All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S05E09 - The Korean Surgeon (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

[theme music playing]

[honking]

[honking continues]

MAN:
Go, go, go, go, go!

How many times
have I told you?

Deliveries
in the rear.

We overrana North Koreanaid station.

We got some of oursand some of theirs.

You mean they
brought in Commies?

This bus willpick up anybody.

FRANK:Well, I didn't come toKorea to treat the enemy.

B.J.:I'm sure they'll be gladto hear that, Frank.

O.R. Stat!
Prep him.

Litter!

Rest in peace.

Now, this
one can wait.

Well, what
do we got here?

A wounded Commie
officer, huh?

Please. Take a look at
that man across the way.

What, you giving
me instructions?

He has
an intra-abdominal bleed.

Probably
a ruptured spleen.

-Listen, wise guy,
I'm the doctor here.
-He's delirious.

Last week, he thoughthe was a fire chief.

Ah, you wanna
hear a hot one?

This pinko
here is trying to
teach me medicine.

Tell him he's
wasting his time.

You keep your trap
shut, Commie!

You're in enough
trouble as it is.

Please, Doctor!

That man has
internal bleeding.

He needs
surgery immediately.

-Radar!
-Sir.

Get thisman into pre-op.

-He's number one
on the hit parade.
-Right. Roy!

Oh, for criminy sakes,
why do you listen to him

when you won't listen
to one of your own kind?

Oh, nerts to you.

Don't tell me.
Let me guess,

you're a doctor,
right?

And that man, he has
a crushed femoral artery.

You'll have
to take the leg.

Yeah, I looked at him.He's on his way.

He's terrified
he will be killed.

Tell him not
to worry, Doctor.

Your patients
are ours now.

But I warn you,
we don't split fees.

You know, I've beenvery worried about you,Margaret.

Really?

You know, your fiancéwhat's-his-name, uh,

-Ronald?
-Donald.

-Right.
-Right.

You know,maybe you're naive,

and don't see thatthere are deceitful peoplein this world.

I've been doing a lot ofthinking about this in my tent,

-alone, at night.
-Right, Frank.

No, really,he just might bestringing you along.

He gave me a ring!

-Well, big deal.
-[scoffs]

I mean, he could bemarried, you know.

-Oh--
-And didn't tell you.

You remember how ourrelationship started?

Right.

Well, this guy should
be eternally grateful.

And internally grateful.

Okay, Kellye,
you can close now.

[all chattering]

Believe me, Major,I wouldn't operateon this commie

if Potterdidn't make me.

-It really
burns my butt.
-Mine, too.

You're not the
only real American
here, Frank.

I know, I know.

I included your buttright along with mine.

You watch that mouth,
or I'll tell Donald.

"I'll tell Donald.I'll tell Donald."

Excuse me.Could we get on with it?

Oh, shut up!

Have you been eavesdroppingon our conversation?

-I have tried not to.
-FRANK: Listen, bub,

if you come
out of this,

you'd better not
repeat a word of
what you've heard.

I promise.

I'm so upset, Margaret.

I mean, look at
my hand shaking.

MARGARET: Relax.You'll feel betterafter the operation.

-How's it going, Frank?-We're just about to operateon your Commie friend.

Oh? I thought it was
a rehearsal for
"The Bickersons."

-Doctor?
-All right, Margaret,

let's getthis over with.

No, wait!

Doctor, could I
ask you a favor?

Want me to put a nickel
in the parking meter?

Would it be possible foryou to operate on me?

I don't think themajor's heart is in it.

Look, I didn't askfor this job.

You wannatake over, Pierce,just say the word.

Please.

On one condition.
Do you have Blue Cross?

Okay, Frank,
I got him.

You can have him.I'd rather get some sleep.

-Gloves, please.
-Thank you, Doctor.

You know, when I gota haircut in the States,

I always waitedfor the head barber.

Ah, it was worth it.

How do you like it?

Short on the top,
thick on the sides?

-Margaret?
-Ready, Doctor.

While I'm cutting,you give him a manicure.

[sighs]

[labored breathing,
coughing]

Nurse.

Nurse.

Nurse!

[gasping, coughing]

[gasping loudly]

What are
you doing?

What are you doing?Stop that!

-Able! Stop that!
Let him alone!
-But he was choking!

[continues gasping]

O'Reilly!Corporal O'Reilly!

Major Burns?

[moans]
What is it?

Sir, Major Houlihanwants you.

-Margaret?
-Yes, sir.

