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1
00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,578
-Gin?
-Read 'em and weep.
3
00:00:56,621 --> 00:00:58,319
-Again?
-Name of the game, kiddo.
4
00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,799
-Where did you get
all those clubs?
-Oh, the usual place.
5
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:03,802
-Three from you,
three from my sleeve.
-[sighs]
6
00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:05,804
What've you got, kid?
7
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:08,155
-Sixty-four.
-Ooh. Bad news.
8
00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:10,635
Oh, I'll get you for this,
Whitfield. Mark my words.
9
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:12,463
I'd rather
mark your cards.
10
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,987
Gee, I don't know how to
tell you this, Houlihan,
but, uh...
11
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:17,555
you're into me for $3.19.
12
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:18,730
See me on payday.
13
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:22,256
Payday. Mmm.
14
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:24,388
Payday...
15
00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:27,043
I will be under
a hair dryer
16
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,784
at the Fort Meade
beauty parlor.
17
00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:31,178
That's right.
When are you leaving?
18
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:34,790
14 days, 8 hours
and 22 minutes.
19
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,835
You've got a lot of nerve,
Whitfield.
20
00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:39,577
You transfer out here
for two months,
take me to the cleaners,
21
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,101
and then waltz
back to the States
22
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:42,406
to live it up on my money.
23
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:47,672
But I'm gonna miss you.
24
00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:50,414
So deal. I don't have
much time to get even.
25
00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:52,808
Nah. I've had enough
for one night.
26
00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:55,332
Besides, I hate to see
a grown major cry.
27
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:58,466
Oh, sure, quit,
just when I was gettin' hot.
28
00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:01,425
I gotta write a letter
to my brother. I'll see ya.
29
00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:02,513
Good night, moneybags.
30
00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,167
Margaret.
31
00:02:05,255 --> 00:02:06,996
I'm gonna miss you, too.
32
00:02:10,695 --> 00:02:12,436
MAN [on P.A.]:
Hear ye, hear ye.
33
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,830
It is 0700,
and all is hell.
34
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,571
-Incoming wounded, folks.
-[helicopter whirring]
35
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:18,921
KELLYE: I'm gonna go
straight to O.R.,
36
00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:20,575
so if someone can
pick me up something to eat,
I'd really appreciate it.
37
00:02:20,618 --> 00:02:22,359
-I'll get it.
-Me, too.
38
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,752
[coughing]
39
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:25,319
Are you all right,
Captain?
40
00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:27,364
Oh, you know me.
41
00:02:27,408 --> 00:02:28,887
Just can't get
the motor going
42
00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:31,412
till I've had
my first cup of coffee.
43
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,849
[helicopter whirring]
44
00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:37,896
Captain Whitfield,
if you can't make it,
we'll cover for you.
45
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,855
Look, girlie,
I've never missed
an O.R. in my life.
46
00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:41,857
I'm not about to
start now.
47
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,859
I'll be there
in a minute.
48
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:46,514
I'll work you all
under the table.
49
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,690
Come on. Let's go.
50
00:02:48,733 --> 00:02:51,214
There we go.
Another satisfied customer
51
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,868
at Pierce's Body
and Femur Shop.
52
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,870
Go.
53
00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:57,264
Okay. Who's next? I have
a lovely table for one
54
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:58,830
with a view
of the ceiling.
55
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,093
Prepare to applaud,
Hippocratic oathers.
56
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:04,358
-We're out of wounded!
-[cheering]
57
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:06,664
What do you know?
The war is quitting
early today.
58
00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:08,753
Must have a headache
from all that noise.
59
00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:10,973
He'll be okay.
Let's give him another unit.
60
00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:13,236
Whitfield, another unit
of AB-positive over here.
61
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,629
Right, Major.
62
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:27,772
Captain, you got
the wrong stuff.
63
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:30,427
-Pardon me?
-They want AB-positive, right?
64
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:32,734
You grabbed
AB-negative.
65
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:36,955
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
66
00:03:36,999 --> 00:03:39,480
They ought to
mark this stuff
more clearly.
67
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,615
Finis.
68
00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,791
Who said it was impossible
to improve on perfection?
69
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:53,624
One more just came in.
Bad chest wounds.
70
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,539
I'll take him.
I can use the overtime.
71
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:58,760
Pierce, I am the ranking
thoracic expert.
