All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S09E11 - No Sweat (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

[crickets chirping]

[groans]

[grunts]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[exhales]

KLINGER:
Look out!

Great Caesar's salad,
Klinger.

What are you doing up
at 3:00 in the a.m.?

Couldn't sleep, sir.
The heat, sir.

That's one I can buy.

Must be
extra tropical for you,

totin' around that permanent
vicuna coat.

Perhaps you'd
care to explain

the fallout from
the Motorola plant.

I took the P.A. system
apart, sir.

What in blazes for?
We need that contraption.

I know that full well,
my bleary-eyed boss.

I figured
the middle of the night

would be the perfect time
to get some off-the-job
training

for my new
mail order course.

In what?
Office demolition?

No, sir.
Electronics.

Someday this little
shoot-out's going to end.

And when this Johnny
comes marching home,

it'll be with a screwdriver
in his hand.

-You gonna fix radios?
-No, sir. Television.

The wave of the future,

which, thanks to
good old Yankee know-how,

will mean busted sets
by the millions.

And Max Klinger
will be there to reap

the whirlwind of outrageous
repair prices.

Mark this, Marconi.

When reveille blows,
this system better be workin'

or you'll be spending
the rest of this war
on the roof

screaming messages
at the top of your
furry lungs.

No problem, sir.

Come daybreak,
it'll be back together
P.A.ing like a kitten.

May I ask what you're
doing up at this hour?

Same thing I've been doing
for the last three nights,
not sleepin'.

This heat's enough to melt
the spots off a pinto.

I was headin' to my office
to get a sleepin' pill.

Wouldn't it be easier
if you just kept 'em
by your bed?

Exactly why I don't.

It's too ready a temptation
anytime the Z's don't come
right away.

-They're only for emergencies.
-Is there one now, sir?

Well, look around, lad.

This whole camp is
down with a case of
the sweltering grumpies.

And if its commander doesn't
get a few winks soon,

-he's not gonna be worth
a hill of limas.
-Mmm.

I don't believe this.

How many times are you
gonna read that letter
from Peg?

What difference
does it make to you?

I was finally almost asleep.

Luckily,
you turned the light on again

so I could
watch myself wake up.

I'm sorry.
I'm not sleepy.

So we have to
stay up all night playing
"turkey in the oven."

I lie here roasting,

and you keep
turning on the light
to see if I'm done.

Very funny.

You still don't want to
tell me what's in the letter.

-It's none of your business.
-Okay. You want to keep me
in the dark? Fine.

Do it in the dark.
Charles and I would like
to get some sleep.

Okay. Okay.

Where's Charles?

State of Massachusetts,
debentures, uh--

interest income, 1949.

The Winchester Enterprises.

Mallet repair,
Cape Cod Polo Club.

That'd be entertainment--
Ah, medical.

Oh,
Major Winchester.

I see you couldn't
sleep either.

-Hot enough for you?
-Father.

My, my,
that's quite an array.

May one ask
what you're doing
at this late hour?

These are my financial
and tax records
for the past three years.

Since it is
impossible to sleep
in this Oriental oven,

I'm utilizing
these large tables to,
uh, sort it all out.

Oh. Is that what
wealthy people do

instead of
counting sheep?

Hardly.

My father has just rushed
this monetary memorabilia,

because I'm the only person
who can decipher it properly

apart from our trusted
family accountant.

Why on earth
isn't he doing it?

Because,
as of last Tuesday,

our C.P.A. is
a certified public enemy

having been incarcerated
on five counts of fraud,

two counts of
embezzlement,

and countless counts
concerning accounts
for which he cannot...

[chuckles]
account.

My word. How awful.

What is awful is that the
Internal Revenue Service
is suddenly quite curious

about the internal revenue
of the Winchesters
and the Emersons,

and their vast financial...
enterprises.

Well, looks like you've set
quite a task for yourself.

-Mmm.
-Anything I can do to help?

No, thank you.

