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♪♪ [theme]
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Okay! Okay!
Listen up! Mail call!
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00:00:58,362 --> 00:00:59,624
Get 'em while they're hot!
4
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,713
What's the story
with the newspapers?
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00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,759
I ain't seen
a Wall Street Journal
for two weeks.
6
00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:06,544
Nothing's changed.
There's still
no second-class mail.
7
00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:08,677
[all groaning,
overlapping chatter]
8
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,331
Don't start up with me again.
9
00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:11,941
Snow and sleet is one thing,
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00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:14,857
kneeing the mailman
is a federal offense.
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00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,467
Hold your water, folks.
12
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:18,382
There's no reason
to kill the messenger.
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He's been calling all over
14
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,951
trying to track down
those periodicals.
15
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:25,868
Besides, this is nothing.
Back in WWI,
16
00:01:25,911 --> 00:01:29,089
I went 19 Saturdays
without an Evening Post.
17
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:30,568
[all groaning, chattering]
18
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Thank you, sir. That story
never fails to move me.
19
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-MAN: So what's the poop?
-The only lead so far
20
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is that all second-class
mail to South Korea
21
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might have been sent
to South Dakota.
22
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,971
-[all groaning]
-Leesman.
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00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:44,104
Look, we're all
suffering from this.
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00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:46,106
For me, the worst of it is
25
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that Li'l Abner was just
about to pop the question
26
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,240
to Daisy Mae.
27
00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:53,113
For all I know, they're
already post-nuptializing
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00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:54,418
in the honeymoon suite
29
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,507
-of the Dogpatch Hilton.
-Papazian!
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Mercer, Foytack, Margolese.
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00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:03,775
Oh, Major Winchester,
package for you, sir.
32
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,690
Ah! Klinger, your
timing is perfect.
33
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:07,257
-What's in there, sir?
-Ah-ah-ah.
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00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:09,303
Curiosity
killed the clerk.
35
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:12,132
Moran. Potter.
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[rattling]
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Sounds
like those macaroons
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00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:16,223
the missus promised you,
sir.
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00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:18,225
Thank goodness they're not
rerouting the vittles.
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00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,922
If only these were
fortune cookies,
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00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,750
we'd have something
to read too.
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00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,012
Yarborough!
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[chuckling]
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[sighs]
45
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:32,978
[chuckling]
46
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[hums]
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[slurps]
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Charles!
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Morning, Hunnicutt.
Trust you slept well.
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00:02:52,215 --> 00:02:54,609
I'm not finished yet,
so stop slurping
51
00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:57,786
and snapping
your newspaper.
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00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,266
Newspaper?
53
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:02,182
Great!
54
00:03:02,225 --> 00:03:04,227
We're back on the army's
paper route again.
55
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:07,230
I'll finally get last month's
issue of Nude Volleyball.
56
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,797
[chuckles]
57
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,320
Any minute now,
58
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:12,192
I'll see Brunhilda
come bouncing in here.
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00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:15,151
[laughs] Put your libido
on hold, Pierce.
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00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,718
I'm afraid your
second-class mail
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00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,285
is still stacked up
over No-Man's-Land.
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00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:19,982
How come you got a newspaper?
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00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:21,244
Because the Boston Globe
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00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:23,290
does not travel second class.
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00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,987
I have a week's worth
sent from home
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00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:26,902
parcel post
by my sister Honoria
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00:03:26,945 --> 00:03:28,991
along with other
necessities of life.
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00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:31,776
-A week's worth?
-Imagine, Beej.
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00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:35,258
Little us, actually tent mates
with a great humanitarian
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00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:36,868
with newspapers to share.
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00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,348
He's more than a humanitarian,
he's a saint.
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He's more than a saint,
he's a fast reader.
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00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,221
I got dibs
on the sports section.
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00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:42,787
-I want the crossword puzzle.
-Gentlemen!
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00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:45,660
-Hey, hey, hey!