72
00:03:58,803 --> 00:03:59,848
Right over here, fellas.
73
00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:06,420
Kellye,
I have to re-glove.
74
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:08,422
-HAWKEYE: Major Winchester.
-Yes?
75
00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:10,424
-Buns away!
-Huh? [gasps]
76
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,774
Pierce, are you crazed?
I have a wounded man
on the table!
77
00:04:12,817 --> 00:04:15,124
[Hawkeye laughing]
78
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:17,909
-He-- He made me do it.
-[laughing]
79
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:21,304
POTTER: Pierce,
there's a fine line
between fun and imbecility,
80
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,350
and you just
pole-vaulted over it.
81
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,526
Pierce,
82
00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:28,006
to violate the sanctity
of the operating room is,
83
00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:30,922
even for an intellectual
infant such as yourself,
84
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:32,315
an act of such
contemptibility,
85
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,578
I will not dignify it
with comment.
86
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,450
I-- I understand.
87
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:42,151
Hey. Hey.
Come on, everybody.
88
00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:45,894
That was just, you know, that
was like-- That was a joke.
89
00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:48,113
POTTER: Well, it was
just about as funny
90
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:50,551
as a sword-swallower
with swollen glands.
91
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,988
Well, trust Pierce to do
something so tasteless.
92
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,077
Yeah, well...
93
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,471
not exactly only me.
94
00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:59,516
I think I'll change.
95
00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:03,651
-Uh--
-Sorry, I'll get the next one.
96
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:09,352
Hey, come on, everybody.
That was funny.
97
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:14,836
Yeah, well, I guess
you had to be there.
98
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,359
[chattering]
99
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:19,275
[booing]
100
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,582
[all jeering]
101
00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:25,673
Please, please,
you're too kind.
102
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:28,545
Father, what would you think
about giving these people
103
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:31,548
a refresher course
in "thou shalt not kill"?
104
00:05:31,592 --> 00:05:34,116
Father?
Oh, no. Not you too.
105
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:37,554
Captain Pierce, having heard
about the callous prank
106
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,948
you played on poor
Major Winchester,
107
00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:42,211
I choose
not to speak to you.
108
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,908
For if I did,
I would tell you
109
00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:47,999
you are a goon
and a blockheaded bozo.
110
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:51,525
But as a man of God,
I'm above name-calling.
111
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,614
-Oh. Yeah.
-Good day.
112
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:56,312
[all cheering]
113
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,836
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you. That's very kind.
114
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,143
-Okay, Charles.
Let's get this settled.
-Settled?
115
00:06:01,186 --> 00:06:03,493
Settled. Let's get it settled.
Get even with me.
116
00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:05,843
Right here, in front of
everybody. Here. Come on.
117
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:08,542
Dump a tray of food all over me.
Or worse, make me eat it.
118
00:06:08,585 --> 00:06:10,413
Pierce, I could never do
anything so insensitive.
119
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,067
Sure you can. It's easy.
120
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,112
Come on. Get your revenge.
Tit for tat and all that.
121
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:16,506
I bear you no malice,
old fella.
122
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:19,204
-What a rotten thing to say.
-Oh, Pierce, I understand you.
123
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:21,555
I studied a bit of
child psychology, you know.
124
00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:23,078
And I have nothing but--
125
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:25,776
We must all have
compassion for--
126
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,909
Ladies and gentlemen,
we must all have compassion
127
00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,345
for the wretched harlequin
128
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,260
with his compulsive
need to amuse.
129
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,609
I say to you,
130
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,350
do not condemn
the pathetic clown,
131
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,613
but rather pity him.
132
00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:39,964
[all cheering]
133
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,879
Will you stop!
134
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,926
-Howdy.
-Don't howdy me,
135
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:47,319
you snake in a tent.
You-- You--
136
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:48,843
Hawk, you're upset.
137
00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:50,279
It's this little
idiosyncrasy I have.
138
00:06:50,322 --> 00:06:51,672
When a mess tent
full of people
139
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,978
tries to
tar and feather me,
I get ruffled.
140
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,937
Aha. They're still hot
about that trick
you pulled on Charles.
141
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,461
No, they're
hot about that trick
we pulled on Charles.
142
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,507
I had a partner
in slime, remember?
143
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,552
-Oh, that.
-Yes, that.