I alone must bear the brunt
of this numerical nightmare.

Nonsense.
The very least I can do is
dash off to the kitchen,

and fix us a nice
frosty pitcher of lemonade.

-Oh, great.
-My, my.

You seem to have a lot
of friends in Switzerland.

[chuckles]
Yeah.

Good night, sir.
I hope the pill works.

I can feel it
starting already.

Usually one of these
puts my lights out but good.

"Buenas notches."

-Hawk?
-Hmm?

You really want to know
what's bothering me
in that letter?

-Can it be told in the dark?
-Yeah, sure.

-All right, what's
the problem, Beej?
-[sighs]

Peg says the gutters
have to be cleaned out.

-Yeah, and?
-That's it.

Wait a minute. Let me see
if I've got this clear.

You're talking about gutters,

those things that stick out
from the end of the roof,

and the rain goes in them,

and they need to be
cleaned out, right?

Yeah. Damn it!

Well, I can certainly
understand your anguish.

That's grounds for
a hardship discharge
if I ever heard one.

Please, feel free
to wake me again any time.

Like if she runs out
of dental floss.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

What the hell do you care
about my problems anyway?

-You gotta be kidding.
-[vehicle approaches]

You're up half the night
blinding me over gutters?

-And--
-[brakes squeal]

Let's go, Beej.
I think we got a customer.

[radiator hissing,
door closes]

Welcome to our
all-night drive-in.

Hope whoever you brought in
is in better shape

than what you brought him in.

He got hit on night patrol,

and it's taken us
four hours to get him here.

Stupid engine
kept boiling over.

His gut looks like
a jigsaw puzzle,

and I think a couple
of pieces are missing.

This damn heat and the delay
have got him very dehydrated.

-Get him inside right away.
-More fluid. Pump it in
as fast as it'll go.

Kellye, we gotta operate
right now.

-Go wake up Major Houlihan and
tell her to bring a friend.
-Right.

Our best shot is to
patch him up quick,

-and get him off to
a nice cool hospital.
-HAWKEYE: Yeah.

-Anything I can do
to help, sirs?
-Yeah. Get on the phone.

Tell I-Corps to get
a helicopter out here
first thing in the morning.

The Colonel's the only one
who can authorize that.

-So? Get him to authorize it.
-Yes, sir.

And as soon as you do that,

get over to B.J.'s house
and clean out his gutters.

Get Joanne.
I'll take the other spot.
I can't sleep anyway.

-Oh, isn't this heat terrible?
-That's just the half of it.

It's given me
a prize-winning case
of prickly heat

all over my butt.

I've never itched so much
in my life.

The more I sweat,
the worse it gets.

Have you put any
camphor menthol on it?

With all the cases
we've had around here

the past few days,
we're out.

I'd kill
for just one bottle.

I'll tell the doctors
you're on your way.

Oh, Kellye, Kellye,
whatever you do,

don't whisper
a word about this
to either of them.

If those two clowns knew
I had a rash on my rear,

I'd never hear
the end of it.

-Yes.
-So to speak.

Oh, boy, look at him.
Just like a baby.

Why me?
[sighs]

Oh, kind and weary
chieftain,

I hate to be
a pill-pooper, sir,

but you have to
get up, sir.

-Sir?
-Wha-- What? Who's there?

Uh, Captain Pierce,
he made me do it, sir.

Oh! Good morning.

Uh, it's not exactly
morning yet, sir.

-Uh, you're needed
on the phone.
-The phone?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, this is not going to be
a piece of baklava.

[grunts]

It's very easy, sir.
You just need to order
a chopper for the morning.

Did you put the cat out,
Mildred?

I-Corps? Great.
This is MASH 4077.

Hold on for Colonel Potter.

-Order for the morning.
-Hello, room service?

Send up a couple of
poached eggs,
a bowl of prunes--

Sir, a helicopter.
Order a helicopter.

No, thanks.
I'm not that hungry.

Send us a helicopter.

