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1
00:00:01,262 --> 00:00:04,134
♪♪ [theme]
2
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-How's that stomach, Cochran?
-Not too good, sir.
3
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,236
Well, that's not surprising,
4
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:04,194
considering all the iron
I took out of you.
5
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:06,240
Every compass in Korea was
pointing to your belly button.
6
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:08,285
His fever's still up,
Doctor.
7
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:11,897
101.6? You're into
the F.M. dial.
8
00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:13,899
Let me take a look here.
9
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:16,511
I always like to admire
my artistry.
10
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:20,732
Huh, my yellow period.
11
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,126
Okay, take a culture
and pack it open.
12
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:25,433
Increase his I.V.
To 150 c.c.'s per hour,
13
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:28,088
-and start him on penicillin
and streptomycin.
-Yes, Doctor.
14
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:30,090
You got a little infection,
but don't worry about it.
15
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:33,223
I'll give you a note to
stay home from the war
another two weeks.
16
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:36,835
-Uh, can I, uh-- You wanna--
-Hmm?
17
00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:40,143
-Uh--
-What?
18
00:01:40,187 --> 00:01:42,145
Folks, we gotta have
a little staff meeting
19
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,494
about all these
staph infections.
20
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,844
-Who is it this time?
-Cochran.
21
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,237
And I've taken
every precaution.
22
00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:49,283
I even put a hospital corner
on his bandage.
23
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:51,328
It's appalling.
It's our own version
of germ warfare.
24
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:52,851
Seems to me we've
checked everything,
25
00:01:52,895 --> 00:01:54,244
autoclave,
anesthesia tubes,
26
00:01:54,288 --> 00:01:56,028
suction machines,
partridge in a pear tree.
27
00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:58,727
Yeah, and I always wash
at least one hand
before I operate.
28
00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:00,207
I know it's clean
in here.
29
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,773
Everybody who comes close
to these patients
30
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:02,992
has been checked out.
31
00:02:03,035 --> 00:02:05,168
Well, if we eliminate,
uh, post-op,
32
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,952
we're inescapably
left with "op."
33
00:02:06,996 --> 00:02:09,041
Whatever's causing the infection
has to be in the O.R.
34
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,043
We gotta stop letting all
those sick people in there.
35
00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:15,047
-Pierce, save the jokes
for the operating room.
-[man groaning]
36
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:17,049
Kill off every germ
in the place, you know?
37
00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:18,486
[groaning continues]
38
00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:20,314
Hey, De Simone,
what's wrong?
39
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:22,185
You should be very happy.
Your leg's doing beautifully.
40
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,361
[Italian accent]
Only one thing would
make me happy now.
41
00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:25,884
What's that?
42
00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:29,018
If that shrapnel--
how you say in America--
43
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,846
killed me dead
as a doorknob.
44
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,369
What a terrible thing
to say.
45
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:35,372
Sorry. I cannot yet speak
the fluent inglese.
46
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:38,549
No, what I mean is you have
everything to live for.
47
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:41,378
Soon, you'll be
returning to Italia.
48
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:44,555
Warm summer nights at
the Trevi Fountain in Roma.
49
00:02:44,599 --> 00:02:49,821
A gondola ride in Venezia.
Firenzi, Genoa, Milano,
Napoli--
50
00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,910
I know the cities.
51
00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:56,915
Depression is very common
for people in your situation.
52
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:58,221
You'll get over it.
53
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:01,137
My leg, I will get over,
but today,
54
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,357
this has smashed my heart
to figurines.
55
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,620
-What's that?
-A "Dear Giovanni" letter.
56
00:03:05,663 --> 00:03:10,451
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
-My Angela, she left me.
57
00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:14,498
She throw me up
for another man.
One with bigger lira.
58
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:16,500
Well, I think
she made a big mistake.
59
00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:19,982
I am a De Simone!
60
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:23,855
My Angela.
How could she do this to me?
61
00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,162
Believe me,
you'll meet somebody else.
62
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,425
You're a big, strong,
handsome man.
63
00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:31,646
Si,but what good is it
to be a Ferrari
64
00:03:31,689 --> 00:03:33,648
if you are out of gas?
