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♪♪ [theme]
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♪♪ [fanfare]
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MALE ANNOUNCER:
A highlight from
the All-American
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00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:12,333
Water Ski Tournament
at Cypress Gardens,
Florida.
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00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:16,598
Miss Charlene Zint teams
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00:01:16,641 --> 00:01:18,339
with Air Force
Lieutenant Stu McDonald
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in the mixed doubles event,
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and they really put on
a show.
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Yes, it's a patriotic,
aquatic,
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00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:26,086
ecstatic acrobatic.
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The now familiar figure
of General Nam'il
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00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,880
struts to the Korean
truce talk tent
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at Panmunjom
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00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:40,839
for still another
secret meeting
15
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:43,494
in the long-drawn
armistice negotiations.
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00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,453
The U.N. Chief Delegate
General Harrison
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00:01:45,496 --> 00:01:47,150
and his team are
on hand.
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00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,500
"Marking the first
anniversary of truce talks."
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00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:50,936
Can you believe this?
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00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:53,548
365 days,
and all they can agree on
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is the shape
of the conference table.
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00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:57,073
Actually, the toughest
thing in any relationship
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00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,162
is picking out the furniture.
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00:01:59,206 --> 00:02:01,295
They can't even set
the agenda because
they can't agree
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00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:03,035
that the first item
on the agenda,
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00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:07,083
which they don't have,
is to set the agenda.
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00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,563
Meanwhile,
back at the war,
28
00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:11,174
more and more kids get
to be teenagers forever.
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00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:13,176
I'd say there was
no point in letting
this drive you crazy,
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00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:14,569
but I can see I'm too late.
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00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:18,834
Those idiots are fiddling
while Korea burns.
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That doesn't bother you,
huh?
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Sure, it bothers me.
What can I do about it?
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00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:24,753
Well, you could get
enraged.
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00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:26,102
Or even a little peeved.
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00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,799
From you,
I'd settle for irked.
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00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:30,454
Or at least one good
"oh, pshaw."
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I save my "oh, pshaws"
for things I can do
something about.
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00:02:33,022 --> 00:02:34,371
Yeah, well, I'm going
to do something about it.
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00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:35,851
Oh, yeah? Good.
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00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,940
Actually, I was getting
tired of this war.
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[jet passing overhead]
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HAWKEYE [thinking]:
Dear Harry,
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I know as president,
you're busy stopping
bucks and all,
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00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:05,272
so I'll be brief.
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00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:06,925
I am a doctor and Democrat,
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00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:08,884
loyal Democrat
now living in Korea.
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00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,147
Or as I call it, hell.
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00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,758
I'd like to be home
before winter when
hell freezes over.
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00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:15,978
Hawkeye Pierce?
Dr. H. Pierce?
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00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:17,153
Yeah, what is it, Klinger?
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00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,502
Our C.O.-ness requests
your presence
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00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:20,156
for a big powwow
with Colonel Ditka.
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Green tie is optional.
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All right, all right.
I'll be right over.
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00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,466
[continues]
I'm sure you're aware
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00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:26,641
that peace talks
are a year old
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00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:28,425
and we're all a year older.
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00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:30,035
I've given it
a lot of thought,
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00:03:30,079 --> 00:03:31,863
and call me a crackpot,
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00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:33,517
but I think I've got
a solution to this problem.
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00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:34,562
Stop the war.
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00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:39,001
Who's Colonel Ditka?
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00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:42,004
Colonel Ditka's
look-seein' us
to make sure we get
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00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:43,962
all the medical,
engineering
and supply goodies
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00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:46,878
we need to make
this war more comfy.
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00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:49,054
Well, that's very
comforting to know
the army's
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00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:50,969
supporting us
in our efforts here.
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00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:52,754
We at H.Q. appreciate
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00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:56,018
the vital work you're doing
and want to help.
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00:03:56,061 --> 00:04:00,414
If you need anything,
just say the word,
and it's yours.
72
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:02,198
What incredible timing.
