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♪♪ [theme]
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KLINGER [on P.A.]:
Attention, Major Houlihan.
3
00:01:11,332 --> 00:01:13,290
Last call for Major Houlihan.
4
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,857
You have a phone call.
5
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:17,077
Oh, by the way,
it's your father.
6
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:24,780
Sorry, sir, I can't
seem to locate her.
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Perhaps if you call back--
8
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No! You hang up that phone,
and I'll kill you!
9
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:30,829
Uh, here's your little
angel now, sir.
10
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Daddy? [screams]
I can't believe it!
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Do you realize there
are millions of people
in Asia with no food,
12
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and I'm one of them?
13
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:41,492
Hey, everybody,
listen to this.
14
00:01:41,536 --> 00:01:43,581
I've got the most
exciting news.
15
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My father is coming to visit
day after tomorrow.
16
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,890
"Howitzer" Al Houlihan?
17
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:50,066
I thought your dad
was retired, Margaret.
18
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,720
What's he doing in this
neck of the woods?
19
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,025
It's a business trip.
20
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:55,115
He's a civilian
military adviser now.
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After my mom and dad
got divorced,
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he decided to take on
a little something,
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00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,208
-keep himself busy.
-Sound idea.
24
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:03,166
Idle hands
are Lucifer's workshop.
25
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,603
Well, I, for one, can't wait
to shake his hand grenade.
26
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,605
Remember when he sent Margaret
that camouflage negligee
27
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to prevent sneak attacks?
28
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Can it, you creeps.
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Colonel, you will see
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00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,090
that this camp is
shipshape for his arrival?
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Aye, aye, Major.
Anything else?
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00:02:16,658 --> 00:02:18,703
Well, sir, now
that you mention it,
33
00:02:18,747 --> 00:02:20,836
your hair could use
a little trim.
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00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:22,229
[laughing]
35
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:25,101
Klinger, there's
a cracker on the floor.
36
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,321
How can you miss anything
that big?
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00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:30,628
Well, I didn't miss it.
I picked it up and swept
under it.
38
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:33,718
Well, sweep it or eat it.
39
00:02:33,762 --> 00:02:36,243
I want you to stack
these things neatly.
40
00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:39,376
I assume you've met
Hurricane Margaret.
41
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:41,944
Well, your outside looks okay.
Any inside information?
42
00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:43,728
It feels pretty good,
Doc.
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00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:44,947
I'm releasing you
in the morning.
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00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:45,991
You can go
back to your unit.
45
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:47,950
You people
did a terrific job.
46
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,952
I'd love to find a way
to pay you back.
47
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:52,650
I work in Food Requisitions
and Disbursements.
48
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:55,479
Oh, the Department of Cruel
and Unusual Nourishment.
49
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,002
Now I know
where you got that.
50
00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:58,787
Pistol-whipped with one
of your own waffles.
51
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:00,267
It was even dumber
than that.
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00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,486
This General Beswick heard
we had fresh strawberries
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00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,488
and just had to have some.
54
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So they sent me
up to the front,
55
00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:07,491
and my jeep turned over.
56
00:03:07,535 --> 00:03:10,364
Your strawberry general
deserves a big raspberry.
57
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,366
Yeah, I'll say.
58
00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:15,238
He lives high off the hog,
and guys like you eat slop.
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00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,371
Maybe I can do
something for you.
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How'd you like some steak?
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00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:23,115
Oh, gee, I don't know.
You mean, give up gristle?
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00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:25,161
No kidding.
When I get back,
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00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,685
I'll try to lay my hands
on some prime stuff.
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00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:31,298
Well, no offense, Morgove,
but I've heard that before.
65
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,561
Why don't you just relax?
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00:03:33,604 --> 00:03:34,997
Don't bite off
more than I can chew.
67
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,000
That's him! He's here!
68
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:40,611
Fall in! Ten-hut!
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00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:44,093
Dress right, dress!
