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1
00:00:01,958 --> 00:00:03,351
♪♪ [theme]
2
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[chatter]
3
00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:59,450
Hang some plasma here
and prep his chest, stat.
4
00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:00,669
We'll squeeze you in,
but next time
5
00:01:00,712 --> 00:01:03,324
try to make an appointment.
6
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:05,369
Leg wound, Doctor.
Could be a fracture.
7
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,676
Well, well, a diagnosis
from young Dr. Houlihan.
8
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,156
I was just
trying to help.
9
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,766
Then leave the diagnosis
to me, huh?
10
00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:12,681
[clears throat]
11
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,639
All right,
get him to X-ray.
12
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,467
Leg wound.
Possible fracture.
13
00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,428
[chatter]
14
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:27,087
What's the story here?
I thought we had
the night off.
15
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:28,218
I bet they weren't
planning on this, either.
16
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:30,046
They're all
combat engineers.
17
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,961
We finished
the pontoon bridge
18
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:33,267
just in time for
the North Koreans
19
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:34,572
to use it for
mortar practice.
20
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:37,097
Huh. A bridge that
takes its own toll.
21
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:41,927
The most difficult operation
I performed all night
22
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:44,147
was sewing my eyelids open.
23
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:47,846
I was treating a kid who
had been shot four times,
24
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:49,935
and he saw me, and he said,
25
00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:51,850
"Boy, doc,
you look terrible."
26
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:56,203
[groans]
27
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,335
Something the matter,
Winchester?
28
00:01:58,379 --> 00:02:00,816
Mm, no, no, no, no, no.
Everything's just peachy.
29
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,078
I'm going to
drink my coffee
30
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,340
as soon as
the spoon dissolves.
31
00:02:03,384 --> 00:02:05,168
He's been a gloomy Gus
all night.
32
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,910
-Sequel to being
a sourpuss all day.
-[groans]
33
00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:09,172
What's going on there,
Winchester?
34
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,218
You got a little twinge
in your tusk?
35
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:14,743
Oh, no. Everything's fine.
Nothing wrong with my mouth.
36
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,484
Then try to keep
a civil tongue in it.
37
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:17,833
Try keeping yours shut.
38
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,443
See?
39
00:02:19,487 --> 00:02:21,402
I knew he couldn't stay
in a bad mood forever.
40
00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:22,446
Excuse me. Have you
seen Colonel Potter?
41
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:24,318
I'm afraid I have.
42
00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:29,105
You must be Colonel Potter.
43
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,325
At this time of the night,
I'll take your word for it.
44
00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,936
Major Weems,
358 Combat Engineers.
45
00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:37,679
A-ha. I believe
a number of your boys
just signed our guest book.
46
00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:40,029
-In blood, unfortunately.
-How are they doing?
47
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,639
Well, the returns
aren't all in yet,
48
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:42,945
but it looks like they're
gonna pull through.
49
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:45,252
Yeah. We got pounded
pretty bad again.
50
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:48,037
You fellas
ought to think about
relocating your business.
51
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,257
-I hear Florida's nice.
-[chuckles]
52
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,781
I couldn't agree
with you more. Thank you.
53
00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:56,785
I told Command
this bridge wasn't worth
all the casualties.
54
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:59,788
Their response was,
"Strategically imperative
55
00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:01,442
until
operationally rescinded."
56
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,835
Mm. Direct from
the double-talk room
of the Pentagon.
57
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,489
Do you want some coffee,
Major?
58
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,230
Yeah. Thanks.
59
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,710
You think I could
see my men now?
60
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:11,452
You came to see your men
at 3:00 in the morning?
61
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:13,149
I know it's late,
but these, uh--
62
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,672
these men are
special to me.
63
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,718
They need their sleep.
I'll bet you do too.
64
00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:19,024
How about at the first
cock-a-doodle?
65
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:21,505
There's a spare bunk
in our tent.
66
00:03:21,549 --> 00:03:22,550
I'm sold.
67
00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,247
Ohh, oh-ho.
68
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:36,825
[grunt]
69
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:00,892
I believe
you've already met
Major Winchester,
70
00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:03,330
our official ambassador
of bad will.