73
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,245
Just yesterday,
I ran out of Ava Gardner.
74
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:07,247
Okay, Colonel, the rainy
season's up and coming.
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00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:09,684
When we're trying to get
the wounded into pre-op,
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00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:12,556
often we're slipping
and sliding in the mud.
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00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,950
A wooden ramp
would be a godsend.
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00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:18,301
An O.R. refrigerator
that held more blood
would be nice.
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00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,042
Smaller battles
would be nicer.
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00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:22,871
Pierce, please.
I'll tell you what
we really need.
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00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:24,960
A higher capacity
water heater.
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00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,528
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know, like for hospital
linens, hot packs.
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00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,312
Not to mention
sterilization.
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00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,575
I'd have to agree,
that's top priority.
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00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:34,099
A water heater's just
what this doctor orders.
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00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:36,972
This is the way
to do business, hmm?
All right.
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00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:41,455
[clears throat]
I've got something on my mind.
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00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,413
[clears throat, sniffles]
89
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,330
What are you doing
about beautification?
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00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,898
Beautification?
91
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:51,378
Yes. You see,
you don't notice it
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00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:52,814
because you're here
every day.
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But to a visiting dignitary,
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00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,731
this place looks terrible.
95
00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:59,429
Now, High Command wants
these MASH units
96
00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:00,909
spruced up a bit.
97
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:03,825
Colonel, we've got
priorities here,
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00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:05,783
and yanking crabgrass
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00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:09,091
is way at the bottom
of the list of chores.
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00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:11,659
Didn't you see our spread
in Better Homes and Hovels?
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00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,704
The top brass wants us
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00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:17,273
to leave this country
better than we found it.
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00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,102
Well, how about if we meet
you halfway and just
leave the country?
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00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:22,060
Colonel,
you can't be serious.
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00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:25,542
A combative attitude
just creates more problems.
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00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,370
You know, he's right.
Why don't you tell that
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00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,893
to the guys up at
the peace talks?
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00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,417
Make all the jokes you want.
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00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,941
But if you expect
to get that heater,
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00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:35,683
you're gonna have to
go on a neighborhood
improvement program.
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00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:37,075
That's the way it is.
112
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:39,513
Well, I've gotta get
to the 8228th.
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00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:41,602
Yeah, I hear that place
is a real dump.
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00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:44,605
Think about my offer,
Colonel. Hmm?
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00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:46,607
Boy, I've seen a lot
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00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:48,565
of looniness
in this man's army.
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00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,393
Once had a C.O.
who made us shine
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00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:51,786
the soles of our boots.
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00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:55,050
But this!
This takes the cake!
120
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,704
Oh, I don't know.
War may be ugly,
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00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:57,966
but it shouldn't be
an eyesore.
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00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,402
With all due respect
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00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,883
to Pierce's sarcasm
and your tantrums, sir,
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00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:04,581
might I point out that
Colonel Ditka has offered us
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00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:07,758
the opportunity to acquire
the water heater we need.
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00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:11,109
Damn it, that brush lip
is talkin' blackmail.
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00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:12,937
Well, if beautifying
this camp
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00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:15,244
is what it takes
to save some more lives,
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00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:17,246
I don't see
that we have a choice.
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00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:21,685
What really chafes my chaps
is that you're right.
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00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:23,687
And seeing
as you're so gung ho,
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00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:27,082
you can top-kick our 4077th
beatification program.
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00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:30,564
Count on me, sir.
But I'll need a lot
of support from everybody.
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00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,956
Don't worry about me,
Margaret.
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00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,958
For the next week,
I won't even talk dirty.
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00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,047
I got just
the right-hand man for you.
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00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:39,224
Needs to work off
that secretarial spread.
Klinger!
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00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:41,357
That must be me, sir.
139
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,924
Major Houlihan's
starting up
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00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,665
a beautification detail.
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00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:47,058
I'm appointing you foreman.
Think you can handle it?
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00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:49,974
Sure. We Klingers
are born semi-executives.
143
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:53,064
-I'll be mean, but fair.