65
00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:39,480
Ignazio, you must stop
dwelling on the past.
66
00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:42,004
-You have to forget
about Angela.
-Yeah.
67
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:44,398
Any woman would be
thrilled to have you.
68
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:48,271
What is it, your name?
69
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:52,667
-Margaret.
-Margarita.
70
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,799
Hey, Charles,
why don't you get down here
71
00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,932
where the germs can get
a better shot at you?
72
00:03:56,975 --> 00:03:59,630
Because I can see from here all
that gunk between the cracks.
73
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:02,503
It's a veritable Shangri-la
for bacteria to breed.
74
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:04,679
Yeah, their very own backseat
of a car.
75
00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:07,072
Look at this stuff.
One good draft in here,
76
00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:08,944
and before you know it,
the wounds get wind of it.
77
00:04:08,987 --> 00:04:10,946
You know, Charles,
this floor's a lot like you.
78
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:14,471
Filled with culture
and breeding that
nobody can tolerate.
79
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:16,299
Your temperature's
almost normal, Private.
80
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,258
Does that mean I'll be
back on real food soon?
81
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,390
No. I'm afraid
you'll have to eat
82
00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:22,479
what comes out of
the Mess Tent.
83
00:04:25,613 --> 00:04:28,093
Ignazio,
how are you feeling?
84
00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:30,182
Now that I see you,
molto bene.
85
00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:32,446
Ah, how Italian of you.
86
00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:34,448
Always I'll be
grateful to you.
87
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,493
When I was, how you say,
beside myself,
88
00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:39,322
you come and sit down
next to me, beside myself.
89
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:40,367
I'm glad I could help.
90
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,369
I have some good news
for you.
91
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:44,588
You'll be
rejoining your unit
the day after tomorrow.
92
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:48,113
Ah, then that day
I have an empty room in
the pensioneof my life,
93
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:50,507
the one where Margarita,
she used to live.
94
00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:54,076
-Ignazio.
-If only I do not have to go.
95
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,295
Oh, but you do.
96
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:58,254
But we could spend
long hours together.
97
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,343
Walks on the moonlight,
98
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:03,390
picnics at the country,
sunsets in the beach.
99
00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:06,262
-This is Korea.
-When you have amore,
100
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,873
there is no Korea.
101
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:13,356
Watch it, Ignazio.
There are other people here.
102
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:17,229
You can't do that.
[murmuring]
103
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:19,101
Capisco.
104
00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:29,241
A De Simone is nothing
if not discreet.
105
00:05:44,735 --> 00:05:48,391
IGNAZIO:
[singing in Italian]
106
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,393
What in the world?
107
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,787
[singing continues]
108
00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:54,789
Ignazio.
109
00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:04,320
What-- Corpsman De Simone,
what are you doing?
110
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,322
-Margarita--
-Get in here.
111
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,280
Ah, si, si, si, si.
112
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:12,241
Ah, Margarita, mi amore.
113
00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:14,983
I'm not your mi amore,
and you're supposed to be
in post-op.
114
00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:18,247
How can I be in post-op
when my heart is here?
115
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:21,337
Well, your heart
is off-limits, soldier.
116
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:25,254
Why for you drive me
crazy like this?
117
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:29,258
You say I cannot kiss you
with other peoples around,
so I come here.
118
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:31,303
You drag me into your tent,
119
00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:34,219
and say I cannot kiss you
with no other peoples around.
120
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:37,179
You are toying with me
like a cat with a dead moose.
121
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:39,268
No, you misunderstand.
122
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,096
I wasn't trying
to encourage you.
123
00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:44,273
A De Simone does not
need encouragement.
124
00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:47,711
You have filled the tank
of my Ferrari.
125
00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:51,019
No, you're just
on the rebound from Angela.
126
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:53,108
Oh, she is nothing.
She is a child.
127
00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:55,284
But you, you--
128
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:58,200
You are a woman.
My bellissima.
129
00:06:58,243 --> 00:07:01,246
No, no, no!
As an officer of the
United States Army,
130
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:03,248
-I am ordering you to bed.
-Ah!
131
00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:05,294
No, no, no, your bed!