71
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:05,549
-Not officially.
How do you do, Major?
-[gasping]
72
00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,116
A simple hello would do.
73
00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:11,294
Don't mind him.
He's not having
a toothache.
74
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:12,861
That's your bunk over there.
75
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,906
You like your mattress
with one lump or two?
76
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:18,693
Oh, that's a big step up
from a foxhole.
77
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,610
I haven't had a day off
in five months.
78
00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:24,046
If you want
a couple of days' rest,
79
00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:25,308
we'll be glad to
put you down for
80
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,397
48 hours' worth of
24-hour flu.
81
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,834
Oh, that's tempting.
82
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:32,881
The only trouble is,
I feel guilty sleeping
in a bed
83
00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:36,101
when the only way
my men get one is
by getting wounded.
84
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:38,756
You know, Major,
we don't often bump
into combat officers
85
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,802
who have time to visit
their wounded.
86
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,499
I've always thought
there was more
to being a C.O.
87
00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:45,067
than just
barking out orders.
88
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:48,200
Oh, I better sack out.
See you in the morning.
89
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,594
Yeah, we'll leave
a wake-up call for peacetime.
90
00:04:51,682 --> 00:04:53,467
Night.
91
00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:58,472
[Charles groaning]
92
00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,038
Beej, don't forget.
In the morning,
93
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,258
it's your turn
to milk Charles.
94
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,826
-Increase his morphine
to a quarter grain.
-Yes, Doctor.
95
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,567
[groans]
By the way,
96
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,482
has the elixir of codeine
arrived yet?
97
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,788
-It just came in
this morning.
-Good.
98
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:13,661
Are you going to give him
codeine on top of morphine?
99
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,706
If I want another
doctor's opinion,
100
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:17,882
I will call for
Nurse Houlihan.
101
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:20,232
-Morning, Doc.
-I don't want to
talk about it.
102
00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:21,712
Believe me,
you're better off.
103
00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:26,543
How's he doing?
104
00:05:26,587 --> 00:05:29,329
He's gonna be okay.
He should be coming
around soon.
105
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:31,766
I'm sorry this
had to happen, son,
106
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:35,117
and I'm going to see to it
that it doesn't happen again.
107
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,727
You're going home.
108
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,950
Uh, he's not hurt
that badly.
109
00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:43,473
I'd go easy with the
"going home" talk.
110
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:48,696
How's Sturdivant doing?
111
00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:51,394
He wasn't as lucky.
He got hammered pretty hard.
112
00:05:51,438 --> 00:05:53,962
How soon before
I get him back?
113
00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:56,530
You won't.
From here he goes to
the 121st evac.
114
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,488
Before he knows it,
he'll be stateside
115
00:05:58,532 --> 00:06:00,229
looking for himself
in the newsreels.
116
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:02,318
Are you sure?
117
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,973
He's a crackerjack
heavy-equipment man.
118
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,540
Yeah, well, I'm sorry,
119
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,977
but there's no place to hang
an I.V. on a bulldozer.
120
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:12,589
You'll be getting
Dorsey back.
121
00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:16,158
Well, wait a minute.
This isn't a trade-off.
122
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:17,420
After what Dorsey's
been through,
123
00:06:17,464 --> 00:06:19,509
he's earned
a trip home too.
124
00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:23,339
Come here,
come here.
125
00:06:27,648 --> 00:06:29,432
Look, as far as
I'm concerned,
126
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,608
everybody who's not Korean
ought to go home,
127
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:34,002
but Dorsey just doesn't
qualify medically.
128
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:35,438
Captain,
give the kid a break.
129
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:37,484
Major, he's not
that seriously wounded.
130
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:41,009
All right, Captain,
I'll tell you
why I'm concerned.
131
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:43,881
Corporal Dorsey's from
a very poor family.
132
00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:47,363
He's an only child,
and it's a real hardship
on his parents
133
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,321
not to have him working
on their farm.
134
00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:53,238
All right.
I--I'll see what I can do.
135
00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:54,936
Thanks.
136
00:06:54,979 --> 00:06:56,764
I had a feeling
I could count on you.