She says she needsyou right away, badly.

I knew she'd
come to her senses.

Where is she?

-Post-op.-Post-op? Is she crazy?

Somebody will see us.

Hawkeye?

I said I'd take you home,but it isn't light yet.

Hawkeye, wake up.

Radar, do me a favor,
will you?

Drive this lady home.My keys are in my sport coat.

-Hawkeye!
-B.J.: Radar!

If you insist
on making noise,

will you please
be quiet about it?

Hey, listen! Wake up.
It's that North Korean.

Major Houlihan says hetried to kill some guy.

And you woke me up
just for that?

This ought to keep
him in his place.

-What are you doing, Frank?-Strapping this heathen down.

-He tried to kill that patient.-Tried to kill him?

He was pulling out
his trach tube.

That's the way these
yellow devils think.

It's burned into
their brains.

Kill Americans.
Kill! Kill!

They don't respect
human life the way we do.

I'd like to take him
out and shoot him.

-Brilliant.
-What happened?

His tube was clogged.

He couldn't breathe,so I tried to clear it.

Nurse, clear
that trach tube.

Don't unleash him.
He's a killer.

Frank, he was trying
to help the guy.

Well, why should he
help one of our men?

I wouldn't help
one of theirs.

I think we should
tell Colonel Potter.

-I dare you.
-I double dare you.

Oh, yeah? Well, nobody
double dares me

and gets away with it.

Don't worry
about them.

They don't seem as bad
as they really are.

What will happen
to me, Captain?

Well, afteryou've recovered,

they'll send youto a P.O.W. camp.

You'll treat
other prisoners.

Worms, foot fungus,
diarrhea.

Real challengefor a doctor.

Worse.

I'm a surgeon.
University of Chicago.

I wondered where you gotthat Midwestern accent.

I interned at Cooks
County Hospital.

Pretty good training.

-Evening, boys.
-Klinger.

You know,

I've been in the combatfor almost three years,

but that still strikes me asa very ugly woman.

You ought to see her naked.

Then we'd really have tostrap you down.

MARGARET:
If you want to know
what I think,

I think he's a spy.

Good point, Margaret.That makes a lot of sense.

Sure, he shot himself
in the thigh

just to get in here, huh?

Well, why not?They're diabolical.

Forgive me, Colonel,but you don't understand

the Oriental mindthe way I do.

I'll buy that.

What information
could he get in here?

How many
Q-Tips we've got?

-How many suppositories?-Right.

Why am I wasting
time like this

when I could be
sawing wood?

Let me put it this way,Burns, Houlihan.

-Colonel?
-Yes, sir?

Dismissed!

You saved the leg.

How is that possible?

New procedure.

We took a section ofthe saphenous vein,

reversed it, and graftedit into the femoral artery.

So you can
do that now.

I knew they wereworking on such a thing.

It was perfected byan Italian macaroni expert.

Remarkable.

You're so far ahead
of us in many ways.

We even developedthe banana daiquiri.

You know, I wish
the circumstances
were different

and we could be
working together.

You'd be willingto do that?

You treat the enemy.

Why can't I?

[people chattering]

Radar, you look pensive.

No, sir.
I'm just thinking.

You seem to be
picking at your food.

Just cautious.

-Mm-hmm.
-Mmm.

Radar, you're
a remarkable person.

Naive, yet wise.
Gentle, but strong.

No more nurses'
shower pictures.

My camera's rusty.

Don't beso suspicious.

I just wanna askyou a question.

Oh, no.
Here it comes.

Suppose therewas a doctor

who wanted tojoin this outfit.

Oh, heck.
That's easy.

All he'd have to do is, uh,get in touch with I Corps

and request a transfer.

Problem.

This doctor is from
the other side.

Other side of what?

Other side of the war.

You mean he's
from Supply?

No, Radar.He's North Korean.

[high-pitched laugh]

You guys are
kidding, right?

Hey, that's a real problem.

I Corps disapproves
of the enemy.

Yeah, but it's not
impossible, is it?

I mean, you've got lowfriends in high places.

-Be persuasive.
-Be charming.

-Use force.-No, I couldn't do that.

Beej, the, uh, thenurses' annual physical iscoming up soon, isn't it?

-Mm-hmm, and we'regonna need an assistant.-Oh, yeah.

Is that the, uh,
complete physical,
same as last year?

B.J.: It's better.

Mmm.

We're gonna needa set of orders,

I.D., dog tagsand a uniform.