-That's a good lad.
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00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,675
Would it be too presumptuous
to ask why
145
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,459
we're attempting
to beautify this sewer?
146
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,461
Simple.
We need a water heater.
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00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:01,638
Of course, sir.
What a foolish question.
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00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:04,641
HAWKEYE:
Harry, you want to know
what Korea looks like today?
149
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:05,947
Picture Swiss cheese
with cities.
150
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:08,123
Believe me,
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00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,125
putting slipcovers
on the landmines
just won't help.
152
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:12,780
Tell you what,
you end this fiasco now,
153
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:15,826
and I pledge to purchase
all your daughter Margaret's
inimitable recordings.
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00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,480
Don't bother to
deliver them,
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00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,482
I'd love to pick them up
on my way home.
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00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:22,659
Sincerely,
Hawkeye Pierce, M.D.
Medical Democrat.
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00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:23,660
MAN: Doctor.
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00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:33,844
You okay?
159
00:07:33,888 --> 00:07:36,630
Doctor, you do good job
to take out bullet.
160
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:37,848
Soon I go to fight again?
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00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:39,459
Not until I can
shake this foot
162
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:40,503
and it doesn't sound like
a maraca.
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00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:42,026
What's the hurry?
164
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:45,377
I have my duty.
A Turk must kill many mens.
165
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,945
Oh, well,
I knew there had to be
a good reason.
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00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:51,253
-How's yours?
-Sick.
167
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:53,168
Another kid with a belly
full of crankcase oil.
168
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,126
Uh-huh.
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00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:56,998
It's getting to be the most
popular drink in Korea.
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00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:58,869
One a day keeps
the combat duty away.
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00:07:58,913 --> 00:08:00,784
Ah, this kid's seen
plenty of combat.
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00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:02,220
Couple months ago,
his unit took a hill,
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00:08:02,264 --> 00:08:03,657
suffered 30 percent
casualties.
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00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,093
He got a medal.
175
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:06,529
Couple days later,
they lost the hill,
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00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,183
suffered 40 percent
casualties.
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00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,446
Another medal.
178
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,362
Tomorrow, they're gonna try
and retake that hill.
179
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:14,537
So he decided he
didn't want to play
180
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,017
Korean roulette
anymore, huh?
181
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,366
The trouble is,
he loses either way.
182
00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:18,628
Now he thinks
he's a coward.
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00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,156
P.S.:
184
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,984
Mr. T., I'd like to
tell you about a hero
185
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,812
with a small problem.
186
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:31,728
He's damned if he doesn't,
dead if he does.
187
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,077
[blows whistle]
188
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:36,167
Okay, put that dirt
over here.
189
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:38,213
Get those rocks
out over there.
190
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,522
Come on. Lift that shovel.
Tote that hoe.
191
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:45,829
Talk about dumb.
Spiffin' up a war.
192
00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:47,614
I quit.
193
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:51,139
-[all grumbling]
-Hey, get back to work.
194
00:08:51,182 --> 00:08:52,575
Who called
a mutiny break?
195
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,272
We're through.
196
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:56,666
What are you gonna do
about it, skyscraper nose?
197
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,450
What am I gonna do?
198
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:00,757
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
199
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,933
Major, they won't work.
200
00:09:02,977 --> 00:09:05,675
Oh?
201
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:07,198
Is that so?
202
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,943
And next time
I won't be so easy on ya.
203
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:15,250
Klinger,
where's the shrubbery
I told you to get?
204
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:18,253
Oh, I shopped that out
to a vendor who's beating
the bushes for bushes.
205
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,821
Well, speak of
the bush beater.
206
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,649
Hey, Kim Han,
that was quick.
207
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,782
Piece of cake.
No trouble to shake a leg.
208
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,959
-Who's the tomato?
-Oh, tomato.
209
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:31,092
This tomato is
the big cheese.
210
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:33,094
Major Houlihan,
Kim Han.
211
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:35,357
Kim Han,
it's very nice to meet you.
