All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S10E07 - Snap Judgment (1) (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Hot diggity! Another ringer
for the old warhorse.

No fair, Colonel.
You're invincible.

The only one who
could ever whup me

in horseshoes was Mildred.

But then, I could take her
two out of three

in arm wrestling.

The essence of
a good marriage
is mutual respect.

Watch this.

-[laughing]
-Oh, rats!

I'd even the score
in golf, Colonel,

if some lowlife hadn't
stolen my clubs.

That shouldn't affect
your score

as long as they didn't
steal your eraser.

The way things are going,

they'll be walkin' off
with that pretty soon.

Around here, a crime wave
isn't hard to understand.

With so many people
violating

"thou shalt not kill,"

"thou shalt not steal"
seems rather paltry.

Ah, horseshoes!

That explains why Sophie's
trotting around in mukluks.

Hush! Where's
your horseshoe etiquette?

I'm just a leaner away
from immortality.

Beyond immortality!
What a streak!

If Mildred were here,

I'd even give her
a run for her money.

What have you got there,
Klinger?

A package just came in

addressed
to "Chief Surgeon."

-Dr. Chief Surgeon to you.
-Who's it from, Chief?

"Central Avenue Photo,
Highland Park, Illinois."

Maybe it's those missing reels
from David and Sheba's bath.

Oh, goody.
The underwater scenes.

Here, you read, I'll open.

"Dear, sir.
I am sending this gift

"as a small token
of my gratitude

"to the surgeon
who saved my boy, Gregor.

"Please see
that he gets this,

along with
my everlasting thanks.

Sincerely yours,
Dimitry Popadopalous."

Hey, look at this.

-It's a Polaroid.
-Looks like a camera to me.

It is. The new kind that
develops its own pictures.

I've heard of those.
It's like it's got its
own little drugstore inside.

Popadopalous.
Gregor Popadopalous.

This is fantastic!
You can get a finished
picture in 60 seconds.

Will wonders never cease.
I still can't get used
to indoor plumbing.

How am I ever
going to thank him?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Get your hands off my camera!

What do you mean,
your camera?

I did the bowel resection
on Popadopalous.

I remember kidding him
about his long name.

I said he needed
two dog tags.

Oh, yeah? Well, if
your memory is so perfect,

how come you don't remember
that I'm the one

who patched the artery
in his leg?

Just look at you.

A boy's father makes
a gesture of thanks,

and this is
the thanks he gets?

Sounds to me like that camera
belongs to the both of you.

If you can't buy that,
I'll be glad to cut it in half.

Uh, how does it feel
to be the co-owner

of a Polaroid Land Camera?

Yeah, okay,
you can be co-owner,

but I get to use it first.

-Why you?
-Because I know photography.

-Oh, you do, do you?
-Like the back of my hand.

I don't understand it.
What are we doing wrong?

Everything.

Well, how are
the photogs coming?

Brilliantly.
Pierce is demonstrating

his mastery of black
and what photography.

Oh, really? And I suppose
you could do better?

I could.
So could J. Fred Muggs.

Major, are you familiar
with this equipment?

No, Father. I restrict
my expertise to cameras.

I have a superb
collection

of the finest
German equipment

including Rolleiflex,
Leica, of course.

Major, looks like you
and I are fellow shutterbugs.

Except I always buy American.
I got me a Brownie Hawkeye.

Oh, really? Why don't
you come by sometime?

I'll autograph it.

Sorry to interrupt
the photo session,

but we've got wounded
on the way.

From one bleak picture
to another.

You know, I took a snap back
home I'm really proud of.

Keep it right on the mantle.
It's a pony with a hat on.

- Oh. You are indeed an artist.
- Oh! Thank you.

And another time, Mildred
and I were up on Heavenly Hill.

There was this big full moon,
and suddenly it hit me.

I took my trusty Brownie
and had Mildred stand just so.