[slowly]
Send us a helicopter.

First thing
in the morning.

First thing in the--

-Morning.
-Morning.

You got that?
Terrific.

Perfect, sir.
I'll take you back to bed now.

Sir?

You did just fine, sir.

Don't forget
the porch light, dear.

HAWKEYE: They said,
"Join the army and
see the world."

So, here I am in Korea,
removing Chinese metal

from an American soldier
in a Turkish bath.

-How are you doing,
giggles?
-How should I be doing?

Ah, you'll have to excuse
Andy Grump, ladies.

He can't get his mind
out of the gutter.

All I know is
if I was home,

I'd be up there right now
cleaning out that gutter.

HAWKEYE:
You got a bad case of
heat frustration.

Margaret,
how's the saline doin'?

[groans]
Uh, fine, Doctor.

-Fine.
-Can anybody loan me a
five-year deodorant pad?

Sure. It doesn't mean
anything to you.

But I know Peg,
and she's gonna be up there

-trying to
clean 'em out herself.
-So what? Retractor.

So, she'll use the ladder
in the garage,

and I left without telling her
the third rung was broken,

and she'll fall
and break her neck.

Oh, so that's it.
What are you worried about?

She'll see it and she call
a neighbor for help.

Oh, that'd be just great.
You wanna know about
our neighbors?

-No.
-On the one side,
there's Eddie Hoffman

who's bagged
most of the time.

If he got on a ladder,
he'd fall right off
on his face,

and then get up
and slap a million dollar
lawsuit on me.

-Clamp.
-Or Peg could ask
our other neighbor,

Old Man Wallerstein.
He's maybe 83.

-Clamp.
-He'd be only too happy to

-go up and have
a heart attack.
-Butterfly net.

And there was
the summer of '39.

Oh. I think that was
the hottest.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I'm forgetting '46.

That was a real scorcher
indeed.

Do you recall
which one was hotter?

Thank goodness this is
the last of it.

Oh, how nice.

-Now you can get some rest.
-[sarcastic chuckle]

Would that were possible,
Father.

But first, I have to record
all these stupid figures,

then make copies of it,

and then
have the table cleared
before morning.

-Major, you're looking
quite haggard.
-Thank you.

As a member of our
armed forces,

surely the government would
give you additional time.

Me, yes.
My family, no.

Their taxes are due
posthaste.

And we are trying to avoid
many unhappy returns.

Oh, I don't quite
follow you.

Well, you see--
[clears throat]

Father, in sophisticated
financial circles, uh,

a certain amount of
give-and-take is required.

Ergo, when you take an income
deduction from one source,

-there must be a concomitant
give from another source.
-Hmm.

I'm still not quite sure
I understand.

Right.
Naturally, my family and I
have decided to make

full disclosure of
exactly what happened.

So, we must compare notes
as to exactly, heh--
what happened.

Oh, in other words,
what you're trying
so delicately to tell me

is the family
that pays together,
stays together.

-[laughs]
-[chuckles]

HAWKEYE:
Look, maybe she won't
clean them at all.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
No, no, pal.

First good rain,
they overflow right into
the basement window well.

Zap, the whole
cellar's flooded.

That's where the furnace is.

The water seeps right up
and puts out the pilot light.

Don't you have a handyman
or somebody you can use
for odd jobs?

-Oh-ho! No, you don't.
Not Carl.
-Oh, well, not Carl.

Of course not. Carl.
How stupid of me.
What's wrong with Carl?

He's maybe 6 foot 4
and works out with weights.

Got these huge arms.

Well, that certainly is
a strike against a handyman.
Strength.

-How's this guy's pressure?
-Fine.

Wears skintight T-shirts
with the sleeves cut off.

He's better looking
than Errol Flynn.

She's only human,
you know.

First, it's the gutters,
then he says, uh,

"Anything else I can do,
Mrs. Hunnicutt?"

Then she says,
"Well, for starters,
you can call me Peg."

Some fun, huh, Joanne?