212
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,490
-Ditto, dollface.
-[chuckles]
213
00:09:38,534 --> 00:09:39,883
Tell me,
where did you learn
214
00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:42,103
how to speak such
interesting English?
215
00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:45,672
U.S. magazines and papers.
I see all the movies.
216
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,587
America number one!
217
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:50,372
-[chuckling]
-Lana Turner, hubba hubba.
218
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:53,157
This kid is a whiz
on the States.
219
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,116
Yesterday we played
name the capitals.
220
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,944
He skunked me,
and I knew four.
221
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:59,816
You know, someday that's
gonna make a wonderful
shade tree.
222
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,427
If I'm still here then,
I'll hang myself from it.
223
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:05,126
Okay, fork over the moola.
224
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:07,432
Here ya go, kid.
225
00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,260
One dollar, as promised.
226
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:11,654
You need any more help,
just whistle.
227
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,178
Do you know how to do that?
228
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:15,789
Sure.
229
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:19,444
You just put your lips
together and blow.
230
00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:21,621
I like movies too.
[laughs]
231
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:23,579
Listen, Klinger, I think
we've got enough work
232
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,581
for Kim Han to stay
on the payroll.
233
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,105
-Next time I'll pay.
-Thanks, toots.
234
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:30,891
You just take care
of the plants.
235
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:33,328
Let's go, kid.
Time is moola.
236
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:34,764
There you are, Colonel.
237
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,897
Oh, I already knew that,
Padre
238
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,638
but thanks
for telling me anyway.
239
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,988
This is not the time
for whimsy.
240
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:44,774
I received this memo today
from my superior at H.Q.
241
00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:46,297
I didn't know they had
Father Superiors.
242
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:48,038
He is superior
in name only.
243
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:50,127
Some green-behind-the-ears
novice
244
00:10:50,171 --> 00:10:51,651
with a bug up his cassock.
245
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:52,782
And you know what
he wants to know?
246
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,697
-No.
-He wants to know
247
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:57,047
what I'm doing
about this company's
spiraling V.D. rate.
248
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,441
[chuckles]
Sorry.
249
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,356
Well, that's a barrel
of bushwa, Padre.
250
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:04,141
They can't make a priest
responsible for the V.D.
problem.
251
00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:06,840
Unless they believe
in the theory of
immaculate infection.
252
00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:08,711
Well, I handle
spiritual matters
253
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,365
around here
pretty darn well.
254
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:13,411
But I shouldn't have
to solve the medical
problems.
255
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:16,545
And I'd say V.D. is
the province of an M.D.
256
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,286
-Wouldn't you, Colonel?
-I would, Padre.
257
00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:20,418
And I'm gonna help you
"unsnafu" this.
258
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:22,943
All I gotta do
is figure out how.
259
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:24,466
These men have got to learn
260
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:25,685
not to practice license
without a medicine.
261
00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:27,730
Oh, shut your trap.
262
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,340
Relax, Father.
We'll handle it.
263
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:31,691
We, without me.
264
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:34,519
It is patently absurd
for officers to waste
valuable time
265
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:37,697
monitoring the behavior
of allegedly adult men.
266
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,960
Charles thinks this is
just a lot of claptrap.
267
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,744
[chuckles]
Indeed, I do.
268
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:44,399
Major, venereal disease
is just that, a disease.
269
00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:45,835
You're a doctor.
270
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,446
Why does dealing with it
put your snout in the sky?
271
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:49,970
I am a doctor.
272
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:52,233
I'm deeply concerned
with human suffering.
273
00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,930
On the other hand,
274
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:57,064
if one chooses to socialize
with sordid working women,
275
00:11:57,107 --> 00:12:00,023
one tends to get
what one deserves.
276
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,851
You know something,
Winchester?
277
00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:03,374
You're right.
278
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:05,812
People should get
exactly what they deserve.
279
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:06,943
Next.
280
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,338
Oh, and your name,
young lady?
281
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:14,690
-Sun Ki.
-Oh, how lyrical.