Then I snapped off a few...

and doggone if they don't look

just like Mildred's holdin'
herself a handful of moon.

Old soldiers never die,
they just keep taking snapshots.

Nurse, I'm a little
concerned about all
the dirt

we're flushing out
of this wound.

How's the penicillin
holding up?

Well, what hasn't been stolen
is locked up in the storeroom.

Damn thieves. They won't
get their hands on this batch

if I have to sleep with it
under my pillow.

If you need more penicillin,
I'll get it for you.

Yes, do.
We will be needing it.

Your Rx is my command.

Hey, Hawk, this looks
more like Father Mulcahy

than your photograph does.

Ha ha, Hunnicutt.

Don't forget,
they laughed at Edison.

They laughed at Fulton.

-They laughed at Pinky Lee.
-You just wait.

It will be only minutes

before I master
60-second photography.

Sixty-second photography?

Does Pierce have
a Polaroid?

Yeah. Clamp.

Can you imagine
someone getting excited

about a thing
like that?

A Polaroid?

Come on! Come on, everybody!
Tall ones in the back!

No, no, no, not you.
You're too short.

Stay where you are.
Get in the second row, Roy.

Leave some space
in the middle there for me.

This first one's going
stateside to my mother.

Klinger, do that one more time
and you'll never see those
fingers again!

Okay, come on now,
everybody, be happy!

If you tell me to say "cheese,"
I will tell you "good-bye."

Quiet, Winchester.

And tilt your head a little.
We're getting some glare off it.

Major, I don't think
you're doing this right.

It ought to be boy, girl,
boy, girl.

Please, Colonel,
let me handle this.

Pierce! Hunnicutt!
I've done my part!

Now get out here
with your camera!

How could you
just go to O.R.

and leave it
on the bed?

How could I leave
something

you wouldn't let me
get my hands on?

-Out of spite!
-All right, boys.

-What's all the tumult?
-The camera's been stolen!

-What?
-[crowd clamoring]

Probably a representative
of the society

from the Prevention
of Cruelty to Film.

What do you mean stolen?

Our resident klepto
must have lifted it
while we were in O.R.

Damn it! I've had it
up to my eyebrows

with all this filching.

And I'm gonna do
something about this

before we all end up
standing around in
our skivvies.

Easy, Colonel.
A camera can be replaced,

but blood pressure
is forever.

To hell with
my blood pressure!

-Klinger!
-Yes, sir.

Fill out that stolen goods
report on the camera.

-Klinger!
-Yo!

The thief was nice enough
to leave the box.

Come on. I'll give you
the serial number from it.

You M.P.'s, come with me.

I'm gonna get you boys
some reinforcements.

This thing is bigger
than both of you.

You imbecile!
How could you do this
to my mother?

You promised us steak
and this isn't it.

I know, because I carry
a picture of steak in my wallet

with the rest
of my loved ones.

I made that promise before
someone raided the icebox.

He stole all the beef
and just left the cold cuts.

-At least we know now
we're not dealing with an idiot.
-What's the war coming to?

Remember when
we first moved here?

You could go to bed
and leave your
tent unlocked.

At night, you could
walk through the minefield

without having
your wallet stolen.

Klinger, what do you hear
about our camera?

-Not a peep, sirs.
-You'd think after a week

they could at least
come up with a dead end.

The trouble is, the way
this crime wave is spreading,

I'm sure C.I.D. has more
of these reports than
it can handle.

So, we get lost
in the shuffle?

I'm not giving up
that camera without
a fight.

Oh, yes, of course I'll wait.

-In fact, I'll be glad to.
-That's tellin' him, Hawk.

There's no point
arguing with the clerk.

He's putting me on
with his superior.

-Hello, Corporal? Now we're
getting somewhere.
-Corporal.

Uh, my name is Pierce, Captain
Benjamin Franklin of MASH 4077.

