All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S10E18 - Heroes (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Holy cow!
Gentleman Joe Cavanaugh,
coming here!

Oh, uh, excuse me, Colonel.

Please continue.

No problem, Padre.

Couldn't have said it
any better myself.

Certainly not any louder.

What's so great about
Gentleman Joe Cavanaugh?

Oh, where have you been
living all your life?

He was only the undefeated
middleweight champion

for nine years.

He had a left hook
that could have put

the lights out on
a water buffalo.

Doesn't he own a big
restaurant in Hollywood now?

Yeah. I hear it's always
crawling with celebrities.

Especially beneath the bar.

Where the elite
fall off their feet.

Well, here to give us
some background

on Gentleman Joe,

if there's any left--
[chuckles]

...is Major Robert Hatch
from Army Information.

-Major?
-Thank you, Colonel.

The champ is on
a goodwill tour

sponsored by
the State Department.

He'll be here for
about five hours.

That'll give him enough time
to shake hands with your
wounded boys.

-You do have wounded?
-Oh, sure.

We have them custom made
in a factory in North Korea.

-We're their best customer.
-Fine, fine.

And to show
your appreciation,

you're gonna give
the champ a banquet,

which is good news for you,
because he only eats steak.

[all exclaiming]

Is that what it takes
to get a steak dinner
around here,

a visit from
some Joe Palooka.

I wonder if he
eats it cooked.

Oh, cram it, will ya?

Don't tie on the bibs
just yet, folks.

Major, let's don't make
promises you can't eat.

The only beef we've got
around here is a la shingle.

No problem. No problem.

To get those steaks,
just call Supply
and mention that memo.

-Which memo?
-About the champ's tour.

It came from General
Wilberforce two weeks ago.

Instructs all units to give
the champ anything he wants.

I hope you brought
a copy with you.

Half the memos sent here

get classified
"missing in action."

Oh, you don't need it.
Just mention it when
you call.

If you say so.

-But hearing is believing.
-Fine. Fine.

Now, Colonel, I'd like
to check out the Mess Tent.

-Sure.
-So I can draw up
a seating arrangement.

I want to order some steaks.

-That's right. Steaks.
-[door closes]

Give me a break, will ya?

They told me
to mention some memo

from General Wilberforce's
office, and--

Oh, I don't know.

T-bone, about an inch thick.

How many you got?
Sixty'll be fine!

Welcome, Champ!

-How was the trip?
-Oh, great.

One jeep, four guys,
and a tripod,

potholes you could hide in,

and all the dust
I could swallow.

Sorry, Champ.
We'll get you that extra jeep.

[clears throat]

Oh, uh,
this is the C.O. here,

Colonel Sherwood Potter.

Uh, a lot of folks
call me Sherman.

-Pleasure.
-[clears throat]

Oh, this is our clerk,
Sergeant Klinger.

You wouldn't believe
what a lot of folks call me.

How are you?
So, where are
the wounded boys?

They've got a ward
right around the corner.

Sergeant, why don't you give
the boys a hand and find

a parking meter
for this heap?

Yes, sir.

Gentleman Joe.
It is you!

I can't tell you what an honor
and privilege this is.

You have no idea how long
I've dreamt of this occasion.

Nice to meet you too.

Well, now that you've met,
why don't I introduce you?

Oh, thank you, Colonel.
I'm the chaplain here.

-Right.
-Francis Mulcahy.

Father Francis.

Actually,
we have met before.

-We have?
-Yes, it was 20 years ago,

after the Galligan fight
at Convention Hall in
Philadelphia.

You were getting
into your car,

and I stuck my face
in the window
and waved at you.

[laughs]

I was wondering
if you might remember.

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Well, I understand.
It was a while ago.

Uh, Champ, this is
one of our surgeons,

Major Charles Winchester.

Mr. Cavanaugh,
it's always a pleasure
to meet someone who arrives

at the camp accompanied
by a steak dinner.

Nice to meet you too.

So, uh, where are
the wounded?

It's right this way.

Uh, sad to say,
we've got a full house.

Well, gentlemen,
I'll see you later.

Champ, now we'll go
in there

and you'll do
the hand-pumping routine.

We'll have the cameras going.

Then we're gonna have
a little banquet for you.

Then we move on to
the 6022 Artillery.

Move on? How many of these
nickel-and-dime units are
we going to?

Champ, there are a lot
of people out here who
really love you.

Uh, I count myself among--

Is this your idea
of booking a tour?

You've got me hopping around
like Bugs Bunny.