70
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:45,964
Wipe those smiles
off your faces
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00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,923
and try not to look
so miserable.
72
00:03:55,800 --> 00:04:00,457
Oh, Dad, it's so wonderful
to see you.
73
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,285
Margaret, please,
not in front of the troops.
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00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,374
Oh, of course.
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00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:07,290
Um, Dad, my nurses, sir.
76
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:10,598
Colonel,
ready for inspection.
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Margaret, this sort of thing
is a little out of my league
these days.
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00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:16,125
Aw, come on, Dad,
you'll be so pleased.
79
00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:18,954
They're the sharpest
nurses in Korea.
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00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,172
All right.
81
00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:22,174
V.I.P. tent.
82
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:34,056
[jet flying overhead]
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They look fine to me.
84
00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:42,717
Thank you, sir.
Dismissed.
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00:04:44,153 --> 00:04:46,198
I guess there's
only so much you can do
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under the circumstances.
87
00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:50,594
Colonel Potter!
88
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:53,597
-Colonel Houlihan.
-Colonel Potter.
89
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,904
Colonel Potter,
this is my father,
Colonel Houlihan.
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00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:57,775
Right, Major. I can't
tell you how good it feels
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00:04:57,819 --> 00:04:59,211
to shake hands with someone
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00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,083
who remembers the same
Presidents.
93
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:03,912
-Welcome to the 4077.
-Pleasure, Colonel.
94
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,217
And Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt.
95
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:08,003
They're two of our
finest surgeons.
96
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:09,787
-Honor to meet you, Colonel.
-How do you do, Colonel?
97
00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:12,312
Any father of Margaret's
is a father of mine.
98
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:13,443
Uh, Dad, maybe
I should show you
99
00:05:13,487 --> 00:05:14,923
to your new quarters now.
100
00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:16,533
-That would be fine, Margaret.
-Excuse us.
101
00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:18,666
Well, seems like
a nice enough fella.
102
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,494
I don't think he took
a shine to my shoes.
103
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:24,193
I think his first command
to us would be "dress right."
104
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:27,370
I fixed everything in your tent
exactly the way you like it.
105
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,894
I hope those two
aren't typical
of all your officers.
106
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,461
No, they're just
draftees.
107
00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:33,594
But they're
top-notch surgeons.
108
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:35,857
-[dog barking]
-[horn honking]
109
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,383
So, how are you, Dad?
110
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Couldn't be better.
This job was just
the ticket to keep me busy.
111
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:46,955
And how's my little soldier?
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Oh, wonderful.
113
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:51,176
I've got a lot of
responsibility, but I love it.
114
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:54,484
I always told you
it's better to lead
than to follow, didn't I?
115
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:56,181
-Yes, sir.
-At this rate,
116
00:05:56,225 --> 00:05:58,183
you'll make lieutenant colonel
right on schedule.
117
00:05:58,227 --> 00:05:59,924
Yes, sir. You bet I will.
118
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:05,321
It's so odd to see you and think
that you and Mother aren't...
119
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:12,372
Margaret, it's been
a long trip, and, uh...
120
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:14,417
I'd like to unpack
and freshen up.
121
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:17,159
Oh, of course, Daddy.
I understand.
122
00:06:17,202 --> 00:06:19,248
I'll see you later.
123
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:24,688
-Captain Pierce?
-Yeah?
124
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,168
There's a package
for you in my office
125
00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:28,170
the size of New Jersey,
only heavier.
126
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:29,476
-For me?
-Uh-huh.
127
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,086
-What is it?
-I don't know.
128
00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,609
But it's marked
"Educational Materials."
129
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:33,958
Who's it from?
130
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,439
Um, Sergeant Morgove
at Quartermaster Supply.
131
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:39,007
Morgove? Oh, Morgove.
132
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:40,443
He was that kid
with the head wound.
133
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:41,662
-Ah.
-Promised to--
134
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,013
send me some, uh...