I'm calling about
a stolen goods report

that I filed
on a Polaroid camera.

Uh, we... I filed it...

What? Uh, Polaroid.

It's a camera.
It developed its own pictures.

No, I'm not kidding you.
No.

No, this is not Crazy Al
of Special Services.

Would-- Would you just-- I'm--

Yeah.
[chuckles]

Yeah, I guess you could take
those kinds of pictures.

Yeah.
[chuckles]

Yeah. No, no, no.

No, I haven't taken one
because I don't have
the camera

because it's been stolen,
remember?

It would be faster
if we got Popadopalous
to send us another one.

I did file
a stolen goods report.

That's why I'm calling you.

Will you just check
into this?

Will you just check
in to it?

What?

Oh. I see-- I'm so--
His clerk takes care of this.

I should have known.

Hello, Private?
How've you been?

He told us he'd get
to the bottom of this.

Those guys are tough.

Their motto is "he who
hesitates gets promoted."

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

No, I see, I see.

Thank you.
Thanks very much.

-So, what's the story?
-Uh, Klinger, uh,

they're having
a little problem

with the stolen goods
report of yours.

What, they couldn't
read my typing?

They couldn't read it
because they didn't receive it.

-Are you sure you sent it?
-Of course.

I may be pathetic and inept,
but I ain't dumb.

That report was filled out
in triplicate and sent off
last week

and I can prove it
with my file copy.

Everything strictly
by the book.

"Stolen Good Reports."

Here we go.

Filed under "G"
for "Goniffed."

You can always tell
a Kelly Girl.

Here you go,
my file copy.

-C.I.D. copy.
-"I" Corps copy.

Oh, my God!

I distinctly remember
sending that stuff out.

What'd you do,
send empty envelopes?

I must have sent 'em
the carbon paper.

What an original mistake.

Look, I'm sorry.
I'll send it right away.

And I'll even postmark it
yesterday

-so it'll get there sooner.
-What's the point?

You've already given 'em
a week's head start.

We'll never see
that camera again.

That's a shame too,
'cause I'd really love

to take a picture of Klinger
doing his job.

I wouldn't have to worry
about him moving.

[door opens, closes]

[laughing]

♪♪ [Big Band]

Rosie.

-I need a favor.
-Sure, Klinger.

Anything for a friend
with $5.00.

I just wanna talk.

Okay, $3.00.

Where would
a guy sell, uh,

stolen merchandise
around here?

You talking
to the wrong person.

I'm strictly legit.

Okay, $5.00.

You heard of a place
called Little Chicago?

Little Chicago?
What's that?

Big place in field somewhere.
Just like Macy's,

except everything
there stolen from Gimbels.

-Black market, huh?
-Pitch black.

That sounds like
what I'm lookin' for.
Where is this place?

Always one step ahead
of the law.

You think MASH mobile?

This Little Chicago
really toddlin' town.

Where is it right now?

Uh-oh. Rosie's memory
seems to be slipping.

How much, uh,
to cure your amnesia?

Ah, Klinger,
you just like family.

Three dollars.

[chattering]

Fifty cent, G.I.,
very good.

This good.
Very good.

-MAN: This come in last week.
-WOMAN: G.I.

[chattering continues]

-Oh, $20. Okay, $20.
-Twenty dollars?

Ten, 10. Okay.
[speaking Korean]

Hey, this is the watch
I lost last year.
Where did you get it?

Wait a minute, G.I.
How do you know it's your watch?

Well, how many
Lady Benrus's do you have

that say Max Klinger
on the back?

This my last one.
Twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars?

Of course.
It's monogrammed.

Why do I have to pay
to buy my own watch back?

You no like it,
there's complaint department.

So what do you got
in cameras?

I got no cameras.

Try over there.

Good radio.
Thank you.

Hey, buddy, I'm lookin'
for a special kind of camera.