144
00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:05,163
I didn't know
I was gonna have
a silent partner.
145
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,252
-Ah, it's over now.
-It's not over.
146
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:08,645
My character
has been assassinated.
147
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:10,255
And the rest of me
may soon follow.
148
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:11,953
So what do you want me
to do about it?
149
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,390
I want you to put down that
damn darning and listen.
150
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,566
Confession could be
good for your soul.
151
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,525
I guarantee it'll
be good for your nose.
152
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:20,178
As I recall,
you did pull some strings.
153
00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:21,441
You gonna come clean or not?
154
00:07:21,484 --> 00:07:23,530
Not. Look,
in a couple of days
155
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,532
Winchester will try
something to get even,
156
00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:27,664
-and everything
will be copasetic.
-No way.
157
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:30,798
You should have seen
that conniving sneak.
158
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:33,104
There he was,
acting so nice to me.
159
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:36,064
Old pink tush knows that as
long as he doesn't retaliate,
160
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,805
I play the dragon
to his Saint George.
161
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,241
It doesn't matter.
162
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:40,547
Something bad is bound
to happen to you,
163
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,157
and he'll get
the blame.
164
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,594
With my luck, nothing rotten
will happen to me for years.
165
00:07:47,989 --> 00:07:50,557
[chuckling]
166
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,559
-[laughing]
-What?
167
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:56,388
I, uh-- I smell a rat,
and it's me. [chuckling]
168
00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:59,740
I don't think I like
the sound of that smell.
169
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:04,440
This is
the most brilliant idea
a sick mind ever had.
170
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,530
I'm gonna play
a practical joke on myself.
171
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,924
-That doesn't sound
very practical.
-Sure it does.
172
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:12,753
Charles will get blamed,
and I'll be vindicated.
173
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:15,756
And then I can stop lurking
in dark shadows and alleyways.
174
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,845
-That idea is not half bad.
-It's all bad.
175
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,848
That's what makes it
so great. Ha ha!
176
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:25,853
-♪♪ [Big Band on jukebox]
-See, this is Fort Meade,
177
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:27,942
-and right there is Dale City.
-Oh.
178
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:30,031
I can visit my folks
on weekends.
179
00:08:30,074 --> 00:08:33,338
No, no. The...
The army has obviously
fouled up your orders.
180
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:36,037
Nobody gets stationed
30 miles from home.
181
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,518
-I did. Home.
-Wow.
182
00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,041
It's been a long time.
183
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,999
I'm really looking
forward to it.
184
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:43,131
Here, you are, ma'am.
185
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:44,567
One scotch
for the Irish major.
186
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:45,873
How about a refill
on that soda, Captain?
187
00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,135
Uh, no, thank you.
I gotta be going.
188
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,484
Probably just as well.
189
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:49,877
A couple of classy
customers like yourselves
190
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,748
could ruin this club's
reputation.
191
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:54,446
Where are you going?
It's so early.
192
00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:55,970
I have to write
a letter to my brother.
193
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:57,711
Again? You wrote him
last night.
194
00:08:57,754 --> 00:09:00,322
Oh, no. Last night
I wrote my father.
195
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,585
Oh. Well, what's
the difference?
196
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,544
You'll be home before
the letter gets there.
197
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,371
Oh, I hope not.
I'm telling him
198
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:08,591
-to pick me up at the airport.
-Oh.
199
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,462
Where's Winchester?
Let's get this over with.
200
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:12,464
He'll be here any minute.
Now, you sure you
got this straight?
201
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:14,423
Well, it's very complicated,
but let's see if I'm close.
202
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,686
We go into the club.
Klinger directs us
to a table.
203
00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,209
You sit against
the far wall
204
00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:19,689
in a chair that is
covered with glue.
205
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,212
-Isn't that great?
-Wonderful.
206
00:09:21,256 --> 00:09:23,084
I've been practicing my
humiliated look all day.
207
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:25,042
Pierce,
you wanted to see me?
208
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:27,523
Charles, indeed I do.
209
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,742
Well?
210
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:31,222
I behaved very badly
toward you today.
211
00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:33,224
Oh, Pierce,
you are too modest.
212
00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:35,313
Your behavior was disgusting,
reprehensible.
213
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:39,622
Even worse. I'd like
to make amends. Really.
214
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,102
Can I buy you a drink?