137
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,291
Ah.
138
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:06,121
What have you got there,
Major?
139
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,079
Margaret, how nice being
sneaked up on by you.
140
00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:10,125
What was that that you just
put in your pocket there?
141
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:12,954
-My hand. See?
-I saw you with a bottle
of medicine.
142
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:15,347
Aha. Formerly a doctor,
now a detective.
143
00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:17,785
I'm in charge of
the inventory here,
144
00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:20,614
and if you don't
hand over that bottle,
I'll have to report you.
145
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:23,486
Bo-- Oh, yeah.
You must mean this.
146
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,836
It's merely a
pharmaceutical aperitif
for one of my patients.
147
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,621
I saw you take
a drink, Major.
148
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,623
Major, it won't hold up
in court.
149
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:32,408
-It's your tooth, isn't it?
-Aha! Now you're a dentist.
150
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,672
No, I'm not a dentist,
but how long has it been
since you've seen one?
151
00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:38,501
As it happens, I had
a thorough examination
152
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:40,634
complete with X-rays
a mere seven years ago.
153
00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:42,331
I remember it as though
it were yesterday.
154
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:44,768
-You're afraid, aren't you?
-Pure piffle!
155
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:47,510
Woman, a Winchester
can stare adversity
square in the mouth,
156
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,512
even when it
involves techniques
157
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:51,601
which have remained
unimproved since the
Spanish Inquisition.
158
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,647
But rest assured,
I am not afraid.
159
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:56,606
Charles, this is the '50s.
There is novocaine.
160
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:59,174
Come on,
stop being such a baby
and go see a dentist.
161
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:01,481
Margaret, I have had
minor aches before,
162
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:03,613
and I know from experience
this will pass.
163
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:05,615
I can see this is
a lost cause.
164
00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:07,661
Thank you for
giving up on me.
165
00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:10,402
Margaret, now please,
not a word about this
to anyone, huh?
166
00:08:10,446 --> 00:08:13,014
Since you're so certain
this too shall pass,
167
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,450
you won't be
needing these anymore.
168
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,539
[stammering]
Where are you going
with that?
169
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,410
Uh, well, all you need
is a little time.
170
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,151
That bottle you have
in your pocket
171
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,066
should last, oh,
a couple of days.
172
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:23,546
-Isn't that right?
-Absolutely.
173
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,417
Probably I won't even
finish this one.
174
00:08:25,461 --> 00:08:27,028
-[chuckles]
-Fine.
175
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:28,812
[groans]
176
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,473
You should have been
in the paratroopers,
Dorsey.
177
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,562
I've never seen anyone
who can jump so well.
178
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,564
I got lucky. Come on,
I'll give you another chance.
179
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,566
No, I have to be going.
180
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,873
We'll continue
the massacre tomorrow.
181
00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,875
Sure thing, Father.
182
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:50,791
Increase the dosage
to 20,000 units.
183
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:52,053
How's Sturdivant
doing?
184
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:54,142
No improvement.
185
00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:55,709
Looks like Dorsey's
doing better.
186
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:57,798
Well enough to beat the pants
off me four times.
187
00:08:57,841 --> 00:08:59,582
And I thought you were
the king of "kinging."
188
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,628
Oh, I'm afraid
the king is dead.
189
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,500
-Hey, Father?
-Yeah?
190
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,503
What would you think of
recommending Dorsey for
a hardship discharge?
191
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,896
Why?
What's the problem?
192
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:11,638
Well, his family's
pretty strapped,
193
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:13,161
and they need him
to help out.
194
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,206
Yes, I can imagine
it isn't easy
195
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,468
with all those mouths
to feed.
196
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,166
What mouths?
197
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:20,429
He just showed me a picture
of his family in Brooklyn.
198
00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:22,823
He's got five little
brothers and sisters.
199
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,129
Anyway, yes, I'll--
I'll speak to him
in the morning.
200
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:27,610
Well, wait, wait.
Let's not be too hasty.
201
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,917
There's a few things
I want to check out first.
202
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:36,532
Your, uh-- Your
checkers patsy
203
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,012
tells me you're
from Brooklyn.