135
00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:46,580
What?
136
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,320
[chuckles]
137
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,584
-What? What?
-Come on.
138
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:52,412
We may get a chance
to educate our palates.
139
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:53,848
Come on, what is it, Teach?
140
00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:55,632
Well, I don't wanna get
your hopes up.
141
00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:58,853
Just, uh, follow me and keep
your knives and forks crossed.
142
00:06:58,896 --> 00:07:00,811
-Didn't I tell you?
-Would you look at that?
143
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:02,291
This is almost more
than a mouth can take.
144
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,640
-What? What?
-What is it?
145
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,512
Relax, gentlemen.
If we're lucky,
146
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:06,817
you may have a bone
to pick with me.
147
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:07,818
-Get a hammer.
-Hammer.
148
00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:08,776
[chuckles]
149
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:11,779
See what that says.
150
00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:13,345
Uh, "Dear Dr. Pierce,
Please be advised
151
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:16,174
"that this package is top secret
as well as top grade.
152
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:18,916
It has been accidentally
rerouted from General Beswick"?
153
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,265
"This time,
he gets canned liver
154
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:22,006
and you get prime steaks."
155
00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:23,573
-Steaks!
-Steaks! Close the door.
156
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,752
"Thanks, and once again
sincerely, Ronnie Morgove."
157
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,232
I thought he was just kidding.
158
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:31,276
Now he's gonna
make me eat his words.
159
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,669
Oh, you mean to tell me
160
00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:34,018
this whole box
is full of steak,
161
00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:36,456
as in tender, tasty,
tempting T-bone?
162
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:39,676
From the size,
it must be A-to-Z-bone.
163
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,199
Look at that.
It's packed in dry ice.
164
00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:43,114
I got gloves.
165
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,376
B.J.: Will you hurry?
166
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,161
My taste buds are
dancing in the street.
167
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:48,163
This is fantastic.
There must be enough
here for the whole camp.
168
00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:50,339
-We could throw a surprise
party in the mess tent.
-Yeah.
169
00:07:50,382 --> 00:07:51,862
It's the last place anybody'd
expect to find food.
170
00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:55,257
Hey, wait a minute.
What cut of steak is this?
171
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,389
That's the unkindest
cut of all--
172
00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:59,000
a frozen, naked cow.
173
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,958
Looks like your friend Morgove
gave us the cold shoulder.
174
00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:04,701
It'll take at least
24 hours to thaw.
175
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:07,182
Close the lid. Listen.
176
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:08,575
I think we oughta put
this whole party on ice
177
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,359
for a couple of days.
178
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,883
A guy like Howitzer Al would
love to shoot his mouth off
179
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,363
to General Beswick, you know?
180
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:15,756
I'll keep it here
till he's gone.
181
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,192
-Yeah.
-Nobody will go near it.
182
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:18,410
It's marked
"Educational Material."
183
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:19,586
-That's good.
-Hey, let's go.
184
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,022
-What?
-We've got wounded.
185
00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:23,633
Well, that'll certainly
kill our appetites.
186
00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:25,461
I got a bad bleeder here.
187
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,071
Can you see
everything okay, Dad?
188
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:28,246
Don't worry about me,
Margaret.
189
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,553
Just go on with your work.
190
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:33,513
There we go.
A stitch in time saves six.
191
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:36,428
Number seven.
Now serving number seven.
192
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,430
Oh, by the by, Pierce,
on the way over,
193
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:41,390
I nearly took a header
on that crate addressed to you.
194
00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:43,784
Bigger than my first house.
What's in it?
195
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:46,221
Uh, educational materials.
196
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,528
Educational material?
For Pierce?
197
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:51,313
It's like buying gloves
for the Venus de Milo.
198
00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:54,055
Bite your tongue, Charles.
It's liable to be all you get.
199
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:56,274
Uh, they're just joking, Dad.
200
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:59,277
They like to work
in a lighthearted atmosphere.
