for the grape Nehi! 378 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,100 Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion. 379 00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:40,450 Maybe Van Zandt will interview a few people, 380 00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:42,452 find out what a terrific guy I am, 381 00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:45,890 realize how ridiculous the whole thing is, and let me off the hook. 382 00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,110 -You're probably right. -Yeah. 383 00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:50,330 And maybe I'll flap my arms and fly to the moon. 384 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,898 Ah, here's the bank dick now. 385 00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:56,075 I can tell he's got good news by the sneer on his face. 386 00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,554 All right, Colonel. 387 00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,469 I talked to everybody in camp. 388 00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:01,471 The only one who knows anything about the goat 389 00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:03,430 eating the money is your company clerk here. 390 00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:07,042 And all he can say is that Pierce handed him a satchel. 391 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,436 Sorry, Captain, the truth just slipped out. 392 00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:11,699 I'll be informing I-Corps that in my judgment, 393 00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:14,876 Benjamin Franklin Pierce owes the United States Army 394 00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,617 in excess of $22,000 395 00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,575 to be garnisheed from his military 396 00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:20,795 and subsequent civilian wages. 397 00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:23,798 Boy, talk about a G.I. Bill. 398 00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:26,801 Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta finish 399 00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,498 the report for the general tonight. 400 00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:31,632 Well, that's Van Zandt's idea of justice. 401 00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:33,851 A man is innocent until railroaded. 402 00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:36,115 Men, these are desperate times, 403 00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:38,943 and desperate times call for desperate measures. 404 00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:41,642 Oh, great idea. We'll bombard them with cliches. 405 00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,600 I got an even better one. 406 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:46,821 "You can catch a lot of flies with a little bit of honey." 407 00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,084 Hmm. 408 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,173 -[knocking] -Come in. 409 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:54,045 Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but you're wanted on the phone. 410 00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:56,483 -I'm busy. Who is it? -It's General Detweiler's aide. 411 00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:58,615 Something about that report you're working on. 412 00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:01,749 Oh, that man won't even let me breathe. 413 00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:05,535 I'd get the damn thing finished if he'd only let me alone. 414 00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,711 All right. All right. Let's go. 415 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,951 You come right in here, Sergeant. 416 00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:31,561 You sit in that chair right over there 417 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,084 and you make yourself comfortable. 418 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:35,478 -Well, thank you, sir. -Of course, of course. 419 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,785 There you are. Now, a-are you comfy? 420 00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:41,136 -Uh, yes, sir, I think so. -Uh, would you like some cognac? 421 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,705 No, thanks. I ain't hungry. 422 00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:47,577 Now, Luther... 423 00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:50,580 I've brought you here to discuss an offer 424 00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:54,497 that you would be a fool, as it were, not to accept. 425 00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:58,153 -Oh, yeah? -I've given it a lot of thought 426 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,677 and have come to the conclusion that in exchange 427 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,897 for canceling my debt 428 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,813 I am prepared to part with this. 429 00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:12,733 -What do I want with a pitcher? -Well, Sergeant... 430 00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:16,127 this pitcher is an incredibly valuable 431 00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:20,131 and treasured vase from the Celadon Dynasty. 432 00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,221 Oh! 433 00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:26,442 I don't care if it's from the new Sears catalog, Major. 434 00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:28,792 Just how stupid do you think I am? 435 00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:31,534 An adjective fails me. But you see, Rizzo... 