-Or should I say "children"?
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00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:48,010
When, and only when,
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00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:50,447
I have finished
this entire newspaper
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00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:51,840
you may have it.
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00:03:51,883 --> 00:03:53,668
That should be in
about an hour, two.
80
00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:56,410
That's fine. It'll probably
take us that long
81
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:57,672
to read all these
others over here.
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00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:00,979
No one will touch
any newspaper
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00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:04,026
until I have read it
first page to last.
84
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:07,290
And I read one,
and only one, per day.
85
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:08,596
Charles--
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00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:10,293
What is this,
the Korean newspaper torture?
87
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:11,686
You can read one a day.
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00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,165
Just let us read
these others first.
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00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:16,256
Gentlemen, tea
and an un-thumbed newspaper
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00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:18,693
are among the few remnants
of civilization
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00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,999
that enable me
to face the day
92
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:23,132
here in hell's outhouse.
93
00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:25,090
I refuse to give them up
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00:04:25,134 --> 00:04:27,528
simply because you suddenly
find yourselves
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00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:28,877
with nothing to read.
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00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,182
You have a choice:
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00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:32,663
one per day or none per day.
98
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:34,361
Oh, great!
99
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:36,363
I suppose we'll have to
scrub before we read them.
100
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,713
[chuckles]
That'd be ludicrous.
101
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:41,890
All I ask is that
this remain our secret.
102
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:45,285
We don't want to be disturbed
by hordes of little readers.
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00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,374
You will excuse me.
104
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,071
I have an appointment
with Joseph Alsop.
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00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,681
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention all personnel.
106
00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,814
Triage in the compound.
We have the finalists
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00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,685
in the shrapnel-catching
contest.
108
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:57,253
Sorry, Charles, we'll have
to interrupt your newspaper
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00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,863
for some late-breaking
bones.
110
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:01,649
-Well.
-NURSE: Emergency!
111
00:05:01,692 --> 00:05:03,172
-Emergency over here.
-Bandages over here.
112
00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:04,434
B.J.: Nurse!
113
00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:07,089
Another North Korean.
Bad chest wound.
114
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:08,743
Hi, there!
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00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,701
I hope the fact that I'm
on the side that shot you
116
00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:12,834
won't strain our
doctor-patient relationship.
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00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:15,358
Good morning,
Doctor and Mrs. America
and all the ships at sea.
118
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[imitates fanfare]
Dateline, Dogpatch.
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00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,362
Highly placed sources
at I-Corps have learned
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00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:21,669
that Li'l Abner and Daisy Mae
have tied the knot!
121
00:05:21,712 --> 00:05:23,453
-[cheers]
-Rats.
122
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:24,846
I've missed the wedding
of the century.
123
00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:26,804
Well, come on, Klinger.
Fill us in.
124
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:28,893
It's seems Li'l Abner vowed
he would only get married
125
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:31,679
if his ideal,
Fearless Fosdick,
would do it first.
126
00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:35,204
What, pray tell,
is a "Fearless Fosdick"?
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00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:37,337
Everybody knows
he's the gumshoe
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00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:39,208
with the ventilated
head, doofus.
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00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:41,079
And you call yourself
well-read?
130
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,820
Well, anyway,
Fearless got married,
131
00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:44,431
so, naturally,
Li'l Abner did too.
132
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,781
But the next day,
it turned out
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00:05:46,824 --> 00:05:48,696
that Fosdick's marriage
was a dream.
134
00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:51,089
Unfortunately,
for Li'l Abner,
it was real.
135
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,396
-Oh, no.
-I'm sure it's for the best.
136
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,703
That Daisy Mae
is a woman of quality.
137
00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:57,792
I'll bet she even
had her feet shined
for the wedding.
138
00:05:57,835 --> 00:06:00,142
Did your highly placed
sources tell you
139
00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:02,405
where our lousy
newspapers are?