201
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:04,152
Just this once, couldn't
you conduct yourself,
202
00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:06,502
with the tiniest trace
of professionalism?
203
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,373
Margaret, will you
perch somewhere?
204
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:10,419
Your shoes
are beginning to smoke.
205
00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:12,421
He's your father.
He's not the inspector general.
206
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:15,424
-I ask you to do one
crummy thing for me--
-[coughs]
207
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:16,599
...because it really
means a lot,
208
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,383
and this is what I get.
209
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:21,473
I don't know why I expected
anything from any of you.
210
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,435
Margaret, take it easy,
will you?
211
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,219
You're a nurse
in a china shop.
212
00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:33,616
[sighs]
213
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,666
-♪♪ [radio: big band]
-[knocking]
214
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:41,406
Come in.
215
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:44,366
I thought you might like
a little snack before
you turn in.
216
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,498
Well, thank you.
217
00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:49,458
Let me fix your bed for you.
Look at this.
218
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:52,374
I specifically told Klinger
not to get you a fat pillow.
219
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,463
It's not even a soft
fat pillow.
220
00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:56,204
It's a hard fat pillow.
221
00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:58,032
How are you supposed
to sleep on a hard fat pillow?
222
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,511
I'll get you another pillow.
223
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,470
-No, the pillow is fine.
-But it's fat.
224
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:02,558
It's all right.
225
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:06,475
How about the blankets?
Are you gonna be warm enough?
226
00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:10,305
Yes, Margaret.
I've spent half of my life
227
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,785
-sleeping in trenches.
-Yeah.
228
00:10:11,828 --> 00:10:14,396
I think I can survive
with what's here.
229
00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:17,617
[chuckles]
230
00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,662
So tell me all
about your new job.
231
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:21,403
Well, there's really
not a lot to tell.
232
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,320
Keeps me busy.
233
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:28,366
Yeah, well, we keep
pretty busy here too.
234
00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:35,417
So, tell me, what are some
of the things that you do?
235
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:36,810
They must be fascinating.
236
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,903
I just don't know
where to start.
237
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:47,647
Besides, I'm a little
bit tired, Margaret.
238
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,174
We'll talk tomorrow, okay?
239
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:56,003
Okay. Sure, Dad.
Good night.
240
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:58,570
Good night.
241
00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:02,183
Dad, about the O.R. today--
242
00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:05,795
Please, Margaret, I'd just
rather not talk about it.
243
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:12,584
Well, I-I just wanted
to say I'm so sorry.
244
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:16,110
I-I've just never
been so clumsy.
245
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:20,810
Oh, that.
246
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:26,033
Well, I'm sure you won't
let it happen again.
247
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:30,211
No.
248
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:57,804
Hey, Colonel.
249
00:11:57,847 --> 00:11:59,806
Buy you a drink,
Colonel?
250
00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:02,025
Only if you promise
to call me Sherman.
251
00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:05,420
Sherman. I'm Alvin.
252
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:07,727
I was hoping we'd have
a chance to chew the fat.
253
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:10,599
Margaret tells me you're
an old cavalry man, too.
254
00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:14,516
Yeah, I rode for almost two
years with the 127th.
255
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:17,562
Now, in that first war,
the army was really the army.
256
00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:20,304
Yep, we sure put the kibosh
on the Kaiser.
257
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:23,917
Now it's just a lot
of old newspaper clippings.
258
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,658
Most of these fighting men
weren't even born then.
259
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,878
It's funny how much faster
the time goes
260
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,924
when you begin to slow up.
261
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,752
When I ship out of here,
262
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:36,581
my home base is gonna be
just plain home.
263
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:39,323
I'm gonna convert the back
room into an office
264
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:43,675
and hang up a shingle
that says "Old Doc Potter"
on one side,
265
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:46,243
and "Gone Fishin'"
on the other.
266
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,942
I won't care if they
pay me off in chickens.