Over here,
we got a guy who's
losing his marbles,

and over there, a woman
who's slipping on them.

Klinger! You simian dolt.
What are you doing?

Almost having
a heart attack.

It's not nice to
sneak up on people.

Well, I didn't expect to
find you awake and
practicing sabotage.

Do you know anything
about P.A. systems?

Only that they convey sound
at a greatly increased volume

if they have not been
dismantled by a cretin

who doesn't know how to
put them back together again.

Hey, hey.
What are you doing?

I am trolling
this sea of rubbish

in search of some
carbon paper.

Where is it?

You come in here
and insult me,

and then expect me to
let you dip into

my precious allotment
of office supplies?

Klinger!

Klinger,
you're absolutely right.
I beg your forgiveness.

This, uh, intemperate weather
has made me rather intemperate.

Klinger, I would be
eternally grateful

if you could
see your way clear to

allowing me to use
some of your carbon paper.

That's much better.
You know the old saying.

"You catch more flies with oil
than you can with vinegar."

-Indubitably.
-There you go, sir.

[laughs]
Are you mad?

These pathetic things
look as though

they've been through
the Calgary Stampede.

Surely you have
more than this.

Quite true,
my sweaty surgeon.

Without this black gold,
I might as well close up shop.

The rest is in the safe.

Carbon paper in the safe.
What brilliant foresight.

In only 2 million years,
it will turn into diamonds.

Facetious,
but erroneous.

I must protect
my last two dozen sheets.

I don't need two dozen.
I only need five.
Open the safe.

-I'd be only too happy
to accommodate you.
-Wonderful.

But I can't.
I don't know
the combination.

Only the colonel does.

And I wouldn't wake him up
if you put a hand grenade
in my shorts.

You'll have to wait
till morning.

I cannot wait until morning.

Yoo-hoo.

-Noble warrior?
-Huh? Huh? Huh--

-[grunting]
-Here we go.

I know the hour
is late, sir,

but, I-- I am in
the direst of straits.

Straight?
My full house beats that.

Okay, gang, I think I got
all the enemy souvenirs
out of his war chest.

3.0 chromic G.I.,
my dear.

Thank you.
Stay with the dextrose
and saline in post-op.

Keep him as cool as possible
till that chopper gets here.

-Chopper?
-Yeah, we're evac-ing him
as soon as possible.

How soon?

Sunup, I hope. Why?

No reason.

That's an excellent idea.
Very good.

I don't know about you,
boys and girls,

but as soon as I'm through
sewing here,

I will be threading my way
to the showers.

I assume they're working.

Unless, of course,
the plumber has run off
with Mrs. Hunnicutt.

-[crickets chirping]
-There we go.

Never fear, Colonel,
we'll have you back in bed
in an instant.

Thank you, Klinger.

-[whispering] Klinger!
-Oh, the bats are out tonight.

Get on the phone
right away.

I'm really very busy
right now.

I've almost got this
stupid thing fixed.

I don't care what you've got.
I need to reach I-Corps

in time to get some medicine
on that chopper.

-So snap to it.
-I'd love to help you out.

But unfortunately,
there's only one person--

MARGARET:
Please, sir. Please.

I'm really sorry to have to
trouble you like this, sir,

but you see,
I have an irritation.

-You're very kind,
Major Winchester.
-Oh, wonderful.

Sir, I need medicine.
I-- For my--

Where I sit,
I have an inflammation.

I hope you got the chopper
so you could make copies of it
with the carbon paper.

Swell.
Sir, listen to me.

♪♪ [vocalizing]

Ahh, wet water,
the best kind.

Nothing like
a good spritzing

after a long hard day in
beautiful downtown hell.

What do you say, Beej?
You starting to cool off?

Well, a little.

That's the ticket.

There's really nothin'
to worry about, you know?

Peg's a big girl.

One way or another your
gutters will get cleaned out,

and everything will be
just fine.

-Yeah, she'll
take care of it.
-Sure.