132
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:08,123
I see. You make a test
to find out
133
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:10,691
how deep my love,
she is for you, huh?
134
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:13,302
Get out of here.
135
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:15,435
I do not understand,
but all is right.
136
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:18,438
A De Simone, he does not
need to understand.
137
00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:19,830
Buona notte.
138
00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:23,921
Aha, all right.
Well, there you have it, folks.
139
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:26,010
The special of the day,
staph under glass.
140
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,838
Cochran's running
with a bad crowd.
141
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,361
Gentlemen, as long as
the germs have the floor,
142
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,146
we are engaged in
an exercise of futility.
143
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,191
You know, I hate to put
the knock on wood,
144
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:35,759
but if we just lay
the same kind of floor,
145
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,108
we've got a new home
for old germs.
146
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:40,764
-Yeah.
-We need something
more concrete.
147
00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:45,073
Boys, I hate to throw cold
sarsaparilla on your scheme,
148
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:48,119
but every time I've put in for
one, it's been red-lined.
149
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:51,645
Good grief, all we're asking
is for the corps of engineers
to lay down a cement floor.
150
00:07:51,688 --> 00:07:55,257
I've been down that road before,
and believe me, it ain't paved.
151
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:58,390
-They never run out of ink
for their "no" stamp.
-Oh, what nonsense.
152
00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:00,175
Colonel, what would you say
if we make the call ourselves?
153
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:02,177
-This time it'll be our nickel.
-All right.
154
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,179
You've got carte blanche,
troops.
155
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:08,749
Believe me, nothing would
thrill me more than to have
you lads succeed.
156
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:11,273
But the way the engineers
look at it, we're a MASH unit.
157
00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:13,754
They won't give us anything
we can't fold up
158
00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:15,451
and carry or stuff
in a duffel.
159
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,933
They never let us forget
"M" is for mobile.
160
00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:23,503
I know the "M" is for mobile,
but we haven't moved
in five months.
161
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,505
Because we like it here.
162
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:29,857
It's near shopping
and transportation and wounded.
163
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,772
Look, look, wait a minute.
164
00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:35,079
What is so difficult
about a floor?
165
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:38,256
All you have to do is
just come and slip it
under the door.
166
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,435
No, no, no, don't.
No, no, no, just--
167
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:46,395
Hello?
168
00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:49,398
-When's it coming?
-We wanna be sure somebody's
home when they deliver it.
169
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:51,269
Once again, the army proves
Darwin's theory
170
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:52,793
of survival
of the "twittest."
171
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:55,317
You guys are going
about this all wrong.
172
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,059
You gotta learn
to think like the army.
173
00:08:58,102 --> 00:09:00,583
If you want sugar, you gotta
say, "Pass the salt."
174
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:02,585
We want concrete.
What do we ask for,
feathers?
175
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:07,111
Close.
Let me demonstrate,
O Outranking Ones.
176
00:09:07,155 --> 00:09:09,897
[whistling]
177
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:17,992
Hello, Quartermaster?
How are the kids and
Mrs. Master?
178
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,820
And they say
we do all the operating.
179
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:25,216
This is MASH 4077.
Your buddy Klinger here.
180
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:28,611
A three-star is coming
to visit next week.
181
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:32,920
Intelligence has it that
the general loves barbecued pig.
182
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:36,184
Right. Got the bricks
for the barbecue,
183
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:40,536
but what we don't have
is the cement to mix
the mortar
184
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,756
to hold the bricks
to the barbecue to cook.
185
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:46,368
-The Genghis of Con.
-We're in the presence
of Sitting Bull.
186
00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:48,936
A huge barbecue with
a little patio around it
187
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,633
for the general's
chaise lounge.
188
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:53,854
Thank you, Sergeant.
189
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,899
You're a credit
to your uniform.
190
00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:59,555
Your cement is in the bag.
191
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,906
If there's any left over,
I'm erecting a monument to you.
192
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,387
I don't wanna cast aspersions
on your dishonesty,
193
00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:07,955
but when they get here
and find out that
194
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,870
this barbecue is a concrete
slab in the O.R.,
195
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,393
what makes you think
they'll still put it in?