215
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,713
Oh! The rogue attempts
to assuage his conscience.
216
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,193
-Come on.
-And it--
217
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,325
And it will cost him money.
That's wonderful.
218
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:49,501
-I accept.
-Oh. Ah.
219
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:50,894
Thank you.
220
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,898
-Hi, guys.
-Hi.
221
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:57,205
-Your table's
right over there.
-Thank you, Max.
222
00:09:57,248 --> 00:09:58,946
Oh, don't forget.
This is on
Mr. Pierce's tab.
223
00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:01,035
He's the lanky fellow
with the egg on his face.
224
00:10:01,078 --> 00:10:03,037
-Margaret, would you
like to join us?
-Oh, no, thanks.
225
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:04,908
I caught your matinee
performance in O.R.
226
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,388
I'll be in my tent.
227
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,346
Okay. Good.
You sit there.
Uh, no, no!
228
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:10,261
Uh, no. Why don't you
sit over here, Charles?
229
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:11,872
-Why?
-Huh?
230
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:14,048
What possible difference
could it make where I sit?
231
00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:15,353
Because, you know--
232
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:16,833
Well, you saw that
ugly mob before,
233
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:18,356
I gotta keep
my back to the wall.
234
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,097
Oh, yeah, well,
that's quite understandable.
235
00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:22,883
The survival instinct
is strong in
the lower species.
236
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,494
Oh, my!
237
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,539
What has happened?
238
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:29,541
I'm...
239
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,326
not stuck to my chair.
240
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:38,942
Uh, I suddenly feel as though
there is something...
241
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:41,510
very wrong...
242
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:43,991
down there.
243
00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:46,558
No. No!
244
00:10:46,602 --> 00:10:49,997
Oh, my scheming friend.
245
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:54,915
Now I understand why you
so carefully ushered me
to this chair.
246
00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:57,178
-No.
-Hawkeye, I don't believe you.
247
00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:58,658
Enough is enough.
248
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,008
Charles, I swear.
There's been a mistake.
249
00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,923
Oh, oh, indeed.
There has.
250
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,968
But it was mine.
Oh, honestly.
251
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,709
In believing for
the briefest moment
252
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,669
that you were actually
a civilized human being.
253
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,758
[groans]
254
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:14,064
[crowd murmuring]
255
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:16,066
Max, give me a knife.
256
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,807
Major, don't.
It's not worth it.
257
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:18,939
For my pants.
258
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:21,376
-Oh.
-[groans]
259
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:23,770
Attention. Attention,
all personnel. [chuckles]
260
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:26,860
It would appear that
old Doc Funny Pants
is at it again,
261
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,732
and once again,
I am the butt of his joke.
262
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:32,474
[booing]
263
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:36,783
Please, please, please.
We must all remember that
the poor man is demented.
264
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:39,394
He's obviously suffering
from a fanny fetish.
265
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:41,265
[laughing]
266
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,615
Thank you all very much.
You are indeed
267
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:45,400
a source of inspiration
during these--
268
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:48,708
[gasps]--
difficult times.
269
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:51,798
I assure you.
I shall endure.
270
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,756
[cheering]
271
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:59,414
Thank you, Max.
Thank you.
272
00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,764
Klinger, I will need
another pair of trousers.
273
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:05,725
-[laughs] Perhaps, uh, several.
-[laughter]
274
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:09,946
No telling how often
I'll be torpedoed by
Rear Admiral Pierce.
275
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:12,209
Thank you.
276
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,211
It was supposed to be
this chair.
277
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:16,257
This is getting pretty
embarrassing, you know.
278
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,999
If you plan
any more stupidity,
just plan it alone.
279
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:21,523
[shouting]
280
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:29,531
Pants, pants.
About a 42, extra pompous.
281
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,446
-[metal clangs]
-Oh!
282
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:34,014
[speaking Arabic] Oh!
283
00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:55,339
I've got the supply
requisitions, sir.
284
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,863
I'll check 'em
as soon as I put
285
00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:58,690
a little twinkle
in Teddy's peepers.
286
00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:01,911
Great man, T.R.
Tough as a two-bit steak.
287
00:13:01,955 --> 00:13:04,784
-How true. Sir, could I
ask you something?
-[groans]
288
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:07,656
Got too much red
in the man's cheeks.
289
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:10,224
Aw, hell,
I'll just say he spent
the day at the beach.
