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♪♪ [theme]
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-Yablonski.
-Ho.
3
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Hutchinson. Hey, Hutch,
this is your lucky day.
4
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,234
They finally forwarded this
from your old unit.
5
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:01,583
I'd glad I got it
before I go home.
6
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:03,411
Horner.
7
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:05,543
Klinger, Maxie. Mulcahy.
8
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Maxie? Maxie. Maxie.
It's from Laverne.
9
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:10,766
Corporal, can I have
my letter, please?
10
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Huh? Oh. Oh, yeah.
11
00:01:12,594 --> 00:01:15,901
-Yeah. Here, Father.
-Oh.
12
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:17,251
Oh.
13
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Good morning, Klinger.
14
00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:22,908
Good morning, darling.
15
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:24,649
-Come again, snookums?
-Huh?
16
00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:27,913
Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
It's a letter from Laverne.
17
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:29,654
Laverne, the ex-missus
18
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who left you high and dry
for that butcher boy?
19
00:01:31,787 --> 00:01:33,484
Morty's a sausage maker.
20
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:35,878
That's below butcher in
the Toledo social register.
21
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:37,358
But everything's
changed now, sir.
22
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:39,055
Listen to what I read so far.
23
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:43,364
"Dear Maxie, You are much
in my mind these days.
24
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:46,367
"Taking up with Morty
was a terrible mistake.
25
00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:48,891
The man's soul is made
of animal by-products."
26
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,893
Guess that makes you feel
pretty happy, huh?
27
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:53,461
Seeing the sausage king
put through the old grinder.
28
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It's more than that, sir.
29
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Can't you read between the
lines? She wants me back.
30
00:01:57,943 --> 00:02:00,816
Oh, that's music to my eyes!
31
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,905
Hold on, Mr. About-face.
32
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,515
Is this the same woman
33
00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:07,388
you described as a chippy,
a leech, and a vampire?
34
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:11,392
All lies to save face, sir.
You don't get over a goddess.
35
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:14,221
Well, what else does the little
Aphrodite have to say?
36
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Let me see.
"Thank goodness for Gus.
37
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,922
He helped me realize
the error of my ways."
38
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:22,577
Oh! Good old Gus. I knew
I could count on him.
39
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:23,882
Who is this Gus cuss?
40
00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,667
Gus Nagy, my best friend.
41
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:26,885
See, a while back,
he wrote me
42
00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:28,713
Laverne and Morty
were having fights.
43
00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,151
So I told him to do his best
to keep the fur flyin'.
44
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-Ah.
-[Laughing]
45
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,676
"And so, dear Max,
46
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:36,068
"I wanted to let you know
47
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:38,549
"before you hear it
from anybody else.
48
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:40,595
I am marrying Gus Nagy."
49
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:45,904
I can't believe it.
50
00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:50,431
I just lost my best girl
and my best friend
51
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,084
in one lousy sentence.
52
00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:57,220
Now, pull yourself together,
son. You'll bounce back.
53
00:02:57,264 --> 00:02:59,222
When you get home
to Toledo,
54
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,529
you'll find a new girl
and a new friend.
55
00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:05,315
Toledo. I'll be
the laughingstock there.
56
00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:09,667
It's like Nero Wolfe said,
you can't go home again.
57
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:10,755
[Helicopter Approaching]
58
00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:12,366
I had one shot at true
happiness,
59
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and now it's killed me.
60
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,457
I tell you what, Max.
61
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:19,982
After you're done in O.R.,
take the next 24 hours off.
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00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:23,725
That's Doc Potter's RX
for a broken heart: time.
63
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:28,904
-CHARLES: Damn it.
Hold that book steady.
-Sorry, Doctor.
64
00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:30,253
B.J.: Charles,
just turn to the last page
65
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:32,037
and find out how
the operation comes out.
66
00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:33,517
POTTER: Leave him alone,
Hunnicutt.
67
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:36,303
If he's reconstructing
nerves via library book,
68
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:39,088
the least you can do
is shh!
69
00:03:39,131 --> 00:03:40,698
There must be an ellipsis.
70
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:42,483
It doesn't say how
to prevent scar tissue.
71
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:43,875
Doctor, you might try
72
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,877
wrapping the nerve endings
with tantalum foil.
73
00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:48,010
-That'll protect them.
-I beg your pardon?
74
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,229
[clears throat]
I said you might try--
75
00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:51,709
I heard what you said.