267
00:12:50,421 --> 00:12:53,816
Well, don't count
those chickens too soon.
268
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:59,430
You figure that retirement
is like a full-time R&R,
269
00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:01,519
but in a little while,
270
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:03,304
you've got nothing
to rest up from.
271
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:06,394
Oh, I don't know,
just making it up
to my missus
272
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:09,179
for a lot of lost years
will be a full-time job.
273
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,181
Be like courtin'
all over again.
274
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,618
-Yeah.
-[door opens]
275
00:13:13,662 --> 00:13:16,447
-POTTER: Of course...
-Uh-oh.
276
00:13:16,491 --> 00:13:19,320
Giggles Houlihan is here
for the unhappy hour.
277
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,540
Well, the least we can do
is buy him a whiskey sour.
278
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:24,499
Come on, for Margaret,
let's make nice.
279
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:25,892
Good evening, Colonels.
280
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:27,284
Is this a private
conversation,
281
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:28,546
or can a couple
of captains join in?
282
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,853
-Hello, Doctors.
-Pull up a chair, boys.
283
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,855
Alvin and I were just
rehashing our salad days.
284
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,031
Good. We can use
some new stories.
285
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:37,425
Do you men always
dress this casual?
286
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:39,906
Well, there's been
no formal declaration of war.
287
00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:42,865
Makes no difference.
You're still soldiers.
288
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,650
How 'bout we all
have a drink? It's on me.
289
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:49,089
You fellas don't have
a hell of a lot of respect
for the army, do you?
290
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:50,742
Oh, let's not talk shop.
291
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:52,788
I'll have a beer, Colonel.
How about you, Hawk?
292
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,660
You're damn lucky
to be wearing your
country's uniform.
293
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:58,881
How dare you clowns
make a mockery of it.
294
00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:00,187
Why shouldn't we be clowns?
295
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:01,710
We're living
in a three-ring circus.
296
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,059
Uh, that's one beer,
297
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:04,669
and what are you having,
Pierce?
298
00:14:04,713 --> 00:14:06,715
I think I've had
just about enough.
299
00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:08,891
Why don't you put away
your fife and drum, Colonel?
300
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:12,547
You punks make me sick.
301
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,115
You're a disgrace to the flag.
302
00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:17,944
Damned if I'm gonna stay here
and drink with you.
303
00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:23,993
-Hawkeye, wake up!
-I'm not asleep. I'm dead.
304
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:25,429
Leave flowers and get out.
305
00:14:25,473 --> 00:14:27,170
I've got bad news.
306
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:30,695
You know that educational
material we were gonna eat?
307
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:31,914
You didn't lose it?
308
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:33,655
No, no, no.
I just got a call.
309
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,178
General Beswick's
plenty steamed
310
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,614
about his plateful of liver.
311
00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:38,616
He's got M.P.s
sniffing everywhere.
312
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:41,141
When they show up here,
it'll be his cow and our hides.
313
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,143
Well, we're not giving up
without a fight.
314
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,405
That's our beef.
315
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:45,841
We stole it
fair and square.
316
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,277
Yeah, I respect
your lack of integrity,
317
00:14:47,321 --> 00:14:48,931
but what are we gonna do?
318
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:50,977
We'll start the party
a little early. That's all.
319
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,804
That heifer's frozen solid.
320
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,459
We'll never get it thawed
before the M.P.s get here.
321
00:14:55,503 --> 00:14:58,071
Uh, gentlemen,
do my ears deceive me,
322
00:14:58,114 --> 00:14:59,942
or have you purloined
some sirloin?
323
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:02,727
Not only sirloin,
an entire side of beef.
324
00:15:02,771 --> 00:15:06,079
Uh, Hawk, Beej,
325
00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:09,343
mm-hmm, Max, aren't
we the Four Musketeers,
326
00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:12,128
fighting, wenching, dining?
327
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:14,174
Relax, Pathos, you're in.