196
00:10:11,436 --> 00:10:13,438
Who said they would
in the first place?
197
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:16,485
I was talking to
quartermasters,
not engineers.
198
00:10:16,528 --> 00:10:20,228
Engineers build.
Q.C. just delivers and dumps.
199
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:22,796
Dare one inquire
what that means?
200
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:25,712
You have to put
the floor in yourselves.
201
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:29,454
-[laughs]
-Us, put in cement?
202
00:10:29,498 --> 00:10:31,239
We're doctors,
not dentists.
203
00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:33,981
The closest I get to
building anything
is when I make my bed.
204
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:38,202
Gentlemen, once again
our trusty Arab
205
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:40,509
has led us to a mirage.
206
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:43,425
Fear not.
This Arabian knight
is gonna save your day.
207
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:46,602
I know everything you ever
wanna know about cement.
208
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,952
I spent two summers working
for my Uncle Amos.
209
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,693
He's in the birdbath business.
210
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,826
What did you do, hang up
the little shower curtains?
211
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:56,090
No. I mixed the cement
and poured the molds
212
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,527
which makes me
a fountain of knowledge.
213
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,485
What do you say, Beej?
You wanna take a crack at it?
214
00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:01,791
What do we got to lose?
215
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:03,663
For one thing, me.
216
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:05,926
These hands work on nothing
lower than an appendectomy.
217
00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:07,841
Well, our loss is our gain.
218
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:10,582
Okay, Klinger, you're on.
But you better know what
you're doing.
219
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,281
Trust me, I know cement,
and it's not that hard.
220
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:23,421
[whistle blowing]
221
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:26,163
Let's start moving.
Let's start moving.
222
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,165
This is your foreman.
223
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,515
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Who made you the foreman?
224
00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,127
Well, I thought
the selection was automatic,
considering my background.
225
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:35,520
Well, you can take
your background and go
sit in the background.
226
00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:38,393
Have it your way, boss.
One quick question before I go.
227
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:40,743
What's the formula
for mixing concrete?
228
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:43,572
Why don't you handle
this one, Beej?
229
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,487
Don't look at me.
Talk to the foreman.
230
00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:49,578
[blows whistle]
Listen up. Listen up.
231
00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:53,538
Concrete is a mixture
consisting of four elements:
232
00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:58,935
Cement, sand, gravel and water.
233
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:02,504
All combined
in precise proportions.
234
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:05,507
Ah, Klinger, punching in
the old lunch-pail crowd?
235
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,857
Please, Colonel,
no sidewalk superintendents.
236
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:10,468
You better be quiet, Colonel.
Can't you see Klinger
has the floor?
237
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:13,210
Well, I've gotta doff
my derby to you boys.
238
00:12:13,254 --> 00:12:15,778
And the next time
I put my foot down around
here,
239
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:19,086
I'm looking forward
to having cement under it.
240
00:12:19,129 --> 00:12:21,610
[blows whistle]
You heard the colonel.
You heard the colonel.
241
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:23,917
-Let's start moving
some of this cement.
-Yes, sir, Corporal.
242
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,310
-Yes, sir, Corporal.
-Put the sand in the trough.
243
00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:29,139
I'll check the O.R. to see if
everything's ready.
[blows whistle]
244
00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:31,272
Come on, Beej, we've gotta
get that O.R. built
245
00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:33,753
before our
hernia operation.
246
00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:38,061
Arrivederci,
my sweet rose flower.
247
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,802
-Good-bye, Ignazio.
-Ah--
248
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,024
For you.
249
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,591
-Ah, si.
-Good-bye.
250
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,552
-Stop-a the jeep!
-DRIVER: Hey!
251
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,555
Carissima.
252
00:12:53,598 --> 00:12:56,036
-You cannot leave me.
-I am not leaving.
253
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:58,038
You're leaving.
You must go back
to your unit.
254
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:00,649
My unit can wait.
Wars, they come and go,
255
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,042
but you and I are
once in a lifetime.
256
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,522
Please, Ignazio,
you've got to go back.
257
00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,961
I cannot.
I cannot leave that hair,
those eyes, those lips,
258
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,006
-how you say, beyond?
-Behind.