Champ, I'm really sorry,
but--

Let me tell you something.

If you're gonna drag me
all over Korea,

you better get me
a second jeep,

or I'm gonna get me
a new boy.

Hey, what's everybody
doing in bed?
Is it nap time?

Hey, it's Gentleman
Joe Cavanaugh!

I was in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd drop in.

How's Hollywood
treating you, Champ?

Oh, I love it there.

You walk down the street,

and you see nothing
but blondes

with perfect bodies
and tans that won't quit.

-And that's just the guys.
-[staff, patients laughing]

-Hey, how's your pal Truman?
-Ah, he's fine.

I just wish his kitchen
wasn't so hot.

[Mulcahy laughing]

What happened to you,
slugger?

Grenade landed
in my foxhole.

Jeez, you look like me after
I went 15 with Billy Soose.

Hang in there, son.
We're proud of you.

Oh, and by the way,
we're proud of you folks too.

You're doing a bang-up job.

They keep getting banged up,

-we'll keep doing our job.
-Thank you.

Hey, Champ.
What's the toughest
fight you ever had?

Uh, probably the Zale fight.
Nah, tougher than that...

-the fight to keep my weight.
-[laughs]

Hey, Champ,
would you sign my cast?

Sure, but you gotta remember,
I'm a boxer.

-You're gonna have to help me
with the spelling.
-[laughter]

-Nice guy.
-Oh, a true gentleman.

That same gentleman
you now see flashing teeth...

-was not two seconds ago using
them to devour an associate.
-Now just a minute.

I'd be a little testy myself
if I'd just finished a long,
uncomfortable jeep ride.

Is there any such thing
as a comfortable jeep ride?

Father, why are you
defending that pug?

I mean, his only claim to fame
is that he used to beat people
to a pulp.

Oh, yeah? Well I heard that
Florence Nightingale messed
around.

[chattering]

SOLDIER'S VOICE:
Do you see that guy?

[chattering continues]

Darn good steak.
You folks always eat like this?

Oh, yeah.
At least once every blue moon.

You know, Mister C,

one time when Mildred and I
were on vacation in, uh,
Tinseltown,

we had the pleasure of visiting
your establishment.

We tried a couple
of those drinks

you call
"The Knockout Punch ."

Yeah, they sure pack
a wallop.

Ho-ho, don't I know it.

Afterwards,
we wobbled up the street

to that Chinese Theatre.

Who'd have thought
Theda Bara's feet

are smaller
than Mildred's face?

[laughter]

Say, dollface...

how about a couple of shots
of you posing with the champ?

Mmm, no thank you, sweetie.

Excuse me, Joe?
I know how a great
boxer like yourself

must get sick and tired
of people asking questions
about your fights.

There's only
one question I tire of.

Why did I keep dropping my left
in that fight with Garcia?

Oh. Oh, well,
uh, never mind.

Say, Colonel, how about a shot
of you toasting the champ?

Oh, gee. I don't know.
[chuckles]

I'm not what you call
a George Jessel.

Come on, Colonel.

-Go ahead
-Oh, what the hey.

-[laughs]
-[cheering]

I'd like to, uh--
[clears throat]

...uh, propose a toast
to the "champeen" fighter--

[clears throat]
...uh, restaurateur.

-Well, I'm just winging this.
-[laughter]

But, uh, I guess what
I'm trying to say is

thanks for popping in on us.

-Hear! Hear!
-Gentleman Joe!

-HATCH: What's the matter?
-[clamoring]

What is it?
What's happened to him?

Somebody get a litter.

Get him into post-op.

Keep him on 10 percent
"D" and "W."

Catheterize him,
take his vital signs

every 15 minutes
till he's stable.

Right.

-How is he? Is he all right?
-No.

What is it?

He's had a stroke--
a massive one.

Is he gonna pull through?

I wouldn't get
your hopes up, Father.

Let me get this straight.
Are you saying the champ
is dying?

-Yeah, I guess I am.
-Dear God.

Damn.
How long do you give him?

A few hours.
He's got blood
in his spinal fluid.

Well, you can't give up yet.

There must be
a specialist we could call.

Major, all your
specialist could do

is pull up a chair
and wait with the rest of us.

He seemed so strong,
so vital.

Aw, I got to call
the Press Train at Munsan,
get some guys down here.

Now, wait a minute, Major.

Colonel,
if he is really dying,

this is big news.

Well, whatever you do,
all I ask is

that you keep
those boys on a leash.

No problem. No problem.

-[chattering]
-Boy, what a dump!

