All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S09E09 - Taking the Fifth (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

[Hawkeye yawns]

HAWKEYE:
We've been here forever.

How many more have we got
dying to get in?

MULCAHY: We're almost
through. Only four left.

If time heals all wounds,
they should be okay by now.

If we get out of here
before we lose our looks,

we could meet
in the storage room

and take inventory
of each other.

Wear your rubber gloves.

I love watching you
take them off.

No, thanks, Hawkeye.

Hey, you can't blame a guy

for trying to get
into your gloves.

No gloves,
no storage room, no date.

I'm not gonna spend
another night to remember

with moldy crackers,
sloe gin, and fast talk.

CHARLES: Good heavens!
Six hours for eight patients.

Ever since the army forbade
our use of curare,

the pace around here
would put a snail to sleep.

We've gone from
forbade to worse.

I've noticed the work goes
a lot faster with curare.

Colonel, why is that?

Because anesthetics
like nitrous oxide
can go just so far.

They put the brain
to sleep,

but the muscles
are still awake.

It's much quicker
opening and closing
a patient

when his innards aren't
doing loop-de-loops
around your scalpel.

I see. Well, then, why did
the army forbid its use?

They decided that too many
people were dying

because curare wasn't
being used properly.

By that same logic,
they should outlaw cars.

What enrages me is that
in trained hands such as ours,

the drug poses no problem.

A few rotten apples have
put us over the barrel.

What starches my socks

is that only Uncle Sam's
got the spirit of '86.

All the other countries
think it's a wonder drug.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Hey, I have a totally original
idea. You'll love this.

-We'll go to the motor pool--
-Let me guess.

We'll make popcorn,
sit in a jeep,

and pretend
it's a drive-in movie.

[yawning]
Thanks, but no thanks.

You couldn't be
further from the truth.

For your information,
I was gonna bring pretzels.

Ah.

[horn honking]

Hold it down.
We can't hear the war.

Do I detect a Canadian
accent in that horn?

Right you are.

And I'll bet that you are
Corporal Max Klinger, eh?

With any luck,
soon to be promoted

to civilian Max Klinger.

How did you know?

The Montreal Royals

could whip
the Toledo Mud Hens

with their bats tied
behind their backs.

Wait a minute.
I know that voice.

You're the company clerk
at that Canadian unit.

Right. Colin Turnbull,

Second Princess Pat Battalion,
at your service.

What brings you here
to Chez Misery?

I was taking some supplies
back to my unit,

and I got detoured
by the enemy artillery,

so I decided to stop in,

meet you,
and maybe grab a bite.

You picked the best diner
on the detour.

All the truck drivers
throw up here.

So, uh,
this is the 4077, eh?

Yeah. Place is like
a blind date.

Sounds better on the phone
than it looks in person.

I could pick you up
around 8:00...

We could go to Rosie's bar
for a beer, you know--

Forget it, Hawkeye.

Don't you know
you should never

end a proposition
with a sentence?

Excuse my grammar.

Go ahead and finish,
then I'll turn you down.

No. Forget it.
I got a better idea.

We'll meet in the shower tent.
Two bodies, one bar of soap.

Better find somebody else
to sponge off of.

What happened?
Has my aftershave curdled?

I've been there before,
Hawkeye.

I mean, Gone With the Wind
is a great movie,

but after you've seen them
burn Atlanta 50 times,

it's not so hot anymore.

So much for that old flame.

Wow. Real powdered eggs, eh?

-And this porridge looks
first-rate.
-Head wound?

Canadian.

Wow, this stuff is really great.
You eat like this every day?

I wouldn't take so much.
Your eyes may be bigger
than our garbage can.

Are you kidding?
You should see what we have to
eat at the British Mess Tent.

[scoffs]
Couldn't be worse than this.

It's about the worst
I've ever eaten.

-You know why the English
have such stiff upper lips?
-Nah.

It's the only way
they can keep their lunch down.

Hold it.
Let's sit over there.

I owe that guy five bucks.

Imagine, a face like mine
and he won't take my check.

Mm. Lucky for me
I stopped by today, eh?

Me too. Leaves less
for the rest of us.

Mmm! This fruit cocktail's
the best I've ever eaten.

What's sauce for the goose
is slop for the gander.

Turnbull, hold it!

Don't tell me.
You didn't.

Yeah. Fruit cocktail,
packed in its own natural muck.

I had Igor shovel some of it
in a doggie barrel for you.