140
00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:04,407
Sorry, folks,
there's no news tonight.
141
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:05,887
[all groaning]
142
00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:08,803
But fear not.
For your reading enjoyment,
143
00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,326
I'm hot on the trail
144
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,850
of a complete unabridged
library of army manuals.
145
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,591
[booing]
146
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:17,028
Okay. It's okay.
It's nothing. Believe me.
147
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:18,465
If I don't get something
to read soon,
148
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:19,944
I'll go crazy.
149
00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:21,990
Now, Major, in times
of stress we have to,
150
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:23,470
you know, tough it out.
151
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,385
Beej, have you noticed
how really well
152
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:26,734
Charles is bearing up
under the strain?
153
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,213
Isn't he amazing?
154
00:06:28,257 --> 00:06:29,867
-He doesn't make an issue.
-So relaxed.
155
00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:31,086
He's really showing us
what he's made of.
156
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,435
Gentlemen, I suggest
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00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,219
that both of you
tend to your knitting.
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00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:35,743
Do you read me?
159
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,048
Uh, retraction.
160
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:38,398
Not you.
161
00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:51,236
Ha! Father!
162
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:54,457
Ha! Imagine running
into you
163
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:58,287
sitting here reading
my paper.
164
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:01,421
Oh, yes. I was walking by
and, to my surprise,
165
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:03,684
I saw it lying there
on your bunk.
166
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,425
Couldn't resist
catching up on the news.
167
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,730
[chuckles]
168
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:08,689
-I hope you don't mind.
-Mind? No Mind?
169
00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:11,518
Why on earth should I mind?
170
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,345
Perhaps you'd be
more comfortable inside.
171
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:14,651
-Light's better.
-Oh, no.
172
00:07:14,695 --> 00:07:15,913
It's such a lovely day.
173
00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:17,480
That's
why I came outside.
174
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:20,091
Say, how did you
get hold of this?
175
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,920
The paper?
I received some fish.
176
00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:25,314
It was wrapped up in this.
177
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,490
Why don't you come inside,
Father?
178
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:28,796
I'll make you some tea.
179
00:07:28,839 --> 00:07:30,798
Oh, well,
that would be lovely.
180
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,364
-[chuckles]
-Father!
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00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:34,889
Where did you get
that newspaper?
182
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:36,630
Could I have
the fashion section?
183
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,022
Well, actually,
184
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,633
it belongs
to Major Winchester,
185
00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:41,591
but I'm sure he wouldn't
mind parting with it.
186
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:43,114
-Would you, Major?
-[Whimpers]
187
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,333
It's funny, you know?
188
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,074
It doesn't even
smell fishy.
189
00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:47,728
Well, lookee here!
190
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:49,599
It's been so long,
I wouldn't swear to it
191
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,428
but that looks a lot
like a newspaper!
192
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,690
-It's Major Winchester's.
-He was kind enough
193
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,083
to ask us in
to browse through it.
194
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,259
Well, mighty Samaritan
of you, Winchester.
195
00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:59,479
Don't mind helpin' myself
to the funnies.
196
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:01,132
-Here.
-Ho! Ha!
197
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:03,570
Hey, look at this!
A newspaper!
198
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:04,832
Hey! Where'd they get
a newspaper?
199
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,964
[murmuring]
200
00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:09,053
Hey, give me the classifieds!
I need a job.
201
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:10,968
Let me see Louella Parsons.
202
00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,796
-[chattering]
-Enough.
203
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,624
That's enough! Enough!
204
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:16,713
This is my newspaper.
205
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:18,062
I will not have it
passed around
206
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:19,586
like a bottle of cheap wine.
207
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,805
Major! Surely,
if you're fortunate enough
208
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:22,980
to have a newspaper,
209
00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,112
you're not going
to withhold it
210
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:25,243
from these people.
211
00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:26,941
-ALL: Yeah!