Anybody seen my typewriter?

REPORTER:
You got anything left
in that flask?

REPORTER 2: Poor Joe.
Sure wouldn't wanna
drop dead in this place.

Hey, boys,
how was the trip?

Bus needs new shocks.

What in the name
of Beelzebub is going on?

Boys, this is
Colonel Sherwood Potter.

These are the reporters
from the Press Train.

Press Train?
Looks like you've got
the whole damn railroad here.

Jeez, Louise!

You could at least let
a fella get some clothes on.

Colonel, I'm gonna set up
a press conference right away.

-Could I borrow your clerk?
-Why not?

After all, the boy
did sleep last night.

Perfect.
Thank you, Klinger.

No problem.
No problem.

I never planned on
having kids anyway.

Uh, put it over there.

-Then can I go back to bed?
-Not yet.

You've got to make
these guys some more coffee.

-They're running low.
-Wonderful.

Oh, and, uh, sharpen some
pencils for me, will ya?

Why not? How do you think
we make the coffee?

Look at this zoo.
There are probably
more people here

than there are covering
the truce talks.

Well, nobody at the truce talks
ever squired Jean Harlow.

Couldn't this have waited
until morning?

That's what I said.
But look on the bright side.

We'll answer all
their questions at once
and get it over with.

Oh, I hope so.
I left a bookmark
in my pillow.

Oh, Pierce.
Come with me.
Guys, guys.

Careful. I'm saving
that elbow to rub
with celebrities.

Guys, this is Captain
Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MD.

All my close reporters
call me Hawkeye.

This is the doctor
who is treating
Gentleman Joe.

He'll answer
all your questions.

[all talking at once]

Dr. Pierce, what happened
to the champ?

Well, he suffered a massive
intracranial hemorrhage.

-It's a severe type of stroke.
-How severe?

Well, he's completely
paralyzed on one side

and his EEG shows
severe damage.

EEG?

It's an electroencephalogram.

How do you spell that?

I personally spell it E-E-G.

[reporters chuckle]

What's the prognosis?

Well, he's dying.
It's just a matter of time.

Uh, please, the only thing
I like to be blinded by
is alcohol.

Gosh, that was clever.

Our fair-haired boy
seems to have taken

quite a shine
to the spotlight.

Dr. Pierce,
tell us something
about yourself.

Oh, me? Oh, well, uh--

Uh, I was born
in a log hospital.

[reporters laughing]

[groans, clears throat]

Oh, no! What's next?

-REPORTER: Read 'em and weep!
-[men laughing]

Quiet down, you guys!
I think I'm getting through!

-Sergeant, you're out of paper.
-There goes my honorable
discharge.

-What?
-Uh, there's a few sheets
in the bottom drawer.

You know, speaking
of drawers and sheets,

I was hoping
to strip down to one

and slip
between the other.

Not now.
We need this room.

That phone is the only way

these guys can get their
stories out.

Aw, come on.
You may not believe it,

but that card table there
converts into a bed.

Tonight it doesn't.
You've got to open the O-Club.

These poor guys are gonna
be working all night.

Oh, my heart snores for them.
Major, by the time

these hollow legs
stagger out of here,

there won't be
anything left for us.

No problem. No problem.

You need to restock,
just use Wilberforce's memo.

Ah, yes, the general's memo.
Certainly does open a lot
of doors, doesn't it?

Hey, you want
to open some doors?
Start at the Officers Club.

-[chattering]
-[typing]

Excuse me, may I get by?
Thank you.

-Uh, Major Houlihan, right?
-Right.

-Any news on the champ?
-He's about the same.

How does he look?
Is he awake?

Does he have any idea
what happened to him?

I just told you.
He's the same.

He was in coma yesterday,
and he's in coma today.

May I have my breakfast now?

Is there somebody
with him now?

Of course there's somebody
with him.

There's somebody with him
round the clock.

He's getting the best care
in the whole damn world.

Are you saying he shouldn't
be getting the best care?

No! All I'm saying is that

there's a ward full of boys with
their guts blown out,

and their conditions
are not gonna be printed up
on the front page.

Did something happen
between you and the champ?

I don't think the Major
was speaking for the record,
gentlemen.

No, I was not for the record.

-Now wait a minute, Major.
-Ah, Dr. Pierce!

You can't have it both ways.
You say there's a chance--

Thanks for getting me
off the hook, Father.

Well, I didn't do it
for you.

REPORTER:
Excuse me, Doctor.

Oh, goodness, I left
my spontaneous quips
in my other pants.