-Well, thanks, Max. Thanks.
-Thanks aren't necessary.

Just remember me
in your will.

And if you're smart,
you'll write it up
before you eat.

[chuckling] My friend,
I want you to have
this bottle of wine.

Hey, thanks! I think
I flunked this language
in high school.

-That's French.
-French?

Oh, this ought
to be great

if it's anything
like their toast.

I got it at our P.X.
About three dollars.

The British always keep
the best spirits in stock.

They think
if they keep us drunk,

we won't notice the food.

Colin,
I'm gonna treasure this

from now until I open it.

Let's keep in touch, eh?
Maybe we can be of service.

You bet.
You never can tell

when we're gonna need
a hockey puck.

Drive careful.

And if the enemy
gets too close,

throw the fruit cocktail
at them.

The hell with the
Geneva Convention.

I see you, Klinger.

No, you don't.
It's just a mirage.

Listen, you desert deadbeat,
I need my five bucks.

I'm busted.
I'd be bankrupt

except I can't
afford the lawyers.

The only thing I have
to my name right now

is this imported
Canadian wine.

All the upper-class Eskimos
drink it. Worth ten bucks.

That isn't Canadian wine.
It's French.

Okay, five bucks.

Probably the closest
I'll get to my five dollars.

Well, I gotta get
out of the cold now.

I've just been fleeced.

♪♪ [humming]

Oh, I'm available
if you need someone
to wine and dine.

And I won't press you
on the dining.

Finally, somebody throwing
themselves at my feet.

Pretty soon I'll be staggering
at them. Where'd you get it?

-Klinger.
-No doubt made from
the finest grape leaves.

With a great nose.

Why don't you open the bottle
and let it cough?

Ah, Charles, you're just
in time for the wine tasting.

No, thank you.

Perhaps later,
if I need something
to put on my salad.

Hello. What's this?
Hold that.

You have a '47 Margaux.

No, I have a '47 DeSoto.
I always buy American.

No, no, this,
you chimney sweep.

This is an individual
with a life all its own.

Little chilly.

Born of the loins

and suckled at the bosom
of the Haut Medoc.

Sounds like what went on in
the backseat of your DeSoto.

Oh, thank you.

Will you two stop prattling?

This is a rare nectar.

People would give
their lives for this.

I'll give you $20.

$20 for that stuff?

[laughs]
All right, 25.

Please. I wouldn't trade
this for love or money.

Well, definitely
not for money.

Then where, pray tell,
did you get this ambrosia?

From what cunning
connoisseur?

Klinger.

[stammers]
Max? Klinger?

Same man who eats peas
with a knife

and sucks in his spaghetti?

-That's right.
-The old spaghetti
sucker himself.

Oh, my. Yes.
I must find him.

Oh, Max?

Come on, Hawk.
No time to waste.

This stuff is already
four years old.

-Get yout hands off my wine.
-Hey, wait!

I don't have to give
any of this to you.

I sleep with you every night.

Come on, read it out loud.

I love the sound of
my own skulduggery.

"Savor a vintage evening
with Hawkeye Pierce.

-Trade your boredom
for some Bordeaux."
-Huh?

-"The epitome of
the vintner's art."
-Yeah.

"In 100 words or less,

tell why you should be
in a glass by yourself."

[laughing]
A glass by yourself.
I love that.

That's pretty good,
isn't it? Huh?

"Please sign a code name

"so that your anonymity
may be preserved.

-The decision of the judge
will be fine."
-Yeah.

What if there's a tie?

Duplicate Hawkeyes
will be awarded.

Hawk, I never thought

I'd use this word
in a negative manner,

but you're depraved.

Why not? I come from
the land of the free

and the home of depraved.

No self-respecting nurse

is gonna have anything
to do with that.

That's what I'm counting on.

You let him have it
for five dollars?

Pretty good deal, huh?

Klinger,
it is comforting to know

that I have not overestimated
your under-intelligence.

Thanks. I wasn't born
yesterday you know.

You weren't born,
you were hatched.

Come on, Major. I don't like
trouble when I'm naked.

In the States, a bottle like
that would fetch $20.

Did you say $20?

Yes. And in this hellhole,

I would have given you 30,
you lummox.

Rats! I'm so stupid
I outsmarted myself.

Yes, though God knows with what.
Well, that's all in the past.

The question of import is,
can you import some more?

Not on your life,
or in this case, mine.