290
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:12,226
Sir, this is
kind of important.
291
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:14,750
I need some advice
on a sensitive matter.
292
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,057
Advice, huh?
Well, why didn't you say so?
293
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,493
What's your problem, son?
294
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,234
Oh, no, sir, it's not mine.
295
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:21,801
Really. It's, uh--
296
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,237
It's about this friend
in a MASH unit.
297
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,979
Uh, not here.
Back in Toledo.
298
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:29,460
Right. I hear the fighting's
been real fierce
back there lately.
299
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:31,071
Well, the thing of it is,
300
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:33,638
my friend knows something
bad about somebody.
301
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:35,118
Something
that's gotta be told,
302
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,554
but he doesn't want to be
303
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:38,426
a dirty, low-down,
squealing stool pigeon.
304
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,515
Son, if there's something
going on around here
305
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:41,864
that I should know about,
306
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,866
you'd be right to tell me.
307
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:47,043
Now you've gone
and forced it out of me.
308
00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:49,219
Well--
309
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:53,484
Oh, boy. I don't know
how to say this.
310
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,791
Last night, kind of late,
311
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:59,186
I had to get something
from the supply room,
312
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,752
and I found
Captain Whitfield in there
313
00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:03,538
all alone in the dark
and drunk as a skunk.
314
00:14:03,581 --> 00:14:05,583
Huh.
That's pretty strange.
315
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,194
And there's something else.
316
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:08,978
I-- I didn't think
much of it at the time,
317
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:11,589
but yesterday in O.R.,
I had to stop her
318
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,287
from giving you
the wrong type blood.
319
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:17,073
And the bottle was
labeled plain as day.
320
00:14:17,117 --> 00:14:19,510
I think maybe
I better have a talk
321
00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,295
with Major Houlihan
about this.
322
00:14:21,338 --> 00:14:23,688
Helen Whitfield
is the best nurse I have!
323
00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:25,429
I'm not saying she ain't.
324
00:14:25,473 --> 00:14:27,562
What you're saying is there's
a double standard here.
325
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,651
-A woman can't get
a little drunk.
-That's not what--
326
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:31,696
Sure, Pierce and Hunnicutt
and all of the guys
327
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,960
can get blottoed and act
like fools all the time--
328
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,396
-Margaret, I--
-Even you have been known
329
00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,093
to crawl back
to your tent on all fours
330
00:14:37,137 --> 00:14:38,486
at all hours of the night!
331
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:41,054
All right.
Hold the insolence.
332
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:44,231
I'm sorry.
333
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,276
Margaret, your point
is well taken
334
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,148
and certainly well heard.
335
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:51,151
God knows
life in the service
is no bed of roses.
336
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:53,370
More than a fair share
of military folk
337
00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:55,198
wind up with their head
in the bottle.
338
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:57,809
Now your friend was
drinking pretty heavily
339
00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,986
in the supply room alone.
340
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:04,120
Doesn't that sound
the tiniest bit peculiar?
341
00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:07,254
She probably just wanted
a little privacy, that's all.
342
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:10,735
Uh-huh. And what about
the problem in O.R.?
343
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,868
-So, one little problem.
-One that we know about.
344
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,870
I wonder how many
we don't know about.
345
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,960
We can't afford to
take chances in O.R.
346
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,657
You two go way back,
Margaret,
347
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:21,659
so let me just
ask you flat out.
348
00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:24,053
Have you ever known her
to have a drinking problem?
349
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,621
-Absolutely not.
-Okay, if you say so.
350
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,666
Don't worry, sir.
I'll take care of it.
351
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,973
I'm sure it was just
a one-time thing.
352
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:38,328
I just lied
through my teeth for you.
353
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,200
You told me
before you came here
354
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:41,679
you were off the booze!
355
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,072
-I am.
-Oh!
356
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:44,595
Then who was that
last night
357
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,902
on the floor
in the supply room?
358
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:51,080
Okay. Okay.
359
00:15:51,124 --> 00:15:54,040
It was me.
360
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:55,432
So what's
the big deal?
361
00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:57,260
I hopped off the wagon
for one night.
362
00:15:57,304 --> 00:16:00,176
This, uh-- This place is-- It's
no picnic, you know.
363
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:02,962
Oh, don't give me that,
Helen! That's too easy.