-[chattering]
212
00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:28,377
All right! All--
213
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:31,336
All right. Since you've
asked so nicely,
214
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,643
I suppose
we have to compromise.
215
00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:36,385
When, and only when,
I have read each day's paper
216
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,039
-Each?
-Each?
217
00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:40,171
How many papers do you have?
218
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,696
Fess up, Major.
Are you hoarding newsprint?
219
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:45,437
Just how many of these
"fish wrappers" are there?
220
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:48,615
Well, wouldn't you know.
As luck would have it,
221
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:52,619
I have one, two,
maybe seven.
222
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:53,924
Seven!
223
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,100
Seven newspapers?
You creep!
224
00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:58,407
I am so glad
you are all here.
225
00:08:58,450 --> 00:08:59,800
I was just about to announce
226
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:02,237
my "Share the Newspaper"
crusade.
227
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,240
All I ask is the right
of first perusal.
228
00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:07,895
After I have read
each day's paper,
229
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,245
I will then make it available
to the general public.
230
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:12,508
One day, one paper.
231
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,770
Doesn't that seem
a tidy arrangement?
232
00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:16,556
Well, that seems
fair enough.
233
00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:19,646
Okay, folks. I guess the
tar-and-featherin' party
is over.
234
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,299
You all go on
about your business,
235
00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:22,823
and I'll see to it
236
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:24,825
that each and every one
of you gets an eyeful.
237
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,435
Yeah, well, I just hope so.
238
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,089
Don't worry about it.
You will.
239
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:30,613
And here we have
Private Kim,
240
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,180
our foreign exchange prisoner.
241
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:35,313
-Aigo! Aigo!
-Okay. Okay. Take it easy.
242
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:36,576
Where does he think
he's going?
243
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:38,839
Aigois Korean for "ouch."
244
00:09:38,882 --> 00:09:40,536
Unfortunately,
it's a common word
245
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,973
heard every day
around the war.
246
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:45,802
Give him his morphine.
It's in the medicine cabinet.
247
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,239
We hide it behind
the Wildroot Cream Oil.
248
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:51,155
So what do you think?
Should I ask her to the prom?
249
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:53,201
[speaking Korean]
250
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,464
Well, with that kind
of attitude, no wonder
you can't get a date.
251
00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,509
Look, just take it easy.
252
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,555
-In a couple of days,
you'll be fine.
-[speaking Korean]
253
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,688
Keep that up, you'll
stay home New Year's too.
254
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,603
[speaking Korean]
255
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,345
Doctor, I'm Lieutenant Yook.
256
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:09,478
My men and I are here
to guard our prisoners.
257
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:10,871
Oh! Good.
Just in the nick of time.
258
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,133
Keep your eye
on that one.
259
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:13,743
This morning,
he almost sat up.
260
00:10:13,787 --> 00:10:15,658
They will stay here
until they are
well enough to move,
261
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,181
then we take them
to prison camp.
262
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:18,443
Well, I guess
it beats staying
263
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:19,662
in the hot city
all summer.
264
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:21,359
Where can I find
your commanding officer?
265
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,926
Probably in the mess tent.
266
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:24,580
You can't miss it.
It's big, green,
267
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,886
smells like New Jersey.
268
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:29,106
[speaking Korean]
269
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:43,164
-[speaking Korean]
-HAWKEYE: Hey, hey, hey!
270
00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,253
The butt stops here.
271
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,863
Just-- Uh--
272
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,388
[humming]
273
00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:15,936
-[growls, blows]
-Hey!
274
00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:18,112
-You're not authorized to use--
-Stay out of this, fur face,
275
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:20,680
-or this is gonna
be your lunch!
-Here, sit down, Major.
276
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,333
May I get you
something cool to drink?
277
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:23,595
-Turn this on.
-Okay.
278
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:24,858
-Action.
-Huh?
279
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,468
Attention, all vermin!
280
00:11:26,511 --> 00:11:28,296
That's giving you
the benefit of the doubt.