328
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,958
Klinger, get that beef
over here,
329
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,655
and don't let
anybody see you.
330
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,701
Coming right up, one side
of beef, hold the witnesses.
331
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:20,876
What can I do?
332
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,964
Well,
for starters, Charles,
333
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:24,445
take off your pajamas.
334
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:27,448
Pierce, if this is
another practical joke,
335
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:29,711
and there is no side of beef--
336
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:32,235
-Shh!
-...rest assured I'm gonna make
hamburger out of both of you.
337
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,237
-Just be quiet.
-Charles, trust me,
and keep moving.
338
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,936
-Trust me.
-You!
339
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:39,677
You! How dare you!
340
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:41,853
-You-- Who do you--
-Margaret--
341
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:43,464
Strutting around here
like you--
342
00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,770
Margaret, calm down.
We don't speak gibberish.
343
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:49,687
Oh, God, I hope you both
are satisfied, you louses.
344
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,733
After your little
shenanigans last night,
345
00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:53,778
my father is packing
to leave right now.
346
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:55,302
Oh. Ha ha.
347
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:56,999
We were just trying to be
friendly, you know.
348
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,567
-Friendly?
-Yes. He fired
the first shot glass.
349
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,656
Who do you think
you're trying to kid?
350
00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:03,571
-Margaret--
-I heard the whole story,
351
00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,529
how you both tried
to humiliate him.
352
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,053
What is it
with you Houlihans?
353
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:09,403
We try to be civil,
and you jump down
our throats.
354
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:11,492
-We were just being
polite, that's all.
-Civil? Don't give me that!
355
00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:13,755
You both
are nothing but a pair
of juvenile delinquents!
356
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:15,322
Come on now.
That's not fair.
357
00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:16,888
We were acting
like adults.
358
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:18,542
I mean, for once,
359
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:19,804
why don't you give us
the benefit of the doubt?
360
00:16:19,848 --> 00:16:21,328
Uh, Klinger,
not yet, Klinger.
361
00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:22,459
Back to the post-op.
362
00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:23,765
Klinger, freeze!
363
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:26,768
What is that?
364
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:27,812
-Uh...
-Um...
365
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:29,684
What is that?
366
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:32,469
May I present Private
Biff Wellington.
367
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:33,905
That's meat.
368
00:16:33,949 --> 00:16:36,734
Just following
doctors' orders.
369
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,736
Adults, huh?
370
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:40,564
Uh, look, you should have
seen him when he came in.
371
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:41,783
He was a vegetable.
372
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:47,745
Major, do you always take
your breakfast for a walk
373
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,095
before you don't eat it?
374
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:51,358
This was my father's
breakfast, Colonel.
375
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:53,577
He's too busy packing
to eat it.
376
00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:55,579
I thought he wasn't
pulling out till tomorrow.
377
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:56,841
Well, he said
that something came up,
378
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:58,582
but I know
what really happened.
379
00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:01,020
Can you blame him
380
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:02,847
after what those
two idiot doctors did
381
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:03,848
at the Officers Club?
382
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:05,415
Whoa, Margaret, I think
383
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:07,765
you're taking a little
shortcut through the facts.
384
00:17:07,809 --> 00:17:10,855
Pierce and Hunnicutt
checked their tongues
at the door.
385
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:12,509
Your father was the one
who was spoiling for a fight.
386
00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:14,120
That's impossible.
387
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,035
Maybe not for a man
who's had a few too many.
388
00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:17,819
I don't believe that
for a minute.
389
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,473
Now just listen, Margaret.
390
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:21,866
Would I be telling you this
if it wasn't true?
391
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:23,477
Something was gnawing at him
392
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,001
long before he chewed out
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
393
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,397
You're right, Colonel.
394
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,051
-That something was me.
-You?
395
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:35,402
I've been doing everything
wrong since he got here.
396
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,578
First my nurses
weren't good enough.
397
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:40,059
Then I mentioned the divorce.
398
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,713
And then the foul-up in O.R.