204
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,143
Yeah, that's right.
205
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:42,756
I had a friend in med school
from Brooklyn.
206
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:46,411
He came from, uh... I think
it was McDonald Avenue.
207
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:48,762
-Yeah, that's in Flatbush.
-What about you?
208
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:51,286
I'm from Bed-Stuy.
Bainbridge Street.
209
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:53,375
Your family still there?
210
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,725
Yeah, all seven of them. Why?
211
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,510
Is there any reason
212
00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:00,164
why your C.O. would think
you live on a farm?
213
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,557
You been talking to my C.O.?
214
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,819
You're a pretty lucky soldier.
215
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,168
He seems like a terrific guy.
216
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:05,256
Oh, you think so, huh?
217
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:06,649
Well, I guess
218
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,433
everybody's entitled
to their own opinion.
219
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:09,696
What's the matter?
You have a problem with him?
220
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:15,092
My only problem
is that I'm tired.
221
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:18,748
Now if you'll excuse me,
I think I'd like to turn in.
222
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:29,629
You got a C.O. who wants
to send a kid home--
223
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,805
so much so he's
willing to lie about it,
224
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,981
and not only is the kid
not grateful,
225
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,983
he doesn't even
like Weems.
226
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,724
Maybe Dorsey's
a malcontent,
227
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,290
and Weems wants
to ship him out.
228
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,770
No, no, no, no.
Speaking as a malcontent,
229
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:42,424
he didn't strike me
as the type.
230
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,861
So what if Weems feels guilty
because he got the kid shot?
231
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:47,690
If that were the case,
he'd want to drive Sturdivant
home personally.
232
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,431
-He wants to keep
Sturdivant.
-Sturdivant?
233
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,389
He's the white kid,
isn't he?
234
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:59,484
How could it be racial?
It doesn't even make sense.
235
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:02,096
Sending Dorsey home
is the biggest favor
he could do for him.
236
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:04,011
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention. Attention,
all personnel.
237
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,840
Incoming wounded.
No surgeon should be
without one.
238
00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:08,755
I'll be right there.
I'm in the shower!
239
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,191
At least you won't
have to scrub.
240
00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:13,716
They knocked
the bridge out again.
241
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,328
Combat engineers?
242
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:18,721
MAN: Yeah. Three more.
243
00:11:22,072 --> 00:11:23,683
[groaning]
244
00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:28,775
Uh.
245
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:31,734
I'm looking for Mr. Jong.
246
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,170
I am he.
And you are who?
247
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:35,346
I'm Major Charles
Emerson Winchester,
248
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:36,783
the neighborhood MASH.
249
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,436
Our mutual friend
Rosie of Rosie's bar
250
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,524
referred me to you.
251
00:11:39,568 --> 00:11:42,266
Oh, yes, Rosie.
Fine woman.
252
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:45,443
-Any friend of hers is
a customer of mine.
-Oh.
253
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:52,929
Uh, Rosie said that you
cured her of lumbago.
254
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,931
What did you
give her for it?
255
00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:57,281
Oh, mixture of ginseng,
powdered deer horn,
256
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,979
and other secret herbs.
257
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:02,504
Mm. It's a very interesting
place you have here.
258
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:06,508
Most, uh, medical facilities
are so... sterile.
259
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,292
Oh, thank you.
260
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,817
Now, why have you
come to me?
261
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:14,951
[clears throat]
Rosie said you work wonders
with all kinds of pain.
262
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:18,128
I have a throbbing problem
with my tooth.
263
00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:19,739
Have you seen a dentist?
264
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,784
No. I-- No.
265
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:23,743
That's precisely
why I've come to you.
266
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:26,136
You use no instruments
of any kind,
is that correct?
267
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,878
All I use
is what you see.
268
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,619
Only products of nature.
269
00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:33,100
Secrets herbs and roots.
270
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:37,017
Hmm. It's just--
It's just fascinating.
271
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:38,496
What does this, uh, cure?
272
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:39,802
Hunger. That's my dinner.
273
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,978
-Oh.
-Now let me see.
274
00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,980
Hmm. Toothache.