282
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,562
-Hiya, Joe.
-[women giggling]
283
00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,173
Young lady,
does your mother know
284
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:20,478
what you do for a living?
285
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,784
This is my mother.
286
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:26,833
Piquant. Chippie
off the old block.
287
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:28,922
Would you please step
behind the screen
and remove your garment?
288
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:32,795
-Okay. Five dollars, please.
-[women giggling]
289
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,449
POTTER:
There you are,
young lady.
290
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:37,234
You come see us again
if you have another, uh,
291
00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,846
job related injury.
292
00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,151
Uh, Colonel,
293
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:43,066
speaking of
job related injuries,
294
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:46,461
I seem to detect
the beginning of
injector's cramp.
295
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:49,072
Prudence would dictate
that I take a rest, now.
296
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:50,944
Prudence might,
but I don't.
297
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:52,859
You got a lady waiting.
298
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:55,296
Sir, this entire effort is
an exercise in futility.
299
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:57,428
The presence of these women
in the camp
300
00:12:57,472 --> 00:13:00,257
simply affords them
more opportunity for
contact with the soldiers.
301
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:02,956
Major, the same idea
occurred to me from
the get-go,
302
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:05,393
so I have taken
the precaution of posting
303
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:08,178
a chaperone to prevent
any fraternizing.
304
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:10,615
[women giggling]
305
00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:22,105
Hi, honey.
306
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:24,325
Didn't you go to
Union High School
in Dubuque?
307
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:26,893
Excuse me, fella,
this a no parking zone.
308
00:13:26,936 --> 00:13:27,894
Sorry.
309
00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:38,252
Do you know how many Rs
there are in surreal?
310
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,914
♪♪
311
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:51,178
ANNOUNCER:
Disclosing another facet
312
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:53,006
of their unmitigated gall,
313
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,355
the Communists
at Panmunjom
314
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:55,747
have built
a new building
315
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:58,011
for the Korean
truce talk delegations.
316
00:13:58,054 --> 00:14:00,404
The very fact of the building
suggests the Reds
317
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:03,016
regard the talks as
things here to stay.
318
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,974
Major,
I'm proud to announce
319
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:07,585
the completion
of Operation Pointless.
320
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:09,936
MARGARET: I don't know.
What do you think, Captain?
321
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:13,504
It's got everything--
trees, bushes,
green ground?
322
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,506
Pretty good, huh?
I painted that.
323
00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:18,509
It'll be fine as long
as nobody paints any weeds.
324
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:19,946
It's absurd and tasteless,
325
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:21,382
which means the army
will love it.
326
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:22,687
And we'll all be
in hot water.
327
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:24,124
MARGARET: [chuckles]
328
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,647
Okay, Klinger.
You can dismiss the workers.
329
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,302
Yes, Major.
330
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:30,782
[blows whistle]
331
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:34,830
Men, the job is over.
332
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,442
You've really worked hard,
and I appreciate that.
333
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:41,837
I hereby take back
any previous threats
334
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,318
to screw up your leaves.
335
00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:45,928
-[blows whistle]
-Dismissed.
336
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:49,192
[groaning]
337
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:51,934
-KLINGER: Thank you, men.
-I don't know, Klinger.
338
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:54,850
It still seems so empty.
339
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,634
There's still
something missing.
340
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,596
It's this bench.
There's no wino.
341
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:04,164
Tonight I'll go
to the Officers Club
and rent you one.
342
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:07,123
No, no, no,
we need oomph, pizzazz.
343
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:10,257
It's gotta look
more parkish.
344
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,302
Like maybe a statue.
345
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:15,131
Or maybe even better,
a fountain.
346
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:17,394
Where are you gonna get
a fountain in a medical unit?
347
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:23,444
That's right.
We're a medical unit!
348
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:25,576
Klinger,
you're brilliant!
349
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,665
What's up, Doc?
Can I talk to you?
350
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:30,364
-Sure. Kim Han, right?
-Yeah.
351
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,888
I hear people say
you're a top-notch doctor.