399
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,283
So last night, he went looking
for company in the O Club
400
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,416
because he obviously
didn't want mine.
401
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,896
Oh, Margaret, you're being
awful tough on yourself.
402
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,116
He's such a wonderful man,
403
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,467
and I've just been
disappointing him
404
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:58,947
my whole life.
405
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,517
[knocking]
406
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:04,866
Howdy, Alvin.
407
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:06,650
I heard you're
pulling out a mite early,
408
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:08,957
so I thought I'd stop over
and say good-bye.
409
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,699
Good-bye, Colonel.
Nice meeting you.
410
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,004
I never got a chance
to tell you
411
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,833
how much your daughter
means to all of us.
412
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:18,358
We couldn't run this place
without her.
413
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:21,491
Well, that little girl's
the best thing that ever
happened to me.
414
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,885
Is that so? Well, you sure got
a funny way of showing it.
415
00:18:25,495 --> 00:18:26,975
I beg your pardon?
416
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,411
Margaret's busted her
britches
417
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:29,934
trying to please you,
418
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:32,894
but you don't seem
to give a tinker's damn.
419
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:35,679
Forgive me, Colonel,
but what business
is this of yours?
420
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,855
It's my business
'cause I care about her.
421
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:40,467
That girl feels like
you've got no use for her.
422
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:42,469
Listen, Colonel,
my daughter knows
that I love her.
423
00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:46,125
After all, I came
halfway across the world
to see her, didn't I?
424
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,691
That should say it all.
425
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:48,997
It doesn't say enough
426
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,521
when all you can do
is find fault.
427
00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:53,958
-What are you talking about?
-Well, for starters,
428
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,091
walking out on her
in the middle of O.R.
429
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,876
didn't exactly
boost her morale.
430
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,836
That had nothing
to do with Margaret.
431
00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:03,490
Then what did it
have to do with?
432
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,450
Was it the doctors'
tomfoolery?
433
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,628
Was it the blood?
434
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,981
Let me tell you
something, Alvin.
435
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:20,855
I've seen tougher
birds than you
who couldn't take it.
436
00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:22,857
But it shouldn't
happen to me.
437
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,989
You mean you'd let Margaret
think she's a failure
438
00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:28,645
rather than admit
you were about
to lose your lunch?
439
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,125
You'd rather
crush her feelings
440
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,779
than let on you're human
like the rest of us?
441
00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:33,346
Colonel--
442
00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:35,957
You're so busy being
"Howitzer" Al Houlihan,
443
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,960
you can't even let your own
daughter know you love her?
444
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:41,745
Listen, Colonel,
445
00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:44,748
you raise your family,
and I'll raise mine.
446
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:52,147
Look. I get the feeling
you're not the kind of man
447
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,411
who would have acted the way
you did the other night
448
00:19:55,455 --> 00:19:57,979
unless something's
really eating you.
449
00:19:58,022 --> 00:20:00,938
Nowadays, you've got a lot
of empty spaces in your life.
450
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:05,029
You don't have your men,
and you don't have your woman.
451
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:07,118
But you do have your daughter.
452
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:10,252
I'd say right now
453
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:11,906
you're running away
from the one person
454
00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:13,473
you should be getting
close to.
455
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:28,662
Half an inch. Hee hee hee!
456
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:30,272
At this rate, it'll be
ready to cook for dinner.
457
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:32,231
Boy, talk about
wetting your appetite.
458
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:39,020
Oh, my, seems like quite
a little wait for the showers.
459
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:43,459
Oh, yeah, yeah, we're saving
spots for two other guys.
460
00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:45,809
Soldiering is a dirty business.
461
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:47,507
Yeah, it's gonna be
a while, Father.
462
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:49,073
Why don't you go back
to your tent?
463
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:51,467
Cleanse your soul. Kidding.
464
00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:59,954
Oh, Dad, I wish
you didn't have to go now.