364
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,615
You've been here
for two months,
365
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,052
and you've been drinking
for years.
366
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,228
Things were different
in the old days.
367
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:11,274
In this unit, you can't
take three-day weekends.
368
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:13,929
You can't be the party girl
you used to be.
369
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,192
Come on, Margaret,
you know me.
370
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,759
When the bell rings,
I'm always ready.
371
00:16:17,802 --> 00:16:19,674
Well, you didn't
answer it yesterday.
372
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,067
Colonel Potter
just told me
373
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:24,548
you nearly gave a patient
the wrong blood type.
374
00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:27,203
Did that have anything
to do with the booze?
375
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:29,989
Absolutely not.
376
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:31,991
I--I made a mistake.
377
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:34,689
I grabbed the wrong bottle.
378
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:37,039
Oh, you're n--
you're not turning that
379
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,693
into a big drinking problem.
380
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:45,091
I'm sorry, but I can't
let you work in O.R.
381
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,008
I'm going to put you
in the lab.
382
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:50,835
And now I'm gonna have to
figure out something
383
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:53,316
to tell Colonel Potter.
384
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:57,364
I'm an O.R. nurse.
How can you do this to me?
385
00:16:57,407 --> 00:16:59,322
Because I care about you.
386
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:02,499
If you care about me,
couldn't you just drop it?
387
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:05,024
People's lives are at stake.
388
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:08,157
Not to mention your career.
And now mine.
389
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:10,551
Helen, we have to face this.
390
00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,248
You may have
a serious problem.
391
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,861
That's ridiculous.
392
00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:19,342
This--
This happens to people.
393
00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:22,171
Our life is no bed of roses.
394
00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:25,000
But if I'm gonna help you,
you've gotta level with me.
395
00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:31,180
Margaret,
I know you went out
on the limb for me,
396
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:34,053
but I tell you
there's no problem.
397
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,666
You've got to give me
a chance to prove myself.
398
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,279
I'll do anything
to keep this off my record.
399
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:45,977
Don't you think
I want to believe you?
400
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:49,720
I can't afford to
take a chance.
401
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:52,201
I'm putting you in the lab.
402
00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:54,116
And if there's
another foul-up,
403
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,509
it goes on your record.
404
00:17:57,815 --> 00:17:59,861
Margaret,
you're my best friend.
405
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:03,517
I won't let you down.
406
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,606
You can watch me
like a hawk.
407
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,564
I won't touch another drop.
408
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:09,523
I promise.
409
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,701
Okay, okay.
410
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,748
Klinger,
old pal, old buddy.
411
00:18:17,792 --> 00:18:18,923
Forget it, forget it!
I'm tapped out.
412
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:20,751
I haven't got
a cent to my name.
413
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,275
Don't worry. All I want
to borrow from you
414
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:24,103
is a little bit
of your time.
415
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,452
I want to play a joke,
416
00:18:25,495 --> 00:18:26,844
and B.J. just quit
as my partner.
417
00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:28,759
Oh, great.
I love this stuff.
418
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:31,414
So, what are we gonna
do to Major Winchester's
pants this time?
419
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:33,764
Soak 'em in lighter fluid
and burn 'em off of him?
420
00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:35,462
Or the old
exploding belt trick.
421
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:37,768
Major Winchester's pants
are strictly off limits.
422
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,988
I never want to see
that keister again.
423
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,860
The recipient
of this tomfoolery
will be Ben Pierce.
424
00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:44,427
You're gonna pull
your own pants down?
425
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:46,081
Wrong,
but you catch on fast.
426
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,257
This joke on me
is not gonna backfire
427
00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:50,172
the way the one in
the "O" Club did.
428
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,696
I think I need a compass
for this conversation.
429
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,873
Are you trying to say
that the joke and the glue
were supposed to be on you?
430
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:57,440
Of course they were.
Don't you remember?
431
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,660
You were in on
the whole thing.
432
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:01,705
You know what, Captain?
433
00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:05,013
I think the joke
really was on you.
434
00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:07,058
Charles, I have something
incredible to tell you.
435
00:19:07,102 --> 00:19:09,670
Here you are, Pierce.
Let me make this easy
for you.
436
00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:11,150
-There you go.
-No, no.
437
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:12,760
I don't want your pants.
I come in peace.