Makes its own pictures.
You push a button,

pull it out from
the other side

and wait a while and--

Oh, you mean Polaroid.

You lucky.
This brand-new.
Come in last week.

I had a feeling it did.
How much?

-For you, 80 bucks.
-Eighty bucks?

Forget it.
All I got is 50.

Okay, in that case, 75.
Take it or leave it.

I'm tellin' ya,
I've only got 50.

-How about 60?
-Sold.

♪ You ought to be
in pictures ♪

♪ You're beautiful
to see ♪

♪ You ought to be
in pictures ♪

♪ Oh, what a hit
you will be ♪

♪♪ [vocalizing]

♪ You're Jupiter and Mars

♪♪ [vocalizing]

♪ You're a star of stars

[engine off]

Hi, fellas.
What's goin' on?

Just setting up a routine check
of all vehicles, Corporal.

Well, check away.
Always willing to cooperate

with men carrying
automatic weapons.

What are you lookin' for?

C.I.D.'s comin' down hard

on all the stealing
that's been goin' on.

Yeah, well, you don't
have to tell me about
stolen merchandise.

Mind if I look at
that camera, Corporal?

Of course I don't mind.

But I think it's important
for you to know it was stolen.

♪♪ [humming]

Serial number
and initials match.

Corporal, are you aware
this camera's been stolen?

Yeah, sure.
I just found it and bought it.

It belongs to Captains
Pierce and Hunnicutt.

Well, I'll be seein' you.
Good luck with your roadblock.

Hold it, Corporal.

It says here it belongs
to Captains Pierce and
Hunnicutt.

You acquainted
with these men?

Acquainted? I'm the one
who filed the report.
I'm Max Klinger.

We got a report
filed here by

a Corporal Maxwell
Q. Klinger.

I am Maxwell Q. Klinger.

Boy, you got an answer
for everything,

don't you, fella?

All right, step out
of the jeep, soldier.

Oh, boy.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for

Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt.

I'm Hunnicutt,
he's Pierce.

You must be an M.P.
You have an arresting smile.

-Is this yours?
-Beej, look, our baby!

Oh, come to Papa.
I thought I'd never gaze
into that little lens again.

You're absolutely positive
this is your camera?

-Absolutely.
-Positively.

Look, it even has my B.F.P.
scratched right there.

Wait a minute. You scratched
your initials in our camera?

An old habit from summer camp
where initials are 9/10ths of
the law.

Well, don't forget that
5/10ths of the camera is mine.

Just sign this statement
identifying this as the item

-that you reported stolen.
-You bet.

I'll scratch
my initials on that too,
if you don't mind.

New camp habit.

Fine work, young man.

Glad to see somebody's
on the beam.

We like to work fast, sir.

See, we got the report
yesterday,

so you get
the camera back today.

We would have gotten it
a week ago

if Klinger had filed
that report when he
should have.

Is that so?

Would you initial
this here too, please?

Oh, I'd be happy to.

Where was the camera
finally found?

In a box of stolen
Cracker Jacks?

Did you nab
the desperado?

Yes, sir.
We caught him red-handed.

Boy, I'd like to get
my hands on that guy.

Who was the creep anyway?

Corporal Maxwell Klinger.

-[laughing]
-What, are you kidding?

Son, your helmet
must be a little snug.

Klinger's our company clerk.

See, in order to have
a criminal mentality,

one must first have
a mentality.

Sergeant, as commander
of this unit, I can

attest Klinger would
never take that camera.

Yeah, well, the neighbors
are always surprised.

We caught him dead to rights.

We're two
of his best buddies.

That may be,
but you're also gonna be

two of our best witnesses.

This is pretty
damning evidence.

-Wait a second!
-Sorry, Captain.

You got a problem,
you talk to C.I.D.

And so I took the M.P.'s back
to the spot

where Little Chicago was,
and the whole place was gone.

Not a trace.

It's been a long day
for you, hasn't it, son?