76
00:03:51,753 --> 00:03:53,755
Since when does
a noncommissioned amateur
77
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,800
presume to instruct
an officer and a physician
78
00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:57,759
on proper surgical
technique? Clamp.
79
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:00,936
I know the procedure, sir.
Back in the States,
80
00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:03,112
I observed Dr. Worsely
performing it.
81
00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:05,593
-Dr. David Worsely?
-Yes.
82
00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:08,552
Ho ho ho. He was a pioneer
in peripheral nerve surgery.
83
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:12,034
Hunnicutt, the fact that
they granted this neophyte
sightseeing privileges
84
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:14,297
does not qualify him
as a consultant.
85
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:15,951
I wasn't a sightseer.
86
00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:18,301
I was a technician
on his surgical team
for over a year.
87
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,521
Why don't you listen
to Hutchinson, Charles?
88
00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:22,784
What you're reading is history.
He was there when it was made.
89
00:04:22,827 --> 00:04:25,700
POTTER: Winchester,
close the mouth
and open the mind.
90
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:29,704
Aha. A thought strikes me.
91
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:33,185
Hutchinson, what would you
say to tantalum foil here?
92
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:35,797
-Good idea, sir.
-Oh.
93
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,625
After all,
you're the doctor.
94
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,282
Hey, old-timer, I'm lookin'
for Colonel Potter.
95
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:45,546
Could you speak up, sonny?
96
00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:47,722
My bird and I are
a little hard of hearin'.
97
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,985
Sorry, sir.
Uh, I thought, uh,
98
00:04:50,028 --> 00:04:51,421
Eh, that's okay, Sarge.
99
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,988
I'm subbin'
for my company clerk.
100
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,598
Now what can I do you for?
101
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:57,775
Sergeant Joe Vickers, sir.
Area retention officer.
102
00:04:57,819 --> 00:04:59,864
I've got the names
of your enlistees
103
00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:01,126
who are due for discharge.
104
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,998
I wanted to talk to them
about re-upping.
105
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,696
I trust you brought
your portable torture kit.
106
00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:09,483
[laughs]
No high pressure from me, sir.
107
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,833
I just wanna point out
the big picture.
108
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,269
You know, you remind me of
a feller
109
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,010
who once tried
to sell me a dead mule.
110
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:17,795
Said it'd be no problem
to feed and it didn't kick.
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00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,320
[laughing]
That's a good one, sir.
112
00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:24,280
Uh, Oh, I have this, uh,
memo for you too, sir.
113
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:28,893
As, uh, C.O., you're obliged
to try to get your officers
to, uh, extend their tours.
114
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:31,461
You'd better talk
to the commander about that.
115
00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:33,463
I'm just the company clerk.
116
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:34,986
[humming]
117
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,728
Oh, Charles.
Read any good books lately?
118
00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:39,600
Yeah, Charles.
Professor Hutchinson
just came in.
119
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:40,818
Why don't you go over
and thank him
120
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,037
for that lesson
he taught you today?
121
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,691
Bandy your japes, apes.
122
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,867
But the reason I was chosen
to do that operation
123
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,477
is that I can read.
124
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:50,132
One might even say that I'm
the pick of the literate.
125
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:53,527
Evening, laddies.
Say howdy to Sergeant Vickers.
126
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:56,704
He's our friendly neighborhood
retention officer.
127
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:58,706
Too bad he didn't come
to a friendly neighborhood.
128
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,751
No offense. We just don't
like war-to-war salesmen.
129
00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:02,666
Hey! You're a great
bunch of kidders.
130
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,407
Well, I like
a good joke myself.
131
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,714
In that case, may I
present Major Winchester?
132
00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:10,065
Major Winchester.
You must be a career man.
133
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:13,416
I-- [chortles]
134
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,418
[chortling continues]
135
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,116
Let me ask you
something, Sarge.
136
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,944
Doesn't it bother you
to sweet-talk young kids
137
00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:22,077
into risking their lives
all over again?
138
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,775
Hey, I'm just offering
a little free advice.
139
00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:25,994
Like how to avoid old age.
140
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:27,517
Ah.
Nothing I like better
141
00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:29,650
than the free exchange
of ideas.
142
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:32,043
That's Sergeant Hutchinson
over there.
143
00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:34,045
He's on that short-timers
list of yours.