259
00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:12,661
That also,
I cannot leave.
260
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:16,491
-Ignazio...
-Oh, just say it to me,
"Stay," and I'm yours.
261
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:19,015
Hey, De Simone, come on!
Let's go!
262
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:24,760
[yelling in Italian]
263
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,631
Sorry, mi amore.
264
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:30,418
Ignazio, please, you're
a sweet, wonderful man.
265
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:33,290
No, no, no, no, no!
266
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:36,206
Uh, but there could never
be anything between us
267
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:39,122
because I've gotta stay here
and I've got work to do.
268
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:42,691
And you must
get back to your unit. See?
269
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:46,826
-[engine starts]
-This is such a tragedy
of sadness.
270
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:50,568
-I'm sorry.
-We are victims of war.
271
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:53,833
We are like two sheep
that pass in the night.
[yells]
272
00:13:57,097 --> 00:14:01,449
MULCAHY: ♪ Cement mixer,
putti putti ♪
273
00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:05,409
♪ Cement mixer,
putti putti ♪
274
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:08,325
♪ Cement mixer,
putti putti ♪
275
00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:12,677
♪ A puddle o' gooty,
puddle o' vooty,
puddle o' scooty ♪
276
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,723
♪♪ [vocalizing]
277
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:18,248
-How's everything going
inside, B.J.?
-Slowly but "pourly."
278
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:21,948
You know, I never realized
how tiring total exhaustion
could be.
279
00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:25,081
I'd be delighted to switch.
You push the tricycle
for a while.
280
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,517
I'll stay out here
with Der Bingle.
281
00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:28,824
No, no, no, you'd never
get it right.
282
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,306
Besides, I'm the only one
Klinger's trusted
with his secret recipe.
283
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:36,658
[blowing whistle]
Let's go! Let's go!
Off your butts, sirs.
284
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,313
We're in the concrete business,
not the goldbrick business.
285
00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:41,968
-We're dead on our feet.
-We're taking a coffin break.
286
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:45,928
No time, no time.
The entire floor has
to be poured wet.
287
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:50,367
If that isn't done fast
enough to set and dry in one
piece, it'll be full of cracks.
288
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:52,979
-Why didn't you say so before?
-Any idiot knows that.
289
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:56,896
-He's certainly got us there.
-If you want this job done
right, pick up the pace.
290
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:59,942
Everyone's working
to the utmost of his
capabilities, Corporal.
291
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:01,770
Then everyone isn't enough.
292
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:04,164
We'll either have to get
more people or less floor.
293
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:07,645
I hope you boys are having
a good time playing
in your sandbox.
294
00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:10,344
Why, Charles,
how nice of you to drop by.
295
00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:12,607
-Oh, not at all.
-Just when we needed help.
296
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:15,958
You stir, while I have
to round up a few recruits.
297
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:18,221
-Surely you jest.
You don't expect me to...
-♪ Cement mixer
298
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:20,876
Charles, pick up that hoe,
or I'll have you spayed.
299
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,314
-Now, please...
-Start mixing, Charlie, or
you'll be part of the floor.
300
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:28,884
-Right this way.
-No, just-- See,
I vowed as a youth...
301
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,626
that the only disgusting work
I would put these hands to
302
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,541
would be the opening
of oysters.
303
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:38,676
-It's beautiful, Klinger.
-Better than that, it's flat.
304
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,113
Klinger, we owe you
our thanks.
305
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,941
Congratulations indeed,
Klinger.
306
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,421
I've always been envious
of you swarthy types,
307
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:46,032
and your natural gift
for demeaning labor.
308
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:49,078
If I were Klinger,
I'd resent that,
Mr. Clean Jeans.
309
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:51,080
Well, I am him,
and I do resent it.
310
00:15:51,124 --> 00:15:53,430
Yes, sir, folks,
Klinger's magic elixir.
311
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:55,128
Cures any kind
of infection.
312
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:59,132
One part cement,
four parts sand
and six parts gravel.
313
00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:03,963
Oh, no, tell me you didn't
say six parts gravel.
314
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:07,618
I said six parts gravel
because you said
six parts gravel.
315
00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:10,099
I never said six parts gravel
in my life, in my life.