281
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,602
I have just discovered
the untimely disappearance
282
00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:32,735
of my May 5 issue
of the Boston Globe
283
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,519
which has obviously
been pilfered
284
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:36,347
by some member of the
pernicious race of lowlife
285
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:38,610
which infests
this pig mire.
286
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:41,744
Furthermore, I consider
no one in this camp
above suspicion
287
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,790
with the possible exception
of that 80% of you
288
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,314
who are incapable of reading
the English language.
289
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:49,534
Thus, I retract my previous
magnanimous offer,
290
00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:52,450
and none of you cretins
will lay one slimy paw
291
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:53,930
on any of my papers
292
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:56,498
until the missing issue
is returned!
293
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,588
Thank you. Thank you.
294
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:07,248
[all groaning]
295
00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,217
Can I have some, uh...
296
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:23,438
Help yourself
to some breakfast
297
00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:26,833
before we lowlifes
steal it all!
298
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:28,530
Hell hath no fury
299
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:31,794
like pernicious vermin
scorned.
300
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,056
Charles, you just put
301
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,711
a whole shoe store
in your mouth.
302
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,626
Winchester, just a hunch--
303
00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:41,195
Will Rogers
never met you, did he?
304
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,244
-[sighs]
-Doctor
305
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:48,855
I was just wondering
when the prisoners
306
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:51,031
will be well enough
to travel.
307
00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:53,685
What's the rush?
You'll get your fists
on them soon enough.
308
00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:54,904
The one with
the stomach wound,
309
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:56,514
he does not look good
to me.
310
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:57,994
Yeah, well, that's
a funny side effect
311
00:12:58,038 --> 00:12:59,256
with people who have
holes in their bellies:
312
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:00,518
they tend not
to look too good.
313
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:01,868
-But he seem
-Look, as long as
314
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,521
your prisoner
is my patient,
315
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:04,914
any medical information
concerning him
316
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:07,612
is none of your
damned business.
317
00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:10,354
That patient is in more
danger than you know.
318
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:15,229
What are you
talking about?
319
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:27,284
His kidneys,
they are not strong.
320
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:28,590
How do you know?
321
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,635
When he was a small boy,
he was very sick.
322
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:35,815
He is my brother.
323
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:51,439
-He's your brother?
-My real name is also Kim.
324
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:54,094
We grew up in the north,
in Pyongyang.
325
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:56,705
My father,
he knew war was coming,
326
00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:58,663
so he sent me to live
in the South.
327
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:01,492
Why wouldn't your father
want to keep the whole
family together?
328
00:14:01,536 --> 00:14:04,626
He did not know
which side would win
or which side would lose.
329
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:07,542
By placing a son
on each side,
330
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:09,587
he knew one of us would be
on the side of victory
331
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:12,155
and would be able
to carry on the family name.
332
00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:16,116
A 50-50 chance of survival.
What a way to hedge your bet.
333
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:19,510
I do not know if any have
survived but my brother.
334
00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:22,296
He is the first one
I have seen in almost
two years.
335
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:23,906
You mean you haven't
even talked to him yet?
336
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:27,562
No. That is not possible.
337
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:28,955
If I am seen talking
to him,
338
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,565
it may appear
to my lieutenant
339
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:34,047
that I am a spy
sent by the north.
340
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:38,051
And if other prisoners see
my brother talking to me,
341
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:39,356
they will think
he is a traitor
342
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,662
and kill him
in prison camp.
343
00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:42,403
Can't even talk
to your own brother.
344
00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:44,753
I would tell you
none of this,
345
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:47,364
except I must be sure
he is taken care of.
346
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:49,932
Why didn't your brother
tell me about his condition?
347
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:52,674
He does not trust you.
348
00:14:52,717 --> 00:14:57,374
In the north, we are taught
to hate all Americans.
349
00:14:57,418 --> 00:15:00,421
I beg you not to reveal
this to anyone.