144
00:06:34,089 --> 00:06:37,484
Oh, yes. Excuse me.
Enjoyed shootin' the breeze.
145
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,703
-Uh, but--
-Let the man be, Pierce.
146
00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:42,532
We all got our little
tasks in life.
147
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,795
Incidentally, there's
a meeting in my office
148
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:46,971
-tomorrow at 0900.
-What about, Colonel?
149
00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:49,104
I don't wanna let the kitty
out of the burlap.
150
00:06:49,147 --> 00:06:50,540
VICKERS:
What's with you, buddy?
151
00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:51,628
-But rest assured--
-HUTCHINSON: Shut up!
152
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:53,021
...it'll be short and sour.
153
00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:54,805
-[chairs bumping]
-[objects crashing]
154
00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:56,677
-Cut it out.
-What are you talking about?
155
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,548
-What did I say?
-What's all the hugga-mugga?
156
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,158
Don't ask me.
157
00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:01,159
I was tellin' him about
army opportunities,
158
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,639
and he jumps me.
159
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,032
Don't give me
that "opportunities" bull.
160
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,816
I'm a registered nurse,
161
00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,775
just like all
these women here.
162
00:07:07,818 --> 00:07:08,993
But when they came
into the army,
163
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:10,821
they were made officers
automatically.
164
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:11,996
I should've been, too,
165
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,433
but they made me
a lousy private.
166
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,304
The army won't
recognize me as a nurse
167
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:16,697
because I'm a man,
168
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,655
so I spend half my time
pushing a stupid broom.
169
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,918
-He's right, you know.
-This man's army
is very discriminating.
170
00:07:20,962 --> 00:07:23,704
You bet it is. You got
a lot of nerve, buddy.
171
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:26,097
Look, pal, I don't make
the rules around here.
172
00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:28,186
If the service isn't
your cup of joe, fine.
173
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:30,014
I'm not here
to shanghai anybody.
174
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,016
Why bother? There are plenty
of other fish in the barrel.
175
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,931
Look, Captain, there's
a lot of get-ahead guys
176
00:07:33,975 --> 00:07:36,456
that think the army would
make a darn swell career.
177
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:39,023
Not for me, buddy. Forget it.
178
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,461
Hey, give me a chance.
179
00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,201
You got character.
180
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,203
I don't make this offer
to just anybody.
181
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:48,729
Sarge, I got a great-lookin'
gal to go home to,
182
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:50,252
not to mention my wife,
183
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:52,210
so it just ain't
in the cards.
184
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,735
Igor.
185
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:56,954
Another glass of cheer.
186
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,000
You think you got it rough?
Look at that guy.
187
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:01,742
-♪♪ ["Harbor Lights"]
-[sighs]
188
00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:04,788
Boy, he looks terrible.
What's his story?
189
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:07,487
He got a "Dear Maxie"
letter.
190
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:09,793
Says he's got
nothin' to go home to.
191
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,099
Oh, yeah?
192
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:14,232
Well, that's a shame.
193
00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:17,235
Please. Allow me.
194
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:27,158
Some tune, huh?
195
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,160
The greatest.
196
00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:32,163
For a certain little lady
and me, that was our song.
197
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,602
This drink's on me,
Maxie.
198
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:38,692
Please.
199
00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:40,520
Don't call me Maxie.
200
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,610
Only Laverne called me that.
201
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,178
And--
202
00:08:47,222 --> 00:08:49,659
-And--
-That's it, pal.
203
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,531
Get it off your chest.
204
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:56,666
Tell Joey all about it.
205
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:59,495
Yeah. You're right, Joey.
206
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,759
Who are you?
207
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:05,762
A buddy,
someone who cares.
208
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:08,591
Joey?
209
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:11,028
You ever have...
210
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:14,989
your best friend
stab you in the back?
211
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:17,034
Not since the army
became my best friend.
212
00:09:17,078 --> 00:09:18,383
You ever...
213
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:23,388
suddenly feel
that you're lost,
214
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:26,217
that there's no place
left for you to go?
215
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:28,176
I used to.
216
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:31,179
That was before
the army became my home.
217
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:34,095
-Oh. Really?
-Sure.
218
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:35,444
Think about it.
219
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:38,665
The army feeds you,
clothes you,
220
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:41,058
gives you a place to sleep.
221
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:44,322
Every guy in khaki is family.
222
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:46,629
Oh, that's beautiful, Joey.