316
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:13,624
I said four parts sand,
three parts gravel.
317
00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:20,631
Congratulations,
ladies and gentlemen...
318
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:23,547
we have just laid
240 cubic feet of oatmeal.
319
00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:27,769
Don't look at me.
Talk to Mr. Cement Mixer
Putti Putti here.
320
00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:32,556
Klinger, is this not
your crayon?
321
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,037
This screw-up is on
your shoulders, Captain.
322
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:38,040
I mean,
you made me a foreman.
You let me be the foreman.
323
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,129
-Yeah, well, you blew it.
-Klinger, how could you?
324
00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:41,478
How could you make
such a dumb mistake?
325
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:43,785
Why don't you use
your brains for once?
326
00:16:43,828 --> 00:16:47,876
-[overlapping yelling]
-Easy. Take it easy on Klinger.
327
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:51,662
True, he is an incompetent.
Now, on to new business.
328
00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:54,665
The bare fact is we haven't
got a floor to stand on.
329
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:57,538
Let's face it, Pierce,
you, uh--your undertaking
330
00:16:57,581 --> 00:16:59,279
has only served to make
a bad condition worse.
331
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:01,585
If I were you, I wouldn't
use the word "undertaking"
332
00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:02,847
when there are
shovels around.
333
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:05,502
Gentlemen, you are
missing the point.
334
00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:08,679
Ideally, cement is infinitely
superior to wood,
335
00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:13,684
but I think you will agree
that wood is equally superior
to the Okefenokee Swamp.
336
00:17:13,728 --> 00:17:16,078
-Yes.
-I see I speak
for the vast majority
337
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:18,863
when I say we can have
the wood floor back
in an hour.
338
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,475
Let's do that and get
a good night's sleep.
339
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:25,131
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
Wait a minute.
340
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:27,394
I got a better idea.
341
00:17:27,437 --> 00:17:29,352
Why don't we just all go out
and get the old wood,
342
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:30,875
and then instead of making
a floor,
343
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:34,531
let's avoid the middleman
and go right to coffins.
344
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,490
Because as sure as we're
standing here,
345
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:37,795
some kid is gonna die
of an infection,
346
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:39,101
and we're just
gonna have to live with it.
347
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:41,103
So, why don't we just
all turn in,
348
00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:44,802
and see if we can
sleep on that, okay?
349
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:46,108
Pleasant dreams.
350
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:50,939
Well, we still have
lots of cement.
351
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:53,072
All right, men, we've got
blisters to tend to.
352
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,160
Band-Aids all around.
353
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,684
I'll keep
the hot coffee coming.
354
00:17:58,947 --> 00:17:59,991
[blows whistle]
355
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:05,040
-Carissima!
-[screams]
356
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,390
I've returned.
357
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:10,872
-Ignazio.
-Speaking.
358
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,787
What are you
doing here?
359
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:14,832
You're supposed to be
back with your unit.
360
00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:16,834
You know why I am here.
361
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:19,402
Your lips, they said,
"Go away"...
362
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:22,840
but your eyes,
they say, "Go AWOL."
363
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,147
KLINGER:
No question about it.
364
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,845
It's the right color
and the right texture.
365
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:31,675
In a few hours,
we'll have a solid
wall-to-wall floor.
366
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:32,981
And now if our
beloved foreman
367
00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:34,069
will initial
his masterpiece
368
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,940
in the lower
right-hand corner.
369
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:38,029
It will be an honor
and only fitting.
370
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:40,031
Why don't you give us
a nose print?
371
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:41,816
Be a great
tourist attraction
372
00:18:41,859 --> 00:18:44,862
here at Grauman's Hopefully
Not Chinese Theater.
373
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:46,951
What are you painting,
Charles?
374
00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:49,171
A self-portrait entitled
Man Not Working?
375
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:50,868
Well, if you must know,
Pierce,
376
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:54,872
I'm making a wet cement
"Caution" sign.
377
00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:57,048
Hey, how come you got
the easy job
378
00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,702
when we had to
bust our buns?
379
00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:03,446
Very well. Klinger,
how do you spell "caution"?
380
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:06,057
-C-A-W...