438
00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:15,066
Oh, no need to pull my leg,
Pierce. Here you go.
439
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,112
Now you say "Gotcha,
Charles. Ha ha ha,"
440
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,722
and then you leave.
441
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:20,768
-How can I make you
listen to me?
-Cannot.
442
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,813
Okay. Fine. Here you go.
443
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:25,903
Here you are. Look.
Here's a show of good faith.
444
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,645
Oh, the nudist magazines have
finally taken their toll, eh?
445
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,299
No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
446
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:31,909
All I want is a brief
conversation.
447
00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:33,302
Concerning what?
448
00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:37,698
Concerning your enemy
and mine, B.J. Hunnicutt.
449
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,656
This is a man
with two faces,
450
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,658
each one containing
a forked tongue.
451
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,269
-Why? What's he done?
-Everything.
452
00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:45,662
I was supposed to sit in that
glue in the Officers Club,
453
00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:47,447
only he arranged it so
the chairs would be switched
454
00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:48,883
and you'd get it again.
455
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:51,015
Mm-hmm. You expect me
to believe this, Pierce?
456
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:53,844
Charles, I swear
I'm telling the naked truth.
457
00:19:53,888 --> 00:19:55,933
As-- As Klinger
is my witness.
458
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,762
He was the one
who switched the chairs
on B.J.'s instructions.
459
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:02,026
And it was B.J.'s idea
that you go bareback
in the O.R., too.
460
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:04,768
Pierce, this sounds like
the rantings of a lunatic.
461
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:07,423
Are you telling me
this is true?
462
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:08,859
Absolutely.
463
00:20:08,903 --> 00:20:12,298
Our own clean-cut, adorable,
soft-spoken B.J.
464
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,691
is a perverse genius.
465
00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:16,476
He magnificently
orchestrated things
466
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:17,955
so you'd get humiliated,
467
00:20:17,999 --> 00:20:20,262
I'd get blamed,
and he'd get his jollies.
468
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:23,831
My word. Machiavelli
would have been proud.
469
00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,180
-But it's not over yet.
-No?
470
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,529
You know the old saying:
471
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:28,792
he who lives by the joke
shall die by the joke.
472
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:31,708
[birds chirping]
473
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:40,195
-[laughing]
-Oh, boy.
474
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:43,372
-Hi.
-Hi.
475
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,592
-ALL: Hi!
-Hi.
476
00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:48,116
-You come here often,
big fella?
-[chuckles]
477
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,118
Would you excuse me,
ple-- Oh!
478
00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:52,120
-ALL: Ooh!
-He's shy.
479
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,687
-Yes.
-Mm-hmm!
480
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,299
-Oh.
-What's the matter?
481
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,910
-Oh, nice touch, Hawkeye.
-[giggling]
482
00:20:59,954 --> 00:21:01,303
Anybody got a robe
I can borrow?
483
00:21:01,347 --> 00:21:03,566
Oh, gee, I'd love
to help you out,
484
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,176
-but mine are at the cleaners.
-You wouldn't look good
in green.
485
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:06,656
Okay, ladies,
you got a new roommate.
486
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,267
As long as I don't have
a thing to wear,
487
00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:09,833
there is nothing gonna
get me out of this bed.
488
00:21:09,877 --> 00:21:11,487
Man [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
489
00:21:11,531 --> 00:21:13,402
War marches on.
We've got wounded.
490
00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:16,144
Except that.
Pardon me while I, uh,
491
00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:17,711
slip into something
embarrassing.
492
00:21:17,754 --> 00:21:19,974
Sure. Ooh, nice wheels.
493
00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:22,106
-Bye.
-See ya!
494
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,979
-Excuse me.
-[whooping]
495
00:21:25,022 --> 00:21:28,330
[laughter]
496
00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:31,246
Sorry, Dr. Hunnicutt.
They made me do it.
497
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,596
Smile, Hunnicutt.
Say cheesecake.
498
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,642
[laughing]
499
00:21:35,685 --> 00:21:37,731
-Can I have my pillow back?
-No.
500
00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:46,827
I see your friend
Captain Whitfield
over there.
501
00:21:46,870 --> 00:21:48,481
How's she faring?
Still in dry dock?
502
00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:49,830
She's just great.