275
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:48,202
Toothache. Toothache.
276
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:52,597
-Here.
-Now you take this home.
277
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:55,339
-Yeah?
-And put in one quart
boiling water.
278
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:57,602
-One quart water.
-Cook for half hour.
279
00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:00,344
-Uh-huh.
-Drink one cup every hour.
280
00:13:00,388 --> 00:13:02,259
Uh-huh. Uh, yeah. Okay.
281
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:04,174
What's in here?
282
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:06,089
Mixture of ginseng,
powdered deer horn,
283
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,351
and other secret herbs.
284
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,353
Oh.
285
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,661
Uh, that's what you gave
Rosie for lumbago.
286
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:15,882
You notice, Rosie's
tooth also never hurt.
287
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:19,059
Well, you're sure
this will work?
288
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:21,583
I stake my reputation on it.
289
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:24,412
And when tooth is okay,
you come back.
290
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:26,414
I give you something
to grow hair.
291
00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:30,026
[boiling]
292
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,293
[groan]
293
00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:41,211
26 out of 40?
294
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:44,258
Thanks a lot, Barney.
Any time you need anything--
295
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,955
Sorry, can't help you there.
296
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,565
You gotta talk to
the nurses directly.
297
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,785
That's it.
We're all out of MASHes.
298
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,439
Okay,
what do you got?
299
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:54,616
Bingo. Only 11% of Weems'
unit are Negroes.
300
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,140
They suffer 46%
of the casualties.
301
00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:59,621
There were better odds
in Uncle Tom's Cabin.
302
00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:01,536
-I actually liked that guy.
-He fooled everybody.
303
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,451
All the medical units
I talked to
304
00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,409
said what a great guy
Major Weems is.
305
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,324
Always came to visit
his wounded.
306
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:10,371
This guy is giving the army
two faces for the price of one.
307
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:12,155
[groans]
308
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,942
Ah, mashed potatoes,
huh, Major?
309
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,770
-Now there's a meal you can
sink your teeth into.
-[chuckles]
310
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:20,424
[whimpers]
311
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:22,774
Winchester, are you
in excruciating pain,
312
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,820
or are you just
being yourself?
313
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,170
I-- I merely slept wrong,
sir. It's my jaw.
314
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:30,391
If you don't get that chopper
checked, it'll abscess,
315
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,088
and I'll be out
one surgeon.
316
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:35,178
Sir, I swear to you, there's
absolutely nothing wrong.
317
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:38,007
You're lying through
what's left of your teeth.
318
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,182
I am not.
319
00:14:39,226 --> 00:14:40,444
In that case,
320
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:42,098
I owe you an apology.
321
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,099
I accept.
322
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,971
Back where I come from,
323
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:47,451
when one man
wrongly accuses another,
324
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:49,584
he is expected to
atone for it,
325
00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:51,455
and seeing as how the cook
326
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:54,632
slipped his old C.O.
a preview of Sunday's dessert,
327
00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:57,461
the least I can do
is pass it on to you.
328
00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:59,899
You like ice cream,
Winchester?
329
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,989
Oh, gee. No, sir,
I couldn't.
330
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,033
Why not?
331
00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:05,469
Because
332
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:08,429
my mother never
let me have dessert
333
00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:11,084
-until I'd finished
all my vegetables.
-Well, well.
334
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:14,826
Seeing as I outrank Mommy,
eat this.
335
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:18,265
I'd love to.
336
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:22,269
Oh! It's strawberry.
It gives me hives.
337
00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:24,924
We'll top it off with
some calamine lotion.
338
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,490
-Now start shoveling.
-But, Colonel, I--
339
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,449
Present... spoon!
340
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,808
Mmm.
341
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:42,767
Satisfied?
342
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:44,421
Well, I'll be darned.
343
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:47,294
If you'll excuse me,
Colonel.
344
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,949
I think I've had enough.
Good afternoon, sir.
345
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:55,345
Gentlemen.
346
00:15:56,738 --> 00:15:58,044
Colonel.
347
00:15:58,087 --> 00:15:59,697
I guess that molar's
on the mend.