223
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:49,197
-The army is beautiful.
-To the army.
224
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:53,462
Max,
225
00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:55,986
you've got character.
226
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:58,162
I wouldn't make this offer
to just anybody.
227
00:09:58,206 --> 00:09:59,468
What kind of an offer?
228
00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:02,384
What you need is an anchor,
229
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:04,342
something that won't
run out on you.
230
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:07,215
You know
what I'm talking about?
231
00:10:09,347 --> 00:10:10,784
The army.
232
00:10:10,827 --> 00:10:15,397
[chuckling] Hey.
You're way ahead of me, Max.
233
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,181
Did you ever think
about re-enlisting?
234
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:21,882
Where do I sign?
235
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:28,497
Okay, I got
somethin' to tell ya,
236
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:31,369
and I don't wanna hear so much
as a titter, a snicker,
237
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,023
or a guffaw from anyone.
238
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,285
You hear that, Charles?
239
00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:37,201
The subject of this meeting
is the army.
240
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:42,467
So far, so good.
241
00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,861
I have been directed
to address you
242
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:49,344
on the possibility of making
the army your career.
243
00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:50,345
[muffled whimper]
244
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:55,437
[laughing continues]
245
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,138
[Charles, laughing]
Army, career.
246
00:11:01,182 --> 00:11:02,966
I'm sorry.
247
00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,838
If I held that in,
my teeth would've exploded.
248
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,840
Come on.
You gotta be kidding.
249
00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:09,190
Gentlemen, please,
it's impolite to laugh
at the senile.
250
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:10,800
What'd he say?
251
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,497
Loss of hearing
is the first sign.
252
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,804
Will you clowns keep quiet!
253
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,284
Some of us are interested
254
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:18,765
in what Colonel Potter
has to say. Go on, Colonel.
255
00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:21,985
-Why, thank you, Major.
-[kissing noise]
256
00:11:22,029 --> 00:11:23,813
You blow one more kiss,
Pierce,
257
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,815
and those lips
will never walk again.
258
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,861
Please. I'd like
to hear this, too.
259
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,732
[making kissing noises]
260
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:32,474
Oh, blow it
out your bugle!
261
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,041
Colonel,
please continue.
262
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,172
Gracias, Padre.
263
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,175
Now, I think you'll admit
264
00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:41,265
the army presents
unique opportunities
265
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,354
that can't be had
anywhere else.
266
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:44,616
That's very true.
267
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:46,227
What other job
lets you die for a living?
268
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,185
Certainly a
once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
269
00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:51,406
The army provides
a chance to see the world.
270
00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:53,887
Scenic tours of all
the great battlefields.
271
00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:56,237
It provides a home.
272
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,934
Where even the buffalo
wouldn't roam.
273
00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:00,894
Okay. That's it.
Lecture's over!
Class dismissed!
274
00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:02,460
Except you, Pierce.
275
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,462
Since you insist
on behaving like a dunce,
276
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:07,117
you can cap it off
by staying after school.
277
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,076
Why me? They were bad too.
278
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,555
Yeah, but you're
the top Katzenjammer.
279
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,253
Since I gave Klinger
the day off,
280
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,429
you can fill in for him.
Here. File these.
281
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:18,215
Ah, the X-rays.
I should've known
he'd file them under "E."
282
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,481
Good morning, Captain.
283
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:25,919
You people certainly
divide up the diddly work
democratically.
284
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:27,659
Well, that's
why we're over here,
285
00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,139
to make the world
safe for diddly.
286
00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:32,142
[chuckling] I'd like
to leave these for your C.O.
287
00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:34,057
It's the names of all
the re-enlistees.
288
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,406
How many pigeons
did you bag?
289
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,234
I signed up
two fine young men
290
00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,889
who realize they have
a solid future
with Uncle Sam.
291
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:42,457
Let me see them.
I want to know who to untie.
292
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:45,068
"Rizzo, L." Mm.
293
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:47,723
"Klinger, M." Klinger?
294
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,813
That one was pure gravy.
Six years.
295
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,815
He wasn't even on the list.
296
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:54,904
I'm afraid the gravy's
on you, Vickers.
297
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:58,125
-Klinger is strictly
a homing pigeon.
-Huh?
298
00:12:58,168 --> 00:12:59,561
You must have gotten
somebody else.
299
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:00,823
Nobody hates the army
more than Klinger.