352
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,629
Obviously some
pretty smart people.
353
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:35,673
You got a problem?
354
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:36,848
I want an operation.
355
00:15:36,892 --> 00:15:38,850
I have plenty
of loot to pay.
356
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,113
What kind of an operation?
357
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,984
I wanna have eyes
like Americans?
358
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,160
Come on.
You're kiddin', right?
359
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:46,641
I'm very serious.
360
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,427
What's wrong with having
eyes like a Korean?
361
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:51,820
Koreans are little squirts.
362
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:53,996
Americans are real tough.
363
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,563
I wanna be like them.
364
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:57,957
Like you.
Like John Wayne.
365
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,175
-Look, Kim Han
-Please, Doc!
366
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:01,134
I think about this
for a long time.
367
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,787
Then you know that
having an eye operation
368
00:16:02,831 --> 00:16:04,137
isn't going to change
who you are.
369
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:07,357
-It will change how I look.
-To whom?
370
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:08,793
To Korean women.
371
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:10,970
They think American guys
are real dreamboats.
372
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,232
Uh-huh.
373
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,016
Please, Doc,
will you help me?
374
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,018
Sorry, pal.
375
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:18,107
Come on, Doc.
Give me a break.
376
00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:20,457
I am.
Believe me, I am.
377
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,460
Have it your way.
I'll go to the 8063rd MASH.
378
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:27,508
Someone there will
fix me up.
379
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:29,075
Hey, you know
what I heard?
380
00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:32,382
Tomorrow, we're getting
fresh milk.
381
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:34,080
I would have been thrilled
with fresh powder.
382
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:36,473
We gotta get a punching bag
for the Swamp.
383
00:16:36,517 --> 00:16:38,214
What?
384
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,737
[thinking] And this kid
is just one of thousands
385
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:40,912
who think the road
to happiness
386
00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:42,871
leads straight
to America.
387
00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:44,264
If we stay here
much longer,
388
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:46,266
we'll have all of Korea
disoriented.
389
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,188
Of course, Koreans
aren't the only ones
390
00:16:55,231 --> 00:16:56,493
unhappy with their eyes.
391
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:02,586
Am I ever gonna see again?
392
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:03,674
Tell me the truth, sir.
393
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,285
I'm a marine.
I can take it.
394
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,852
We can't tell yet, son.
Maybe.
395
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,074
Maybe.
396
00:17:13,728 --> 00:17:14,946
[sobbing]
397
00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:19,299
-I'm not crying.
-I know you're not.
398
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,003
Poor kid.
What happened to him?
399
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,092
He got blind drunk
on a fifth of booze
400
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,051
only he didn't know
it was methyl alcohol.
401
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:33,748
That homemade hooch
will kill ya.
402
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:35,358
He should have stuck
with an American brand.
403
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:36,751
He thought he did,
404
00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:38,013
but the local moonshiners
have come up
405
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,493
with a new trick.
406
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:41,190
They drill a hole
in the bottom of the bottle
407
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,496
and drain out
the good stuff
408
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:44,889
-and reseal it with wax.
-Boy, that stinks.
409
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:00,427
[glass breaks]
410
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,780
How'd you like
some company?
411
00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:08,261
Oh, Major, sure.
Park it.
412
00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:12,569
That's quite
a king-size meal
413
00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:13,701
you've got there.
414
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,398
I love American eats.
415
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,574
Spaghetti is tops.
416
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:20,011
Besides, I'm getting ready
to hit the road.
417
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:26,061
Well, you sure were
a big help to us,
Kim Han.
418
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,890
-You're a fine young man.
-Thank you.
419
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:31,022
I sure can use
the dough you paid me.
420
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,981
Uh-huh. I bet you're
gonna buy yourself
421
00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:34,852
some sharp new clothes
422
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:36,158
to look good
for the girls, huh?
423
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:38,160
No.
424
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:41,642
Oh, you don't have
to be modest with me.
425
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:42,904
How could they keep
their hands
426
00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:44,166
off a dreamboat
like you?