503
00:21:49,873 --> 00:21:51,571
One way or another
I've made sure that
504
00:21:51,614 --> 00:21:53,660
she hasn't been alone
for the past two days,
505
00:21:53,703 --> 00:21:56,010
so if she's
sneaking any booze,
it's been intravenously.
506
00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:58,317
Thanks.
507
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:01,363
Wait a minute.
What is this?
508
00:22:01,407 --> 00:22:03,626
Our own version of
beef stew, ma'am.
509
00:22:05,193 --> 00:22:07,238
It looks awful.
510
00:22:07,282 --> 00:22:09,153
No more than usual.
511
00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:11,808
It's got things in it.
512
00:22:13,723 --> 00:22:15,334
[screams]
They're crawling on me!
513
00:22:15,377 --> 00:22:16,857
-Get off! Get off!
-Calm down!
514
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:18,859
Don't touch me!
Get away!
515
00:22:18,902 --> 00:22:20,817
What is it?
What's the matter?
516
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,819
[screaming]
They're everywhere!
517
00:22:22,863 --> 00:22:25,213
-They're everywhere!
-Stop it!
518
00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:28,303
HELEN:
They're everywhere!
519
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:30,305
Kellye, paraldehyde!
Five CC's!
520
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,698
[screaming]
521
00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:33,352
What's with her?
She's nuts.
522
00:22:33,395 --> 00:22:35,397
No, she's not.
She's got the D.T.s.
523
00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:36,877
She didn't seem drunk.
524
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,269
You don't get 'em
when you're drunk.
525
00:22:38,313 --> 00:22:39,749
You get 'em when
you're drying out.
526
00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:41,403
I'm sorry, sir.
I would have told you
527
00:22:41,447 --> 00:22:43,405
-if I'd known it was this bad.
-I know.
528
00:22:43,449 --> 00:22:46,060
Obviously, she fooled
a lot of people,
but worst of all herself.
529
00:22:46,103 --> 00:22:48,932
-I'm so cold.
-It's okay. It's okay.
530
00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:52,153
It's all right.
It's okay. It's okay.
531
00:22:52,196 --> 00:22:55,417
See? I told you
I could do it, Margaret.
532
00:22:55,461 --> 00:22:57,506
I'm keeping my word.
533
00:22:57,550 --> 00:23:00,814
Shh. Shh. Shh.
534
00:23:01,945 --> 00:23:03,120
Shh.
535
00:23:09,170 --> 00:23:10,563
"...and in just
a short time,
536
00:23:10,606 --> 00:23:11,999
"I've really made
a lot of progress.
537
00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:14,958
"I'm not afraid anymore.
538
00:23:15,002 --> 00:23:18,353
"It's not so difficult to
admit you're an alcoholic
539
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:19,963
"when there are many
others here who are."
540
00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:22,575
Sounds good. The biggest
step in recovering
541
00:23:22,618 --> 00:23:24,925
is admitting
you've got a problem.
542
00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:27,754
-I sure hope she makes it.
-Yeah. Me, too.
543
00:23:27,797 --> 00:23:31,192
This kind of news
calls for a little toast.
What do you say, Margaret?
544
00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:33,586
Good idea, sir.
Klinger, we'll both have
a scotch and water.
545
00:23:33,629 --> 00:23:36,589
-And hold the scotch.
-Gotcha.
546
00:23:36,632 --> 00:23:39,200
Oh. These came out great.
547
00:23:39,243 --> 00:23:41,594
That B.J. is the living end.
548
00:23:41,637 --> 00:23:45,554
Proof positive that
behind every great man
there's a great behind.
549
00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:47,556
These are wonderful.
What took you so long
with these?
550
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,384
Well, to develop
photos of this sort,
551
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,516
you need more than
a darkroom.
552
00:23:50,559 --> 00:23:52,735
You need a dark alley.
553
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:55,956
Ah, ah.
Not funny. Not funny.
554
00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:57,914
My, isn't he
the testy one?
555
00:23:57,958 --> 00:23:59,655
He's gonna be
absolutely beside himself
556
00:23:59,699 --> 00:24:02,528
when he sees those 8x10's
on the bulletin board.
557
00:24:02,571 --> 00:24:04,268
-No.
-Yeah.
558
00:24:04,312 --> 00:24:06,532
[screams]
559
00:24:06,575 --> 00:24:08,490
♪♪ [theme]
560
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:20,763
♪♪ [theme]
41980
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