The territory I'd have to
go through isn't secure.

I could get killed.

A small price to pay
for a '47 Margaux.

Thirty bucks doesn't buy
a stiff much these days.

Well, should you
have occasion

to venture
into the hostile territory,

you have a standing order
for all the bottles

on which you can lay
your hirsute hands.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

The Panmunjom peace talks

are proceeding
at a leisurely pace,

and we've got
incoming wounded.

Well, at least
I won't have to scrub.

That takes care of his liver.

I just hope I've saved
his bacon. Next!

-Retraction, Margaret.
-Huh.

I wish you'd retract
that disgusting solicitation

you have
on that bulletin board.

-Did you find it disgusting?
-Yes.

-And obscene?
-Yes!

Oh, good. I was afraid
it was too subtle.

You are a little boy with
the mind of a dirty old man.

Thank you. I assume you won't
be entering the contest?

You bet your sweet assumption
I won't.

Think it over, Margaret.
By the way, you're welcome
to tamper with the judge.

I'd sooner kiss a toad.

Well, there are plenty
of other fish in the sea.

Of course, for them
I should have white wine.

Hi. We're gonna put you
to sleep now.

When you wake up,
you'll be good as new,

assuming you were good
when you were new.

Hey, hey, easy. Kid, you're
gonna have to work with us.

Take it easy, will ya?

Corpsman,
get on your horse.

Damn, I wish we had curare
to relax these kids.

They don't usually act this way
till after they see the bill.

I can't get him any deeper
with just nitrous.

That does it.
If we had some curare,

these kids wouldn't be
bucking like broncos.

Other countries'
troops are using that
black magic medicine.

There's no reason
why we shouldn't.

What about the army
regulations, Colonel?

It's a stupid rule.

Stupid rules are meant
to be broken. Suction.

-[humming]
-All right, Klinger.

Hook me up
to that Canadian clan.

-Social call, sir?
-No, criminal.

I want to see if we can
work out a swap

with those Mountie medics
for some of their curare.

Ah, an interleague trade.
Wheeling and dealing
is in my blood, sir.

So then let's wheel
and deal some blood.
We got plenty of that.

Throw in some penicillin
and a bedpan to be named later.

Turnbull! Klinger here
at the 4077.

Congratulations
on getting back alive.

That road must have
really been rough.

Get the commanding Canuck
on the horn.

I'll go all the way to
Nelson Eddy if I have to.

Right. Colin? My C.O.
wants to talk to your C.O.

Thanks.
He's getting him, sir.

If we can work out
a horse trade,

I'll personally
go up and fetch it.

-Why you, sir?
-Well, it's me

who's taking the law
into his own hands,

so it ought to be me
who's taking the ride.

That's a trip fraught
with danger, sir.

That's why I want you
to ride shotgun with me.

Me? But, sir, can't they just
send it by registered tank?

Not a chance.

I want that serum
in my very own saddlebags,

and I want it pronto,

and if anybody
starts shooting,

I want your nose
to hide behind.

Sir, I'm too young to die.

I've never even
seen Cincinnati.

Hello? Oh, good.
I'll put him on.

It's Colonel LaFleur.

[whispering] LaFleur.

Hello, Colonel.
A jaunty "alloowetter" to ya.

I have a por favorto ask.

We need some curare up here,
and we need it tout de suite.

As much as you can spare.

And naturally,
we'll put some trinkets

on the trading block
in return.

Oxygen? We've got so much,
we're using it like air.

How much do you need?

Do we have oxygen?

I was just about
to get some for myself.

Right. Me and my garçon
will be up there

at the crack of dawn.
Well, I guess--

Don't hang up, sir.

I better talk to their
company clerk

and make sure
there are no hitches.

I'll put my clerk on
to your clerk

and let 'em do
whatever it is they do.

-Au revoir.
-Thank you, sir.

Colin, old buddy,

as long as I gotta
risk my neck anyway,

you got any more
of that snooty French vino?

Five bottles, huh?

What do you say
you and I talk turkey?

Okay, let's talk
fruit cocktail.

So, O Great Girthed One,

do you still want
that valuable wine?

Do I still have a palate?

I don't know.
I'm not about to peek.

I can get you five bottles.
It'll run you 40 per.

4--
My last offer was 30.

Consider it
a cost-of-dying increase.

I smell the distinct odor
of profiteering.

Try a little more soap.