350
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:02,597
No, I won't tell
anybody. I promise.
351
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,469
I must go.
352
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:07,471
I've already put my brother
in too much danger.
353
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,303
[whistling]
354
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,926
Hey! Hey! What are you--
355
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,233
Hey! Come on!
356
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:33,933
[grunts] Oh! Hey!
357
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,022
A brother's biggest problem
358
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,806
ought to be
who Dad liked best.
359
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:40,330
-Uh-huh.
-I mean, can you imagine
360
00:15:40,374 --> 00:15:42,289
being in the same room
with your own brother
361
00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:44,378
and you can't even say
"Hi! How've you been?
362
00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:46,380
By the way, is the rest
of the family still alive?"
363
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,859
Look,
before you get any idea
364
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,426
about getting in the middle
of this, don't.
365
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:50,775
-Why not?
-Because there's a good chance
366
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:52,299
you might get them
both shot.
367
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:57,434
When I come to you
for advice,
368
00:15:57,478 --> 00:15:58,958
why do you always
give me logic?
369
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,846
WOMAN: Whoo!
370
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,243
How are you?
[clears throat]
371
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:34,645
Well, well!
News travels fast.
372
00:16:34,689 --> 00:16:36,430
Charles, you didn't tell me
you were in the paper.
373
00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:39,041
-Is that the missing one?
-No. It's yesterday's.
374
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:43,393
This prank is obviously
the work of mindless boobs,
375
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,569
and I will get you
and Pierce for this!
376
00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:47,919
As ashamed as I am
to admit it, Charles,
we're innocent.
377
00:16:47,963 --> 00:16:51,532
Ha! Then who is
responsible for this?
378
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:53,055
You can narrow it down
to anybody
379
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,318
after yesterday's
blistering radio editorial.
380
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,538
Pig mire residents
have feelings too, ya know.
381
00:16:57,581 --> 00:17:00,236
Given the nature
of the wrong done to me,
382
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,544
I felt that the rhetoric
fit the crime.
383
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:05,372
All I know is if I had a rope
dealership around here,
384
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:07,026
I'd be a millionaire.
385
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,592
Charles, why don't you
get back on the P.A.,
386
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,203
which, in this case,
stands for "public apology"?
387
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,509
For what possible purpose?
388
00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:14,729
Well, you just
might get your robe
and newspaper back.
389
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:17,949
Ha! Firstly, eh,
I don't need a robe.
390
00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:19,864
I bought a lovely
kimono in Tokyo
391
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:21,127
for my sister Honoria.
392
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,824
Secondly-- [grunts]
393
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,261
the newspaper is
no longer the issue.
394
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:27,742
Revenge is the issue.
395
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:29,613
Charles, I'm warning you,
bury the hatchet
396
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:31,180
before they use it
to chop you to bits.
397
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:34,140
Never! I did not fire
the first shot
398
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,576
in this news war,
399
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:39,449
but rest assured,
I shall fire the last!
400
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:41,016
CHARLES [on P.A.]:
It is 3 a.m.
401
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,974
and time to play
your favorite game show
402
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,889
"Tit For Tat."
403
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,326
Given the juvenile behavior
404
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,937
of all you bad
little boys and girls,
405
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:51,200
I just know you're
all going to enjoy
406
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:52,984
the following selection.
407
00:17:53,028 --> 00:17:54,464
♪♪ ["Here We Go Round
the Mullberry Bush"]
408
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,466
MAN: Knock that off!
Shut that off!
409
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:59,382
[overlapping shouting]
410
00:17:59,426 --> 00:18:03,560
How much longer
is this gonna go on?
411
00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:05,519
[yawns]
Don't worry about it, Hawk.
412
00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:07,956
It'll all blow over
after they kill him.
413
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:13,004
You guys were lucky
to be on sedatives.
414
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,790
You didn't have to hear
the blues in the night.