427
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:45,385
I'm not good looking.
428
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:47,865
Not like
the American G.I.s.
429
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:51,130
Are you kidding?
[laughs]
430
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:54,611
You should have seen some
of those guys when they
were your age.
431
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,657
-Why?
-Because.
432
00:18:56,700 --> 00:19:00,182
They were clumsy young boys
433
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,489
and very shy with girls.
434
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:06,319
And, well,
compared to them,
435
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:08,059
you're Tyrone Power.
436
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,367
-I am?
-Sure.
437
00:19:11,411 --> 00:19:14,892
And things just get better.
Boys become men.
438
00:19:14,936 --> 00:19:19,201
I'd like to see you
in a couple of years, tiger.
439
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,812
Oh, what a lady-killer
you're gonna be.
440
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:24,119
Hey, kid, the truck's ready
to leave for the 8063rd.
441
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:32,171
Oh, no, maybe I'll catch
the next one.
442
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:40,266
Well, good luck to you,
Kim Han.
443
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,529
You not eat
your dinner.
444
00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:44,792
Oh, no,
I have this diet.
445
00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,837
I look at our food,
and I lose my appetite.
446
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,766
Doctors,
this is Captain Broz
of the Turkish Army.
447
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,203
He's here to see you.
448
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:06,379
How do you do, Captain?
I'm Dr. Winchester.
449
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,337
[chuckles]
This is Dr. Pierce.
450
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:09,382
You have
Turk soldier here, no?
451
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:11,558
I wish to see.
452
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:14,038
Yeah, he's right there.
Second bed. He just has
a wounded foot.
453
00:20:14,082 --> 00:20:17,433
-I know.
-Friendly guy.
454
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:19,261
Yes. The sort of thing
Clyde Beatty
455
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,394
brings back alive, huh?
456
00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:23,047
Kellye, when do you get
off duty?
457
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:24,310
In just a few minutes,
Doctor. What do you have
in mind?
458
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:25,615
A fast game
of post office.
459
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,661
This is finally signed
and sealed,
460
00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:30,229
and I'd like it delivered
to the outgoing mail
department.
461
00:20:30,272 --> 00:20:32,622
-Would you do the honors?
-It would be an honor.
462
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,233
The Harry S. Truman?
463
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:37,192
[men arguing in Turkish]
464
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,281
Hey, hey, hey!
Keep it down.
465
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:41,501
There are people trying
to sleep in India.
466
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:42,676
What is the meaning
of this tumult?
467
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,286
He is stinking rotten
dog droppings.
468
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,245
Oscar Wilde couldn't
have said it better.
469
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,290
Doctor, tell him I do not
shoot myself to get out
of duty.
470
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:51,075
-Shoot yourself? No, no, no.
-I know the truth!
471
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,340
[yelling in Turkish]
472
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:56,994
Gun! Gun! Watch it, fella!
473
00:20:57,038 --> 00:20:58,039
-He is a coward!
I must kill him!
-Everybody down!
474
00:20:59,954 --> 00:21:02,261
Couldn't you just slap the kid?
That was good enough for Patton.
475
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:04,480
-Charles, where are you?
CHARLES: I'm not telling
anybody!
476
00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:06,134
Grab the gun
or bite the bullet.
477
00:21:06,177 --> 00:21:10,051
-Gun!
-No! Watch it! Watch it!
478
00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:11,182
Get him up!
Get him up!
479
00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:13,141
Up you go!
Up you go!
480
00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:15,752
-Up we go.
There's a good maniac.
-I will kill you both!
481
00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:17,014
Give me a break,
will ya, fella?
482
00:21:17,058 --> 00:21:18,842
Dying on duty is
a court-martial offense.
483
00:21:18,886 --> 00:21:20,670
He is jackal!
Worthless!
484
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,672
To shoot him is
to shoot nothing.
485
00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:24,500
You jerk,
he didn't shoot himself.
486
00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:25,980
We can tell by the angle
of the wound.
487
00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:28,330
Liars!