But I also smell the delicate
bouquet of a '47 Bordeaux.

You're taking advantage
of me.

You know I'm an oenophile.

Hey, talk like that
in the shower makes me nervous.

Now, do you want it
or don't you?

Unfortunately, I am
at a disadvantaged position.

You have me drinking out
of the palm of your hand.

Well, Beej, what do you
think this is?

You've been drafted.

They're greetings,
all right,

from three nurses

with absolutely no trace
of self-respect,

one of whom is within
striking distance

of enjoying
a delicious Bordeaux.

And a tasteless Pierce.

Get your water ready.
This is liable to set
the tent on fire.

"Dear Hawkeye,

"I think your contest
is a wonderful idea.

"I really love good wine,

"and I think it would be fun
to share a few belts with you.

Signed, Chastity."

That one came
with its own cold water.

Send that
to the Dead Letter Office.

"Dear Hawkeye,

"Bordeaux is one
of my favorite wines,

"along with Manischewitz.

"During happier times,
my husband and I

"used to share many a bottle
back in the States.

"Drinking this with you

"would bring back
fond memories.

Signed, Very Married."

All you'd get there
is a swig and a missus.

What is this world coming to?
Everywhere I look, morality.

Read on, rebuffed.

My heart is not
in this anymore.

"Dear Hawkeye,

I find you an incredibly
exciting, vibrant man."

I just had a rush of blood
to my ego.

"Your fabulous wine
would be the perfect
appetizer

to a wonderfully intimate
main course."

[laughs]

"I must admit

wine does make me
a little crazy,

but I'm sure it's nothing
that you can't handle."

Oh, this is a sick woman.

"I hope you pick me,
Hawkeye.

"I've always thought
you were all man.

"Every time you look
in my eyes,

"I turn to jelly.

Signed, Sweet Preserves."

To think that that nurse is
responsible for human lives.

Home run.

I turn her to jelly.

What do you think
is the look that jars her?

Think it's my, uh,
my Rudolph Valentino?

[laughs]

Maybe it's
the boy next door.

Try that next door.

Sweet Preserves.
Who do you suppose
is Sweet Preserves?

What better place to find out
who turns to jelly

than the mess tent?

Sorry. Wrong number.

[laughing]

Uh-huh.

Klinger,
what the hell is this?

I thought your coquette
look was out.

I refuse to be buried
in my uniform, sir.

Besides, even the most
calloused enemy

would think twice before
firing on a man and his wife

on a country outing.

Why is it women never know
how to travel light?

Canned ham
and fruit cocktail?

In case we pass
a picnic table.

Or a trading post.

[clattering]

♪ Love for sale

♪ Appetizing young
love for sale ♪

♪ Love that's sweet
and still unspoiled ♪

♪ Love that

Hmm.

♪ Love for sale

♪ Appetizing love ♪

Unhand those socks,
you hooligan!

Oh, are these yours?
It's an honest mistake.

I have a pair
the exact same color.

-Pierce, you've washed.
-Yes.

My, my.
Where has the week gone?

[chuckles] I could make some
scathing replies, Charles,

but I'm saving my energy
for an evening
of lip-to-lip combat

with the mysterious
lady in green.

Soon I'll be having my toast
with Sweet Preserves.

Ah, another sordid soiree
in the storeroom.

I prefer to think of it
as the summer cottage.

You're disgusting.

Ah, jealousy rears
its shiny head. [chuckles]

I have a bottle of wine,

and you have a case
of sour grapes.

Pierce, for you to err
is inevitable.

For your information,

that fifth is but one-fifth
of my private reserve.

Even now as we speak,
my swarthy sommelier,

is en route here with five
bottles of that very vintage.

Five bottles?

Oh.

You could have your way
with the Dionne quintuplets.

Well, we did some plenty
good horse trading.

You got your grape juice,
and I got my dart dip.

Right. We both got
our paralyzers.

Now all we have to do
is get our fanny-dangos
home alive.

Thrash that throttle,
Maxine.

I'm doing the best
I can, sir.

It's not easy
to double-clutch
in high heels.

-[hissing]
-What's that hissing sound?

Oh, that must
be the wind whistling
through my crinolines.

Bushwa. The radiator's
on the fritz.

Why in tarnation didn't you
keep an eye on the gauge?

Didn't have a spare, sir.

I got one eye on the road,
and the other out for snipers.

Well, we better pull
in the reins and dismount.