348
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:02,048
[Charles screams]
349
00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:05,268
That tears it. I'm getting
him a dentist right now.
350
00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:06,835
-Wait a minute, Colonel.
-We've got something
351
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:08,315
a little more painful
to deal with.
352
00:16:11,666 --> 00:16:13,450
[groans]
353
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:27,073
-Sure is a nice night.
-Mm-hmm.
354
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,292
Except right here.
355
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:32,774
Smells like somebody
held chemistry class
in a sweat sock.
356
00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:35,820
-Mm-hmm.
-[Charles groans]
357
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:39,650
-Keep it down to
a dull moo, Charles.
-Evening, boys.
358
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:42,218
See you're just
sitting and rocking on
the front porch tonight.
359
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:43,611
-Yeah.
-Have a crate.
360
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:46,005
-Don't mind if we do. Major?
-Thank you.
361
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:48,616
[Charles groans]
362
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:51,923
Whew! Little gamy
around here.
363
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:55,144
Haven't smelled
anything this bad
since Rosie had lumbago.
364
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,146
Major, I'll bet
you're here to see how
365
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,495
your latest casualties
are doing, huh?
366
00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:00,932
We just came
from post-op.
367
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:02,325
Covington doesn't
look good at all.
368
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:05,285
The chest wound? Yeah,
he took a lot of shrapnel.
369
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:06,590
I think he'll pull through,
and he'll be--
370
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,505
he'll be on his way home.
371
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,246
Thank God for that.
372
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:12,074
Boy, it just seems
373
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,945
no matter how many times
you go through this,
374
00:17:13,989 --> 00:17:15,121
it never gets any easier,
huh?
375
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:18,080
What about Morehead and Sims?
376
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,473
We won't know till morning.
377
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:22,084
See what you can do
about getting Sims home.
378
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:23,738
He's only two points
short anyway,
379
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:26,088
and I'd sure as hell
hate to have to see him
380
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,524
put his butt back up
in the line.
381
00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:29,091
With all due respect,
Major,
382
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:31,659
I know you're a
fair-minded man.
I am too,
383
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:35,576
but I also feel
charity begins at home,
with your own kind.
384
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,665
You know what I mean?
385
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:39,406
I'm not sure that I do.
386
00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:42,452
Well, first you tried
to get Pierce here
to pull strings
387
00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:44,498
to get that Dorsey boy
sent home,
388
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:46,543
and now you're
trying to get us
389
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:49,329
to send two more
of them stateside.
390
00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:52,462
-"Them"?
-It just seems to be
391
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:55,770
a little dark in post-op,
if you get my drift.
392
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:00,688
Aw, Colonel, it's supposed
to be happy hour.
393
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:02,081
Why don't we
just have a drink?
394
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,039
-Major?
-It's a good idea. Thanks.
395
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,997
Well, what's
the problem, Pierce?
396
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:07,912
Everybody's entitled
to his own opinion.
397
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:10,698
Just because Truman
desegregated the troops,
398
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,830
doesn't mean that I
have to agree with him.
399
00:18:12,874 --> 00:18:14,876
Come on, Colonel.
We've been all through this.
400
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,791
Face it.
What's done is done.
401
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,359
This man's army
just hasn't been the same
402
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:22,275
since our beloved president
signed that act in '48.
403
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:26,148
Yeah, I can't believe a man
from my very own home state
of Missouri
404
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:27,758
would pull something
like that.
405
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,020
Wouldn't you think
406
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:30,892
Harry S. would leave
well enough alone?
407
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,850
-Amen.
-Oh?
408
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:36,506
Everything was fine
till Uncle Sam
burnt the toast.
409
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:38,987
Well, if we're all
simpatico here,
410
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:41,555
how come you're sending
those boys home
411
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,644
via your own
Underground Railroad?
412
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:46,908
It's very simple.
413
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,999
I don't want them
in my unit.
414
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:54,959
Well, ain't you
the shrewd cookie?
415
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:57,136
I'm not the kind of man
who sits by
416
00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,354
while others
mess around with
417
00:18:58,398 --> 00:19:00,182
the natural order
of things.
418
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,358
The government might be
able to force 'em on me,
419
00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:05,318
they can't tell me
what to do with them.