300
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,433
He's spent his entire career
301
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:04,653
trying to get season tickets
to Section Eight.
302
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:06,350
Gee, I don't know.
This Klinger...
303
00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:08,918
dark, hairy guy, big beak.
304
00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:10,702
Let me see that.
305
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,444
[chuckles]
When I saw him
in the O Club,
306
00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:15,969
crying in his beer over
some skirt named Laverne--
307
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:18,014
[snap]
...it was all over
but the signing.
308
00:13:18,058 --> 00:13:19,276
Vickers, you're a vulture.
309
00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:26,066
Doctor, you operate your way.
I'll operate mine.
310
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:28,895
[clicks heels]
311
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,984
See ya.
312
00:13:31,027 --> 00:13:32,986
-♪♪ ["Harbor Lights" on jukebox]
-Klinger, come on. Get up.
313
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:35,162
-Huh?
-Get up. The maid wants to put
fresh linen on the bar.
314
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:39,819
Oh, please. Didn't you read
the "Do Not Disturb The Dead"
sign?
315
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,734
-This is no time to let
a sleeping drunk lie.
-♪♪ [stops]
316
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:46,913
Oh! Don't! All I have left
of Laverne is that song.
317
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:51,134
Klinger, do you have any idea
what you did last night?
318
00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:53,049
-Last night?
-Last night, yeah.
319
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,051
-Last night.
-Last night.
320
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,967
No. It's all one fuzzy blur.
321
00:13:58,011 --> 00:14:00,578
That's great.
That's perfect. Okay.
322
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:03,364
I must have passed out
after I reenlisted.
323
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:06,193
-What?
-I said I passed out.
324
00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:07,890
Why do you think
I was lying here?
325
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,631
You don't remember
what you did.
326
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:11,633
You didn't have any idea
what you were doing last night.
327
00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:13,722
-How could you?
-But I did.
328
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,680
Give me a little credit,
Captain.
329
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,814
I may be a rummy,
but I'm no dummy.
330
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:23,819
The army provides you
with a home and a career.
331
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,604
This from the man
who built himself wings
332
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:29,259
and tried to flap his way
back to the States?
333
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:31,871
Now the army's my best friend.
334
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,176
I may get shot in the stomach,
335
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,830
but I won't get stabbed
in the back,
336
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,659
not the way I did
by that wife-stealer Gus Nagy.
337
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:40,705
Oh. So, you mean--
You mean Laverne and Gus--
338
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:42,620
[bawling]
Oh, Laverne!
339
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,622
Klinger. Klinger.
Klinger, come here.
340
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,668
Get up. Look. Look.
341
00:14:46,711 --> 00:14:48,844
You're gonna get over Laverne
in a little while,
342
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,630
but that's no reason
to throw away the best years
of your life.
343
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:55,068
-I haven't.
-What do you mean?
344
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,853
Well, it's not official
until I raise my right hand
345
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,724
and Col. Potter swears me in.
346
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:03,467
Ah! Yes, Virginia!
There is an escape clause.
347
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:05,817
Come here. Come on, come on.
You really had me going
there for a while,
348
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,645
you little devil, you.
349
00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:09,821
Come on back.
You'll get changed.
You'll get all cleaned up.
350
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:11,998
Oh, good idea.
I'll do that.
351
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:15,305
Right after I see Col. Potter
and take the oath.
352
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:17,438
He was drunk.
He didn't know
what he was doing.
353
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,309
Sure, I did.
I was drinking.
354
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:22,225
Look, Vickers caught Klinger
with his heart down.
355
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,966
It'd be criminal of you
to swear him in now.
356
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,012
-You just can't do it.
-Slow down, Pierce.
357
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:29,406
The boy's not drunk now.
Let him have his say.
358
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:33,889
Face it. I'm a poor kid
off the streets.
359
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,370
The only real experience
I have is hustling pool.
360
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:37,762
But now I have a chance to
rise through the army's ranks
361
00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:39,373
and make something of myself.
362
00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:42,376
-Pretty sober thoughts, Pierce.
-Come on. He's crazy.
363
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:44,987
Nobody but an idiot
would ever reenlist.
364
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:48,164
I wonder if you can think
of any exceptions to that rule.
365
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:50,384
Take your time.
I can wait.
366
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:52,864
I'm going to be here
a while yet.
367
00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:55,606
-That's a hint, by the way.