436 00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,536 No, no, no. All I see is 437 00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,669 is that you are trying to get out of 438 00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:36,931 payin' me the money you owe me 439 00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:38,715 which is $50. 440 00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:40,282 No, no. Make that a "hunerd" dollars. 441 00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:43,677 -Wait. No, no. Wait... -Mm-mm-mm-mmm! 442 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,157 I don't want no hard-luck stories. 443 00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:49,639 I don't want no dime-store spittoons. 444 00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:54,470 All I want is my money. I'll see you tomorrow. 445 00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:00,650 Oh, gee, sir... 446 00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:04,088 now you ain't got a pot to spit in. 447 00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,394 KLINGER: Sorry about that, sir. 448 00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:07,135 I don't know how I lost the call 449 00:21:07,178 --> 00:21:09,137 but these phones are always crazy over here. 450 00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:11,487 -Just let me know the minute they call back. -Oh, yes, sir, I will. 451 00:21:11,531 --> 00:21:14,142 You can count on it, if they somehow manage to get through. 452 00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:18,320 [papers rustling] 453 00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:19,974 My report! Stop that at once! 454 00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:22,411 -Heel, heel. -She ate my report! 455 00:21:22,455 --> 00:21:26,154 -What's all the racket? Is something wrong? -Terrible tragedy, sir. 456 00:21:26,197 --> 00:21:28,069 -She ate his report. -Animal! 457 00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:30,289 General Detweiler will have my head for this. 458 00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,247 He'll never believe his report was eaten by a goat. 459 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,423 -Was it? -Oh, that's pretty hard to believe. 460 00:21:34,467 --> 00:21:35,729 I don't think you're gonna get away with that story. 461 00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:40,255 Oh, I get it. You guys set me up. 462 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,822 Well, it's not gonna work, Pierce. 463 00:21:41,865 --> 00:21:43,258 I'm gonna see that you get everything 464 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,781 you've got coming to you and more. 465 00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:47,436 Great idea. You and I can play gin in the stockade. 466 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,135 It appears to me you two can go down together or bail each other out. 467 00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:52,354 What's that supposed to mean? 468 00:21:52,398 --> 00:21:54,269 Well, if the goat had a previous record 469 00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,838 as a paper-eater which was proved by an authorized investigator, 470 00:21:57,881 --> 00:21:59,448 such as yourself, 471 00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:02,190 and corroborated by a C.O., such as myself, 472 00:22:02,233 --> 00:22:04,366 then the two of you'd be off the hook. 473 00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:07,064 So what do ya say, Van Zandt? Do we sink or swim? 474 00:22:07,108 --> 00:22:09,719 One hand whitewashes the other. It's up to you. 475 00:22:11,982 --> 00:22:14,289 Okay. Okay, you got me. 476 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,988 I'll clear Pierce. 477 00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:20,556 But you better pray that our paths never cross again. 478 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:24,386 I'm gonna take this goat and show it to General Detweiler. 479 00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:26,432 Uh, just make sure you feed her. 480 00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:27,955 Yeah, that shouldn't be too tough. 481 00:22:27,998 --> 00:22:29,348 She eats just about anything. 482 00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:31,567 Especially paper with a little molasses on it. 483 00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:33,352 [laughs] 484 00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:40,794 It was very charitable of Major Van Zandt to expedite our new payroll. 485 00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:42,317 Well, that's the kind of guy he is. 486 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,797 I want you to know, Hawkeye 487 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,234 I never thought you stole the money. 488 00:22:46,277 --> 00:22:49,411 Of course, some people consider me to be rather naive. 489 00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:53,850 Oh, thank you, Father. You darn me with faint praise. 490 00:22:53,894 --> 00:22:59,595 120. 140. 150. There. Finished. 491 00:22:59,639 --> 00:23:03,338 Oh, you forget one thing, Major. That's just the interest. 492 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,601 You still owe me the original 50. 493 00:23:05,645 --> 00:23:07,298 Very well. 494 00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:10,084 20. 40. 50. 495 00:23:10,127 --> 00:23:11,955 Wonderful. Now I'm out of cash again. 496 00:23:11,999 --> 00:23:14,262 How do you expect me to make it through to the end of the month? 497 00:23:14,305 --> 00:23:16,351 Oh, with the "hep" of a friend. 498 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,832 Hi, friend. 499 00:23:20,355 --> 00:23:21,835 ♪♪ 500 00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:36,589 ♪♪ [theme] 40089

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