415
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:18,140
[speaking Korean]
416
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,490
[repeats Korean word]
I guess. I don't know.
417
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:22,971
You know, you don't
have to worry about the food.
418
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:24,929
Believe me, if it was poisoned,
it would taste much better.
419
00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,019
[speaking Korean]
420
00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:49,432
-[clears throat]
-Oh!
421
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,173
You look very Japanese,
Major.
422
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,305
Do you speak the language?
423
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,263
Of course not.
424
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:57,179
-[speaking Japanese]
-[chuckles]
425
00:18:57,223 --> 00:19:00,051
Oh!
[chuckles]
426
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:02,532
♪♪ [humming]
427
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:05,144
[scoffing]
428
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:12,412
-Hunnicutt.
-Hmm? Oh, Charles.
429
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,804
Somebody was here
for you,
430
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:15,197
but I made darn sure
they didn't touch
431
00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:16,242
one of your newspapers.
432
00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:18,548
[scoffs]
I'll get you.
433
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,203
I will get you all
for this
434
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,553
if I have to steal
a B-29!
435
00:19:25,816 --> 00:19:26,904
-[screams]
-I don't know,
436
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:28,428
but it shouldn't
be too hard
437
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:29,864
to find a man who's
trying to hide a B-29
438
00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,518
-under his kimono.
-[laughter]
439
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:34,173
Maybe we should put
our tents in a circle.
440
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:36,871
This must come to an end.
441
00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:39,395
Vengeance is best
left to the Lord.
442
00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:41,441
Besides, I can't
get into my tent
443
00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:43,007
for all of Winchester's
belongings.
444
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,922
[laughter]
445
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,446
Don't worry about it, Father.
446
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,361
You're being martyred
for a good cause.
447
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,450
Well, you can laugh,
but there's no place
to kneel in there.
448
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:51,929
[laughter]
449
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:54,715
MARGARET: You can come
to my place, Father.
450
00:19:58,284 --> 00:19:59,807
[laughter]
451
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,903
[laughter continues]
452
00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:13,255
[engine revs]
453
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,606
[revving engine]
454
00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:20,001
Before you take
that tent
455
00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:22,743
for a spin, Major,
read this!
456
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,397
[mouths words]
457
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,487
If you'd have just gotten
off your big vendetta
458
00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,706
and moved on to
your next day's paper,
459
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,405
you'd have saved us all
a lot of aggravation!
460
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,245
POTTER [on P.A.]: Attention,
people, and that's an order.
461
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:49,248
I've had it up to my
baby blues with all of ya.
462
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:52,860
Not only am I
putting the whoa-Nelly
on this tomfoolery,
463
00:20:52,903 --> 00:20:55,123
I'm demanding
an official apology
464
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:57,952
from the person
who started it all
in the first place!
465
00:20:57,995 --> 00:21:00,346
[cheering]
466
00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:02,348
I didn't start I didn't--
467
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:05,264
Yeah. Well, uh--
[clears throat]
468
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:06,743
It would seem that I have
made an unfortunate
469
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:09,442
although completely
understandable, error.
470
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:13,228
Uh, it seems that the May 5
issue of the Boston Globe,
471
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,230
which I logically assumed
to have been stolen,
472
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:19,060
was, in fact,
not delivered that day
473
00:21:19,103 --> 00:21:22,324
to certain areas due to
a wildcat trucker strike.
474
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:23,760
[chattering]
475
00:21:23,804 --> 00:21:25,588
I hope you all
find that as wry
476
00:21:25,632 --> 00:21:27,547
and amusing as I do.
477
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:30,332
[chuckles] Well, since
we're all anxious to forget
478
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:31,899
this harmless
little incident
479
00:21:31,942 --> 00:21:33,466
and return to
our normal routine,
480
00:21:33,509 --> 00:21:36,207
I guess that's all
there is to say.
481
00:21:36,251 --> 00:21:37,774
Now may I please have
my clothing back?