With all that stuff,

you could transferFlash Gordon to the outfit.

We don't want him.
Bleaches his hair.

Listen, um, Sparky couldreally help us on this,

but he's gonna
want somethin'.

-Somethin' really good.-We already anticipated that.

How would Sparky likea solid gold Chinese watch

taken directly
from the wrist of
an enemy officer?

-With his permission,
may I add.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's very nice but, uh,he'd never be able to readthe time,

it's gotChinese numbers on it.

It comes with
an instruction book.

The symbol at the top is a 12,the one at the bottom is a six.

Hey, they stole
that from us.

We stole waffles
from them.

I thought that
was p-sgetti.

Come on, come on.Will Sparky do it?

Well, uh, for
this watch,

I think he would probablytransfer his own mother.

Have a safe journey.

-Good luck and
God be with you.
-Thank you.

Aw, knock it off
and get on the bus.

-Frank has trouble
saying good-bye.
-You better move along

-if you want a window seat.-Yes.

Brokenhearted, Pierce,

about losing your good
North Korean buddy, hmm?

No. I was gettingkinda tired of the guy.

He beat me out
of eight bucks in
Chinese checkers.

FRANK:
All right, come on.

Let's bring these men uphere and get 'em loaded.

Come on.

[engine starts]

"Captain Cho Wunho,
board certified,

"Chicago, 1949."

-Welcome aboard, Captain.-Thank you, Colonel.

You know, Radar,this is the first time

I Corps has sentus help without usscreaming about it?

Oh, yes, sir.
That's right.

Well, you know
how it is.

Sometimes when you don'tyell and holler the loudest,

they hear you
the most.

Well put.

Can you find quartersfor the new doctor, Radar?

Um, your permission to move
him into the Swamp, sir?

Oh. Okay.

But prepare yourself,
Captain.

At first, your roommatesmay appear a bit crazy.

But later on, you'll findout they're only lunatics.

I'm accustomed to livingwith Americans, Colonel.

Colonel?
Oh, I'm sorry.

-I didn't know you were busy.-POTTER: No. Come in, Major.

-I'd like you to
meet our new doctor.
-Oh.

Major Houlihan,Captain Cho Wunho.

Haven't we met before?

I was thinking
the same thing.

There's a little gin millin Seoul, the Pink Pagoda.

-Didn't we tango?
-Certainly not.

I mean,
I've never been there.

-I must be mistaken.
-Perhaps I'm also.

Uh, why don't
you take the doctorto his quarters, Radar?

Oh, right away,
sir. Sir?

Oh, Captain?

You'll go on duty
at 18:00 hours.

Will somebodyplease call me?

I recently lostmy watch.

Uh, that will be
no problem, sir.

I'll-I'll call you.

I swear I know that man.And I don't tango.

Maybe it wasthe cha-cha-cha.

I'm kidding.

HAWKEYE:
You wanna sponge
that, Frank?

FRANK:
Okay, okay!

Why do we need anotherdoctor all of a sudden?

Frank, we've been
short a doctor here since
the day you showed up.

I'm as good a doctor
as the next man.

Provided the next manis Lou Costello.

You know, Major Houlihanand I think

there's something fishyabout this Dr. Cho.

You'd think there was
something fishy about
Albert Schweitzer.

There is.If he were a good doctor,

he'd be in Beverly Hills
helping the wealthy.

HAWKEYE:
Sponges, please.
More sponges.

Frank, I can't see.
You're standing
in my light.

[whispering]Colonel, do you wanna takea look at what he's doing?

HAWKEYE: Frank, come on,will ya!

[indistinct chatter]

Clamp.

I've never seen
a heminephrectomy

done like that,
Doctor.

Where'd you
pick that up?

Professor Goodson
in Chicago, sir.

POTTER:
Ah. Read about it.
Never seen it.

-Beautiful work.
-Thank you, Colonel.

Mmm.
Well, carry on.

Halt!

What's your business,gentlemen?

-You are a nurse?-No. I'm Corporal Klinger.

I don't like to brag,

but I madethis outfit myself.

What do you think?

Most becoming.

We are from the KATUSAhospital at Kumgang.

You have these supplies?

"Plasma, penicillin,morphine, achromycin."

Sounds like you'reopening a drugstore.

What's goin'
on here, Klinger?

Oh, Major Burns, sir,

these men are fromthe hospital at Kumgang.

-They need supplies.
-Forget it.

We're not here
to hand out supplies

to every Tom,
Dick and Kwang.