-Colonel, I didn't mean--
368
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:56,999
Pierce! I've had it up to here
369
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,349
with your forever putting
the knock on the army!
370
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:02,004
The military has produced
some great men:
371
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,571
George Washington,
372
00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,703
Andy Jackson,
Teddy Roosevelt.
373
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:08,010
And if Klinger
wants to re-up,
374
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,620
I'll be proud
to swear him in.
375
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,274
-Thank you, sir.
-Oh, no.
376
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:12,754
After he's had
some time to cool off.
377
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:14,364
-Thank you.
-Oh, no.
378
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:17,585
Son, this is too big
to rush into.
379
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,587
Take some time. Think it
through and through.
380
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:20,936
You understand?
381
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,503
Yes, sir. The colonel
is very wise.
382
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,026
This is a major step,
383
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,723
and I shouldn't take it
in the heat of passion.
384
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:28,465
Smart lad. I'll be in here
when and if you're ready.
385
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,337
Now get going
and start thinking.
386
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:32,469
-Colonel,
-Pierce, you just get going.
387
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:35,907
Now, look, I want you
to go sort this out.
388
00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:37,170
I'll keep doing your work
389
00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:39,259
so you can give it
your full concentration.
390
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,913
Thank you, sir.
I'm gonna sort real hard.
391
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:47,745
-POTTER: Come in.
-Sir, I thought it out.
392
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:50,835
Well, I must say
you have a very nice
leg up on your recovery.
393
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,881
Gee, Doc, I don't know
how to thank you.
394
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:54,665
Actually, I wasn't alone.
395
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:58,234
Sergeant Hutchinson
here served as my foil.
396
00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:00,889
-Well, thank you, Doc.
-Don't mention it.
397
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:02,369
One day, you'll be
proud to announce
398
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,761
that you had the honor
399
00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:05,633
of observing the great
Dr. Winchester.
400
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:07,765
Anything I should know
from here on out?
401
00:17:07,809 --> 00:17:09,811
-Ask the expert.
-Just keep a close watch.
402
00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:12,553
If there's infection,
the tantalum acts
as a foreign body,
403
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:14,120
and you have to remove it.
404
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,687
If you'll excuse me,
I have to sweep out the lab.
405
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:20,952
It just doesn't seem fair.
406
00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:23,042
He's as good a nurse
as any of us here.
407
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,522
♪♪ [Harbor Lights]
408
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,144
-♪♪ [stops]
-That's enough
from the hurt parade.
409
00:17:38,187 --> 00:17:39,623
As long as the
"Harbor Lights" are on,
410
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,451
you're never gonna
see things clearly.
411
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:44,933
Oh, I see things very clearly.
That's why I'm writing Gus.
412
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:46,935
"Dear Scum."
413
00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:48,023
I figured I'd start slow
414
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,459
and then really
let him have it.
415
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:50,808
Gus knew
I still loved Laverne.
416
00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:52,071
I told him that
when I wrote him.
417
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,507
I don't understand
something.
418
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:54,986
If all this happened
419
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:56,510
because you wrote Gus
in the first place,
420
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:57,946
how were you gonna
make things better
421
00:17:57,989 --> 00:17:59,295
by writing Gus
in the second place?
422
00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:00,644
What do you want from me?
423
00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:03,299
I can't just sit
and wallow in self-pity.
424
00:18:03,343 --> 00:18:05,649
Oh, Laverne! Laverne!
425
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:07,912
Klinger, listen to me.
426
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:11,307
You're yelling at him,
but you're crying for her.
427
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:12,743
If you wanna communicate
with Laverne,
428
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,919
why don't you
write Laverne?
429
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:17,835
Hey. Maybe you got
a point there.
430
00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:20,664
You bet I do. Look,
I'll make it easy for you.
431
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,971
I'll be your personal
secretary.
432
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:24,929
You just talk.
Tell me what you want to say.
433
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,064
Ahem.
434
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:32,850
My dearest
precious flower.
435
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:35,853
Ah.
436
00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:39,988
Thank you for your note
of October 16.
437
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:41,685
It's always good
to hear from you.
438
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,687
And how are things
in Toledo?
439
00:18:43,731 --> 00:18:45,733
No, no, no, no, no.
440
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:48,344
This is not an application
for a car loan.
441
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:51,608
It's a love letter.
Let your heart do the talking.
442
00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:53,044
Laverne...