How would you like
to spend three hours

in a detention cell
with a drunken
Mongolian pickpocket?

He tried to lift
my wallet four times. Five.

Well, we all
wanted you to know

you've got
our complete support.

Does that include
the witnesses

for the prosecution?

Hey, wait a second.

All we did was tell
them it was our camera.

You also told them
that I held back

the stolen goods report
for a week.

We wouldn't have said
anything at all

if we'd known you were
the one who stole it.

Well, you know what I mean.

You guys are gonna be
wonderful on the stand.

Why don't we just call
the firing squad now

and avoid the rush?

I lay out 60 bucks tryin'
to help my friends,

and this is the thanks
I get.

Come on!
We're not ungrateful.

You know we'd never
get you in trouble.

Now, now, everybody calm down

and let grayer heads prevail.

Let's look at the facts.

Before the army gets involved
in a court-martial,

there's gotta be
an investigation.

Why? Colonel, I'm like
a son to you, aren't I?

The Lebanese lad
I never had.

And you know
I'd never lie to you

if the chips
were really down.

I'd bet my carcass on it.

Then, believe me, sir,

I didn't steal anything.

There. Now you don't
have to investigate me.

I wish it were
up to me, son,

but the army's got its
own way of doing things.

That's why they've
assigned an independent,

impartial investigator.

A total stranger?
Someone who's never
broken bread with me?

Never basked in the warmth
of my smile?

Klinger, put down the shovel.
You're innocent.

This investigator
will find out he's
on a wild-goose chase.

Oh, yeah? With my luck,
he'll be some weeny guy

who's just itchin'
for a chance

to get even for
the lousy hand
life dealt him,

who resents swarthy men
of action.

Excuse me, sir.
My wild goose is cooked.

So this is what he meant

when he said he was
a photography buff.

Aren't you a trifle
overexposed?

You were just supposed
to watch the camera.

Now, gentlemen,

I thought this would be
the perfect opportunity

to, uh, bring
my passport up to date.

In mere seconds,
I will show you

the proper use
of this toy.

-Forget it, Marlene.
-I'm really not in the mood.

I was before,
but I'm certainly not now.

I take it things
are not looking up
for our thief of Baghdad.

Oh, he'll be fine as long
as he doesn't find out

where the colonel hid
his razor.

One can hardly blame
Klinger.

Even the most inept
investigator's

gonna stumble onto
the shadowy career

of our dead-end kid cum laude.

He's right, you know.
The only reason
the army let him in

was because prison
turned him down.

What're we supposed to do?
Toss a blanket over him

until the investigator
leaves?

While you gentlemen ponder
the next chapter

of "Crime and Punishment,"

I will show you
a magnificent portrait of--

-B.J.: Your better half.
-[Hawkeye laughing]

They're here.

Klinger, this is the best
damn job of cataloging
I've ever seen.

No telling how many lives
you have saved. Hello.

Captain,
this is B.J. Hunnicutt,

-my esteemed colleague.
-Hi.

And this is Corporal
Maxwell Klinger,

our even more esteemed
company clerk.

Gentlemen,
this is Captain Triplett

from C.I.D.
headquarters.

Pleased to meet you,
Corporal.

Pleased to meet you, sir!

Corporal-- Oh, beg pardon.

I didn't know
we had company.

Colonel Potter,
meet Captain Arvin Triplett,

special investigator
from C.I.D.

-Pleased to meet you, Colonel.
-Likewise, Captain.

I'm afraid you caught me
in mid-paperwork.

Do you mind if I do
a little business
with my clerk?

-It won't take long.
-Certainly, Colonel.

Corporal, are this week's
requisitions ready for my--

Hancock, comma, John, sir!

Now, how are you coming
with that detailed inventory
of the supply room?

-All completed, sir.
-Isn't he unbelievable?

-Oh, he's a real paper tiger.
-Now for the really tough one.