-I'll check withColonel Potter.-Don't bother Potter.

I can say no
all by myself.
No!

But we must havethese supplies.

Pardon me, Major, but, uh,what is your name, please?

Frank Burns.
What's it to you?

We have heard of a greatdoctor called Frank Burns.

Could you be him?

Of course.

We have heard that he neverturns down people in need,

that he is as generousas he is skilled.

Yeah, well,
I'm, uh,

sort of the
Albert Schweitzer
of Korea, you know.

[chuckling]

What an honor itis to meet you.

Oh. Well,
what are you guys
standing around for?

Get these people what
they need and hurry up.

Right away, sir!

Excuse me.

-You're getting suppliesfor those men?
-Yes, sir.

It's Major Burns'sorders, sir.

They are imposters,
you know?

-What? Who, sir?
-The men in the jeep.

It is common practice
to change uniforms

and get supplies from
the units like these.

-You mean
they're the enemy?
-Yes.

Be careful of them.

-Hey, I gotta tell
Colonel Potter.
-No.

They are desperate
and heavily armed.

W-Well, what
should we do?

The easiest way
is to give them
what they want.

Then they will go,
peacefully.

-Promise me something, Radar.-Yeah?

If anything happens,

bury me in
the blue chiffon.

You sure you fellas
won't come in for
a cup of coffee?

There might even
be some pudding left
over from lunch.

I don't think so.

It's rice pudding.

You guys are supposed
to like that.

No. No,we have no time.

We must getsupplies and leave.

Uh, stay a while.

I could tell you about
my work with, uh,

arterial transplants.

Some other time.

Hey, I just had
a wild thought.

How would it be if
I came back with you
guys to your hospital?

Give all your staff
a chance to meet me, huh?

We could get
everybody together,

and I could give
them a talk. Huh?

N-no. We mustleave quickly.

You know, perhapsthe major has a good idea.

Yes. I thinkhe would be quite useful.

Oh, I'd have to be back
in a couple of hours.

That is no problem.

-The hospital is close by.-Great!

Uh, wait a minute.Major, where you goin'?

Well, I'm going withthese boys back to meeteveryone at their hospital.

Should be a real
treat for 'em.

Oh, you can't
do that, Major!

-What?-What he means is, uh,you can't leave us.

-What would we
do without you?
-Yeah!

What are you talking about?I'm off duty.

Well, sir, who's gonna helpus plan the dance tonight?

-Ah-ah! The dance.
-Dance? What dance?

Nobody told me
about any dance.

Let's all go to the
colonel's office

-and discuss it, sir.
-The colonel's office.

Let go, and
that's an order!

These boys are
in a big hurry.

That is true.We must go now.

Major, what about the
class this afternoon?

You know, on how to
recognize the enemy?

You had all that
in basic training.

If you can't recognize
the enemy by now,

you're in
a lot of trouble.

[chuckling]
All set. Let's go!

Break a leg.

I've seen the man work.He's a qualified surgeon.

He gives me the creeps.

He's alwayswatching everything.

Last night, I came outof the shower, and, sureenough, there he was.

That is suspicious.

Last night wassupposed to be my night.

Colonel?

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Just check up on him.That's all I ask.

Colonel Potter! Sir?

Major Burns just drove offwith two men in a jeep.

They were bad men, sir.I think they were the enemy.

What men? What jeep?
What enemy?

Well, these twoguys come in

and they wereasking for supplies,

so we give themwhat they want.

And then Major Burnsgets in the jeep withthem and goes off.

-Why? Did they force him?-No, ma'am.

I think hewanted to go.

Radar, get on the phone,call the M.P.s,

alert them
about that jeep.

-Yes, sir.
-Wait a minute. Radar?

Sir.

How do you know thosemen were enemy soldiers?

Captain Cho told us.

Captain Cho?How did he know?

I don't know.
He just knew.

-Well, isn't
that interesting?
-Hmm.

Oh, what is it now?

Sir.
I.D.s, please.

Well, why are you
stopping us?

Been a slow day?

Need a little excitementto break up the monotony?

We have important
business to attend to.

Sorry, sir, but there've
been some infiltrators

coming down to
get supplies.

Oh, these men are
not infiltrators.

One good look
should tell you that.

Now, listen.

I am Major Frank Burns,MASH 4077th.

TheMajor Burns.I'm sure you've heard of me.

-Mm-hmm.-Well, of course, you have.

I can vouch for these
men personally.