420
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:08,799
Nobody tells me who
I have to eat, sleep,
and fight with.
421
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:10,801
So you send 'em off
on high-risk duty, huh?
422
00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:12,412
That way, they earn
more points.
423
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:14,153
They get rotated home faster.
424
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,894
-Or get wounded.
-Yeah, well...
425
00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:18,157
We didn't ask for them
to be here
426
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,245
in the first place,
right?
427
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,640
Well, what do you know?
We're all out of booze.
428
00:19:23,684 --> 00:19:26,556
What do you say
we step inside
for a nightcap?
429
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,515
Let's have a toast
430
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:30,647
to some good old-fashioned
American values.
431
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:32,649
-WEEMS: I'll drink to that.
-Shall I pour?
432
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:35,304
-[groans]
-Sorry, Charles, you've
had too much already.
433
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:38,264
Major,
care for another drink?
434
00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:40,483
I don't believe we've met.
435
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:42,311
Well, mercy me.
Where are my manners?
436
00:19:42,355 --> 00:19:45,096
Major Weems,
allow me to introduce
437
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,750
Major Quentin Rockingham.
438
00:19:46,794 --> 00:19:48,361
Major Rockingham is
439
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,885
the Deputy Assistant Chief
of Staff for Personnel
440
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:52,887
Headquarters I-Corps.
441
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:55,237
Sir.
442
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,326
Indeed a pleasure
to meet you.
443
00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:59,328
Major, do you have any idea
how appropriate it is
444
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,764
that we should meet
in a hospital?
445
00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:02,505
I don't understand.
446
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:04,899
-You make me sick.
-Amen.
447
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:08,032
Major, you're fighting
the wrong war.
448
00:20:08,076 --> 00:20:10,731
The Civil War ended
almost 100 years ago.
449
00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:13,168
In today's army,
there's no place for a bigot.
450
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,823
Bigot?
You've got it all wrong.
451
00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:18,521
Do I? What would you
call an officer
452
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,262
who assigns his men
to dangerous duty
453
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,046
on the basis of their race?
454
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:25,093
Weems, you look
white as a sheet.
455
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:26,529
Seems only fitting.
456
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:28,139
Now wait a minute, Major.
457
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:29,706
I don't think you
quite understand.
458
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,839
-Just let me explain.
-No, no, no, no, no.
459
00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:34,189
I think you
stated your case with
a great deal of eloquence,
460
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,886
and I'm sure
a court martial board
461
00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:36,931
will find it
equally impressive.
462
00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:39,673
Court martial? What?
463
00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:42,284
Since when is it
a court martial offense
464
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:45,113
to have a harmless chat
over a couple of drinks?
465
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,289
We did some research
on you and your unit
466
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,812
and came up with some
figures that indicate
467
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,379
that you're not
exactly harmless.
468
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,338
It seems that a Negro
in your command
469
00:20:52,381 --> 00:20:54,253
has a life expectancy
of a dead man.
470
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,736
It'll all come down
to my word against yours.
471
00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:02,261
-All four of us.
-Make that five.
472
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,178
Okay. Okay.
473
00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:09,050
Maybe I have been, uh--
474
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:13,489
a little one-sided
in my judgment, maybe,
475
00:21:13,533 --> 00:21:15,448
but believe me,
there's no need for
a court martial here.
476
00:21:15,491 --> 00:21:18,538
You've got a point.
A court martial would
take a lot of time.
477
00:21:18,581 --> 00:21:20,975
-That's right.
-And the sooner you're
out of here, the better,
478
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:22,933
so I'm gonna give you
another choice.
479
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:28,287
Sign this.
480
00:21:32,856 --> 00:21:34,858
Resign my commission?
481
00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:37,034
That's no choice. Either way,
I'm out of the army.
482
00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:38,949
Amen to that.
483
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:42,779
That's insane.
I won't do it.
484
00:21:42,823 --> 00:21:45,782
Then I'll have to put in a call
to the Judge Advocate General.
485
00:21:47,871 --> 00:21:50,831
At least give me the night
to think about it.