[chuckles]
Probably better than
if I were there to help.

I'm sure she's becoming
more self-sufficient
all the time.

Yeah.

Matter of fact, by now,
she probably gets along
just fine without me.

I might as well just
stay away altogether.

What the hell does she
need me for anyway?

You are a complete
and total jerk.

No wonder Peg is
leaving you.

Uh, $681.78,
uh, medical total--

Ah, you certainly have
a way with figures, Major.

You sure there isn't anything
I can do to help you?

[muttering] Huh?

No. [chuckles]
Thank you very much,
Father.

-1,100--
-Eh, it's probably
just as well.

I couldn't even
balance a check book.

I remember one time
I misplaced a decimal point.

It was supposed to be
$12.97,

but what I wrote was
$1,297.00. [chuckles]

Ah, goodness.
That was back in 1941,
I believe.

149-- Uh, now that you
mention it, Father,

there is something
you could do.

Would you mind
hopping into the kitchen and
making some more lemonade?

Oh, uh-huh.

My, you certainly
are thirsty tonight.

This will be
your fifth pitcher.
I'll be right back.

Fine.

Hey, Major Winchester.
What are you doin' up
so early?

I have a great deal of work
to do, Igor,

so if you don't mind--
Ah! How much time
before breakfast?

-You still got
an hour, Doc.
-Phew!

Boy, I tell ya,
I don't mind havin'
some company for a change.

You probably don't know it,
but every lousy day

I gotta get up before reveille
to get this joint ready.

Whew, I'll tell you,
this is about the hottest
I've ever seen it here.

Hey, you look like
you've been through
the wringer.

And you know somethin'?
You're making it extra tough
on yourself.

This here fan
ain't much help,

but, heck,
every little bit counts.

Fan? Fan!

No!

Sir, please try
to understand.

All you have to do
is tell I-Corps

to put some camphor menthol
shake lotion on the helicopter.

-Aha!
-Medicine? Who's sick?

MARGARET [on P.A.]:
Nobody's sick, sir.
I have a little rash.

POTTER [on P.A.]:
Well, I have
two grandchildren myself.

Sir, please try
to understand.

This is Margaret.

I have a bad case
of prickly heat.

A severe irritation
on my gluteus maximus.

Oh, I get it.

-A bad case of
keister itch.
-[sighs]

Well, you could
call it that, sir.

I sure got to sympathize
with you on that one.

POTTER:
Ain't nothin' more bothersome

than a case of
the old fanny fungus.

-MARGARET: [groans]
-POTTER: With all this heat,

that cute little
caboose of yours
must be red as a beet.

MARGARET: Oh, really, sir.
I'd rather not talk about it.

POTTER:
I don't know how bad off
your wazoo is,

but I'll bet
it don't come close to

the rump rots I had
back in the big war.

MARGARET:
Sir. Sir, the chopper?

POTTER:
We were pinned down
near Chantilly,

and I was stuck for
a whole damn night
in a wet foxhole.

I'll never forget it.

No matter how many times
you change your skivvies,

the fire
on the old back porch
just keeps burnin'.

-[laughter]
-MARGARET: Sir, please,
could you just call?

POTTER:
Must be hell for you
trying to set or sleep.

You sure got--

MARGARET:
Wait a minute!

Is this stupid P.A. on?
Klinger, you idiot!

KLINGER:
Major, wait. Oh, no.
Please don't!

-It took me three hours
to fix that!
-[crashing]

-[dog barking]
-[laughter]

KLINGER [on PA]:
Now hear this.
Now hear this.

I just want to see if
you can now hear this.

-Where's that dumb
helicopter you ordered?
-I wish I knew.

-He'll be okay if it
gets here within an hour.
-[groans]

-Relax, Margaret.
Have a seat.
-Oh, butt out.

I believe we could say
the same for you.

Happy A.M., all.
Nothing like a
good night's sleep.

At ease, Margaret.

♪♪

♪♪ [theme]