MAN:
We're checking
everybody, Major.

FRANK:
Now, listen, Sergeant,

instead of
bothering doctors

who are trying todo some good in this world,

why don't you run out andcatch some... kidnappers?

Let's go.

[engine revving]

I should have done somethingto save Major Burns,

but I was afraid.

If those men
had recognized me,

they would
have panicked.

Look, you didwhat you could.

Yeah. Look at
the bright side...

maybe they'll
keep him.

Well, I'm glad
you're all here.

Ah, Colonel Potter.What a surprise.

I'm glad we had thefurniture cleaned.

The new drapes
are due Friday.

Okay, cutthe phony baloney.

-The ball game's over.
-What's up?

I just checked
with Headquarters,

and I know allabout Paik or Cho orwhatever your name is.

I'm gonna have toput you under arrest.

Come on, Colonel,

you're not gonna throw awaya perfectly good doctor

on a technicality?

Technicality?This man's the enemy.

Enemy schmenemy.

-He's a surgeon.
-And a good one.

Please, gentlemen.
I knew it couldn't last.

I just wanted to help.

Look, I understand whatyou were trying to do,

and between you, me
and the grand piano,

it wasn't a bad idea.

But damn it!I could lose my pension,wind up in the stockade.

There must be someway we can keep him.

Nada. It was Houlihan andBurns who put the bee on him.

If they can figureit out, anybody can.

Well, that's true.

-Dr. Paik, I'm sorry.
-Me too.

You did
what you could.

You don'tsuppose your side

would be interestedin an exchange?

We keep youand they keep Frank?

No, they'd nevergo for that.

FRANK: Why don't I start outwith a couple of jokes,

then go into a personalautobiography of myself.

I'll tell 'em about
the Boy Scouts,

how I rode a two-wheelerat 13 and--

and how I worked my waythrough med school

selling burial plots
door to door.

I wish I had time
to get a haircut.

Well, they'll understand.After all, it's war.

Did I mention that I taughtmy rabbit how to smile?

Why did we stop?

[sighs]Get out.

Why? Something
wrong with the jeep?

Oh, don't tell me
we're out of gas.

We are past
the checkpoint,

and we don't
need you anymore.

Besides, you'redriving us crazy,

and we don't needa hostage that badly.

Get out.

What do you mean?

You simpleton.
We are North Koreans.

Honest Injun?

Don't hurt me!

I'll tell youanything you wanna know.

Get out of the jeep.

You're not gonnatorture me or anything?

Some other time.

Go back to your camp.

It's the best thing youcould do for our side.

You ungrateful creeps!

I wouldn't
lecture to you

if you got down on yourknees and begged me!

[glasses clink]

Well, I'm sorry
it didn't work out.

And you lost
your watch, too.

Forget it. With those
Chinese characters,

I could never
read it anyway.

Here. Take this.

It's a little
going-away present.

A cake we madein the Mess.

Thank you.

Don't thank ustill you taste it.

Cheer up, gentlemen.

The war will
not last forever.

Yeah, maybe afterwards,you'll come tothe States sometime,

and we'll-we'llall get togetherand have a few beers.

Or perhaps you'll
take an exotic cruise
to my country,

and we'll share
some rice wine.

I bet you knowsome terrific placesfor Chinese food.

One or two...

but they're in Chicago.

Good-bye.

Geez, he was
a pretty good doctor.

What a waste.

I just hope he doesn't takea bite out of that cake.

There's a saw in it.

Those clowns didn't fool mefor a minute.

I knew they were Commiesthe whole time.

Then why did you
go with them?

Well, I figured I'd gathera little intelligence.

You could use it.

They pulled guns on me,

so I gave them both
a quick karate chop,

knocked 'em coldand headed back to camp.

Why didn't you
bring back the jeep?

-The jeep?
-B.J.: Yeah, the jeep.

It's a big green thing.

Looks like a turtle witha thyroid condition.

POTTER: You let a jeepfilled with medical supplies

fall into enemy hands.

Well, it was ahumanitarian thing to do.

I mean, after all,
they may be Commies,

but they're people, too.Sort of.

Good, we've got a whole tentfilled with North Koreans

in need of attention.

They're all yours.

All by myself?

Don't whine, Frank,you're the humanitarian.

Oh, and what are you guys?

We're all-night
poker players.

Come on, Hawk,
Colonel.

-Goodnight, Albert.-Goodnight, Dr. Schweitzer.

A whole tent full.

[theme music playing]