443
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,919
this is gonna knock you
off your pins,
444
00:18:57,962 --> 00:18:59,486
but I still love you.
445
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:02,010
Ah. All right. Okay.
446
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:05,709
When I give my heart away,
it's for good.
447
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,670
Good.
448
00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:12,412
I even loved you when
you were married to me
449
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:14,849
and you cheated on me
with Morty.
450
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:19,114
After all,
you're only human.
451
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,377
I was thousands
of miles away,
452
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:22,987
and there was Morty
453
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:24,032
with his thriving
sausage business
454
00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:25,294
to bring home the bacon.
455
00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:26,730
Boy, that must have hurt.
456
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:29,907
You bet your life it did.
457
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,648
I have feelings, you know.
458
00:19:31,692 --> 00:19:33,607
Don't tell me.
Tell Laverne.
459
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:36,436
Laverne, I have
feelings, you know.
460
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:37,872
I don't need you and Gus
461
00:19:37,915 --> 00:19:39,656
to use my heartstrings
for a taffy pull.
462
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,658
-Attaboy.
-When we got married,
463
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,965
it was supposed to be
for better or worse.
464
00:19:44,008 --> 00:19:45,967
Only I gave the better,
and you gave the worse.
465
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,969
What are you
gonna do about it?
466
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:49,971
I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do about it.
467
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,974
Laverne,
I'm washing my hands
of both of you!
468
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:56,238
You're rotten to the core!
You deserve each other!
469
00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:59,328
Sign it John Hancock.
It's my Declaration of
Independence.
470
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:02,636
Okay! That's wonderful.
At last you're a free man.
471
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:03,941
You got your whole
life ahead of you.
472
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:05,943
-I'm a free man!
-Right.
473
00:20:05,987 --> 00:20:07,380
I'm also an idiot.
474
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:09,077
What do you mean?
475
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:12,211
There's just one hitch,
and it lasts six years.
476
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:13,995
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
477
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:17,390
I went to the colonel
and had him swear me in.
478
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:20,219
You mean, after all he said,
479
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,351
Colonel Potter
swore you in anyway?
480
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,353
Yeah, yeah. He even
welcomed me aboard.
481
00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:27,008
Oh, I'm so stupid!
What have I done?
482
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,445
All right, all right.
Don't worry about it.
You're gonna be all right.
483
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:32,535
You just relax
and let hotter heads prevail.
484
00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:35,495
I don't believe this.
You took advantage
of an emotional cripple.
485
00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:36,844
That's no better
than Vickers.
486
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,280
Look, I had no choice.
487
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:40,326
Klinger came in here
all het up.
488
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:41,892
Said if I didn't swear him in,
489
00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:44,417
he'd drive to I-Corps
and find somebody who would.
490
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:45,679
What's the difference?
491
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:47,724
All you did was
save him a trip.
492
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,944
The difference is
that I had a chance
493
00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:52,120
to hear those immortal words
494
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:55,123
"I, Maxwell Klinger,
do solemnly promise
495
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:58,953
"that I will faithfully
execute the office of Soldier
496
00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:01,216
and will to the best
of my ability preserve"--
497
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,044
Wait, wait.
"Office of Soldier"?
498
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:05,264
That doesn't sound
like the oath I took.
499
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:08,963
That's because you've
never been elected
President of the U.S. of A.
500
00:21:09,006 --> 00:21:09,964
Huh?
501
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:11,095
Klinger didn't say
502
00:21:11,139 --> 00:21:13,010
exactly what oath he wanted.
503
00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:14,925
I figured he wouldn't
know the difference,
504
00:21:14,969 --> 00:21:16,536
and it bought us
a little time.
505
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:17,798
I guess I've overstepped
506
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:19,278
the bounds
of common stupidity.
507
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:20,409
I owe you an apology.
508
00:21:20,453 --> 00:21:22,324
Well, maybe now you'll realize
509
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:26,415
that olive drab and gray matter
don't necessarily clash.
510
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:27,982
Touché, Colonel.
511
00:21:30,506 --> 00:21:32,856
Klinger's gonna be as relieved
to hear this as I am.
512
00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:35,032
You mean he's done
an about-face again?
513
00:21:35,076 --> 00:21:36,817
He sure has. He's sitting
in his office now
514
00:21:36,860 --> 00:21:38,079
thinking he's
a prisoner of war.
515
00:21:38,122 --> 00:21:39,820
And you left him alone?