Uh, Dan Blevik,
"Ohio Newsday."

Hawkeye Pierce,
Korea every day.

We need to know about
the doctor who's going

to be in the champ's corner
for his biggest fight of all.

I'm just a spectator here.
The champ is fighting
this one by himself.

But tell us about you
the man behind the doctor.

Look, I'd really rather
have my breakfast, okay?

It'll only take a minute.
Now where did you go
to med school?

Absorbine Junior College.

-That's a good one. You're a
pretty funny guy.
-Doc, wait a minute, please...

Just think, for a moment there,
we were nearly the men

-behind the man
behind the doctor.
-Oh, forget it, Charles.

Come on. We don't want to be
late for our "Surgeons
Anonymous" meeting.

-Are you washing
or just hiding?
-A little of each.

-Those guys never give up.
-[chuckles]

-It's amazing.
-Yeah.

So, uh, how's the champ?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm surprised he's made it
this far.

Ah! Doctor Pierce.
I've been looking
all over for you.

Bill Stitzel,
"World News International."

Can you give me a few minutes?

-What, now, in here?
-Price of fame.

-I can wait outside.
-No, it's all right.

My nickel's up anyway.
Would you hand me my robe there?

The purple one
to go with the prose.

[chuckles] Thanks.

Actually,
I'm doing a sidebar story

on what exactly a stroke is.

I want to review my facts,

make sure I've got 'em right.

Yeah, all right.

I've got a couple
of questions.

I'm not too sure
about, uh...

Excuse me, I'm from--

Didn't you see him?
He just left.

Oh, no.
[chuckles]

Actually, Dr. Hunnicutt,

I wanted to ask you
a couple of questions.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, shoot.

Tell me,

what kind of a guy
is Dr. Pierce?

I don't believe those guys.

"Just give me two minutes
of your time, Dr. Pierce."

If that was two minutes,
Rome really was built
in a day.

[scoffs]
Poor boo-boo,

having the world treat
your every utterance
as if it were of value.

How you must suffer.

Oh, what--
Come on, will you?
Do you--

You think having uninvited
guests in the shower is fun?

I wouldn't really know.
I'm just your everyday Joe

poor working slob
who takes his lunch pail

to O.R. and toils
in anonymity.

[chuckles]
You're jealous.

Your patient
is beyond help,

and yet you are receiving
worldwide acclaim for
doing nothing.

Why on earth should
I be jealous of that?

Oh, good, and I thought
you were jealous.

Pierce, how blind
can even you be?

Everyone in this camp
is sick to death

of watching you throw yourself
at those vultures.

"Everyone in this camp"?

I don't even buy everyone
in this tent.

Tell him, will you, Beej?

Well, if you really want
to know, I'm on his side.

What?

I didn't ask
for this press party.

Maybe not.
But from where I sit,

you look like you're having
one hell of a good time.

They sent me
for a doctor.

-Cavanaugh's slipping fast.
-Dr. Pierce, you're on.

-[chattering]
-Shut that door, JoAnn!

[sighs]
Ghouls.

-How much time?
-Not much.

-Oh.
-It's just about over.

I'm sorry, Father.

-No.
-Where's his chart?

-On the desk.
-Excuse me.

I'm sorry I never got

much of a chance
to talk to you.

There were so many things
I wanted to say.

I'm sure people
tell you this all the time,

but you've always been
quite a hero to me.

Actually,
when I was growing up,

I had two heroes.

No offense.

You and Plato.

I know that sounds strange.

I loved Plato's notion
of an ideal plane.

I could even picture it--

rambling fields and trees,

sort of like the suburbs,
but in the sky.

I wished I could
live there myself.

I suppose that's because
my real life was less
than ideal.

I was small
and wore thick glasses,

probably from reading
too much Plato.

And I was an easy target
for the neighborhood kids.

I didn't even try
to fight back.

I didn't think fisticuffs
were very, oh, Platonic.

Well, when I was 12,

my father dragged me
to see my first fight.

It was you versus
Tony Giovanetti.

By the ninth round,
you were punching him
at will.

The crowd was yelling,

"Put him away.
Put him away."

My father was one
of the loudest.

All of a sudden,

you stopped punching.

You stepped back,

and you told the ref
to stop the fight

because the man
had been hurt enough.

And I realized
for the first time

that it was possible
to defend myself

and still maintain
my principles.

If Plato had been a boxer,

I suspect he'd have fought
like you.

That was when
I made up my mind to--

to keep one foot
in the ideal plane

and the other foot
in the real world.