Please, sir, this is
no place for a pit stop.

Now that I've got
something to live for,

I want to live for it.

It's either pull over
or boil over.

And don't forget,
I'm packing a six-gun.

Aha. We're in luck, sir.
A parking space.

Now get out
and hoist that hood.

Me? Aw, sir, this dress
is from Bonwit.

In an emergency,

it's women and children
first, so get out.

[explosion in distance]

Does this mean
the honeymoon is over?

Just look under the hood.
I'll look over the terrain.

[hissing]

Doesn't seem too bad, sir.

If we fill 'er up right away,
we should make it.

I sure hope so.

Boy, give me a horse any
time over one of these.

A stallion springs a leak,
all you gotta worry about

is a few moments'
embarrassment

on the parade ground.

We don't need a horse, sir.
We need a camel.

You mean you were so busy

with your trading
and trousseau,

you forgot to put H2O
in the canteen?

Sir, it's all water
under the bridge now.

Well, then we're just gonna
have to improvise, aren't we?

This wagon is going
off the wagon.

Sir, you can't be
suggesting the wine?

No. I'm ordering the wine.

Sir, we're not having
dinner for hours.

Five bottles now.
And I don't need
to smell the cork.

-I can't do it, sir.
I just can't.
-[explosion nearby]

Now, what's more important,
the vino or your life?

-[explosion]
-Klinger!

Don't worry, sir.
They're not close
enough to kill us.

But I am.

Uh, well,
I'd love to help, sir,

but shame of shames,
I forgot to pack a corkscrew.

Ha, ha! Leave it to the wise
colonel to remember one.

Let this mechanized mule
drink to our good health.

♪♪ ["Some Enchanted Evening"]

[humming]

[knocking]

Who goes there,
friend or lover?

WOMAN: I have an order
of Sweet Preserves
for Dr. Pierce.

[laughs]
The doctor will see you
immediately.

Lieutenant Palmer,
it's you?

That's wonderful.

My naughtiest dream's
come true.

Mine too.

I never thought
this moment would happen,

that I'd be lucky enough

to spend the evening
with Hawkeye Pierce.

I'm the lucky one.

Must be this rabbit's foot
I have.

That's why I wear
these corrective shoes.

-[laughs] You're
as funny as you are sexy.
-Aw.

-Hey.
-Yeah?

Could you give me
one of those special looks?

Well, only if you promise
to control yourself.

Oh. I don't know if I can.

Well, then we'll just
have to take our chances.

-[moans]
-Pure jelly, huh?

-Oh, Hawkeye?
-Yeah?

-When you look
at me like that--
-Mmm?

I feel just like
a giddy schoolgirl.

Giddiness? Oh, well, I have
the prescription for that.

Two glasses of wine
and nudge me in the morning.

-Uh, Hawkeye?
-Yeah?

-Before you pour the wine--
-Yeah?

There's something
that's bothered me.

Bothered? Wait'll we get
to bewitched and bewildered.

No, no, Hawkeye, really.

It's just that I don't know
if I'm woman enough for you.

-[laughing]
-[whistles]

-[chattering, laughing]
-Ladies.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What is this?

Suddenly our little party
is losing its intimacy.

This is such
a wonderful moment,

I just wanted to share it
with some of my friends.

Yeah, but two's company,
30 is a crowd.

Oh, there's no way

we would miss your
wine and sleaze party.

Palmer, you're terrific.

Thank you, Major,
and thank you, Hawkeye.

Believe me, it was nothing.

Come on, give me one of those
famous looks, Hawkeye.

Looks like the lovebird's
eating crow.

Did you really think
you could buy us with
your expensive wine?

Well, it looks like
the drinks are on me,

-not to mention the joke.
-[laughs]

Oh, not at all.
Your wildest fantasy
has just come true.

You've just been had
by the whole nursing staff.

Here's laughing at you.

Dry, very dry.

Sure is the cat's P.J.s
having our curare back.

The patients are more relaxed,
and so are we.

Tell you what, Major.
I can drain the wine
out of the radiator

and let you have
the whole batch for 15 bucks,

parts and labor included.

Thanks, but no thanks,
Klinger.

I am not an aficionado
of "Chateau le Jeep."

Come on, lover boy.

Were the preserves as sweet
as you thought they'd be?

Yes, why so quiet,
Doctor?

Was she possibly more woman
than one man could handle?

Are you kidding?
You see one nurse,
you've seen them all.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]