Friend of a snake!
488
00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:30,027
HAWKEYE:
Charles, watch it!
489
00:21:30,071 --> 00:21:31,290
[gunshot]
490
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,379
[Broz whimpering]
491
00:21:35,381 --> 00:21:37,513
Now that's what
a self-inflicted
wound looks like.
492
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:43,693
And I want you to know
my people busted
their keisters
493
00:21:43,737 --> 00:21:46,348
to get this beautification
business done.
494
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:48,568
Worked harder
than a woodpecker
in a petrified forest.
495
00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:51,658
What do you think, sir?
496
00:21:59,361 --> 00:22:01,450
-I like it.
-How's that?
497
00:22:01,494 --> 00:22:02,669
Did he say he liked it?
498
00:22:02,712 --> 00:22:04,018
I couldn't hear.
Does he like it?
499
00:22:04,061 --> 00:22:05,367
I'd like him to like it.
500
00:22:10,024 --> 00:22:12,983
-Yes, sir, I do like it.
-You hear that, Klinger!
501
00:22:13,027 --> 00:22:14,507
[cheering]
502
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:20,339
Yes, sir, you've done
yourself proud.
503
00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:23,516
This thing is ingenious
as all get-out.
504
00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,909
Well, the bon mots
go to Major Houlihan.
505
00:22:25,953 --> 00:22:28,999
She's the one who gave
our beauty spot its pizzazz.
506
00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:40,576
MARGARET:
Yeah, well, thank you, sir.
507
00:22:40,620 --> 00:22:41,838
But I couldn't have done it
508
00:22:41,882 --> 00:22:42,883
without my foreman
and my crew.
509
00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:44,624
Thanks, boss. Men.
510
00:22:44,667 --> 00:22:46,974
You can all pat yourselves
on the back.
511
00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:50,804
Because this is what
America is all about.
512
00:22:50,847 --> 00:22:52,283
Bedpans.
513
00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:53,502
Colonel, does this mean
514
00:22:53,546 --> 00:22:55,896
our water heater
is on its way?
515
00:22:55,939 --> 00:22:58,725
-You can bank on it.
-Hooray!
516
00:22:58,768 --> 00:23:01,162
You people need
the best equipment possible
517
00:23:01,205 --> 00:23:04,208
so that we can soundly
defeat our enemy.
518
00:23:04,252 --> 00:23:07,429
B.J.:
Whoever he may be.
519
00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:09,126
HAWKEYE [thinking]:
I know it doesn't make
much sense, Harry,
520
00:23:09,170 --> 00:23:10,780
but that's how we got
our water heater.
521
00:23:10,824 --> 00:23:12,913
I know you're thinking
it's pretty stupid,
522
00:23:12,956 --> 00:23:14,393
but no more so
than peace talks
523
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:15,916
that are all talk
and no peace.
524
00:23:18,179 --> 00:23:20,181
I know there's a lot of heat
in your kitchen, Harry,
525
00:23:20,224 --> 00:23:22,009
but there's a bunch
of tired people here
526
00:23:22,052 --> 00:23:25,186
who don't even know
why they're here.
527
00:23:25,229 --> 00:23:26,753
We just miss our families
and friends.
528
00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:29,451
All of us only want
one thing:
529
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:31,932
to come home.
530
00:23:31,975 --> 00:23:33,237
Help.
531
00:23:44,510 --> 00:23:46,076
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel,
quit your dreaming.
532
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,252
It's time for
the nightmare.
533
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:49,515
Over here!
534
00:23:49,558 --> 00:23:50,907
Over here!
535
00:23:50,951 --> 00:23:53,693
No, no, not there!
536
00:23:53,736 --> 00:23:57,261
[tires skid, crash]
537
00:23:57,305 --> 00:23:58,959
Oh.
538
00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:04,443
Klinger, has the mail
gone out yet?
539
00:24:06,314 --> 00:24:09,317
♪♪
540
00:24:19,588 --> 00:24:22,461
♪♪ [theme]
40028
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