516
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,306
I knew it. That cuckoo's
flown the coop.
517
00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:48,829
And I'm the one who
opened the cage for him.
518
00:21:48,872 --> 00:21:51,397
I never should have made
him chief executive.
519
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,008
I'll get on the horn and
notify the constabulary.
520
00:21:54,051 --> 00:21:55,401
Tell them to be gentle, Colonel.
521
00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:56,750
They may not
respect the man,
522
00:21:56,793 --> 00:21:58,404
but they must respect
the office.
523
00:21:58,447 --> 00:22:01,058
All right. Listen up, folks.
524
00:22:01,102 --> 00:22:02,538
Last couple of weeks,
525
00:22:02,582 --> 00:22:04,932
we've all benefited
from the stateside savvy
526
00:22:04,975 --> 00:22:08,675
of a crackerjack corpsman
Sergeant Barney Hutchinson.
527
00:22:08,718 --> 00:22:11,155
However, due to matters
beyond our control,
528
00:22:11,199 --> 00:22:14,071
the man is not getting
the recognition he deserves.
529
00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:18,467
So our very own Major Houlihan
has come up with a brainstorm
530
00:22:18,511 --> 00:22:20,469
that just might
even the score.
531
00:22:20,513 --> 00:22:22,515
-Major.
-Oh.
532
00:22:22,558 --> 00:22:24,952
Sergeant Hutchinson,
front and center.
533
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,739
Any news on Klinger?
534
00:22:29,783 --> 00:22:31,741
No, but I've got a call in
to the White House.
535
00:22:31,785 --> 00:22:33,787
These are my old
lieutenant's bars.
536
00:22:33,830 --> 00:22:35,789
For your remaining
three weeks,
537
00:22:35,832 --> 00:22:38,052
you shall have
the unofficial rank
538
00:22:38,095 --> 00:22:40,315
of honorary first lieutenant.
539
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,103
-Congratulations.
-[Hawkeye laughing]
540
00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:47,801
HUTCHINSON: What the--
541
00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:50,151
MAN: Hey!
It's Corporal Godiva.
542
00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:53,415
Good grief. What is this
disgusting spectacle?
543
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:56,592
Oh, it's Klinger on Sophie,
and they're both naked.
544
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,814
What in the name
of George Armstrong Custer
545
00:23:00,857 --> 00:23:02,293
do you think you're doing?
546
00:23:02,337 --> 00:23:04,818
This demonstration
is intended to dramatize
547
00:23:04,861 --> 00:23:07,124
that I am unfit
to wear any uniform.
548
00:23:07,168 --> 00:23:09,300
I am incompetent.
I'm insubordinate.
549
00:23:09,344 --> 00:23:10,606
And indecent.
550
00:23:10,650 --> 00:23:11,781
This is a protest.
551
00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:13,348
I was drafted behind my back.
552
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:14,871
So can I be discharged?
553
00:23:14,915 --> 00:23:16,090
Discharged?
554
00:23:16,133 --> 00:23:18,179
You're gonna be impeached.
555
00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:29,016
Tell me,
Lieutenant Hutchinson,
how does it feel
556
00:23:29,059 --> 00:23:30,800
to be a member
of the ruling class?
557
00:23:30,844 --> 00:23:32,367
It feels terrific.
558
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:34,282
That's speaking
unofficially, of course.
559
00:23:34,325 --> 00:23:36,197
If anyone says you're
not a real lieutenant,
560
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:37,241
they'll have to answer
to me.
561
00:23:37,285 --> 00:23:38,765
[all chattering]
562
00:23:38,808 --> 00:23:40,810
Just think.
Even if I didn't know it,
563
00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:42,464
for a couple of hours there,
564
00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:45,032
I was the leader
of the entire free world.
565
00:23:45,075 --> 00:23:47,513
It just goes to prove
the American Dream
is not dead.
566
00:23:47,556 --> 00:23:49,645
Any boy can grow up
to be First Lady.
567
00:23:49,689 --> 00:23:52,561
♪♪ ["Harbor Lights"]
568
00:23:52,605 --> 00:23:55,172
Will you excuse me
for a moment please?
569
00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:01,527
-[scratch]
-♪♪ [stops]
570
00:24:04,617 --> 00:24:06,836
Any requests?
It's my nickel.
571
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,447
♪♪
572
00:24:20,067 --> 00:24:23,505
♪♪ [theme]
43094
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