-I rest my case.
381
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:08,451
When I have this sign finished,
I'll hang one on this door.
382
00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:10,845
Then I have to walk
all the way around,
383
00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:12,890
-and put one on the other door.
-Aww.
384
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:15,066
-K-A-W?
-Now you got it.
385
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,765
Come with me to Napoli,
mi cuore.
386
00:19:17,808 --> 00:19:19,767
Oh, Ignazio, please.
387
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,769
I give you love.
I give you bambinos.
388
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:23,771
I give you happiness.
I give you more bambinos.
389
00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:25,860
Do you know you could
be arrested for this?
390
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:28,776
Already I'm being held
prisoner by my love for you.
391
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,821
Ignazio, look,
I fixed your leg.
392
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,997
Now get up on it
and walk back to
your unit.
393
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:35,696
Why for you talk
like this to me,
the man you love?
394
00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:36,914
I don't love you.
395
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:39,917
Ah, then there can
only be one answer.
396
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:42,790
-Somewhere is another man, no?
-No, that's not--
397
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:45,096
Yes,
that's it. That's it.
There's another man.
398
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:48,056
A De Simone is always
the last to know.
You love him deeply, no?
399
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:50,841
-Oh, with all my heart and soul.
-Who is he, this lucky man?
400
00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:53,104
-Oh, I'd rather not say.
-You must!
401
00:19:53,148 --> 00:19:56,107
Oh, now, fear not for his life.
I carry no grouch.
402
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:59,110
I just want to know
what kind of man he is
403
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:00,851
can take you from me.
I must know.
404
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:02,984
I have no time for this.
There's a war on.
405
00:20:03,027 --> 00:20:06,988
If only you tell me,
I go back to my unit
with my heart at peace.
406
00:20:07,031 --> 00:20:09,512
-[whistling]
-Si.
407
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,819
Him,
Dr. Winchester.
408
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:14,996
Him? The man
with the bocce ball head?
409
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:16,998
Oh, Charles is
a wonderful man.
410
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:19,609
Of course he is.
411
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:23,047
As gentleman of honor,
I must go tell him
the best man, he wins.
412
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:27,138
-What? No, you mustn't.
-Yes, I must. I am.
I'm De Simone.
413
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:31,839
Oh, no, please, Ignazio,
you mustn't tell him.
No, please, he'd be--
414
00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:34,972
Uh, you see, he-- he
doesn't know.
415
00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:37,497
-He doesn't know about
your love for him?
-No.
416
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,586
-I will tell him.
-No!
417
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:42,850
-Si.
-Now, listen. Ignazio, please!
418
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,852
The man they call Winchest.
419
00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:48,377
This fine woman,
she loves you so big,
and you not love her back.
420
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:50,118
What on earth
are you talking about,
421
00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:51,989
and in what language
are you saying it?
422
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:54,905
-Charles, don't listen to him.
-You are cold and no sensitive.
423
00:20:54,949 --> 00:20:57,952
-How can you not see
she love you?
-Oh, I don't love him.
424
00:20:57,995 --> 00:21:01,303
-That's one way.
-Of course she deny it.
425
00:21:01,347 --> 00:21:05,351
She has proudness.
But she give the eye of
her teeth to have you.
426
00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:07,483
Ignazio, you're making
a fool of yourself.
427
00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,050
You're not doing
too badly either, Margaret.
428
00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:12,009
-You "pomposter."
You gigolo!
-Ignazio, let's go.
429
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:14,795
My good man,
I have better things to do
430
00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:16,536
than stand around
listening to someone
431
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:17,624
make no sense
in two languages.
432
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:20,017
Let me make myself
more clearly.
433
00:21:20,061 --> 00:21:22,759
If this woman,
she is dishonored
434
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:25,022
if she sheds
one drop of tear
because of you,
435
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:27,721
our next meeting
will not be so pleasant.
436
00:21:27,764 --> 00:21:30,027
Well, this one has been
enchanting, I assure you.
437
00:21:30,071 --> 00:21:31,986
I can hardly wait
for the next one.
438
00:21:32,029 --> 00:21:33,640
I shall be anxiously
counting the decades.