Have you completed indexing
the patients' medical records
for the last year?

Oh, come on, Colonel,
he's only human.

Cross-indexed
to blood type, sir.

Also to height
and mother's maiden name.

Every so often,
I toss him a knuckleball,

but wouldn't you know it,
he always handles it.

No time for blushing, sir.

I'm off to post-op

to read to the soldiers
with eye damage.

Well, thanks to Klinger,

the rest of my day is free.
[chuckles]

Now what can I do you for,
Captain?

Well, if you don't mind,
Colonel,

I think I'd like
to go to my tent

-and unpack my things.
-Of course.

If Klinger hasn't beaten me
to it.

-Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.

And then Klinger said
to me,

"It's not the quantity
of souls in your parish

"but the quantity of souls
in your parish

that don't perish."

Yes. I've never forgotten
that, Captain.

How could anyone
forget that, Father?

I know I can't.
Can you?

No. It ranks right up there
with the Golden Rule.

Even under the burden
of his many responsibilities,

I can't look up
from one of my services

without seeing his smiling
countenance front row center.

Klinger is a comfort
to us all.

-Indeed.
-Indeed.

I think Klinger's record
speaks for itself, Father.

Wowee, Father,
they got cold cuts.

Yeah, that Klinger.
He's a real great guy.

Always comin' through for us.
See these fresh oranges?

Klinger traded six cases
of C-rations for 'em.

Thanks to those phony
labels he stuck on 'em,

the 8063rd thinks
they're gettin'
French pâté.

[laughs]

-What a guy.
-Yeah, what a guy.

Captain, here's
to your happy bon voyage

from the 4077th.

Yes, the 4077th...

home of Albert Schweitzer,

Joan of Arc,

and Champion the Wonder Horse

all rolled into
one Maxwell Klinger.

Yeah, well, you gotta admit,
he's quite a guy.

Congratulations, fellas.

In the short time
that I have been here,

you've managed to lay
on enough whitewash

to cover the Great Wall
of China.

No one's tried to insult
my intelligence this badly

since basic training.

Look, Captain.
We wouldn't have
whitewashed him

if we didn't think
he was a pretty
terrific guy.

Maybe we overdid it
a little,

but it's only because
we care about him.

You can't be with someone
day and night for months

without learning something
about his character.

Down to my bones,

I know that boy did
not swipe the camera.

Relax.
Klinger's off the hook.

-Huh?
-What do you mean?

I've found absolutely
no hard evidence

that points to
Corporal Klinger's guilt.

Oh. Now that's more like it.

Yeah, sure he's obviously

a top-notch finagler
and con artist,

but the army's full
of those.

Oh, this calls
for another round.

Rosie?

Let's have some drinks on me

to the man of the hour,
Captain Triplett.

Comin' up.
Oh, by the way,

when you see Klinger,
give him a message for me.

Tell him the heat is on.

C.I.D. is investigating
stolen goods.

So this bad time to sell
anything in Little Chicago.

Okay, I'll get
those drinks now.

No. Not for me.

I've just gone back
to work.

Max, it's moments
like this

when I wish I were still
a buck private

diggin' a trench
at Vimy Ridge.

Just lay it on the line,
Colonel.

Son, the official
recommendation

from Captain Triplett is
that within the next few days

you be brought up on charges
for a special court-martial.

Court-martial?

What'll they do to me
if I'm found guilty?

They'll probably
give you six months.

Well, at least the stockade
is safer than this place.

North Koreans
aren't gonna waste

their expensive
mortar rounds

on a license plate factory.

I don't wanna throw a dart
in that optimistic balloon
of yours,

but that's six months
at hard labor.

Hard labor.

I don't like either
of those words.

Get's worse, lad.
They'll slap you with
a dishonorable discharge,

which means
no vet benefits,

plus a civilian
criminal record

doggin' you for
the rest of your life.

♪♪

♪♪ [theme]