465
00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:02,826
Well, I'm sorry, Margaret.
466
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:04,437
Plans have all
been made, and...
467
00:21:06,221 --> 00:21:07,962
It was nice seeing you.
468
00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:10,138
It was great
to see you, Dad.
469
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:12,009
-You have everything?
-Yes.
470
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:13,315
Your button's loose.
471
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:15,317
I can fix that.
Let me fix that for you.
472
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:17,798
-I'll just, I'll,
-No. Just leave it lay,
Margaret.
473
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:26,285
-Good-bye.
-Good-bye, Dad.
474
00:21:28,852 --> 00:21:30,637
[engine starts]
475
00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:39,776
[engine off]
476
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,609
I may not have said it
often enough...
477
00:21:49,656 --> 00:21:51,266
but I am proud of you.
478
00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:57,054
Oh, well...
479
00:21:57,098 --> 00:21:59,274
-Hey, listen.
-Thank you, Dad.
480
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:04,192
If I can arrange to be in
Tokyo sometime next month, eh?
481
00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:06,194
Would you come see me?
482
00:22:06,237 --> 00:22:08,718
-I'd love it.
-Oh, Dad!
483
00:22:08,762 --> 00:22:13,114
Oh, you bet I will.
You bet I will.
484
00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:16,117
Good-bye, Margaret.
485
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,119
Good-bye, Dad.
486
00:22:18,162 --> 00:22:19,686
[engine starts]
487
00:22:39,619 --> 00:22:42,099
From now on, Pierce,
you do all the shopping.
488
00:22:42,143 --> 00:22:44,363
-[Charles laughs]
-Did you get some
of these, Margaret?
489
00:22:44,406 --> 00:22:46,408
Um, well, yes, I did,
actually,
490
00:22:46,452 --> 00:22:48,279
but I think I'm just
gonna have a few more.
491
00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:51,370
Father, now you understand
492
00:22:51,413 --> 00:22:53,676
why we had to feed you
that bull outside the showers.
493
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,591
Who cares?
Pass the mushrooms.
494
00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:58,202
Okay. You people
are all in trouble.
495
00:22:58,246 --> 00:22:59,943
General Beswick
wants his beef back.
496
00:23:01,205 --> 00:23:02,511
Um...
497
00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:05,471
-Oh, ho.
-[mumbling]
498
00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:08,343
Sergeant, we've been
expecting you.
499
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,997
You must be tired
500
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,216
-and, uh, and hungry.
-B.J.: Oh, hungry.
501
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:15,089
-We've saved a plate for you.
-Oh!
502
00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:17,352
Sorry, ma'am.
That's stolen beef.
503
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:18,658
Now, hold on, sonny.
504
00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:21,095
Before you accuse anyone
of cattle rustling,
505
00:23:21,138 --> 00:23:23,271
you better taste this first.
506
00:23:23,314 --> 00:23:25,316
-Have a bite of habeas carcass.
-No, wait. I-I can't.
507
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,275
Pass him the mushrooms.
508
00:23:27,318 --> 00:23:28,711
-Oh, mushrooms.
-Did you say mushrooms?
509
00:23:34,674 --> 00:23:36,458
I was right. This is steak.
510
00:23:39,243 --> 00:23:42,421
Matter of fact, this is
the best steak I ever tasted.
511
00:23:42,464 --> 00:23:43,596
Finish it up.
512
00:23:43,639 --> 00:23:46,207
Hey, wait, uh,
513
00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:47,904
what am I gonna say
to General Beswick?
514
00:23:47,948 --> 00:23:50,167
Well, after you've
digested the evidence,
515
00:23:50,211 --> 00:23:52,039
you can honestly
tell the general
516
00:23:52,082 --> 00:23:54,302
he's got absolutely
no beef here.
517
00:23:55,651 --> 00:23:57,479
♪♪ [theme]
518
00:24:08,664 --> 00:24:10,492
♪♪ [theme]
39064
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