439
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,122
Oh, dear.
440
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:41,082
Charles, couldn't you just
sign your initials like
everybody else?
441
00:21:42,823 --> 00:21:44,128
Yes.
442
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:47,088
That does it, Charles.
I'm throwing in the trowel.
443
00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:52,136
Thank you.
444
00:21:52,180 --> 00:21:56,053
-Why won't you tell me
where we're going?
-It's a surprise.
445
00:21:56,097 --> 00:21:58,142
-Got a little job for you.
-Oh, yeah? What kind of job?
446
00:21:58,186 --> 00:22:00,623
Well, we thought you might
perform a little
surgery for us.
447
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:04,192
Ah, the guest of honor.
This is for you, son.
448
00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:06,629
Before we have
the official ribbon-cutting,
449
00:22:06,673 --> 00:22:09,110
I'd like to thank you all
for breaking your britches.
450
00:22:09,153 --> 00:22:11,286
And I'd like to single out
certain folks
451
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,114
for special commendation.
452
00:22:13,157 --> 00:22:16,944
First, Captains
Pierce and Hunnicutt
453
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:21,035
for their corking initiative
in going over my head
right to Corporal Klinger.
454
00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:25,039
Next,
Major Winchester.
455
00:22:25,082 --> 00:22:28,216
Major Winchester?
He didn't do a thing.
He didn't lift a shovel.
456
00:22:28,259 --> 00:22:31,088
Pipe down. Pipe down.
This is an operating room.
457
00:22:31,132 --> 00:22:34,091
As I was saying,
here's to Major Winchester
458
00:22:34,135 --> 00:22:37,791
for showing that
a man can be neat,
clean and bathed,
459
00:22:37,834 --> 00:22:39,880
and still end up
smelling bad.
460
00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:41,229
Now you're
talking, sir.
461
00:22:43,797 --> 00:22:45,233
Finally,
Corporal Klinger.
462
00:22:45,276 --> 00:22:47,975
It's thanks to his
horse-trading skills
463
00:22:48,018 --> 00:22:52,283
that we got the material
for one hell of
a concrete floor.
464
00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:54,982
I owe it all to
my men, sir.
465
00:22:55,025 --> 00:22:57,898
I've long suspected
that one sure way
466
00:22:57,941 --> 00:23:00,901
to get this ornery bunch
off their back pockets
467
00:23:00,944 --> 00:23:04,295
is to tell them that
something can't be done.
468
00:23:04,339 --> 00:23:06,341
And without knowing
I was doing it,
469
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,343
I found I was right.
470
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,824
Padre?
471
00:23:10,867 --> 00:23:13,261
Oh, thank you, sir.
472
00:23:13,304 --> 00:23:16,830
Dear Lord, we ask you
to bless this floor.
473
00:23:16,873 --> 00:23:18,962
May it be used
as little as possible.
474
00:23:19,006 --> 00:23:21,182
-Amen.
-Amen.
475
00:23:21,225 --> 00:23:24,185
-Okay, this is your
big moment, Cochran.
-Here we go.
476
00:23:24,228 --> 00:23:28,058
-Oh, look at that.
-[cheering]
477
00:23:33,237 --> 00:23:35,109
-[chatter]
-CHARLES: Retractor, Margaret.
478
00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:36,980
Come on. Hurry up.
479
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:40,070
MARGARET:
Watch your mouth, loverboy,
or our mutual friend
480
00:23:40,114 --> 00:23:42,769
may just come back
and say arrivederci
to your teeth.
481
00:23:43,857 --> 00:23:45,336
POTTER: Congrats, people.
482
00:23:45,380 --> 00:23:48,165
A Missouri mule couldn't kick
a hole in this floor.
483
00:23:48,209 --> 00:23:51,908
HAWKEYE:
Thanks, Colonel.
More suction here.
484
00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:54,607
B.J.: Uh-oh, did somebody
drop something?
485
00:23:54,650 --> 00:23:56,522
HAWKEYE:
Yeah, I did.
486
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:58,567
Don't you just love
that sound?
487
00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,874
♪♪
488
00:24:11,928 --> 00:24:14,453
♪♪ [theme]
39647
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