I thought you might like
to know that.

And I just wanted
to thank you.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Choppers are on the way,

which means it's time
for your sewing circle.

Afraid you're gonna lose
your private room, Champ.

-Keep a nurse on him, okay?
-Right.

-JoAnn.
-Right, Major.

-I'll be along in a minute.
-I know.

What I don't understand,
Pierce,

is why you're wasting time
here saving lives

when there are memoirs
to be written.

And in the movie version,
the part of Charles Emerson
Winchester

will be played by Francis,
the Talking Mule.

-Oh-oh. More retraction. Fast.
-Got it.

-What's going on?
-His heart's fibrillating.

-It's wriggling
like a bucket of worms.
-Try hand pumping.

I'm already in there.

CHARLES:
Getting a beat?

No.

-Come on, kid!
-Hunnicutt, we got more waiting.

If you don't get
a regular beat soon,

then you better let him go.

Klinger!
Go to the Swamp.

Uh, there's a magazine,
a journal,

under my sweatshirt,
bring it in here.

HAWKEYE: Wait a minute. Hold it.
You mean that article
on electroshock?

-You want to try that?
-It'll stop fibrillation.

It will?
Why haven't I heard about it?

CHARLES:
Or I?

Because it's
just experimental.

-It's only been tried on dogs.
-Hold it right there!

Command takes
a very dim view

of our using
these boys as lab rats.

I figure he's got a lot more
to lose than we do.

I let go of this kid's heart,

he's got a life expectancy
of about a minute.

Maybe we better
give it a try.

What do you think,
Colonel?

-Do it.
-Klinger, go! And hurry up!

We've got to build
a defibrillator.

-How is he, Father?
-How is he, Father?

He's, uh--

-He's gone.
-When did he die?

Did he gain consciousness,
Father?

-[overlapping questions]
-Will you excuse me, please?

-[questioning continues]
-Were you with him when
he died?

KLINGER: Captain, isn't this
thing going to electrocute him?

B.J.: That's the idea.

Just enough to save his life,
I hope.

Okay, take that big electrode
plate and put it underneath him.

-How far does this go?
-Right under his left
shoulder blade.

-Okay.
-Okay?

All right, now plug it in.

This table's metal,
so we'll have to stand away
from it.

-All plugged in.
-Okay. Give me
the other electrode.

Now, when I say
to give me the juice,

turn it off and on,
real fast.

Good luck, pal.
To me too.

-Ready?
-Mm-hmm.

Now.

-Again.
-[patient grunts]

It stopped fibrillating.

CHARLES:
But is it beating?

One beat.

Come on, I know you got
another one in you.

Two beats.

Let's go,
you almost had a run there.

Steady beat,
and it's not fibrillating!

HAWKEYE:
Hey, you did it!

-Congratulations, sir.
-Attaboy, Hunnicutt!

-Good one!
-All right, let's close.

Well, well, well.
Not a bad day's inventing,
Dr. Edison.

Oh, it's nothing
any creative genius
couldn't have done.

Now if I can just get
my own heart started again.

Dr. Hunnicutt,
one thing's bothering me.

-Does Peg like crowds?
-What? Why?

We got a lot of reporters
in the Mess Tent.

When I tell them
about your invention,

you're gonna be the man
in the news.

So you actually sort of had
to kill the guy to save
his life?

-Sorta, yeah.
-Interesting.

"Interesting"?
Wait. Excuse me.

This guy has just invented
a whole new system for
saving lives.

Listen, I think
that's terrific.

Uh, you really should
be proud of yourself.

But, if I call that in
to my editor,

he's gonna say,
"Okay, fine.

But what else have you got?"

-Are you, out of your mind?
-Hawk, forget it.

Peg doesn't like crowds anyway.

Sorry.
Oh, one more thing.

That town that you're from,
uh, Crabapple Cave?

-Cove.
-Uh, right.

Good thing I ran into you.

Well, so long.

Klinger,
I've signed the morning--

Great logs of Limburger!

Is this a desk
or a deli counter?

Both, sir.

Look at all
the great things I got

thanks to General Wilberforce.

I just rubbed his memo,
and they all appeared.

Don't you think you've
gone overboard a little?

Well, maybe I overreacted
a little.

But I knew the memo
would expire

right after the champ did.

You just made
one little mistake, son.

This food'll be spoiled
before you can eat it all.

Excuse me.
Are you folks expecting

a delivery from
General Wilberforce?

♪♪

♪♪ [theme]