486
00:21:50,874 --> 00:21:52,833
Major, either you sign,
487
00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:56,358
or I'm gonna put in a call
to the J.A.G. right now.
488
00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:59,579
Either way, of course,
the choice is entirely
up to you.
489
00:22:05,715 --> 00:22:08,457
When my C.O. sees this,
he's gonna wanna know why.
490
00:22:08,501 --> 00:22:10,851
You can say it's for
personal reasons.
491
00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:13,114
Or we can say that it's
for personnel reasons.
492
00:22:13,157 --> 00:22:14,637
Are there any more
questions, Major?
493
00:22:25,648 --> 00:22:27,563
There used to be a time
494
00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:30,697
when you could tell
who your enemies were.
495
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:32,699
B.J.: So much for
the good old days.
496
00:22:32,742 --> 00:22:34,657
Well, now that that's over,
how about a drink?
497
00:22:34,701 --> 00:22:35,658
One for the road?
498
00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:40,881
[laughing]
Did you see that?
499
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:42,926
His eyeballs were
breaking out in a sweat.
500
00:22:42,970 --> 00:22:44,406
Colonel,
you were terrific.
501
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,190
Well, I've seen
so many of those birds,
502
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:48,062
I've got the act
down pat.
503
00:22:48,105 --> 00:22:49,759
But the Oscar
goes to Quentin here
504
00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:52,675
for best impersonation
of a major by a captain.
505
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:54,590
[laughing]
506
00:22:54,634 --> 00:22:57,332
Well, Colonel,
you can believe me,
it was my pleasure.
507
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,681
-Major--
-Sir?
508
00:22:58,725 --> 00:23:00,683
I want to thank you for
the use of your leaves.
509
00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:03,817
Any time. I thought
your performance
was outstanding.
510
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:06,646
It was a pleasure
watching you make
that man suffer.
511
00:23:06,689 --> 00:23:09,039
Oh, Charles,
the show's not over yet.
This one's a double feature.
512
00:23:09,083 --> 00:23:11,912
-What do you mean?
-I guess this calls for
another howdy-doody.
513
00:23:11,955 --> 00:23:15,785
Dr. Winchester, M.D.,
meet Dr. Rockingham, D.D.S.
514
00:23:15,829 --> 00:23:17,439
Dentist!
515
00:23:17,483 --> 00:23:19,441
If you liked him as
the firm but fair major
516
00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:20,877
in "Gone With the Weems,"
517
00:23:20,921 --> 00:23:23,750
you'll love him as
the warm but tender dentist
518
00:23:23,793 --> 00:23:25,273
in "A Yank in Korea."
519
00:23:25,316 --> 00:23:27,188
Oh, no. God, no.
520
00:23:27,231 --> 00:23:29,277
-You don't have to drop
your jaw yet, Charles.
-No, no.
521
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,192
-Let's go, Charles.
It's this way.
-Iniquitous--
522
00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:33,368
Winchester,
you've got two choices.
523
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,196
Either him or the doorknob.
524
00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:36,632
-Follow us, Captain.
-Come on.
525
00:23:36,676 --> 00:23:37,894
-Colonel.
-Thank you, Quentin.
526
00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:44,031
We had no idea
it would be so painful.
527
00:23:44,074 --> 00:23:45,598
We figured
it was just gonna be your
528
00:23:45,641 --> 00:23:46,860
everyday, run-of-the-mill
dental work.
529
00:23:46,903 --> 00:23:48,775
You poor man,
to suffer so.
530
00:23:48,818 --> 00:23:50,690
I'm sure it'll be
a fast recuperation.
531
00:23:50,733 --> 00:23:52,866
And I doubt there's
any nerve damage.
532
00:23:52,909 --> 00:23:56,522
It's happened before,
but only with baby teeth.
533
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:58,437
Well, you see what
happens when you don't
give him a balloon?
534
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,482
I am terribly embarrassed,
Doctor.
535
00:24:00,526 --> 00:24:02,484
It was purely
a reflex action.
536
00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:05,095
I have very primitive
biting instincts.
537
00:24:20,807 --> 00:24:22,548
♪♪ [theme]
40706
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