482
00:21:37,818 --> 00:21:40,603
[laughter]
483
00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:42,953
Now, seeing as how we've
484
00:21:42,997 --> 00:21:45,042
all been chomping
at the bit for the news,
485
00:21:45,086 --> 00:21:48,307
I'm just gonna take a page
from that Fiorello fellow.
486
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:51,484
Now, then,
here's Li'l Abner.
487
00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:54,182
In the first picture,
we see Ab
488
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:58,229
and a beautiful Daisy Mae
in her bridal outfit--
489
00:21:58,273 --> 00:22:01,145
shorts, halter, and a veil,
490
00:22:01,189 --> 00:22:02,799
as she finally gets
to utter
491
00:22:02,843 --> 00:22:04,235
those immortal words
492
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:06,325
she's been waiting
so long to say:
493
00:22:06,368 --> 00:22:07,674
"I does."
494
00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:10,024
[laughter]
495
00:22:10,067 --> 00:22:12,853
Moving on to the second
picture, we got--
496
00:22:12,896 --> 00:22:15,377
Major, close your robe!
497
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:18,902
[laughter]
498
00:22:21,557 --> 00:22:23,820
No, no, no.
Nothing to worry about.
499
00:22:23,864 --> 00:22:25,344
This won't even tickle.
500
00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:28,477
It's okay.
501
00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:30,218
Doctors, come quickly!
502
00:22:30,261 --> 00:22:31,611
There's something
wrong here!
503
00:22:31,654 --> 00:22:32,960
What's the matter?
What is it?
504
00:22:33,003 --> 00:22:34,353
He's bleeding
into his belly.
505
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,571
We better get him
to O .R. right now.
506
00:22:35,615 --> 00:22:37,007
Gurney!
507
00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:38,269
He's gonna need
a lot of blood.
508
00:22:38,313 --> 00:22:39,401
Better be
the right type.
509
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:40,533
You! You know
your blood type?
510
00:22:40,576 --> 00:22:41,838
Blood type? "A"!
511
00:22:41,882 --> 00:22:43,623
Perfect. Cross match 'em
to make sure.
512
00:22:43,666 --> 00:22:45,407
You may have one less
prisoner to take in.
513
00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:46,843
Come with me, please.
514
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:48,845
Okay, let's get
that needle in right away.
515
00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:54,721
I do not understand.
The needle isn't--
516
00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:56,462
Shh! Lie quietly.
517
00:22:56,505 --> 00:22:58,377
We don't wanna
disturb the neighbors.
518
00:22:59,813 --> 00:23:01,554
[speaking Korean]
519
00:23:01,597 --> 00:23:04,905
Talk to your brother.
Tell him he's fine...
520
00:23:04,948 --> 00:23:08,299
and anything else
you wanna tell him.
521
00:23:10,084 --> 00:23:11,912
Thank you, doctor.
522
00:23:11,955 --> 00:23:14,741
[speaking Korean]
523
00:23:23,619 --> 00:23:25,578
[sighs]
524
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,811
Unless you need something
else, sir, I'll be leaving.
525
00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:43,509
I'm fine, thank you, Igor.
526
00:23:43,552 --> 00:23:45,554
And thank you for keeping
the mess tent open for me.
527
00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:47,904
After that heartfelt
apology, Major,
528
00:23:47,948 --> 00:23:49,428
what else could I do?
529
00:23:52,822 --> 00:23:55,912
Hey, Igor,
what's this doing here?
530
00:23:55,956 --> 00:23:58,306
Search me.
531
00:23:58,349 --> 00:24:01,657
Boy! Some people think
this is just a parking lot.
532
00:24:01,701 --> 00:24:03,137
[engine starts]
533
00:24:05,313 --> 00:24:08,055
-[cracking, ripping]
-[screams]
534
00:24:22,504 --> 00:24:24,375
♪♪ [theme]
38994
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